No guy likes to hear “let’s just be friends“ from a woman who he is interested in romantically. But many guys have this frustrating experience that repeats itself over and over – they meet a woman, start going out with her, things seem to go really well and then, at a certain point, a woman tells them something to the effect of “I really like you as a friend” or “lets just be friends” or “I don’t like you “that” way.” Those words can hurt more than an actual rejection because they often leave a man at a loss: he is wondering – “If she really likes me, as she says she does, why does she only want to be friends?”
Understanding why women just want to be ”friends” with some guys and want to be “more” than friends with other men is crucial to your ability to avoid the friends zone.
My observation suggests that there are five main reasons that a guy may end up in a friend zone with a woman who he has a romantic interest in:
1. The first and the most common reason for the friends zone problem is being too nice, two sweet, and too accommodating.
It is essential that you understand that there is a huge difference between being sweet and nice and being ATTRACTIVE. Think about your interactions with your co-workers or other people who you are not very close to – what makes those interactions formal? – Well, it is your polite, courteous communication, free of sarcasm, teasing and inappropriate humor / jokes. This is exactly what distinguishes a plain, stiff conversation with no romantic interest or potential from that communication which evokes romantic interest – FLIRTING. Flirting is teasing, laughing, being sarcastic, and dishing out all kinds of playful innuendos. Sarcasm is that spice in a conversation which gives it that romantic flavor that makes a woman look at you as much more than just a friend.
A guy who talks to a woman by primarily saying “Oh, yeah, exactly, totally, I completely agree” – is not going to be an interesting, attractive, stimulating company to a smart, confident and otherwise desirable woman. If she wanted constant approval of what she is saying, she would be talking to her girlfriends or … she might just as well talk to a wall – after all, a wall never disagrees – right?
Do you want to be a wall? I bet not!
So, stop, stop, stop – stop being “neutral,” stop walking on “eggshells” when you are talking to a woman, stop being afraid of offending her with what you say. If she is so sensitive that she can’t handle a joke or a sarcastic comment, she is probably a waste of time down the line anyway, so you might as well find that out as early as possible.
The next time a woman texts you “I will be there in a few minutes,” don’t reply with “Sure, no problem, take your time.” Instead, say: “You better. I am charging by the minute.”
The next time a girl tells you that she is stuck in traffic, don’t tell her: “I am sorry, I hope it clears soon…” – instead, tell her: “Well, you are a woman, you shouldn’t be driving in a first place.”
Ironically, both you and the woman will enjoy this kind of interaction much more and it surely will keep you miles away and out of the friend zone.
2. The second most common reason for ending up in a friend zone is being too eager to get into a relationship or being the first one to ask a woman where you stand with her or telling her how you feel about her way too early and way before she feels the same towards you.
You should understand and remember that generally it takes women longer to develop attraction and romantic interest in a guy than it takes a guy to develop emotions towards a woman, and as a guy – you don’t want to be ”ahead” of a woman. You must never be the first one to ask the woman you are seeing where you two stand and whether you are exclusive. Ideally, you should not even tell a woman you love her until it’s really obvious to you that she is crazy about you, that she expects to hear it from you and that she will even be upset if she doesn’t hear that “L” word. Further, asking a woman how she feels about you is pointless and even harmful to your image as a confident and attractive man in her eyes. First, it conveys your insecurity and your concern about how she feels about you which is never attractive. Besides, if she is eager to see you and spend time with you and she makes herself available to you, then you have your answer and you should let HER ask you where the two of you stand first.
So, avoid asking the “status” questions. Make the most out of your time with the woman you like and be the most attractive, confident and interesting guy she has ever met, and she will surely be the first one asking you if you are seeing anyone else and how serious you are about her.
3. The third common reason for falling into the friends zone with women is not being aggressive enough when the time is right.
Some guys make the mistake of being overly aggressive with women. Ironically, however, other men often get into the friends zone because they are not aggressive enough. It is important to remember that there is a window of opportunity when you first meet a woman during which you must make it clear that you are interested in her romantically and not through your words but through your actions. If you don’t, she will unconsciously “give up” on thinking of you as a romantic prospect and you will be permanently classified as a “friend.” So, if you want to make a move, do it promptly and this will help you a lot in avoiding the friends zone! So, what is a good way to be aggressive and do it promptly? After you establish some comfort and get to know each other. Flirt – subtle sexual jokes and innuendos are fun, especially if the girl seems to be open minded and receptive. Do not hesitate to touch her casually, lightly but with affection. Whether stroking her hair while you tell her that you like her hair, picking up her hand while your cross the street, or putting your palm on her back when she walks inside a restaurant in front you – those little cues suggest your confidence and comfort with who you are and they also show that it’s normal for you to do that and you have no hang ups about showing basic signs of physical attention. And, of course, being aggressive promptly means kissing her when the time and place are right.
4. Another sure way toward friend zone is talking about any kind of love, dating, romance and relationship matters with a woman.
It doesn’t really make sense why talking about love and dating has such a negative effect on the chemistry between the two people, but it certainly does. “What are you looking for in a partner?” “How long was your last relationship?” “What do you usually enjoy doing on dates?” “What’s your favorite romantic movie?” and alike are seemingly harmless questions, but their harm is immediate and often unknown, even to the woman herself. The simple explanation for this phenomenon is this: dating/relationship issues is what friends are usually talking about – it’s what girls discuss over coffee or dinner. Once a woman has a similar conversation with a guy, she starts relating to him on the same level as she would relate to her girlfriend. This, in turn, pushes out and away that sexual attraction and all other non-platonic elements of the interaction between the two people.
5. Lastly, even if you do everything right and you don’t make any of the above mistakes, some women will just not see you as a romantic/sexual partner and you will fall into a friend zone no matter what.
This says nothing bad about you or any given woman. Like with every other guy, not every woman will want you and be attracted to you, but that’s perfectly fine and it’s part of the game. You should recognize it, accept it and move on toward those women who will feel attracted to you on all levels and see you as more than a friend. If you do end up in a friends zone, the chances of getting out of there and going back into the “romance track” are usually low, and thus it’s better to learn how to avoid getting into a friends zone in the first place, as building romantic interest is usually easier than rebuilding your interaction with a girl.
And, of course, an essential element of avoiding the friends zone with women is not treating them or talking to them like you would with a friend. That is, flirting the right way is essential for creating chemistry and romantic tension that we all want to experience.