Have you ever seen a single guy Hoverer in your social circle? You’re an assertive, confident woman. You can exchange good eye contact, you know how to put your solid flirting skills in play, and yet, time after time, this guy continues to…well, hover. He doesn’t ask you out. He’ll let you sip his drink but won’t buy one for you. He may respond to you with interest and subtle flirtation, but he never makes a direct move beyond just showing up where he can be seen. But he is clearly attracted to your buzz. So why is he just standing around? Is he eavesdropping, shy, insecure, or is he under the influence of the common dating advice that prescribes men to be a “challenge” – to act less available and less interested than they really are in an attempt to come across as more cool and more attractive?
Or, he may be confusing you for a Wonder Woman, and he’s counting on you to get things going. But what if he’s got you dead wrong? What if you come across like a Wonder Woman, but deep down, your feminine core wants to be courted and this whole idea of being a challenge doesn’t and never worked on you?
When should a guy approach instead of just hovering? How can a man identify/distinguish one type of woman, who likes guys to play games and be a “challenge” from another, more receptive woman? From a woman’s perspective (more complicated, perhaps), why is a Hoverer likely to miss great opportunities?
More than once, I’ve been mystified and frustrated by the Hoverer’s passive “challenge” technique and felt subtly pushed to submerge my natural desire to have a man give me something delicious to which I could respond. But since I’m a former member of the Wonder Woman Club and know how I became one, I would love to shed some light on this dating dynamic.
Feminine to the core, oozing erotic radiance from an early age, what I needed in a father was a man who would create a safe, loving structure in which that feminine energy was cherished. My father failed to do this. He was a ‘feminine core’ male, a musician, and a creative soul who never should have married and had a family. He simply wasn’t meant for that kind of responsibility. To his credit, I never went hungry, always had a roof over my head and clean new clothing, but he had nothing more to give and he resented giving even these basics.
A playful, funny and charming man, nevertheless my father could also be strict, cold and rigid – qualities I didn’t want in an intimate relationship. I like being around warm, emotionally expressive men. As a young woman, I gravitated to fathers of friends who were very masculine, good at structure, and who enjoyed being in the competitive fray professionally. I modeled myself after these men, so I would know how to create the safe, loving structure I need to live in.
I eventually married a musician (feminine core/feeling/intuitive) but in time became furious when I realized I was with a man like my father, unprepared to be a husband and partner in life, a man who couldn’t generate energetic structure or a clear vision of a life frame and the drive to implement both. Within a few years, I had become a classic – an angry, demanding bitch. I eventually pushed my husband into having a sense of personal direction (male energy). Before then, he was happy to have me take care of all the ‘man’ stuff, completely overlooking the fact that I had no desire or natural inclination to do so. But somebody had to have a handle on the direction of our lives, right? We eventually reached the point of no return where my husband was emotionally left behind by a wife who proved to be more of a man than he was.
Years of frustration and misery, all because we didn’t recognize the fundamental importance of our core energies from the beginning of our relationship!
The self-made woman may find herself stranded on the surface of this cycle in her dating life. If she’s successful in an intense, very aggressive, competitive, mostly male working environment and is amply rewarded with money and big toys, without noticing it, she may become ‘male’ in her outer presentation while having a feminine core that longs for a man to court her and commit to her. Men she finds attractive may relate to her as an Alpha; they roll over, exposing their soft side and/or marital troubles, enjoy having great sex with her, but they don’t worry about committing to her. Since she’s so ‘male’, why would she need/want that? Get it? She’s just like another guy, right?
I would venture to posit that a significant percentage of women who end up as Wonder Women didn’t have this goal in mind and may have been repeatedly disappointed by men who could not or would not step up to the plate as worldly-wise warriors. These women are frustrated with having to be the man in their lives, and there is no place for her feminine to relax – except with other women. If you are a woman with a radiant, feminine core this is not completely satisfying, no matter how fantastic your women friends may be.
A woman who can’t get what she needs from a man who claims to love her will become the man she needs to feel whole in her life. This dynamic isn’t sexist. Men who don’t get what they need from their first feminine influence may become so feminine energy starved, that, biologically engineered or not, they morph toward the women/feminine energy they need to feel a sense of internal balance. They will not need a woman in their lives unless she’s going to make the pants and wear them.
Before you, strong women out there, get your hussy on, ready to roast me, rest assured that I’m a feminist on principles of reproductive rights, equal pay for equal work, and am the first one to support breaking through glass ceiling – professionally. And, I adore men who are not afraid to be strong, directed, masculine, and can express these qualities without being…well – hovering. Indeed, I still believe in gender roles, and I am convinced that these very gender roles are an essential glue of a healthy, romantic relationship and a strong family. Thus, I find the idea of being a challenge when it comes to approach women and making a move to be feminine and thus repugnant to me in its core.
If you’re woman with a feminine core, pass the Hoverer by or put him in your friends zone. Don’t make the first move by asking him out, chasing him, or initiating sex no matter how tempting he may seem! You’ll never get a break from being in charge. Don’t reward the “challenge” game. Punish it!
If you are a Hoverer who thinks that being a “challenge” is cool and it makes you more attractive and desirable to the women you are interested in dating and having relationships with, ask yourself: what are you likely to gain from that behavior? What kind of woman really turns you on sexually and emotionally?
If you’re interested in a woman who will be happy for you to be in charge (not controlling) more than half the time, make the move, take the risk, set up some one on one time and ask the questions that will help you distinguish between a Wonder Woman and a Wonderful Woman. Forget all that challenge bs and go for it.
If you do the asking and she says yes, and her energy is warm and welcoming, that’s an indicator! If she makes a competitive remark instead, like: “You’re cute, but I wonder if you can keep up.” This is great information, too, so take it to heart.
So, here’s a little bit of insight from a former Wonder Woman. I hope it helps you make better moves in your dating/mating dance! By Anaiis Salles, firstname.lastname@example.org , Taftsville, Vermont, for practicalhappiness.com