Dec 10 2006
Should you discuss with a woman you are seeing your dating goals early on?
It’s not hard to think of examples when stating one’s dating goals too early would be a major turn-off to both – men and women. Telling a woman what you are ultimately looking for is generally a good idea as it brings clarity into your interaction with the opposite sex, but discussing who and when you want to settle with and what names you should give to your children certainly should not be done on your first few dates or at the early stages of your dating a certain woman.
The reality is that we can’t help but read more into things than what these things literally say, and we tend to respond to the words we hear not only logically, but also emotionally. There are words and then there is a perception of those words which is likely to be quite different from what was intended. Imagine you are on your first date with a woman, and out of the blue she says: “I am looking to settle down as soon as possible.” Even if you are looking for the same thing, hearing this so early on is likely to raise certain red flags in your mind. “Why is she talking about this so early? Is she desperate? Will she want me to marry her in a month? Will she be needy, controlling and possessive? Why is she in such a hurry to settle?” Those thoughts naturally run into many men’s minds in such situations. Guess what, women might be accusing guys of having fear of commitment, but many women respond exactly the same way to the signs of desperation or excessive eagerness in a guy. A woman who is looking to settle does not want to talk about this with a guy before she feels comfortable with him and before she feels that she can trust him, and this naturally takes time to develop.
So, regardless of what you are looking for in your interactions with women, avoid discussing or defining your goals or your relationship premature. Allow it to develop first into what it is meant to develop, and then – once the situation is “ripe” – have an open and honest conversation about it.
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