Lately, I have been hearing quite a few single women complain that guys are not aggressive enough and that they do not approach women, and don’t come up and talk to them as much as these women would like them to. After speaking with them briefly about this issue, it became very clear to me why this is the case. These women expect guys to do all the “work.” They don’t want to give the men they are interested in or might be interested in any signal of interest whatsoever, fearing that this would make them look needy or desperate. These girls don’t realize that many, if not most, men will not approach a woman if they don’t sense some kind of invitation from a woman.

When a guy is thinking about approaching a woman and he notices that she looks and acts like she is not interested in being disturbed by anyone, this is discouraging to him. A simple smile and an eye contact can and often do go a long way toward giving many guys that little confidence that they need in order to approach and start talking to a woman. This is true in just about any situation.

Making an eye contact and smiling at a guy does not make you needy or desperate. It only makes you look friendly and approachable  - exactly the way you want to look if you are interested in having more guys approach you and start talking to you. This might sound like the oldest and the most basic advice, but it’s still as important as it ever has been. You cannot expect a guy approach you if disconnect yourself from the world by headphones and sunglasses (or both at the same time). There is simply no way around it – your eye contact is the most primal and the most essential element of meeting people. And, even though acting stuck up might make you feel like you are cool, it makes you virtually unapproachable to most civilized men.

“Trying too hard” – we have heard this expression many times. Most of us notice pretty quickly when someone is trying too hard to be more attractive, and to appear wealthier or more successful. Sometimes, it looks intimidating, but more often than not – it is annoying. One of the big steps toward becoming a more attractive potential or actual dating / relationship partner is making sure that you don’t come across as someone who is trying too hard, as it is a turn-off at just about any stage of dating – from approaching and meeting someone for the first time, to first dates and at later dating stages. Here are some of the more common ways in which both men and women try too hard and often in all the wrong ways:

* Too Much Style. Do you have too much style? Do you look like a runway model or conversely – a clown or someone who hasn’t showered in a month? Do you stick out like a sore thumb with your haircut or hair color, tattoos, piercings, very high heels, very short skirt, or bright colors, thinking that it makes you unique, special and different from everyone else? However, chances are that it makes you come across as weirdo at best. There are more meaningful ways to stand out from the rest than by trying to shock someone with the way you look. Trying too hard to look like Cindy Crawford on one hand, or like Prince, Michael Jackson, or Lady Gaga on the other hand is as likely to make it harder for you to meet someone new, as it is to make the right impression on a first date. Being preoccupied with your appearance will likely make you a subject of mockery rather than admiration.

* Being too loud. Are you overly “articulate”? Do you make your presence known all too well when you enter a restaurant by making sure that everyone hears what you are talking about? Is your laughter too loud because you have too much fun? You might think that what you are talking about is fascinating and is of great interest to the people around you, but most likely the only reaction you will evoke by being loud is eye rolling on the part of those people around who will find your voice and volume nothing other than obnoxious.

* Talking too much. Do you talk too much? Are you draining other people’s energy with protracted monologues about your accomplishments and your challenges, thinking that it somehow makes you look like a hero? It probably doesn’t. Your audience is probably waiting for you to finish, and they might be spacing out and thinking about their grocery list in the meantime. I have noticed how some guys, when approaching a woman, strike up a conversation and will simply not stop talking, not even allowing a woman the opportunity to respond. Many guys could tell stories about the women they went out with, who would simply not shut up. Be assured that excessive chattiness does not make you appear smarter or more attractive. Even if what you say is very interesting, if you are talking too much, it is simply going to tire your date. Having a conversation means having two people talk; not just one talker and one listener the whole time.

* Being too accommodating. Do you always agree on everything with every person you are attracted to or go out with, because you just want to “play it safe” and not ruin your chances? You might think that being too agreeable and too accommodating will make you appear sweet and nice, but it is also a sure way to come across as boring and be on an express train to friends zone. It’s ok to disagree or offer your input on something as long as you do it in a respectful way and do not insist on being right all the time.

* Being too funny. Are you too funny? Do you crack too many jokes? Are you being so sarcastic that it prevents the other person from seeing your serious side? Being entertaining is good, but if that’s the only thing you bring to the table, sooner or later you will be nothing but a comedian to the other person. And being a comedian is almost never equal to being a date or a lover.

* Being “too busy”. Do you run around telling people about how busy and overwhelmed you are with your very important job, very important school, and other projects? Are you too much of a “challenge?” – does it take a week to get a hold of you on the phone, because you take 5 days or longer to return a phone call? Does scheduling the time and place to meet with you for a date sound more like negotiating a business contract with you? Bear in mind that you are probably not the busiest person in the world, so this kind of attitude might just make you look week or enslaved by your own circumstances, or someone who tries to look more important than they really are.

Being attractive is just as much about what you aren’t, as it is about what you are, and it’s just as much about what you don’t do, as it is about what you do. By simply not trying too hard and not giving off that vibe of someone who craves attention or wants to prove something about himself under the pretense of being overly happy or excited or overly important or overly high maintenance, you will in fact be far more attractive. This doesn’t mean that you have to conform and be just like everyone else, but it means that you probably want to find a happy medium between the two extremes.

Texting seems to be a blessing and big curse to people’s dating lives. As I walk around the busy streets of San Francisco, I can’t help but be amazed by how many people seem to be utterly and completely consumed at every free moment with texting. They seem to completely disregard what is going on around them. Some of these people are very single and are very eager to meet other singles and yet they do everything they can to avoid any kind of eye contact and any kind of chance of casual interaction with another person, having their eyes glued to their cellphones.

I could walk by a busy bus station, and 20 out of the 25 people will be looking down on their cellphone and texting constantly while waiting for the bus without even acknowledging the people around them. I wonder if anyone of them check their e-mail or dating site apps to see if anyone has wrote to them or responded to their message.  If this happens in this city, I am sure that the same is going on in just about any other busy city. Surely, texting is fun, convenient, useful, and a huge time saver. I would never suggest that texting as a whole is bad and we should all stop texting. But is there such a thing as too much texting? Many compulsive texters are “very” single – they are very eager to meet and date people, but their texting habits are killing one essential an fundamental element of flirting that must be present for any kind of casual interacting to take place – eye contact. It is as simple as that – when your eyes are locked on your phone, you simply don’t see other people. You are unable to make a friendly eye contact with a guy. You cannot invite someone to talk to you and meet you. You make yourself look unapproachable.

You might not be interested in meeting guys all the time and you might not want to be approached on the street too often, but as a single woman you surely don’t want to limit your opportunities of meeting guys to just those few hours when you are going out to a bar/club/restaurant with your friends. We all know that the most exciting things tend to happen unexpectedly. You can’t plan where and how you will meet that great guy. Allowing your cellphone stand between you and your non-verbal interaction with men eliminates any chance of you meeting the men around you.  It all starts with the eye contact, but eye contact and texting don’t go together. Regardless of how you feel about meeting men out there on the street, taking your eyes of the phone more often and checking out the world and the men around you might just be more fun than texting. Try it, and you might be surprised how people watching and looking at the guys you find attractive translates into new exciting dating and other social opportunities.

One of the biggest complaints men have about the women they meet (at least in some areas of the US and the world) is that they are flaky – they don’t follow through and/or are not good at returning phone calls / emails or showing up for a date when they say they will. Surely sometimes it’s a man’s fault that the woman he is interested in acts like she doesn’t care, because she really doesn’t, or because he  did something to make her lose interest in him. However, more often than not these women have flaky mentality, so to speak. They have poor time management skills, are unable to commit to anything, and don’t think that canceling a date an hour or two before for nor particular reason is a big deal. Some are well aware of that flaw in their personality and even say “I can’t plan anything, let’s play it by ear…”  This kind of attitude hurts a woman more than any guy she flakes on in more ways than one. To be successful in anything in life, you have to be able to (1) plan and (2) stick to the plan. As simple as that. Reliability is paramount to any accomplishment. You can’t achieve significant professional or educational success if you don’t meet project deadlines and school deadlines, if you cancel or are chronically late to meetings, and if others’ can rely on your word. Surely, many women who are flaking when it comes to going out with guys and dating are nothing but reliable when it comes to their professional obligations. It is hardly flattering to a woman to treat her business associates or colleagues better than other people. After all, following through and not flaking is a matter of basic courtesy that one human being should be extending to others.

By the same token, the kind of men that most women are interested in – attractive, interesting, accomplished, ambitious, and confident – expect the same qualities of reliability from women. The busier the man is, the more he has on his plate, the more frustrating it will be for him to deal with a woman who can’t return a phone call/e-mail or who is chronically late when they go out. That guy will quickly give up on a woman who has time management problems and who is harder to meet and/or get a hold of than she should be.  The kind of men that you would respect and admire, also respect and admire themselves and they will have little, if any, tolerance for anyone who doesn’t respect their time and life. This is not a matter of ego on their part. If they are used to dealing with people who don’t need to be asked twice what to do and where to be, that’s the kind of interaction they are used to be, and anything short of that would be disappointing and unworthy of any effort.

You might be saying “But so many of my friends are flaky. And men too are flakes.” That might be true, but this doesn’t mean that you have to join that club. There is little honor in being one of them. On the other hand, this is a great opportunity for you to stand out from the rest and show that you know better and that you are better when it comes to being a reliable person – professionally and socially.

Being prompt and reliable is an important quality in any relationship – in a friend, a co-worker, and of course a romantic partner. Don’t send the wrong message about who you are by being flaky to anyone who matters to you or even to those people who are not that important to you. This is a matter of courtesy and your own self respect. If you feel you have an issue with being on time or returning phone calls/e-mails, don’t justify it with the “that’s just how I am” excuse. Instead, consciously work on it, and you will be surprised by the amount of satisfaction that becoming more reliable and less flaky will bring into your own life, and how much better about yourself you will feel once you keep your word and gain a reputation of someone who follows through in the eyes of others and your own.

Almost every dating book on the market talks about the importance of first impressions when it comes to dating. Many dating advice guides go as far as to say that a woman can determine within 30 seconds of meeting a guy whether she is going to sleep with him.  Many, if not most, guys believe that if there is no instant chemistry/attraction when they meet a woman, they do not belong together. This is not always true. In fact, I have seen and also experienced a number of incredibly fulfilling relationships that didn’t start as “love at first sight”. Some of them started quite slowly – even with a not-so-great first date, where I would think that a woman I went out with didn’t even like me.  I met at least two women with whom I had pretty bad first dates, and both of whom struck me as very interesting, attractive and desirable later. In fact, I think that all of the women I ended up developing feelings for and dating long term, wasn’t as intriguing to me right away and my feelings took time to develop. I am not sure why that was the case. Maybe I wasn’t myself when I initially met them. Or perhaps they had their guards up or they otherwise didn’t act like they normally would at first, as they were concerned about sending the wrong message, such as being easy or desperate. I am not sure. What I am sure of, however, is that if it happened to me several times and if it happened to a few of my friends, it means it happens to other people as well.

Having a tendency to analogize things, I can’t help but conclude that it’s hardly surprising that strong feelings don’t always flourish in an instant and they take time to evolve into a real emotion. After all, many other great things will not necessarily strike you as such right away – some of the best movies start rather slow; the first few pages or even chapters of some of the most influential pieces of literature out there are not all the exciting to read, and it sometimes takes re-reading once or even more to really appreciate and understand a certain book.

So, what does this mean to you? – this might just suggest that you shouldn’t place as much importance on your first impressions, as you might have been in the past. Perhaps we shouldn’t judge whether we might love someone and have a great romantic connection with them by the very first few moments of meeting someone. Just because we are not “feeling it” right away, doesn’t mean that we won’t be crazy about the same person a week, a month, or a year later.

It is often suggested that men care about a woman’s looks much more than about personality, while women can overlook the physical appearance of a man if his other qualities, such as his personality, sense of humor, confidence, financial statuts, etc… make up for it. I believe that the above stereotypes are at best partially true, relying on which can be quite misleading, as they seem to overlook and understimate the importance of looks in a men and the importance of personality in a woman.

It is true that a man naturally notices a woman because of her looks first. However, what keeps a man’s interest and makes him stick around and potentially commit to that woman is her personality. The reality around us proves this over and over. There are plenty of physically very attractive women out there who have frustrating dating lives. They have no problem meeting men due to their physical beauty. They may be having dates with different guys every day, but they have a hard time connecting with anyone or maintaining a meaningful romantic relationships, and few guys, if any, ever fall in love with them. Because these women get so much attention from men and go out so often, they get disappointed just as often in the outcome of their short lived interactions with men, which makes the whole dating experiences for them all the more painful, especially for those women who are looking to find “the one” and settle down. This is not to suggest that these women and their personality is the only factor to blame, but often not being able to grab a man’s mind and attention for longer is the reason that these guys lose interest and are unable to see themselves in a long term relationship with these women.

Men, on the other hand, are often told that they shouldn’t care so much about their looks and it’s their personality that matters the most. While it’s true that a woman can overlook a man’s appearance for his other “redeeming” qualities, this is generally the case only where a woman is already familiar with and is attracted to the guy’s personality before either of the two made any effort to get involved with each other. For instance, if a female student is very fond of one of her instructors on an intellectual level, she might become attracted to him because she already got to know his personality (not by choice), so his appearance will play little role in her level of romantic interest in him. However, in a situation where two strangers are attempting to meet each other (a bar / restaurant, blind date, introduction, etc…) a man’s physical appearance – both his style and his physique – will play a big role in his ability to attract a woman.

Making the most out of what you have through your attire and your grooming, without looking over the top and like you are trying too hard, is a very good idea when it comes to going out and meeting women or going out on a first date. When you do this, you send the following strong statement to the world in general and to women specifically: I care about myself and about my life. I am ready to meet a great woman and I have a lot to offer. I expect respect because of the way I look and I also give the people around me just as much respect by the way I come across. I am interested in meeting people and I am putting an effort into being attractive. – this kind of attitude is important for women to see in a man because it shows a spark, a drive, and zest for life, so to speak. On the other hand, if you look sloppy on the outside, the inevitable perception in a woman’s eyes will be that you are sloppy on the inside too, unless you are some kind of celebrity that everyone knows.

Indeed, as a guy, your appearance makes a difference to your interactions with women and in your dating life, because women do care about how you look. I recently met a woman at work who was telling me about her last bad date, who showed in old, dirty sneakers and a torn r-shirt. I was curious if she could articulate why it bothered her so much. Her answer was quite compelling: “It didn’t look like he treated our meeting like a date, or like he cared about the whole experience. If he doesn’t care and it doesn’t seem important to him, why should I?” Obviously, you want to avoid being that guy, and making that kind of impression on a woman.

Generally, a single woman who is interested in meeting men does not want to give the opposite sex the wrong impression, and yet many women post photos on their online dating profile or even social networking sites, such as Facebook, that would not put them in the most positive light. Some of the common photos are the “party” photos where these women are drunk and are posing while being dressed very provocatively along with their equally provocatively dressed girlfriends. While these photos might look sexually appealing to the guys who see them, they are also likely to make them not take you seriously right away and perceive you as a party girl. Unless you want to be perceived as one, there is simply no reason to post photos like that. Almost any other kind of photos is more attractive – a photo of you in the office dressed in a stylish and professional outfit, a photo of you on a trip, a photo of your playing a game or exercising.

Just as important is your facial expression. Even though people routinely make fun of “pouting” or “duck face” photos, finding them annoying and otherwise unattractive, many girls continue posting those photos thinking that they are cute. Look at the two actual photos of the same woman from one of the very popular online dating sites. These photos convey a very different message. The girl has a very attractive face, but you decide for yourself which photo flatters her more, and which photo makes her look lame.

From the earliest years of our lives we exercise that great skill we are given as humans – our ability to learn by observation and imitation. This is how we learn how to walk and how to talk among many other things during our very early childhood. But even as adults,we should take advantage of this incredible ability – to observe others, to decide what we like and what we don’t like so much in other people and apply the attractive qualities to our own behavior while considering whether we have the qualities that we find unattractive in others, and then trying to eliminate them in ourselves.

The skill of learning by observation is particularly useful in the context of becoming a more attractive person and a more attractive dating partner. Watching others is also something that we all do anyway as part of our day-to-day life. We all enjoy people watching and talking to our friends about how we perceive others. This is one of the reasons we go out and socialize. I believe being “analytical” from time to time and asking yourself why some people look more attractive to you than others will also open your eyes at the things that make you special as well as the possible flaws that you haven’t notice in yourself till you saw in others.

We all make quick judgments about the people we see. Many times, after you notice someone for a moment, you may assume all kind of things about that complete stranger: Is he a loser? A winner? Shy? Snobbish? Insecure? Confident? Happy? Down? Excited? Depressed? Well dressed? Trying too hard? Sloppy and apathetic to how he looks? What about that woman – is she too conservative? Promiscuous? Bubbly? Easy going? Down to earth? Classy and elegant? Trashy?

However, we rarely ask yourself the “why” question – what is it specifically that makes us assume any of the above about a person? I suggest that you try doing this from time to time. If you meet someone who you don’t like for whatever reason, ask yourself what specific things that person does that make him/her unattractive. Does he/she talk too much? Do they brag and talk about how wonderful they are? Do they complain? Are they being too loud in a public place which you find to be borderline embarrassing? If you meet someone you find attractive and charismatic on any level (romantic or social), ask yourself the same question: what makes that person make you want to be around him more and enjoy his company? Is he/she interesting and eloquent? Good listener? Well dressed and seem to be put together on the outside and the inside?

Any time you identify a positive or a negative quality that you notice in someone else, be it the way he speaks or behaves or the way he is dressed or is carrying himself, ask yourself whether you possess the qualities you like to see in others, and whether you have some of the flaws that you see in others that you could work in eliminating. This exercise is fun and does not require you to do anything that you are not already doing – being out and people watching. As just one very simple example, when you see a couple of guys out like the ones in the picture below, it should be a reminder to you of what you should not look like if you want to be attractive to the quality members of the opposite sex.

I remember running into my classmate at a restaurant during my second year of graduate school. It was a fairly cold winter evening, but she was wearing a tight tank-top and short white shorts that were leaving very little for imagination. She was quite attractive and in great shape, so I didn’t really complain about being able to see what she was showing. But she did – she was complaining about how annoyed she was that guys would stare at her and would undress her with their eyes.

I couldn’t help but mentally judge her hypocritical attitude – on the one hand, she was doing everything a woman could do to attract the (undesired) sexual attention from the opposite sex from showing way too much skin, when even the weather was not an excuse, and yet on the other hand she was complaining about the same. Her behavior is by far not exceptional. So many women of different ages and walks of life feel compelled to wear extremely revealing clothes and also post borderline porn star pictures on different website, including Facebook and Myspace. From pouting to overly erotic poses at a club while being drunk – women often blindly follow what their friends do, believing that this will make them look “cool” and popular.

However, if this is the (on-line) image you create for yourself, you cannot expect to be taken “seriously” by those men who want to meet a woman that they could take seriously and have a relationship with. I am by no means suggesting that you should cover yourself up at all times, but there has to be subtlety to looking classy – in real life and online. If you want men to notice what’s inside your head, attraction too much attention to your body is the wrong way to go about it. If you do not want to be treated like a piece meat, do not put yours on display.

Some women would feel under-dressed if they don’t look as pretty and as sexy as their friends when they are out. This feeling is largely without merit. If you are an attractive woman, men will see your physical beauty no matter what you wear. But unless you want to be treated like a stripper by men, don’t dress like one.

Being respected by men must start from you respecting yourself – respecting yourself for more than just your physical beauty. This is particularly challenging for those women who are very attractive and who are used to having their physical beauty open all kinds of doors for them throughout their daily life, but it is well worth the effort.

So, the next time you choose an outfit for a particular occasions or you consider posing your photos on a dating site or a social networking site, ask yourself what kind of attention you want and expect to receive in response, and that shall guide in selecting the image that you will portray with your looks.

I keep hearing stories from my friends about how they travel to Europe for just a few weeks and end up falling in love with someone while there, after being single at their hometown for a long time and often – for years. I also hear about how the locals in my town (San Francisco) fall for people who come to the city for a short visit or business. I have also personally experienced having strong feelings toward a woman who was visiting in town on two separate occasions. Reflecting back on my own experience as well as studying the experiences of other people who, I believe there is a strong common pattern and reason as to why people tend to develop strong feelings under the above circumstances that every person can apply to their behavior in order to be more attractive when they meet someone and when they go out on a date. There is one element that clearly distinguishes our behavior when we travel – the things we bring up and talk about when traveling is usually very different from the conversation we have when we go out in our home town and when we deal with locals. When you travel or when you go out with a tourist, you talk about your or his/her impressions of the new place one of you or both of you is seeing. You are having a great time, exchanging impressions about the new great places you see, the sites you admire, the people you meet, the foods you try, etc. You are sharing with each other generally positive experiences that are conducive to creating mutual comfort and romantic environment. Your conversation is usually nowhere near the mundane and somewhat boring subjects the locals would be talking about such as your job, school, paying bills, equity in your house, and recession. This may be very refreshing, and it often comes in strong contrast to your many previous interactions with your local dates, likely to create an emotional connection.

But, you don’t have to travel in order to adopt some of those attractive behaviors. You can incorporate the same behavior into your own interactions with the opposite sex when you go out at your home city. Staying away or at least minimizing the time you spend in the beginning on discussing the mundane, routine subjects such as getting into the specifics about your career goals, and the details of today’s economic and political issues  is a good idea if you want to avoid the “friends zone” and create romantic dynamics between you and the other person.  Of course, no one can expect you to act like a tourist and look around yourself with excitement like you don’t know where you are, but keeping a conversation on a lighter note, with wit and humor is of critical importance of being perceived by your counterpart as a romantic prospect rather than a friend or some kind of business associate.