A reader writes:
I am a 35 years old Asian male living in Southern California. My height is 5 feet 4 inches tall, weight 125 lbs. I had only one girl friend in my life and that ended about 6 years ago. We were together for 2 years before we broke up. I am constantly looking for a relationship but has failed every time since then.
I think my height and body type are my serious problems which turn women off. With my height I really don’t have many options of finding and dating women that I like. What I have found out is that even petite women would only want to date men that are a lot bigger and taller than they are.
Well, let me just tell you about my recent heartbroken experience. I am a physician who has two medical offices in the area. Three years ago I have hired a girl name Diana as my assistant, and I was instantly attracted to her from the start. She had a boyfriend, so I kept my feelings to myself. But as we got to know each other better we become very close friends, talking on the phone almost every night after work. I had asked her out twice before, we went out to movie/dinner dates…. and things went ok… but I stopped asking her out later because I felt guilty for trying to steal some other guy’s girl. I was brought up with the belief that it is unethical to pursue a girl who already has a stable relationship.
I can’t help but feeling attracted to her, and seeing her everyday at work makes the situation worse. I know she had some interest level initially, but I can see it fading away as times goes on. My mentality at that time was that I should wait until she ended her relationship with her boyfriend before I started revealing my feelings to her. Of course I continue to act like a wussie by being too nice to her during all these times …. buying gifts during holidays… letting her getting off work early… stuff like that, and I think I killed her respect for me.
So three years had passed. Recently she broke up with her boyfriend….. but the reason for breaking up with him was the fact that her boyfriend had found out that she had slept with one of my patients. It was shocking news to me, and I still couldn’t accept the reality. This guy has been my patient for the last 6 months. That guy is like 40 something, overweight, ugly with severe acne and talking like he has down syndrome…. he is the type that I never thought she would have fallen for, but I guess impossible things always happen in life. I was told that he has some money but he is married and has a kid, and I don’t understand why she would choose this guy. To make the long story short, she had left my office since last month and she is currently living with this guy as a mistress, I guess.
Anyway, my problems are the following,
1) I am a very boring person and I think I bored the girls most of the time when I am dating them. Most of the time I just take them out to dinner and movies and as time goes on their interest levels always drops.
2) When I find out why I was rejected by girls, the common reason is my height. Like girls would tell their friends that I am too short for them, cannot feel being protected around me because of my small statue. Does that mean that I should just drop my standard and start going for those women who have below average looks?
3) I still have strong feelings toward the first girl…. thinking about her every day. So how can i forget about her and move on??
Indeed, nature has its ways and yet – women, as a rule, do prefer taller guys. This is not to say, however, that you have no opportunity to meet great women. There are plenty of women of your height or shorter. And at your age, which is the best age to meet those women who are already pass the “sorority” stage and are interesting in “quality” men. I know this can be in scarcity in LA but they are out there – so please do yourself a huge favor and don’t blame everything on your height. Excuses won’t make your dating life better.
It’s very important that you don’t bring the height issue up – ever, unless you make fun of yourself in a confident, self-deprecating manner once in a while that will show a woman that you don’t care about your height. This is what you have and you are thankful to life/god for what you have received.
Obviously, you are not going to sweep a woman of your feet by your striking looks at a bar/club, so you must seek out other avenues of meeting women. But hey, the fact that that ugly guy hooked up with your employee is a real proof that you can get around your looks and learn how to be attractive to women.
If you are a doctor, you must, must, must become more active in your professional circle. Specifically, commit to not missing any seminar, volunteer opportunity and networking events. Just make a rule to yourself to never miss any event that you are able to attend and include in your schedule. Don’t worry about the immediate reward of meeting a girl right then and there. This might not happen, but it is much more likely that you meet someone there who knows someone single and of quality that you will hit it off with.
Commit to not missing ANY house parties – ever! See, if you were to go to a bar and were surrounded by 1000 girls, you are likely to not meet any of them by the end of the night. However, at a house party – even if there is only one or two or three girls, you don’t have a choice – you have to meet them as a matter of politeness and courtesy while being in the same room with them.
It sounds to me that the only reason you obsess over her is because – consciously or unconsciously – you feel that you don’t have other options, and that she is your only chance as far as women go. You might feel like you are not going to meet anyone else for a very, very long time. This will not help your situation and will not improve that attitude. At this point, you should focus on gaining the skill of meeting and attracting women and not so much on that particular girl. You might think that 36 is too late to learn, but it’s not. If you commit to handling this issue, you will see results sooner than you think. As they say, you are going to turn 40, 50 and 60 one way or the other. The question is whether you will be different and better/more attractive as a man at that stage. It’s all in your hands now.
Not Being Boring/Being Interesting
This is the most important part if you are serious about improving your dating life – how to become more interesting. In your specific situation – this is crucial. Being a doctor – (a) the expectations from you are high; and (b) your potential ability to handle this issue and become a more interesting guy is also high.
Becoming interesting is a skill – it involves being more interesting and knowing how to express it and demonstrate it the right way. I don’t think there is a better way to learn that than through actual examples.
I suggest you download my free 16-min program “Powerful Personality” – it contains some great examples that will inspire you to learn how to become interesting. Being interesting means being funny, having lots of opinions on different issues and knowing when and how to be sarcastic and witty. It all can be learned. There is no way around it – in order to become more interesting – you have to lead a more involved, interesting lifestyle with more experience, more thoughts, exposure to different people, movies, shows, books, and alike.
Also, my audio program “Powerful Conversation” and “Powerful First Date” would be of great value to you.
I truly believe that using my site will make a huge difference to your dating life. You should read all the articles, watch all my videos and join our dating advice forum to share your dating experiences and ask questions. There is nothing better than getting feedback and support from other guys who can relate to your challenges and who have similar goals when it comes to becoming more attractive and improving their dating life. This will put you on the right track to meeting more women, doing better on dates, and just as importantly – avoiding many common mistakes that sabotage many men’s dating lives out there.
And remember, just like any other skill worth having, such as learning a foreign language, learning how to play a musical instrument, getting M.D. degree, etc… becoming better at dating is a gradual process. No tip or trick will change things overnight, but a little bit of persistence and work will go a long way.
Follow up questions:
So if a girl shows no interest in you but she is not married yet, should you continue to pursue her and continue to treat her nicely hoping that she would change her mind one day??? Or is this a silly thought??? Does persistence ever work in dating life??
What about liking a girl with a boyfriend? Do you just stick around and just be friend with the girl and hoping one day you would have a chance with her??
What about dating a girl who is much younger than you, let say 15 years younger? What are your thoughts on this issue?
Response from PracticalHappiness.com:
Whether it’s worth pursuing a girl who is in a relationship is a very subjective matter. From my experience and extensive observations, however, usually it is not worth the effort. Generally, the more persistent you are with a girl who is not interest, the less attractive you will be to her.
Of course, if her relationship is going downhill, she is unhappy, and the only reason she is with that guy is because she prefers that over being alone, things could be different, but… if the girl is in a happy relationship, your energy is much better spent on pursuing other women who are single and available.