How to Deal with a Jealous Boyfriend

jealous boyfriendOne of the most common reasons that girls break up with their boyfriends is that these guys become more and more jealous, controlling and possessive. Male jealousy can have many forms, and handling it can be a serious challenge for the women they date.  Some guys are so jealous and controlling that they don’t even let their girlfriends go out on their own with their friends, because they are afraid that some other guy will seduce her and take her away. Other guys tell their girlfriends what to wear, how to keep their hair, who to hang out with, what to eat, and otherwise trying to control their life.

A woman who is in a relationship with a jealous and controlling guy will sooner or later feel very unhappy and even suffocated. As a result, she will start losing interest and attraction for that guy. This is because women love and respect confidence, and jealousy as well as being controlling is one of the most prominent signs of lack of the most unattractive insecurity. Then, the break-up will surely be inevitable. Ironically, the stronger the guy’s feelings are toward the girl he is with, and the fewer girls he has been with, the more jealous he is likely to be.

Why Are So Many Guys Jealous and Controlling in a Relationship?

I believe there are two main reasons for this. First, many guys expect their girlfriend to be perfect. If a guy really likes the girl he is with, he wants everything in that relationship to be perfect, which in his mind means – everything has to be his way because he knows best.  This translates into having an expectation that the girl  will be “perfect” in a way that they imagine that perfect to be to be, so they try to adjust who she is, how she acts, and how she lives her life to their own standard of perfection.

The second reason for this jealousy is fear of losing the girl, and the more special she is to the guy, the greater that fear is, especially if he thinks that she is one of a kind, and he will never meet anyone like her. That guy is going to be worried more often than he should that the special girl he is dating is going to slip away, or some other guy, who has more of anything to offer, is going to take her away. Thus, these guys try to keep their partner away from any “threat.” At first, a girl might be flattered by such attention, thinking that the guy really cares about her. It’s only a matter of time, however, until the girl realizes that the reason the guy is so territorial about her is not because of who she is but because of his own insecurity about her and himself.

How to Deal with Your Boyfriend’s Jealousy

So, how do you deal with your boyfriend’s jealousy and control issues?

Some girls give in to jealousy and try to do whatever they can to please the guy. However, this usually only makes the problem worse, legitimizing the guy’s jealousy in his eyes and taking it to another extreme. By nature, the more we get away, the further we go, so this is a bad idea.

Other girls imply walk away from a relationship with a jealous boyfriend, not being able to tolerate that kind of treatment and lack of basic freedom and trust from their partner. In many cases, walking away is the only option, as many guys are chronically unable to admit that they are pathologically jealous and as a result don’t even try to do anything to overcome their jealousy issues.  If you really love the guy, however, and you are committed to at least doing what you can to make the relationship work, it’s worth at least trying to fix the problem before you leave him. Address jealousy as soon as possible. The first and the necessary step that every jealous guy should take is to realize and acknowledge that he has a problem – that his behavior is irrational and detrimental to the relationship. Have him read this article on overcoming and abandoning jealousy, which will provide very simple yet very practical steps on handling this problem. For many people this article is an eye-opener and is a start to a completely new outlook on their partner and on their relationship.

Like any other challenge, overcoming jealousy is not a matter of reading one article or getting one tip from a friend. There are no overnight solutions to this problem. But if your boyfriend recognizes both, his problem and the fact that it takes work and serious self reflection to overcome his jealous an control issues, this will make his success in overcoming those issues far more likely.

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  • Cari Mendes

    how are you doing? have you visit Dr Twaha? he bring back my husband i think you should get in touch with him. his email is dr_twaha@dr.com

  • Serah

    My situation is weird, I don’t know if my boyfriend is jealous or in secured or I’m the wrong person in this situation. I been with my boyfriend for 2 yrs now at first I kinda like it because I felt protected by my boyfriend but it’s getting to a point where I felt like he is trying to turn me into a different person. I’m the type of person who gets along with everybody and I will talk to you unless you gave me a reason not to. If a guy said hi to me or I said hi to a guy he gets so irritated even if he’s an older man. When we first moved in to our apartment, we were walking outside the apartment and one of the guy (I think he’s 40 yrs older than me) yelled out to him “why you with my girl”. The guy didn’t know that we live in the same apartment. He talked to him about it a couple days after and he apologizes and we were cool. We have a share balcony and this old man is there every single day, and every time we go outside to smoke I would say hi to anyone who is out there and he gets piss and told me why you always be the first one to say hi. One time he was at work and one of our neighbor he is an older man too (he can be my grandpa) came with his daughter knocking on our apartment asking if we have a spare propane because he ran out in the middle of his bbq. I know the reason why he came to us because there are only 2 grills in our apartment level one is his and one is ours. When I told him about it he gets so mad and said that the neighbor was out of line, he should’ve asked him, he is the man of the house, he knew he was at work that’s why he came knocking on the door. I told him, he was at work and there’s no way he would have known that he’s at work. But he was still mad. This morning, we were on our way out and I stopped by the mail box to check my mail, that same neighbor walked by, I didn’t see him but I heard him say good morning to my boyfriend on our way out my boyfriend was putting stuff in the trunk and I saw the same neighbor so I said good morning, and he said have a good day to me. My boyfriend gets in the car he was furious, he said “he said a half a** good morning to me and as soon as he sees you he said have a great day and he was staring at me the whole time I was standing by the mailbox”. He said next time he come knock on the door I will punch him in the face. I felt like he wanted me to keep to myself and talk to no other guy but him. It’s not like I’m flirting with them, it’s just a friendly conversation, they’re my neighbors and I’m not gonna just walk by and ignore them that’s not me. Sometimes he’ll take a nap, if I wanted to just go sit outside the balcony, I don’t know how, but for some reason as soon as I open the door he jump up and ask me where Im going and all of a sudden he’s awake and wanted to go sit outside at the balcony. If we go out to the club he’s not paying attention to me, he is more focus on who’s looking at me. I always try to make him feel comfortable every time we go out, I would kiss him and hold his hand just to make him feel more comfortable but if he notice a guy looking at me, he would told me that he’s tired he want to go home or he want to go somewhere else and there has been a couple of occasion where he’ll walk over to the guy and asked him what’s up. I don’t think I ever gave him a reason to be in secured and not to trust me. I can’t walk down the street by myself without him tagging along. He doesn’t go to his friends house as often as he used to, and if he does he will be gone for an hour the most, I’m sure he’s scared that I will take a walk around the block by myself and guys will talk to me. When I’m by myself, sometimes (rare) I will walk to the store or just walk around the block because I sit at work all day. If I go with my friend, who I barely see since we moved (at least once in every 3 months) to the bar just to have a drink and catch up he will tag along and just sit there and drink and it annoys me. I didn’t tell him because I was the one who asked him if he wants to go, I asked him because I know how he is and just to show him I’m not going bar to meet someone else and I don’t want to argue with him if I told him I’m going to the bar with my friend and I thought he would say no, but every time I asked him he always say yes. He is a great guy, he treats me well but his insecure is driving me crazy. I fell like, I can’t talk to anyone or laugh at a guy’s joke just to make him happy, I feel uncomfortable doing that because that’s not who I am and every time I try to defense myself we get into a huge fight and he told me that I have a bad judgment. I don’t know what to do.

  • Jonessa

    This is very true. At first I was like “yeah hes so sweet to guard me” but then everytime some boy text me or chat around me he eventually gets jealous. Without asking who is he, he even got jealous of my girl friend that was named after a boy, when he read in my inbox her name. He always checks my emails and messages. Always view my history of whom I viewed. As of now, i really think its really really insane. And it freaks me out. I dont think I like his comoany anymore. It seems like he wants go tie me up on chains, he wants to be the only man/boy who will go near me. I dont want hin anymore.

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  • MASON N.W

    i’m a jealous type of guy,never really thought i was good looking,always thought i was ugly and still do
    ,it’s always be me and mother since i’m an only child and my father chose to abandon me,i was actually happy when my mother lost what would have been my twin brother and sister as it meant i wouldn’t have to share her,even got mad at her for a month when she helped another child who was having a seizure,mind you she’s a registered nurse so she was doing her job,i’ve been spoiled as a child and got mad at relatives for showing affections to other young one in my family,and that carried over into my adult life as i have never been in a long standing relationship, my one time long distance girlfriend broke up with me because my jealous was out of control,animalistic in her words, so i decided that it’s best that i stay single,because my jealousy can be ott possessive bordering on animalistic at times,and you know what i’m happier because of it. i guess i never saw myself as good enough and always believed that because of that i had to fight to keep what i felt was mine, had to hold on to it tight,and i’m still the same way today

  • Lily Zumaeta

    Thank you for your advice!

  • Well, it sounds like he is the one who should be looking for help and guidance. My only advice to you is to under no circumstances agree to move in, marry, etc… until this issue fully resolves, if at all.

  • Lily Zumaeta

    We had a conversation about him taking dance lessons last week. This particular dance is very sensual and you dance very close to your partner. I mentioned that it made me feel uncomfortable but if it made him happy I would support it. He got upset because he “I must have danced this before” (and yes I have when single), and he added that if I danced it before why can’t he now. I explained whatever happened before I even knew him should not matter, but he only gets incresingly upset. He just told me that ever since that conversation he can’t stop thinking about my past. Now, I don’t have a crazy past, nor have I had a lot of partners, but I have been married before. He can’t get over this. I think the dance conversation is what triggered this obsession, he seems to cling on to this a has told me he refuses to let it go.

  • I really think you should try to find out what triggered it. One mistake a lot of people make is thinking that getting closer or marrying will “smoothen” things out and make problems go away. These types of issues need to be worked out before you tie the knot, that’s for sure.

  • Lily Zumaeta

    I have not asked directly, no. However, he always did seem very uncomfortable whenever, we would talk of the past. He always said it bothered him to know, but seemed to get over it quickly. However he has recently started reacting to it, even when we aren’t talking about it. Like, anything I say triggers him to remember what I’ve told him from the past. And now seems to judge me for it. I think the distance is also getting in the way, but there is really nothing I can do about that right now.

  • Hello, Lily. I am sorry about your situation. If I understand correct, this is something that has developed recently, even though you have been together for a while. If so, is there any way for you to find out what triggered this jealousy issue? Did you ever ask him directly why all of a sudden this became an issue and if so – what is his response?

  • Lily Zumaeta

    My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. We have made plans for me to relocate and get married but that can’t happen for another year. He has recently become obsessed over my past. States it bothers him to know I’ve been with other people, that he wishes we had met 15 years ago so that today, and we wouldn’t be physically separated and I wouldn’t have a history with anyone else. I love my boyfriend and I want to have a future with him. He admits he has a jelousy issue, but thinks nothing will help him. He gets very upset when I tell him the past doesn’t exist, and that he is my present. I know he has a history of abandonment from his family and rejection from a past relationship. So I think this is what makes him so insecure. I have offered to take self improvement classes together, suggested him to go to counseling, but he does not want to try any of it. I do want to try all I can to save this relationship. What can I do?

  • You are welcome. I appreciate the you love him, but I always say that 10 great qualities will not make up for certain things that are deal breakers (whether they are permanent or temporary issues).

  • Afro royalty

    Thanks @praticalh. I do love him but I think this is the best, and if I have to take him back it would be after much hard work on his part. and like you said, my well being and safety is my biggest issue, because so much intense jealousy comes with violence and I wouldn’t want to get hurt.

  • Based on what you are describing, you are absolutely right to call it off. The guy needs to do a lot of work on himself and his jealousy issues before he can be ready for any relationship. If he doesn’t realize that he has a problem, there is not much you can or should do to help you. It’s a good idea to stay away for your own well being and safety.

  • Afro royalty

    I just had another fight with my BF. Ever since we met, he’s had passwords to my everything, he even told me one day I told him I was at work that he noticed from my find my iPhone that I was home, he signs in and goes through my social media messages, he picks a fight with me over my ex, saying “I should hate my ex” he stopped me from speaking with my make friends and acquaintances and the only one male friend I have left brought this last fight after he saw a funny message were my friend (Fred) said “he’s horny, and asked me if I ever kissed a girl which I replied no and asked him, “where does your head go sometimes”. He laughed and nothing more was said, since then my BF won’t stop obsessing about it, he’s been asking about fred and saying he’s so mad, so today I just couldn’t take it no more and when he brought it up again I said stop it and I told him ,”guys will like me and girls will like you, important is that we only Iove and want each other so stop it” he said “how would you feel if I said this things to a girl and I replied him that this things are said to me and not me saying iT to them, but he’s more upset that I don’t snap at Fred when he sends such messages. he still didn’t stop and started asking about our (mine and Fred’s) video chat conversations Fred and i had before we met, so this time I just went crazy and reigned insults on him and told him to find someone else. Because I really never had such an experience and he’s chocked me too far with this. I want to know. Am I crazy or was it right to call it off?

  • Pingback: How to Deal with The Jealous Partner – Fitnesnews24.com()

  • In this situation, he is the one who needs advice. First, he needs to recognize that he has an issue that he needs to work on – i.e. wanting you all to himself. It’s flattering on one hand, but on the other hand it can be suffocating to you, and that’s something he needs to recognize before starting to work on this and learning how to give you the space you need. One of the options that can and should be considered is maybe trying to include him into some of the things you do with friends, if at all possible.

  • CatFaceArtist

    My boyfriend loves me and I love him too. But more often than not lately we get in these ridiculous fights over what time I get off of work and the friends I have made there. He is very passively jealous so it is hard to point it out to him. He just labels me as being obsessive about wanting friends (I just moved to this town to go to college with him and I knew no one, it was very lonely when he was working all the time) and says that he doesn’t have any friends, that I am his best friend. He is my best friend as well, but I need some feeling of belonging in this town, in my job, my family is 3 hours away, my hometown 9. Then again I moved us here. How does one address a passively jealous boyfriend, I want to marry him, but sometimes it is too much and seems unnecessary.

  • Am

    Threatened to Kill you? Are you kidding me? And you are still thinking about staying or leaving?

  • Martha Adame

    I’m n the same boar as u! He’s n he’s late 50’s and I’m n my early 50’s. And he BREATHES 4 ME.

  • Lisa

    It’s typical in America and Canada too. In fact male jealousy is a sign that a guy loves you as well.

  • Lisa

    It is also prevalent among North American men, especially in terms of racism, religious discrimination, ethnocentrism, and xenophobia towards other men of differing backgrounds talking to their wives or girlfriends.

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  • Staying with the guy who makes your life so miserable is hardly a good idea. It’s bound to make you suffer instead of looking for happiness elsewhere. This is regardless of what his race is (or yours).

  • Lisa

    Male jealousy is also a North American, Latin American, Asian, Eastern European, and Middle Eastern thing as well. What’s worse is these males are violent. This is why women avoid men from those countries/continents because of fear they will be killed. They’d rather date and marry men from more progressive societies like Scandinavians, Aussies, French, Germans, or Dutch for example because these men are less jealous and possessive and are willing to let their wives and girlfriends hang out with other men. I’m currently with an Asian-American man my Asian immigrant parents set me up with. He has me all locked up and won’t even let me go anywhere without him nor my family He’s racist towards others and doesn’t trust anyone that doesn’t have the same culture, like White people for example. He thinks all White people are bad, irresponsible, and selfish because of their individualistic culture and brags about how Asians are better because they are family-oriented and collectivist. And my parents tell me I should stay married to him due to this when I want to leave but it’s so difficult.

  • Lisa

    I think he likes this girl with a boyfriend.

  • FrillArtist

    The consensus from these feminized dating “advice” websites is always; when a guy is jealous, he is paranoid and it’s his fault. When a woman is jealous, she has a good hunch, it’s the guy’s fault and he should do something to reassure her.

    What a load of crap.

  • This is an unfortunate and common problem. Many of us become victims of our past. Even though we realize that just because one or two people have done something bad or dishonest, it doesn’t mean that the rest of the world is like that, the loss of trust is there.
    My answer is this – if he is that great and he actually understands that he has a problem and he is willing to work on it, then you should give it shot as it’s not an insurmountable problem. If he is in denial, and his jealousy continues to get worse and worse, getting way before it goes out of control is probably a good solution.

  • Sam

    Trust me if a guy was to love you he wouldn’t put you through this, trust me girl get out of this relationship as soon as you can tell him how you feel. If he can’t value you then you have to value yourself!

  • Sam

    I just read your two stories and I am a 17 year old girl who left the boy that I been loving since I was 15 due to the fact that he was very jealous and possessive. You have to take control of your life and the sooner you start the better. We weren’t even in a relationship anymore we would just argue I got tired or it and of him I just left him 5 days ago. And these five days have been really hard. But what I recommend if for you to get yourself really busy all the time, the less time you have the less you’ll think of him and when it comes to night you’ll be tired and just fall asleep. It’s okay to cry, many girls been through this and they got out of it and now they are happy. If they can do it we can also do it!

  • Lisa

    Especially with the comments he made about women playing the field as if he wants women to be his slave and not talk to other guys nor work with them at all. He sounds like he could be an abusive person.

  • It sounds like Gary might have had a number of really bad experiences with women one after the other and therefore he might be a bit jaded. A few good experiences dating great women will probably turn that around, but his view and frame of mind are unlikely to change until then.

  • Lisa

    Gary seems very insecure about women playing the field and wanting a variety of different men. But anyway, women get the worst press in the media by being labeled as maneaters. He sounds like an abusive boyfriend here.

  • Lisa

    @gary-Women are labeled worse as maneaters that many of them get killed. Maneater is a derogatory term.

  • @ Tina. Thanks for sharing your experience with a jealous guys. Indeed, often doing the right thing is not easy because you don’t necessary stop loving or feeling attached to someone just because you are jealous.

  • Tina

    My now finally ex boyfriend had extreme jealousy issues. Took me 6 years to realize how bad HIS SICKNESS was. The love I had for him in the past disappeared into nothing. I resent wasting many years with him. From my experience these men lie about their past. Alot of them tell you they were cheated in when in fact they were the ones doing the cheating. They lie about thier Abusive nature and go to great lengths to portray themselves as a great guy, only at the beginning. After they have you in their claws they start to slowly reveal who they really are. They are not in any way shape or form a guy for any girl to be with. They know that but they don’t care because they use you for their selfish means. Get out as fast as you can and go out there and find a normal guy. There is plenty of great guys who are mentally healthy. Don’t lower your standards for hell on earth. Don’t listen to their pity stories, don’t feel sorry for them, they really don’t care about woman. They will never change unless they go thru years of therapy. Leaving was tough at the beginning of knowing him but after spending years with Brutus, I lost all feelings. When he used to rage against me, I actually started laughing at him cause he looked so stupid. That would enrage him even more but I couldn’t stop laughing at his histrionics. He will find his next victim, and she will eventually leave for greener pastures like all his exes.

  • Dear Aline,

    It sounds like your boyfriend could greatly benefit from reading the articles on jealousy on this site. If he is the one who has a problem, he should be the source of the solution too.

  • Aline

    I live in Italy and I’m dating an American guy who I met during my exchange program last year. We’ve been dating for a few months now and he is really jealous. All his ex girlfriends were assholes so I understand why he doesn’t trust me completely, but now that I’m going to school he gets upset even about what kind of clothes i wear (and I mean about things like wearing tight pants, not like me going to school wearing only underwear or anything like that). I trust him, because I love him and I think trust is important.. I would never cheat on him and I love him. I don’t know if he is the man of my life, I’m not taking my future for granted but right now it’s him I want to be with. Still it would be nice if there was a way to have him trust me more or being less controlling. He doesn’t even want me to go out with my friends if there are any guys around. It’s hard since we’re so far away but he should trust me a little more. And try not to control my life.

  • at Gary – there are different reasons why girls act that way. Some just need constant attention and validation from other guys or the just enjoy flirting, while others feel that they don’t get enough attention from their partner, so they are looking for it elsewhere. In any event, trying to talk about it openly and honestly without necessary turning it into finger pointing or a fight should be the next step.

  • gary

    Sorry but women are very sneaky and will tell white lies to avoid making a problem worse, for example my girl girlfriend has joined a walking club where she has become friends with some man and is constantly messaging him and they are very flirty messages – now i am in the wrong to read those messages but why do women have to be so flirty. It’s okay psycho analysing men and why they are jealous but the real question is, why are women such flirty tarts? Men get a bad press in the media, labelled as womanisers – women need to take responsibility here too!!!

  • practicalh

    I always wondered how much we can really blame our parents and our past for not being able to maintain stability in our own relationships. Do you think the problem is reversible with or without professional intervention such as therapy or relationship counseling?

  • Lisa

    Boys who grow up with absent, neglectful, emotionally unavailable mothers can end up having difficulty trusting females, especially if the mother wasn’t committed to the father. That’s where abusive personalities in males also stem from. Having an absent mother.

  • Lisa

    Men can never trust women at all and they hate to be preyed on by women which is why they want to be in control. It makes them not so foolhardy. It’s difficult for women to fool men. Men are never naive because they don’t trust people. And men are far more whiny and emotional as well.

  • @ Lisa
    Yes, it's a sad reality but we and our actions are inevitably a result of our own experience and upbringing. It's hard for anyone to believe in true love, loyalty, etc… if they don't have a good example at home. Growing up in a broken home will likely lead the child in that home toward a similar destiny. That's not to say that he or she can't break away from that, but conscious effort, reflection and timely professional intervention will likely be required.

  • Lisa

    I had a high school friend whose brothers were very possessive and jealous over their girlfriends and crushes because of their mother cheating on their father and she had several boyfriends who couldn't trust her either. She cheated on all of them just like what her mother did to their father as well. Even my own brother gets so attached to girls so easily and gets possessive because my mother never spent enough time with my father (who spent so much time with us) nor my brother and I. She was always working late and she walked out on my father as well.

  • Lisa

    Girls check out men a lot but they are called sluts and whores for it. I know a lot of guys who expect girls to ogle other guys in front of them and then abuse them for it. Girls who treat guys like sex objects are punished and shamed. Check out this blog and the comments below. http://hellburns.blogspot.com/2012/07/movies-magi

  • Lisa

    Women in male dominated fields are also at risk for having abusive husbands or boyfriends who are jealous.

  • Chelsea

    Thankyou I thought that to. He's learnt his lesson now

  • Guys enrage for that exact reason – because we don't expect women to check out other guys, or at least check them out in a way that's as obvious as we, guys, check out women.

  • Lisa

    It's not rare for girls to stare at other guys while in a relationship. It's very common and guys do easily become enraged when girls stare at other guys in front of them, especially male movie stars, singers, male models, male athletes, etc.

  • @ Lisa. That's an interesting point. I think it's more shocking to guys when girls stare at other guys because generally it's so much rare than when the guys check out other girls.

  • Lisa

    Also, guys with self image and body issues are more likely to be jealous and insecure, especially if you girls are ogling hot, muscular, yet Photoshopped guys in front of them, especially on TV, for instance.

  • Lisa

    Women don't want commitment from men. For many young men, they would have affairs with older married women because they don't have many other men throwing themselves at them than their husband. Young women their age cannot commit to them because they have other men throwing themselves at them, including older, single desperate men.

  • Lisa

    Jealousy is very common among both Asian and North American men. The reason why it's also common among Asian men is because they are like their strict parents.

  • @ Chelsea. That's stranger. There is no reason for your boyfriend to be angry. You have done the right and the classy thing. There is absolutely no reason to be so rude and in-your-face with someone. Ignoring was the right thing to do.

  • Chelsea

    A guy from my past messaged me but I ignored it I told my boyfriend though and he got angry at me. Saying I should of stuck up for him I should I told him to F off and never message me again. But I don't like violence and that so I just ignored the message . I don't get it after 2 and a half years he still acts this jelous and protective . Like I didn't tell that guy to message me I didn't even write back. He got angry at me when I didn't even do anything 🙁

  • @ Lisa. On the other hand, for many younger guys, having an affair with an older, attractive, experience woman is a dream come true. They often don't expect any particular commitment from those women and neither can they offer the same.

  • Lisa

    With so many philandering women out there, including married mothers who philander, a lot of young men have difficulty trusting women, that they will enslave them to make sure they love them only and not other men.

  • shelby

    …Mandy is absolutely CORRECT. Men that demonstrate these behaviours WANT to make it about YOU..not about THEM and thier own insecurity issues. I loved the analogy about the ' Science project". spot on. They WANT YOU to ' fix' thier issues, or put blame on YOU , misguided as that may be…because that , in itself is FAR far easier than actually having to take some responsibilty for thier own issues, address them and GROW and become enlightened.

  • Lisa

    The reason why North American men get jealous and possessive real easily is because they are instructed by puritanical/Evangelical beliefs to keep women in line and also, they tend to be very insecure.

  • Lisa

    Jealousy is very prevalent among North American men too, especially in terms of racism, xenophobia, ethnocentrism, and religious prejudice towards other men. You hear of North American men killing their wives or girlfriends out of jealousy in the news. It happens a lot.

  • @ Lisa

    Thanks for sharing your experience. I am not so sure that this kind of jealousy is more prevalent among American men than others, but assume that you deal with this issue repeatedly, here are a few suggestions:

    * When out with both your boyfriend and male friends, make sure you are not being overly flirtatious and suggestive with those other guys. Everyone likes attention and everyone likes to feel wanted, but a boyfriend is less likely to be jealous if you don't act in a way that would suggest like you are trying to seduce someone.

    * Try not to rub your friendship in your boyfriend's face. He doesn't need to hang out with you and your male friends every time you are with them. If you can separate the two to the extent possible, that would be better. Of course, if he finds out, this might make even more jealous and suspicious, but you should figure out how to make the "out of sight / out of mind" work for him in this situation.

    * Don't be out too late with your male friends. A boyfriend might assume that if you are out in bars and clubs with male friends, this means that you are either bored or not fulfilled with your current relationship and are looking for something else on a side, regardless of whether it's true or not.

  • Lisa

    And if a guy's mother has cheated on his father with other men while growing up, it can make him real jealous and possessive. Boys who have mothers who cheat on their fathers are more likely to grow up to be this way with women they get involved with and girls are more likely to grow up cheating on their husbands or boyfriends. Same thing with having an (emotionally) absent mother who abandoned him and his father. Boys with absent mothers are also more likely grow up to be jealous and possessive over women as well. Male jealousy is also more likely to stem from mother absence, mothers who sleep around while married to the fathers, mothers abusing fathers, etc. Women who cheat in marriages and relationships also cause their sons to be jealous and possessive over their wives or girlfriends as they get older because these women are setting a bad example, even for their daughters. Girls who have mothers like this will also end up with jealous and possessive husbands or boyfriends as well. In other words, girls with these types of mothers grow up to not be trustworthy while boys with these types of mothers grow up to not trust women they get involved with.

  • Lisa

    Male jealousy is also an American thing too. You hear of American guys being possessive and territorial over their wives or girlfriends, especially when some handsome foreign guy comes along and crosses their vision of path, for example. Yes, American guys will flip out when American girls interact with foreign guys and they will also flip out if you've cheated on past boyfriends or husbands as well and will want you to dress dull if you're very attractive like what you've learned on What Not To Wear which is to blame for you making guys feel insecure, jealous, and intimidated. In addition to that, they will prevent you from associating with other guys and having guy friends. The reason why American and Italian men get jealous is because there's a huge abundance of men to compete with in USA and Italy, for instance. Even Eastern European countries and Russia are just as bad like any other male-heavy/abundant society as well as in Asia, Mid-East, and Latin America which is worse. Canada is just as bad too. And for guys, trying to get a wife or girlfriend in Italy, USA, Eastern Europe, or Russia is dangerous as well. It's not only difficult to find one. It's just that North American, Italian, Eastern European, and Russian men can beat or kill you for talking to their wives, girlfriends, or women they are interested in. Yes, I've experienced North American guys getting jealous of me talking to foreign guys in their languages since I'm multilingual even though there may be nothing wrong with that but when they get really jealous, they try to prevent me from talking to other guys and going out on my own in which there are guys who they think are ugly and crazy that would throw themselves at me just because they accuse me of liking those guys when I don't. Is there any way to talk to guys and have guy friends without certain other guys getting extremely insecure, intimidated, and possibly jealous since I'm normally a sociable, yet multilingual person, who likes hanging out with guys a lot?

  • My pleasure. Best of luck to you. And remember – a better girl is coming. Just watch and see. 😉

  • Really thanks i ws really confused nw i m free.bt really will

    Take time to move on from her.Thanks to u.

  • It sounds like she is really confused and doesn't know what she wants, so you are better off staying away from her to avoid an obviously inevitable disappointment.

  • She herself mssgd me and called me then we chatted for a month.

    After that she mssgd me dont col or txt me again that her boyfriend has

    Seen the texts and he doesnt liked it "i m so sorry bt he doesnt wnt me to

    Talk to u"i hvnt mssgd her after that.what should i do????

  • You should have a direct and honest conversation with her to find out how she feels about you, him and what it is that she wants exactly. It's much better than wondering and trying to read her thoughts.

  • Hi, i want to ask a question that i luv a girl she is in relation with other

    Guy but she roams with me and give all signs she loves me but at the while

    I heard that she is roaming with any other guy also.Is she a good girl or

    She loves his guy or flirty with evry one.They hve breakup many times

    Bcz of me bt evn she get back to him and that guy dnt loves her.i m little

    Confused please help me?

  • It sounds to me like it's time to go to the police as soon as possible.

  • Problem is that when i say i will leave her he

    Beats me up and dnt let me go.please if ull

    Advice it will be helpful.

  • Physical violence should be a total and absolute deal breaker regardless of how you feel about him. For your own sake and safety you should stay from any guy who physically abuses you.

  • He needs to realize that this kind of control over you and seclusion only makes him more unattractive and pushes you away.

  • Interesting…. I supposed jealousy must be interpreted in a culture context.

    Italian men, as a whole, must be better at accepting female nature with of its typical idiosyncrasies. This is a gross generalization of course, and like any other stereotype should be taken with a grain of salt. Italian men (and women) come in all shapes, sizes, and needless to say – with very different personalities.

  • Kelsey Esquivel

    I think this is an "Italian" thing. I love in the USA too and am dating a man living in Italy. He is jealous and suspicious too. But I've learned that it is in there culture and mature to be of leap is nature. Thankfully my Italian boy is not as bad as some of the me. There. But he is bad about being suspicious. Makes it hard too especially when you live In different time zones. He once accused me of flirting when I asked for bread at a bakery!?? But I love him for so many other reasons. I'm hard to deal with, I complain a lot, whine, typical girl things. But he deals like a champ. Got to love them Italians! Hope all works out with you

  • the best thing you can do is to gently direct him to articles on this site. He is the one who needs to take action, but first he needs to become aware and acknowledge his jealousy problem. Being open with each other instead of being accusatory will be critical to overcoming this problem and to your ability to move forward. If you can think of any good movie that you like that show the devastating effect of similar kind of jealousy, you should watch it with him. That also might be a wake up call for him.

  • hurt & depressed

    When ii met my now bf, ii had fallen head over heels in love with him, he's a great man ii mean he cooks breakfast before he goes to work, he cooks dinner when he comes home, has my bath water ran for me when ii get off, and a nice body massage every night…pay day he hands over over 90 percent of his check to me……but then here comes the jealousy, lately it's been like everyday for like the past month, if I'm not by his side then he thinks I'm up to no good….I've tried go ensure him that ii love him and ii don't want no one but him, then he's always crying and apologizing that he will change, he's just so use to being cheated on…so I'm fed up & tell him that ii can't do it no more, then he brings a knife out & threatens to kill himself if ii ever leave him cause he can't live without me…mind you he has never put his hands on me but I'm to the point I'm scared of leaving him cause ii don't want him to harm himself, where he use to make me so happy I'm now sad & depressed, someone please help me, idk what to do

  • Thanks for sharing your interesting situation. 21 & 47 is quite an age difference by any standard. And your relationships proves an reminds to all of us not to underestimate the power of sex. Great sex is not that common and once you find it, it can be quite a bond. I am not sure what your specific question is, so please clarify and we will follow up.

  • John

    I just turned 21 and my Girlfriend 47. (she would kill me if she saw this post about her age thinking someone would find out i was talking about me and her haha..) She is absoultly beautiful and takes my breath away. Ever so i have had a hard family life dealing with being taken away from my mother. I, myself, have knowlege of craving an older women because my mother lost custdy of me and my two siblings. i was adopted by a fat married couple they had my best interest at heart and did the best anyone could have done for there first time raising kids. my girl and i met when i was 18 and she ran away automaticly because she was attracted to me. she says she is the type that doesn't sleep with people real quick but it took her three years to give me the time of the day and for her to build up the courage and leave her other dope head looser theaving x boyfriends. all of her x's went crazy and one even killed him self. i don't know if that is a sign or just her taste in men. i personally have had many jobs some that include male dancing but for gay men and i am not gay but have gotten paid to do stuff. and she is older and well established and has a few kids one of witch is going to college. she has expensies and bills and now i have come one the seen dealing with personal dependency issues with marajuana she helped me through it. My life style is "in the fast lane" i suppose i just am starting to be driven crazy because now i have been messing up the relationship i just don't have time to go into details but i wasn't unfaithfull. I don't know why i feel so like she is slipping threw my fingers and i am going to forever loose her because we both are intellegent enough to know we shouldn't have had sex if we wanted our friendship to last but she is so busy with kids and work and she is always "working" i work with her sometimes. i don't live with her i live at her house she rents apartments out of in a city. one of her kids is eighteen now and knows my friends and i am not attracted to her little kid ways i somewhat am more mature than the next twenty one year old young man because i have been through some stuff dealing with people in the real world of the city that care forgot but it has made me untrusting and somewhat hard. also i have been homeless a few times and to rehab already (not bragging) my life is shits i don't see why this women loves me or is with me but i know i love her because she has shown me kindness and care that i have been missing and i give it right back but and i try but she started complaning saying i didn't have enough money and its cuz i stopped stripping cuz sometimes women are there and she even gets jellous if a gay man gives me some cash or i use him for some cash. i think being homosexual is anticreation and that is unhuman so i don't feel anything when i am dealing with those who do things that is aganst natures way of life. if its not broken don't fix it.

    anyway i just know someone who reads this can make something out of it cuz i am stressing out and i please her in the bedroom but im sure every girl tells every dude they are the best the ever had every time the make love and we do it a lot. it is amazing i love it and we both know if it weren't for the sex we probably wouldn't be together. but she feels that if your having sex with someone it should be just that person no one else and we have to keep it a seceret im need help figuring out whats up and whats going on im obvously blinded by love..

  • Hi. It's more important for him to read the articles about jealousy on this site than for you. Doing the following might be helpful: first, tell him that you understand where he is coming from and while he is so suspicious. Secondly, have him read the articles on here about jealousy and overcoming the fear of losing your partner. This should be a good start. Also, remind him of the obvious things – people are different, girls are different, so he shouldn't assume that just because one or two girls did something to him in the past, you are going to do the same.

  • 15 Year old teen gir

    I'm. 15 and I am currently going through the same thing. I am desperate for answers. My boyfriends and I have been together going on six months in but because all of his pass girlfriends have cheated on him he thinks that I am the same way. I can tell that he cares about me but he just doesn't trust me and I'm so stressed out about it. I have never on my life been a cheater and I would most definitely not do nything like that now. Someone please help me. This is too hard for me to handle 🙁 People have lied and told him things about me with other boys that's not true and all of this is killing me inside. I'm always trying to prove myslef to him but he doesn't believe. When I'm not texting him he. Thinks that I'm texting other boys. Im just so stressed out about it I don't wanna tell him though because he's not going to listen. I could go on forever….

  • The articles on jealousy on this site, including the one above should be a good start for you to start dealing with your boyfriend's jealousy issues, and if nothing helps, moving on and away from that relationship but be one option you should consider.

  • nouna

    Hi I have the same prblm, my boyfriend is very jealous and cotroller, he does not want me to have friends, or talk to other guys even go out with my friends he is really hurd to deal with this situation, I love him so much, I give up everything just for him, but however he always make me jealous by talking with other girls or seduce another in forent of me, and when I fight with him he just tell me”i want to know how much you do love me” I really do love him, I am crazy about him and he is using this against me, he know that I cannot live without him, I try to but……

    so plz plz help me with some advice.

  • maitanamal

    My case same like u, n we engaged already. But now i am really stuck ! How about u ?

  • salina

    oh my god , my fiancee is the same jealous and jealous. i take a lots of patience but i cant take it anymore. i lost all my courage , when he doubts me on every small things, am going through a severe depression. and am unable to make a decision.

  • between the end and

    Just about 1 month later, he "caught me" not perfectly reporting where I was one night. So much for him changing his ways. I called him on it, and things blew up. I am going through a stressful time, leaving my job, sold my house, and depending on him to prep the place I am suppose to move to. So, I am nervous. I am nervous he will back out, I am nervous that he will totally return to his ways. Maybe he is just testing my boundaries. He swore he wasn't, but then called me a liar.

  • Its the same here with me. My boyfriend is exactly the same way. He doesn't even like the idea of me even having friend cuz he believes their influences. He even accuses me of cheating everytime me he hears about a guy that i knew in the past.

    I just dont know what to do. And I too need help. I love him and everytime i say that i dont want to do it anymore, i end up giving out on myself and cant help but to call him.

    We got pregnant with our first baby last November and I ended up losing the baby at 21 weeks. It tore the both of us. But now his trust issues are starting all over again. We've been through so much and I dont want to give up now when we have potential to be together for years to come. But I'm frustrated.

    WHAT DO I DO????!!!!!!!

  • Anonymous

    Me and my boyfriend are both jealous we never stop fighting! I cannot be comfortable around him and neither can he! It's so crazy! I love controlling him, I like it when he listens to me but I DON'T listen to him! Dafuq, he should listen to me but instead he tries controlling me lalalala… I want to leave him but I can't :

  • phumza

    my bf i so protective and jealous whn im at work o anywhr away frm him he thnks im wth othr gyz iv been trying to tel him tht his the only guy fr m bt becz of his misarable past he dsnt trst m the worce he hv ths angr and im scared he can b violent ….nw im leaving wth him bcz he wnt m to b wth him always he bcme very happy whn i lock myslf in his house the whole day …..all of this thng im scared his gonna luz m bcz he makes m thnk of my ex-bf now and i dnt wnt to plz help

  • between the end and

    wow, I came here because I needed to know it was not me, and needed to talk. How things change. (see above note) I was preparing everything as if we had broken up and just not said the words yet. I didn't talk to him for a week. HE called me and asked me where I was emotionally with the relationship, I told him I pretty much done. He asked me to listen. HE had spent that week reading and studying and thinking on relationships , jealously and rage. He said, he was all him. He had never had felt these jealousness and rage before in a relationship and that he basically had a nervous break down, and his insecurities got the better of him. HE said he was all him and not me. HE understood what drove him there and why. He also understood that he had to address his own issues and take care of himself to be able to give to the relationship. He asked for a second chance. It left me speechless, I told him I needed to think on what he said. I gave him a second chance, a month later, it is beautiful. NO more interrogations, he is giving me breathing room, he is being emotionally supportive, I hope it is truly real and doesn't come back. I have made it very clear, that I have boundaries and I will not tolerate him crossing them. He actually respects me more for it. It may take me a few years to truly believe it, if it comes back, I am will be gone soooo fast.

  • Sally

    OMG! We have the same situation. my boyfriend when he texted me and did not answer in a minute he thinks that I'm with other man. When I work for night duty he thinks that I don't really work that I'm just with other guy… The worse thing that he did was I was cheating with his bestfriend… For 6 years it was always like that. I'm more stress than having a fun or exciting time with him.. He's such s good man in a way of he'll give everything you need and he's always there for you. but I don't think that i can still stand his temper and jealousy… Please help…

  • Anonymous

    Been there done that. Just gets worse. Get hell out. Fast

  • Donna

    My fiance has been treating me badly for weeks now. It should of been our 2nd anniversary this Friday.

    He's been very self fish. You see I've injured my knee last week and I really need his help as I'm in pain all the time and struggling to get down the stairs etc but he's the opposite of loving and helpful and this week has distanced himself from me and been sleeping more and more at his own house. He always sleeps at mine in the past. What's more He does not check if I've eaten or if I need anything and just leaves me to manage on my own.

    I rang him at 7.30pm today wanting to know when he was coming to see me as it was his day off work. He acted like he could not care less about me. I had to end up asking was he unhappy with me. He didn't give me a straight answer which is nothing new there. I ended the call In tears. Then out of the blue he just turned up at 9.50pm. I wanted to see you he said. I thought great but there was no passion from him and no sorry and after we talked. We split up. He told me I was giving him hassel and agro and wait for it . . . . Said you love that dog more than me! And it is no joke the bloke is actually jealous of my 5year old dog. Bearing in mind he told me that he dint want children so my dog is the closest I was going to get to a child. He's even now trying to take that away from me.

    He also said he was unhappy that yesterday I sat on my fat arse on the computer at his house while he fixed up his garage and did housework. Bearing I'm mind my knee is bad and I should be resting it. He expected me to do house work for him and make his dinner. He actually asked me what have I done for him lately.

    He's a master manipulator who makes everything feel like its my fault. And worst of all I feel like it is. . . even though my mum is screaming at me that it isn't

  • Gabby

    I am having the EXACT SAME PROBLEM. I am so lost and I dont know what to do.

  • between the end and

    so familiar, I just want to be loved. I don't cheat, I don't lie, he accuses me of lying to him and tracks my time in his head, if I don't call him when he thinks I "should have" he goes nuts, yells at me, tells me I am deceiving him. we live 350 mile apart. I have to manage my own life. (most of it boring chores of daily life) Last time he ranted, apologized ranted apologized ranted apologized, until I hung up. He was sounded insane. Then he sends me guilt emails saying he hurting so bad, etc. I don't reply. then I angry txt. It is like he ignores the anger and hurtful things he said, expecting it to be alright. We are both middle age. Red flags are everywhere for me. He acknowledged his anger problem in the bringing of the relationship and said he would always walk away and would come back after cooled off… I fell in love with him… 3 years later, it is sooo back. we have all kinds of future plans and ties. It has been getting worse over the past year. My "in love" disappeared one night when he just vented on me and said so many mean things. When someone shows you their true colors (good or bad) listen. I didn't, I believed the apologies. "In love" blurred my vision. Now I am tired of being called a liar and being yelled at. I am tired of the relationship land mines. call to say good night and the werewolf answers. I can't continue this relationship, I know that. Maybe there is a medical condition behind this, low T or bi-polar, I don't know. I just know I can't keep going. How does one break up with a long term?

    The interrogation mentioned by others, I hear you. I know your pain, what does it matter when I go to the grocery store or how long? All I can say, man up, if you were more of a man, maybe you would not be so insecure. 38 special was right, "hold on loosely but don't let go" Thanks for listening. be your own best friend.

  • Anonymous

    We had a very long and tortuous four year relationship. Filled with fights and daily interrogations. (Sometimes lasting hours and sometimes days). Eventually I just couldn't take it any more. The control, the jealousy, the fights. Interrogation. We tried to fix things constantly. Spent days doing this. Even a whole week off trying to resolve these issues which to me were irrational but to him meant everything. I became so fed up, hurt and angry. I kept flipping out. Desperate to leave but he wouldn't let me. In may this year he started seeing the new girl. He just gave up with me all of a sudden and that's it. Ended up with her. I have tried not to speak to him for months now. He used to still text me or tell me he still cared about me. Loved me etc. then I told him to stop. Stop hurting me. He has chosen to be with someone else. So why torture me. Since then he hasn't replied. I'm hurting so much. I'm still in tears. I can't stop thinking about why her? What has she got that I don't have? How does she do it? I stupidly as well found out that he took her to a Michelin starred restaurant. He used to ruin all my days and special outings with interrogations and fights about meaningless things. Some assumption about me that would pop up in his head and I would have to defend myself and convince him it wasn't true. Why did I get all that and everything for them is rosy? I'm hurting so much. I'm in tears writing this. Please help me.

  • ananonymous

    Hello Anonymous, did u break up because of this reason? because he was jealous? when did all this happen and when did he get involved with this new girl?

  • Worc County

    I'm sooo relieved to read all these entires going back on 2010. I'm 40 y/o and have all the same issues all these other ladies hav had too. I've been with my bf for about 2 yrs now and we live together. He is jealous about everything about my life. My family, my friends, hates my job because I work in the electrical construction industry – I handle injuries for the entire company so I have to talk with foremen, project managers do investigate. I also hav to do jobsite visits. He loses his mind if I tell him I hav to go to court and its a male lawyer I hav to deal with. If I don't discuss my day with him he suspects something. He constantly gives me a hard time if I do my hair in the moring, or wear a business suit or work a little eary or a little late. If I want to go out with my friends – he says he is fine w/it but when the day comes he treats me like garbage. So I do weekend lunches with my friends now. He hates that I hav a great relationship with my family. He hates that I go to the gym – so I stopped doing that n gained weight. UGH. And he thinks this is all normal. I hav never given him a reason not to trust me. Most people who meet or know me like me and he hates that. But its ok for him to look a girls and flirt. He complains about every aspect about my life. I'm a pretty tough and thick-skinned person and don't often cry – it is very rare, especially in front of him. I tell him off all the time. I'm not afraid of him – I just want the bullcrap to stop. We are stuck in a rental lease and neither of us hav the money to buy it out and part ways. So I hav to live like this until the lease is up. I guess I'm the idiot for renewing the lease. It was going good at the time we renewed as I suspected it would. We can't go a week w/out fighting. And I don't start them. But I stand up to the challenges and believe me they are challenges cuz everything I've ever told him about my life comes puking out of his mouth and thrown in my face whether its relevant of not. And it usually isn't relevant. My parents like him because I don't tell them anything. And he knows that too becuz I let him know that!! A couple friends hav witnessed his antics and are worried about me. But unfortunately. I am stuck in a lease. I can leave but I still hav to pay my part of the rent. UGH! But it was good to read that I'm not alone, as I figured I wouldn't be but just the same I feel for anyone – women and men that have to deal with this. Its horrible. I woke up this am finally SICK to death of it!!

  • Anonymous

    Its so nice to read all this. I really need it at the moment. Ive been going through everything you guys have and more. Things that I didnt even believe were real. Even looking back now I wonder why I gave in to him and carried on. Its now been four years and only recently did we break up, mainly because he found someone else and I had for years been trying to escape. I became so angry, to the the point where I just wanted out. I was so desperate. Now its all gone. All finished and its been a week since we last spoke. Although we broke up months ago, we tried to be friends but every phone call was so hard. One minute it was great and then all of a sudden he would have a go at me. The last call was a fight, I cried so hard. He still blames me for everything, I wish he would understand that the only reason I became so angry and fought him all day was because of what his jealousy was doing to me. He was so suffocating, it drove me mad. Constantly fighting daily over meaningless things. Im hurt that he’s just suddenly got involved with someone else. Ironically i’m a tad jealous, I keep thinking the following.. How can he go from being obsessed with me, loving me to nothing. How can he love her so suddenly? What has she got that I haven’t? Its silly considering I wanted out, I hated it. The fights etc. Its just so painful. Im doing better today. I think today is the start of me being me again. I guess im just still so stressed and traumatised from the last four years. If anyone has any tips to help, please let me know….

  • @ Nadine
    I am sorry to hear about your experience. It sounds like quite a bit of bad blood has been piling up between you and the father of your child. This is one of those cases when I would strongly recommend counseling. I don't know if his extreme jealousy and trying to isolate you is a projection on his own behavior or something else, but I do know that whatever issues you have – they need to be addressed one way or another, for your sake and for your child's.

  • Nadine

    My names nadine I'm 19 and I've been with the same guy for two years. Since the beginning my boyfriend has been jealous, insecure, and controlling. I would try to break up with him but it was hard I always wanted to prove that I wasn't a cheater. Then we ended up getting pregnant after three months. I had to move in with him and the night I moved in I found out he had a zoosk and was talking to other girls. I wanted to leave but I felt trapped. Now it's worse its I always feel scared that I might be doing something wrong. He doesn't let me be alone with friends. He says why so I need friends and the other day I made an Instagram an he deleted because i was following guys from high school. In the past he's broke my phone for having a twitter an has deleted contacts an changed my number. I'm a stay home mom/babysitter I'm very isolated. That's the only reason I turn to social networking. I love him but its getting to hard he's pushing me away…. Please help…

  • dana

    You might not like what I am about to say but you must leave him and move on. It seems as if you know deep inside that you shoudn’t be with him. He is only doing you harm. I myself broke up with my boyfriend after a 3 year relationship. I knew he was only harming me (mantally) but was afraid to break-up. I never believed I could move on or find anyone better. I was afraid of people’s reaction. We were even talking about marriage. So indeed it wasn’t easy, but it was the right thing to do, otherwise I would have been miserable till I die. I never thought I’d get over him. I won’t lie to you, it wasn’t easy.
    Today, I have a new boyfriend. We have been together for 6 months. He treats me like a princess. You deserve this too.
    I don’t regret my past. You need to go through the bad in order to appreciate the good 🙂

  • confused

    How about this … helppp me! My boyfriend has 3 brothers and I kno them all. They are really nice friends. But lately he has been accusing me of liking one of them. Him and his brothers are very attractive boys, but me personally I don’t find any of them more attractive than my boyfriend. I’ve never had eyes for his brothers, and in the past I’ve never wanted to get to know any of them but the man that I am in a relationship with now. But it always seems to come up that I want his brother when I don’t. I do not show this brother more attention, than others were just friends , the way I am with the rest of his family. He doesn’t like me going out, doesn’t trust me in college, but I find it weird that out of accusing me of liking anyone why would it be his brother. Lately it has been a topic of argument more and more and I want it to stop! Me telling him that I’m not that type of girl, and dont like his brother just isn’t enough for him to drop it. Please help, what do I do.

  • @ confused
    It sounds like you boyfriends need more help than you do. He needs to learn a few important thins about jealousy. Perhaps the article about overcoming and abandoning jealousy could be a good start. Here is the link below: http://www.practicalhappiness.com/overcoming-jeal

  • @ JJ Jealous – actually, I strongly believe that jealousy can be cured. This article on overcoming jealousy should be a good start:
    http://www.practicalhappiness.com/overcoming-jealousy/how-to-overcome-jealousy/

  • J.J. Jealous :(

    Jealous Guys… Should they just be single then? What should we do since we can't be cured? I'm open to suggestions… Seriously… Oh. And btw… Some jealous guys DO NOT want to be jealous and fight it. So… Since relationships are toxic, can anone suggest alternatives?

  • hmm

    another point to help you girls out ! Me personally i just need constant reassurance , i love you so much you are the only one for me etc ! if this starts lacking and a new guy enters the scene a guys mind goes into overdrive and it can get quite dark! If he starts hitting you then leave , because that kind of jealousy is not jealousy it is violence full stop. If he is just moaning and wining all the time then it can be fixed , just listen to him then reply exactly what you wrote here ! possibly not the leaving him part ( full honesty i would recommend) and just keep letting him know how much its hurting you that he thinks this way of you ! Do not get pissed of at him or he will get more suspicious and it will just get worst and worst !

  • hmm

    Just want to say there are two types of jealousy, active and passive ! Active jealousy involves a guy laying down rules etc and that is just awful and controlling , however most guys at one point in a relationship will get passively jealous and will say something about it , be depressed about it and what not ! has nothing to do with control but more to do with paranoia. I am one of them , my gf has tons of guy friends but every now and again a new guy will step on to the scene and i will sniff him out for a bit and possibly get irrational. I would never ever tell her to stop seeing a friend.

  • Anonymous

    Dear Sarah, I have a younger sister who got divorced recently. My sister used to be very out going, perhaps even too much. She met an older man, she got rid of her facebook, her personal e-mail address. She has no friends and spends all her living time with this man working with him and mixing with no one. Before she argued with all the family members this man would always ring her up to check on her. Now my sister is living with him, she refuses to see anyone and apart from her mobile has no access to anyone in the real world. People have not see her for months and assume she must be abroad. When my sister is questioned about her attitude she becomes aggressive and tells people everyone is jealous. Rumours are that her boyfriend hides from people, has no friends and mixes with no one but his mum. My sister has not has a picture taken of her for over 6 months. It is as though she has joined a cult and cannot see it. We as our family are waiting anxiously to see what will happen. If this had not happened to my sister I used to be under the impression as a guy that a woman can just get up and leave an abusive poissonous relationship, but my thinking was wrong. If I was you I would speak to trusted friends and family members and ask them for their honest opinion of your boyfriend. Unfortunately, my sister's friends were fakes and are now literally laughing about what has happened to her.

  • Richard

    well said Mandy

  • Richard

    @Jessica, I am 47 years old and a man, it is very disrespectful and immature from him to put you thru this , just because his ex did what ever to him.

    You don't have to put up with this, he is not giving you any respect or trust, so if he doesn't trust you why is he still with you? and if he treats you like this why are you still with him? there isn't enough love to compensate for this behavior.

    He does not love you to death, he loves himself to death, you should learn from him and love you self a little and get out of this sick relationship.

  • Anonymous

    @anon,
    And btw, it’s not controlling for them to ask to know things. It’s only controlling when they try to tell you what you can and cannot do.

    yes, honey, that’s the definition of controlling. A loved one can ask (not tell, ask) you not todo something if it hurts them deeply, but if these things become increasingly more and unreasonable they ned to face the fact that it’s them who have a problem of insicuirity and can’t mold their life around someone else’s neurosis.
    There needsto be a degree ofprivacy, even among lovers, if there’snot you risk to lose your own individuality.

  • Prof. M.M.

    Hello everyone,
    I just wanted to share my story in hopes that someone will read it and feel, like I have in reading all of yours, that you’re not alone and there is hope and help available.
    I met a fellow musician online a few years ago, who I will call D, and we quickly became great friends due to our various similar interests. We video-chatted weekly for years and after a while it became evident that he had developed feelings for me beyond friendship, which I rebuffed as politely as I could because I was in a long-term relationship at the time and even if I hadn’t been, I was reluctant to, knowing it could cost us our friendship which I valued highly. A few months later, the relationship I was in ended. Although it was by my doing on friendly terms, I still felt upset and sought out my friend because we regularly advised one another on our relational problems.
    After a few weeks of talking nearly everyday, we agreed to try a romantic relationship, take our time and see where things went. He was his usual charismatic self at first, although he did rush things and told me he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me after just one week, but I didn’t think much of that at the time because we’d already known each other for so long. We would video-chat and talk on the phone until the early hours of the morning, laughing and talking about all sorts of things, having a blast as most couples do at that honeymoon stage, but occasionally I’d notice a strange, vacant look in his eyes and when I’d ask what was wrong, he’d evade the question and allude to something bothering him that he never seemed to want to talk about. It got to the point where he always seemed to have that strange demeanor; the fun times were getting less and less frequent and I was worried, so I asked him to trust me because I felt I needed to know. Well, that’s when it came out: he had been diagnosed with several psychological illnesses including psychotic jealousy and obsessive tendencies combined with nearly constant negative automatic thoughts.. And I was the current object of all of them. Now I’ve never been naive, but I trusted this man and he assured me that it was all in his past, well behind him and he had learned to control it, so after a lengthy conversation about it, I felt reassured and didn’t think too much of it after that.
    As the days went on I started feeling a constant malaise that kept getting worse no matter what I tried, so I went to the doctor for some blood tests fearing that my childhood anemia had come back. When the results came in, I found that my suspicions were correct. I began treatment but it soon became evident that it was severe and that I’d have to have frequent trips and stays at the hospital for more intensive treatment. That’s where my problems with D truly began. It soon became clear that he was not at all happy about my inability to spend as much time as he was used to with him; instead of hours everyday, it became intermittent phone calls and texts everyday. When I would wake up from my frequent naps and call to let him know I was alright, he’d berate me, saying I couldn’t be sleeping that much. It just went downhill from there. I was becoming sicker and he was beginning to accuse me of ever more ridiculous and irrational things. To give you an idea, once when I got off the phone with him to take a bath, when I got out and called him back he accused me of cheating on him while I was away for that 45 minutes. I was far past trying to assuage his fears at this point because aside from lacking the energy, it seemed that the more I tried to assure him that I wasn’t the kind of person to do those things, the more irrational his accusations became.
    I felt confused that someone could honestly think those things about me for no reason that I could see, but mostly, well, mostly I felt hurt. I’ve never been the type to want sympathy or pity at all, but I was astounded that someone who claimed to love me didn’t seem to care at all about me or my health; instead he focused solely on his own jealous insecurities and projecting them onto me at every opportunity. It came to a crescendo quickly, thankfully, with his most astounding accusation: that he thought I was lying about having anemia so I could use the time away from him to have sex with other men. It sickened me, baffled me, and I broke things off immediately.
    He and I were only in a romantic relationship for 2 or 3 months at the most, and even though it’s been nearly a year since the last time I spoke to him, (which was when we ended things) I’m still completely and utterly bewildered at his actions. I can’t help but feel that I should’ve seen his true nature sooner, payed attention to those “reg flags” that I noticed or at the very least, broke things off when the jealousy began to get severe, but as they say, hindsight is 20/20. I’ve always prided myself on my ability to read people, but I suppose I was lulled into a sense of false security by our years-long friendship. I’m also not one of those people who trusts immediately and implicitly and I’m not very emotional or foolhardy; in other words, not the type these men usually prey on, but I think that just goes to show that it can happen to anyone. It’s the nature of the beast.
    And in case you were wondering, my anemia was successfully cured a few weeks after the end of that relationship. The metaphor of my sickness coinciding with that toxic relationship isn’t lost on me, because that’s what chronic jealousy truly is: a sickness of the mind that poisons all those who are unfortunate enough to come close to it.
    My advice to all of you who are dealing with a partner who has jealousy issues is this: if you love them, try to help them, but not at the expense of yourself. If someone truly loves you, they love you for all you are, they love all that you love. Real love is not to put someone in a cage, is not to tear their happiness away from them, is not to forfeit yourself for another.

  • B

    I am trying to be patient with my boyfriend, because I know jealousy issues take a long time to overcome. I know he's working on it.

    But whenever he slips up and makes angry accusations, it ruins MY trust in him. I feel like he will never be able to accept me. I wind up with my shoulders back up around my ears and scared to even be seen talking to other men. I can't live like that.

    I'm trying to keep faith in the process. This man, like so many mentioned above, is a wonderful person most of the time. When we're alone, he's great. Or around his friends. It's just my friends or coworkers that are the problem.

    I am really finding it hard not to change to fit into his expectations. In fact, I already have changed a lot and avoid certain people, especially those who I had sexual relationships with prior to my relationship with my boyfriend.

    It is a process for him to overcome his jealousy, but it is also an ongoing process for me to try to trust that he can do it. Rather than just changing myself to accomodate his most recent jealousy item.

    I'm scared of what kind of people we could both turn into if left unchecked. It is hard to stay strong and stick to what I think is ok for me, while he works on his issue.

  • practicalhappiness.com

    @stuck. I totally agree. Counseling can be a very good and effective first step. It doesn’t always helps and some therapists are more effective than others, but it’s well worth trying. Sometimes, an outside profession can provide an insight into how you can fix the jealousy issues in a totally unexpected but effective way. Also, it of course takes more than one counseling session something like this, so if you decide to attend counseling, make sure you commit to it for at least a couple of months.

  • stuck

    I've read a few articles about jealousy and looked up reviews on books about jealousy. So far, what I've found out, is that jealousy is something that can take up to months and years to finally grow out of. My boyfriend lives overseas, we've been dating about 10 months and so far I've seen a lot of jealous behavior. He would snoop on me and keep track of what people post on my wall on facebook. I got rid of facebook and a program meant to socialize with. I am being alienated and he only trusts one of my male friends. He himself has admitted to me that he thinks his jealousy will tear us apart. After reading about jealousy, I believe he is perfectly capable of tearing apart our relationship. I feel like every one of you girls making a post here. I am changing myself and constantly comforting him to try and show him that he can trust me. No matter what I do, he won't trust me. I'm a very private person and I hate having all my feelings out there for everyone to see. Even this is a problem for him. Why should I flaunt my personal feelings for him to feel like I love him? I feel like he doesn't know me at all at times. I also feel like I can't do this forever. I'm in a terrible living situation at the moment, but if I leave and be with him, what will I be moving into? I'm scared of my future and I believe that with counseling, if he is open to it… maybe we can have a happier, healthier relationship. I told him that most people who have jealousy issues do need counselling. His reply then? (even after admitting to me that his jealousy could tear us apart) His reply was, "I don't think my jealousy is that big of a problem." The thing is…. he only seems to be thinking of himself, he's alienating me, I can't be myself and he expects me to live like this forever? Hell no! We all deserve better! I'm going to talk him into getting counselling, and will update you all on how that seems to go. Good luck to all of you, I hope we can all be happy with being ourselves one day.

  • chandra

    My boyfriend is accusing me of looking up his ex girlfriend on facebook. I told him i did one time more than a month ago but haven’t done it since. He “found” this by looking at my internet history. I know i havent looked her up since then, i dont want to or have a reason to. Her profile is private, why would i keep looking up a private pfile? Then he deletes my history so i cant find out what he may have saw. He said that i looked on sunday and monday for sure. I was only on the internet long enough to do my homework. Why would i look her up when he uses my computer and was right beside me all day? If i wanted to be secretive i would use my phone, anoyher computer, block it or delete it. there is no way for me to prove i didnt do it. Its really bothering me being blamed for something i didnt do and cant prove it.

  • mya

    @rsm,lol I know this isn’t something to laugh about but its just so crazy. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now. I should have left him a long time ago but when I want to all the good memories come back and I can’t. I just thought I wanna share my list with u since I don’t talk with the people I know. 1. If I’m in the bathroom to long,he phones me and ask me what I’m doing.when I come out he says y am I coming now when he phoned then he goes thru my phone cos he thinks I was talking wit onoda guy. 2. I can’t facebook or do nothing else beside chat with him and I musnt take to long to reply. He calls me names that really hurts me. 3. He tells me what to wear what to do with my hair. If I don’t do what he wants me to do or don’t luk like he want me to I’m cheating and making myself beautiful for other guys. He get pissed off when I read a book or watch tv.he says I’m looking at other guys on the tv. And the list goes on. Oneday he ignored me for a whole day and I got so mad and I hit him so hard intentionally on his back his face and begged to tel me what his problem is he just looked at me like I was crazy that made me more mad.I would never ever cheat on him but he doesn’t believe that.

  • practicalhappiness.c

    Thanks for sharing your story. In additon to having your boyfriend read this artice on jealousy, perhaps introducing him to your male friends will make him feel less threatened by them, once he meets them and know who they are. Also, make sure that you are not being a "tease" to those male friends and you don't send mixed signals, as that might hurt and upset everyone. Thanks.

  • Anonymous

    I have only been dating my boyfriend for a little over a month, but he some jealousy issues that he knows is a problem and we have addressed it a few times. We already have had two or three major fights over his jealousy. Another problem is that he sometimes doesn’t tell me directly when he’s jealous. Instead, he’ll send me angry text messages. When we meet face-to-face and I am able to dissipate his anger by talking about it and apologizing, and he does calm down a lot. However, I feel like I am walking on eggshells and really need some advice. I do not want to end the relationship because he is the first guy in a long time that I have real feelings for. He is also a genuinely nice person and helps others in need. I feel in my heart that this is something that we can at least try to work through. There also things that I do to heighten his insecurities that at the time I wasn't aware of doing something wrong. One reason that I am oblivious to my faults is because I have been single for almost two years and while I didn’t enjoy being single most of the time, I am very used to being alone and an independent person. I also have grown to like my independence and feel like I don't have to meet him everyday. Just a phone call or a message is enough for me.

    With that said, I have a lot of guy friends that I talk to on a daily basis. I do not want to give up friendships of the opposite sex just because I have a boyfriend. I have also gone out with these guys alone for lunch and/ or for dinner, but it was not a date. There was no hugging or kissing. I also paid for my own meal. For me, I find lunch or dinner as an easy way to talk, catch up with my friends, or just vent. My friends also do the same thing. The reason why I don’t want to give up my friends is because I like them as people, and I’ve realized in the past few years that friends are really important, especially now since I am living alone in a foreign country.

    There are also some cultural misunderstandings in our situation and some things I knew about the boy before we started the relationship. My boyfriend is Japanese and I am American. In Japanese dating culture, going out with a friend for just lunch or dinner is a huge taboo. My going out with a friend just for lunch or dinner may as well be seen as a sign of infidelity. He is also holding a lot of insecurities because I am American and a lot of Japanese people can’t fathom that a white girl would be interested in a Japanese guy. I am also petite and pretty pale, which are characteristics of ideal women that are sought after in Japanese culture. These characteristics added with my foreign features lead him to believe that if I am good friends with a guy, that guy will certainly end up liking me eventually, and I’ll end up leaving him for someone I supposedly consider better than my boyfriend.

    My boyfriend also has a history of becoming jealous in his previous relationships. He knows it’s a problem and we’re addressing it. He feels really awful after saying mean and hurtful things to me in an argument. But, I don’t know if there is anything I am being really insensitive about or if it’s just something with him. For example, he might still be upset from some things in his past and he won't tell me about it yet. I know that for me, once I’m in a relationship, I am very loyal. However, I’ve never been in a long-term relationship. If I start to lose feelings for the other person, I have in the past just ended the relationship. As I have said before, I am accustomed to being extremely independent and don’t feel like I need a boyfriend just to have one. In order for me to stay in a relationship, I must have real feelings for him.

    He is the first boy that I have had genuine feelings for in over two years. I really don’t want to lose him, and I feel that we do have a great connection with each other. We get along great with each other and always have fun when we are together. We are always happy when we are together and it's just the two of us. This boy is willing to do anything for me, but I want to get through this jealousy problem while the relationship is still relatively new. Please help.

  • rsm

    I really needed to read something like this. I am in a very controlling relationship with an irrationally jealous boyfriend. It’s at the point where I have nobody to talk to. I can’t tell my family the details – from the little that they’ve gathered, they want me to leave him. Same with my best friend. I have several friends I haven’t said anything to. I feel so lost and alone. Isolated. He knows he has these terrible issues, and once in awhile will admit to it being a problem. But, the rest of the time, he says it is my fault and that I feed his suspicions.
    I can give a couple examples of what he does. We’ve been together a year – the list is too long.
    1. He goes through my computer and phone any chance he gets. I feel violated every time he does it. I leave my facebook chat off, and he suspects it’s because I’m afraid of someone talking to me. I just frankly don’t want to talk to anybody when he’s around.
    2. If I’m at the computer typing quickly, he accuses me of typing to a lover, or somehow finding a way to cheat on him.
    3. If I am alone in a room with my phone, it’s because I am cheating on him.
    4. I went for lunch with my brother, and received a missed call while I was gone. He went through my phone and had a total fit about it. Accusing me of not being with my brother at all. Being with another man.
    5. In a jealous fit, has accused me of having something going on with my brother – insunating incest – because I was sitting on the same couch as him.
    6. If I don’t come home when he expects me to (after work or running errands – which btw I am rarely allowed to do alone), it’s because I am cheating on him. Something as simple as me grabbing a coffee or taking a short walk is unacceptable.
    7. If he has a dream I cheated on him, it’s clearly because I did. Then he will wake me up and start a fight about it.
    8. If he can’t find a reason to be jealous – you know, something as legitimate as a missed phone call – he will make something up.

    The list goes on.

    I can also add that we both work from home. He knows where I am 90% of the time. Additionally, I have NEVER cheated on him. From the moment we met, he was the only guy I ever had any kind of relation with.

    Obviously there is some good otherwise I wouldn’t stick around. The good used to outweigh the bad..but now it’s at the point where I am completely suffocated and getting emotionally abused. The other day I was BEGGING him. Literally pleading, in tears, to stop with the accusations. He wouldn’t. He would laugh at me. About 10 hours of this and I lost it and hit him. Like a girl, mind you.

  • jackie

    You've heard the saying, don't give them a second chance to shhoot u with the bullet that missed the first time. I believe everybody deserves a second chance, but after that it's hopeless. If a guy realizes he has aproblem, he will get help & +*!:&3? 7 +!: NOT change someone no matter how mucch u love them if they don'tt WANT to change. If you feel like u need to change yourself t make a relationnship work, then u need th change relationships!!! Be confident in yourself & what you'll acceppt & what u want. If someone loves u & is meant for YOU, he will love ALL of YOU & not be jealous & try to change YOU.

  • practicalhappiness.com

    @Kelsey
    Well, I cannot tell you whether accepting this kind of controlling nature from a guy is a good idea as it’s ulimatately your decision. I would be concerned about being with someone like that, as this kind of control can come into play in many other situations down the road and negative affect both your personal life and your relationship. You feel that he is asking for too much and his utlimatum clearly rubs you the wrong way, and I can’t blame you for that. Perhaps it’s time to take a stand and make your position clear that you won’t submit to irrational ultimatums that deprive you of social life due to mostly unfounded jealousy and insecurity of your boyfriend.

  • Anonymous

    Practical Happiness- I need some advice!!! Kind of a long story but My best friend growing up asked me to watch over her twin younger brothers for her if anything ever happened to her. Well she died in her sleep at 16 years old. I want to keep my promise to her and watch over them especially because their mom has died sense also. About 10 years ago I slept with one of these twin brothers, I was drunk and so young. I really do consider him to be my brother. We had lost touch over the years but recently bumped into each other and exchanged numbers. My boyfriend is giving me an ultimatumn it’s either him or the twin. I have given up all my other friends even my best friend that saved my life, but I won’t give up anyone else! There won’t be anyone left to give up. We have been together for 5 years and to this day he thinks I have cheated on him and it’s only a matter of time before it happens with “my brother”. He says that I don’t care about how I am making him feel or how it is hurting him. The other night “my brother” came over to our (my boyfriend and I) house and I tried to introduce my boyfriend to him and he wouldn’t even show his face. I wanted him to be there with us but he just went upstairs and wouldn’t come down. He made a huge scene and I ended up fighting with him on the phone because he got in his car and left. He said he would be back to get his stuff! I think he over reacted but we have been fighting about this for days! I try to show him I love him and try to be conciderate of his feelings but nothing seems to work.

  • Phoenix

    *sigh* Don't you wish google search could make these decisions easier?

    I have a similar problem: a terribly insecure boyfriend. I noticed when he started getting really nervous when I'd go visit friends, dressed "too nicely", then he started going to my house and calling me out of bed to explain Facebook conversations he thought was "suspicious". I tried being as open with him as possible about my activities and conversations to make him feel comfortable (he was cheated on previously by his ex) so I let him read all my online conversations but it only made things worse. He's a sweet guy, he never gets angry but it's pushing me away, killing my sex drive and attraction to him. I've changed all my passwords. I've told him to get counseling but he says he can't afford it. It sucks falling out of love with someone when you've got all these mutual friends and you know how complicated and awkward the breakup will be.

  • Love is not enough!

    Same thing. Jealous boyfriend. Gets upset about my clothes, accuses me of checking people out (I catch him checking people out!), and will accuse me of cheating with absolutely no evidence. The thought I keep having is "do I want to keep having this stress my whole life?" Nothing I say can quiet the little demon in his head that tells him not to trust. Things may improve, but that little demon is always there. Relationships are supposed to be completely trusting and RESPECTING, mutually. This is coming from someone in a 4 year relationship, when I had thought that time would fix things, that he would see that I am not a cheater and he has nothing to worry about. Um. 4 years later and does he not see me as who I am? Does he not know me? Will he ever?

    I think I may just walk away.

  • Krista

    I've been with my now to be Fiance for about 8 and a half months. Things were perfect through the beginning, and when he decided to put the ring on my finger it seems as though his jealously and trust issue began to sink in. He's a great guy, and would do anything in the world for me. He can be controlling, but would never lay a hand on me. I've been worrying to the point that I can't take it anymore. Usually the old wise tale "When they accuse you, they have something that their guilty of." I trust him more than anything in this world, I've been hurt and never thought I would be able to trust a guys again until he came into my life. Now that I trust him, I'm scared that I may get let down in the end. We are getting married August 4th of this year, and I'm debating on weather we should wait, just to make sure its what we both want in the end. Being in love is great .. until you hit rocky patches. Every relationship is not perfect, nor will it ever be. You just have to have hope in it, and work on things every step of the way. (:

  • Kayla

    I love my boyfriend. He is first guy that hasn't used me. We talked a lot about spending the rest of our lives together. And I really want to. I can't wait. But He is so jealous. I can't talk to any of my guy friends, or any new guy friends without being accused of something happening. I love him, but sometimes I just can't take it. I don't want to leave. I don't know how to handle it. Now he is saying he is gonna kick every guys butts that try and talk to me. I am friendly person, I talk to everyone. He freaks on me, when a guy comments on my facebook picts, or leaves me a message. It is so annoying.

  • Mondeka

    I am also in the same situation , i love him so much, but he is so jealous and feel threatened by my male friends for no good reason whatsoever.

  • merm

    i love my boyfriend he is my best friend n definatly the best guy i have ever met but he is very jealous!..we have been togheter for over a year he is wonderful w my kids (im a single mom)..but the problem we keep having is over his jealousy issues idk what to do any more we do great all the time but theres always something that bothers him thinking i may go some where n some guy is gonna hit on me or that i may randomly be walking around n fall in love w a stranger its so insane its actually funny to me but to him its like an actual possibility and i dont want to keep arguining over stupid crap!!

  • practicalhappiness.c

    This is not an uncommon issue. The first step to trying to solve this problem is making the guy recognize that he has one. Does he realize how destructive his behavior is to your relationship and how unattractive it makes him look in your eyes? One of the somewhat unconventional ways to start alerting him to what his behavior really looks like is renting a movie where the guy acts in a similarly obsessive way with a woman. Sometimes, when the guys sees in others what he is doing, it helps him realize that he is doing wrong. It doesn't always work, and it surely won't be everything he needs to deal with his jealousy issues, but it might be a good start, and it can't hurt to try.

  • It's a Sickness

    I have the same type of jealous boyfriend. If I leave anywhere, even the store, he's telling me that he has thoughts of me sleeping with someone from the store. Anywhere I go, he has those thoughts. If I tell him I'm at home and bored, he tells me that it makes him happy. If I don't text back fast enough or give a detail text, then he thinks I'm talking to another guy. The list of insecurities seem to go on and on. I have never cheated on anyone and no matter how much I express this and give him reassurance, I get the statement "my ex said the same thing." I feel that it takes a lot of energy to convince him that I'm not a cheater. I've always been a secure person and independent. In my past relationships I've always been cheated on, but have always felt secure about myself that it wasnt my fault they did that to me. I've always been able to trust men. I trust him, and in return, he tells me that he doesnt trust me. That he let his ex cheat on him for two years and he knows it has gave him insecurity issues. But no matter what I say, he don't trust me. He thinks bad things everywhere I have to go. But he's always telling me how other girls check him out. And if I show any kind of jealousy about that, then he says I'm being a hypocrit. I feel like his jealousy and insinuational remarks have made me question him. I feel like I've picked up on his bad habit. I don't talk about other guys looking at me, he gets jealous even if i go to the laundromat. I know it's wrong to be treated like this, I know all the tell-tale signs of emotional abuse because I've dealt with it years ago. But for some reason, I'm having a hard time letting go. I wish he could see it. At first he admitted the problem, but now that I feel jealous because of girls he mentions, I'm a hyprocrit. Now it feels I've reached a point of arguing about logic. I don't expect solutions, but just felt the need to vent.

  • practicalhappiness.c

    @Angel. This is an unfortunate situation. However, given the fact that he seems to recognize that he has a problem, perhaps this is the time to talk about it openly and candidly and perhaps consider counseling / relationship therapy? I don't think being even nicer to him than you have ever been will change him and will eliminate jealousy/anger issues. These issues have little to do with how much love you show him but they come from inside of him. He might think that counseling is not "cool" but at the very least he should consider trying. It couldn't hurt.

  • Angel

    I can't believe i'm in the exact same situation as every one of you. I used to be a very independent, strong minded young woman. And almost 2 years ago I met the man of my dreams. We are so similar, it's crazy. And I love him so much. There is only one huge difference between us. He's extremely jealous and controlling. He told me this from the start, but like any other woman I thought that it would be ok, if I showed him how devoted I am. Wrong. It only gets worse. He already made me break all contact with friends (doesn't matter if they're male or female, he thinks they're all potential treaths), and now he's even fighting with me over spending time with my family! He says that it's a sign that he's not important enough for me, that I choose them over him. This is just too much! He always searches for new things to fight over and he keeps bringing them up, making me feel really bad and guilty, while I actually haven't even done something wrong. When I say it isn't fair and he should stop, he gets angry and again says I don't care for his feelings or him. I do everything I can to make him feel happy and loved, even cleaning his house, cooking for him, telling him how much I love him every day and broke contact with all my former friends. I never go anywhere without him, and if I do it's with my family. But it's not enough, he always find more reasons to be angry at me. He says that guys will want to take me away from him and he even gets mad that I work, because there are men too. Also he always tells me that women constantly check him out, as if he wants me to think what I risk of loosing.

    I can't deal with it anymore, I start feeling so unhappy and depressed. I love him with all my heart, but I don't know if I can go on like this any longer. He's is destroying our love AND me! And he just doesn't get it. The thing is that besides all this, he's also very loving and tender. I know it sounds weird, but I love him for a reason, you know.

    We could have such a wonderful thing together, but all we have now is a relationship on the rocks, and it's killing me with sadness. I don't know what to do..

  • Anonymous

    I think you’re being a little naive. Maybe you’re on the other side of the relationship… The jealous side. It’s nice to have a different outlook on the situation however, it seems as if you haven’t experienced what the others are talking about, not to say your opinion isnt appreciated. I used to hear stories about these men and I’d always say “oh my god just leave them this is ridiculous.” now I know how it feels. What happens when you think you’ve met the perfect guy for you and everything is great until a year and a half later the jealously he’s spoken about in the past creeps up and begins to take over your relationship? It’s easy at first to try to just change your actions and make him feel secure and comfortable but that’s not good enough. Not for people with true jealousy problems. These are problems they can’t control and they don’t understand where it comes from necessarily. How long should we go changing our lives to accommodate his insecurities? That’s detrimental to any relationship it causes one partner to begin to hold back the person they really are. And in my case this is now happening after a year of bliss and wanting to marry him (which is a huge deal for me considering I have commitment phobia). Now what? I just can’t put up with it anymore. But I can’t let go of all the other parts of us that used to be so good. This jealousy has caused me to be angry and frustatted which I’m also learning through his bahavior. This is a terrible terrible illness which is possibly a large part of my relapse into the feeling of being trapped which is tied to my commitment phobia. He needs to fix this if he wants the relationship to work.

  • anon

    Maybe people shouldn't do things to make their partner jealous. It's like Dr. Phil said, "Don't do things that you wouldn't do in front of your loved one." Well I say, "don't do things that you couldn't do in front of God." If people would be more considerate of their loved ones and not do things they know they don't need to do or things they know would hurt their loved ones feelings then maybe relationships would last much longer. Instead everyone cries and cries and cries for privacy. Well the only person you should have privacy with is your loved one. If you have privacy from that person, then you're being deceptive to the one person you shouldn't be.

    Final thought, if you cry about being controlled, maybe you should look at the things you do to make that loved one feel the insecurity and jealousy.

    And btw, it's not controlling for them to ask to know things. It's only controlling when they try to tell you what you can and cannot do. And if you're too stubborn and want to do those things even though it hurts your loved ones feelings, then leave them, because they're stupid for being with someone so inconsiderate to their feelings.

  • Liz

    It is nice to know I am not the only one… I love my boyfriend to death and we;ve been together for a long time but from the start ive seen his jealousy and tried to ignore it wishing it would go away, then i called him out on it too and he got very defensive. his exes cheated on him. he thinks im the perfect one for him and he feels he has to do everything to prevent any possible scenario of another guy liking me …i was a very independant girl before i met him. and i want to keep it that way.. he cut me off from my guy friends, forbid me to talk to some people and tries to control my actions and where i go and i can only go out if its with him. he says i cant go out with my friends to clubs or bars (even for birthdays or innocent gatherings) because other guys will look at me.. I would NEVER cheat on him, and i reassure him of that all the time, he claims he trusts me and wont admit his problem. I dont want to leave him 🙁 i feel like i wont find that sort of love with any one else. we are VERY happy most of the time. except when these irrational things come up= no idea where they come from!! Jealousy really is the poison to a relationship!!!

  • evelyn

    Hi,reading these comments has made me realize I’m not d only one with this problem. I love my boyfriend so much but makes it hard to be with him. I can’t be without him either cos I’ve tried n I could not bear being without him. I’m always home n each time I go out, he asks me so many questions. I don’t even have friends anymore. He has even been violent to me but I’m still with him. I always find myself thinking about everything before telling him cos I’m trying to avoid a fight. I really love him and I wish he’d change. Right now, I’m praying for the strength to either leave him or be with him. Someone please help me handle sunday!!!!!!

  • Anonymous

    I'm also having same problem right now, my bf is very jealous guy I did everything for him and even gave him another chance one twice and every chances I forgive him..God KNOWS how much I love hIm till now but being jealous is not a thing to be tolerated, hes accusing me things I didn't do even making up words that it really happen..I also caught him talking with girls and telling that I fooled him but it wasn't really true..even he uses my facebook account to make me look mesirable..he violently torturing me on his words..I wanna help him but I don't know how, I already make him feel very special even abandoned my family just for him..I don't know now..

  • mariska

    Can anyone help me plz.I have a jealousy boyfriend he fight with me over small thing almost everyday.I do love him but I can't go on like it he say 2 me who I can speak 2 and who not.my sister have a boyfriend and he stay with us and he is very jealous about him he say 2 me that I like 2 look at him and the guy isn't my tipe.I don't know what 2 do bec I was cheated on before with my X's and my boyfriend what I have now he thinks I will cheat on him and I won't ever bec it was done 2 me.how can I assure him that he don't need 2 be jealous and controlling.

  • Breanna

    I need help too my bf is a very jealous person and we fight daily but I love him and not sure if its worth the tears , fighting , ect…

  • nene

    Hi i just need a little help. things are good between me and my fiance 87% of the time. the other time things are very bad . he admits he is jealous but i feel he needs to do something about it. i have been open with him since day one. i have a guy friend that to me is more of a girl friend we only talk when i need relationship advice. one day we saw him in a store and i reached my hand out to shake his had but he gave me a hug. now we get home and my fiance ask me why i hugged him did i want to and im like i was gone shake his hand until he hugged me and i didnt think you had no problem with it then he asks me was i ok with it the type of person i am if its a guy that is not my man it is going to feel a little awkward for me to hug them and i told him it was awkward and now he talking bout im lying i like him and i wasnt gone say it was awkward until i realized he wasnt ok with it but he gone say i know him he is a guy that likes girls and you hugged him you dont hug yo other girl friends and i told him you dont be with me every minute of the day you dont know what i do im just pissed right now i put all my hard work and time in this relationship and he wanna act like this how do i get through this we are not talking right now

  • lost

    Sarah I really have no right to tell you what you should do since I am in the same situation but all I can say is we have to make a choice. Do we want our lives that we had back or do we want to be with them. They won't let us have both so we will have to make the choice. It is a hard one and I still haven't decided yet myself. I guess the real question is are they worth giving all that up for? Also followed by the question …. would they give all that up for you? Along with …. If someone truly loves you would they want to take that away from you? Once I figure out the answers to those questions I think I will know what I need to do. For now I am just hanging in there….

  • lost

    Wow reading all this is just crazy. I don't get how my jealous boyfriend is able to make everything my fault…and I mean everything. He says he doesn't want to lose me and even warned me when we started dating that he was a jealous person and didn't trust anyone. I really thought after time he would see that he could trust me but it hasn't happened yet. He said I would get tired of it and he was right, I am getting tired of it. The worst part is I really do love him and I really want to be with him but he just won't stop. He even tries to keep me from my family but that didn't really work but it causes lots of fights. I now find myself pulling the jealousy card just because he does it to me. I now do almost the same things to him because I hate that I am not able to do anything ever. I don't want to be this person at all and I know that I could always move on but for some reason I can't let go of him either. I do see him trying but once a thought is in his head there is no turning back. We have been together a long time now and he has never been physically abusive but I am smart enough to know that there is some abuse involved yet here I am still putting up with it. I just don't get it. If I wanted to cheat I would and there would not be a way for him to stop me but I don't want to and the only thing he is doing to me is pushing me away. I still won't cheat but I might leave because no one should feel so alone when they are with someone. I am going to hang in there for as long as I can but in the end it will be his own choice if he wants it to work.

  • Sarah

    My boyfriend secluded me from all my friends and any place that is male dominated including career directions. He wont let me come out with his friends like before yet he doesn't want me to have any, or any contact. My life is off the rails now and I need help, its not fair my lifes been taken away.

  • carly

    Patty, I am in a strikingly similar situation to yours. Guy abroad, all that same behavior. Reading these posts has really been good for me. I love him but I can’t take it anymore.

  • tburton

    Trust me men with jealousy issues will say anything to justify their jealousy. INCLUDING being cheated on in the past. I advise anyone who is dating someone with jealousy issues to research domestic violence, abusive men, narcissists.

    I learned my ex was actually the one who was the cheater in past relationships. Leave now and do not stay with this person. It will never get better and they are not in love with you, don’t trust their words. Jealousy is all about them and trying to gain control over you so they can destroy you.. Have the courage and faith that you deserve a better man. Unless you want to experience the worst relationship there is, stay with him. Good luck.

  • AMay

    I'm in a band and the singer and I had relations long before I met my current boyfriend.

    Well, I'm still in the band and through the grapevine of many many mutual friends and being well aquainted themselves, my boyfriend is incredibly jealous of my ex-lover.

    I have made sacrifices that include not really hanging out with the band (all my dear dear friends) because I know it will make him uncomfortable.

    The same problem keeps being brought up over and over again.

    He just doesn't trust me.

    I love him very much and with the exception of this issue, we don't have any other problems.

    Is it fair for him to want me to quit the band and risk losing my other friendships with the rest of the bandmates?

    He won't actually ask me outright to do it because he doesn't want me to hold it against him, but in an ideal world that is exactly what he wants.

    I'm lost and need outside perspective.

  • Patty

    I am in love with a guy who is lives in italy. I am in the USA. I was in italy for 4 months with this guy. I had to return home because my visa ran out. I want gain dual citizenship to return to italy to be with him permanently. I have a return ticket for March. However, since I have returned to the states, he has become extremely jealous. If I am not online to chat with him or I do not answer my phone every time he calls, he thinks I am with another man. While I was in italy, we did have a big fight once when he thought i was flirting with another man. I did not even know who he was talking about. The whole incident left me feeling hurt and bewildered. I would never cheat on him. He talks to other women all the time online. I asked him why he needs to talk to all these strange women he says it is nothing. Since my return, I feel we have spent more time fighting than talking about our future. I am always on the defense against what he thinks is going on…when nothing is going on.

  • Alberto

    i totally agree with mandy white…i dont understand how a guy who loves you to death does not trust you if this guy really loves you he would change not for him but for you because he loves you…i do belive that letting a girl hang out with a guy friend is healthy in a relationship and here are my reasons why…one i believe that it would show the girl if her boyfriend trust her with another guy as friends next i believe that it will show the guy if the girl really wants to be with him or not…wat do i mean by this well many guys get angry at the girl for cheating with the guy friend and he might get mad at the guy for taking his girl…but he shoulfnt get mad because that shows that the girl did nto want to be with him and its better to find out soon then later…so let her go if she doesnt cheat on you then hey she really wants to be with you but if she does cheat on you then she doenst want to be with you…and for the girls if ur boyfriend does not trust you then one day if u plan on gettin married then ur marriage will have problems cause in order for a marriage to work you must trust each other…be happy live happy smile 🙂

  • A word of advice for anyone who thinks that the man they are with is the only man they will ever love: You can fall in love many times during your lifetime, and each time is unique and different. Each relationship has its own issues to be worked out. Love is beautiful – it is not supposed to make you feel bad 24 hours a day. Love is not suspicious because there is nothing to be suspicious of. Jealousy is an illness, and it is his illness, not yours. You can't fix him; he is not a science project. Guys like this don't get over being jealous, they only get worse and yes, this type of jealousy is often the precursor to physical violence. How many years are you willing to spend feeling miserable, sad and scared trying to fix the unfixable? The only person who can fix him is him, and he has to want to.

  • leah

    So I have the same exact problem.

    Except he's the father of my child.

    We fight all the time because he has to work

    16hrs a day. So all I do is sit home with our

    daughter and txt hiim.

    He always thinks I'm sleeping with someone

    Even at our home.

    I'd never cheat on him.

    I addressed the problem many times..

    Like last night for example.

    I told him if he didn't stop being controlling

    And jealous I'd leave him and wouldn't turn back

    This time.

    We have been together since I was 15.

    Its very complicated.

    It seems like every year he gets more protective and

    Jealous.

    All I can say is if you truly love him..

    Then help him. Help him forget the past and worry

    About your future.. If he truly loves you like he says he does

    Than tell him that you love him and your only there for him and

    That you don't want anyone else because if you did

    You wouldn't be with him you'd be with someone else.

    Thanks,

    Leah : )

  • Jessica

    My boyfriend is extreamly insecure and does not trust me!

    I gave him no reason not to .. It's bcuz all his ex's cheated !!

    When I'm at a gf's house he don't even believe me, he believes I could be with a guy and not tellin him. Or if I was with a gf that other guys could be there and me not telling him and that if I did something he'd never find out bcuz my friends woulnt tell on me!

    I don't know what to do bcuz I really love him and wanna with with him & I wouldn't ever cheat or do anything to hurt him so all this is hard to handle!

    What am I suppose to do??? Help!!!

    He even says he don't know how to change and that he don't know if he'll ever trust me!

    He loves me to death and wants to be with me but he won't forget his past and believe me about anything!!!