Two Common Reasons for Being Dumped

dumped, break-upThe more I study dating and relationships, and the more I observe why both guys and women get dumped, the more clearly I see these two common themes and patterns of behavior that lead to being dumped. Understanding these common reasons for being dumped is obviously important for at least two reasons. First, if you are in a relationship now, being aware of these major causes for break-ups will help you avoid making those mistakes and will reduce the chances of being dumped losing a good relationship. Secondly, if you are not in a relationship now, it would still be very useful for you to learn how to not make these common mistakes that people make in relationships that lead to bad break-ups, so you that you can avoid making those unnecessary mistakes:

1. You Might Have Been Dumped Because Spent Way Too Much Time Together

As I point out in my audio program “20 Laws of Successful Relationships,” many people believe that the more you love each other, the more time you should spend with together. They believe that love and desire for space are incompatible and the more you love each other the more time you should spend with each other, and it is never too much. This way of thinking can be fatal to a relationship, if only one of the two people feels that way. If you want to spend every free moment with you partner, while he/she makes it clear to you that they like their alone time very much, pushing them or trying to convince them to give that time they need for themselves is a sure way to make your partner unhappy, and as a result cause all kinds of related and seemingly unrelated problems in your relationship.  This is because whoever needs space and doesn’t get it tends to feel suffocated.

If you are one of those people who thinks that you don’t need any space, I encourage you to consider creating at least some space  in your relationship. Whether it’s friends, relatives, a spouse, a dating partner or anyone else – we all need some time from each other. The only question is how much. This is nothing personal, but it is something necessary in order to have a healthy relationship.

A whole-day first date, spending every night together, working, traveling and doing all the other things together with your partner might sound like a great relationship of two inseparable souls. However, in reality this leads to a certain kind of romantic over-satiation. You become so fed up with each other and become so annoyed by each other that you consciously or subconsciously seek a way out. All too often, lack of personal time and space to do your own thing will kill love, attraction, passion and sexual desire faster than anything else. Whether you think you need space or not, chances are that spending some time away from your partner – whether it’s a few hours a day or a few days a month – will do a lot of good to your relationship. Among other things, it will make you miss each other and look forward to seeing each other.  On the other hand, being in each other’s face will make you take each other for granted, feeling that your partner becomes a burden rather than someone you want to see an spend time with.

Think about it – your most favorite food will become repulsive to you and even thinking about it will cause you nausea if you overeat, or if it is in front of you all day, whether you are hungry or not. Dating and relationship are not that much different in that regard.

2. You Might Have Been Dumped because You Were Too Jealous and Controlling

Few things are more destructive in a relationship than jealousy and control. When you restrict your partner’s freedom to do what he/she wants and to spend time with whoever he/she wants and to live his/her life the way they want, you make them very unhappy and you also show great insecurity that make you come across as very unattractive and “suffocate” your dating or relationship partner, making him eager to get out and break free. If you believe that you are jealous, and you would like to overcome and abandon that part of you, a good start for you on that journey would be reading the article on dealing with and overcome jealousy. You must remember that the only reason that your partner would be with you is because of his desire to be with you. Any attempt to keep someone and supervise his actions is futile. Whoever wants to cheat and have an affair while in a relationship, will find a way to cheat regardless of you efforts to prevent that.

Being dumped is not fun, to say the least, and so is dumping someone you have been with for a while. However, by avoiding just two of the above major mistakes, you will dramatically reduce the chances of being dumped and losing a good relationship with a good person.

And if you have been dumped by your dating partner, make sure that you don’t let that experience be a waste. Take the time to reflect on your recent experience to learn what you did right, what you did wrong, and how you can avoid making the same mistakes in the future, as there is no better lesson and opportunity to improve than your own past mistakes with the opposite sex. And if you recently broke up with your partner, make sure you read this article on overcoming a painful break-up.

  • practicalhappiness.c

    @Giovanni. Thanks for your kind. Good question but I would hate to guess something about someone I never met and know so little about.

  • Giovanni

    @practicalhappiness.com,

    Thank you very much. Really. Thank you for spending your time to help me. When I told my family this story, they showed me their point of view: in their opinion, she was so in love with me that a simple picture is an insignificant thing.
    I know that hiding jealousy is the right thing to do: in fact, I never talked with her about that episode.
    You know what? She is not my gf anymore: because of our distance, she broke up with me and, now, has a new American bf.
    In spite of this, that episode has still the power to hurt me. I know myself: the only thing to solve my pain would be to understand if she liked that guy or not. At that time, as I wrote, she was super in love with me, but, if I can, I would like to know your short opinion about that day:
    do you thing she was unconsciounsly flirting, or just being friendly and supporting the potential romance between her friend Jennifer and Antonio?

  • practicalhappiness.c

    Hi, Giovanni. Thanks for sharing your story. It's a classic example of how feeling threatened by a woman attention toward another guy can make you feel less attractive and less confident to her. I know it's hard to disregard when a woman pays more attention to another guy when you like her so much, but … think about the image you create for yourself when you allow her seemingly innocent interaction destabilize you. The right approach is to not worry about it at all and just act like nothing bad is going on. Why? First and foremost because if she really likes someone else more than you, then she will follow them and there is not much you can do about it. On the other hand, situations like this are excellent opportunities for you to show off your confidence and composure by continuing to be affectionate to the girl and even play along by admiring that other guy and saying how cool/attractive he is. This will show your total and utter confidence. It's not uncommon for women to test guys this way (consciously or subconsciously) and see if they are mature/stable enough to handle a situation where she has some kind of interaction with another guy. Will he act normally or will he act like a jealous teenager?
    This brings me to another important point – analyzing and overanalyzing what's going on on facebook is hardly a good idea. Who posted what, where and why should not matter to you as much. If anything, it suggests a great deal of insecurity. Try to look at the bigger picture of how things are between the two of you and don't let little details stand in your way, but if she clearly is interested in that other guy more… move on without looking back. Thanks.

  • Giovanni

    Dear Arkady, I need a wise opinion, and you are the one I trust. It could be an occasion for you to explain other aspects of female attraction, and an occasion for me to finally chill out. Sorry if this message is not short, but the answer required can be short and super useful at the same time.

    I am not American and, one day, I met an American girl on FB. We started a long mail exchange, which lasted two years. She liked me a lot and continued to repeat: “Guys like you are not very common here. You are very beautiful, sexy, elegant, a person with good, fine tastes, very sensitive, smart, well mannered…”; and I liked her a lot (she was perfect for me!). Our internet dialogue went on and on, and we shared emotions, interesting opinions. She is a shy girl but also quite confident, and, even though my physical aspect helped me a lot, I think she was impressed by my sensitive way to approach life. One day we met in the flesh in my country. We didn’t have enough time, but enjoyed our company very much. She returned to the USA with a lot of sadness, then our communication via internet continued. One day she met an American man who became her boyfriend, so our conversation had an interruption. After a pair of months, however, she sent me an email, saying it was hard without me, then she broke up with her bf and decided to return to my country. We met again and spent three days together. It was a dream: we were very in love and our passion was very intense! She shared her apartment with two female friends. One of them, that we’ll call Jennifer, was interested in an handsome guy called Antonio. Antonio was a muscular lifeguard, who had approached, together with a friend and when I hadn’t arrived yet, “my girl” and her two friends. Because of Jennifer’s interest in Antonio, the three girls invited him and his friend to their apartment, just for a glass of wine and some music. These “parties” lasted three days. “My girl” was very excited to meet me, so she spent every night with me (yes, probably it happened that she also dedicated some time to laugh and smile with her female friends and the guys during these parties, however). The main point of this entire message is that something happened that made me jealous. One morning we (me, “my girl”, Jennifer and the other girl) planned to spend some time on a wonderful beach. My girl was very happy: she hugged me and kissed me every time. At a certain point, she called Antonio via phone (because it was his duty to tell us where his little boat was: that boat was used to take persons to that particular beach). When I realised she was talking with him, I got jealous, my mood changed and I became a little cold (without explaining the reasons). My girl became a little cold in return. The problem is this: once on the boat, my girl and Jennifer reached the prow and my girl started to take some pictures of the coast (probably 4-5 pictures); at a certain point, she had a rapid 180°, said with a friendly but not flirty tone “Antonio, a picture!”, took Antonio a picture, then immediately had another 180° turn and focused on the coast. Once on the beach, she took me a picture while I didn’t notice it (she liked my profile), then sent me a sexy message via phone. The fact is, she immediately uploaded on FB NOT every picture she took on the boat, but only the one with Antonio (an in that picture my mouth is open, I am horrible: she clearly didn’t focus on me when she took it). Jennifer was not in that picture, but my girl tagged her where Antonio was. The picture had a lot of comments by my girl’s friends: “Wow, hawt!”, and so on (they appreciated Antonio). My girl started with me a long distance relationship after that vacation; she was very in love and said to me that I was the man of her dreams, the sexiest in the world. I loved her a lot, and I still love her. But why did she take that picture (focused on Antonio) and was it the one she immediately upload? Was she attracted to him? Did she think he was a super macho to the point of wanting to share it with her FB friends? But when a girl is happy and excited for a new boyfriend, isn’t she almost not receptive towards other guys? It’s discouraging for me to discover that a pair of well developed muscles turned on my girl. On the other side, she probably dedicated the picture to Jennifer and considered Antonio just as a friend. What’s your opinion about the picture? I cannot explain how hurtful this thought is for me. Thank you!