Every now and then I meet a guy or a woman who says that they are ready to give up on dating and relationships, and that it’s simply not worth the effort. Ironically, this happens more to the more attractive women than anyone else, and the reason is usually the same – multiple, disappointing relationships that lead to emotional trauma and eventually frustration with dating in general. Because the very attractive women get more attention from men, are asked out more often and end up dating different guys more often, they also have more negative experiences with men. Surely, if you lost someone you were really in love with, even one break up can feel like life has betrayed you and there is no point in trying to meet someone special again, as it will lead to terrible pain again.

It is particularly easy to get discouraged if you are being dumped time after time, and you are feeling like you are wasting time when you invest effort and emotion into people time after time, but it does not lead to a committed relationship. However, it is critical that you do not give to your negative past and don’t become a victim of your previous dating disappointments. First, “giving up” is move that’s not productive. It’s not going to make your life better. You might tell others and yourself that you have given up, but let’s be honest: as long as we are alive and healthy and vital enough to think and want love, romance and sex, we can never give up. Giving up is nothing but a self defense mechanism against continuing to date and hope for better and an attempt to justify not taking action to improve your dating life and relationships.

One of the most important things that a person can do to deal with or avoid that mindset of being ready to give up is not expecting love and romance to come to easy into their lives. For many people it takes many relationship and many years to find “the one”, and not everyone finds it obviously. It’s important to recognize that the probability of meeting someone very special to you, to whom you also might turn out to be special is pretty low. It’s not a bad thing or a good  thing  – it’s just a normal part of life. The fact that some people turned out to marry their first and only or a highschool sweetheart is wonderful, but you can’t measure yourself that way and compare yourself to them. They are not the rule but the exception – a rare exception. Everyone has their own path, their own circumstances, their own goals and preferences  when it comes to dating and relationships.

The next element of preventing this feeling of frustration is learning how to enjoy the process of dating without being attached to the outcome. You enjoy every date you go out on as a learning experience at the very least, and if things don’t work out, that’s totally fine and it gives you an opportunity for more interesting encounters in the future. One reaosn people get tired of dating is because they go out on too many dates with too many different people, which becomes exhausting – it becomes like a second job. If that’s the case, the only natural solution is taking a break from dating. A month off seeing people will do the trick in most cases and will resent you mind and your “dating clock” allowing you to again be excited about going out rather than feel like you are on a mission.

When you go  to the shoe store, even the most high-end shoe store, you might spend an hour or longer trying different shoes, and out of thirty pairs, you might only like one pair, or even none. You are tired of trying different shoes that don’t fit or don’t look right to you, but you also enjoyed the experience of going through different shoes, seeing what’s out there, and eventually finding the right pair. I realize that dating and shoe shopping are not the same, but there are similarities, and if you can look at dating at least a little bit more like shoe shopping and try to enjoy the process of learning more about other people and also about yourself – what you like, what you don’t like, what turns you on and what annoys you in people, etc., you are much more likely to not be frustrated with dating and to not think of giving up. After all, when you give you – you give up on yourself only, and it’s hardly ever worth doing.

One of the things about meeting someone who you find attractive and who you are intersted in, which can be both exciting and frustrating, is trying to figure out whether that other person is interested in you or is he/she just being friendly. Since generally, men are more direct and women are more subtle in the way they express their interest, this issue is much more relevant to men who are trying to figure out whether a certain woman is interested in them. While there might not be magic, error-proof way to determine early on whether a certain girl is interested in you, there are a few things you should keep in mind that will help you determine that:

Different women show their interest in men differently. Just because one woman is being very outgoing with you, very touchy and very flirtatious, doesn’t necessariliy mean that she is interested in going out with you or dating you, although that’s certainly a possibility. It’s also possible that the woman is being naturally friendly and naturally flirtatious and that’s how she is in general with men (or with women too). It’s possible that she enjoy the attention and she loves seeing how she makes guys want her.  One of the best ways to find out if hse belongs to that category is to see how she interacts with other men. If she has twenty male friends and she flirts with all of them, chances are that her flirting doesn’t really mean anything one way or another.

On the other hand, just because a woman you met is being quiet or is not very talkative, doesn’t mean that she is not interested in you. I know from personal experience some of the quiet women I have met in the past told me later how much they liked me when they met me and the reason that they weren’t very talkative was because they were shy and also because they didn’t think that talking too much was a good idea on their part (don’t you wish more women learned how not to talk too much…). Many women who seem to be quiet and reserved in the beginning of your interaction with them, are anything but quiet a little later, when they get used to you and warm up toward you. Also, it often takes a woman a while before she herself knows whether she is interested in a guy, so it’s worth giving her and yourself some time before you determine whether the interest and the attraction are mutual. Just because the girl is not crazy about you from the first few moments she met you, doesn’t mean that she can’t develop an equally strong or ever stronger interest in you later, at her own pace.

Ironically, when a woman shows too much interest too early, it doesn’t necessarily mean that her interest is genuine or will be long lasting. Both men and women who rush with their feelings and emotions toward someone are often equally likely to lose these feelings and change their mind. This is the reason why guys often face this situation where the girl they met or went out with was totally into them to only have disappeared shortly after and not return their calls. In other words, as they say – if something seems to be too good to be true, it probably is.

Often, the only way to find out if a certain girl is interested in you, if it’s not clear from her behavior, is by taking a risk and making a gentle move forward – getting to a woman a little closer physically and seeing how she responds to your mild, casual touch on her hand, shoulders, knee, etc… and see whether these advances are welcome.

As a woman, I love romance comedy films. They are funny, witty, and oh, so sinfully delightful to watch; makes me feel all warm and gooey inside to watch the socially awkward underdog heroine finally get the man she deserves.  As a single woman, I hate these movies. They remind me that I am not a heroine, and my social awkwardness repels men more than it attracts. Most of all, I get angry that all men aren’t as funny, sensitive, and neurotic like John Cusak, the male lead in many hit romance films.  At the end of a chick flick, I want to throw my tub of buttery popcorn at the movie screen, stomp out of the theater, and swing by the grocery store to buy a huge vat of Mocha Almond Fudge ice cream to wallow in from the privacy of my own home.

The chances of real love flourishing are at risk of being ruined because women (like me) gush over Harlequin novels and idolize sappy movies like “Serendipity” or “The Notebook”. Over the years, I’ve come to realize that romance movies and books are my dating downfall. I, like most women, want what the silver screen has to offer when it comes to romance;  I want my own Mr./Mark Darcy who will love me like Ms.Elizabeth Bennett/ Bridget Jones. When that doesn’t happen, I blame the man and not my inability to check out of the Hollywood story.

How can a real man live up to “The Dream” that Hollywood has woven into all women’s minds? The problem isn’t the men, but the women who believe they deserve the fairytale fantasy, the happily ever after. It really is no wonder so many women feel disenchanted, jaded, and bitter about dating. All their lives they’ve eaten upromance novels written by trained professionals in the art of weaving amazinglove stories. The whole Edward/Bella story is a perfect example of the type of love women think they want. (I admit I do, and I hate that I do.)

I can’t even imagine the pressure a man has to endure trying to date women starry-eyed about finding a love that only exists on film. These are the very same women who get upset at men for gawking at celebrities and movie stars. They cry foul when they are compared to swimsuit models on popular men’s magazines. But, god forbid, someone try to tell them that they are wrong for objectifying a male movie star. Stand back and get ready for a stern talking to if you tell them that love like that on TV and in movies isn’t real.

Trying to live a dating life full of drama, passion and intrigue like in movies and in romance novels blinds you from seeing the actual moments you have with a man.  You are going to miss many a time when a man actually does something romantic, albeit a little subtle and less obviously charming for your taste or Hollywood standards, but before you know it, the moment will have passed, and so did the guy.

To my sisterhood of chick flick movie ticket holders, romantic DVD owners, and romance novel bookworms: We all need to stop trying to gauge all the relationships we have been in, are in, and would like to be in by what happens in print and on the big and little screens. All we are doing is hurting our own dating lives by comparing real life men to a movie star who says what a team of writers told him to say or fictional characters written to be suave.  Don’t lose a relationship because the man you are seeing isn’t standing under your window holding up a radio playing your favorite love song. Trust me, if a man did that for me, I’d probably be calling the cops, reporting that there a stalker outside. I highly doubt I’d be rushing out to meet him, passionately kissing him and ripping my clothes off for him. We are not fictional characters; nor do we have a large production company filming our every move, so we should stop expecting our lives to play out like a movie. Or lest be hurt for our fantastical follies in the long run.

I bet you’d be pretty upset, if you heard a man talk about you like this, “I wish she looked more like so and so.” If you don’t want him to do that, then don’t compare him to movie stars. A telltale sign that you are comparing your relationships and dating partners to those you see in movies is if you tell your friends, “I wish I could have that kind of relationship. Why can’t he be more like him?”  When these thoughts appear, ask yourself: are they realistic points of views? If they aren’t, make a list of realistic attributes you see in the man you like and the relationship you have with him. You might be pleasantly surprised by what you find. – Contributed by J.N. from Sacramento, California.

After working with several dozen of men and women on making their online dating profiles more interesting and attractive and also helping them communicate by e-mail with their potential dates, it is clear that he number one mistake that both men and women make when writing that very first e-mail to a potential partner online is writing a message which is generic and which looks like a boilerplate mass e-mail that goes out to a hundred people at the same time. Sometimes it’s very obvious – i.e. “I like your profile, let’s talk” or “Would you like to have a drink sometime?” and at other times it is a little less obvious but still look like a generic mass e-mail that can be sent to anyone: “You are very attractive and I like what you wrote on your page. I think I can relate to a lot of your ideas and goals and would like to get to know you better.” All of the above are bad ways to start a conversation online because they don’t make the person you write to feel like you wrote to them specifically. This is especially true with regard to women, who receive many generic messages from guys and after a while simply stop reading them, finding it both frustrating and disappointing that even the more educated and accomplished guys don’t put a little more effort into that initial contact.

Every woman wants to and likes to feel special, especially the one who invested time and effort into making her onlined dating profile stand out and be more interesting than the average. No one cares of a message that says “I didn’t read your profile, I don’t care what you have to say and I am putting no effort at all into this.”  As a guy, you are much better off addressing one or more things that she said on her page, rather than giving her a generic compliment that could apply to any woman.

You don’t have to be extremely creative to write a decent message. Even the most simple and the most common things that a woman mentions in her dating profile can be addressed in your message to her. For instance, if a woman says that she is shy at first and it takes her a while to warm up to a person she meets, you could say that you don’t think it’s a bad, and that it’s quite natural to be shy at first, and it’s probably better than the other extreme – being too outgoing too early on, before you even know who you are dealing with.

It’s much easier to write to a woman who lists a number of interests or hobbies in her profile. If she talks about hiking or traveling (almost everyone seems to be mentioning that in their profile), you can ask her where she went hiking most recently and what was her most memorable travel destination so far. If you happened to travel to the same area, it might open an interesting exchange of experiences.

If someone lists what they like and what they don’t like in other people, perhaps you can relate to your own specific experience where you can identify with the same. For instance, if a guy or a woman say that they don’t like drama, you could say that you don’t like drama either, but at the same time you realize that some drama is an inevitable part of life, and it’s how we deal with it when it comes our way that makes a big difference.

And, of course, before you write to anyone, makes sure you read these  three tips on making your online dating profile more attractive.

Entitlement mentality is a big turn off to most people, who know better, when it comes to dating. It’s important that you too don’t come across to others as if you acted like you are entitlement issues. Do you look at a person sometimes wondering why they act as if they are “all that”? What makes you think that about them? It it the way they stand, walk and otherwise carry themselves? Does their body language suggest that they are high maintenance, stuck up and act like nothing and no one is good enough for them? Do they behave and talk like the world revolves around them. Do they only mention in their conversations the most expensive restaurants, stores, cars, vacation destinations and alike. Does it look like they try to avoid anything “middle class”? These kinds of people are known for treating waiters and other service industry employees not as human beings but rather as their servants. They don’t ask for things but they expect things. When they buy something at a store, they consciously or subconsciously act like they are doing that store a favor. When they receive a gift or someone extends a kind gesture to them, it doesn’t surprise them, but they act as if that was totally expected. You will find this kind of attitude to be either intimidating, or off-putting or annoying, or… all of the above. Surely it will not be romantically attractive.

Although there is a racial stereotype, at least in the United States, attributing entitlement issues to white people, people of all races can have that sense of entitlement. For some of them, acting like royalty is just another attempt to be come across as well off and try to fit in the local American or Anglo Saxon culture.

Entitlement mentality is very unattractive when it comes to dating. Perceptive, observant men and women who are interested in finding a quality dating / relationship partner will smell entitlement mentality on a person quickly and will want to run in the opposite direction. Beyond all other unattractive things, sense of entitlement broadcasts insecurity to those who knows where it’s usually come from. It screams “I act like I am worth a lot and I deserve all the attention, because I have nothing besides my attitude to show for myself.”

Some people confuse sense of entitlement with confidence. In reality, however, the two are practically mutual exclusive. Real confidence is humble. It doesn’t scream for attention; it doesn’t ask for approval or recognition from the surroundings. A truly accomplished person, whatever that might mean, will feel no need to act like he is better than others. He doesn’t need to. He made his statement about who he is and what he is capable of in far more meaningful and noble ways. He has no need to act snobbish.

Acting like you are entitled is as unattractive on a first date as it is later in a relationship, unless whoever you are going out with feels equally entitled and/or materialistic.

You met a very attractive woman. Perhaps she is physically more attractive and more desirable to you than any other woman you have ever met in your life. Getting closer to her and having sex with her might look as a dream come true. You go out with her on a date, which you are very excited about and more nervous than usual. You feel that since she is so “hot” you must be on your best “game” in order not to blow it. While you are out, you find out quickly that she is very sensitive or even uptight. She doesn’t like to talk about or hear anything controversial, can’t handle a dirty joke, and takes everything personally. She seems to be more guarded than the average. Not only she is hot but she also acts like she like a “princess” – like someone who knows that she is hot and believes that it gives her a lot of power. You are still very interesting in her, at least sexually, and you are trying to adjust your behavior and your interaction with her to her liking. You stop being your usual self. You stop joking or saying anything that she might disagree with or not like. You are playing it very safe, complimenting her excessively, and agreeing with everything she says.  Nevertheless, there seems to be no chemistry and by the end of the date you realize that it’s not going to go anywhere.  You might have a similar experience again right after, meeting yet another very attractive woman, who seems to be uptight. You walk on eggshells while out with her, but things don’t work out again. Now you start assuming that all attractive women or a vast majority of them are that way – they are very sensitive, easily turned off or offended, and can’t handle a dirty joke or sarcastic conversation.

Now you meet a different kind of woman – this one might be or might not be as physically attractive, but she is smart, funny, stimulating, open minded and easy going. Not only she can take a joke, but she can dish one of her own. It would take a lot to offend her, yet you still decide to play it safe and act the same way as you would with the other, uptight kind. You have a plain conversation that hardly goes beyond the small talk about weather and what school you went to. You avoid saying anything sarcastic and you express no strong opinions. This time, however, the woman you are out with concludes that you have no personality and that you are a boring guy who she has no interest in seeing again, because she is looking for someone who she “clicks” with. This woman is tried of guys who she calls “vanilla” – those men who have nothing interesting to say.

It’s a shame if you miss out on the more interesting and more fun women because of the few uptight ones you met, went out with and didn’t do so well with made you believe that all women are like that. They are not. Some are, and they are the ones who you probably wouldn’t be happy with. There is only so long you could walk on eggshells anyway, if you are not that way naturally. There are plenty of women of a different kind  - the open minded, easy going, and real, so to speak. It is important that you don’t let yourself come across as boring just because being boring seems to be the right way to be with the high maintenance women who think they are god’s gift.

My observation also suggests that it’s the insecure women – women who feel that they aren’t everything they could have been and wanted to be that act like they are all that. The more accomplished and the more educated women, who have nothing to prove to anyone, are usually much more fun to be around and don’t act like the world revolves around them.

I suppose the same applies to men – it’s the insecure guys and the underachievers who walk around with their chin up like the own the world. The ones who have a lot going for them don’t have time to be posers. They are consumed with their work and other interesting things they do that make their life and the lives of those who they care about better.

Question: I’m not sure if you’ve heard of these books, but i’ve a read a book called ‘Why Men Love Bitches’ and i’ve read one called ‘Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man’ and in a way they contradict each other, it would be good if you could do a review on them or your perspective (as a guy). For example, the first book makes it seem as though men are attracted to women who are independent and rely on themselves completely (financially etc), and are attracted to girls who seem like their life is fulfilled regardless of him being a part of it. Whereas, the other book states that men want to be with a woman who they feel needs them & that it is innate for them to feel the need to provide for her/protect her & they wouldn’t feel the need to be with her otherwise.
Obviously, in the end everyone is attracted to different things, but it would be good to get another view. 

PracticalHappiness.com Answer: Great question. I guess it could be summarized into whether men really like bitches. I could see how the message that the above books convey seem to be contradictory, and here are my thoughts. Please bear in mind that the following is just an opinion of one man, even though I am trying to be as objective as I can.

First, obviously different men want a different kind of woman. They say that opposites attract, and often it seems to be true. Aggressive “bitchy” women get along with the more sweet and “docile” men, and the very masculine “alpha” males are often attracted to the more traditional, feminine woman.

In addition, here is a number of other observations. Bitchy women might be purely sexually more arousing to a guy, because that’s the attitude that’s sexually appealing – the attitude of a model on a runway who looks very confident or even stuck up, whose nose is high up and who thinks that she is all that. When a woman acts like she is “hot” it makes her look “hotter” to the unarmed male eye, so to speak. This of course does not make her more attractive as a personal or more desirable as a relationship partner.

For some guys, “getting” a bitch and dating one or even having sex with one is a personal challenge. They might have been successful at meeting, attracting and dating the “softer” kind and are now ready to the more difficult conquests.  They like a woman who is loud, argumentative and competitive – the one who will disagree just for the sake of showing that she can, and that no one can control her. The one who has to demonstrate her independence in every way possible, and the one who is notoriously hard to get along with.

Other men, especially the ones who are more traditional or conservative in their view of gender roles and values, appreciate more a woman who is conservative and who acts “softer” and more humble in her demeanor. They are not big fans of extreme feminism or women who try to act like men or be like men in every way they can.

Most importantly, I believe that both extremes can be damaging to a woman’s love life. While every woman has her natural predisposition to be more aggressive or more laid back in her behavior, being a corporate overachiever who rejects all gender roles, and who acts like she is always in charge is just as damaging as being a demur, subservient woman who is afraid of expressive herself in any way. In my highly subject view the best kind of a woman is the one who combines a “soft” and feminine nature with professional and educational ambition. Unlike some people out there believe, the two are not mutually exclusive but can actually enhance each other. This kind of woman doesn’t need to run around and announce to the world how strong and independent she is. She enjoys pleasing and enjoys to be pleased.

Lately, I have been hearing from quite a few single women that guys are not aggressive enough and that they do not approach the women they seem to be interested in meeting and that all they do is stare. After speaking with them briefly about this issue, it became very clear to me why this is the case. These women expect guys to do all the “work.” They don’t want to give the men they are interested in or might be interested in any signal of interest whatsoever, fearing that this would make them look needy or desperate or that it would be otherwise inappropriate. These women don’t realize that many, if not most, “normal” single men will not approach a woman if they don’t sense some kind of invitation from a woman that she is available and she would like to be approached by a guy. This doesn’t mean that you have to waive at him to come over and talk to you, but some kind of subtle gesture of attention from you, such as clear eye contact and a friendlier and a longer than usual smile can go a long way toward initiating an interaction, and making a difference between having a guy just stare at you and not daring to approach you and having all the confidence he needs to come up and talk to you.

To know why it is important to give the guy an invitation, you have to understand a typical male psychology. When a guy is thinking about approaching a woman and he notices that she looks and acts like she is not interested in being talked to or approached by anyone, this is discouraging to him. A simple smile and an eye contact can and often do go a long way toward giving many guys that little confidence that they need in order to approach and start talking to a woman. This is true in just about any situation.

Making an eye contact and smiling at a guy does not make you needy or desperate. It only makes you look friendly and approachable  - exactly the way you want to look if you are interested in having more guys approach you and start talking to you. This might sound like the oldest and the most basic advice, but it’s still as important as it ever has been. You cannot expect a guy approach you if disconnect yourself from the world by headphones and sunglasses (or both at the same time). There is simply no way around it – your eye contact is the most primal and the most essential element of meeting people. And, even though acting stuck up might make you feel like you are cool, it makes you virtually unapproachable to most civilized men.

You don’t need to convince a typical woman how important it is for her to look good. Most women are well aware and are very concerned with the smallest details of how they look – from the hair and make up, to boots and nails. Is it possible then that it wouldn’t matter to a woman how the guy she is talking to looks? I don’t think so. While some women might say that they care about what’s on the inside much more, your appearance – how you dress and how you carry yourself makes a big difference. We all make judgments about people based on how they look. Whether you want it or not, what you wear makes a statement about who you are, and your perception of another person is directly affected by that person’s appearance. Imagine an extreme example – a homeless person who wears ripped up, old clothes and whose hair looks like it hasn’t been washed in weeks because it hasn’t, and someone who is carrying a huge bag with all his possessions, comes up to you and says something very profound and interesting. You will still look at him and listen to him through the “lens” of his appearance. There will be a voice in your head that says “whatever that person is saying can’t be all that important; after all, look at him. If he really knew what he was talking about, he wouldn’t be looking like that.” Is it wrong and superficial of us to think that way? Maybe so, maybe no, but it’s also very natural and very, very common.

As a guy who is interested in making the right impression and attracting women, you should wear clothes that are (a) appropriate for the occasion; and (b) are flattering to your body type, and to who you are.

Being under-dressed is bad but being overdressed might also be a bad idea, as make you look like a poser who is trying too hard. Wearing a suit to a fine restaurant, a show or a concert is a great idea. Where a suit to a dance club or a very casual bar might not necessarily be appropriate, although of course depends on who you are and the exact place you are going to. Above all, you should feel comfortable in whatever you are wearing. Have you ever noticed someone who obviously looked uncomfortable in what they are wearing and they look like they are not in their place? That guy seems to be nervously looking around, fixing his clothes and fidgeting. Be assured that it is even more noticeable and more unattractive to women.

What about all those men who wear suits that are way too big for their body and who look like they wear their father’s suit. This is not a good look. It makes any guy look sloppy and physically unattractive. If you are overweight, it might be a good idea to wear a more relaxed fit suit, but if you are fit, there is no reason why your suit should not fit your body. Spend extra few minutes at the store and extra few dollars to figure out what your sizes are and get the right size of your shirts, pants and jackets. It will undoubtedly make you feel and look better. And there is no question that becoming more confident with women requires that you feel good about how you look and that you actually put yourself together.

When you look better and you know it, every moment of your life might just feel a little brighter. When you feel more attractive, you are more attractive. This will translate into your ability to approach and meet women and to talk to the women you already know in a way that will project more charisma and greater presence.  Your clothes alone will not turn you into an attractive man if you otherwise aren’t, but your style is surely an important factor.

Women love to say that they want a “real” man. But what does it really mean? Does it mean that they are looking for someone masculine – someone who drivers a truck and wears Levi’s jeans as opposed to Diesel? Someone who is over 6 feet tall and has a tool belt that he actually uses? A guy who served in a military? Someone who only drinks whiskey? Perhaps. On the more fundamental level, however, one of the elements of being a “real” man, which is crucial to having a successful romantic relationship means knowing how to handle criticism like a man. They say that in tennis you are as good of a player as your weakest shot. I say that in love, your relationship is as good as your worst days together. If you can’t handle the rough patches in your relationship with a woman with minimum grace, dignity, respect and self-respect, then every next crisis in that relationship will become worse and worse until the inevitable fall out.

A real man knows how to take tough love. When his partner criticizes something about him, he doesn’t get defensive right away or try to get back to her. At first, he considers if there is any merit whatsoever to what she is saying. Is it possible that if he put himself in her shoes, he would have seen the same or similar issues. That guy is proud of pushing a heavy load on weights in the gym, but he is even more proud of not letting a few harsh words to emotionally destabilize him, especially if these words are constructively meant to alert him to something that he could do better. That man appreciates a woman’s openness and knows how much better that is than not bringing the issues up that she has with him and allowing resentment to build up, which is a sure recipe for ugly fights, name calling and other low blows.

Being a real man doesn’t mean that you can never disagree with a woman, get angry or that you cannot give a piece of your mind when needed to the woman you are in a relationship with, but it does means that you should try to benefit, if at all possible, from the negative feedback you get about your behavior, your actions or anything else about you – particularly that which can be easily fixed. Remember – fighting back with a woman is although sometimes necessary, is not nearly as impressive as taking steps to turn yourself into a better man. That’s what “real” men do.