Mar 04 2010
The Best Way to Approach and Meet Women in Bars and Clubs
A whole industry exists out there focusing on advising men on how to approach and meet women in bars and clubs. In large part, the industry is so successful because bars and clubs are indeed challenging places for guys to meet women for at least two main reasons: (1) women have their guards up because of the stigma associated with meeting guys in bars, which means that you will face an initial skepticism or a “wall” when trying to talk to a woman at a bar; and (2) it is hard to find the words to open a conversation at a bar as the environment is not conducive to making an observation about what is going on. A typical guy sees many attractive women at a bar, but never approaches any of them because he simply doesn’t know what to say to open a conversation even when he gets signs of interest from a woman, such as eye contact and smile.
Instead of battling the above obstacles and trying to figure out how to overcome them, there is a much easier and far more effective way to approach and meet women in bars and clubs, and that is through a female friend. Make at least one great female friend, whose company you enjoy and who likes to go out. Ideally, she would be someone single who does not mind making new friends. Then, when you go out together, you can simply point out a group of girls and ask her to strike up a conversation with them. It is much, much easier for a girl to strike up a conversation with another girl, because the dynamics of that conversation will be completely different – your female friend faces no rejection or the guards that a man would face in her place as women do not have guards against other women (unless you are at a lesbian bar).
Your friend will have a conversation with the girls for a few minutes and if she likes them, she can simply gesture you to approach and introduce you to one or more girls. This will completely change the way you are perceived. You will be completely skipping the initial barrier, you will have the immediate approval of all the girls, as you must be safe if you have a female friend, and you will not have to “hit” on anyone. You can simple talk to one or more of the girls and figure out if there is a mutual interest between you and any one of them.
Frankly, I am surprised that more guys do not do this, and prefer to simply linger around women, staring at them and trying to figure out how to start a conversation with them night after night, instead of short-cutting the whole process and eliminating that phase altogether.
It is important that your female friend doesn’t tell any of the girls that you are actually interested in meeting one of them. Most women consider a guy who is unable to approach a woman on his own and needs a third person to start a conversation to be a sign of unattractive insecurity. Your female friend must open a conversation to just be friendly and social without having any apparent agenda of hooking you up. After all, whether you meet someone you like or not, she might make a good friend or two among all the girls she is talking to.
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3 responses so far
Hello, Arkady.
Yesterday I was in a club with a friend of mine and I tried to find the courage to approach the bartender, a beautiful blonde girl.
I finally found this courage and approached her with a soft approach: “Excuse me, is Roberta Viscovo (I invented a random name) a friend of yours?”
I hoped that a conversation starded, during which I would have been cordial, genuine, socially generous, without any pick up guy vibe.
Instead she replied with an hostile face: “No!”. So I: “Have you attended a school called XX?” She: “No!” And I: “So, have you attended a school called YY?” She: “I have attended KK.”
Conversation ended: she didn’t seem committed to the interaction. She immediately understood that my questions were pick up excuses, even if they were soft.
I have tried to tell you this event by translating an Italian conversation in English. Sorry for my Italian-English.
What is your opinion? When I read dating advices about approach, everything seems easy. But in the real life girls have a lot of barriers. They immediately understand your proposal, even if you are soft.
Good question! Yes, a lot of the advice makes it sound easy but it’s not. It’s not supposed to be. Think about it – even if you were approached by a girl out of the blue, you would be flustered and wouldn’t know what to say for a few minutes. You cannot expect a friendly attitude right away, especially at a bar unless the girl is really drunk (of course many people drink for exactly that reason, to eliminate the social awkwardness which is natural). I think you did everything right except your questions were mostly calling for yes/no answers rather than being helpful to opening a conversation. Next time, try to be a little bit more persistent, but if it’s obvious that the girl just wants the conversation to be over, then let it go and finish it. If you don’t feel welcome, there is no reason to stay and impose yourself.
Thank you really really much. A lot of advices say that, during the first minutes of interaction, it is necessary to talk a lot, avoiding a lot of questions.
Arkady, they say that there is a way to obtain good results in every interaction. If you can, I would like to know your opinion about pick up artists. I don’t know if there is a way for obtaining a friendly behaviour everytime.