“Trying too hard” – we have heard this expression many times. Most of us notice pretty quickly when someone is trying too hard to be more attractive, and to appear wealthier or more successful. Sometimes, it looks intimidating, but more often than not – it is annoying. One of the big steps toward becoming a more attractive potential or actual dating / relationship partner is making sure that you don’t come across as someone who is trying too hard, as it is a turn-off at just about any stage of dating – from approaching and meeting someone for the first time, to first dates and at later dating stages. Here are some of the more common ways in which both men and women try too hard and often in all the wrong ways:

* Too Much Style. Do you have too much style? Do you look like a runway model or conversely – a clown or someone who hasn’t showered in a month? Do you stick out like a sore thumb with your haircut or hair color, tattoos, piercings, very high heels, very short skirt, or bright colors, thinking that it makes you unique, special and different from everyone else? However, chances are that it makes you come across as weirdo at best. There are more meaningful ways to stand out from the rest than by trying to shock someone with the way you look. Trying too hard to look like Cindy Crawford on one hand, or like Prince, Michael Jackson, or Lady Gaga on the other hand is as likely to make it harder for you to meet someone new, as it is to make the right impression on a first date. Being preoccupied with your appearance will likely make you a subject of mockery rather than admiration.

* Being too loud. Are you overly “articulate”? Do you make your presence known all too well when you enter a restaurant by making sure that everyone hears what you are talking about? Is your laughter too loud because you have too much fun? You might think that what you are talking about is fascinating and is of great interest to the people around you, but most likely the only reaction you will evoke by being loud is eye rolling on the part of those people around who will find your voice and volume nothing other than obnoxious.

* Talking too much. Do you talk too much? Are you draining other people’s energy with protracted monologues about your accomplishments and your challenges, thinking that it somehow makes you look like a hero? It probably doesn’t. Your audience is probably waiting for you to finish, and they might be spacing out and thinking about their grocery list in the meantime. I have noticed how some guys, when approaching a woman, strike up a conversation and will simply not stop talking, not even allowing a woman the opportunity to respond. Many guys could tell stories about the women they went out with, who would simply not shut up. Be assured that excessive chattiness does not make you appear smarter or more attractive. Even if what you say is very interesting, if you are talking too much, it is simply going to tire your date. Having a conversation means having two people talk; not just one talker and one listener the whole time.

* Being too accommodating. Do you always agree on everything with every person you are attracted to or go out with, because you just want to “play it safe” and not ruin your chances? You might think that being too agreeable and too accommodating will make you appear sweet and nice, but it is also a sure way to come across as boring and be on an express train to friends zone. It’s ok to disagree or offer your input on something as long as you do it in a respectful way and do not insist on being right all the time.

* Being too funny. Are you too funny? Do you crack too many jokes? Are you being so sarcastic that it prevents the other person from seeing your serious side? Being entertaining is good, but if that’s the only thing you bring to the table, sooner or later you will be nothing but a comedian to the other person. And being a comedian is almost never equal to being a date or a lover.

* Being “too busy”. Do you run around telling people about how busy and overwhelmed you are with your very important job, very important school, and other projects? Are you too much of a “challenge?” – does it take a week to get a hold of you on the phone, because you take 5 days or longer to return a phone call? Does scheduling the time and place to meet with you for a date sound more like negotiating a business contract with you? Bear in mind that you are probably not the busiest person in the world, so this kind of attitude might just make you look week or enslaved by your own circumstances, or someone who tries to look more important than they really are.

Being attractive is just as much about what you aren’t, as it is about what you are, and it’s just as much about what you don’t do, as it is about what you do. By simply not trying too hard and not giving off that vibe of someone who craves attention or wants to prove something about himself under the pretense of being overly happy or excited or overly important or overly high maintenance, you will in fact be far more attractive. This doesn’t mean that you have to conform and be just like everyone else, but it means that you probably want to find a happy medium between the two extremes.

First impressions are important in just about any situation, and of course on a first date. I don’t think that first impressions are quite as important as some people make them sound. After all, these first impressions can be deceiving, and later impressions might be either a pleasant surprise or a disappointment, once you get to know a person better. However, still making the right first impression is important and cannot hurt you. A good first impression is just as much about what you don’t do, as it is about what you do. Here are eight common mistakes that both men and women make that lead to making a bad impression and that are quite easy to avoid, but are rarely mentioned:

* Being late and not apologizing about it. Being late on your first date is inappropriate, but it’s not nearly as big of a deal as being late and not acknowledging it, and acting like nothing is wrong. Be assured that even if your date doesn’t call you on that, they are bothered by the fact that you are not only late, but you don’t have the courtesy to say something as simple as “I am sorry I am late”.

* Being underdressed or overdressed. Between the two extremes, I supposed being overdressed is better. However both communicate unattractive things about you. If you are underdressed, it means that you don’t take the occasion seriously, you don’t really care about this date you are going out on, and you might not even consider it to be a date. If you are way overdressed, it might look like it’s too big of an occasion for you, that you rarely go on first dates, or that you have the need to try way too hard to impress your date.  If you want to make the right impression, you cannot go wrong with a classic, simple look. This applies to both men and women. There is no reason to dress like a hippie, unless you are one and you are meeting another one. There is also no reason to dress like a runway model when you go out with someone for the first time. Remember – your first date is about getting to know each other and not about making a grandiose fashion statement. Certainly, as a woman, dressing too provocatively is a bad idea if you want the guy to take you seriously.

* Not making an eye contact. I was surprised to observe how many people don’t even look at each other on a first date when they talk to each other. Whether you are shy or don’t feel comfortable looking into another person’s eyes for some other reason, you can’t develop a romantic connection or attraction if you don’t even look in each other’s eyes while you are talking. This doesn’t mean that you have to stare at each other the entire time, but some eye contact is essential. This is a basic, almost a primal law of our animal nature. If you don’t look at your date because you are nervous, make the effort to at least briefly look in your date’s eyes every so often. It will make a big difference.

* Talking too much. This is universally one of the biggest turn offs for both men and women. Being out with someone who talks too much is annoying, tiring and even exhausting. If you are aware of your tendency to talk too much, you must control it. One way to help yourself kick the excessive talking habit is notice how it makes you feel when someone else talks too much.

* Bragging. For some reason, many people feel the need to report on their goals and accomplishments on a first date to someone they just met and barely know. This can also be irritating and can make you come across as a show-off or someone who is insecure about where they are in life.  There is no need for chest beating on a first date. There will be plenty of time for the two of you to get to know each other later and tell each other all the good things that you are eager to share in more subtle ways, if you see each other again. Your first date is not the time to sell yourself like a pushy salesman. Like in business, it will backfire and will push your potential partner away.

* Making future plans on a first date. There is not reason to talk about your second date before your first date is over. It might make you come across as overly eager and even needy. Keep a little bit of the mystery. It’s ok to make the other people wonder whether you like them and whether you are going to see each other again. This is the fun part of dating and is not considered “games.”

* Being rude to the service staff. This is more common among men. For some reason, some guys think that making waiters in restaurants feel like servants will make those guys look more important and superior. Nothing is further from truth. Any decent woman would find the lack of courtesy toward the people who serve you to be a huge turn-off and a sign that the guy is probably arrogant and condescending to other people in his life.

* Not knowing when to call it a night. Again, it’s the guys job to end the date on a high note. Don’t wait until you are out of things to talk about and are exhausted from eating, drinking and talking. End your date while you are still interested in each other and are hungry for more.

It is not unlikely that the next woman you meet and like is on the “rebound” – she just recently broke with someone or was dumped by someone, or she has just gone through a bad divorce, or she was otherwise disappointed in a guy who she really liked or even loved and hoped to have a relationship with. As a slang the term “rebound” means emotionally fragile, possibly desperate, easy, and is looking for just anyone who would fill out the void and sadness, created by that painful break up. This kind of woman is an easy “target” for a guy who is in search of sexual encounters, or quick passionate affairs with women who desperately need affection, attention and validation from any guy.

But if you happened to be interested in a woman who is on the rebound, and you are interested in more than just having sex with her, it’s worth knowing how to approach that kind of woman in a way that would make you get along with her and help both of you develop a connection. There are a two simple things you can and should do to help your interaction with a woman who seems to be on a “rebound”:

1. Minimize the time you spend talking about that hurtful experience of hers that caused her to be “on a rebound.”  While you might want to lend a ear and show empathy, you do not want to turn your conversations with her into therapy sessions where you spend most of the time consoling her and making her feel better about her recent break-up. You might think that she appreciates your efforts to cheer her up, in reality you will be getting into a friend zone quicker than you can imagine. The best way to make a woman forget about her painful past and feel better is stay off that subject and focus and talk about completely different things.

2. The other important thing you can do is not to be as aggressive with the woman who is on the “rebound” as you might normally be with others. Give her a little more time and allow her to feel comfortable near you and to get over that other guy a little more before she becomes intimately involved with you. If you rush things and take advantage of the girl’s vulnerable emotional state, she might sleep with you sooner, but she is also likely to disappear on you right after, feeling both confused about her feelings toward you vs that other guy, and embarrassed that she had sex with you for the wrong reasons – not because she liked you or has developed a deeper interest and connection with you, but because she tried to forget about that other guy through having sex with someone else, whoever that is.

It hurts to be on a rebound, but it is equally unpleasant being that guy, who the woman is rebounding on, so to speak, if you really like her, and she disappears on you in a way that many guys disappear on women after sleeping with them.

The above simple tips should help you minimize the chances of being mislead by a woman’s behavior, if she is on a rebound, and you happened to like her and be interested in getting to know her.

Some people have a strong preference for not talking over the phone before they go out with someone for the first time, if they met online, through a friend or otherwise didn’t have a chance to meet each other before actually going out. It appears that women prefer to not talk before meeting face to face more often than men, and for several reasons: (1) some don’t like talking over the phone or think they are not very good at talking on the phone with someone they don’t know; (2) others think that it’s more intriguing to meet and go out with someone they had no prior contact at all.

I don’t think that one or two phone conversations before going out on a first date is a bad idea at all. If you enjoy talking on the phone, like hearing each other’s voice, making each other laugh and talk about a few things you are both interested in, chances are you will get along in person unless you are not compatible physically. Having that phone interaction before meeting will be an ice breaker and will make you both feel all the more comfortable on a first date.

If, on the other hand, you don’t have a good time talking on the phone, and the conversation seems to be stale and boring, then you shouldn’t bother meeting in person, as it is not going to be any better. In this case, a simple phone conversation will save both you the time and effort of going out on a bad date.

In other words, you should make your first phone conversation your first date.  If it goes well, your “second” first date will be all the better. If it doesn’t, there is no need to go out with that person at all.

Some people have a habit of saying certain things when they meet someone for the first time or when they are out on a first date that hurt them much more than they may think. One common type of such information  that people are so often tempted to share is their past negative dating experiences. They would complain about how awful their exes were, how difficult it is meeting people, and how the members of the opposite cannot be trusted.

Does this ever happen to you? Say you are out with someone you like. You are feeling that initial attraction and connection. It seems to you that the person you are out with is more interesting and more attractive than a few others you were out with, and as a result you are eager and are tempted to share with him/her your recent negative dating past, because for some reason you feel that it will bring you closer together, especially if the other person can identify with your negative dating experience. You might talk about your bad luck meeting new people, or you might bring up the several bad relationships you have had over the past few years, or ugly break-ups, cheating, lying or any kind of abuse you were subjected to by your past partners, thinking that sharing this kind of personal information will increase the romantic connection and will make you feel closer to each other, and will also evoke some kind of empathy toward your past.

In reality, however, this kind of information usually causes a whole lot of damage to your image and how the other person perceives you. You might think that dealing with bad dating life makes you some kind of a hero, but if the other person does not know you well, they will likely naturally assume that if you had series of bad relationships or bad dating experiences, there must be something wrong with you.  They might not see what it is right away, but subconsciously they will start looking for “deal breakers” in you. After all, your date might be thinking that if a number of people didn’t get along with you in the past for whatever reasons, they couldn’t all be wrong. The other person could also assume that all those negative experiences damaged you and likely made you emotionally unavailable to have a healthy interaction and romantic connection in the present or in the future.

Either way, this is clearly not the kind of message you want to convey about yourself to someone you just met or to your date. Resist the urge to share your past negative dating experience and show any kind of signs of being a victim of your own dating life and relationships – at least until such time that you get past the first impressions stage.

Plenty of articles were written about the common courtesy of not answering a cellphone on a date, as it is generally considered rude and inconsiderate toward the person you are out with. However, I believe that even just checking your cellphone compulsively, whether it’s for time, or for incoming text messages or e-mails can be just as rude as answering the phone or even more inappropriate as it likely to make the person you are out with even less important than answering an actual call.

When you are out on one of your first dates with someone you like and would like to be romantically involved, or even when you are meeting up with a friend who you haven’t seen in a while and are not likely to see very often in the future, it is only fair that you will give each other full and undivided attention during those few hours you spend together. Having a conversation with another person who you don’t see very often and who you are interested in maintaining some kind of connection, and taking your eyes off him/her to look at your cellphone for incoming texts or e-mails like so many people do communicates to even not so perceptive and observant people that they are not all that important to you and that your mind is elsewhere while they are talking to you, as you are probably thinking about the e-mail/text you got or about a phone call you are expecting, or you are just concerned about what time it is and are really not paying attention to your company.

Whether it’s on purpose or out of habit – it will still make the other person feel the same – insignificant. Speaking of habits, I knew someone who would look at her phone every time there was a pause in our conversation. The moment I took a few seconds to think about what I was going to say next, she would immediately look at her blackberry, scroll down through the messages and try to type something.

Unless you want the other person to feel like they are taken for granted and their presence mean very little to you, you should avoid looking at your phone unless you expect an urgent call during your meeting. The best practice is to simply turn off your phone and put it away so looking at it is not even an issue. And if you absolutely have to answer or make a call or send that text/e-mail, excuse yourself  and take care of business away.

I also believe that a person who puts away his/er cellphone, turns it off for the night and focus the attention on the other person, shows a great degree of strength, confidence and control over his own life. He does not allow anything or anyone to interfere with his personal time. He is the boss of his off-work hours and of his communication with others. He respects himself and the person he is out with to give them the necessary attention and to make them feel heard and appreciated.

As a woman, you can easily distinguish yourself by not doing what so many other women do when they are out with a guy – holding their phone in their hand and constantly playing with it or looking at it. When you focus on the guy you are out with, you are making a statement of maturity, class and better time management skills than those girls who can’t live for a few hours without being “connected” to their friends.

Lets face it, most of the calls we have to make and texts/e-mails we have to respond to do not involve national security, and they can wait for a few hours, so don’t let your cellphone make you and your company feel like your face time with each other is not as important as it really is.

So, you decided to ask this girl out, but you are not sure how to go about doing that. There is so much conflicting and confusing advice out there on asking women out on a date, that it’s hard to figure out which advice is most useful in your specific situation. Indeed, it is important to ask the girl out the right way and avoid the typical mistakes that so many guys make when they ask girls out.

Here is a list of points that you should keep in mind to make sure that you ask the girl out the right and the attractive way:

1. Don’t ask but invite. Don’t start your conversation with “Would you like to go out with me?” This kind of passive attitude implies a certain lack of confidence and initiative on your part. Women, especially those women who are “romantically” inclined – who want to love and be loved, enjoy seeing a guy who takes charge in sublte but important ways when it comes to going out and dating. So, instead of asking whether she would like to go out on a date, invite her out and start the conversation with: “Let’s take a walk together at this new park.”

2. Don’t use the word “date.” As ironic as it sounds, you are better off not using the word “date” when you are asking a girl out on your first date. Instead, simply invite her to spend time with you. “Lets go on a date” take all the romance and all the tension out of the situation and will likely turn the time you spend together into a very “non-date” like experience. If she asks if it’s going to be a date, this is a perfect opportunity for you to be funny and say playfully something like: “Of course not; it’s purely business.”

3. Be specific about time and place. Don’t say “let’s do….. sometime.” Name the day and approximate time of when you want to meet. Also, don’t use vague, weak words, such as “let’s hang out” as this implies some kind of passive attitude and purposelessness to your time together.

4. Don’t make a big deal out of asking her out. Don’t make it sound like asking her out is a matter of life and death. If you are tense and nervous when asking her out, she will feel just as tense and nervous. Make your invitation sound as if it was the most natural thing for you to do (and it should), and this will help her feel comfortable and at ease with the plan as well.

5. Don’t plan anything too exciting or complicated. The purpose of the first date is to spend time together and focus on each other rather than some very interesting activity such as a concert, sports game, etc. So keep that first date simple where you have the opportunity to talk to each other and get to know each other without too many distractions.

Keep the above five tips for asking a woman out on a first date in mind, and they will likely serve you well.

Daytime first dates, such as lunch dates are a bad idea for several reasons. First, daytime in itself is not very conducive to romantic interactions and creating attraction. Even more importantly, the time pressure of lunchtime itself will likely destroy much of the potential for romance between you and your date. The idea that both of you will probably have to be at work after you meet will be in the back of your minds during the entire time of your date. Instead of being relaxed and enjoying yourself as you normally would be in the evening, you will be thinking about all the things you have done and all the things that you are yet to accomplish before the end of that day. This is very distracting to both of you, and it will undermine the potential attraction that could have been developing between you and your date.

Further, a typical one-hour lunch break is simply not long enough for two people to figure out whether they like each other on their first date. And usually, when people aren’t able to figure our if they like each other on their first date, they don’t have the desire to see each other again. It takes at least a better-than-average experience on a first date for the two people to want to see each other again. A brief, completely neutral interaction between the two will likely not “cut it” for either you or your date. So, don’t suggest having your first date during the lunch hour.

If a woman suggests that you have a lunch date, gracefully decline the invitation and suggest meeting in the evening. The evening atmosphere, especially a weekday evening, is a much more relaxed and more conducive time to a romantic interaction. One fact alone that both of you will not be rushing anywhere during your evening date will be much more beneficial to your good communication, which is a key element of building mutual attraction and interest.

Top 5 Questions You Should Never Ask a Woman on a Date

Many men literally kill attraction between them and the women who they go out with by asking them such questions that communicate all the unappealing and unattractive qualities of those men. To be successful at dating and talking to women, you must absolutely avoid asking those questions that literally kill attraction and any potential for romantic chemistry:

1. “Do you like me?/Am I Your Type?” – this kind of question literally telegraphs a desperate desire for validation and to be liked – a major turn-off to the fast majority of women. When you are out on a date with a woman, you should be able to tell whether she is enjoying your company or not within a relatively short period of time, unless she is extremely shy, so there is no need to ask the “date status” question. But even if you are in doubt, asking this directly should be your last resort and it should be reserved for those situations when you truly get mixed signals.

2. “What kind of guys are you usually dating?” – this is another unattractive question in which you imply that the woman has all the power in deciding whether to “generously bestow” upon you the kind gesture of spending time with you. Even if you don’t intend to, this makes it sound like you are planning to adjust yourself to what she likes so that you can have a chance with her. This will definitely get your interaction off to a wrong start.

3. “What are you looking for in a partner?” – this kind of question will turn any great date into a therapy session and “girl chat” taking your conversation into a heart-to-heart talk that usually girls have over a cup of coffee and which is not conducive to flirting and creating romantic tension at all.

4. “Her: What would you like to do? You: I don’t know. What would you like to do?” – this kind of passive attitude communicates to a woman a man’s total lack of leadership, confidence, direction and desire to court her. This is a major turn-off! Whenever a woman asks you before you go out “What are we going to be doing today?” your answer should be anything BUT “I don’t know. What would you like to do?” Instead, you could say: “It’s a surprised. You will find out soon.” and wink, or say playfully “Does it matter? You will be with me, so you will have a good time.”

5. “What would you like to do next time?” – making plans for your second date during the first date takes away that little power that you have as a man to make a woman wonder and expect your call and seeing you in the future. Instead, by asking this, you make her take you for granted right then and there.

Remember – having great first dates is just as much about what you don’t as about what you do, so by avoiding mistakes that are so easy to not make, you are much more likely to have much better first dates.

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I remember watching an episode of “Sex in the City” in which one of the female characters (who was named Charlotte in the series) set two first dates one after the other on the same evening, and she was complaining to one of her friends about not knowing how she was going to handle having two dinners in one night. None of the two guys she was going to go out with told her that they were going out eating, but she just assumed that because that’s pretty much what every guy has been doing as long as she could remember going out on first dates. This was yet another reminder to me of how painfully predictable and cliche it is – taking out a woman to a dinner on a first date. Not making your first date a cliche experience is only one of the reasons why you should not go out to have dinner on a first date.

Although it might not make it or break it, having a meal during your first date and during one of your initial interactions with a woman is not likely to be conducive to creating and developing attraction. Instead of focusing on each other, you will be focusing on the food that is in front of you. And, of course, the more elaborate your meal is, the more likely you are to focus on what’s on the table rather than on each other, as you should be doing on a first date.

Generally, a first date dinner forces the two to sit relatively far from each other. That distance, in addition to a possible self-consciousness about your table manners is likely to further contribute to the overall “stiffness” of the situation during those moments when you should be anything but stiff and when breaking the ice, and feeling and making the other person feel as comfortable as possible are so important.

Dinner on a first date is also an unnecessary expense. Under the risk of sounding cheap I will suggest that regardless of how well off you are financially, that kind of expense on a first date is premature.It’s not the price tag but the gesture itself that makes the wrong statement the first time you are spending time with woman.

Buying a woman a meal on a first date also subtly communicates to her that you believe that you have to buy her time and attention with food and that it’s not worth it for her to simply be with you just for you, for who you are and for what you have to offer as a man – your character and personality. This is very unattractive because it conveys insecurity and lack of self-esteem, whether it’s true or not. A woman should be out with you in order to enjoy your company, and if she isn’t, you are both better off knowing it as soon as possible and not covering the obvious lack of chemistry and romantic connection with food.

Don’t get me wrong – dinner can be a very enjoyable, romantic first date or any date for that matter, but it’s far better when it’s shared with someone you know and where mutual interest and attraction have already been established.

A cup of coffee or ice-cream and a walk are perfectly fine first date treats, and you should not go beyond that with a woman who you barely know on a first date. A simple, pressure-free activity will make both people feel more comfortable on a first date and will allow you to focus on getting to know each other.