For years the concept of being a “challenge” in dating has been marketed to both men and women. It has been suggested by different dating advice sources that to be more desirable, you have to be a challenge – to be less available and are otherwise “hard to get.” While there is some degree of truth to that, taking this idea of being a challenge too far might have an opposite effect. Not only will it suggest that you are playing games, which most people with any kind of minimal dating experience are aware of, but you will also likely come across as needy and desperate – desperate to raise your value by resorting to a rather extreme measure of making it look like you are more busy and less available than you really are.
Desperation is an interesting term in the dating context. People often use it in reference to someone who is needy – someone who is eager to date or get into a relationship quickly and/or someone who has low standards and would rather be with just anyone, even someone they don’t really like, than being alone. Obviously, this quality is unattractive and is a major turn-off to both sexes.
However, there is another kind of desperation, which I believe is even more unattractive and damaging to a person’s dating and romantic life – it is when you are not doing the things you want and when you don’t show your romantic interest in another person simply because you are afraid of being perceived as desperate or interested. There are so many examples to this kind of desperation. A high school student is afraid to sit in class next to a girl that he likes because he is afraid that she and others will know that he likes her. The girl is afraid to make an eye contact with a guy at a bookstore because she doesn’t want him to know that she finds him attractive. A guy is not asking a girl out who has rejected him before, even though it’s clear to him that she changed her mind about him, because he is concerned that she will think of him as desperate. A woman texts or e-mails the guy she met instead of calling him because she doesn’t want to be too “forward” and be perceived as too interested.
The above situations mostly happen because people are somehow embarrassed of their romantic interest instead of being proud of it, and also because the idea of being a challenge when it comes to dating has been marketed to both men and women through just about every media source, from dating books to movies. The same people act as if it was some kind of crime to approach and start a conversation, to make an eye contact with that stranger who is looking at them, or to sit next to someone in class, a restaurant or a bar. Your interest in anyone, when expressed in a confident and respectful fashion, is a compliment to that person regardless of how he/she feels about you, and if they can’t recognize and respect that, be it accepting your advances or gracefully rejecting you, it’s their problem and not yours.
You have been given the drive and the ability to want to be with a few specific people in this world for very particular and pre-determined reasons. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It would be a much greater problem if you weren’t attracted to anyone. You should not allow those who don’t quite know how to handle that power to either discount or discourage it in you by their negative reaction toward you. You are never desperate when you do what you want – when you take charge of your life and show initiative in your romantic interactions with other people.
Who do you think will get the job sooner – an applicant who sends in a resume, follows up by phone, and sends a thank-you letter after the interview, without being concerned about being too pushy, or another applicant who sends in his resume, and sits back waiting for the potential employer to pick his resume out of the hundred received and contact. Although comparing dating to looking for a job is not a perfect analogy, the point I am trying to make is that being passive when it comes to meeting people and dating is often as fruitless as being passive in job search. Although a different kind of enthusiasm is required in dating, the bottom line is this: taking action and taking your own dating life into your own hands – be it showing interest the right way at the right time, or making it clear to the other person that you want to spend more time with them – is the way to go about improving your romantic life, and it’s not the same as being needy or desperate.
Great article. Dont get discouraged through a mannerless rejection. Nobody needs to be ashamed to approach somebody. It is completly normal to desire the other sex and when a girl or a guy has a problem with it then he or her had a wrong education. Remember when you approach or flirt with somebody you are doing something good to the other person and when you get a stupid reaction it is really not your fault. Moreover you can recognize very early that you should better stay away from this person. If somebody has a problem to flirt with you or approaching, you can be sure that a relationsship would be a horror.
I think this is quite true and have witnessed it firsthand with other people as well. I believe the reason behind this, as you said, is the fright of being rejected, too needy or revealing that they have attraction towards that individual. Well written article Arkady! Keep it up!.
Adrian
Great article. I believe that we have intuitive instincts for a reason-however-our culture often advises us against them. I think that the examples in your article clearly speak to that issue. (It can go the other way too, when people ignore the ‘warning signs’ that they are getting-and forge ahead anyway with negative results.
Thanks!
i disagree with all my respect when you said about student afraid to do a move on girl in class.its not shame if others find out but its a shame after those people start telling things to the girl that makes her change her opinion about a guy and she actually does.The others will ruin it because they will go to the girl telling her that your in love with her and takes all the romance away.It happened to me twice at highschool.I dont know in college but in highschool its better to keep things secret.
I understand, but this would only be a shame if the guy allows it to be. So what if the others go and tell the girl all that? I realize it’s hard to have that much confidence that early on, and it might be too much to expect from someone as young as a high school student not to let it get to him. It of course also depends on the high school and how much “drama” there is in the environment you are in.
This happened to me recently with a girl in an adult evening class. I was ashamed of approaching her, but then my issues are somewhat different. My parents were repressed about sex, and they never treated relationships as a normal subject. The problem with people seeing me pursuing a woman in a class is that I am then perceived as a sexual being – the very irrational shame I have. For me this and the shame of rejection are completely different.
It’s interesting that woman can view guys as “creepy” if guys approach them in public, but that it is apparently socially acceptable to approach people in class, maybe even if they do not want us sitting at the same table as them. Or is it just me. Is there anything wrong with sitting at the same table as someone you do not know in class just to get to know them?
Great advice as usual.
I don’t approach women the second time who have turned me down for the folowing reason:
If they so misjudged my value before, how can I trust their opinion on really important things?
Hi, Walter. Interesting approach, but… perhaps it’s a good idea to give a woman a break. There are different reasons why a woman might not be interested – from being in a wrong place at the wrong time, to having recently break up with someone and many other reasons. I am not sure if we can assume a whole lot about a woman’s judgment in other things just based on that alone…
Thank you for writing this article. It really resonates! A lot of times (in my life) I have falling prey to this type of desperation. Consequently it has robbed me of a lot of opportunities for potential happiness and to have a more fulfilling life. I never looked at desperation in that way. It is truly a unique perspective. After reading this article I now have the permission to go after what I really want without apologizing.
Spent the last 2 years trying to get to grips with my ex leaving me for someone else 2 weeks after a big engagement party. Trust and confidence are totally shot after that as it really did come out of the blue. I really want to get out of having a negative mindset, but the trouble is I’ve never been into dating casually, even less so now, so when I approach a girl I like, I’m aware of trying to mask this and I feel the weight of both loss and expectation.
I need your help. Question: how often should I hang out with a girl, and how much time should we spend together. And she is very shy and silent… I also said the first time I met her, I said that I like silence. She’s asked me if I want to be with her and go for a walk and we meet. Today I did something unusual. I sat beside her and asked how she is doing. Afterwards in the “Lunch“, me and her had planned to play cards. That went well and we talked a little bit. I won 2 times and I don’t know how that is for her but whatever… I hope this is interesting for you guys AND girls. I need your advice. I asked if I could hold her hand and we did. We were sitting and having eye contact constantly and I asked after I held her hand across the table, if I could kiss her hand. That was ok.
I’ve might done some stupid things like complimenting her the wrong way… I have said to her that she is the most beautiful girl in the world and that she is not like other girls. I have also said she is naturally pretty. But, is complimenting a kind of seducement or something? It doesn’t make me feel better unless she find it a good compliment and her pupils get larger and they didn’t. She’s even asked me if I want to be together with her, and I said **yes, I’m very interested**. We’ve met each other more than 3 times and I have said that we need more time to get to know each other. And she said the same. I’ve held her hand last time, and we talk calmly and silently. I’m not that kind of guy who is very sarcastic, but I am kind. And girls don’t like kind guys? What is it with this *kind* thing?! God, help me please. Do we need the three S’s? Self-confident, sense of humour, and self-control.
I need to know when to take the initiative. I take a lot of initiative. She does that aswell. I’m only 17 years old and I’ve met this naturally pretty girl on school. I said: I’m glad we meet each other. She said the same, and she agreed. I ask her questions like: Do you like when I hold your hand? Did you like when I complimented you? Don’t be scared. And she said: I don’t have a reason to be scared. First impression was good. A friend of mine said that she said she liked me. This is the first time I meet a girl I like and want to be together or still good *friends*. Time has not come that I can say we are together… Or how is this working? I have no idea.
To Andy101: I do have a problem to flirt myself. I have a relationship going on and I’m not going to stop because I’m a bad flirter. It depends on what you mean with flirting. You don’t need to flirt all the time either. Just spend time together and have fun. Desperation is hard to explain. Just don’t jump away when you see that girl you like. I did that the first time I saw that girl which is now my girlfriend.
It’s very very easy. If you want to get to know with a girl you don’t have the guts to approach, then I can tell you what I did. You only need to say hello and keep saying it. When you have the chance to see her you don’t want to be arrogant.
I was so afraid every time I saw her. I made shortcuts every time I saw her. I jumped to find a place to hide away from her. Now I want you to understand that first impression is the start of saying hello. It’s VERY easy. Believe me. Many other friends of mine did say to her that I liked her. That didn’t ruin it. You can’t trust anybody, I didn’t expect that my friends said that I liked her because I thought they would not say it.
Don’t think that you can get away with a secret. You will be visible when you spend time together. I wanted to keep this secret myself and you can’t get away with it. I didn’t have anything to hide.
You need to take your time in a relationship. Don’t say something like: I love you. She won’t say the same automatically. Only you. Wait till she says it. This is desperation on my side.
It’s not true about nice guys. Nice guys can be mean aswell. When you agree with all she says it’s like talking to a wall. Nice guys?! It depends on what kind of person you are. Don’t think that being a bad boy makes you a better man. Just be yourself.
It’s not a bad idea to sit beside a girl. You’re not a sexual being, Mike. You’re just a normal person just like the girl. Don’t be scared, she will get used to it. I sit beside my girlfriend at school and we even play cards together. Sooner or later she will feel more comfortable about you. But it’s just a start.
Giving a woman a break is also a good plan when in a relationship. I totally agree. Girls need some time alone sometimes.
This is a great article. Two months ago I met this guy who I felt I had an amazing connection with. I initially sent him a few text messages but he only responded to one. His phone was flat and I took his number. Anyhow, this man is still in my headspace. I’ve decided to give him a phone call and try one last time. I’m petrified but not acting on it one last time also makes me feel sick. He was really striking & not an average man. He also has come out of a 10 year relationship recently. I’ve developed a bad habit of not calling a guy & hiding under a SMS or email. I wish I had called him first time around. Talking is the better form of communication. I’ve been gutless for so long.