Question: I’m not sure if you’ve heard of these books, but i’ve a read a book called ‘Why Men Love Bitches’ and i’ve read one called ‘Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man’ and in a way they contradict each other, it would be good if you could do a review on them or your perspective (as a guy). For example, the first book makes it seem as though men are attracted to women who are independent and rely on themselves completely (financially etc), and are attracted to girls who seem like their life is fulfilled regardless of him being a part of it. Whereas, the other book states that men want to be with a woman who they feel needs them & that it is innate for them to feel the need to provide for her/protect her & they wouldn’t feel the need to be with her otherwise.
Obviously, in the end everyone is attracted to different things, but it would be good to get another view. 

PracticalHappiness.com Answer: Great question. I guess it could be summarized into whether men really like bitches. I could see how the message that the above books convey seem to be contradictory, and here are my thoughts. Please bear in mind that the following is just an opinion of one man, even though I am trying to be as objective as I can.

First, obviously different men want a different kind of woman. They say that opposites attract, and often it seems to be true. Aggressive “bitchy” women get along with the more sweet and “docile” men, and the very masculine “alpha” males are often attracted to the more traditional, feminine woman.

In addition, here is a number of other observations. Bitchy women might be purely sexually more arousing to a guy, because that’s the attitude that’s sexually appealing – the attitude of a model on a runway who looks very confident or even stuck up, whose nose is high up and who thinks that she is all that. When a woman acts like she is “hot” it makes her look “hotter” to the unarmed male eye, so to speak. This of course does not make her more attractive as a personal or more desirable as a relationship partner.

For some guys, “getting” a bitch and dating one or even having sex with one is a personal challenge. They might have been successful at meeting, attracting and dating the “softer” kind and are now ready to the more difficult conquests.  They like a woman who is loud, argumentative and competitive – the one who will disagree just for the sake of showing that she can, and that no one can control her. The one who has to demonstrate her independence in every way possible, and the one who is notoriously hard to get along with.

Other men, especially the ones who are more traditional or conservative in their view of gender roles and values, appreciate more a woman who is conservative and who acts “softer” and more humble in her demeanor. They are not big fans of extreme feminism or women who try to act like men or be like men in every way they can.

Most importantly, I believe that both extremes can be damaging to a woman’s love life. While every woman has her natural predisposition to be more aggressive or more laid back in her behavior, being a corporate overachiever who rejects all gender roles, and who acts like she is always in charge is just as damaging as being a demur, subservient woman who is afraid of expressive herself in any way. In my highly subject view the best kind of a woman is the one who combines a “soft” and feminine nature with professional and educational ambition. Unlike some people out there believe, the two are not mutually exclusive but can actually enhance each other. This kind of woman doesn’t need to run around and announce to the world how strong and independent she is. She enjoys pleasing and enjoys to be pleased.

One of the challenges that men face when attempting to initiate a romantic connection with a woman is dealing with the mixed signals that a woman sends or seems to be sending. Before we discuss how to deal with those mixed signals most effectively, it’s important to understand why women send these mixed signals. I believe there are three major reasons for this kind of behavior, and you should respond to each behavior accordingly:

(1) Some women send mixed signals about whether they are interested or not completely unconsciously and unintentionally. They have no idea that their friendliness appears to be as flirting and a sign of interest; conversely, some men’s wishful thinking makes them interpret signs of friendliness as flattering signs of attraction and romantic interest. Sometimes both of the above factors come into play at the same tie. The only way to find out whether that woman is interested in you is to actually take the risk and make a move, whether it’s asking her out, whether it’s trying to kiss her, touch her or whatever else that would suggest that you are going a step further and beyond of where you were with her so far.

(2) Some women send mixed signals because they enjoy the attention that they get from men when they flirt and suggest that they might be interested in a guy, even if they are not. This gives them reassurance that they are attractive, wanted, and they can get that guy or any guy if they want to. The more harsh term for this type of woman is “attention whore.”  This kind of behavior is not easy to recognize right away, but usually it becomes obvious when the woman who flirts with you seems to behave exactly the same with other guys, even in your presence. This kind of woman is “getting off” on being admired, and she is generally bad news. She is the one who is used to juggling several guys and playing with their time and feelings. Unless you are looking to hang out or have a very light fun with her, you will setting yourself up for disappointment.

(3) Mixed signals from women are also often a results of them wanting to show an interest in a guy that they might be interested in.  At the same time these women are really concerned about coming across as desperate, and therefore are trying cover up their signs of interest with signs of lack of interest. Thus, a woman who is interested in you might be very friendly to you at one point, smile, touch you while talking to you and then, all of a sudden, she will think that she is being too aggressive and too obvious and she will pull back, and will try to look like she is not interested as much, so that you do not get the “wrong” idea, even when that idea would be very “right” for both of you. This concern on the woman’s part is particularly significant if she actually likes you and doesn’t want to turn you off by being too “easy” or too pushy. If that’s the kind of woman you think you are dealing with, patience is the name of the game here. You should give her more time to feel comfortable around you and not be concerned about her showing interest in you too early and then pulling back. You should understand that these ups and downs in your behavior toward you are a normal behavior and part of her trying to feel more comfortable around you.

It is not unlikely that the next woman you meet and like is on the “rebound” – she just recently broke with someone or was dumped by someone, or she has just gone through a bad divorce, or she was otherwise disappointed in a guy who she really liked or even loved and hoped to have a relationship with. As a slang the term “rebound” means emotionally fragile, possibly desperate, easy, and is looking for just anyone who would fill out the void and sadness, created by that painful break up. This kind of woman is an easy “target” for a guy who is in search of sexual encounters, or quick passionate affairs with women who desperately need affection, attention and validation from any guy.

But if you happened to be interested in a woman who is on the rebound, and you are interested in more than just having sex with her, it’s worth knowing how to approach that kind of woman in a way that would make you get along with her and help both of you develop a connection. There are a two simple things you can and should do to help your interaction with a woman who seems to be on a “rebound”:

1. Minimize the time you spend talking about that hurtful experience of hers that caused her to be “on a rebound.”  While you might want to lend a ear and show empathy, you do not want to turn your conversations with her into therapy sessions where you spend most of the time consoling her and making her feel better about her recent break-up. You might think that she appreciates your efforts to cheer her up, in reality you will be getting into a friend zone quicker than you can imagine. The best way to make a woman forget about her painful past and feel better is stay off that subject and focus and talk about completely different things.

2. The other important thing you can do is not to be as aggressive with the woman who is on the “rebound” as you might normally be with others. Give her a little more time and allow her to feel comfortable near you and to get over that other guy a little more before she becomes intimately involved with you. If you rush things and take advantage of the girl’s vulnerable emotional state, she might sleep with you sooner, but she is also likely to disappear on you right after, feeling both confused about her feelings toward you vs that other guy, and embarrassed that she had sex with you for the wrong reasons – not because she liked you or has developed a deeper interest and connection with you, but because she tried to forget about that other guy through having sex with someone else, whoever that is.

It hurts to be on a rebound, but it is equally unpleasant being that guy, who the woman is rebounding on, so to speak, if you really like her, and she disappears on you in a way that many guys disappear on women after sleeping with them.

The above simple tips should help you minimize the chances of being mislead by a woman’s behavior, if she is on a rebound, and you happened to like her and be interested in getting to know her.

At one point or another, every guy wonders about the answer to this question – how often should he call the girl he met and started seeing in order to maximize his chances to be attractive to her, to have success with her and possible develop a mutual romantic interest. There is that fear of calling too often and being perceived as too available or too desperate on one hand. On the other hand, not calling enough creates the risk of coming across as not interested or coming across as someone who playing games and mind tricks.

So, how often should you be call a woman you met and started talking to and going out with? Like with most other dating and relationship questions, I don’t believe there is a single, universal answer to this question. Every woman is a different and unique individuals and has different expectations and needs when it comes to the nature, the quality and the frequency of communication with men. For some, hearing a man’s voice and getting a call every day is very important and is an essential part of romance and courtship. Other women dread talking on the phone and will be perfectly content just texting or e-mailing you until they see you in person. Many of those women were annoyed by the guys who made them hang on the phone for hours in the past, and they want to avoid the same experience in the future. For the third group a combination of both works best. Having said that, I believe that when it comes to calling a woman you started dating, there is one main factor that should determine how often you should be talking to her – the initial dynamic of your interaction. I believe that most interactions start in one of the two ways, and your frequency of talking to women should be determined by which dynamic your relationship belongs to:

1. “Instant flying sparks” – you met a woman and you are instantly attracted to each other on all levels. You both find each other exceptional and you can’t have enough of each other in bed. When you are not together, you are constantly thinking about each other. You are so excited about life that you have a hard time falling asleep and you wake up much earlier than usual. You are in a great mood during the day, you are fully of energy, and you are much friendlier to people around you. Under these circumstances it would only make sense that you talk to each other on the phone every day that you don’t see each other. It would not make sense to deny this from you and from your woman. The woman might start resenting you if you don’t, as it will be hard to explain while you are not calling her if you have such a great relationship going on. These daily conversations don’t have to be long, but making that call might be a good idea.

2. The second and a more common kind of dynamic is where the two people meet, they are somewhat interested in each other, but they don’t really know each other all that well, and it’s not clear exactly where their interaction is going. It’s possible that you are much more interested in the girl much earlier than she is interested in you, or vise versa. It’s possible that you will grow to like each other and become attracted to each other more as time goes by. At this point, it’s important to have a balance of both showing your attention and interest, but at the same time not overbear each other with your presence in person or on the phone. Calling a couple of times a week in the beginning and then talking more often if and when the relationship grows might be the right way to go.

Of course, once you are in a committed relationship, most women would expect, and justifiably so, to hear from you every day, and ideally it should be something you enjoy doing if you are in a relationship with the right person.

I am not the biggest fan of being a “challenge”  when it comes to dating, at least not as it is presented by some sources of dating advice, who suggest that making yourself purposefully unavailable, taking longer than you normally would to return e-mails and phone call, etc., would actually increase the attraction and the romantic interest of your dating partner. However, one response seems to be practically a part of our nature. We seem to lose romantic interest in our dating partner if he/she is too nice, too accommodating, tries to please us and tries to be the kindest and the most giving person to us.

Most of us will remember people who were very clear about being interested in us shortly after they met us. However, that obvious interest often leads us to making those people second priority. Consciously or not, we started believing that since our big admirer is there for us anyway there is no reason to pursue them. You may be doing your absolute best in a relationship as far as being giving, honest and generous, and then you will be shocked to find out that your relationship partner is losing interest in you and wants out. This doesn’t make any sense to you on a surface, as you expect your partner to appreciate and give you as much back as you give to them. But love and romantic attraction is not business! It does not work like business, and you cannot expect the same reciprocity and fairness.

It is essential that you understand and remember that there is a fundamental difference between being nice, kind, and giving and being attractive and desirable. To maintain your partner’s interest, you must consistently exercise certain qualities that make you attractive as an individual – your independence, your own lifestyle and your personal choices when it comes to basic things that define your identity, and your own opinions.

This means that it is not only ok, but it is even healthy to disagree with your partner and even argue once in a while. It’s a good idea to honestly confront your partner about things that you are not happy about in your relationship or in his/her behavior instead of blindly accepting everything about him/her. It’s actually healthy for your relationship to be a little selfish and look out for your own needs, interests, and goals. After all, if you don’t love and respect yourself, why would your partner appreciate you? This of course doesn’t mean that you have to turn into one of those stubborn people who insist on their own no matter what just for the sake of insisting and who disagree just in order to challenge their partner, but a healthy debate or disagreement might just inject new life and energy into your interaction.

It’s also good idea for you to go out and do things at your spare time without the company of your partner. Some people believe that being in love and caring for each other means that you have to spend as much time as possible together. However, as the video below suggests, space is essential to maintaining a healthy loving relationship.

Few things are more frustrating about dating than our disappointments in people and their unreliable behavior. Because the phenomenon of “flaking” is so common, criticizing it and judging it, no matter how well justified, is of no benefit to the “victim” of flaking. Instead, understanding it and accepting flaking as a natural, normal part of dating can be quite useful in dealing with having others flake on you in the future.

You go to a shoe a store, see 100 pairs of shoes or more, and your eye catches 4 or 5 pairs that you would like to try on. Out of those few pairs, you find one that looks good and that is comfortable to wear. You buy that pair, wear it right away and a few blocks later, you might realize that these shoes are not as comfortable as you thought they were. A few minutes later, the discomfort becomes intolerable, and you are eager to return the shoes.

Lets face it – we don’t like most shoes, and even the ones we like at first, seem less attractive an comfortable shortly after we purchase them. Similarly, we don’t like most people and most people don’t like us in a romantic sense. There is nothing wrong with it. It’s quite natural. Further, people who seem to like us, are very likely to change their mind later for a whole range of reasons, many of which have little, or nothing to do with you. In fact, if you think about your own behavior and analyze it honestly and objectively, I am sure that you will find a few instances in your recent past, where you might have been considered a flake as well.

So, while I encourage you to always reflect on your behavior and the possible mistakes that you make in your interactions with the opposite sex, as this is one of the most effective ways to improve yourself, I urge you to not take flaking personally, as hard as it might be sometimes, and realize that like cheating, divorce, and jealousy – flaking is just a natural, negative side effect of human interaction that you have to be ready for.

And if a particular, recent, negative dating experience bothers you and someone hurt your feelings, this article on how to deal with break-ups might push you in the right direction toward recovering and getting back on a positive track. And if you are a woman, how has had series of disappointing experiences with men recently, I highly suggest that you read the article on handling negative dating past.

As we talk to different people about their dating lives, it’s almost inevitable for us to hear the typical complaints of “he is just playing games” or “I am tired of games” and “I don’t play games.” My observations, however, suggest that everyone plays games of some kind when it comes to dating. This includes people as well as animals. Other living creatures are running around, chasing each other, scratching each other, and running away from each other even if both are interested in each other and eventually get together. It therefore must be the force of nature that makes “games” practically an inevitable part of the mating ritual for all living beings. And when it comes to the nature of games, a female animal that puts her tail between the legs to prevent sexual interaction with a male, even though she might be interested, is no different from a human female who makes herself unavailable to the man she is dating for a period of time in order to be reassured of his serious intentions about her, even if she is very much attracted to him and interested in being with him.

As condemnable playing games might be in some people’s opinions, it’s an inevitable, natural part of dating experience, and if you learn the rules, that game will be a very enjoyable experience. The games we play allow us to both protect our personal interests, feelings and emotions and make our romantic counterpart more interested and more attracted to us.

There is no point in denying that we all play games when it comes to dating and relationships. These “games” can be quite incredible stimulants of mental and physical attraction and if they are free of deceipt and other kinds of emotional abuse, they are one of the greatest spices of love and our romantic life.

Lately, I have been getting the “mixed signals” question more and more often and I am compelled to address it. Usually, it’s the guys who are really curious as to why a certain girl they are interested in and who they think is interested in them is much more friendly and flirtatious on some days and acts very distant on other days.

I believe that the explanation of this behavioral phenomenon is rather simple. The behavior of both men and women is constantly changing as our mood is changing from day to day and even throughout the day. We are all friendlier on some days than others, depending on a whole range of circumstances and events that take place on any given day in our lives. So, a man should not expect a woman who is interested in him to constantly flirt with him and be equally friendly at all times.

If you are a guy and you think that a certain girl’s attitude toward you is unstable and she seems to be giving mixed signals to you, think about yourself and ask yourself honestly – are you equally interested in talking to her or getting closer to her every single day? Is your romantic and sexual desire of exactly the same intensity every single day? Of course not. We, humans, don’t operate like that. This appplies to both men and women, although in slightly different ways.

So, if a woman who is usually friendly to you is not as friendly to you on a particular day, don’t assume that she is mad at you or that she is not interested any longer. She might be more serious or looking less happy for many other reasons that have nothing to do with you. But, of course, if she seems to be acting very differently from her usual self, there is nothing wrong with coming up to her and asking if everything is ok.

I am not a big fan of this whole idea of being a “challenge” with women like some sources of dating advice suggest you should follow. I never advocate waiting for 7 days or longer before you call a woman after you got her number, or making yourself “artificially” and purposely less available than you should be, because I truly believe that when you understand a more fundamental principle of what makes men attractive to women, you won’t have to worry about being a challenge.

And that principle is as follows: a woman develops attraction, romantic and sexual interest and love for a man not so much because of how he treats her but because of who he is. In other words, being sweet, accommodating, kind and generous with a woman alone, without the other elements of being an attractive man, is not going to make her more attracted to a guy. On the other hand, when a man demonstrates qualities that make him come across as more masculine – confidence, sense of humor, charisma, physical and mental strength and sexual aggression – those qualities will make a woman admire him as an individual more and as a result will make her more attracted to him.

Moreover, being overly nice, accommodating and kind to a woman will actually lead to the opposite result – it will make a woman less attracted to a guy and even be bored with him. I believe that an analogy between sexual encounter and any other interaction between a man and a woman is very helpful to understanding why being too nice with women is a big dating mistake. See, sex, the basic, most fundamental romantic interaction between a man and a woman, is an inherently “dirty” act. It is dirty because people and especially women enjoy it most when it’s NOT played by the conventional rules. Many passionate, feminine women would much rather being thrown against a wall, put on the kitchen table, have their hair pulled, being licked from head to tow and being otherwise physically / sexually dominated than being handled in a gentle, sweet, overly concerned manner all the time. I strongly believe that the things that a woman wants in her sex life are strongly indicative of what a woman desires to see in her partner – a man who is aggressive, decisive, and isn’t afraid to taking risks, while being an interesting, entertaining and at times unpredictable individual.

The movie “Flannel Pajamas” is a great example of how a guy who focuses his entire life on a woman’s needs and wants without demonstrating and developing his own character will eventually become annoying to his partner, no matter how sweet and humble she might be, and will eventually lose her. I highly recommend that you watch that movie so that you do not commit the same many mistakes when you meet a great woman who you want to love you and not lose interest in you as your relationship develops and evolves.

As you watch this movie, notice how the guy says at one point to his wife: “I am sorry, this won’t happen again, I promise,” and I hope you will be disguisted with hearing that as much as I was. While I am a big fan of apologizing when I am wrong, this is simply not the right way to say “I am sorry.” Also, pay special attention how, closer to the end of the movie, he compares himself to his brother and how he correctly points out why his brother is so much more successful at attracting women than he is.

Many sources of dating advice suggest that women are not attracted to, and are not interested in, dating “nice” guys. However, few of those sources bother to explain why – why don’t women find attractive that which they seem to really want and even openly ask from the opposite sex? Why is it that these women ask for a sweet, caring, genuine, generous guy, but once they meet one, they get bored so quickly and they can’t wait to move on because they just feel that “there is no chemistry there.”

In order to understand this fascinating phenomenon, it is crucial that you realize and remember that there is a fundamental difference between being a nice guy and being an attractive guy. Did you ever ask yourself – what does it mean being attractive to a woman? Well, in short it means being an interesting individual who has qualities that make him an interesting and a good company. Look at this concept carefully for a moment – “good” alone and in itself won’t cut it. It must be good and interesting. Being good means all those positive qualities of being honest, caring, genuine, considerate, and all other traits that make a nice guy. But, how does that guy become interesting? Well, to be an interesting company, you must be confident, funny, and different from other guys. All my dating audio programs for guys are dedicated to explaining in great detail what being confident, different, and funny means. For the purposes of this article I want to suggest to you that it means anything but being “nice.” If all you are is nice, this means that you are boring! You are not doing anything to challenge a woman’s mind, to contribute to and openly critique her opinions, to make her laugh, to be sarcastic and tease her, and to make fun of her and yourself in an endearing and charming way that will turn your interaction with her into a fun and memorable banter. If all you do is saying “excuse me, I agree, exactly, I am sorry, are you ok? are you sure about this?” and alike, you are anything but an attractive man. You are considerate, polite, kind, and all those other great things, but you are NOT sexy to her! You don’t turn her on! And without that, you can’t possibly be a romantic/dating candidate.

Think about it – there are certain qualities that you expect to see in a woman! Her body must be of a certain shape. Her behavior must make her come across as gentle, elegant and feminine. Well, a woman is also looking to find certain fundamental qualities in a man that she wants to be romantically involved with. These qualities have nothing to do with being a nice guy, simply because she wants every guy she deals with socially, at work, at school or in any other setting to be nice. There has to be something else in a guy she will be attracted to, beyond being nice – he has to show that masculinity that manifests itself in confidence, sense of humor and standing out from the rest of the guys in simple but obvious ways. We just talked briefly about confidence and humor. What about being different from other guys? Well, there are quite a few ways in which you can stand out form the rest. You might be different because you have a certain rare hobby that captures your soul and consumes a lot of your time. Your hobby or hobbies excite you and reflect on your personality and your passion for doing what you enjoy so much. Seeing a man with a passion is naturally attractive to women. You may come across as a different and a better guy just because you don’t get as drunk when you are out like everyone else, and you don’t allow yourself to degrade to the embarassing levels of stupor like many other guys in bars and clubs. When a woman sees that you give yourself more respect by not lowering yourself to the levels of others around you, she is very likely to be intrigued by you – that guy who doesn’t conform to the behavior of others and who likes to be in control of himself at all times. Perhaps there is a unique style to your appearance or perhaps you worked on your linguistic skills and you are more eloquent than the average guy out there – those are just a few other random, simple ways in which you can stand out and be more attractive to women.

So, what am I trying to say here? The bottoms line is this: being a nice guy is great and you shouldn’t change that about yourself. But, you should be nice and something more than just that – that something that makes you attractive and even sexually desirable to women – you must possess the qualities that distinguish you and set forth your masculinity clearly to the opposite sex. And those qualities are your sense of humor, your confidence, and your being different from most other, average nice guys.