Losing first love – lose it without losing yourself
Anyone who remembers his first love would agree that losing first love is one of the most traumatic, painful emotional experiences in a person’s late teens or early twenties. Losing first love is probably more hurtful than losing any subsequent love or breaking up in the future. When our very first love is not reciprocated or when our first lover abandons us for whatever reasons, we truly feel crashed and our world collapses. That perfect world that we thought we had with that perfect person who we were crazy about all of a sudden became less stable and not as eternal as we first thought we lose our first love. After all, every man and a woman tend to believe that that first person who they fall for is that one-of-a-kind special partner that will spend a lifetime with them. When these hopes are shattered by the reality of losing first love, we feel betrayed, powerless, and above all – angry.
We believe that there has to be something we could do to fix the situation, to bring that person back into our life and to resolve any differences that caused the break-up. Usually, however, our attempts to bring our first “ex” back only have the reverse effect – they distance our first romantic partner even further from us, make us all the more unattractive and undesirable to the other person, and make the break-up hurt even more. As in most other situation, you cannot impose yourself upon someone who doesn’t want to be with you, and the harder you try the more they would want to stay away from you, as you simply cannot convince another person to be with you and neither should you try. No matter how badly you want to be with that other person and how special you think he or she is, it takes two to tango, and if the other person refuses to “dance” – then you have to look for another dancing partner, without looking back.
As we all know, losing first love can hurt a lot and most people would agree that the first break-up is the hardest one in their life. Losing first love at times can be unbearable. Looking at the photos of the two of you, thinking about all the things you have done together and planned to do together in the future does not make it easier. But hey, you don’t really have a choice but to move on. Overcoming such painful experiences is almost inevitable, and it is your duty to yourself to handle a break-up the right way.
So, what can you do to alleviate that pain, if you are at the stage of having the bitter taste of losing first love?
First and foremost, you have to realize that no matter how bad and how unique your pain is, it is what everyone feels and experiences when in your shoes. And guess what – the vast majority of people do not settle and spend their whole life with their first love. Every young boy and girl cry, reminiscing on the great times that they had with their first beloved. They think about the looks they got and gave to each other, their magic nights, all the places they went together and all the things they did together and had in common. No matter how special and unique you believe your situation is and no matter how one-of-a-kind you think your love is, obviously you are not the first person who feels that way, so you must remember that what you feel is not uncommon for a person in your situation, and it can be successfully dealt with, and you will deal with it and will eventually overcome it and will move on.
Secondly, if that other person initiated a break-up, you must stop trying to get him/her back. During my work with people of different ages and dating backgrounds, I haven’t yet seen one person return to anyone as a result of being convinced by the one they broke up with to come back. You should realize that if a person made a decision to leave you, then he/she has their own reasons for it that might even be beyond your ability to relate or change. Anything you do to bring that person back into your life will only make you more unattractive and even repelling to him/her.
Thirdly, you should know that there is no shortcut or a quick trick that will allow you to get over your pain. Getting over losing first love takes time! A certain amount of time must elapse before the pain begins going away. It might take anywhere from several weeks to several months before you feel any relief. By keeping yourself busy and interested in other people socially and romantically, you will help the healing process dramatically. It is also very important that you remember that what you feel is normal. It’s an emotion. An emotion of love and romantic interest takes time to develop and it takes time to go away when you break up. You cannot expect something you felt for months or years to disappear overnight. In fact, you should be concerned if you don’t feel any pain, as that should raise some concerns about your emotional availability and sensitivity as a human being.
I can bet that if you just lost your first love, you are convinced that he/she is one of a kind and that you are never going to meet anyone quite like him/her, especially if you feel that you have never meet anyone like him/her before. Well, guess what - I can also bet that this is not true! The reality of the dating life of all people I worked with shows beyond any doubt that they meet many, many more people after their first love, who they fall in love with and who they consider to be very special in their own, unique way. It’s true that no two people are alike, but it’s also true that every person, including every subsequent person who you will date will have something special about him/her that your former love didn’t. So, don’t allow yourself to aggravate your heart even further by making yourself believe that your loss is irreplaceable. This is simply not true.
Perceive your loss of first love as a positive stage in your life. It’s part of growing up, part of becoming stronger and more mature and learning how to deal with breaking up and rejection. And the best part is that every subsequent break-up in your life will likely be easier, as you will learn how to handle it and how to move on with your life.
Lastly, don’t consider your past relationships to be a waste of time just because they ended. The only time when the relationship is a waste of time is if you were in it for the wrong reasons or if you didn’t learn anything from it and moved forward without becoming a better partner and without reflecting on the possible mistakes that you made in your last relationship that you could and should avoid in the future.
You enjoyed loving as long as it lasted. I sure hope that you learned something from that experience and that you also reflect on the possible mistakes you made. It’s never too early or too late to learn how to be a better relationship partner and how to avoid having the same problems in the future as you had in the past. And if you want to start learning some of the most crucial elements of being a great relationship partner learn about my audio program “20 Laws of Successful Relationships.”
The vast majority of people lose their first love and pretty much all of them live through it, becoming stronger and more mature individuals and lovers. You will be in the same group! Remember, a true champion does not deny his loss. He accepts it with grace and dignity, and does his best to learn from it, so that he moves on as a better and a stronger person. This applies to both sports as well as love and dating.