Do you know someone who won’t stop talking about how difficult his/her life is and how many hardships he has? Do they usually start a conversation with how much they can’t stand their boss and their co-workers or how they keep fighting with their family member? Do you they constantly tell you about their tremendous financial challenges, and debt that they can’t keep up with? If so, you also know how annoying it is listening to it. That person mistakenly thinks that discussing his challenges out loud with as many people as possible makes him look like a hero. But nothing is further from truth. Most of us are annoyed by those dramatic people who tell us about how busy they are and how difficult their lives are, and how they don’t have time for anything or anyone. Victim mentality is just not flattering to anyone.
Consider a friend or someone you started dating recently who will hang on the phone with you for half an hour, telling you how he doesn’t have time to meet with you because of how busy he/she is and how many issues they have to deal with. It is the same friend that would be sitting across the table from you at a coffee shop or a restaurant, talking louder than anyone else about how horrible his boss is and how his co-workers have conspired against him, and how he is way too busy and overwhelmed to do anything outside of work. You will be sitting there and patiently listening. It is anything but fun to you. Your problems are just as serious or even more serious but you are not in a habit of sharing them so openly – in part because you know it won’t help in resolving them.
Let it be a lesson to you that talking about your problems and about how overwhelmed and busy you are is neither impressive nor attractive to your friends or anyone you might have a romantic interest it. What’s much more attractive is dealing with your problems quietly and impressing others with how you gain control over your issues.
I know a few drama queens of bot sexes – the ones who are never available talk on the phone, take forever to return a phone call and can’t meet even for 30-minute lunch because they are “too busy.” I also know a number of people who are objectively much busier and whose jobs and personal lives are much more complex and demanding, and yet they are surprisingly prompt about returning phone calls and e-mails and are much more available to meet. They also don’t complain about how stressful and difficult their life is. It seems like they operate at a different rate of speed and certainly at a different rate of efficiency. Their expectations from themselves and from what they can do for fun & work are completely different. They only thing they seem to not have time for is complaining to other people about how difficult their life is. This means that it’s quite possible that whatever time and energy the first group of people takes to complain and feel sorry for themselves, the second group invests into working on their issues and improving their time management skills.
When you have a stressful life but you are clearly in charge of it, it will be very attractive to both – your friends and members of the opposite sex. Like all other abilities worth having, developing this quality will take time and practice, but it is sure worth the effort.
Remember, real heroes do not go around telling people how strong and how smart they are. People who are worthy of admiration are the ones who show through their actions rather than words how they overcome their challenges and accomplish their personal and professional life.
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This, to my shame, is exactly what I did in a vain attempt to impress a girl that I very much admired and respected. I tried to tell her about all the ‘wonderful’ qualities I had and that she and I were a well suited pair. I have come to realize that; 1) the line between confidence and cockiness is very fine and shifts from side to side depending on perspective; 2) If you have to tell someone about all your ‘good qualities’ rather than live them, you probably don’t have them; 3) I was comparing my life to hers and felt ashamed that I had not accomplished as much with my time and didn’t believe she would value me (which is asinine because I had no idea what she desired in a parter and I was using my own perceived ruler for success against me) and 4) some women (like some men)are not looking for a committed relationship at the beginning. Sometimes it’s more fun to just date.
Admittedly I was crushed over the rejection and subsequent loss of any possible relationship after my behavior, but I learned some valuable lessons and if I ever get the chance to speak with her I’d like to thank her for helping become a better person.
But we move on. As a good friend of my said after I told him the story, “Self loathing is so unattractive. Get over it and get one with it.”
Thanks Arkady for helping me and the rest of us get better at relationship building. I look forward to more insightful information.
-Robert
Hi, Robert. Thanks for your kind words and I am glad that the article helped your recognize some of the mistakes you made in the past. As I am sure you know, recognizing what you do/did wrong is the first, obvious, but necessary step to making sure you don’t make the same mistakes in the future.
Doesnt it always seem that these people never accept the blame for their dramatic lives? 10 bad things can happen to them and they never seem to realize that they are the only common factor of the situation.
I tried doing this once. Thought it appealed to people. I just ended up losing respect for myself. I do not envy these types of people.