Lately, I have been hearing over and over from a number of single women who I consider to be of high “caliber” in a sense that they are physically attractive, classy, observant, intelligent, educated and introspective, as well as professional accomplished, that men are not assertive and aggressive enough and they don’t make a move to approach them, meet them and flirth with them as much as these women would like to. This goes completely against what I have been used to hearing from women - that they are being hit on all the time everywhere they go and that they are really tired of it. Having looked into this issue by observing both men and women’s behavior in various social situations where they would expect to mingle and flirt, I wanted to find out why is it that women complain that men are not aggressive enough – at least in my locality – San Francisco, CA. First, I found it for the most part to be true that many guys seem to be looking around at women without doing anything to meet them. I have also noticed several major reasons for this, some of which are related to men’s false beliefs about what single women want and how/when they like to be approached. If men were to abandon those beliefs, they would find it very liberating and useful to taking action with women romantically and sexually when they should.
Here are these three main beliefs that limit men’s ability to be more forward with women and why these believes are false:
* Men have been taught to believe that women are hit on by men all the time no matter where they go, and they find it really annoying. This is only partially true. Most men who have the guts to approach women are not the kind of men that these women want to meet. This is one of the reasons women are find meeting guys so frustrating. They are rarely approached by a “normal” guy in a normal way. They are rarely approached by a guy who is sober, who is not a thug or a weirdo, and who is at least somewhat interesting and funny. If you are one of those guys of a latter kind, you will really stand out from the rest to a woman who is single, available, and who is interested in meeting men.
* Women don’t like being approached by men. This is only true with regard to women who are unavailable for whatever reason – they are in a relationship, or are frigid, lesbian, or very shy. Women who are single and who are interested in meeting men are very flattered by being approached by a guy and they find that ability to be very attractive in a man.
* Women’s body language and demeanor typically suggests that they are unfriendly and do not want to be bothered. Often it’s true. Many women have stressful lives, demanding jobs, family problems and other issues that make them look less than happy in their daily routine and less than open to casual interactions with strangers. This doesn’t mean that they won’t welcome an opportunity to break away from wherever their head is and focus on something/someone else who has nothing to do with their issues, unless they are in a big hurry to get somewhere.
* Women I am interested in are never hanging out alone – they are always out with friends. So what? Why should that stop you from meeting them? A woman who is in a company of her friends is likely to feel more comfortable and safe when she is talking to a guy she never met. Also, she will appreciate the fact that her friends can see that someone is interested in her, and she might just want to impress them with the fact that you are talking to her and not her other friends. If she is making eye contact with you and is clearly interested, you can approach the group and ask them if you could steal the lady for just a minute. Then, when you are one on one – you can have a brief conversation with her and ask her for her contact information. If she doesn’t give you signals, and you find it very difficult to come up and interfere with the group dynamic, you can give her a note with your name and number/e-mail, come up to a group and tell them that you are sorry to interrupt their conversation, but you noticed their friend and you wanted to meet her, and pass along a note if you feel that would be appropriate under the circumstances. You can always wait till she gets up and goes to the restroom, hopefully alone. When she is on her way to the restroom, you can “intercept her” and ask – “you guys look like you are having a lot of fun? Are you close friends? Are you celebrating something?” – anything simple like that would be good enough to start a conversation. It’s important that you do this when the girl in on her way to the restroom not when she is about to return, so she doesn’t have to deal with the fact that her friends might be seeing her talking to a guy, as some women have an issue with that.
Of course, when it comes to approaching and meeting women, its not only how you do it but also when you do it that matters almost as much. Make sure you read about the importance of the right timing when making a move on a first dates, and later.
And of course – the most confident and charismatic guy might have a difficulty approaching and meeting a woman who looks stuck up and unapproachable.