I am a believer in many of the traditional roles of men and women, and I think that some of us are too quick to dismiss the gender dynamics that have been established over centuries or even thousands of years. As such, I do believe that when it come to initiating a contact and making a move, it’s ultimately a man’s job to be the aggressor and to make that first move. This is one of the qualities that make a guy strong and attractive to a woman who he is approaching – seeing that he is capable of doing it and also realizing that he doesn’t wait for things to happen; he takes his life into his own hands.
However, many women face this situation over and over. There seems to be a guy they come in some kind of contact with throughout their daily life who seem to be interested but who also seems to not make a move for one reason or another. This could be someone as close as your school or other organization who you see and talk with every day, who flirts with you and asks you personal questions but who doesn’t seem to quite have what it takes to ask to see you outside of that framework. Or, it could be someone as distant as an employee of a store you frequent at, who is always extra friendly with you and tries to have a conversation with you when you come in without actually asking you out. Often, it’s a neighbor who clearly stairs at you when he sees you as long as your are in his view but never approaches you to introduce himself and talk to you. All these guys have one thing in common – they don’t make a move because they are either shy, or believe it’s inappropriate are are certain that you are not available.
So, you have a choice: waiting for one of those guys to actually make a move and ask you out or be proactive yourself. I strongly believe that being proactive brings many rewards to any person in any area of life, and these kinds situations are not an exception. If the guy is too shy or uncertain to ask you out, then this is unlikely to change in the future. If you are interested in him, you have to understand that one of you has to make a move. While you cannot make him be more outgoing or confident – at least not at that stage, you have a lot of control over what you do, and thus you should consider making a move yourself.
Many women avoid doing so many things when it comes to dating and relationships because they are concerned about being perceived needy or desperate. Ironically, it seems that not doing the things you want because of that concern of being perceived as desperate is the sign of greatest desperation of all. When you really want to do something or meet someone but you are not making a step in that direction only because you are afraid to come across as desperate, you are hurting yourself, your life, and your self esteem, as such a behavior leads to inevitable and bitter regrets for missed opportunities and other “what if’s.” Abandon that mindset! It hasn’t served you well in the past, and it won’t in the future. Instead, learn how to make a subtle, but clear, classy and witty move to let the guy know that you are a confident woman who has an edge to her. This could be as simple as walking by the guy who seems interested and suggesting to check out a new cafe in your town together. Or, it could be as fun as playfully making a comment: “Hey, just so you know – asking me out doesn’t cost anything, and… probably won’t get you arrested.” But, whatever you do will likely be better than doing nothing. And remember the obvious, by making a move you have absolutely nothing to lose. If nothing else, it will be an interesting experience.
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Im a firm believer of the guy should make a move..I think that when a man wants something he will definately go for it…no matter what.Also your chances of having a healthy rship is very high when he spots you and makes a move.Its like a leopard spoting a gazelle and runs after it till it finds it…..If he cant make a move then too bad.Every man wants a chase and when he manages to hunt his prey he will definately treasure it….
Well stated. I do think a woman can encourage a man, but he should be the initiator. It looks sexier. It shows strength and comes across as more masculine than a man who is scared and shy.
Men that do not approach women are either shy, insecure, or cocky from my observation. Also it could be sheer laziness. A cheetah chases a gazelle, a gazelle does not chase a cheetah.
It is natural for males to be the aggressor, basic primative behavior can be seen through animals themselves.
“Little things” are indicative of “big things.” If a man can’t ask a woman out so she gives in and makes that initiation, she may wind up in a relationship with him – BUT she can expect to have to make those gestures and assume a disproportionate share of emotional risk for the entirety of the relationship. If she doesn’t mind doing that, go ahead and initiate! But if she thinks it would wear her down and make her feel unloved, she’s better off passing this boy by.
Of course, expecting a woman to initiate things is not good to a relationship for many reasons, but giving the guy a green light to approach doesn’t mean she has to be in charge in everything else….
I think giving a special guy that you like the greenlight to go, but not allowing yourself to be feeling “needy/desperate” is a big thing. I’ve been seeing this guy for about a month. And we have shared a few kisses before….. but, he kissed me at the end of one particular evening and it was like “about damn time!” and I told him very pointedly but not needy, “ya know, you should kiss me more often”. Just like that! It felt good to say that! And I feel that that was letting him know, “yeah I like you”…but you have to make more moves becuase I told you I liked that!
That’s my 2 cents
ANY guy will go out with a girl that asks (unless he’s already with a girl he likes), for at least the most basic reason of sex. Men are programmed to do that, and although we can control it psychologically with self-control, that’s something many people lack today.
But if a guy asks a girl out, he thinks she’s special. I have no idea how women think, since I’m a guy, so it’s often hard to tell if a girl’s interested or not cause rejection sucks. But it seems like women are more insecure than they appear and situations of asking a girl out often progress into relationships that reveal the truth of this idea.
absolutely the guy needs to make the first move….for all the reasons above. It doesn’t mean he has to make every move thereafter, but a woman will never know if a guy is really interested in her if she makes the first move, because me will tend to say yes if a woman is initiating. I have known this lesson for 20 years and I stupidly made the first move (sexually) on a guy recently and after a month last night he broke things off and said something like “YOU got things going. I wasn’t sure how I felt about you yet at that point, but you always seemed more into me than I was into you” which wasn’t true, I just wanted to sleep with him and thought I would get things going, but it was very ouchy to hear what I already knew guys think if you’re the one who makes the first move. If a guy wants a woman he will muster the courage. And as said above a woman can do a lot to indicate he’s interested but if he doesn’t step up you are going to find yourself pushing things along because he will have taken a passive role from the get-go, which most men and women (not all) prefer not to be the case and will cuse trouble later on. If he is too passive (or not interested or cocky or lazy) to not make a move, this is probably not the right guy for the woman.
Thanks for your feedback. It’s quite interesting that while some women want men to take charge, others like when guys are actually passive and very subtle. I am not sure how much one can assume about a woman, her character, personality, and sexuality based on that fact alone, but I would think that it makes some statement about who she is, her sexuality and her idea of what romance is.
Surely it depends on the situation? If you like someone a lot and you kow they’re not going to initiate anything then you just ‘initiate’ it yourself no matter whats considered ‘right’.
i honestly think. if a man comes off as being extremely into you. and, doesnt initiate a kiss or a further promising relationship. then hes a coward and doesnt feel that he can measure up to the woman. therefore thats why he wants the woman to make the move. hes afraid of rejection. so, ladies dont give him the benefit of the doubt!! run like hell. find a confidant man!!!!!! yo yo
Honestly, all my married friends are relationships where the woman asked the man out. Just be sure that when you ask a guy out, you ask out a NICE NORMAL REGULAR GUY who is the marrying kind, and not one of those really hot jerk types that get tons of chicks.
I am a guy and it is not necessarily up to her to make the first move, but a green light is nice. Think of it in the form of a metaphor. A man and a woman on opposite sides of a locked door. We speak to eachother, and seem to like eachother, but neither knows where it will go. Simply the sound of her unlocking the door should be all he needs to open that door and walk through. Subtle is fine. And a man should make a move, but in this day and age it is nice to have a little hint.
“Hey, just so you know – asking me out doesn’t cost anything, and… probably won’t get you arrested.”
Here in Sweden you could actually get arrested or at least be reported to the police if approaching a girl on wrong place and asking her out (every place which doesn’t include alcohol or your friends contacts). The chances aren’t that big but the probability exists.
what’s wrong with you people, it’s def. ok I mean most guys even think it’s hot, I asked out a shy guy and it worked out fine.
I agree With you Elizabeth you women should be able to ask a man out if you want or throw away all the rights and freedoms women have gained throughout the last century.
I’m a shy guy but girls were I come from don’t really have a problem asking me out
The man may be clueless rather than cowardly. A girl who gets around flirts with me for the longest time, while I am in a regime of home->school->home with nothing in between. I am not afraid to make a move, but cannot imagine a single place to “ask her out”. I wish her to just ask me out, especially since her attention is glaringly obvious. I understand this situation is atypical, but very possible; for example, maybe the man is new in the country and the woman happens to speak his language.
I agree with most of the comments above – men SHOULD make the first move. I think that if a woman initiates a relationship by asking the man out, the man may say yes because he’s bored, or there’s no better options lying around… my advice is to give the man space. Hang out with him, show him what a fun person you are and have an amazing time… then give him space. Give him a chance to miss you. Give him a chance to want to see you again, and be the one to initiate things. That way, you’ll know that his feelings are genuine, and he’s not seeing you just because it’s convenient.