Almost every dating book on the market talks about the importance of first impressions when it comes to dating. Many dating advice guides go as far as to say that a woman can determine within 30 seconds of meeting a guy whether she is going to sleep with him.  Many, if not most, guys believe that if there is no instant chemistry/attraction when they meet a woman, they do not belong together. This is not always true. In fact, I have seen and also experienced a number of incredibly fulfilling relationships that didn’t start as “love at first sight”. Some of them started quite slowly – even with a not-so-great first date, where I would think that a woman I went out with didn’t even like me.  I met at least two women with whom I had pretty bad first dates, and both of whom struck me as very interesting, attractive and desirable later. In fact, I think that all of the women I ended up developing feelings for and dating long term, wasn’t as intriguing to me right away and my feelings took time to develop. I am not sure why that was the case. Maybe I wasn’t myself when I initially met them. Or perhaps they had their guards up or they otherwise didn’t act like they normally would at first, as they were concerned about sending the wrong message, such as being easy or desperate. I am not sure. What I am sure of, however, is that if it happened to me several times and if it happened to a few of my friends, it means it happens to other people as well.

Having a tendency to analogize things, I can’t help but conclude that it’s hardly surprising that strong feelings don’t always flourish in an instant and they take time to evolve into a real emotion. After all, many other great things will not necessarily strike you as such right away – some of the best movies start rather slow; the first few pages or even chapters of some of the most influential pieces of literature out there are not all the exciting to read, and it sometimes takes re-reading once or even more to really appreciate and understand a certain book.

So, what does this mean to you? – this might just suggest that you shouldn’t place as much importance on your first impressions, as you might have been in the past. Perhaps we shouldn’t judge whether we might love someone and have a great romantic connection with them by the very first few moments of meeting someone. Just because we are not “feeling it” right away, doesn’t mean that we won’t be crazy about the same person a week, a month, or a year later.

It is discouraging for a typical guy to even think about flirting with and asking that attractive woman out, who works as a waitress or a bartender at a restaurant or a bar where he frequents, or a retail clerk, or a bank employee who he would like to ask out. He knows or might even witness how many other guys try to talk to her. And it’s the same small talk over and over: “Where are you from? Where do you live? How old are you? You have beautiful eyes, nice hair,  etc…”

So, how do you go about meeting and attracting a woman like that? Well, while there are obviously no guarantees to any efforts on your part, one of the most effective ways to engage an attractive woman in the service industry is by standing out from all the other guys. This can be done in three simple ways:

First, do not talk the same way like every other guy and don’t ask her the same boring biographical questions. It’s perfectly fine to skip all that and just have a normal conversation  with her as if you already knew her. Comment on the song that’s playing at the store. Ask her if she knows who it is that is singing. Does she like him/her? Has she ever seen that artist perform live?  How does she manage to maintain the energy and the smile at the end of the long day of work? What’s her secret of being so patient with you and other customers? What is the jerk/nice customer ratio on a typical day for her?  - these are just some of the things that you can talk about that will make your conversation go in a completely different and more interesting direction.

Secondly, don’t linger around her forever when you talk to her for the first or second time. Just because you are the only one at the store, doesn’t mean that the girl doesn’t have anything else to do while she is at work. She could be taking a break, making a personal call or doing something else that’s work related. She might be too nice to tell you that, since you are a customer, but you should not overstay your welcome, until and unless it’s obvious that she wants you to stay an talk to her.

And lastly, don’t ask her out too soon after you met her initally. If you know that she works there regularly, there is no rush and there is no need to be like every other guy and ask her out right away. Establish a connection first, make her wonder about you and be interested in what you have to share with her. Make her look forward to you asking her, and then  - do it.

I have never really accepted that fear of rejection, which so many people blame for preventing men from having the guts to approach women is in fact the main reason that guys are afraid to come up and talk to women. In my other articles, I discussed other reasons that men have a hard time approaching, starting conversations and meeting women.

However, another, rarely mention but very significant reason that approaching women is such a serious challenge for so many guys is that they simply don’t know enough about women – their thought process and their behavior. It’s hard to connect or even have a courage to connect with something or someone you don’t know much about. A woman’s behavior – from the way a woman walks and talks, to her demeanor and body language is a mystery to many guys. It’s hard to approach and attract a woman if you don’t know what she wants and what she wishes to avoid.  Reading even a thousand books about women is not going to convince you that what these books say is true and that it applies to the women you meet, given your age, location, and social status. You might have read a dozen books about starting conversations with women. Did that make it any easier to approach and meeting women? I doubt it.  There is simply no better way of demystifying women than having a first-hand experience learning about them. Therefore, if you want to truly liberate yourself from perceiving women as these mysterious, scary creatures and eliminate your fear of approaching and meeting women, it is essential that you meet, interact and/or observe as many women as possible of any age and in any context regardless of how attractive they are and regardless of whether you are interested, to simply have more exposure to the opposite sex. Whether interacting with women at work, at school, or simply observing how and what women are talking about when they are out even if you don’t have any interest in them, will make you realize that although every woman is a unique individual, they seem to be concerned with and talking about the same things when it comes to dating, relationships and men. Many single women complain that even though they keep meetings guys, these are not the guys the interested in. They are being frustrated with being lonely and with going on on bad dates with guys who are either too boring or too sexually aggressive or both. They don’t appreciate the fact that many of the men they meet don’t have goals or direction in life. Quite a few women out there complain that the men are too passive and they don’t make a move when they should.

After you hear the above stories over and over from a large number of women, women’s behavior at any stage of your interaction with them will be more clear and more understandable to you. Their body language and behavior will tell you more than ever before about who they are, whether they are single and whether they are open to meeting men. Instead of thinking of someone as stuck up or not interested, you will realize that they are probably shy and are even more afraid to talk to a stranger than you are.  Instead of thinking that just because a woman is not all over you as soon as you started talking to her she is not interested, you will naturally realize that she is apprehensive of you only because she met so many lame guys before she met you and this is her way to ensuring that you are not one of them. Finally, instead of believing that attractive women have all the power because they choose who to date and who to have sex with, you will know that these women don’t want to have sex and be with just anyone, but they want a guy who is special – who they connect with, and that’s not that easy to find for any woman in any place in the world.

Invest an effort into getting to know a female kind and it will benefit your ability to approach and meet women in more ways than you might think today.

Most people want to change something about themselves. For some, it’s just an adjustment of an existing quality/skill that they are seeking, while others wish to completely transform themselves in one way or the other. So, why is it that so few people actually succeed in changing and improving themselves?

I believe that one of the main reasons for this common failure is that people actually believe that it’s easy to change. They think that all they have to do to improving something about themselves is make a promise to themselves, and the rest will take care of itself without significant problems or setbacks. This is exactly why new years resolutions fail in the vast majority of cases. People think that saying that starting on January 1, that we won’t eat certain foods, or will exercise more and lose weight, or will take complete control of their temper / jealousy, or will start reading once book per month is all it takes in order to achieve their set goal. However, the real road to improvement us usually filled with set backs, challenges, disappointments and failures before one reaches the goal. Making a resolution of eating right after months or years of poor nutrition might sound easy, but just a few days later of trying to stick to the promise to eat better will bring strong cravings and temptation to break the new self imposed rules. Committing to an exercise routine will make an out of shape person sore and discouraged after a day or two of working out. This is why our gyms are so much busier, as we all know, in the beginning of the year, and yet their go back to their regular attendance just a few weeks later.

Let us not forget that Roger Federer did not become the best tennis player in the history of the game by making a resolution alone. He worked tirelessly day after day, losing more matches than winning for many years, working on his psychological issues with specialists due to admitted instability, and doing many other things that we are not aware of before he became who he is known to be today. Even though she received more than her fair share of negative publicity, Britney Spears had to rehearse for many, many hours, days and years, and be rejected audition after audition before she became a famous pop star. The same, to a probably more extreme degree, applies to Eminem, as his movie reflects it. It might look like Barak Obama popped out of nowhere and became a president, but his road to the top wasn’t easy. Many achievements and a lot of hard work preceded his presidential race and victory. The above examples are very different from each other, but they all clearly demonstrate the same pattern: success, victory and achievement are achieved gradually and are hardly free of obstacles.

Guys makes the same mistake when it comes to wishing to work on developing confidence with women, conversational skills, flirting, developing attraction, and alike. They either looks for shortcuts and instant solution to an issue which is deeper than they usually assume and which requires work and gradual improvement, or they make unrealistic resolutions/promises to approach 10 women a day, which only work in marketing tricks that various dating “gurus” produce out there.

Confidence with women and dating however is just like any other skill – it requires work, patience and one should expect gradual improvement rather than instant transformation from being shy to being completely comfortable with women. If you are a shy guy who has difficulty initiating conversations with women and feeling comfortable around the opposite sex, understanding this and being ready to work and develop this skill slowly through both learning about confidence, working on eliminating the internal obstacles that stifle confidence, and experimenting in the real world, without expecting to become confident and shyness-free overnight. After all, if it was that easy, every guy would have been able to do it, but that’s not the case. Only the select few, who understand and don’t underestimate the task reach their desired goals.

So, you were working in the same office with this girl or perhaps you were in the same class at school, and one day you asked her out to only find out that she was not interested in talking to you. It might have bothered you for a while, and maybe you were even embarrassed to run into her, and you were avoiding her for a while, but lately it looks like she is being friendly with you and you suspect that she might actually be interested. Should you ask her out again, even though she rejected you before?

- Absolutely! Why? First of all, people change their mind. She might have not wanted to go out with you before for a number of reasons. It’s possible that she was seeing someone at that time or that she had a bad break up with her boyfriend at about that time when you first approached her and expressing interest in getting to know her. It might sound obvious, but things change, people change, and what people want changes as well.

Secondly, it is very common for women to reject a guy and shortly after regret it. Think about how you react when a stranger initiates a conversation with you. Almost subconsciously you try to cut the conversation short because you believe it’s the right thing to do and that’s the social norm. When you ask a woman out, you might catch her off guard, thinking about her own issues and not being interested in talking to anyone at that very moment. She might not be interested in talking to you at that specific moment, but this doesn’t mean that she is not single, available and would not like you if she got to know you. If you wonder about how common it is, just check out the “missed connection” section on Craigslist in any city, and you will find dozens of postings by women who talk about how “flustered” they got when this guy talked to them and how much they want to have a second chance at talking to him.

So, how would you go about asking a girl out who rejected you before? The same exact way you would as if you never actually asked her our earlier. There is no reason to make any references to the first time you wanted to go out with her. Talking about that first time she rejected you will do nothing good to your interaction. If things go well between the two of you, you will have plenty of time to laugh about your original encounter later. Part of being a “real man” is letting those little things in the past go and showing your strength by not allowing it to affect your present.

Sometimes, you have to listen to your mind. Sometimes you go out expecting to pick up, meet and talk to women but soon after getting outside your house you realize that you just don’t have it in you that day – you feel that you are unable to pick up anyone on that night. You have two options: you can listen to your inner voice and just not try to approach and meet any women at that particular time, or your can try to get psyched up and force yourself to try and talk to women despite how you feel.
I suggest that you don’t push it! If you realize that the way you feel on any given evening is an unusual, bad mood and an inappropriate mindset for picking up women, and it’s only a matter of time until you feel better, then don’t push it! Do something else, focus on dancing, listening to the music and socializing with your friends. There is no point in pressuring yourself into talking to women if you are just not feeling it on a particular night. Wait and that anti-social feeling will go away and will necessarily be replaced by a more positive mindset where you will feel comfortable approaching and meeting women. This can happen the next day or even if half an hour. Moods change – sometimes they change by the hour.

Just like when you are feeling down and know that your workout is not going to be great and you prefer to skip a work-out, you should remember that it’s just not worth trying to pick up a woman when you are not “feeling it.”

I should note that this should only happen on a rare occasion where you feel that you lack the confidence and the “vibe” that you wouldn’t even enjoy talking to women because your mind is simply not there. Don’t use this as an excuse to not talk to women every other time you are out; just remember that everyone has a bad day on occasion, and you have to listen to that voice in you and wait until it goes away.

Literally all single guys have a number of women in their life that they regularly see and might be potentially interested in talking to, meeting, and going out with, but they don’t know how to go about doing that. Every day you go to the same grocery store, Starbucks, department stores, cafes, etc… and you see the same women work there and often serve you. Time after time you see familiar faces of women who start recognizing you as well. So, how to attract them and meet them?

First, you must use the fact that you regularly see them to your advantage. Knowing that you are going to see someone again means that you don’t have to go “for the kills” the first time you talk to them but you can and you should test the waters, set the ground for asking a woman for her contact information and then go for it.

One great way to create a connection with a woman in a service industry is by following a three step approach: (1) break the ice; (2) talk (3) talk again and ask for her contact information:

(1) Breaking the ice with a woman is the most difficult part for most guys. One of the unique and effective ways to break the ice that might require some confidence on your part is by actually joking or making fun of something that you know that woman has thought about. Here are two specific examples: suppose you want to meet the cashier girl at a grocery store. You stand in line and the person who is being checked out right in front of you is on his cellphone while paying. As soon as he leaves and it’s your turn, you could say to the girl: “Sorry, hold on…. let me get on my phone before I start ringing me up…I know you must love” and pull out a cellphone. Do it playfully and most women with a good sense of humor would laugh/roll their eyes and find your imitation of that other customer entertaining. And remember – eye contact is crucial. You can’t joke with a woman you don’t know and look away like you are talking to someone else.

Starbucks is another great place for breaking the ice. One effective way to do it is by making fun of a customer who seems to be high-maintenance and who orders a complicated drink (we all see those all the time). When it’s your turn to order, you can come up with a ridiculous order and also ask that it be low-fat and organic. If you say it in a way that makes it obvious that you are making fun of someone, it will brighten up the busy day of a girl who works behind the counter and will likely make her remember you.

(2) The next time (a day or two later) you go to the store and go through the same cashier girl, she will remember you, and you can have a small talk with her by saying something like: “Wow, you work a lot her, don’t you? how late are you usually here? Are you in school too?” or something like that, and then go from there depending upon how busy she is with customers and how good she is at helping you to carry on the conversation.

(3) The third time you talk to her, you could say: “Hey, is there any chance to see you outside of this place sometime?”  – this is a simple and direct way to let the girl know that you want to talk to her and go out with her.

Following the above three-step plan to meet women who work in the service industry is simple and doesn’t require a lot of confidence on your part. You don’t need to approach any woman specifically. The women in the above situations are the ones you have to interact with anyway.

The experience of most single men day after day is very similar. They all see the women they want to meet everywhere around them – at grocery stores, book stores, libraries, bus stops – but they don’t have what it takes to approach them and start a conversation with them. Just observe any attractive woman in public and you will necessarily notice a few guys staring at her with that salivating “I want you but I have no clue how to meet you” look. Then, as a woman leaves their site, the guys feel that bitter sense of regret for not taking advantage of yet another opportunity that life has presented to him. This very fact should make you eager to make a difference in your own life and not let those opportunities slip away any longer!

Thus, the next time you see a woman you want to approach in any casual situation in the course of your daily life and you feel that you don’t have the guts to stop her and tell her that you would like to meet her, think about this: once she walks away, your pain of regret for not taking advantage of that opportunity and saying somethting to her is so much greater than any anxiety that you are experiencing when you plan to make a move. Therefore, saying anything to her, no matter how silly it is, is so much better than not saying anything at all. After all, what have you got to lose? If nothing else, any interaction with a woman, no matter how awkward or unsuccessful, will be an interesting experience. In other words, you simply cannot possibly say anything that would be worse than not saying anything at all to a woman you are attracted to and would like to meet.

So… make that move! Few things are worse than not taking advantage of those opportunities that life presents to you.

Do you at least to some extent believe that everything happens for a reason. If so, you must believe that that magnificent coincidence of having a woman in your near proximity and you having a chance to make a contact with her and meet her is there for a reason as well! So, act on it without hesitation. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. If nothing else, an interaction with any woman will be an interesting experience and a lesson for the future that will make you better and more confident at approaching women.

It’s just as important to realize and remember that your fear of approaching and meeting women is very common and absolutely normal. Think about it for a moment, had it not been for that fear, an attractive woman who is out would be approached by every single guy. It’s that fear of approaching women that keeps those guys away from approaching every woman they see and makes those women’s lives “easier.” It is essential that you don’t beat yourself for experiencing that fear and that you don’t think that you are some kind of rare man whose fear of meeting women makes him weird, abnormal, or otherwise inferior. Instead, try to “befriend” that fear – treat it as a normal part of your being a man and of your personality. Stop treating your fear as a defect; it’s not! Accept it and move forward about your business approaching and meeting women. Surprisingly, when guys let the fear just be there without obsessing over it, it subsides and allows them to talk to women more freely and more successfully.

The Importance of Pick-Up Lines

It’s not easy to approach a girl in a college class where you don’t really have a legitimate reason to speak with. So how do you go about it? Normally, I recommend somewhat of a bold approach, but under these circumstances, I suggest making a few gradual specific steps to break the ice and go from there.

First, if possible, say something smart and thought provoking while participating in a class discussion, so she notices you. Do it more than once if necessary to establish yourself as someone who cares and someone who puts effort into school. Then, after class, while walking by her throw casually while looking at her something funny about the class or the teacher… to see if she responds…  If she does, have a small talk… ask her what other classes she is taking and which one of them she suggests you avoid as really boring….

Then, the next time you have a class together, suggest studying one night together over coffee or something like that. This is a very mild, non-aggressive approach, but the one that’s appropriate under the circumstances.

While studying together, try to flirt, and be funny and interesting and see if she responds to your mild advances. In case you wonder what to talk about, there are so many things that you can bring up – from making fun or admiring one of your teachers or classmates to talking about your and her plans for the nearest future or for the upcoming holidays / vacation.