Too many people sabotage their dating life and their romantic relationships because their thoughts and actions in a relationship are paralyzed by their fear of loss of that relationship. They treat their relationship like some kind of precious, gentle egg shell that must be preserved and protected at any cost, and many of their actions in a relationship are governed by that fear of loss in a relationship.
If you are one of those people who is really afraid that your partner will leave you, cheat on you, stop loving you, break up with you or otherwise slip away, you should be aware of one very important truth: your fear is both pointless and harmful! You have to realize and remember that there is no point in worrying about things that are simply not in your control. It so happens that there is no insurance policy against breaking up and losing your loved one. People break up and divorce after 10 or more years of being together, so it’s important to realize and accept that that risk is always there.
Fear of loss is very similar to jealousy in that it suffocates the other person, so to speak. It makes him / her that tremendous pressure of being the most important thing in your life and being the “gauge” of your happiness. Ironically, then, the more afraid you are to lose your lover, the more your actions will push him / her away from you.
It is important, therefore, to liberate yourself of this fear if you want to enjoy a good relationship and be a good partner. Here are a few steps that you can and you should take in order to abandon this fear of losing your partner once and for all:
1. Realize and remember that your partner’s actions in the future are out of your hands.
Your partner’s actions and his/her being or not being faithful don’t just depend on you and therefore you should not feel responsible for them. Accept the fact that it’s possible that your partner will leave one day. While you should focus on the positive and assume the best about your partner and about your relationship until and unless proven otherwise, the reality is that there is no insurance policy against sudden and unexpected break-ups or other bad news in a relationship. This is just part of being involved in a relationship.
2. Make sure that you do your part by doing what depends on you.
While, as noted above, how your partner behaves doesn’t wholly depend on you, your actions and what you bring to the table in a relationship is of course a major factor. Jealousy, being controlling, and watching your partner’s every step is one of the common reasons for both break-ups and infidelity. If you suffocate your partner by being jealous, controlling and overbearing, it’s only natural that he will start looking sooner or later to have more freedom alone or with someone else who allows him to have more freedom. A more free life, free of close supervision and micromanagement on the part of your partner, is a better life and that’s what anyone who feels being under the microscope will be seeking.
3. Realize that even if you lose that very special person in your life, it’s not going to be the end of the world.
You will survive that loss, if you end up breaking up with your partner, and you will move forward. It might be hard for you to believe, but there is life out there after your partner leaves you, whether you are able to believe it today or not. This doesn’t mean that you should prepare yourself for your relationship to be over, but it’s a good idea to be realistic and simply know that it’s always a possibility.
So, stop letting the fear of loss in a relationship dictate your behavior and actions. Be the best partner you can be and leave the, rest up the rest of the powers that will determine where your relationship will go. And if you end up breaking up for some petty reason, it’s a pretty strong sign that it wouldn’t have been the right person for you anyway, and it’s a blessing that you found this out sooner than later. After all, if you both feel strongly about each other, petty things should only be causing arguments and fights; not a break-up.
heartbroken isn't as bad as heartstab!
To the lady above me ^^
I just read your story and i am sorry to hear that. By what i have read you are a very strong women for the way you handled that – Full credit to you.
I was once told “You cant help what happens to you but you can help how you perceive it.” I haven’t been in your situation but i can imagine its not a nice place to be. You sound like a great mother and a very strong, and independant women.
I hope you are okay now and have moved on in your life, in every aspect.
Don’t ever regret or question why these things happen because i believe it all happens for a reason, and if you learn’t a valuable lesson from it, thats good enough. 🙂
Anyway, i purely wanted to wish you well and let you know that there is someone out there thinking of you – Even if i am on the other side of the world (Australia).
Brittany x
This article is written for me! I'm with a woman I'm really in love with. She left her husband couple yrs ago when she could not stand him anymore. Words can not describe how much i love her and everything around her (her parents, her daughter….). And naturally, I am scare of one day she will find me unsuitable and say goodbye just like what she did with her ex. I feel exactly what the author writes. It helps me find a reasonable behavior toward my fear. Thanks
You've been b*tchslapped enough without my having to add
anything more. Not by a woman, but by the ego itself. In a
sense, the key to relationships is to simply do the opposite
of what the ego would have you doing.
As a rule of thumb, the moment a woman pulls away from you
for any reason, let her go immediately. By analogy, let the
ocean waves come and go as they please, and don't try to
cling to the waves nor try to stop or push them away.
Similarly, when she comes towards you, open your arms to her
and love her, and as soon as she pulls away from you, let
her go and love her. It isn't wise to "push" nor
"pull" a woman. It's best to simply enjoy the fact that
she Exists.
It can take an entire lifetime to really "get" this simple
lesson. Once it really "clicks", the knowingness of when
to break up or not reveals itself spontaneously and
automatically, without the agony of guilt nor of having to
weigh out all of the pros and cons and to think about these
kinds of decisions endlessly. There is also no more losing
sleep or appetite.
@ Practical :
I have to disagree with that post , I am a hopeless romantic and if my guy said those things to me I would be over the top . I wish I had a man who said those things to me to hang around long enough to do them . I've found men , not all , but some , have hidden agenda's or things that prevent them from committing to such an endeavor . I think it all depends on the individual as to what works , and how things work within the relationship . I've been married to 3 men , I'm 52 , divorced for 8 years now , but in a relationship now which seems to be about to end . Not because of anything I've done but because of things I won't do . He expects me to " fight " for him . Women fall all over him , he's not rich but a do-gooder type . He does stupid things for women's attention . And this seems to be the norm of men nowadays , instead of settling down they wish to lead that "Jerry Springer" lifestyle , no disrespect to the talk show host but its tragic . I speak to women all over the net and in my Church and I hear the same thing . Men , in my opinion , seem they just can't hold a commitment as well as they did say 20 years ago . If you don't think so , turn the TV on and see how the shows go there .
would u agree if i say this writing of urs is mainly concerned wid ppl having a more sexual or flirtatious kind of relationship, when ur utmost priority is just to have as better tym as possible for as longer as possible? dont u think that when it comes to ppl who r more soulfully attached it is sometimes better to hear I WANT TO GROW OLD WID U! maybe, instead of flinching or feeling pressurized, ur partner feels more warmer towards u.n it may actually strengthen ur relationship. obviously i m not talking abt a fussy attitude which really is harmful, but i think expressing ur wish in a deep passionate way may not hurt.
What you say makes sense and it should work the way you say. However, in real life – saying things like "I want to grow old with you" or "I can't live without you" should be reserved to the very few and the most special moments such as – proposing and giving her a ring, at the wedding altar or an equally major event. Otherwise, when you say this, a woman is very likely to go "ewww" even if she doesn't show it.
i feel like am not lucky with men. well i know that during the early stage of our relationship we tend to say i cannot leave without you or the usual saying i love you so much…but this will fade away as time goes by for he said always be honest to him where in fact he is not and say everything of whats in my mind coz as much as possible we have to be honest to each other in thoughts and for everything… i started believing in this for am always looking for real love as such he will just forsake me.am sad and lonely i dont know how to carry on right away. its hard to move on real real hard am somehow tortured and suffered a lot for loving someone whom i believe never deserve the real love of mine.well got to believe in magic for i know there's always meant for me but til now am waiting never let go of the time that he will just come right on time for me to be happy eternally.