I find myself wondering at true love. At the love painted for girls, that perfect love, all encompassing. How cruel it is for society to dangle it above womens heads when in reality, it’s not a possibility. Is this what you’re saying to me? That no man knows full commitment of the mind, body and spirit? That all men are destined to always be looking else where? for more? That no man, no matter the quality of the woman he loves, will seek out the quality in others?

Does this mean that if I wish to seek out love, true, pure love, that I should look within another woman?

Forgive me all my questions, it’s just that Love confuses me so, fills me with questions that linger unanswered and fear that doubles itself in doubts. What happened to fairy tale eyes? What happened to the naivety that carried me when I was younger? I remember the feeling well. There is no room for fear when one’s so full of hope.

Now I’m jaded, and cynical, asking too many what ifs instead of basking in what is. Alas, I suppose 22 is a good age to put fairy tales behind me.

I see now, my focus shouldn’t be on trying to keep one individuals attention, but instead working on myself. The more I feed my personal passion, the more I grow as an individual, the more attractive and well rounded I will appear to others. If men are always looking, then I suppose I’ll give them something to look at. And in the meantime, I won’t hold my love to so called impossible standards. Screw monogamy. If it doesn’t exist in the mind, as far as I’m concerned, it doesn’t exist at all. I will propose an open relationship, so I don’t have to worry or try to control.

Thanks again.
Indira

Sure, some male friends are nothing but admirers who wish to get closer to you sexually and being “friends” with them is nothing more than dealing with the pressure of their advances. These are not real friends. But if you had real male friends, there was no reason to give up on them. If you chose to do so, you can’t blame your guy for that or expect him to match your sacrifices just because you made the first move in that direction.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I am not sure how you can develop fully trust and/or completely abandon jealousy. Perhaps it’s normal to be a little suspicious or jealous. Many if not most men are prone to wanting attention from other women, to having sex with other women, etc. Some control it better than others, while others don’t care much about being faithful to their dating / relationship and follow their urges, wherever and to whomever they lead them. There is no way to ensure 100% that the time you are investing in a guy will be worth it, whether you found any reasons to distrust him or not (some guys are better at hiding their secrets). Trusting him completely and abandoning all your suspicions will take time, and there is no guarantee that it will happen either. Is it possible that you would have a little suspicion and distrust no matter who you are with?

Perhaps one important step you can and should make is to accept that part about men’s (flawed) nature. This doesn’t mean that you have to accept infidelity or tolerate cheating or lying. You simply have to accept the men’s drive toward variety and novelty – that’s just what they want. Whether a man will admit it or not, on a purely sexual level, every guy would ideally want to have a James Bond lifestyle – to have affairs with multiple smart, sexy, attractive women. A woman who says in any context: “Well, what do you expect – men are dogs” is far more advanced in understanding men than someone who tries to either deny it or change it.

As to porn – there might just be a substantial memory on any guy’s computer allocated to that. There is no reason to be jealous of those women. The guys who look at them never met them and will never do. I am not sure if they want to. It’s purely a sexual stimulation. Don’t try to get into guys’ mind and understand why they like something that might be disgusting to you. You are not a guy so you won’t and you shouldn’t be able to relate. This shouldn’t be a reason to be jealous, and this should not prevent you from getting naked in front of him. After all, your guy, like any other healthy, young male is also a “dog” in a way.

I think one of the things that contributes to the toxin of these situations, is that I gave up my male friendships and my personal porn habits for his comfort WITHOUT his asking. For love.

And to feel like what I’m putting in, isn’t being matched is causing inner turmoil for me.

Please if you don’t mind help. I think we’ve read enough to reason that in this state, one cannot think clearly.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. In the beginning, he was the most jealous person I had ever been. I found myself wondering, if he can’t trust me, does this mean he doesn’t trust himself? I’ve been cheated on before and have by experience, found cheaters to be suspicious. He told me things like guys can’t be friends with girls (because the majority of my friends are male) and so on and so forth. So, with these thoughts, I started getting suspicious as he has friends that are girls. I thought there was more then friendship because his stance on the subject. When confronted, he said he only said those things out of jealousy, and girls and guys can be friends. Anyways long story short, he seems to bend rules to suit himself. I found a conversation between him and a younger girl. When I confronted him about flirting (and inviting her to our house, leaving out the fact I existed and the house was ours) He said ” I don’t know why I like flirting with her so much” and then over time back tracked his words and said it was a meaningless conversation. I love him so I dropped it. Next came porn. I found some on our computer, and I couldn’t even be naked in front of him anymore for the insecurity it invoked. When being intimate, I couldn’t enjoy myself because all I was thinking is that, I don’t measure up to the perfection that is porn. I told him how I felt and he got upset and looked me in the eye and said he would never do it again. The next week he did. Basically, I need to know, because I can’t seem to determine for myself. When to deem the person unworthy of the amount of time it takes to develop trust. It’s a fear of mine, and many others I’m sure, to spend that time and emotional effort for someone who is only going to break it all down.

I have never openly admitted that many of the reasons for our arguments have directly stemmed from my jealousy, but I can honestly say it now. I need to move past this if I want to enjoy all the great things this relationship has to offer. I am in a big rut, and want so badly to find my way out without any further self destruction.

Thanks once more

Anyway, I am aware I have the tendency to get jealous. It’s not because you think my man would cheat on me — it’s because as a girl, I KNOW there are girls out there who just wants to fish in my own pond! Guys in a relationship – whether with a girlfriend or married – ALWAYS look attractive to girls. I can never explain why but they are. Maybe because they have the quality of being capable to commit in a relationship which many many girls are looking for. And girls can just be all over your man for that. What is worrying is – will my man be strong enough to resist those temptations while he’s out alone? I know I want him and me to have our own self time away from each other but it always helps to know at least where he is going and what his activities are — and vice versa. This is called transparency. I always tell my boyfriend to be transparent with each other — he tells me, I tell him, then we go about doing our own activities. I think being transparent reduces the feeling of jealousy. I think it helps a great deal — it gives us the freedom to do our own stuff but at the same time, he knows where i am and i know where he is.

unless transparency is bad — tell me.