Every now and then I meet a guy or a woman who says that they are ready to completely give up on dating and relationships, and that meeting people and going out on dates is simply not worth the effort. Ironically, this happens more to the more attractive women than anyone else, and the reason is usually the same – they have more experiences meeting and dating, and their multiple, disappointing relationships lead to all kinds of emotional issues and a total dating frustration in general. Because the very attractive women get more attention from men, are asked out more often and end up dating different guys more often, they also have more negative experiences with men. Surely, if you lost someone you were really in love with, even one break up can feel like life has betrayed you and there is no point in trying to meet someone special again, as it will lead to terrible pain again.
It is particularly easy to get discouraged if you are being dumped time after time, and if you are feeling like you are wasting time when you invest effort and emotion into one person after another, but it does not lead to a a meaningful connection and a committed relationship. However, it is critical that you do not give in to your negative past and don’t become a victim of your previous dating disappointments. Giving up on dating and love is simply not productive. It’s obviously not going to make your life any better. And let’s be honest – can you really completely give up hope on finding that special chemistry? You might tell others and yourself that you have given up, but let’s be honest: as long as we are alive and healthy and vital enough to think and want love, romance and sex, we can never give up. Tell yourself and others that you have given up on dating is nothing but a self defense mechanism against continuing to date and hope for better and an attempt to justify not taking any action to improve your dating life and relationships. There are, however, a few practical steps that you can take to avoid this victim mindset or to snap out of it, if that’s where you are now:
1. Realize and Accept that Finding Love, Connection and Chemistry Takes Time and Patience
One of the most important things that a person can do in order to avoid that mindset of giving up on dating is not expecting love and romance to come too easy into their lives. For many people it takes many relationships and many years to find “the one”, and obviously not everyone even eventually finds it. It’s important to recognize that the probability of meeting someone very special to you, to whom you also might turn out to be special is pretty low. It’s not a bad thing or a good thing – it’s just a normal part of life. The fact that some people turned out to marry their first and only or a high school sweetheart is wonderful, but you can’t measure yourself that way and compare yourself to them. They are not the rule but the exception – a rare exception. Everyone has their own path, their own circumstances, their own goals and preferences when it comes to dating and relationships.
2. Learn How to Truly Enjoy The Process of Dating Without Being Attached to the Outcome So Much
No, this doesn’t mean that you have to go out with any random person or you have to sleep around with whoever, or that you shouldn’t care about the outcome of your interactions. It also doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be planning for your future, or that you should not be expecting commitment. You should do all of the above. But in addition, you should also enjoy every date you go out on as a learning experience at the very least, and if things don’t work out, you will accept it a normal part of the process.
When you go to the shoe store, even the most high-end shoe store, you might spend an hour or longer trying different shoes, and out of thirty pairs, you might only like one pair, or even none. You are tired of trying different shoes that don’t fit or don’t look right to you, but you also enjoyed the experience of going through different shoes, seeing what’s out there, and eventually finding the right pair. I realize that dating and shoe shopping are not the same, but there are similarities, and if you can look at dating at least a little bit more like shoe shopping and try to enjoy the process of learning more about other people and also about yourself – what you like, what you don’t like, what turns you on and what annoys you in people, etc., you are much more likely to not be frustrated with dating and to not think of giving up. After all, when you give up on dating – you give up on yourself only, and it’s hardly ever worth doing.
I gave up on women years ago. I’m sure I have PTSD from all the losers I met. One gave me her number and then when I called she said she only gave me her number to tell me she was never interested in me in the first place. Another one told me directly she didn’t have a boyfriend and then after a dinner and the theatre she then told me her boyfriend was back in town again!!. These are just 2 of probably 100s of examples. I have NO use for women. I’m glad the divorce rate is high–that’s what most of these loser women deserve anyway
It’s unfortunate that so many men and women have developed this type of dark and negative view of dating and the opposite sex, but I definitely understand the reasons behind this frustration.
You guys arguing, but need to learn to agree to disagree. Both of you are completely different people. One has success and skills and knows what he is doing. The other is struggling, trying very hard to get things right and obviously failing. It’s hard (or nearly impossible) for a person on one end of the spectrum to be capable of understanding how the person on the other end of the spectrum feels and what they are going through, regardless of how much they try to convince themselves that they do understand because one day long ago they had one or two similar experiences, lol (people like to say this crap a lot).
Bottom line is the person who just happens to success and skills will always assume that since they have it, there is no way anyone else in the world should be struggling and they will always talk down to or at you and tell you it’s all your fault and that you are pretty much pitiful (then expect you to feel better and encouraged as a result). The person who is struggling and failing continuously will, of course, not be able to see things from the successful person’s point of view as well and will try to either argue, explain their point of view unsuccessfully to be verbally abused even more, or possibly end up believing that they are indeed worthless and pitiful and possibly move on to ways of finding a way to permanently remove the pain from their lives or remove themselves from this world in general.
Words can be just as powerful, or even worse than decades and decades of rejections, and sometimes the combination can be lethal. I would recommend that all those who have it made and look down on others who are struggling in any area of life watch themselves and think about what they do and say before doing and saying things. You may be the reason why some people hurt themselves and you do not know what other issues they may have in their lives that are causing them to have to live the life they live with the results they are getting. After all, bipolar disorder, autism spectrum disorder / aspergers, schizophrenia, personality disorder, social anxiety, etc. are all things that some people deal with and no one chose to be that way when they were born. Therefore, fuck everyone and anyone who talks down to everyone else because they have it made in an area where others are struggling, and I also deeply regret some of the things I said to people on other forums and comment sections and youtube back when I first got into PUA and started feeling like I was better than the other person.
Another thing is one person could have all the right personality ingredients and have it work for them then assume that because it works for them, then everyone should have success if they just act or do the same. I am here to tell you that confidence, charisma, and whatever else was mentioned in the entire debate above my comment can help, but obviously isn’t enough, or else I would not have struggled as much as I have over the years. I know most people like to go by what they wish to believe or a few personal life experiences, but I ALWAYS GO BY REAL LIFE EXPERIENCE and I’ve seen not only myself, but others with great personalities and ambitions and passions and all that stuff struggle, surprisingly even worse than me.
Of course, yes, there are always other dudes who may be ugly or fat or messed up in some other way that mainstream society considers to be bad that are able to “pull women” which makes some good guys (who also have a few other things going for them other than just being a “nice guy”) puzzled and confused because they cannot help but to wonder how those bizarre dudes can get people to make out and get into relationships and stuff while you are trying and struggling the best you can and seeing little to no results.
Oh, and these days, making out and holding hands means nothing. I could do that with a girl I just met, so does this mean I’m with her now, too? I may be able to pull a woman and do all kinds of things one day that fool the public, but she may even have another boyfriend or she may not even return my calls or texts the next day or even consider me just friends! Heck, I’ve done this with girls I only wanted to be friends with, so…. everyone reading, take everything I’ve said for what it’s worth to you.
What you say has merit. But at the end of the day, meeting women is all but hopeless. That is the very reason so many guys have given dating and approaching the middle finger.
A break can be a good idea and provide fresh perspective on things.
Frankly, I can’t bring myself to expose my heart again. I’ve had more rejections that any one person should ever have to face. Is it my personality? My looks? My income? I’m not sure since all the women who have rejected me have always given me stock excuses like “let’s be friends,” but not the kind who hang out and do things together. The kind who would never call you, who go out of their way to avoid you. That is why I will be single forever. At my age maybe I don’t feel so lonely anymore. Maybe I’m so lonely and have felt this way so long I no longer notice it. Honestly, though. When I look in my mirror I don’t see a handsome face looking back at me, so that could actually be at least a slim part of it.
@ Bey Ship – this is an unfortunately situation and a cycle where the more failures you have the more jaded you become and that translates into a behavior that perpetuates bad results. I am not sure what a good solution would be except trying to make a good female friend who would be open, honest and real enough to be able to point at the things that you could work on to make yourself more attractive and have better results with women.
This brings us to the same old question: How many times does a guy have to get shot down before he finally realizes that it isn’t worth the aggravation???
Depends on who he is – is he looking for an excuse to feel sorry for himself and let every failure be a solace for self-pity or does it take a failure a reason to work all the harder to fix problem. It’s a personal choice for every person to make.
Thank you both for your comments. I was making a general statement and wasn’t looking to keep myself in a state of pity. Avoiding the self-loathing and “whoa is me” attitude is exactly why I gave up trying to make a connection. Although I can’t say I’m truly happy, I can say I’m no longer miserable.
Of course, the people who have it made and have it easy will always put those down who are discouraged. That is pretty much what PUA is about as well. Notice that even the people who start following PUA and feeling a quick boost of confidence because they stumbled across a few new techniques and suddenly feel a bit of power will also get into that mindset of talking down at anyone who is struggling. I admit – I’m guilty of getting online and doing that to people as well some years ago when I first got into PUA. Now I am at the age where I say fuck the bullshit and all the dating guru crap and I’m just going to live my life however I wish whenever I want and learn to be happy with myself by myself. I’m no longer interested in changing or reformatting my entire personality or having to be nearly perfect or psychic to be successful with women. If people cannot accept the fact that I make mistakes and that I wont always say the perfect thing in text or call or always know the right time to do and say things every single time, then I can accept living without them in my life.
I have nothing against PUA or dating gurus, as it has helped me a little over the past 10 years, but now I’m at the point where I’m ready to move on to live my life my way and be natural with myself and friends.
Sometimes the first step in fixing the problem is realizing that it can’t be fixed. Why else is the gulf between “us” and “them” so wide?
A guy (or a woman for that matter) who goes into marriage without protecting his/her significant assets, naively believing that no one and nothing can hurt their marriage and cause break-up has only himself/herself to blame for that kind of nearsighted way of thinking,
I think the word you are looking for is "trust." Based on what you said, you must always sleep with one eye open and NOT trust your partner. No way around this. Again no happily ever after, long drawn out sniper duel, the first one who moves loses. Actually regardless of who moves the man loses…everything.
That pretty much sums it up, doesn't it?
You are damn right I am going to go for the most attractive. If I have to have good looks and a lot of money and high status why the hell would I want a plain jane…funny enough is you need all of those things just to attract a plain jane.
The dynamic here is skewed…
An Attractive woman wants an attractive guy and thinks only her looks are all that is needed while HE needs looks, money, confidence, sense of humor variable, variable, variable,
An Attractive guy wants an attractive woman but realizes he will need all of the above mentioned not to mention APPROACH, ATTRACT, INITIATE, hoop jump hoop jump hoop jump.
So again, damn right if I am going to put so much effort I should be more inclined for going for a Megan Fox type over honey boo boo's mom.
Ill tell women how it is .I am very well know for calling things as i see them.Women you got what you wanted and now your being a normal women complaining about getting what you wanted .See you want the bad boys and you go after them, and then you get them, and then the bad boy does bad things. I was married for 17 years and didnt want it to end .But she wants to be a teen partying like a teen .So divorced 2 years now .And not even trying to do it again .See the reason all the good guys arent out there we are either taken .Or dont want any thing to do with women any longer and find being alone for the rest of our lives safer and easier then dealing with you women trying to change every thing about us to find out you dont like what you mad them become .So i single staying single and have no interest in dating ever again.
Ben:
You, sir, are on the money!!!
Dating is like jumping through a hoop. If a guy fits the mold, talks the right talk i.e confidence then he may have a chance. Make it worse when the ratio is in favor of the women. Most I found where I live are married, depressing. Sure, a good part is my doing, but it is time to move to better waters.
Must be in the east coast. I found way more single people in Arizona, but then if you go to Arizona you will lose the variety of culture and diversity that is available in much of the east coast. I’ve never seen more people with rings on their finger or who had boyfriends than I have in the east coast, especially around the Virginia / DC / Maryland areas.
But while more people seem to be married out here in the east, there are also a lot of foreigners who are more open minded that you may have a chance with, so…… “pick your poison” (or “pick your pleasure”) as Judge Judy says, lol.
S:
Here are some reasons why dating has become "them vs. us:"
1) Most women believe men are expendable at best, and useless as usual.
2) Most women believe that men are the enemy.
3) If a guy is a so-called "alpha", he's written off as phony…but if he ISN'T an alpha, he's a WUSS!!! Thus, a guy can't win for trying.
4) In this day and age, an entire generation of men, after being groomed to treat women with kindness, respect, honesty and humor, are invariably lumped into the usual anti-male diatribe of "all men are…(insert insult here)."
5) Nothing a guy does is good enough for most women in this day and age.
6) The male-bashing, man-hating feminazis have taken over the debate and will kill anyone who dares to disagree with them.
So, it's real hard for those women who claim to want a good man yet push men away at the same time. How's that for irony?
For a lot of guys, myself included, when we're hit with the "men suck" mentality on a regular basis every freakin' day, it sure is hell hard (at least for me) to think that there is a special someone out there. And then, we end up too jaded and demoralized to care anymore.
You did say that you would like to meet someone willing to take the risk of dating. Sorry, but when there is no light at the end of the tunnel, taking that risk and becoming open-hearted is NOT AN OPTION!!!
I didn’t read all of that since I want to hurry and put a last comment before going for an appointment, but what you said at #2 is pretty true. Guys are usually always accused of making women the enemy, but I never even thought about the fact that women see men as the enemy even more so than guys a lot of the time. After all, now that I think of it, when you chase bad boys and all the people who will treat you wrong then get screwed over and over, I can see why they may see men as the enemy. But then again, they are making their own choices and getting themselves into their own situations. I can’t have any excuses for feeling bad when I try everything I’ve got and fail? Then I definitely don’t give any excuses for women doing the types of things they do to put themselves in the situation they are in.
And for religious freaks out there, I must say God must not be perfect if things in the dating world are this difficult and mismatched. Who would’ve thought to make humans naturally attracted to those who are not good for them and leave the people with good intentions or mental disorders or whatever suffering and struggling? Just a thought…
A lot of this I believe comes down to standards and physical expectations of men/ and women for that matter. Getting dates with unattractive women is very easy and if men resorted to this more often then I don’t think they would be complaining about dating. The problem is that most men including my self seek beautiful sexy bodied girls/women, or deep down know that this is what they really want so will not treat anyone other than this sincerely.
Because these gorgeous women are not easy to get and are often encumbered with various other men continuously hitting on them they often develop arrogant, ignorant attitudes towards men, which of course only makes the dating situation harder. Men will always strive for the best women they can get but finding one is often quite difficult. Once a guy has one or two targets in his sights they then have to begin the grinding endeavor, step by step journey, to get to their piece of the pie (so to speak).
Simply getting a girls number is not even the beginning of success, as any man knows. Getting a girls number is often difficult enough and usually the girls who give their numbers out straight away are often flaker’s anyway. Once the number is retrieved, the man must then calculate when to ring or txt this women, (some don’t like ringing off the bat as i’ve learned), he then must have a positive and interesting initial conversation with her, he then must decide when he will ring again to ask her out somewhere, (he must choose this place wisely as some are not all good), he then must succeed in his “initial meeting” and try to not look like a sleaze or any other generic name women give men.
Next, he must plan a second date where he can further get to know the women, preferably over drinks. Usually after this stage the women will decide whether she A) Wants to sleep with him or continue their meetings, or B) Forget about this guy all together… This tedious, lengthy and repetitive procedure just gets very tiring for a man to say the least. A man has many other interests and things going on in his life as well so why should he put all of his effort into a never ending losing battle ? Some even wonder whether the odds are against them to begin with, especially living in an area with fierce competition. And lets not forget how often do women have to go through this, seeking, inquiring, arranging, entertaining, waiting procedure ? Never… I hope I didn’t sound too negative here… 🙂
No, you were stating facts. If it sounds negative to anyone, then the facts itself are negative to begin with.
Hi….Happy Holidays.
My heart aches every time I see articles and comments about the horrible reasons we struggle in the dating arena. I think the dating situation is sad for all. Although it is a disppointing, it shouldn't be a "them vs. us" mentality. Everyone has something to offer regardless of individual backgrounds. If we could find ways to look beyond past hurts and see the person in front of us, then I believe dating may improve. I would love to meet someone that is willing to take that risk. I am highly educated, confident, and very well established, but it does not meam much when there isn't someone to share life with, as we are all social beings on some level. Have a great Holiday season.
@S Great point about us v them mentality. That kind of mindset and approach never leads to anything good, but unfortunately it is marketed as the right way to be to both men and women all too often.
R:
PREACH ON, FRIEND!!!
There are millions of men all across America that have given up on dating or even approaching women. Why? Because women are so stuck up and think that no men are good enough for them. And they treat men that way. It’s really pretty easy. I’ve heard it called “Self Worth Inflation” and other things; it goes like this. On a man’s rating scale is a 6. She’s average weight, average height, average attractiveness, normal job, education, and lifestyle. Since she got the “package” of averages; that makes her above average. She gets on Online Dating and gets 500 msgs a week from guys who think she is so hot that they all want to have sex with her. Man, she really thinks she is hot shit now. If her “attention whore” mailbox gets a little slow all she has to do is talk slutty, imply that she is open to sex right way, or post a photo from 5 years ago when she was skinny or post one with a little cleavage. That will fill her mailbox up for weeks and months to come.
So when a guy who is a 8 on the guy attractiveness scale contacts her she treats him like crap because she has a mailbox full of guys begging for her attention. And one of them might be BRAD PITT !!!
The reality is she (ms average) treats ALL GUYS LIKE CRAP. Even ones much better than herself; guys if she met in real life would be thrilled if they asked her out on a date. The problem is, this guy has been rejected by bitches like her so many times that he won’t ask her (or anyone else) out because he’s sick of being treated like dirt. Yes, he has given up. We have all given up.
Cindy – I keep hearing women say that there is some kind of rejection involved after a relationship “fizzles out”. There are good, good guys out here who have NEVER been to a social, the prom, been on a date or even danced with a woman because they are so bad at this. The internet is chock full of pickup artist schools lining up to take money off these men, so that they can somehow try to impress you, who you would never give a second look. THAT is
rejection and you do not seem to know much about it.
@Dave:
That is soooooo on the money!!!
@Laura:
Really? It’s kind of hard for guys to have any kind of control in a relationship when guys have to jump through all kinds of hoops just to get a date, let alone get into a relationship.
When you consider that, in this day and age, the allegedly “fair sex” get their kicks cutting guys down at the knees “just because”, there really isn’t much doubt as to who’s in “control.”
Regarding your claim that men keep women at arm’s length for fear of getting too close, I think, based on what you’re saying, a guy doesn’t want to be in a relationship where he becomes his significant other’s trained seal.
That said, I stand behind my original premise: the supposedly “fair sex” has low tolerance for, and lower expectations of men. The end result is what we have today: THEM vs. US.
That’s why I’ve given up on the farce called dating.
@Mickey we don’t think men bring nothing to the relationship, we just think men have all the control in the relatioship. Men call all the shots and our choice is to continue to date them on their terms or not. We seldom get to have the type of relationship we desire because they are too busy holding us at arms length, lest we get attached to them. I think this article is great and in fact, encourages me all the more that giving up on dating is the right choice for me personally.
Maybe the men you choose to date, yes. But the guys who aren’t like this are labeled as the nice guy (or creep or awkward or stalker or whatever other labels that are thrown at men who are already struggling) are the same guys who are always turned down to make room for the guys girls go for then complain about.
I have to say that whatever issues you’re having with men are probably issues you are causing for yourself by choosing to continue seeking out the types of guys that have you believing that men are a certain way. No, not all men are a certain way. Just the ones you’re choosing to get involved with.
Some guys give up. Some continue to try just being themselves and may or may not ever succeed. Then there are those who realize that being nice and respectful and caring hasn’t worked and change to be like the jerks that women tend to seek out. Then women wonder why all guys seem the same….. Lol.
Interesting thoughts. One “ideal” option is to learn to combine those qualities that women find attractive in jerks and combining them with the good qualities for the “nice guys”, while trying to leave the unattractive aspects of both out.
It's so easy to say not to give up to your negative past and don’t become a victim of your previous dating disappointments.
I don't know about others, but I really have to work myself Up to try yet another man. After decades of it, finding no one, especially on these dating sites, do I have to keep torturing myself with "first dates" because I am alive? Honestly, the men do bring very very little to the table. The degree of sexual satisfaction is off the charts. Most of them have no money, when I am financially independent. The needle in the haystack strategy is emotionally draining, hurtful,demoralizing, and most unsettling.
Why not just let a person "settle in" and not keep seeking instead of telling them how unproductive they are for not constantly foraging. The number of good men out there is infinitesimal. And the older you get the worse it is.
I don't necessarily think I have totally given up, but after being stood up tonight, years of sexual manhandling and insensitivity, being dumped by people who I probably would have dumped anyway, and being one of the best kept secrets in the dating pool with no one to notice, I just want peace.
It's kind of hard to take dating seriously when most women tend to believe that guys bring nothing to the table in any relationship.
d Francis – It is EASY to say that the “end” should be enjoying an evening out with a
young lady ( who claimed that she wanted to come) ,rather than numbering up the result, but so many of these unhappy evenings mean that you stop asking women at all—- it was just not worth it!
Practicalhappiness.com:
I have to thank you for pointing out the single most important piece of advice here: that there are no guarantees in any of this. If more people kept this in mind instead of going after the stupid myth that there’s “someone for everyone”, people would be a lot less cynical about dating.
Great job.
once again you are right, arkady. it's about enjoying the time you spend with your dates as ends, rather than means, whatever the outcome.
as you said, it is not so common that your high school sweetheart becomes your wife for the rest of your life. in many cases, guys especially, go out with a lot of people and have a lot of brief relationships, especially in their early 20's when they are raging with hormones and like to play the field. there is nothing wrong with this, as long as the guy isn't abusive or cheating.
most people will settle down in their late 20's or early 30's, and in the end, they will have more knowledge, wisdom and experience at dating, than the person who never dated around because they were waiting for "ms/mr perfect". not only that, but the people who often "play the field" and screw around are going to meet so many people, that it is more likely they will find a serious committed relationship.
just my thoughts.