A reader asks:
The fear of friend zone really messes with our minds. I was on a date recently with a girl who is very shy and introverted, although very cute. The desire to avoid the friend zone constantly pushed me to look for ways to escalate whenever possible, because I have been thrown into a friends zone so many times before, that this has almost turned into some kind of phobia. She is a musician, so I asked her to show how she can take big chords, and put my palm next to hers to see how we compare. When we were saying our byes in the parking lot, I said, “oh, hey, we should get a secret handshake” – I do it often in order to create a feeling of something secret that we share and to escalate touch. This reaaaaaly didn’t fly with her – not because of the touch, but perhaps because it seemed kind of artificial and out of place. She told me earlier about how she never liked things like circuses, amusement parks and other locations where you are sort of “forced” to have fun. When I tried to play the question game with her during lunch, she again suggested that it again sounds like “forced fun”, so she suggested let’s just simply keep talking. In retrospect, maybe doing a secret handshake wasn’t such a good idea with this particular person, although it usually makes other girls smile and maybe creates a bit of sexual tension. The other reason this girl may have felt uncomfortable with this is that she already knows me also as an introverted guy, and this kind of playful exercise may have seemed incongruent to her. And when girls feel incongruence, they smell something fishy, and run away.
I will share my conclusion and then ask a question. The conclusion is that the idea of escalating with women is probably more applicable to some situations, and should be more tempered in others. When someone already knows you a bit, escalation may run you a risk of coming off as incongruent. On the other hand, if the situation is more similar to a pick-up, where its all in “good fun”, escalation is probably more appropriate.
How then, to reconcile the idea of avoiding the friend zone and creating comfort and trust, especially with a girl who really needs to feel comfy, due to being shy, introverted or neurotic.
PH answers:
First, you are absolutely correct – like with everything else, escalation doesn’t work on every girl in every situation, not to mention that there are so many different kinds of escalation, so you really have to evaluate every interaction and every girl individually. Trying to “escalate” with the girl who already got to know you and has been out with you few times, even as friends, is going to create a weird vibe between the two of you due to your sudden change in behavior for no apparent reason. There is no need to do that. If she is going out with you after having gotten to know you, this means that she likes you at least somewhat, so you don’t need to follow any kind of escalation guidelines and you should just do what makes sense at that moment in your interaction.
Secondly, the worst thing you can do is to make it look like you are following some kind of dating or “game” textbook. I have seen guys try to do palm reading, handshakes, kino, etc… The moment it looks like you are following a manual, it’s over. No one wants to be a subject of an experiment. Don’t kid yourself – besides having great intuition, girls read the same books about dating, pick-up, PUA’s and how to avoid them, etc… They know about the “Game” and the “Rules” because on average they read so many more dating advice books and magazines that the guys. This is why it’s important, especially today, not to act like you are following one of those guides, not to lose sight of common sense, and not to forget that the person you are dealing with is a human being first and foremost. She wants a NORMAL interaction. This doesn’t mean it has to be boring or stiff, but it can’t be scripted. And scripts, again, are more obvious to women than some of us think they are. So, back to your incident – suggesting a secret handshake to a girl is a serious nerd alert to a girl. Secret handshakes are to be used in kinder garden through elementary school, but not later. You have to be able to think of a more mature way to escalate and show your romantic interest.
With regard to avoiding the friends zone – I think like any other behavior, whenĀ making a move on a girl is governed by fear of screwing up, it’sĀ not going to go well. I say you should put that concern completely aside, andĀ justĀ don’t worry about it. Physical escalation right away is not necessary to avoid the so dreaded friends zone. The important part is to first come across as a guy who is interesting and funny. And once that’s established, you can escalate in different subtle but meaningful ways. Sometimes it may take a few hours before you can and should escalate, and sometimes it takes as long a few dates. It really depends on the girl and the nature of your interaction with her.
