Every now and then I meet a guy or a woman who says that they are ready to give up on dating and relationships, and that it’s simply not worth the effort. Ironically, this happens more to the more attractive women than anyone else, and the reason is usually the same – multiple, disappointing relationships that lead to emotional trauma and eventually frustration with dating in general. Because the very attractive women get more attention from men, are asked out more often and end up dating different guys more often, they also have more negative experiences with men. Surely, if you lost someone you were really in love with, even one break up can feel like life has betrayed you and there is no point in trying to meet someone special again, as it will lead to terrible pain again.
It is particularly easy to get discouraged if you are being dumped time after time, and you are feeling like you are wasting time when you invest effort and emotion into people time after time, but it does not lead to a committed relationship. However, it is critical that you do not give to your negative past and don’t become a victim of your previous dating disappointments. First, “giving up” is move that’s not productive. It’s not going to make your life better. You might tell others and yourself that you have given up, but let’s be honest: as long as we are alive and healthy and vital enough to think and want love, romance and sex, we can never give up. Giving up is nothing but a self defense mechanism against continuing to date and hope for better and an attempt to justify not taking action to improve your dating life and relationships.
One of the most important things that a person can do to deal with or avoid that mindset of being ready to give up is not expecting love and romance to come to easy into their lives. For many people it takes many relationship and many years to find “the one”, and not everyone finds it obviously. It’s important to recognize that the probability of meeting someone very special to you, to whom you also might turn out to be special is pretty low. It’s not a bad thing or a good thing – it’s just a normal part of life. The fact that some people turned out to marry their first and only or a highschool sweetheart is wonderful, but you can’t measure yourself that way and compare yourself to them. They are not the rule but the exception – a rare exception. Everyone has their own path, their own circumstances, their own goals and preferences when it comes to dating and relationships.
The next element of preventing this feeling of frustration is learning how to enjoy the process of dating without being attached to the outcome. You enjoy every date you go out on as a learning experience at the very least, and if things don’t work out, that’s totally fine and it gives you an opportunity for more interesting encounters in the future. One reaosn people get tired of dating is because they go out on too many dates with too many different people, which becomes exhausting – it becomes like a second job. If that’s the case, the only natural solution is taking a break from dating. A month off seeing people will do the trick in most cases and will resent you mind and your “dating clock” allowing you to again be excited about going out rather than feel like you are on a mission.
When you go to the shoe store, even the most high-end shoe store, you might spend an hour or longer trying different shoes, and out of thirty pairs, you might only like one pair, or even none. You are tired of trying different shoes that don’t fit or don’t look right to you, but you also enjoyed the experience of going through different shoes, seeing what’s out there, and eventually finding the right pair. I realize that dating and shoe shopping are not the same, but there are similarities, and if you can look at dating at least a little bit more like shoe shopping and try to enjoy the process of learning more about other people and also about yourself – what you like, what you don’t like, what turns you on and what annoys you in people, etc., you are much more likely to not be frustrated with dating and to not think of giving up. After all, when you give you – you give up on yourself only, and it’s hardly ever worth doing.
once again you are right, arkady. it's about enjoying the time you spend with your dates as ends, rather than means, whatever the outcome.
as you said, it is not so common that your high school sweetheart becomes your wife for the rest of your life. in many cases, guys especially, go out with a lot of people and have a lot of brief relationships, especially in their early 20's when they are raging with hormones and like to play the field. there is nothing wrong with this, as long as the guy isn't abusive or cheating.
most people will settle down in their late 20's or early 30's, and in the end, they will have more knowledge, wisdom and experience at dating, than the person who never dated around because they were waiting for "ms/mr perfect". not only that, but the people who often "play the field" and screw around are going to meet so many people, that it is more likely they will find a serious committed relationship.
just my thoughts.
[Reply]
Practicalhappiness.com:
I have to thank you for pointing out the single most important piece of advice here: that there are no guarantees in any of this. If more people kept this in mind instead of going after the stupid myth that there’s “someone for everyone”, people would be a lot less cynical about dating.
Great job.
[Reply]
d Francis – It is EASY to say that the “end” should be enjoying an evening out with a
young lady ( who claimed that she wanted to come) ,rather than numbering up the result, but so many of these unhappy evenings mean that you stop asking women at all—- it was just not worth it!
[Reply]
It's kind of hard to take dating seriously when most women tend to believe that guys bring nothing to the table in any relationship.
[Reply]
It's so easy to say not to give up to your negative past and don’t become a victim of your previous dating disappointments.
I don't know about others, but I really have to work myself Up to try yet another man. After decades of it, finding no one, especially on these dating sites, do I have to keep torturing myself with "first dates" because I am alive? Honestly, the men do bring very very little to the table. The degree of sexual satisfaction is off the charts. Most of them have no money, when I am financially independent. The needle in the haystack strategy is emotionally draining, hurtful,demoralizing, and most unsettling.
Why not just let a person "settle in" and not keep seeking instead of telling them how unproductive they are for not constantly foraging. The number of good men out there is infinitesimal. And the older you get the worse it is.
I don't necessarily think I have totally given up, but after being stood up tonight, years of sexual manhandling and insensitivity, being dumped by people who I probably would have dumped anyway, and being one of the best kept secrets in the dating pool with no one to notice, I just want peace.
[Reply]
@Mickey we don’t think men bring nothing to the relationship, we just think men have all the control in the relatioship. Men call all the shots and our choice is to continue to date them on their terms or not. We seldom get to have the type of relationship we desire because they are too busy holding us at arms length, lest we get attached to them. I think this article is great and in fact, encourages me all the more that giving up on dating is the right choice for me personally.
[Reply]
@Laura:
Really? It’s kind of hard for guys to have any kind of control in a relationship when guys have to jump through all kinds of hoops just to get a date, let alone get into a relationship.
When you consider that, in this day and age, the allegedly “fair sex” get their kicks cutting guys down at the knees “just because”, there really isn’t much doubt as to who’s in “control.”
Regarding your claim that men keep women at arm’s length for fear of getting too close, I think, based on what you’re saying, a guy doesn’t want to be in a relationship where he becomes his significant other’s trained seal.
That said, I stand behind my original premise: the supposedly “fair sex” has low tolerance for, and lower expectations of men. The end result is what we have today: THEM vs. US.
That’s why I’ve given up on the farce called dating.
[Reply]
@Dave:
That is soooooo on the money!!!
[Reply]
Cindy – I keep hearing women say that there is some kind of rejection involved after a relationship “fizzles out”. There are good, good guys out here who have NEVER been to a social, the prom, been on a date or even danced with a woman because they are so bad at this. The internet is chock full of pickup artist schools lining up to take money off these men, so that they can somehow try to impress you, who you would never give a second look. THAT is
rejection and you do not seem to know much about it.
[Reply]
There are millions of men all across America that have given up on dating or even approaching women. Why? Because women are so stuck up and think that no men are good enough for them. And they treat men that way. It’s really pretty easy. I’ve heard it called “Self Worth Inflation” and other things; it goes like this. On a man’s rating scale is a 6. She’s average weight, average height, average attractiveness, normal job, education, and lifestyle. Since she got the “package” of averages; that makes her above average. She gets on Online Dating and gets 500 msgs a week from guys who think she is so hot that they all want to have sex with her. Man, she really thinks she is hot shit now. If her “attention whore” mailbox gets a little slow all she has to do is talk slutty, imply that she is open to sex right way, or post a photo from 5 years ago when she was skinny or post one with a little cleavage. That will fill her mailbox up for weeks and months to come.
So when a guy who is a 8 on the guy attractiveness scale contacts her she treats him like crap because she has a mailbox full of guys begging for her attention. And one of them might be BRAD PITT !!!
The reality is she (ms average) treats ALL GUYS LIKE CRAP. Even ones much better than herself; guys if she met in real life would be thrilled if they asked her out on a date. The problem is, this guy has been rejected by bitches like her so many times that he won’t ask her (or anyone else) out because he’s sick of being treated like dirt. Yes, he has given up. We have all given up.
[Reply]
R:
PREACH ON, FRIEND!!!
[Reply]
Hi….Happy Holidays.
My heart aches every time I see articles and comments about the horrible reasons we struggle in the dating arena. I think the dating situation is sad for all. Although it is a disppointing, it shouldn't be a "them vs. us" mentality. Everyone has something to offer regardless of individual backgrounds. If we could find ways to look beyond past hurts and see the person in front of us, then I believe dating may improve. I would love to meet someone that is willing to take that risk. I am highly educated, confident, and very well established, but it does not meam much when there isn't someone to share life with, as we are all social beings on some level. Have a great Holiday season.
[Reply]
practicalh Reply:
December 23rd, 2012 at 11:13 am
@S Great point about us v them mentality. That kind of mindset and approach never leads to anything good, but unfortunately it is marketed as the right way to be to both men and women all too often.
[Reply]
A lot of this I believe comes down to standards and physical expectations of men/ and women for that matter. Getting dates with unattractive women is very easy and if men resorted to this more often then I don’t think they would be complaining about dating. The problem is that most men including my self seek beautiful sexy bodied girls/women, or deep down know that this is what they really want so will not treat anyone other than this sincerely.
Because these gorgeous women are not easy to get and are often encumbered with various other men continuously hitting on them they often develop arrogant, ignorant attitudes towards men, which of course only makes the dating situation harder. Men will always strive for the best women they can get but finding one is often quite difficult. Once a guy has one or two targets in his sights they then have to begin the grinding endeavor, step by step journey, to get to their piece of the pie (so to speak).
Simply getting a girls number is not even the beginning of success, as any man knows. Getting a girls number is often difficult enough and usually the girls who give their numbers out straight away are often flaker’s anyway. Once the number is retrieved, the man must then calculate when to ring or txt this women, (some don’t like ringing off the bat as i’ve learned), he then must have a positive and interesting initial conversation with her, he then must decide when he will ring again to ask her out somewhere, (he must choose this place wisely as some are not all good), he then must succeed in his “initial meeting” and try to not look like a sleaze or any other generic name women give men.
Next, he must plan a second date where he can further get to know the women, preferably over drinks. Usually after this stage the women will decide whether she A) Wants to sleep with him or continue their meetings, or B) Forget about this guy all together… This tedious, lengthy and repetitive procedure just gets very tiring for a man to say the least. A man has many other interests and things going on in his life as well so why should he put all of his effort into a never ending losing battle ? Some even wonder whether the odds are against them to begin with, especially living in an area with fierce competition. And lets not forget how often do women have to go through this, seeking, inquiring, arranging, entertaining, waiting procedure ? Never… I hope I didn’t sound too negative here…
[Reply]
S:
Here are some reasons why dating has become “them vs. us:”
1) Most women believe men are expendable at best, and useless as usual.
2) Most women believe that men are the enemy.
3) If a guy is a so-called “alpha”, he’s written off as phony…but if he ISN’T an alpha, he’s a WUSS!!! Thus, a guy can’t win for trying.
4) In this day and age, an entire generation of men, after being groomed to treat women with kindness, respect, honesty and humor, are invariably lumped into the usual anti-male diatribe of “all men are…(insert insult here).”
5) Nothing a guy does is good enough for most women in this day and age.
6) The male-bashing, man-hating feminazis have taken over the debate and will kill anyone who dares to disagree with them.
So, it’s real hard for those women who claim to want a good man yet push men away at the same time. How’s that for irony?
For a lot of guys, myself included, when we’re hit with the “men suck” mentality on a regular basis every freakin’ day, it sure is hell hard (at least for me) to think that there is a special someone out there. And then, we end up too jaded and demoralized to care anymore.
You did say that you would like to meet someone willing to take the risk of dating. Sorry, but when there is no light at the end of the tunnel, taking that risk and becoming open-hearted is NOT AN OPTION!!!
[Reply]