The Quality of Your Dating Life is Not All in Your Hands

quality-dating-lifeOne of the most valuable qualities that we have is our ability to reflect on our actions, observe our own behavior, get feedback and constructive criticism from our friends, co-workers and others, correct our actions and behavior so that we improve our relationships with the opposite sex. Looking to change our behavior by, for example, becoming less jealous and controlling, instead of blaming others for not being the way we want them to be is a very useful quality in all aspects of life, including dating, because, as obvious as it might sound, we can only change and adjust ourselves, and we have very little control over the behavior of those who we want to date.

However, sometimes, pointing fingers only at yourself and blaming only yourself for your dating problems is a bad path to follow. You simply cannot blame yourself for every single issue that arises between you and your dating partners, because sometimes it’s just not your fault; it might be your partner’s fault, or it’s no one’s fault and the two of you are simply incompatible.

Keep in mind one apparent but crucially important fact – the people who you go out with and interact with on a romantic level are humans as well. They are as imperfect as you are, no matter how wonderful you think they are.  As such, what happens between the two of you depends on that other person’s behavior, emotions and impulses just as much as it depends on you.

Typically, a guy who goes out on several first dates that don’t necessarily work out very well will be blaming himself for these failures. While re-evaluating your own behavior is a valuable tool in such situations, he must also consider the kind of women he went out with and their behavior. Did all of them have anything in common that would suggest that they all belong to a category of women that are simply wrong for him? If so, this should be a lesson about which women you should considering not going out with and focusing your emotions and energy on the other kinds women. Just because a girl isn’t laughing at your jokes, doesn’t mean that they are not funny (although that’s possible of course). It’s also a possibility that she isn’t clever and witty enough to appreciate your humor, or she is too uptight to be able to laugh at certain things, and therefore you simply do not belong together.

Similarly, a woman who has been cheated on by several guys, while becoming progressively more bitter and frustrated with men, might start blaming herself for having guys cheat on her over and over and will start considering herself a loser who will never meet the right guy. While it’s possible that there is something about her that turns men off and away and pushes them to cheating, it’s also possible that she meets the kind of guys who are naturally driven toward novelty and variety when it comes to meeting women and sex and they are simply not in a relationship mode. And the fact is that the majority of guys, especially the younger ones, belong to that exact category. Thus, cheating is often nothing personal against you but a biological force that pushes many men from being with one woman to another regardless of how incredibly attractive, interesting and otherwise desirable any one of those women is.

Therefore, make sure that while considering your own behavior and engaging in the invaluable activity of self-improvement in dating and relationships, you are also not putting your own self-esteem on the line, and you rationally consider and evaluate the behavior and actions of your dating partners in each situation before deciding who is at fault for any given problem.

Comments

  1. says

    Indeed. Even Seneca talked about the fact that it's absolutely pointless to worry about the things that are not in our control. Once you are truly able to take it out of the equation, you remove a lot of anxiety and stress out of life. Any of us can get laid off, cheated on or be diagnosed terminal diseases at any moment, so it's pointless to worry about it. Instead, we should focus on doing our best on improving the aspects of life where we can actually make a difference.

  2. Patrick says

    Such a great point that applies to so many other aspects of life. We spend so much time pointing fingers and coming up with excuses, forgetting that it really doesn't help and doesn't change the end result.

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