Lately, I have been hearing over and over from a number of single women who I consider to be of high “caliber” in a sense that they are physically attractive, classy, observant, intelligent, educated and introspective, as well as professional accomplished, that men are not assertive and aggressive enough and they don’t make a move to approach them, meet them and flirth with them as much as these women would like to. This goes completely against what I have been used to hearing from women - that they are being hit on all the time everywhere they go and that they are really tired of it. Having looked into this issue by observing both men and women’s behavior in various social situations where they would expect to mingle and flirt, I wanted to find out why is it that women complain that men are not aggressive enough – at least in my locality – San Francisco, CA. First, I found it for the most part to be true that many guys seem to be looking around at women without doing anything to meet them. I have also noticed several major reasons for this, some of which are related to men’s false beliefs about what single women want and how/when they like to be approached. If men were to abandon those beliefs, they would find it very liberating and useful to taking action with women romantically and sexually when they should.
Here are these three main beliefs that limit men’s ability to be more forward with women and why these believes are false:
* Men have been taught to believe that women are hit on by men all the time no matter where they go, and they find it really annoying. This is only partially true. Most men who have the guts to approach women are not the kind of men that these women want to meet. This is one of the reasons women are find meeting guys so frustrating. They are rarely approached by a “normal” guy in a normal way. They are rarely approached by a guy who is sober, who is not a thug or a weirdo, and who is at least somewhat interesting and funny. If you are one of those guys of a latter kind, you will really stand out from the rest to a woman who is single, available, and who is interested in meeting men.
* Women don’t like being approached by men. This is only true with regard to women who are unavailable for whatever reason – they are in a relationship, or are frigid, lesbian, or very shy. Women who are single and who are interested in meeting men are very flattered by being approached by a guy and they find that ability to be very attractive in a man.
* Women’s body language and demeanor typically suggests that they are unfriendly and do not want to be bothered. Often it’s true. Many women have stressful lives, demanding jobs, family problems and other issues that make them look less than happy in their daily routine and less than open to casual interactions with strangers. This doesn’t mean that they won’t welcome an opportunity to break away from wherever their head is and focus on something/someone else who has nothing to do with their issues, unless they are in a big hurry to get somewhere.
* Women I am interested in are never hanging out alone – they are always out with friends. So what? Why should that stop you from meeting them? A woman who is in a company of her friends is likely to feel more comfortable and safe when she is talking to a guy she never met. Also, she will appreciate the fact that her friends can see that someone is interested in her, and she might just want to impress them with the fact that you are talking to her and not her other friends. If she is making eye contact with you and is clearly interested, you can approach the group and ask them if you could steal the lady for just a minute. Then, when you are one on one – you can have a brief conversation with her and ask her for her contact information. If she doesn’t give you signals, and you find it very difficult to come up and interfere with the group dynamic, you can give her a note with your name and number/e-mail, come up to a group and tell them that you are sorry to interrupt their conversation, but you noticed their friend and you wanted to meet her, and pass along a note if you feel that would be appropriate under the circumstances. You can always wait till she gets up and goes to the restroom, hopefully alone. When she is on her way to the restroom, you can “intercept her” and ask – “you guys look like you are having a lot of fun? Are you close friends? Are you celebrating something?” – anything simple like that would be good enough to start a conversation. It’s important that you do this when the girl in on her way to the restroom not when she is about to return, so she doesn’t have to deal with the fact that her friends might be seeing her talking to a guy, as some women have an issue with that.
Of course, when it comes to approaching and meeting women, its not only how you do it but also when you do it that matters almost as much. Make sure you read about the importance of the right timing when it comes to approaching and meeting women, first dates, and later in dating.
And of course – the most confident and charismatic guy might have a difficulty approaching and meeting a woman who looks stuck up and unapproachable.
Related posts:
- Demistify Women to Beat Your Fear of Approaching and Meeting Women
- A Creative Way of Approaching and Meeting Women in the Service Industry
- Effective, practical way to beat your fear of approaching women!
- The frame of mind you must have when approaching a woman!
- The Most Important Rule for Meeting More Women
Dear Pratical Happiness, I am writing this message for knowing your opinion about the American culture and sexuality. I am Italian. I met an American girl on Facebook. We had a wonderful exchange (romantic, kind, emotional, deep, interesting) and she seemed a selective, shy and sweet girl, very happy to talk with a fine, sexy, good man (me in her opinion). After an entire year of communication, we met in the flesh and she was exactly the shy, elegant, sweet girl I had known online. We had a wonderful romantic experience here in Italy and decided to start a long distance relationship. She invested a lot in it, but, after 4 months, passion decreased and she broke up with me. I was still in love and begun to check her FB profile very often, developing a lot of stupid anxiety! I discovered that, one night, when she was with two girlfriends, my ex was approached by two rollerbladers (much younger) that had just had an exibition. It seems they were friendly and, in fact, both friends of my ex and my ex added them as Facebook friends. My ex loves to go out with these two girlfriends, also when she is in a relationship. One of them is happily married. If the setting had been a nightclub in Italy, I would have considered the possibility of my ex having a one night stand with one of the rollerbladers almost impossible (also considering her character: she is wonderful in bed, but, apparently, requires time, comfort and connection to have sex). What about USA? Are one night stands and sexuality so different there? One day my ex posted a song on Facebook, very sexual (but also funny and ridiculous): “Pop that pussy”. I got panicked because I thought it was the proof of her superficial sexual attitude. Your opinion? I know, maybe I am just paranoid and jealous, but in Italy songs like that are extremely rare and not posted. Thanks.
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practicalhappiness.com Reply:
June 15th, 2012 at 5:06 pm
Hi, Robert. Thanks for sharing your experience. One night stands are not an uncommon occurent in the US in general and specifically in nightclubs. I am sure it happens more or less frequently all around the world, including Italy. Every situation and every person is different, no matter where you go. Thus, I would not want to generalize and would encourage you not to do the same as well. Although I have been to Italy, I didn’t spend enough time there to make an educated comparison between the two cultures, especially when it comes to one night stands.
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I'll keep saying this until the cows come home because it is the absoulte truth: WOMEN HATE MEN!!! Thus, it doesn't make a difference either way.
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I was at Barnes and Noble today and I curiously picked up “The Game” by Neil Strauss and began reading some of it.
I prefer your advice because it’s much more positive. You encourage people to be better versions of themselves and you encourage people to build their character (I.E: having a sense of humor, having ambition and goals, having class, etc.)
This was not the case in The Game which didn’t encourage people to be better but encouraged people to be douche bags and use insecure girls who have low self-esteem to their advantage. Anybody can win over those kind of girls. Big deal!
Unlike “The Game” you don’t tell people to prey on “low quality” women. You tell people to go after high quality – but to do that you have to be high quality yourself.
Thank you for maintaining high standards and not compromising them in a world that can seem low class at times.
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practicalhappiness.com Reply:
June 19th, 2012 at 3:51 am
Thanks for your kind words, Michael. The Game has been quite a popular publication and some of the ideas in it are useful, but overall I completely agree with you. It is written for those who want to develop ways to trick women into something that they otherwise wouldnt want to do it. Its hardly a solid way to improve ones dating life. I realize that my advice and suggestions might take longer to use and benefit from, but not being a big believer in instant solutions, I cant imagine meaningful growth to work any other way.
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This article is both motivating and helpful.
I agree with it's premises.
Women are attracted to men who take initiative and do it without guilt or apology.
Women are attracted to men who are bold and aren't afraid to go out and get whatever is they want.
It's all about body language. If you persist and make bold moves when she is not expressing interest, you will make her uncomfortable. If you do so while she is expressing interest, then it's no problem.
And I agree with Michael also. The Game and other PUA advice is geared toward deep-seated insecurities, and therefore will only result in its followers reinforcing a cycle of mediocrity rather than rising above it.
Arkady, another quality article. Keep doing what you do!
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I'm going to ask a serious question in response to what you wrote. It seems as if when women are in a group, there are always a few good looking ones and a few unattractive ones. If I approach the group looking to speak to one of the attractive girl why do they always seem to pawn off their unattractive friends on you, even if you have a good chat with one of them?
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practicalhappiness.c Reply:
June 24th, 2012 at 12:32 pm
@JRS Good question. Perhaps they want to help their less attractive friends talk to and meet more guys. Maybe they feel that they meet plenty of guys but their less attractive friends are not as lucky and they are looking out for them? That seems to be at least one likely reason.
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Very interesting article, I never realized the main things that men were being taught. No wonder so many of them have issues when it comes to approaching women. I feel there is no gray area with these men, its either A. Dont hit on a girl, or B. be too cocky and aggressive to compensate for your fears and insecurities. Personally, I am complimented if a man has enough you-know-whats to come up and talk to me. Thanks for the post!
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Since when do women ever go to the bathroom alone? Maybe when they are out on a date with a guy, but never when they are out with other girl friends.
All this advice about having to have the perfect behaviors in terms of the correct precise amount of aggressiveness, perfect timing, saying the perfect "normal" thing but still being interesting and not boring, is a bunch of bs. The bottom line is if you are good looking and hot you will get women even if you do everything wrong. And if you aren't, you can do everything right and be made to feel like you are a creep for even trying. This is the truth.
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practicalhappiness.com Reply:
September 28th, 2012 at 11:43 am
@AZ – not necessarily. The best proof of this is that here are plenty of good looking guys out there whose dating life or ability to connect with women have a lot of space for improvement.
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Maybe the tide is changing since fewer and fewer men are approaching women, leaving the approaching to the women, and the chance for rejection. Maybe men are holding out for more value now, or just waiting for a period of years until the women can no longer afford to play games.
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practicalh Reply:
December 29th, 2012 at 6:24 pm
@ interesting observation.
I think the main reason that guys are not approaching as much is because they have been made guilty about doing that in the “anything you say will be used against you” kind of way. Somehow, trying to pick someone up has become a crime rather than a compliment. A guy who is made to feel guilty about approaching and trying to “hit on” a woman once or twice will think long and hard before making a move again.
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Mickey Reply:
January 27th, 2013 at 11:35 am
How’s this for a vicious circle?
Step 1: Women claim to want guys with confidence.
Step 2: Women then vaporize guys’ confidence with their hostility.
Step 3: Women then complain they can’t meet confident guys.
Ironic, ain’t it???
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practicalh Reply:
January 27th, 2013 at 11:45 am
Be careful, you might stay up all night or several nights reading that blog. Some of his articles are borderline insane, while others are so painfully and depressingly true.
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I've had this same debate with a couple of so-called "pick-up artists" in another forum, and they also claim that dating success is not impossible, despite the seemingly terrible odds.
Another poster in that forum brought up an interesting point, and I agree wholeheartedly: the poster expressed his frustration with the dating scene and has also completely given up. He also mentioned that, in spite of his approach anxiety and dating futility, he is truly blessed to enjoy other aspects of his life.
I feel the exact same way: I love my job and I love life outside of the job. I love shooting pool, eating out, going to ballgames, and watching cartoons, among other things. Therefore, when I leave this earth without ever experiencing having a significant other who loved me unconditionally for me (as opposed to what I might or might not bring to the table), I will have absolutely no regrets.
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practicalh Reply:
January 28th, 2013 at 3:24 pm
I can’t speak from experience, but I would imagine that having all the blessing in life except love and romantic connection or at least going out and dating, is still going to leave a big void that you would want to fill. No amount of hobbies and achievement in other areas of life can fill that void. It’s not supposed to. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have all these highly successful older single men and women complain about how lonely they are and how much they wished they met someone today or took more action to meet someone when they were younger.
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Well, I wanted to be a six-foot five quarterback in the National Football League. That didn’t happen. Am I to consider it an empty void in my life because it didn’t happen?
Similarly, I would have loved to have a relationship with someone who would have loved me for me, as I would have done the same for her. Since I don’t believe that’s an option now, I don’t lose any sleep over it.
I can’t speak for anyone else here, but in my view, you can’t miss what you never had.
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practicalh Reply:
January 29th, 2013 at 12:30 am
@ Mickey – you are funny and you surely have a knack for writing. I was about to recommend that you start your own blog, but now I wonder – you must have one already.
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Arkady:
Thanks for the kind words. I really don’t have time to write a blog, but in addition to my teaching load, I’ve been blessed to have a few articles published in several legal journals.
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practicalh Reply:
January 29th, 2013 at 10:54 pm
Legal journals? Now I am curious. Is there any way I could read one of those articles you wrote?
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Mickey Reply:
January 29th, 2013 at 11:22 pm
Sure. If you’d be willing to give me your private e-mail address, I’ll be happy to send you a couple of links. Happy reading.
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practicalh Reply:
January 30th, 2013 at 12:28 am
admin@practicalhappiness.com
Thanks in advance.
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