How to Stop Being Jealous of Your Partner’s Ex

woman jealous of exAs I point out in my audio program “20 Laws of Successful Relationships”, being jealous of your partners’ ex and comparing yourself to an ex is pointless and even harmful to your own self-esteem and your present relationship. Wondering if that person who was in your partner’s past was better than you, more attractive than you and had a better romantic time and emotional connection with your current partner than you do is unhealthy for many reasons. This kind of jealousy and comparison would make you come across as insecure and thus unattractive and also as plainly annoying to your partner. Further, it is likely to make you very unhappy. Instead of focusing on the present and enjoying your own dating situation and your relationship, being hung up on what your dating partner did before he/she even met you will literally drive you crazy and prevent you from making the most out of your own relationship. Luckily, there are several, simple and proven to be effective ways you can overcome this issue and liberate yourself from being jealous of our partner’s ex(-es):

1. Realize that there is always someone “better” out there, so being jealous of exes is pointless.

This is just the nature of life. There is always someone out there who is more educated, more professionally accomplished, more physically attractive and more otherwise attractive than you are, no matter who you are. There is nothing wrong with it, and this is just life. But this shouldn’t make any difference to your own life and your own sense of self-worth. After all, we all have our own path in life, our own unique set of circumstances, talents, abilities and opportunities. Your mission should be not being the best out there at any costs but making the most out of what you have, and being the best person that you can be considering all the circumstances of your life, and all your great qualities as well as limitations. Nobody can take the opportunity to do just that from you. If you are too short, or if you have some physical disability or if no matter how hard you try, you can’t get that GMAT score to get you to the best school, you might not be able to do much about those natural limitations. But there is a lot you can do to improve other aspects of who you are – your style, your manner of communication, your sense of humor, and your level of fitness among other things. And as long as you do what’s in your power to improve yourself, you should feel good about yourself.

2. Remember: your partner is with you and not with his/her ex for a reason.

There has to be a reason why your partner is with you and not with his ex or with someone else out there or alone. It’s because he/she wants to be with you and not with that other person that he/she used to be with before meeting you. There must be something about you that he likes and appreciates that makes you more desirable than others. You might not even see or know what it is that is so special about you that your partner finds attractive and interesting in you, but that doesn’t really matter.  You might think that you have to compete with your partner’s ex, but unless you have a reason to believe that it’s not really over between them, you really shouldn’t worry about any such competition. Leave your partner’s past where it belongs – in the past.

3. Accept your partner’s dating past.

Your partner’s love life before he met you is part of his/her life and of who he/she. It is something that actually makes him/her a better and a more experienced partner and lover. You are well aware of the fact that your partner is not a virgin. He has his own history of ups and downs in dating and relationships. The past love life of your partner must have taught him a few valuable lessons about himself and the opposite sex. It’s very likely that his past romantic experience allows him to be a more competent partner now who is less likely to make the same mistakes he did in the past.

Jealousy is a powerful emotion. You should not expect your jealousy to disappear after talking to a friend or an expert once or twice, or reading one article or one self-help book. It takes time to truly overcome and liberate yourself from being jealous. But as you remind yourself of the above points periodically, among doing other things, it will surely help you deal with your jealousy and work toward focusing on your current partner – the person you love and on all of the good things you have together now – and not on his past life and his past dating experiences.

  • Nae

    I dead on agree with this article. Jealous will get you nowhere, it only damages you. But if your SO is friends or just keeps in touch with there exes I would just keep an eye out on the ex. Exes can be very sneaky esp when they say “I dont want anything ” or the most famous line “were just friends.” Ive seen it happen all too many times were an ex and your current SO are friends, next thing you know they like your SO again, or worse they never stopped. Im not saying be jealous of the ex, but what I am saying is keep an eye on them just in case the ex tries to make advances on your SO. Be aware. And I would keep my eye on the ex until I fully know them for myself, not by what my SO tells me. For example, your boyfriend may not see hisex girlfriends jealously of your guy’s relationship, so as a woman keeping an eye out I would catch on to her jealousy quicker than he would regardless of the fact they use to datenor not. Sometimes men don’t catch on to jealousy signs of women. It takes a woman to know a woman at times. So by getting to know the jealous ex for yourself you’ll see the true colors instead of just taking your boyfriends word on how shes a sweet person, when he just doesn’t see the signs of her. Im not saying dont trust your SO for being friends with there ex, I’m saying dont trust the ex until you get to know them for yourself! Im not saying automatically dont trust the ex, im just saying beware until you know for sure. Give the ex a chance. If the ex is still in your SO life they must be important so it’s important you get to know the important people in your SO life. Just like you get to know your SO family and friends you get to know there exes. Im not saying you have to be friends with the ex, just get to know them. Because don’t automatically judge them and say you dont like them because there an ex.But if you have a gut feeling the ex likes your SO let your SO know. But even worse if you feel like your SO and ex still haven’t let go of there feelings, get gone!

  • asliah tomie

    break up with him. dont be a fool and expect that he will change, why does he need to keep it if they know it will hurt your feelings. when you love someone you will not do anything to hurt them. of course he knows that it is bookmarked! it is his computer. and to think of it that the girl has a husband, they don’t respect their relationships so as you. i advice you… dont post it online and try to get revenge karma will do it. yes, he did not cheat on you and told you about it but to think that you thanked him? for being honest? nooo. you deserve better girl. please don’t let yourself take it all.

  • Liz

    Okay, thank you very much!

  • Hello, Liz. This is a difficult question indeed. I think at this point, it sounds like you still love him, so you have to encourage him to be really honest with you and just as importantly with himself – what is it that he wants and who does he want? What you feel he wants and why is not enough, as you might or might not be right. I think talking to him about it in a non-argumentative or accusatory way but in a way that shows that you understand that his situation is not simple either, while providing him with space to be truly honest is the key to resolving this one way or the other.

  • Liz

    Hello, I have been married for 16 yrs. We dated 3 yrs before marriage. When we first started dating, I knew he had a daughter (then 2yrs old). He was never in her life, which bothered me a lot, considering I have 2 daughters of my own. I asked why he didn’t see her and he said it was because he didn’t have time, as he used to work weekends and they lived about 2 hours away. But when he no longer worked weekends, I would question why he didn’t see her, he claimed he would make a bad father and she was better off without him. When we were at the 2 yr mark in dating, my then boyfriend started talking to his ex, who was recently divorced and moved further away. His daughter was now 4yrs old. At this time we just bought a home together My husband claimed he now wanted to be in his daughters life since she no longer had a father figure. I had strong suspicions that he had feelings for his ex and due to many factors, but no proof. Fast forward a year, and not knowing full extent of what happened between he and his ex, I agreed to marry him, even though I pondered the idea that he had previously wanted his ex back and his daughter was his scapegoat. My suspicions confirmed that he was strongly considering getting back with his ex. He admitted that they used to talk daily and he was going to have them move back closer to him. I feel he didn’t go back to her because she wasn’t in love with him, only using him. I should also mention that she cheated on him, that is why their relationship ended. If he had known for sure she truly loved him, I feel he would have gone back to her. I’m always torn by this and I feel it’s damaging our marriage. What should I do, stay or leave? I truly don’t believe he has any kind of contact with her now.

  • Dana

    Let me begin by saying that HONESTY is a major factor for
    me. I am a person that hates lying and does not lie as much as possible.

    I have been daing this guy for a year and a half now. He is
    the sweetest, the best and a very caring partner. He is also of the same
    religion as I am which makes it even more perfect. Families get along, social
    media even, and a lot of friends and family have been supporting us.

    I came from a country where white people are thought
    superior and all. By the way my partner is from Canada. I am from Viet.

    I normally ask my partners about their past. For me, I am
    curious and there is something that makes me interested about the exes. You
    know how girls are.

    On the first day of dating we have spoken about the ex that
    cheated on him, who she was, and I saw how she looked like, her good and bad
    sides, what they did. Pretty much all the details. He answered everything in a
    normal manner. No sugarcoating, no lies. So even if she was the girl that was
    “TO DIE FOR” we still did not argue I admit I felt a bit jealous but
    that was it. Nothing really major. Everytime we argue about her it is always
    minimal and short.

    Then I asked him, who is your other exes, he told me
    something about his first girlfriend. A group that he had a band with, the girl
    was in it. It was his first girlfriend. Again, there was no issue and jealousy
    bouts because I was just told in a normal mode. And then this ex, ugh. I asked
    him about her. Sama questions. He said that she was pretty much perfect and
    that made her sound like The One That Got Away. Uggh.

    And then I got hurt, I cried, he said “Okay from now on
    we are talking about the exes” At the time I felt defeated. Okay. And then
    months passed. I heard stories about her like how bad, how she was not pretty, she
    was described as sleeping around, had acne and being a weird one (like talks to
    herself) and very emotionally manipulative and he just stayed because she
    scared him with death threats that her brother and dad would hurt him if he
    makes her upset or leaves her (the bro and dad we’re in the military) how she
    slept with guys and cheated and did not get along with the family and how he
    was unhappy.

    So that makes the miss sweetheart story were lies. Turns out
    she wasnt so miss perfect apart from what I was told. It was LIES. He said he
    only said it to impress me at the time and he couldn’t really say the truth
    because he was embarrassed at how a girl manipulated him around.

    Things were going lucky and happy. We were alright and
    things were going okay for the relationship. We are the kind of relationship
    people would call, GOALS. Until one time, I found little evidences here and
    there that kind of shows that his first story about “Miss Perfect” was true.
    And then it turns out that she was not horrible as he described him to be.
    Needless to say, my trust was broken and I already am very confused as to what
    he is saying is true. Because he have lied to me, I cannot discern anymore
    which is the truth so the images in my head have mixed up and I have completely
    gone crazy that I imagine maybe she was so perfect maybe he was so happy maybe
    she was so gorgeous maybe she was great in bed maybe they did so much in that
    span of their relationship which upsets me because he told me that he never did
    this and that and I was the only one that he did things with.

    I came from a country where people look at your Past, we are
    kind of conservative where we think that people’s value depreciates along the
    way. Like the more relationships or longevity of it, the less you become in the
    “market” People would frown over a people that used to live or move in or was
    previously married. I also came from a family where I was always compared to my
    older sister in aspects that’s why maybe Im insecure. I am not judgmental I
    have respect for people that were in long term relationships and ended, or
    people that were previously married.
    Props to them for being strong. All I am saying is that I cannot stand being
    with someone that has so much in his baggage and so much in his past that I
    feel like just settling for scraps, left overs and I feel like there is nothing
    special about me anymore because I am not someone’s first. I know it is
    immature I acknowledge it but what can I do. I just feel so insecure and also
    because her girlfriend is Canadian (she is white) and in my country people like
    that are seen as superior and we have stereotypes of them like being the best,
    beautiful, fun to be with bec they are adventurous and really great in bed. I
    wish I could get rid of the insecurity because this is so not fun anymore but
    at the same time I don’t want to just drop it because he lied to me and now
    even when he is making up for it by telling me the truth about their
    relationship, how everything was not as good as I saw it on Facebook, I don’t
    believe him anymore andh completely have an image of his goddess like ex
    girlfriend. All Im saying is that I already had insecurities with the exes
    before as in my past relationship but it was quickly resolved because my ex
    partners would tell me about the past with no glorifying the ex, just telling
    the good and bad. And that is what he did not do. He lied about this particular
    ex, glorified her, and then said the UGLY TRUTH and then now I see bits and
    pieces of eviedences that support the first story, and now I don’t trust
    respect and believe him anymore. It is stupid because in an aspect, I should be
    insecure of the girl right before me, the girl he almost committed suicide for.
    But no, I am not insecure of this girl because when we spoke about her she was
    not glorified, she was just, a past. A girl that he had some fun with but the
    bad outweighed the good. And I have been told of the real story and the things
    I see proves his story. I should be jealous of the first gf but no, I am not
    because he also didn’t glorify her nor lied about her, she was just, the first
    girlfriend. And I quickly got over her. In a nutshell, I feel so low and
    nothing compared to the one ex gf. I feel like he just settled for me (Viet)
    because he just could not work with the white girls even though they are all he
    ever wanted. Had he cheqated on one of them or left them, maybe I would say
    that he did not worship them . I feel like he is just settling for me, because
    I am the only one that loved him and treated him right like yea okay, youre
    less but I’ll settle for you since you treat me good. Least I have a caregiver at the same time. Okay
    lets do it. But the white girls are still the bomb. It just that I couldn’t get
    it right with them. This is what I always think even though he treats me well
    and doesn’t talk to any of his exes. It is just a combination of inferiority,
    insecurity and my trust has been REALLY REALLY BROKEN. Sometimes I think of
    breaking up with him so I don’t hurt him as well with my bickering but I am
    thinking is this really worth it. But the trust and respect in our relationship
    is really gone . What should I do and please help me. we are falling apart now and I begin to despise talking to him though he didnt do me any wrong but because he has lied to me and i dont believe him anymore. It would be easier if he had come clean to me and admit things and have me hurt and get over it rather than him lie to me when I asked him and me find things out on my own and having my trust broken. It was just headshot photos, not kissing, just mirror selfies and posts with no “I love you’s” even its just the culture, insecurity and lies that triggers me to be upset like Im thinking what is so special about her or the relationship that it makes him lie. Its probably so spectacular because you wouldnt hide things for a reason. And she is Canadian they must have had it good and he must have been very proud of her. all those poisonous thoughts in my head. HELP.

  • Cindy

    Thank you practicalh! I appreciate your words. I believe people lie for 2 reasons: to protect themselves or to protect someone else and I do think he wants to protect me. He is the kind of person that if he wasn’t involved, it isn’t his issue. But I do believe he knew what was going on. Thank you again!! I hope, as you said, time will heal this.

  • Hello, Cindy. If things are ok now, the guy deserves the benefit of the doubt, however unlikely it sounds that he didn’t know about this. It’s understandable, however, why he didn’t share this with you – it’s something very private and something that he might have been even embarrassed of sharing with anyone, and he thought there was no good reason to expose you to that stuff. If you really love him and you believe that he loves you too and you have no reason to doubt him today, you should let time do its work. In a few weeks or months, you will start caring about it less and less and move on. One more possible obstacle you might be facing toward getting over this is expecting your guy to be perfect and 100% honest all the time. One lie or one secret that doesn’t really affect you (it’s not like we know he cheated on your or anything like that), should not end an otherwise good relationship.

  • Cindy

    Hello. I have been with my fiancée for 6 years. The first 3 years he was still married and was staying “for his daughter.” He said his ex wife and him stayed in separate rooms, never talked, etc. She knew about us and didn’t care. After we got together, I found some disturbing things on his computer. A lot of bisexual stuff, swingers stuff, Craigslist ads soliciting people, porn and a lot of cuckolding things… which I didn’t even know what that was until now. Also a lot of sites looking for random sex. He denies all of it and said it was her. That he didn’t know about any of it. I never saw any pictures of him, but a lot of pictures of her, mostly naked and in provocative poses. I don’t know if I can believe him. I’m more hurt about him not telling me the truth than if that stuff was really going on. It is hard when someone denies everything. I don’t know what to do. I love him and I know he loves me and I know he wouldn’t want me with anyone else. How do you forgive, overcome the past, overcome jealousy of the ex when you are unsure of what really happened? I know he would never cheat on me now and wouldn’t want to watch ME with other people. This has really contaminated our relationship

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  • ria

    My boyfriend used to talk to a girl very frequently on fb nd as I had his password I always used to fight over this and he would say that she is just a friend. Eventually he dumped me for her but I couldn’t get over him ! After 10 months he texted me one day asking for forgiveness and kept on telling me that he made a huge mistake by ditching me for her. As I was still in love with him we got back together . Since we got back he has been so caring and I know deeply that he loves me but what is troubling me is that it has been 2 years since we got back but I cannot forget that he was the one to leave me ! I feel so jealous and insecure that in every fight I keep on bringing the same shit again and again . He has told me about the time spent with her and even though it wasn’t much but I feel so disgusted and troubled by the thought that they did share something emotional together. He has been supportive by continuously telling me how much he loves me and that she was nothing but a mistake but I donot seem to get this In my head for long ! His x gf still calls and txts him , even though he doesn’t reply to her still I have doubts. I want him to clear cut break all connections with her and that too on a bad note but he says that he doesn’t wanna be the bad guy. I feel that nothing can calm my mind and soul untill they end up on super bad note . Help my depressed mind.

  • Hi, Miranda. How you fee is very understandable. It will take time for you to get over it and get those images out of your head. It would have been better if you didn’t see them but I understand the curiosity. Talking to your boyfriend about what you saw and how it makes you feel would be a good idea to get some support and reassurance from him. However, I would not be asking him to delete these videos – this is something he has done in the past. At the time it was interesting and exciting. It’s part of his life, history, etc…He can hide it away – i.e. out of site out of mind and that should be good enough.

  • Miranda

    My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. Few months ago he told me that him and his ex were doing web porn for a little while for extra cash. At first I was shocked, but then I realized that I’m glad he told me that. It would be so awful to find that out different way. So after a few days being in shock, I came to a conclusion that I still love this man, regardless of his past. But since he told me that, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I even tried to find their videos online, but even thinking of it would make me sick to my stomach. At the other day he asked me to help him with some paper work on his computer, while he was gone I started snooping around his computer looking for something. I wasn’t even hoping to find the videos. But I did. They were hidden under his bookmarks in his web browser in the folder named “Personal”. I felt like my guts were squished by a giant’s foot. I’ve never felt anything like this before. I started watching one of the videos, but I couldn’t take it. I turned it off. I was all shaky. I don’t know why I did that. It would be so much easier not seeing all of that. One thing is knowing that your boyfriend did porn with his ex, and another thing is actually seeing that. I couldn’t sleep for a few days, all I could see in my head is them on that video. It’s so hard to control my anger and jealousy. He knows that something is going on, but I can’t tell him. I don’t understand why he still keeps links to those videos in his bookmarks? It could be from the time they did those videos, and he might not even know they’re there. But still, why does he have it? Why did he let me use his computer, knowing that I can find it? I know they are both moved on: he’s with me and she’s married and just had a kid. But I can’t take those images out of my head. The worst part of it is me having angry and violent thoughts about it. I wanted to send one of those videos to her husband or even put it up on her social media page. That’s not me at all. I’m scared of myself doing something stupid that will hurt her, her husband, my boyfriend, and me. What are your thoughts on that? What should I do in this situation? Thanks in advance!

  • This is a tough and not uncommon situation. With time, she should get over it. I think they to making her current partner feel better is to make sure that she is on good terms with your children and is involved in their lives, and to be as open with her as possible about your interaction with your ex. At the same time, your current partner should respect and accept the fact that you are a father, and there is simply no way around you having to interact with your ex under the circumstances. I think with time, work and being open with each other this is an obstacle you should overcome, but it won’t happen overnight. You should also assure your current partner that she is special to you and you are not evaluating her by her ability to have children. You may not have that special experience with her, but you can have many other special experiences. Children are important, but they are not everything. You have your own life to live and your own relationship to have an enjoy.

  • Jayson

    My girlfriend and I have been together for over 12 months and my ex and I have been separated for over 2 years. I have 2 children with my ex and we have a good relationship. My girlfriend loves the children like her own which is amazing. However my girlfriend is, as she puts it, jealous that me and the ex have the kids as it’s an experience she doesn’t have. In the beginning she was not happy that we discussed anything outside of the children. She constantly questions any contact that we have and feels it’s unnecessary for us to speak about anything other than the kids. She became very upset when I mentioned that I asked her if she had updated the software on her phone. She stressed she would feel better if I was more transparent about what we discuss. Just recently the ex was over, after a month long holiday with the kids, to pick up the kids and we discussed the holiday which included topics such as who the dog was left with. My girlfriend was present the whole time and once the ex left she got upset saying me discussing people she doesn’t know in front of her made her feel like the 3rd wheel and then mentioned that if I want to speak to her about anything other than the kids we can’t be together anymore. I’ve stressed to her that there is nothing between the ex and me but the kids. The ex is also seeing someone so it is more than over between us. However none of this seems to make a difference to my girlfriends behaviour. She never been friends with her exe’s whereas I always have been. I love this girl and I could see us being together till the end, except for this one issue. Is there anything else I can do to help her see that the ex means nothing to me and I’m just trying to keep things civil which means I should be able to have a conversation with her without feeling like I’ve done something wrong?

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  • Nina

    Thank you for replying. Sometimes it is best to get advice from an outside source. My feelings are not based on facts and I must remember that. Thank you.

  • Hi, Nina. Thanks for sharing your feelings. First, it appears that your concerns are based on how you feel and no other factual evidence. This is too much to assume based on too little. More important, it’s critical that you stop comparing yourself to your boyfriend’s ex. Just because you think she is prettier than you are and better in some other respects doesn’t mean that this is what your boyfriend thinks. After all, if he has been with you for a while, there must be some good reasons for it. The other thing that would be very useful for you to do is to share how you feel exactly with your boyfriend. It doesn’t have to be a fight or an argument and you don’t need to accuse him of anything. Just being open about how you feel and allowing him to provide his own input could be very helpful to you finding that piece for the puzzle, especially if he genuinely assures you that you are the one he wants to be with today regardless of the past.
    Please also read this relevant article for your issue:

    http://www.practicalhappiness.com/how-comparing-yourself-can-hurt-your-dating-life/

  • Nina

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. However, 7 months into our relationship, I noticed a number pop up on his phone and it was a girl telling him she just moved back into town and asked him to meet up with her and her child (the child is not his). Well after putting 2 and 2 together since we discussed his ex and her son briefly in the past, I figured out it was her. I read all of their correspondence which was a sum of about 20 text messages in a 3 month span. However, the first text she wrote him was her thanking him for answering her phone call and she is in a really bad place and that she loved him. Other than that, there were no romantic or cheat-worthy messages besides her telling him her boyfriend would be so mad at her if she knew she was talking to him (my boyfriend) just moreso how are you doing, what’s the weather like, blah blah -besides when she asked him to meet her at a store when she moved back into town. Long story short, this has bothered me since that day…which was well over a year ago. I do not feel as pretty as her, I feel that he secretly still wants to be with her but he can’t because she has went back to the father of her child and has an unstable lifestyle. My boyfriend never has talked about her and when he briefly did when we first started dating, he was accepting and over their short lived relationship. I feel betrayed by him still though. I am definitely jealous of this situation and her. It is quite embarrassing because I still bring it up and I know that it has to drive him crazy. My insecurity is embarrassing and I want to overcome it but I can’t help but feel like she is his weakness because she is beautiful and she is “the one that got away”. I don’t feel like her talking to my boyfriend (her ex) behind her boyfriend’s back for emotional support is appropriate and somewhere in the mix I feel insecure about it. I compare myself to her constantly. I have found strange things since then, like an old picture of him and his ex’s son on his shoulders, and I asked him why that would be on his new phone ( i wasn’t looking through his phone he asked me to look at a picture of a bird on his phone and i stumbled upon it ) and he said “it was in one of his old e-mails and he downloaded the picture to see what it was and thought nothing of it”. It is confusing. My gut tells me something is strange- like there is a puzzle piece missing. Thoughts?

  • Hello, Angie. You have the right to feel the way you do and no one can tell you otherwise. Like in many other situations, I believe the best way to handle this is by having a candid, non-argumentative discussion with your boyfriend about how his spending time with his ex makes you feel, regardless of what he feels about it. How you feel should be respected. No doubt we all like attention, and he must not be exception, but going to these lengths is indeed suspicious.

  • Angie

    I don’t mind my boyfriend hanging out with his ex occasionally, but she seems to be somewhat manipulative about it. She knows it has caused some problems for us, yet she continues to want to cry on his shoulder. Seems to me a good friend would back off knowing that. I know he isn’t interested in her in that way, just friends, but I can’t seem to make him understand she is not only using him, but wanting to cause problems between us. Every time the subject comes up, he wants to accuse me of being jealous. I admit to a little jealousy but it’s mostly anger. Tonight he is out with her and some friends at a bar and texting me pictures of her and the friends. Mind you, in the year we’ve been dating I haven’t been able to get him to do that because he isn’t a “bar” person. I really think he likes the attention not just from her, but knowing it makes me angry. I need some advice. I don’t know if I’m the one being manipulated here (yes by both of them) or if I’m truly just making this a bigger deal than it is.

  • I think you should share openly how you feel in a non confrontational manner so that you can have a frank discussion about it and come up with a solution that works for everyone. Perhaps they can be friends without being too touchy feely to respect how you feel? There is no point in hiding how you feel as this will only build up more and more in you. Talk to him and let us know how it goes. This kind of discussion, if brings solution, should only make you closer.

  • Neenberry83

    Hey! I’m pretty much in the same boat. My Girlfriend has an ex, but they are best mates, there is 7 years of past and also they were still in an open relationship for 3 months while she was with me, which I found out 6 months later. (Yep it was rough)We are still together after nearly 20 months. But yet I can’t forget the lies or deciet and even though she says she loves me and she the (ex) means nothing, it really hurts.
    I think if your partner has nothing to hide,,, for example their phone?? Is it there, unlocked ready for you to see? Or is it always on silent, face down and pass coded. Do they want to be alone together? Do you feel like the 3rd wheel, .. you need to ask yourself so many questions and if the answer is no, then you have nothing to worry about.. you need to remember he is with you because he is not in love with his past anymore and his present means so much more.

    Do you worry about him being at his ex’s house? I don’t let my partner be alone with her ever, but that may be because of the lies.
    Is this effecting your relationship??
    Does he get angry or tell you to be quiet when you express your feelings towards his friendship with his ex?

  • HE GOES

    Hi. I think this article hits the nail right on the head for me. I searched online for some kind of help knowing that my feelings of jealousy toward my boyfriends ex. I’m a gay male (33) with a boyfriend of 6 months. I had heard not-good things about the ex from my boyfriend which led to not liking the ex. But it turns out they are good friends now. And I feel my hands are tied behind my back to where I simply have to accept their close friendship because after all they are “great friends”. He has several ties with the ex and he’s often at his house, texting, and face timing. I’m really uncomfortable with their closeness and have tried my best to hide this because I know insecurities are very unattractive. What can I do to stop feeling this way?

  • Ryan Dewan Crawford

    I just wanted to express my gratitude and appreciation to prophet salifu for bringing my husband back to me,I was married to my husband for 4 years and all of a sudden he started seeing another lady (his mistress).he started hailing at me and he was abusive.. and he hated me , but I still loved him with all my heart . the situation made me unsettle and not to focus at work .so a friend told me about trying (prophet salifu )spiritual means to get my husband back and introduced me to him ? i did not listen to her and hoped that my husband will come back home . after 9 month of seperation and depression , it got out of hand and my husband came back home to break the news to me that he want a divorce that he is getting married to his mistress .Hmmm it was so shocking to me ,i felt sad and more depressed ,so i contacted my friend again and decieded to try to use spiritual means reluctantly..although I didn’t believe in all those things? I never thought in a million years that i will get my husband back to me a again. but I was proved wrong.after 24 hours, my husband came back and was pleading..he had realized his mistakes..i just couldn’t believe it that we are back together. I am deeply satisfied and thankful with prophet salifu work .if you also want to fix you marriage or relationship email him at raditionalspellhospital @ gmail com his work is for a better life . yea

  • Hi, Jenny. Thanks for sharing your feelings. I would venture to guess that if your partner is with you, he sees other things in you that he appreciates, wants and needs, besides your ability to have children. Her already has a child. It’s only nature that his daughter is a priority, but this doesn’t mean that there is no more to his life than just and that there isn’t space for you. Perhaps one good thing you can do is encourage him to be open and honest with you and let you know whether your inability to have children is an issue for him, or whether he is fine having one daughter. Then, you can go from there.

  • Jenny

    Hi there. I am really struggling with feelings of inadequacy. I normally am cheerful, i’m accomplished, happy with myself. My partner of one year has a daughter with his ex wife, and there’s no issues with this at all, I’m very fond of his daughter and she’s a blessing in my life.
    The problem is, I myself am infertile and childless, never been married. I just can’t see what I can possibly offer him or contribute to his life. His daughter is the light of his life, I can never provide him with something that makes him so happy. It’s not so much that I’m jealous of him having a past, as I am jealous someone else gave him what I never can.
    Do you have any advice for dealing with these feelings? I am very worried they will harm my relatonship.

  • Heidi

    Hi there,
    I’m the other woman; both of us recently got divorced. Me and him has 2 children. My children is with me and his children is with his ex.
    He is expecting from me to avoid unnecessary contact with my ex, because my ex does take advantage of any communication between me and him. My ex is not the person that phones every day to speak to the children. Therefore communication happens just before the weekend to organise the sleep over by Daddy.
    My BF loves his girls to bits, he makes contact with them every day till he sees them on weekends. That is perfect with me.
    The ex-wife is making unnecessary contact with him. Yes, he doesn’t always reply to her messages. That I can say, he is making an effort. BUT there is times that they are chatting and he realise to late, that is what she was trying to do. Get his attention.
    This past weekend we were all at a 21st, she was also invited. He did try to make me feel relaxed but I was not. BECAUSE ex-wife came to him several times to have a chat/she leaned against him/she was just always around. Earlier the evening I told him that he doesn’t touch me as always…..later the evening he did try but he was not the man I’m used to. Yes, he was a little uncomfortable by times because her eyes was always on him.
    I can’t get over the feeling that he can’t stand up against her. Because he didn’t move away if she is close to him. He was aware of her the whole time because she was always around (he confirmed that).
    I’m trying my best in this relationship but for the past week I just can’t get the feeling off my chest that there is more than what he is telling me/answering me if we talk about her.
    AND THIS DRIVES ME CRAZY. CRAZY JEALOUS.
    I told him this weekend, it’s to quick to expect from me to be in the same room as her. BUT I just need to get over it.

  • Rachel, this article can be quite helpful. Please read and following up with additional thoughts ad questions if you like. http://www.practicalhappiness.com/dating-guy-who-has-children/

  • Rachel

    My boyfriend of 6 months has 2 children with his ex-wife. Their divorce is finalized in a little over a week but they’ve been separated for well over a year. I have no children of my own and find myself getting ridiculously jealous of her because of the experiences she’s had with him in the past (marriage and children). I also get jealous when thinking about them together. Today he was talking about his children’s births and it made me so sad. He noticed and we talked about it and I told him that I don’t want to talk about her, but I like hearing about his kids. He immediately changed the subject because he’s a good listener and really does his best to make me happy. I know this is all my problem, but I don’t know how to get rid of this feeling. I know I have no real reason for this jealousy. To top it off, she’s not completely over him and is envious of me, ironically. I will be meeting her soon so I can meet the kids later. Is there any way to get rid of this consuming green-eyed monster? I don’t want it to negatively effect my relationship as it has already created turmoil within myself.

  • Lydia Long

    Morgan, what actions in particular do you think say otherwise?

  • Lydia Long

    Holy cow. Trapped on a cruise ship with his ex wife? Honestly, I would have put my foot down and refused to go. First of all, it’s insensitive of his family to put you in situations where the ex is in your face. Obviously they have to see her, as she is the mother of their grandchildren. Is there a chance you and the boyfriend might get married? That would put a whole new twist on the relationshiops.

  • Lydia Long

    I know what you’re feeling. It makes me ill to think that my dear husband was once in love with someone else. I wish there was a pill to make it go away.

  • Hi, Perhaps one thing you can do is ask your husband in so many ways to tell you what he thinks is special about you, and if not necessarily better – different from that other woman in a way that makes you want to be with you and not with his ex. Also, please remember that just because they have a lot of similar interests doesn’t mean that she is a better match with him. Common interests is just one element of a relationship.

  • Twinklestar

    My husband of 2 years we have been together 4 years. He was in a long term relationship for 9 years. They were in a committed relationship, living together, they grew together (since they were both quite young 16 and19), there were plans to buy properties together and get married. Somehow something happened and it ended, I believe there is something that he is hiding ad not telling me about the breakup. All I know is they grew apart. They weren’t in love anymore. I feel constantly jealous of her because they have shared so much together. They seem to have lots of similar interests. I have very few with him. She is clever, intelligent and an active activist who cares about the well being of the world and its people. I feel inadequate compared to her. Have spoken to my husband many times about this and I don’t feel reassured that I am better. I know that comparing is bad and not an option, but what I want is to be compared, I want to know what I have that she didn’t and why I am the special one and she wasn’t. is there a way I can overcome this?

  • Morgan Crews

    Thank you!! And he says “that ship sailed a long time ago….” but it just doesn’t feel like thats what he really believes. His actions say otherwise.
    I hope you’re right though because I am really considering getting a refund on our tickets. Im trying to think this through and not jump the gun here.

  • Hi, Morgan.
    Thanks for sharing your story. I suggest you don’t worry so much about what your boyfriend’s family says and pay more attention to what he says – does he say that he cannot get over her and that he still loves her? If not, then it doesn’t matter what his family says. They are not him and they cannot possibly read his feelings.

  • elena deri

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  • Morgan Crews

    My bf and his ex have been divorced since 2001. They have 2 kids together. His ex is engaged, and my bf and I have been together for 2 years. His family says that he has never gotten over her. She cheated on him. They have never gotten back together but his family says that she always wanted him back, but he wouldn’t forgive her. And that hes always loved her and never moved on.
    His ex and her family are completely still connected to my bf’s family. Both family’s still consider each other family. They celebrate special occasions together, they hang out together, their friends are all each others friends. Its like he’s still married to her if you saw the family connection.
    I can’t help but feel very uncomfortable by this. His ex is beautiful and she is genuinely nice. She is someone I would like to be friends with if she wasn’t his ex wife. And when she is around, you can feel the tension that my bf feels. Its uncomfortable and awkward and hurtful. I always feel like the odd man out.
    My ex’s son is graduation from high school this year and all of us are going on a cruise together. Us, his family, his ex wife, and her family. I already have anxieties over this. How do I get past this? Is this jealousy? Insecurities? What is this that makes me feel so uncomfortable and anxious? Thank you.

  • danielle

    For some reason i just cant let it go. Even if you say that, something leaves me clinging in my brain. I just dont get it. Maybe its ny low self esteem.. or maybe because i knew him in high school and i am still getting over that past as well. I dont know.

  • Danielle, the first two things you should do immediately are (1) stop comparing yourself to her and (2) commit to never checking her Facebook page. Her life is completely irrelevant to you and your current relationship. It’s your boyfriend’s past, and unless there is an indication that he still cares about her or misses her or wants to be with her, there is no reason for you to care about her at this point at all.

  • danielle

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for 11 months. In the past.. say, 4 months now, i’ve grown a weird obsession with his ex. I cant stop stalking her facebook page to see if she has uploaded any new
    photos of herself. I think its jealousy. I hate how skinny she is, how cool she acts and how she is so pretty. The thing is.. she ended up cheating on him. Idk. I just hate the fact that he had feelings for her and that they have been close. It bugs me so much. I just cant get over it for some reason. Its getting worse and wont stop weighing on my mind. Its so bad that i wish i never started dating my boyfriend. I wouldnt be in this stressful state right now otherwise. ):

  • KcKid42

    Hey I’m having similar problems I just found out that my girlfriend’s ex was able to “please her more” physically. She said in the best but he was able to give her well you know and I haven’t been able to. She said she cares about me more. She was with him for two years and has been with me a few months. It’s taking a shot on my confidence because this problem is new mad I don’t know how to deal with it! I don’t wanna think he is better than me and I can’t get mad at her.

  • Charna Holden

    They’ve both agreed that it’s only a friendship and that’s all it’s gonna be, he said he left her for he did not have those feelings towards her anymore. This doing nothing but draining our relationship cause I’ve been constantly jealous and worried has coursed us to fight a lot. Atm we are in a limbo relationship and trying to take things slow. I’m unsure of what that means but now I’m worried that my horrible demons have coursed me to start losing him

  • I wish I could say you have nothing to worry about, but of course there is a risk that they will become closer together. On the other hand, if their relationship is transforming into something different, healthy yet non romantic, and that’s truly the case, it’s good for your relationship with him too. If he is on good terms with his ex, especially if they have children, this should make him happier , translating into being a better partner to you.

  • Charna Holden

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months, him and his ex were together for 12 years and had two little ones together. The relationship ended on bad terms but now their starting to build a friendship together, he tells me I have nothing to worry about and he chose to be with me otherwise he’d be with her, but I can’t stop being so jealous of them becoming close again. Help!

  • My pleasure. Tell us about your progress and remember – time does pretty much cure everything.

  • Betty

    Thank you, I really appreciate your response. I’m trying hard to work on these feelings of insecurity and if I keep reminding myself that the past is the past, I think I can get through this. Thank you once again 🙂

  • Hi, Betty. First, recognizing that you have a problem and that it’s your problem is a huge first step toward solving the issue. You should remind yourself that the past is the past. It’s part of your boyfriend’s history and life. Comparing yourself to that other woman is like comparing apples and oranges. If he is serious about you now that’s all that should count. Comparing yourself is a bad idea – you are not in the same categories. Not talking about her and not touching the past is a good idea. He should know not to bring that up. If it has been at least two years and he doesn’t miss her, there is no reason why she should come up in a conversation between the two of you. One more thing you can and should do is share how you feel with your boyfriend. Besides reassuring you that you are the one he wants now, he may be able to offer more support to you as to why you shouldn’t compare yourself and why you have o reason to be jealous.

  • Betty

    Hi, I feel like I’m in a very similar situation to Gonzo, I know it’s completely irrational and all I want is to ‘get over it’ but I honestly can’t and would love some advice on how to change my frame of mind and deal with this crazy jealousy.

    My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years, we are very happy and are planning a future together. This stupid jealousy is 100% my issue, he hasn’t done anything to fuel my fire and I know he would never cheat on me. But for some reason I feel totally envious of his past relationship and am constantly thinking about and comparing myself to his ex girlfriend. They were together for 7 years, he put his future on hold so she could focus on hers, they lived together, partied and took drugs together and share their entire friendship group. And all of this makes me very jealous and insecure. I wish it didn’t.

    I would love some words of wisdom that would help me to get over these feelings, to stop worrying and feeling insecure all the time and to just leave the past where it is, in the past!

  • Hi. Your boyfriend is the one who needs advice. He needs to know a few important things: (1) there is no need to share details of his sex life with his exes, especially the ones that can make his current parent jealous; and (2) no one likes to be compared, especially women. The last thing you need and should be doing is compare yourself and compete to try to match his exes. This is definitely the wrong way to go. To maintain your pride, sense of self worth and dignity you should address this firmly with him and tell him openly that this type of information hurts you and you are not sure at all if you should be together, if that’s how he feels about his ex. Either his steps up reassuring you that you are very special to him in many other ways, or not…. and then you will have to decide what to do.

  • conflicted

    my boyfriend slept with a married women for two years before me. He said he gained feelings for her when they were together they even bought a boat together. What bothers me when she comes up in conversation is a few things: one if he had a chance to do his life over he’d still see her, two he compared her children to mine said hers were “good” kids, three he obviously was really turned on by her cause he would cum too fast during sex so he had to wear a cock ring and they used a sex toy for her pleasure. I have tried numerous times to get him to go buy sex toys with me still hasn’t in fact made me not do it once online. I feel so upset by all this what do I do?

  • Your frustration is uncommon. The two important things to do are: (1) realize and recognize that no relationship is or will perfect. Some of the things you do with this guy you did before with other or he did before with others, and it’s ok. You can’t expect 100% of your relationship to be original and unique for both for you. As long as some aspects of how you feel about each other are unique and special that’s what counts. (2) comparing yourself to his ex is a bad idea – please read this article that should also be helpful to this issue http://www.practicalhappiness.com/how-comparing-yourself-can-hurt-your-dating-life/

  • Gonzo

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and 4 months now. Im 18 and he’s 21. A year before we got together he was in a relationship with a girl for almost three years and
    it had ended due to her breaking it off. I’ve been struggling with this increasing jealousy of her.. I don’t know exactly why I’m jealous of her but I create fights with my boyfriend saying you did this with her or you went here with her and of course it stops us from doing a lot of things. We’ve talked about it over and over and he tells me how the relationship had been over for a while but neither of them broke it off because they were used to each other. I hate thinking that she was his first everything and that she’s prettier and skinnier than me and how his family liked her more. I’m always looking at her Instagram and Facebook and basically I don’t know how to stop this. It would be different if he had broken up with her but he didn’t, she did and he was even heart broken and it doesn’t help that his mom and other people say how much he loved her and all these things that they shouldn’t be telling me. He tells me all the time that I am no doubt a way better girlfriend than she was and how he loves me more but I can’t let her go. I always look at pictures of them because
    of course she hasn’t deleted them even though it’s been 2 years… Any help?

  • dmacintyres

    Yeah… She asked me to give it one more go and I did. And she cheated on me. Frequently. So I think I’m just gonna go ahead and stop feeling things at all instead of dealing with all this bullshit.

  • Pragmatic

    I’m not 100% sure how this is retroactive jealousy. RJ is being jealous about the past. She found this fuck buddy after dating you. During a break or break up, that’s true, but in the present time. I don’t think most people work like that. I mean, your mind doesn’t turn on and off like a switch. Your relationship was OFF or IN PAUSE from a rational point of view. But at emotional level I don’t think you will ever be able to isolate this. She was having sex with this guy at the same time you were having feelings for her. It’s not cheating, but it’s horrible anyway.

  • DarkSparkle

    Well, it’s been three months and we are getting closer to a little more honesty from him, but I wasn’t able to address the situation to all because he did not want them to know I was bothered by their presence/behavior. Add to this, he gets extremely irate and can’t talk for hours sometimes days about things. He simmers down and then acts as if we’ve settled things just by virtue of time passing. Sigh. He knows he has anger issues, but I don’t know how this is related. That’s the update. Thanks.

  • Sounds like she is the one you are truly in love with and thus are so jealous of. You did a lot of work to get together. Now it will take a bit of work and time to let the jealousy and pain from her having a fuckbuddy heal. One useful thing to keep in mind that should help the process is that clearly she had a fuckbuddy to fill the void (just like you started dating someone) and both of you really never caring about each other.

  • dmacintyres

    Fair warning, this is a doozie and will probably be convoluted if anything I say isn’t clear let me know and I will clarify. So 10 months ago I started seeing a girl, we’ll call her Jane. We were both 18 at the time, I am now 19. I have been told I am a very sensitive and compassionate person when it comes to friendships and relationships so that’s definitely playing a role in the situation. We started out as friends for a couple of weeks and due to the mutual attraction and the all too common teenage need to have relationships and sex and all of that good stuff we quickly entered into a relationship. Now Jane had told me she may be moving soon to another state several hours away and didn’t want a long distance relationship and if that happened she’d break us off. I agreed to this and after two weeks she said she would probably be moving soon and said we were through. I was more emotionally invested and it didn’t seem like her moving would be a sure thing so I begged her to stay with me until she was 100% certain she was moving and eventually convinced her to. She ended up not moving away but we had a couple of breakups due to fights caused by both of us being somewhat immature and inexperienced with relationships and communication. We never went more than a couple of weeks before one of us would come back and say screw it let’s get back together.

    Now for the gnarly stuff. Four months in she confessed to having lied to me about various habits like hanging out with guy friends and hanging out with a friend who I thought was a bad influence and smoking weed with said friend. She then dumped me and told me how everything was my fault, etc. I told her we could still be friends but I would need a couple of months to get over us and get to a place where I could move on but she could contact me if she needed me. One month later her grandmother (who raised her) died and she ended up calling me sobbing. I, still being extremely hurt by the relationship, did my best to comfort her but could not really think of anything heartfelt to say or to help. This led to her not speaking to me for another couple of months. After that I contacted her and apologized profusely for what I had done and relatively patched things up in a platonic sense. At this time, I had started dating someone else, though it turned out to be a very short-lived relationship (6 weeks). Then I found out she had found a friend with benefits. Every single ounce of pain from the relationship we had lanced through me and I had to take a break.

    A few weeks ago she contacted me saying she wanted to talk again. We did, and after a fashion decided to give us another go. I told her she had to stop talking to her fuck buddy permanently as a condition for this. She has kept her promise, and is doing everything she can to try and make us work, just as I am. The problem is I’m still jealous over her former fwb. I’ve talked to her about it and she says

  • Swann

    …and here was I thinking it was “guy” thing!

  • Jake Smith

    Hey I’ve been with my girlfriend (we’re both 18) for around 10 months now. Recently I made the mistake mid hookup kidding around, saying your probably did this for so and so, and she said “once”. I was shocked because she gave this kid a bj towards the end of ninth grade, basically because everyone else on the class trip (abroad, on another continent, alone in hotels) was.

    She only got with him three times, and only went that far w him once. But this kid she says she realized he wasn’t a good person, and turns out he had a gf (although he liked my gf better-he was upset when my gf broke it off, she was better looking, and he had liked her since 8th grade, while he had just gotten a gf.)

    I can’t help but feel extremely jealous of this kid, even though me and her lost our virginities to each other, and I got a bj from someone else when I was 16, but in 11th grade.

    She’s not a bad person or a slut by any means, cause she never did that again till me after 12th grade, and realizes it was dumb and a mistake, but I can’t help but feel jealous. She barely got with him but went that far pretty quickly. I can’t help but feel inferior, even though she decided not to be with him even before she found out he had a gf. Maybe I’m jealous he had two girls in ninth grade, while I didn’t really have any until 11th? I didn’t meet her until 11th either, but she wasn’t my first experience.

    Any thoughts?

  • My pleasure, and thanks for your kind words. Let us know how it goes.

  • DarkSparkle

    Thank you so much for your considerate advice. I will try just that.

  • Thanks for sharing your situation. I agree that it’s not fair to ask for him to break his friendship if they are real friendships. However, the reason you are mistrusting is because you probably know how easy it is to cross the line when the exes stay in such close touch. I think you should be open with BOTH of them about how this makes you feel, and that something needs to be done to make you feel more secure about this, whether your fears are unfounded or not. That touchy woman should be able to relate to how you feel as well and be of some help to the situation, unless she rally (secretly) wants him back.

  • DarkSparkle

    I’ve been with a man for over a year now. We left our partners at the end of those relationships and slowly began a trusting, caring and productive union with each other. I have no ties to any exes nor children from them. He on the other hand has kept all of his high school chums, college friends, and is co-parenting a child from his last one. The women friends in his life have either had crushes on him or want his attention flirtatiously or for moral support. I’ve started out being wary but soon learned that they are harmless. All except for one hetero couple. The couple are both his high school friends. He was buddies with the guy who has a very controlling personality and the female friend he had a summer long FWB thing. Soon after they stopped, his buddy started dating his FWB ex and now has a kid with her. The female is very smarmy, touchy and constantly jokes in my face about their history. He is always talking about his buddy as if he is an idiot and self-involved. All the friends know the history. I am always feeling like the outsider. My guy says it’s nothing and to not take issue with her, but he makes play dates with her children and his and says that if the roles were switched he would think it was great. Why am I so mistrusting of his reasoning to stay friends with her and his buddy? She once had a gathering and specifically asked for only old pals to be there as well as their partners, but not me (I guess I didn’t have longevity yet). I don’t think it’s right for me to tell him to cut off the friendships nor is it feasible since the whole group is “incestuously” linked to one another. I am really starting feel disgust for this woman and her partner. What do I do?

  • It’s hard to tell what she was doing, but I can’t say that your suspicions and the way you felt was not justified. Frequent visits and hiding his messages from you is a sure sign that something is not right. And rows might be nothing other than denying the truth – that maybe she still harbors hope of getting back together with him regardless of what she was telling you, especially if, in addition to everything, you also started having major problems with intimacy.

  • Will_I_am

    Hi,

    After being with my girlfriend Kerry for 5 years – I feel I know her pretty well, for the first 18 months of our relationship she was in a bad place still getting divorced from her partner who had cheated and had a baby with the other woman – very bitter times and shouted at him down the phone all the time – couldn’t stand to be near him or his GF. So far most of the 5 years – a pretty normal relationship – but over the last few months – (since her Ex husband split with his partner that he left my GF for) – he has been coming round more and more frequently – (sometimes several times a week) – sits outside with my GF and they drink wine together – and me when I’m there – and – all of this I was prepared to accept – except recently the increased frequency of visits – the closeness and looks and my GF being nervous – twisting her hair and biting her nails – all the things I know after 5 years – are telling me something isn’t right. I tried to discuss with her – but always ended in foul rows about how I suspect them of having sex – she says that will never happen…
    She used to tell me when he rang her – about his latest episodes or sexual encounters – but not anymore – she also started deleting texts and call logs from him. Finally it wasn’t happening in bed – no closeness – no feeling – like resentment After three very bitter rows – I have now left the relationship – hurting massively at the moment – as we had plans for the future. When I walked off after the first row – She says it was my decision to leave the relationship and I had no plans to stay – despite having just spent a fortune on the house and garden and her Kids in the last month. Despite the close relationships with her three Children after 5 years – like getting divorced again! Sorry post so long – Was this me being really selfish and over Jealous? or is it time to leave and stay left?

  • Alanaha Sturman

    Ok bit random but me and my other half hand and argument on Friday at about half nine he went to his mates house and spend the night drinking the problem I have is he has an ex that he cheated on me with b4 he ain’t seen her or had contact with her for over a year my problem is I’ve just looked on her fb and she’s in a relationship as of Saturday don’t get me wrong my fella came bk to me Friday night bit I am now worried as I think something went on as he took too long to txt me bk Friday night any ideas

  • I believe if they just run into each other casually at events, that’s fine and there is no reason to try to keep him away from seeing here, but if he has an active desire to seek her company and see her regularly, this is a legitimate concern given the history that they two had. One good idea would be to encourage him to be honest and tell you whether he still has feelings for her and if there is hope on one side or both sides that they will be together one day again.

  • JeMGlitter

    Hi,
    I need to know if I am over reacting. My friends mostly agree that I’m not, but I do know an aspect is my own insecurity. I met my boyfriend or ex boyfriend possibly at work a little over 2 years ago. I started talking to him and we were interested in each other. He was “seeing” a long time childhood friend who happens to be sisters to his best friend. She is also married. My boyfriend is separated but while married he and this friend had got close and basically for 3 yearsish they were seeing each and cheating on their spouses with each other. He got separated and waited for her to separate also. She did not but kept leading my boyfriend on saying she would. I met him while this was going on and for almost 1 year he was waiting for her but also seeing me and would not give up on her. Eventually he did and started dating me. She is still married. They continue to text each other (although I’m not sure how often really or what they talk about because I try not to pry, but he assures me its not often and not long conversations) and attend events together, party and what not. They were childhood friends remember and her bother is his best friend they often hang out all together. I’m not ok with this. I understand they will each other at events, but I feel that it is not necessary for them to have contact otherwise. Especially considering the history and also the fact that he could not decide to leave her for 1 year while he was seeing both of us. It makes me crazy and sick and I have panic attacks over it. He does not seem to care how it affects me. Am I wrong? I just feel like I can’t live this way. I refuse to allow them to have a friendship that is emotional and close. It make me insane not knowing what is happening between them even if its close friendship. It’s basically ruined our relationship right from the start.

  • Lydia Long

    It’s clear that he’s not over his ex. I wouldn’t put up with it.

  • maria

    hi. somebody help me please. i am jealous about my online partner. jealous about his sex past. i saw some pictures of them not toogether but in same spots, like on taking pictures of the other and i can not helping feeling jealous. i envy her and evey single moment they spent toogether. the wants to meet me but i can not bring myself to let happen. what should i do. helpppppppppp please.

  • The only way to find out what’s going on is to bring this up with your partner by encouraging him to be honest about how he feels about his ex v how he feels about you, and whether he is with you for the right reasons.

  • That’s something that sounds like it would be very hard to tolerate, to say the least.

  • plily

    My boyfriend has an ex who claims I stole him from her and that she’s going to ruin ours but when she gets to his house she seduces him and they end up having sex after,he tells me and I don’t get what to do wheather to back out or be with him

  • Lydia Long

    I have all the same feelings that you do. It’s madness and all-consuming. I can’t even stand to hear a particular state that I know they stayed in.

  • That is an interesting and alarming situation indeed. I have nothing against maintaining some communicating with an ex and remaining friends, but if they really talk that often every day, you should ask him and encourage him to be honest about whether he really wants you in his life or you are just something temporary to help you cope with not being with the mother of his children.

  • Many women tolerate or settle in not so great relationships for various reasons. Some think it’s good enough; other hope it will eventually work out; and some girls are afraid of being alone or taking that step to break up. And that’s wouldn’t be considered “giving up” to him. If they were already in a relationship, she probably felt obligated as a girlfriend to have sex with him. Also, just because she thought sex was bad doesn’t mean that the guy didn’t enjoy it and didn’t want her as often as that.

    I would not assume too much based on that fact alone that your frequency of having sex with her is the same as it was between her and her sex. It really doesn’t say anything about whether she has any issues with you. Instead of asking her directly whether she feels the same about you, I would ask her what specifically she didn’t like about that guy and about having sex with him. I would also very nicely tell her that you would appreciate it if she told you if there was something that she wasn’t happy about as far as your sex life goes.

  • PJ

    My girlfriend was in a serious relationship for 3 years before I met her. She says her ex was bad in bed and also a bad person in general, however she still had sex with him multiple times a week. I have a few issues of confusion with this, Why did she still give it up to him so often? And we have sex the same amount, so its hard not to draw a comparison and makes me question whether she has an underlying issue with me? Do I talk to her about it or try to let it go because I’m reading to deeply into this?

  • Lydia Long

    It’s not unreasonable at all for you to want him to stop talking to his ex. It seems disrespectful to you.

  • Lydia Long

    Just because they have two kids together doesn’t mean he needs to talk to her every day. To me it sounds like he’s not over her. Big red flag.

  • Bonnie

    My boyfriend is best friends with his ex wife. They have 2 kids together. He says they are best friends and they talk on the the phone every morning-every day he tells her every thing about us. It really upsets me because I feel he should be telling me everything not to her. I feel she’s more important to him. But he says they get along for the kids. Not sure what to do

  • Thanks for sharing your issue. I don’t think that an occasional call or a gift from an ex qualifies as an “ex drama” and it sounds quite harmless to me. Have you asked yourself why it gets you so angry. It appears that neither of them have a romantic interest in each other so there is no rational reason for you to be threatened by that. Based on what you are describing, I can’t see why you are turning red and shaking. What is it that you are really afraid of or are upset by?

  • M. Ka

    Ok…so, I understand we all have our pasts. I have no self-esteem issues. I admit I’m not perfect, but I know I am a hard working, good natured woman. My husband died three years ago (I had been married once before this husband, so I know what divorce is…and having an “ex”) and I started dating again. I have dated a lot, and I think I have found the man I want to grow old with. His and my kids are adults. When I started this (and any relationship), I state very clearly, the only thing that I truly walk away from a relationship is “ex-drama.” I almost lost my career over a bitter ex of someone I was dating that stalked me at work and contacted colleagues and started trying to hurt my reputation, and I will not tolerate this. I’ve been in my career for 22 years. I totally accept that he has a past. But I get very upset when his ex calls and relays information that the kids (21-23 in age) could tell him themselves. Along with this, even though she’s remarried, she sends him a “gift” every year. I have no problem and understand everyone has a past and it is what makes him him. But I don’t understand why he does not see my anger in her gifts and calls. Even if it is just “relaying a message,” that the kids could have called about. He thinks I am being petty. In all other areas of our relationship, we are extremely happy. But my heart beat increases, I turn red, and I shake and I get so angry when I have to sit through a call or text from her. I am a logical person and I HATE feeling this way, but I cannot help but notice the physical changes in my health when I have to go through this. Although I have discussed this with him, he says that I am exaggerating the situation. Is it so wrong, since his kids are adults, to not want him to have contact with the ex? My kids (22 and 20) have been talked to by me about not bringing up “the past” with my ex around my boyfriend. I just think it is respectful and I would never want him to feel angry like I am. Along with this, I divorced the ex for many reasons, so I do not want him in my life. I don’t even have him in my phone. Am I crazy? Am I just being petty? Why does my physical body change so much when this happens?

  • Swann

    All true and good – but what we need are some techniques to deal with it! I am irrational about a few of my partners ex’s…. if the subject comes up I terminate it abruptly by changing the subject, or remove myself from the conversation. I also “accidently” read some stuff (is it ever completely accidental?) and it is driving me nuts! In my irrational mind it completely devalues what we have now…I want (or need?) to believe that what we have is special and unique, but when you read or hear stuff from the past it makes me think that, actually no, it is not special, and certainly not unique. She has done it ALL (and more) before – a few times and when she was younger and more virile with a younger more virile partner, and I am just the latest and how can I hope to compare?

    I wont even go to a place on holiday where I know she went with an ex, because I rationalise that she will be thinking about the good time she had with them when they were there. After all, there are enough places in world we can go where she hasn’t been with somebody else….. As I said before, it is driving me nuts, and can’t be too pleasant for her either. If I carry on like this, I WILL simply be the latest – inbetween the last one and the next one!

  • Hurting lady

    I’lol try to make this as short as possible. I already know that I shouldn’t be thinking this but I need help to get it to stop. I’ve even asked my husband if he is ok with me seeking help from a therapist so the therapist can perhaps coach me in how I let go of my jealousy but my husband said no because he does not want a stranger telling us what to do. I mostly keep my crazy thoughts to myself after a handful of arguments with him about his past. But anyway, I feel like I’m hurtin but I know I shouldn’t be. Also my strict childhood has caused me to have an unhealthy way of looking at sex as something dirty if it’s not with someone you love. I find myself getting angry at the fact that my husban had a past that I don’t want to say on here before I get angry, and I was a virgin when I met him I had only him as now we are married. I sometimes I wonder if I’m wild in bed enough for him or if I’m good enough. He used to tell me about an ex which he didn’t love and how wild she was. It hurts my feelings a lot and then sometimes I wish that I did not share my virginity with him and wishing I could turn back time and pursued a relationship with another man. It’s bad , I feel horrible about it no need to rub it in. What do I do? I feel like sex should be loving and caring and sacred but it doesn’t feel that way with my husband. Sometimes when we are havin sex I try to imagine having sex with someone else that loves me the way I want to be loved. Sex with my husband for some reason feels so dirty….. I’m trying to let go of his past so I can move on to the future but I don’t feel that he shares the same views as I do when it comes to love making, I’m yearning for it o be meaningful,sweet, and a sacred act of love.

  • Hello, Eryn. Your concerns are understandable. However, the only and the best way to handle and approach is, is to assume the best until and unless proven otherwise. It sounds like it has been about a year since the news about pregnancy and that’s enough time to get over it fully or at least for the most part. If the guy doesn’t give you an indication now that you are just a rebound or an interim relationship while he is getting over his ex or while he is looking for something better, there is no reason to assume that. Further, even if he was on a rebound when you started dating initially, it doesn’t mean that it couldn’t grow into something bigger over time.

    Yes – you are not his first love, and he might not feel the same about you, as he did about that other girl. This doesn’t mean that it’s less. It’s just different.

    I think if you “couldn’t be happier” in your relationship then it’s definitely worth working on. If you give up for virtually no rational reason, you are basically admitting defeat – losing to yourself and your issues.
    Solving real problems takes time. It’s more than reading one article or going to a few therapy sessions. Sometimes you mind should go through the process of being upset and then you will get over it. Why? Because no one is or can be upset at something forever.
    It might also hep you share how you feel with your bf. Like I mentioned below to other readers, the way to do it is not by accusing him of anything or telling him how angry you are, but by sharing with your honestly how you feel and encouraging them to reassure you that you don’t have much to worry about it.

    Also, you have no reason to dislike that other girl so much. It doesn’t sound like she did anything bad to you or to him.

  • Eryn

    This is going to be fairly lengthy I apologize. I’ve struggled with poor self esteem my whole life and I am always too dependent when it comes to relationships. I know that this is where most of these feelings are coming from, but i am having a serious issue getting past this. I have known my boyfriend of about 6 months since we were best friends in high school and everyone tells us we’re the perfect couple, i honestly couldnt be happier. the problem is that back when we first met (i had a crush on him right away) he was still in love with his ex who left him 2 years before, his first real relationship, whom he stayed friends with (not too much communication but plenty) . I should add that she had a surprise pregnancy with another guy about a year after the split and he was absolutely heartbroken. without realizing how i felt about him at the time he dished out all the details and told me all about how he’d never let go, but in the following months he said things like he needed to move on and he was really mixed up. after some time he found out a friend of his liked him and he was considering dating her, and i told him he should go for it so he wouldn’t know how i felt about him. so he did, very briefly date this girl who cheated on him and that was whatever. after that, though, we became much closer and became what we are today. Now this whole situation leaves me with a million questions that i can’t ask without seeming like a jealous psycho. Am i just a rebound? or did I start as one and then it turned into something real? does he love me for the right reasons or at all? if him and the original ex were to spend more time together would those feelings come back? these intrusive thoughts are killing me and just hearing her name gets me completely rattled, but she is still part of his life and i cant do anything about it. seeing her makes me absolutely nauseous. I am trying my best, i am reading articles, i am working on myself. but i wonder if its worth it… what do you think of this?

  • Antonia Sinfield

    “You should not make a big deal out of it”…. erm, yeah.
    Don’t make a big deal about the fact that your boyfriend wants to use a personal couple’s holiday as an opportunity to meet an ex with whom he had erotic conversations and shared naked pictures throughout YOUR relationship. It’s perfectly cool, since he’s allowing you to watch him and the girl he was masturbating over and exchanging X-rated info with whilst he was with you from a distance.
    Ridiculous advice.
    Sab, leave him. Men who are over their exes don’t pull this crap. I defy you to find any man who would tolerate it if a woman put him in that situation. There really is only so much of this “go gently” nonsense I can take, especially when there’s a glaringly obvious problem.
    He’s not over her. Abandon ship.

  • If you can bring it up in a way that won’t make her feel like you are accusing her or starting a fight, but you only share how you feel, that would be fine. If you think that it will surely turn into an ugly fight, then it’s best to stay off topic and let a little bit of time do its thing.

  • Angelo

    Should I not talk with her about it….or should I be open to bringing it up if it is what I am feeling? I don’t want to come across as persecuting her for something that happened in the past. She knows how upset I was by it. I cannot talk to anyone else about it (friends) because I would not share her private stuff like that. I just don’t know if airing what I am feeling will help heal the situation.

  • Here is my suggestion. Do nothing for now and try to let time do it’s thing. Maybe a few months and then see if you feel better and/or if your perspective on this change. Sometimes, time does nothing, while at other times – it does wonders to clearing mind and telling you what the right thing to do is.

  • Angelo

    Thanks for responding. Staying away from her private things is easy. Letting these thoughts die down is tough. We spend quite a bit a time apart due to work…and its during the apart time that this stuff really begins to fester. Its was the explicit sexual stuff I read that hurt the most. She always came across to me as having a sweet innocence about her….but there was nothing innocent about the person who wrote in that book. I begin to doubt that I really know who she is and worst…cant compare to her past experience. I know most of it is in my head…but I just cant let it go. I know I am wrong…none of this should matter. I need to focus on the present…but the anxiety this bring on still makes me wonder if I need to move on….or how I am going to get past this. I know I can…but I just don’t know how.

  • Hello, Samantha. I am sorry about your emotional state. I am not sure if any article would help. It sounds like you are aware that your behavior are irrational which is a huge step forward toward overcoming this and not letting this ruing what seems to be a good relationship. Perhaps you could help me understand better what goes through your had that makes you so angry. This way, I could either follow up or update my article to add the missing information that could be useful to you and other readers.

  • Samantha

    My boyfriend had an on again off again “toxic” relationship for approx 4 years. He called her a few days before we met (9 months after they broke up) to wish her a happy birthday. He says it was a big mistake to “poke the crazy” and they haven’t spoken since. That was 16 months ago. Zero communication! Yet here I am, going totally psycho..throwing stuff and screaming every time I find something of hers in the house. I’ve been like this with all my boyfriends..and I’m 40!! I think of all the vacations they took and how his family says “he did everything to try to make her happy” and I literally feel my blood boiling. Like I actually get hot. I’m going to ruin my relationship if I don’t stop. This article didn’t help me at all..got anything else?

  • Hello, Angelo. Thanks for sharing your experience of being jealous of your partner’s ex. First, I would encourage you to reframe the whole situation and see it as as good thing. The woman was deeply in love, enjoyed her relationship as long as it lasted and you met after she has only been with one guy. Would it be better if she had a bunch of meaningless relationships and one night stands? I doubt it. If it had been so long since they split, you really shouldn’t worry about anything at all. Even if she wanted to keep old photos or diaries as a history of her life (and not because she misses him) that should be respected, but since it appears that she doesn’t, you have all the less to worry about. Being in love with someone for so long doesn’t go away quickly and maybe there is still a place in her heart for that other guy due to having all the wonderful times they had together, and that’s ok. I bet you yourself have good memories from some women in the past, and it’s only natural. What did you expect from a woman who was with a guy she love for so long? Of course they had great times and strong feeling for each other.
    At this point, it would be a good idea for you to stay away from anything that’s from her private past and simply not worry about it.
    You should give your thoughts time to die down, and it would be an ultimate self-defeat if you would walk for no other reason except inability of conquering your own jealousy.

  • Angelo

    This was an interesting article and I tried to see how I could apply it to myself. Of course, everyone’s circumstances are a bit different. I find myself disturbingly jealous of my significant others ex husband. They were together a long time and have children together. They were apparently high school sweethearts who married young…and even though it was a toxic relationship for her…it was all she knew. He wound up cheating on her an then leaving her for another woman. He was the only man she had been with. (in my case, I have had numerous relationships, some which I ended, some which they ended) I guess point being…if he hadn’t left her…she would probably still be with him. Though she makes no indication now that she has any remaining feelings for this person. They were divorced for several years before we met. We have been together for 5 years…and our relationship started quite casual and became more serious over time. We moved in together last year. I managed to pretty much avoid the jealous feelings for a long time…but as my feelings for her have grown, I felt them starting to nag at me a bit. Silly things started to bother me, a mention of the past, an old photo, etc. Cut to the chase… One day I accidentally came across a journal of hers amongst some old stuff she apparent didn’t know she had brought when she moved in. (no..I was not deliberately going through her stuff….and I know I was wrong to have looked at it…and god I wish I never did!!!!) It was 10 years old from before they divorced. It contained accounts of intimate escapades and her attempts to save her marriage. When I confronter her with it…she insisted she didn’t know even know she still had it…and immediately tossed it in the trash. Yes…I know they were married and they had sex…but now I cant look at her or touch her without recalling what i read and thinking of them together. And the thought of having to come face to face with her x again at a functions for her children for the rest of our lives fills me with disgust. This was a great relationship that is now being ruined by me and these stupid thoughts. In reality she has done nothing wrong to me….but it feels as in the moment as when I caught a partner cheating. I keep expecting something from her to fix the situation….but I know that makes no sense. I have been thinking of walking away so as to not feel this anymore…but why should something from the past have to ruin our present. How do I let this go.?

  • Hello, Katerina.
    It’s normal to feel insecure under those circumstances. If they have known each other for so long, have such a close connection and are still friends, it’s not impossible that one o them or both of them still harbor hope that they can get back together one day. This is not to scare or make you even more worried than you already, but that’s just the reality. It would be a good idea to encourage the guy to be completely honest and open with you about whether part of him still wants to be with her. Also, if they talk and see each other on occasion, it’s not a big deal, but if they talk and see each other all the time, such as a few times a week, then there has to be more between them than just being friends. Whether they have sex when they see each other or not, attraction doesn’t just go away by itself, just because you decided to date someone else.

  • Katerina

    Hi, I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 2 months, and we don’t talk about our past much, because its the past. Though in his past relationship he was best friends with this girl for a long time and she finally decided to go out with him, and they were happy for a while but then she said she didn’t love him anymore, and it was really awkward, and he was really hurt. Then a few months ago I started liking him, but he said he wasn’t over her, then like a month later he asked me out. At that point he and his ex were good friends again, and I really like him, but I can’t help but feel jealous about the relationship (as friends) they share since they’ve known each other forever. I know he wont cheat on me, but I can’t help but feel like if she changed her mind he would break up with me. Maybe I’m just feeling insecure, but I don’t know. I would really appreciate some advice. -Thank You

  • Jessica

    Thank you for your advice.

  • Hello, Jessica. Thanks for sharing the development of your relationship. I agree that you don’t appear to have rational reasons to be concerned. But… if only feelings and emotions were rational. I don’t see how his mother’s admiration of that girl is any threat to you. The same apply to a profession. The fact that you happened to be interested in the same field should have no relevance to any jealousy issues, unless the reason you go into your field is in order to be more like that girl, in which case that would be a real cause of concern.

    Unless you have reason to believe that your guy still has feelings for her and misses her, the fact that his mother or anyone else has good things to say about her is not a bad thing.

  • Jessica

    I had been best friends with my now boyfriend for 4 years during college. First semester ever of college he met a girl who became my best friend. He developed strong feelings for her and I always rooted for them. I knew all the juicy details of their “friendship” even the sexual ones. She even slept over at his families house a couple of times because she lives kind of far away. His family really liked her a lot and him and her shared a lot of interests even sporting a similar sense of humor. For some reason a couple months after first becoming “friends” she just stopped talking to him for a while and he was devastated. I was there to pick up the pieces and to make him confident again. Turns out she had started dating a guy. My own friendship with her started to fade too because we were in different classes and she didn’t really like my then boyfriend.

    Over the course of that time, they still spoke but it wasn’t ever romantic. I knew though, just how much he liked her and probably did for the next two years until he met someone else (they weren’t serious either). Again, I was there to pick up the pieces and make him happier again. He always considered me one of his best friends and told me a lot of personal things.

    Another year or so later, maybe last semester of college, he thought about me in a way he had never thought before, and started getting romantic feelings for me. I wasn’t aware of it at the time. We just started to get closer until the day before graduation, we hung out for the first time in a WHILE (since I was dating someone for most of my college experience who happened to be really abusive). On graduation day we waited for each other to come to the center where it was all happening and we walked out together arm in arm <3

    From then on things changed in a great way. After college he went to study abroad in Italy for a month and we really missed each other. Friends from our class told me that he had spoken about me the whole trip. He brought me back an expensive necklace and earrings, and asked me if we could date officially.

    it's now been almost two years since then, and we are extremely happy with each other. We talk about our future together and even about marriage sometimes. We have very many similarities as people and have a ton of the same goals and interests. ESPECIALLY dogs <3 He's the sweetest most deserving guy in the world and I know that he loves me. He's told me that he thought he knew what love was before, but he was wrong 🙂

    What makes me upset has really nothing to do with him and most (to be honest) with me. I'm jealous of his ex (the first girl i mentioned). His mother doesn't talk to her a ton but she still roots for her when something good comes into her life… his mother posts such nice things in response to her statuses (on facebook) sometimes and it really bothers me, because even though his mother really loves me and we really share a lot of the same feelings and moral thoughts, it surprises me that she would think I would be comfortable over seeing her comments ( as it comes through newsfeed on facebook and I am still fb friends with that girl).

    I suppose it also doesn't help that she is in the same exact profession
    that I want to eventually be involved in and I'm probably a little
    jealous that she's becoming so successful.

    It hurts my feelings because I really did know too much info about their "friendship"and what she did to him and how he still had feelings for her for a while. And that before I told him to stop talking to her (after we started dating), they spoke a lot (mind you it wasn't romantic conversations)….

    Its all just A LOT for me ( a girl lol ) to think about as someone who has been through a lot regarding backstabbing friendships and horrible boyfriends who sometimes found interests in my close friends and who have abused me.

    I'm aware that I have these (among quite a few) irrational thoughts, but I've just lived a long life with dysfunctional hurtful people (even people in my own family growing up) and I'm not used to such a wonderfully loving relationship with a man that I know really and truly loves me and has demonstrated so. I'm not used to guys like him and I'm just trying to let all my feelings out without him having to hear it because he doesn't deserve it and I'm trying to better myself for him.

    I know that this post is awfully long, but I'm hoping someone could give me some advice on how to move past it so that the thoughts don't control me anymore.

    Thank you so much for your time.

    Jessica.

  • If he all he wants is to have a conversation with her, you should not make a big deal out of it. If you have reason to beleve that there is more, then you should encourage your boyfriend to be honest with you about how he feels about her and see what he says.

  • sab

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years now. Our biggest issue has always been his ex girlfriend. they were together for 4 years, but 3 years as a long distance relationship (she was expelled from the US and sent back to Mexico). Since their breakup in 2010, they have never seen each other again, but they have always kept in touch on fb. She begged him to give her a second chance and it’s been like this for 4 years. A few months ago, i discovered naked pictures of her on my boyfriend’s phone. I confronted her and she admitted they even had erotic conversations. I broke up with my boyfriend, but then he begged me for a second chance. Stupid me, i did. He promised he would never talk to her or even mention her name again. Now that we’re planning a trip to mexico this summer, he told me he wants to meet with her to get closure. To make me feel better, he told me i could come, but i would have to wait at a coffee shop and watch them from distance, while they reminisce about their past. I honestly don’t know what to do. He tells me he loves me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, yet i cannot understand why after 5 years, he needs closure. he believes this closure will help him move on and will make our couple stronger. But everytime he mentions her, i only remember what happened last summer with those naked pictures of her. should i leave him or should i be strong enough to help him close this painful chapter of his life and help him move on…???

  • Sounds good. My pleasure.

  • John D.

    Thank you very much. I’ll talk to her..it’s more clear in my mind now, I will try to stop being a victim but also keep in mind that we’re never completely sure about these things. Thank you so much!

  • Hello, John.

    Thanks for sharing your story. Only she has can answer why she still keeps in touch with him. It doesn’t seem that the reason is that because she still has feelings for him. Perhaps she feels like they are still friends an she just wants to keep some kind of minimum contact with him. Do you have the right and should you be asking her to not talking to him or unfriend him? That’s a tough call and it really depends on who she is, who you are, and the dynamics between the two of you.

    Like I have done a few times lately to the readers, I highly recommend that you stop obsessing over her Facebook activity. Just don’t even go there. Here is a relevant article / video on this issue that you should definitely watch: http://www.practicalhappiness.com/stop-analyzing-facebook-activity/

    One more thing – you should not allow yourself become a victim of your past. Just because one girl cheated on you, doesn’t mean that everyone else is like that, or even the majority. Your concern is understandable, but try not to let your past ruin your present future.
    Also, keep in mind that there are only so many things in your control. The other person’s behavior is not up to you and there are no insurance policies against affairs, break-ups, etc…. This doesn’t mean that you should expect to be cheated on, but you should be realistic in that you should hope for the best, but at the same time realize that you can’t guard your girlfriend’s behavior 100%.

    When you talk to your girlfriend – a better way to encourage her to be honest and to tell you the real reason she is talking to that guy is by telling her that you are just trying to understand her, rather than start some kind of argument, fight or accusing her of things.

  • John D.

    Hello,

    I’ve been with my girlfriend for 3 months now and we talked a lot about our past experiences in relationship. It never bothered me and we learned a lot about ourselves and what we really want in our relationship. She broke up with her ex boyfriend 5 months ago, they don’t see each other anymore, they were together for a year.

    I broke up with my ex girlfriend 8 months ago, she has been unfaithful, she slept with another man. I’ve been really affected and was not able to be confident about her so I broke up.

    THE PROBLEM IS: Now that I’m starting to feel closer to my girlfriend, I also feel jealous about her ex boyfriend. They talk to each other sometimes on facebook, just giving news. I explained to her the fact that I’m feeling kind of jealous because I’ve been hurt in my last relationship. She understood and she decided to see her ex boyfriend so she could explain to him that she need him to stop sending her messages every weeks and even stop sending messages. So he does!! Until now..

    Last days I was spending time with her and saw on her facebook that she had a conversation with him saying Happy New Year and this kind of stuffs. Then I felt so really bad about this…I know it may sounds that I’m a possessive man but I swear I’m usually not. She said that she don’t want to stop talking to him from now t’ill the end of her life. She said that she don’t want to talk to him because she doesn’t have anything to say to him..but that it could possibly happen that she wrote him something in 2 months or so just to have some news. I explained to her that I just don’t get why she needs to keep in touch with him. To me it sounds like she’s afraid to let go a 100% of her last relationship..to me it sounds like ” Why she NEEDS to keep in touch with him” ? She said to me that she don’t love him anymore and that she don’t want me to feel bad about that, that she love me very much and she knows it may sounds weird to me but she wants to keep in touch from time to time with him. But I’m getting very mad every time I see his name because I don’t understand why they NEED to keep in touch. The thing I know is that I’ve been hurt before and I lost confidence in love and relationship, and that I’ve never had a long term relationship so I couldn’t understand the ”keep in touch” thing of her last relationship. I don’t fear that she will be unfaithful, I don’t fear that she still love him..I can’t understand why I feel like that but it hurts..I love her but it’s so easy for me to think about all that stuff and start to feel angry about myself.

    So why is that? Could you help me please?

  • Hello,

    First, just because your husband was not happy with his ex overall doesn’t mean that they didn’t have any good times and moments together at all. After all, there are reasons why they were together for some time – they must have liked each other at least for some period of time before things stopped working out.

    I think it’s important to respect people’s past and let them keep a history of their previously relationships if they want to. That doesn’t mean that he misses her or he wants to be back with her. He might just want to keep some kind of record of his past life. That’s what Facebook “timeline” is for anyway…

    Please also read this relevant article to your questions:

    http://www.practicalhappiness.com/stop-analyzing-facebook-activity/

  • Rima Toledo Felizardo

    Hello,
    I am 4 months married and I’m on my way of our 1st baby. My husband had a 3-4 years on and off relationship with his live in partner and had ex girlfriend’s before me. He said that his relationship with his live in partner was all messed up and miserable, but I just found last 2 months an album of him and that ex of him in his Facebook account, of course happy photos of them together. It was awful and I felt bad. I confronted him and he told me to delete the album, but I didn’t because I wanted him to do that. What he did was deactivated his account for a week. When I asked why he did that, he said, me and the baby are important not the Facebook account. So, I was expecting that he already deleted the album, and just this week I found out that the album is still there. I felt annoyed, betrayed and un composed. I really don’t know what to do next. Please help. Thank you.

  • The first thing you should do is to stop going at his Facebook page and stop comparing yourself to her or to any other women. Unless you have reasons to suspect that he still cares about her or he is not faithful, obsessing over what’s going on on his Facebook page will only lead to pointless arguments, fights and other problems.

  • It’s going to be end of mine day, except before ending I am reading this enormous paragraph to increase my experience.

  • flouny

    What were the answer to the questions you posed on here? His answer should give you a good indication.

  • Sarah

    I have asked him. He tells me that he was never “in love” it was a business arrangement. I asked how you move from Pennsylvania to Florida to North Carolina and back to Pennsylvania to buy a house together if you’re not in love. How do you leave your children if you’re not in love.

  • Dear Sarah,
    I believe the first key to answering your question is encouraging your boyfriend to be 100% honest about whether he still has feelings for his ex. It’s often quite hard for people to be honest with others and themselves about who and what they want, but this should be the first stage in finding an answer to your question.

  • Sarah

    I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months. He was married twice. The first he has two kids with. She cheated and they divorced after 4 years. Their kids are 24 and 26 now.

    His second wife is different. He says it was a business arrangement as she was sick and needed medical benefits. They met in 1993, moved to Florida together within a year and then to North Carolina. They separated in 2009 and were divorced in 2011. They were never happy, they had terrible sex….he said it was bad, really bad. He was miserable. So why stay together for 20 years !

    Two months ago it comes out that he still lived with her until May 2013, 10 months before we met. He asked me out after she met someone two weeks before. He was going there every week the first 3 months we were together to pick up his mail. It got to the point 2 months ago that I lost it.

    Just because I don’t say anything doesn’t mean I don’t notice all the calls and texts. You don’t have kids together why are you always talking. We are having a dinner in a very fancy restaurant and he answers her call. We are on the couch at 10:00pm and he answers her call. We are driving to dinner for my birthday two weeks ago and he answers her call.

    I googled her. There are thousands of pictures of them smiling together, they’re on vacations…..lots of them…..in bubbly bathtubs together. When I showed he him he was angry with her for posting them. He said she was ruining everything. Why tell me that you were never happy but you stayed for 20 years? Why tell me that you were only going throught the motions for 20 years?

    He lied to me about everything having to do with her. I have never been a jealous person and now I am and it’s making me crazy. It is so hard for me to trust him after he lied to me about this women.

    He started mentioning marriage to me 2 months after we met. Does he just not want to be alone? I have never been married and I have a fear of loss from losing sibling when I was very young. I have a fear of commitment. How can I commit to someone I don’t trust?

  • Tanya Lawson

    I live in USA a country where Divorce cases seems to be the order of the day,i was married to my husband Lawson for 18 years and we were living happily together with our 3 kids and all of a sudden their came this sad moment for the first time in my life i curt my husband having an affair with a lady outside our marriage before this time i have already started noticing strange behavior like he used to spend some time with us, comes home early after work but since he started having an affair with this lady all his love for his wife gone and he now treats me badly and will not always make me happy.I had to keep on moving with my life never knowing that our marriage was now leading to divorce which i can not take because i love Lawson my husband so much and i can’t afford to loose him to this strange Lady,i had to seek a friends advice on how i could resolve my marriage problem and make the divorce case not to take place and my husband live this Lady and come back to me again having heard my story my friend decided to help me at all cost she then referred me to A spell caster named Priest Ajigar, my friend also told me that Priest Ajigar have helped so many people that were going through divorce, and also finding possible ways to amend their broken relationship. To cut my story short i contacted Priest Ajigar and in just four days after the spell was done my husband left the other lady and withdrew the divorce case all till now my husband is with me and he now treats me well and we are living happily together again all appreciation goes to Priest Ajigar i never could have done this my self, so to whom it may concern if you are finding difficulty in your relationship or having problems in your marriage just contact Priest Ajigar he is Powerful and his spell works perfectly,i am somebody who never believed or heard about spell but i gave it a try with Priest Ajigar and today every thing is working well for me and if you need his help his email is (priestajigarspells@live.com)

  • No, you can talk about it after you meet, spend some time together and get comfortable with each other.

  • flouny

    Should this be done before we meet?

  • It's understandable. Perhaps you should consider talking more about this and openly sharing with how you still feel. It's possible that he meant to say exactly what you wanted him to say but he just didn't formulate it properly.

  • flouny

    Well I don't know what he's thinking. While I think he is honest with me, there's a part of me that wonders if he holds back because he doesn't want to offend me. The other day I asked "Hey, if you want space it's ok…You know, sometimes I feel like I'm someone's replacement"…

    All he said was that "I'm sorry you feel like someone's replacement"…which doesn't really bode well for me. I was hoping he'd say something to the effect of "I've no desire to be with my ex, I don't know what the future holds but I want to see how things go with you"

  • It really depends on the specific reasons why he feels it's important for him to do that. If he really wants to maintain a diary for himself of his life history and if you don't have any other reasons to suspect that he is not faithful to you, I would just respect that. I don't think it's a wall fame unless it appears that he is doing this to show off his "notches".

  • flouny

    It's not the main photo but in the photo area…when asked, he said that he doesn't want to change his past because it's part of who he is today.

    Any thoughts? Would you get jealous if you're going out with someone who has a wall of fame, women he's dated?

  • Hi, if it's the main photo, I too would be wondering why he has it up. But again – asking and encouraging him to be honest without making an argument from it right away is the way to go.

  • Flouny

    I realize that, I'm not talking about photos in a shoebox or a photo album. I'm talking about when it's on social media like FB.

    Is it a fine line that one has to tread?

  • Good question. I think the key to any such issue or thing that bother you is talking about it. The important part is not to accuse or make an argument about it, but instead – ask. The reason why a person keeps the photos up matters. For instance, some people like to keep the photos of all of their exes, etc… because that's their life history, good or bad. Unless you have actual reasons to suspect that the guy still have feelings for a specific ex, this shouldn't be an issue. I also have a video that's somewhat relevant to this about overanalyzing your partner's Facebook activity:

  • Flouny

    What is your position on people that keep photos of exes on facebook? I'm not talking about people that stay friends, I'm talking about bad break ups.

    You start dating someone, at the beginning you don't want to say anything because well, you aren't that important to them or you don't have a right to make a big deal out of it because you're in the early stages of dating, nothing commital.

    A few more months and the photos are still up there. The good thing is that at least the person hasn't kept them up but blocked your access, yet if having them up there is bothering you, do you say anything or do you chalk it up to (keeping mementos) of an ex?

  • I really think you should just go with the flow and see how things develop instead of trying to analyze, overanalyze and predict what's going to happen. There is always a risk in love, attraction and passion. That's what makes it both exciting and painful. That's just part of life. We don't mind long personal discussions about dating and relationships at all. In fact, we encourage it. That's one of the purposes of this site and comments.

  • Flouny

    Thanks for answering my questions. At the heart of it, I feel like he is sincere and what I see is what I get. Yesterday I got very mad at him because suddenly he can't travel here in Sept/Oct as we originally planned bc he can't get discounted tix. Its not his fault but I got really mad bc I feel like I'm getting the run around. He says it'd be easier to meet him in a diff country that we had talked of visiting together. I'm gonna be honest, I have reservations meeting someone on foreign soil even if he says he is who he is.

    At the heart of it, I'm really worried that I am wrong about him. Sort of like when the odds are against a relationship, you tell yourself 'everyone is wrong, I know in my heart this is true love' and then you find out you were wrong. You get my drift…I'd like to think we could beat the odds against us (we live half way around the globe) but realism sets in. It will cost a lot of money for us to see one another. It breaks my heart but I was ready to throw in the towel last night and the more I think about it, maybe in the long run this isn't sustainable.

    Fate can bring two people but destiny keeps them apart.

    Should I no longer post on this thread as I seem to be discussing my story too much?

  • Your openness and emotional availability are admirable. I do not suggest that you should actively go and look for "action" right now. I only want to make sure that you don't assume too much about your connection to that guy based on very little, especially when you haven't even met him in person and when you don't even know how he is going to feel about you when you meet him. Wearing your heart on a sleeve is beautiful thing unless you let it make you hope for way too much before you have reasons to do so. Please check out the "dating coaching" tab on this site for private dating consultation.

  • Flouny

    I guess I shouldn't be putting all my eggs into a basket at this point…we seem to be exclusive though not official. I took down my online profile one one site and on another my access is limited so of the guys that do contact me I can't do much to interact with them.

    Maybe I am too naive or I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I feel like at this point if I were to keep my options open, I would somehow be cheating on him. I've actually gone and confessed that I set up and dismantled an online profile and that I did it to find out my desirability factor. He seemed understanding of it and he realizes that I can't wait around for him (this was at the beginning of our talking). Even though I can't get inside his head to know what he's talking about.

    Unfortunately I take people at face value. If a guy tells me he wants to see me, wants to go traveling with me (as is the case with him) then I believe him. I guess what's most fascinating about him is that he has taught me about empathy for others. Don't get me wrong, I've always been empathetic to the plight of others, I work with marginalized indivdiuals. But sensing his low self worth (that he definately felt prior to meeting me) (he doesn't talk about his low self esteem when hes' talking to me) I feel this innate need to protect him, to comfort him, to "save him" if you will. I know that isn't very good and men make alot of mistakes when they go into a relationship thinking they can "come in and save the day". No, I don't want to save the day or be the hero, but I do want to tell him (I have) how important he is and the impact he makes on the lives that he touches, most of all mine.

    Is there anyway to private msg you so that this isn't in the public forum!?

  • Good question. Like everything, being on a rebound is a matter of degree. Is he completely in love with her or does he have some kind of lingering emotion toward her that's about to evaporate? It would be more alarming if he didn't miss her at all, as it would say something about his emotional state. Can you even determine whether he is on a rebound without spending enough time with him and seeing him more than once? He might say that he is or he is not on a rebound, but his actions will likely be far more meaningful than his works.
    I would like to encourage you not to overanalyze the situation too much at this very early point.
    Unfortunately, there are no insurance policies against being strung alone or being mislead. Many women don't realize it but we, guys, often ourselves don't know what we want from any particular woman we are pursuing. Some guys know in advance that they only want to sleep with that girl once or twice, while others believe they are genuinely interested in having a relationship with her, which may or may not change later. Lastly, it does sound to me like you put way more energy into this than him. Traffic safety is a very personal issue, but to me it does sound like an excuse. I hate to say this, but this is precisely the situation where you don't want to put your (dating) life in hold, and being open to meeting other guys in your locality due to the clear uncertainty of the situation with this guy would be highly recommended.

  • Flouny

    Fair enough about trying to find out about a guy as soon as possible.

    "Even if he is"on a rebound "that shouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker" really? I hope I don't sound harsh, but how does that not become a deal breaker? It becomes a case of, well…since I can't have A who I really love, I'll just take B and settle.

    I'm going to be perfectly honest, I don't think actually I know I'm not on the rebound. When I first started talking to him I nursed a broken heart (but it quickly faded because my heart wasn't necessarily broken by the other guy but that his rejection of me confirmed in my mind that I'm worthless in the eyes of men. At the time I knew it was silly to be hung up over a nameless, faceless virtual person but my low self esteem came into the mix.

    Lately though, with all the air traffic dangers and diseases, he seems to hint this isn't a good time to travel. I wonder if this is his way of using "outside factors" to delay his pending trip to see me. I've already set a time frame, if I don't see him sometime in the fall then I'm going to move on. I don't want to be led astray. Am I being unreasonable? If by December I haven't seen him, it'd be 7 months since we began talking and while there are some people that talk to someone online for years before they meet, I can't be one of those people.

    Truth of the matter is though, I'm sort of conflicted in this area too. Because he'll say things or imply things he'd like to do with me, but if he doesn't want to make the leap to come see me then I don't want to waste anymore time or emotional investment. What I want to knwo though, am I being unreasonable if he has concerns about downed airplanes and accidents. How to tell if he genuinely feels worried for his safety or if he's stringing me along, buying time so that he knows for sure if he is over his ex?

  • It's normal to have high expectations from meet each other after spending so much time and building such a connection while being away from each other, but you must time and your in person interactions speak for themselves. Trying to guess now what will and will not happen is pointless. Meeting in person is pretty critical to determining whether you are as interested in each other as you though you were so far for obvious reasons.
    One typical mistake that I think people do, and especially women, is trying to figure the guy out completely as soon as humanly possible. You simply can't. It takes time to figure our where the guy is emotionally and there is no magic test that will tell you within an hour whether he is on a rebound or not. And even if he is – that shouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker. Let's not forget that in a way you are also on a rebound and it's ok.

  • Flouny

    Here's where I think I am either unrealistic or naïve…we talk a lot. We've told one another we like each other a lot, we skype almost every night. We've sent revealing photos of one another (something I would never have done).

    Why wouldn't this translate into real life? He says what he projects is what he is and I'm the same way.

    How could it be different? I'm being really honest and sincere, how could our chemistry not translate? Could you provide some suggestions.

    Even when we meet, are there signs for me to look for to see if he's still on the rebound?

  • Thanks for sharing your story. I agree with the part where you say that you should not try to figure it all out and analyze him before you even meet him. It's way too early to tell whether he is on a rebound and to worry about his ex' pictures. Figure out if you like each other and want to see each other again and then worry about the stuff above later.

  • Flouny

    Leah,

    I wish I had better words of advice for you. At the end of the day, you need to realize that with your fears of jealousy (which are valid) and insecurity you are engaging in a self fulfilling prophecy. I'm not saying you're wrong to do so. Goodness knows I've done it in the past. The fact that you are aware of it makes it that much better imo.

    You need to take a step back, do inventory and figure out if you really want to be with him or if things will work. It's tough that he cheated on a rebound girl with you, not to say that it was doomed from the start.

    I'm in a somewhat dating somewhat not situation with a man halfway around the world. I wont' tell him of course but I honestly think I love him. We've only known each other for about two and a half months, but our daily talking and texting has given us insight into one another deeper than what you would get from dating someone in person. Maybe we are fooling ourselves, I don't know. He's supposed to come visit me soon but I'm afraid that just like you, he still has unresolved feelings for an ex that cheated on him. I've tried to leave a few times and go our separate ways but each time it's very hard and I'm in tears. I don't know what he's thinking, I can't see what he's doing.

    Some things I know about him

    He is very honest with me, I feel like I can trust him. He doesn't sugar coat things.

    So I'm gonna ride it out and wait to see if he comes to visit me and where things go from there. Otherwise I'll always wonder "what if".

    Ask yourself, do you think he's marriage material? Can you see yourself with this man for the rest of your life?

    Good luck and keep us posted.

  • Flouny

    I should have known better than to get involved with a guy but I went against my better judgement and went with my heart.

    Background about me; I am 37, I have been single for the last 16 years. I've dated two guys, one for six months and another for a little over 2 years. Each time I found myself having a self fulfilling prophecy that I knew I wanted out of the relationship. The first one was bad to begin with but I was very young at the time and didn't know better. Guy #2 was not a good communicator, we had a good relationship but when things got bad they got really bad and he could never tell me how he felt. Well, it was at the end of that relationship I truly learned what love really was but what made it hard was that he was gone. He left me and never gave me the closure or explained why he left (although I knew, I wanted to hear it from him). It took me years to get over him. In the meantime, I didn't want to go onto dating sites or speed dating to look for someone for the sake of it.

    Few months ago I was playing an online game and developed a connection with some guy but when I told him I was getting interested in him he bailed and I was rejected. I took it pretty bad and found myself on a broken heart's forum. I posted my story there and I met a guy who shared a similar story of being rejected by his ex.

    We began exchanging private messages that night and we basically traded jibes at one another, he's in australia I am in Canada where his ex was from. Imagine alcoholics anonymous, users were asked to post letters they would otherwise write to their ex. He wrote that he loved her very much, and he always would. He knew that he put her on a pedestal and that any other relationship compared to her would seem like comparing an idol.

    In the meantime, we began exchanging emails and I mean alot of emails. He was surprised how someone as funny and fantastic as I was could still be single, I told him I had alot of demons in my closet. He would later reveal that he seemed to share a deep connection with me that was unmatched by anyone he had met. There've been a few times I've tried to say goodbye and go our separate paths because of the obvious reasons

    1# He lives halfway around the world from me. How could we possibly sustain a relationship?

    He's a very honest person, what I like about him is that I know he's always truthful to me. He's never tried to rush me to meet him or anything like that. At the beginning I don't think he was physically attracted to me, he described me as looking sweet, cute, and lately it's become pretty, sexy and beautiful. I think his feelings for me have altered his view of me physically. What's ironic is he isn't someone I would normally be attracted to yet I find him very attractive because of his personality, the looks seem to go with it now.

    Here's the thing…Previously he didn't go on facebook that often but lately I notice he goes on daily. He hasn't updated his page in a while so I don't know what he really does. I asked him point blank the other day what he does online and he said "not much". I sort of alluded to a friend of mine who had to break away from fb because she would fb stalk other people and all he said was 'yeah'. I have a very bad feeling that he fb stalks his ex to see how she's doing. She didn't want anything to do with him, she cheated on him and broke his heart. I think he still owns two shirts from their time together, one of which he asked her to send back to him. It really irritates me that he wants to hang onto this ratty hoodie because it's a memento from their time together. He claims that when he visits me he has no qualms about replacing it.

    Anyways, back to facebook. He still keeps pictures of her on there. There's a few loving comments to one another. It really bothers me that he keeps them up even though she broke his heart. I casually asked him a question about some of the photos from that time (I didn't mention her specifically, but I know he put two and two together because she went on him to San Francisco and San Diego). He made some comment later that he hasn't updated his page in a while.

    He knows I have low self esteem (which I wonder is why he called me beautiful the other day when I sent a photo of me) so I can't imagine why he wouldn't think pictures of his ex up there on fb wouldn't bother me. He hasn't told his family about me because he is concerned his mom will flip that he's dating another canadian (one broke his heart) and it isn't conventional to date someone you met online.

    My family knows all about him and I haven't told him in so many words but they aren't keen on him at all for obvious reasons (he's halfway around the world, he's of a different background). I try to play it down but I'm willing to deal with the fallout on my side even if they don't approve of him…

    He's supposed to come see me next month but I sort of want to delay it because I'm working out now and I want to lose 10 lbs before I see him…I know I shouldn't but I am very insecure about my appearence and parts of my body. Should I wait until we meet, see if the sparks we feel are the same in person and then when we are official "bf and gf" ask him to take down her photos, or do I just stand by quietly and as you say "let the past stay in the past"? This has been eating away at me for almost as long as I've known him.

    I guess at the end of the day, am I his rebound after all these years of the failed relationship? He says she isn't the one that 'got away' but that her rejection of him confirmed his low self worth. He hadn't dated anyone since 2011 because he didn't have the heart for it. If that's the case, how can he be pouring out his heart one day and suddenly meet me and change his tune?

  • @Leah – your fear and concern is understandable due to your boyfriend's behavior in not so distant past. The concern about any guy looking for female attention elsewhere when you are not around is always valid, let alone with someone who has history for bouncing from one girl to another. As you already notice, being jealous only makes things worse. You must decide for yourself whether you trust him and have a reason to trust him or – if you don't – then you should not be with him at all. Interrogations and pressure won't do anything good.

    At the same time, it's ok for you to ask him to remove unnecessary "triggers" of your jealousy, such as picture, FB messaging, etc…

    The other thing is that if they broke up due to some logistical reasons and not because they just don't want to be with each other, this begs the question – does he still love her and does he miss her? It might be worth encouraging him nice to be honest with you and with himself about that.

  • Leah93

    After reading the above posts, I realize it's "normal" for people to keep in touch with their exes. However I always get a heart-sinking feeling every time I think about my bf talking to his ex. They were together for 3 years while him & I have only been together for half a year. They broke up cause their colleges were in different states. A few days after the break up, he hooked up with a different girl & it became a "rebound" relationship. 2 months later he cheated on the rebound with me, & now we're together. But it's the 3 yr ex that makes me nervous. When my bf & I first started dating, every time I looked over, he was texting/snapchatting his ex. Every time we had sex, I looked up & saw pictures of them on his wall. The only comfort I got was knowing they weren't fb friends anymore. But this summer I got an internship overseas so it's been long distance for 3 months. When we were together, things were pretty good for the most part. But since being here, i've become very needy & upset all the time because I'm so insecure & pessimistic. We're in a constant cycle of confrontation, ignoring each other, & making up. We no longer have fun convos like we did before. Yesterday after another argument, he refriended his ex gf on facebook & they talked all night. I'm afraid because during winter/thanksgiving break, they met up (but he & i weren't serious yet), & I feel like after 6 months they'll def meet up now. I keep thinking about how i'm a million miles away, leaving him without female attention, & him & her going to the movies, restaurants, reminiscing old times, rekindling the flame…etc. I know I shouldn't compare myself to her, but with the way things are going, I feel like he'd find her way more desirable. & even though they broke up, I don't think they'd see each other & not have any left over feelings. I feel like she's probably so nice to him compared to me now. They were together longer so she knows him better than I do. I know it's unfair of me to ask him to stop talking to her, & I know it will only push him away even more, but I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to deal with having them live 10 mins away from each other, still care for each other (he told me), & deal with possibly witnessing them text 24/7 again when I go back. I know that what he does is out of my control so there's no use worrying… but even if i manage to not think about it for now, how can i forget if I go back & I see them msging each other all the time of facebook, and look over & see them texting all the time. I don't want to feel like the "second bitch" again. How do I confront him about this even though he hates when I mention my concern about him & his ex? (I've mentioned it 3 or 4 times in total but they were serious convos). Please help!!

  • Hello,

    It's critical that you stop comparing yourself to your partner's ex. She has her own life situation and her own circumstances. The first necessary step for you is to avoid checking any of her online/social media activity so that you are not exposed to learning anything about her that you don't need to know. There is no benefit at all in your knowing more about her life, her money and her spending habits, and since this shouldn't affect your current relationship, there is simply no reason for you to spend any more time on worry about her financial status v yours. Focus on your own life and try to improve your financial situation without comparing it to anyone else, including your partner's ex.

  • FCM

    I am glad I found this page. I feel I have no hope left or tears to cry. I have been with my fiance 4 years now and we have a child together and live happily together. He has 3 children from his previous marriage and we see them quite often. I know he and his ex wife have NO intention on getting back together at all. She is on her 3rd husband in 4 years now (yes…she didnt hang about for long haha). And has other children herself.

    my problem is, from stories I have been told about there disaster marriage of ten years. It was an unhappy marrieage towards the end, lies and deceat and to this this day I stay dont know what the final straw was. He said she had an affair and she said he did…blah blah blah….anyway….this has made me really dislike her and the thought of her makes my blood boil. But in four years ive come realise this is me just being very jealous. Even though im civil with her because of my step children and we do get on quite well, I cant help keeping an eye on her. She has a much better life, dosent work and claims benefits and goes abroad alot and spends a good £600 a month on beauty and hair treatments. Where as we have nothing. We cant even afford a wedding or decent xmas presents for out children and we both work hard. In their relationship they were always on holidays, she got the big church wedding and even a liposuction after birth of their first child. My pwrtner happily paid for all this for her. But in our relationship we cant even afford new washing machine or anything. I get very jealous of these past experieces for them. I could cry. I suffer quite bad with anxiety and depression and il happily admit it has been made worse in my four years with my partner. Her statuses on whatsapp or her profile picgures upset me, I feel she is stunning compared to me. Got everything she wanted and still is…and I literally cant stop looking at her facebook etc, I feel like a stalker but i feel like I WANT to wind myself up. I hate this so much, I dont want to be this way. I want be just blank her out but I cant. I am in a wonderful relationship but I get veryndown when I think about thi gs my partner has mentioned in the past to me. I feel like I need to check up on her so I can better myself. If she has a new set of hair extentions and puts a photo up ifeel I have to do myself up and take a much better picture. I dont even think my partner is aware of this, or she is. I feel insane. I just wish I could get over this angry jealousy :'''(

  • Candice87

    Hello all,

    I have read all the subsequent commentary/ stories & have to say… as sad as it is… feels good not to be alone in this. My story is as follows. My boyfriend & I have been seeing each other for 9 months now. Although, not a normal 9 months. He’s been gone most of the time traveling for his work. He is a bassist in a band. Anyway, forget the fact he is gone most of the time… and the fact that his job keeps him on the road, in clubs, night after night, in a constant state of “going out” & drinking and partying & around young, pretty carefree girls. Not to mention his history of girls he has slept with (worldwide) goes on & on. I am writing because I am jealous of his ex. He never really gave his heart to any of these girls, but his ex…. well he just about lost himself in her. The love was apparently profound and life altering. Don’t think it was longer than about 8 months to year, but she ended it with him due to long-distance & apparently this turned his world upside down, like the unbearable pain we see in movies… so much so he almost left his career & moved across the globe to be with her.

    Well fast forward to 8 months after their break-up & he & I meet & instantly just connect. Then the past starts to rear its ugly head. We went camping one weekend & I forgot my jacket & he quickly grabbed a sweatshirt out of his dresser… turns out it was hers & she hand made it for him & without knowing I wore it for the majority of the day until I found out it was hers & I just got sick. He said it was only around cuz he forgot to throw it away, but then he eventually confessed, he just wants it around cuz it reminds him of a happy time in his life, but that he is no longer in love with her. That really hurt to be honest. I view happy times as memories & don’t need to keep inanimate objects around to hold onto the past. I am very present in the moment & look towards the future. To make a long story short… I find out they had begun texting again & sending videos & pictures to each other, not to mention that he & his family are all friends with her on Facebook, even though she supposedly put him through the most horrific break-up of his life. I expressed how much all this contact hurt me, and he said he understood, so he would stop contacting her, but would not ignore her if she said hello. That it was just rude. Plus, he mentioned he never got closure & wanted to have a friendship with her, which I think is just him still feeling so hurt & still wanting to hold on to any part of her that he can, due to love, but under the guise of friendship. I am not sure what to do, but little things & reminders of her constantly pop up. Also… because of how painful this break up was he wants to move so slowly with our relationship… doesn’t even French kiss me unless I ask, but swears to be fully committed to me & to give him time. Not sure how to handle all this. Help?

  • Candice

    @Crystal I'm curious what has happened since you posted this, since my story is very similar.

  • @ Jen – we have updated this comment system ever since, so Elaine is unlikely to see your comment, although we hope she can. If you can elaborate on your situation a little more, I will make sure to respond, and hopefully other readers will too.

  • Jen

    Hi, @Elaine!

    I know your comment here was way back in 2012 but I would really appreciate it if you would tell me what eventually happened in your relationship. My current relationship is almost identical except for the marriage part and small details. Right at this moment, I am considering breaking it up with him or continue with this very hard emotional struggle,try to be happy and suck it up when she is mentioned. If you have overcome this stage,I am happy for you. However, I would appreciate it if you share me more of your subsequent experience. Thank you! 🙂

  • It's important to remember that paranoia and fear of losing the relationship is one of the more common reasons for break-ups. It's like self-fulfilling prophecy. Once you pathologically afraid of something, you are more likely to bring it upon yourself. It's critical that you hope for the best in your relationship, while realizing and accepting that anything can happen, and it's not all up to you.

  • mel

    I'm going through same shit but mine lies about it and she does to but she still post pictures of them like there in a relationship on her fscebook .mind u he's hurt me with het many times but says its different now its hard to trust .I just wanna walk away from t his its to a point were I'm hating him

  • The key question in your situation is the reasons why she doesn't want to be photographed. Since it has been a while, perhaps she changed and her views on being photographed has changed. Perhaps it makes her feel bad or objectified in the way that it didn't before, or maybe it even reminds her of her past life with her ex, that she doesn't want to be reminded of?
    Before you try to convince her to agree to be photographed, try to find out why she doesn't want her pictures taken today and go from there. Thanks.

  • PMarsked

    My wife keeps an old photo album where an ex has photographed her in lingerie. I've asked if I can do the same and it's a flat No.
    I am in no way jealous of her ex. I am however resentful that she was happy to do things in her past for partners, but not for me, her husband, the man who has committed his life to her.
    Am I wrong for feeling resentful for her treating me differently, especially when she knows how much I would love to photograph her?

  • Lisa

    Sigh. I have not one, but 2 exes to deal with. One ( the one before me) was a woman he had met around the same time as me, and the one he chose to pursue a relationship with. it only lasted a matter of months, and we have been together now for a year, but i still feel hurt and resentment at being "second choice". This woman is friends with his brother and sister in law and often attends their functions, which makes me feel very uncomfortable. This means that I can behave in ways that are out of character and leads to the whole wound being re opened time and time again.

    The other ex was his girlfriend about 7 years ago. Until me apparently, she was the great love of his life and even though they split several years ago, they remained *friends* until she met another man two years ago. That relationship went through difficulties just as we were starting hours, so there was lots of discussion between the two of them, and I think he has said way too much about me to her. I also know that he has seen her without telling me and that she even asked him to help her move interstate at one point. She posts old photos of them on social media, like she is trying to insert herself as the important woman in his life. What he sees as her being a friend despite their break up, I see as her having her cake and eating it too. i know he doesn't want to go there again, but I cannot help but compare myself and come up short – one because she was first preference and the other because she has history on her side.

    I don't want to be like this. how do I stop it?

  • Jo

    Hi,

    I have a really bad jealousy problem and I really don't know how to overcome it, it is causing my life to be miserable. I have been with my partner for two years now. When we got together he told me he had split with his girlfriend 3 years before, he left her and moved back in with his mom. Until he met me he said he hadn't been with anyone else, only went on three dates with one girl but she wasn't his type. So I thought, that's great, he hasn't been with anyone for ages, he left his ex and didn't have anything to do with her after, so there is nothing to get jealous about. About two months ago, however, I found old messages he and his ex had been sending each other, very intimate and explicit, about how they still turned each other on and sending each other dirty photos, and about meeting up for sex. So it turned out that they were still sleeping together two years after they split. I also found messages between him and the girl he supposedly only had three dates with and it turned out he was sleeping with her when we met. I just don't understand why he lied about all this when there was no need, I thought we had been honest from the start. I asked him why he lied and he said because he knew how i would react and that it didn't matter anyway because we weren't together and it was in the past. It just really hurts that i thought i knew this person but i can't think of him in the same way now. I have become obssesed with these women now, wondering why they were so great and also worry that if he couldn't leave his ex alone when he left her, what's stopping him going back for another go? I have thought about just leaving but we have a 6 month old daughter and have bought a house together. I know i am being ridiculous but i can't help it, it's driving me mad, i have talked to my family and they say just get over it, it's nothing to do with me, it's his past, i know this, but why did he lie?

  • brett

    Stop worrying about the past . There is NOTHING anyone can do about it . focus all this negative energy into positive energy for now and the FUTURE of which you can control and make together !

  • brett

    FORGET about her ! the whole she broke up with him thing is bullsh.. he knew wat he had to do to keep her and he CHOOSE NOT TO DO IT !! Give the present as much effort as you waste on the past and you'll be suprised at how much happier EVERYONE is !!!!!!

  • brett

    Its not the prettiest on the outside , its the one who does'nt bring up things that have already happened! There is no way to change the past , so LET IT GO ! DONT WASTE TIME ON SOMETHING YOU CANT CONTROL !!

  • brett

    If you really believe him , then QUIT WEARING HIM OUT !!!!

  • Izzie

    my boyfriend and I have been together about a year and half, which before we got together we were both in long term relationships, mine was a stable one for 6 years and his on and off for 3 years. Mine, ended on good terms. Whereas his did not and i have reasons to believe she was the one who broke up with him and he tried to get back with her several times after the final split.

    Before getting into a relationship with my bf i was very confident about my looks and the way i am in general. My bf has never done anything to knock this and is constantly telling me how lucky he is and how beautiful i am etc. BUT i dont feel it. ever since i discovered who his ex was, ive dramatically lost confidence in myself and feel one day he will want to be back with her. She is drop dead gorgeous, great figure, outgoing, has lots of friends .. the life and soul of the party so to speak whereas im a little more intravert and laid back.

    i found out recently that when me and my bf first started to 'date' or 'see' each other he was still going round to his exes house. ive confronted him about this, and he said he just wanted to lead her on like she did him. naturally, as a woman, i dont believe this and i assume she binned him off so thats why he continued to date me, as a second option.

    Obviously this was in early days of our relationship before we were even an item but i cant get her out of my head or the fact i feel like second best or plan B. i feel like im going insane (although my bf would never know this as i keep it to myself). I constantly check her facebook to compare her photos to mine. I know this is not healthy and would like to over come this jealous spout but i have no idea how!!

    please …any advice??

  • Siobhan

    Thank you for this, although I find that I already knew these things, number two in particular, but sometimes it just feels like this uncontrollable irrational instinct that I have no say in. Jealousy is such an unpleasant feeling and I wish I could hit an "off" button. Realizing that I am being irrational sometimes isn't enough to make the jealousy go away entirely, but it does help to a degree.

  • @ Mary
    Your concerns are understandable. However, it sounds like you have no reason to really fear that he will go back to her. It is not clear if he still runs into her, but if she is out of his sight and if she is involved, it shouldn’t concern you. As I point out in “20 Laws of Successful Relationships” comparing yourself to his exes is a bad idea. We are all different. That girl must have been very special, but so are you in your own ways, and it sounds like he is trying to reassure you of exactly that.
    Many if not most of us have someone in our past who we had really strong feeling for. Many of us know that there is nothing like first love. But this doesn’t mean that a person can’t love again in a different but equally significant way.

    You must stop comparing yourself to that other woman as it is a total waste of energy. Also, sometimes liking different things, rather than similar, is a good thing as it forces you to be more openminded and learn new things.

  • Mary

    Hi, I have the same problem. Have been dating my bf for 7 months and he used to have a lot of girlfirends and was in a common law relationship for 6 years and have two kids. He came out of the common law relationship easily because he was not in love with her and it was ugly. However he had a girlfriend many years back for 7 years that she broke up with him 10 years ago. he said he cried for a year and after that he started to date but she came back to his life again 2 years ago for few months and she left him again for another man. so he was hurt again but he says not as the first time. he has left him 2 times. he said he never takes her back for what she has done to him! She broke his heart. He keeps telling me how he loves me and tells me nice things about me! he says I have the complete package where as no one else did in his life and he is so lucky to have me!
    However I keep get jeleous of his ex gf that hurt him because she was the only one in his eyes. she was the one!
    now I know the music he likes its nothing like I like. buy she liked the same music. she liked the same things he liked and I am kinda different. I look different than her too. I am pretty and fit but look different than her in case of hair colour and stuff! totally different facial features.
    I am so insecure that she comes back and he takes her again! He keeps telling me he will let me handle it!! I do not know if I can trust that.
    I love him but this keeps coming back to my mind. what if she was more fun? what if she was better for him and it did not work because she left him!
    this feelings are killing me and causing us to argue over little things.
    I am so scared to loose this relationship but this bothers me so much! help!

  • @ RoseDavis
    Your concerns are quite understandable. I hate to say this but at 20, I am pretty sure it’s not the last guy you are dating.
    First, if you absolutely want to have kids but he is done with having kids, then it’s a deal breaker, and the longer your linger around, the more painful the exit will be. If that’s not an issue, and you want to be with him no matter what, then you will have to learn how to handle the third-wheel feeling. One important step is being open with him about how you feel and asking what he can do to make you feel closer. Having a good relationship with his exes can also surprisingly make you feel better about the situation as well.

  • RoseDAVIS

    My situation is very hard for me to overcome mentally and emotionally and i have no one to give me advice. My partner is 35 and i am 20. He has 3 exes (2 he was married to) and has kids with all of them. 3 exes, 4 kids. He admits he still cares for and sometimes misses his latest one with his youngest child but he reassures me all the time he will not go back. He has everything he was searching for with me. But i still have to see his last ex sometimes and i don't know how to be okay with their interactions and that they share something so special and still miss each other. It's hard for me to put any jealousy behind me and not feel insecure in this situation…i want him to be in his sons life and feel bad she doesn't have his support all the time but i just feel in a very weird place. A third wheel :/ and he wants us to all just be friends. The killer is if i ever wanted to have kids with him that has already been taken and he has too many already. I am still young and have time to adjust to all of this but it is still very hard to wrap my mind around. I've always been jealous of exes but i guess i have had past relationships too, only difference is i dont have kids. I love him a lot despite his past and considering his age but i just don't know how to feel okay about it all. Anyway, any helpful advice would be GREATLY appreciated…thx!

  • He is totally using you. ***? How can you not see that? Its dnriefeft when to people are in love, like i would pay for my boyfriend, but he loves me and he would do the same with his money. But in your situation, If anyone should be paying for everything its him! It should at least be 50/50. It sounds like you love him and he doesn't love you. How can any decent man treat a woman like that? And he definitely is using you if he is not intimate with you. You need to ditch this loser for real. Ps. What is a mug?Hey nobody deserves to be treated that way. Seriously. You are being very foolish and i dont mean that to be cruel to you, but you are dude. I dont know how it works where you are from, but i would take his azz to small claims court and get my money back.

  • helen

    I need help i have been with my boyfriend 9 years living in his house 1 year.I was not on the scene when he separated from his wife.i begged him to divorce but he said he coudnt afford it but now she is wanting to so it is all going ahead.she has always been nasty to me and i feel undervalued i have gven up my home -renting to my daughter and fiance they have a baby.i dont have a say in his house-he still has her stuff here i miss having control of my life

  • helen

    reading these makes me feel such a fool .i have been with my partner 9 years and its only now that he is getting divorced cos she wants to re-marry! I was not with him wen they separated.

  • Anonymous

    I am married for 2 years now, my husband and I have been together in total a number of 8 years. His previous relationship only lasted 3 years of which they have 2 daughters. My husband and I have 2 sons together and I'm expecting a third. It sounds ridiculous and stupid but I have an insecurity of his ex especially since she stays just around the corner from us. At first she always wanted us to visit etc. of which I put a stop to that because I felt uncomfortable about it, always afraid that old feeling would develop again between the two of them. In the beginning of our relationship, I found old love letters of which we did argue about but eventually managed to work past that and I threw them out to get that out of my life. There has been a few things that have happened that make me think my husband still has some deep hidden feelings for her of which he will never admit to me because I refuse to be second best. It is minor things but things that matter to me and have left me with this feeling that if she can, she can snatch him at any time. She is also married but she and her husbands marriage is not very strong. Reason for ending the relationship between her and my husband was that my husband caught her cheating twice. I love my husband dearly and would never do that to him to hurt him in any way but how do I stop feeling so insecure about this girl and my suprise when I first met her was shocking because we look alike. I was always afraid that he had chosen me to replace her. He says he loves me and that even if she were the last woman on earth, he wouldn't be interested in her but he was once before and it can very well happen again. I don't want to feel like this, I hate this feeling because it only drives me to feel depressed. Another thing that makes me feel so insecure was that my husband always told he wants a little girl to raise with me since he didn't really raise the two that he has with this woman. I gave him two boys and now our third child is also a boy. I would have loved to have a girl with him but I'm happy about my boy. I don't have any girls, my first son is also from a previous relationship so I only have boys. I feel useless because I couldn't give him the girls that she could. I don't want to feel this way but in a way, even though I feel ashamed to admit it, I feel jealous because I can't give him that. This woman once told me that little girls are their daddy's girls and boys usually the mothers so that makes me feel that she is trying to tell me that my boys will never have the relationship with their father that the girls may have with him, although my husband says he is not as close to the girls because he hasn't raised them from babies but he has raised our boys since birth. How do I get over these horrible feelings that I have and these things that I have in my head. My husband says he loves me, I believe he does but I also think in my heart that he still loves her and maybe has regrets that it didn't work out between them even though he denies it completely and gets angry with me if I ask him questions about it.

  • Lili

    @Jealous Wife,

    I have to say, im just like you! omg, every day i am paranoid. by nature i am a very..well 'germ-phobic' person….the fact that i might be sleeping on the same sheet/duvet/pillows that had been used by other women before keeps me up at night. Ever since i discovered the old photos/emails and my insecurities grew and grew. I started going nuts at redecorating the house. I brought new towels, pillows sheets, pillowcases, and im shopping for new duvets (and secretly disposing my partners) Luckily, when he brought a house for us, so i dont have to think about sharing a living space with his previous girlfriends. he also got a brand new bed and mattress when he got the house, this puts me at ease by a little bit.
    But there are still things i look at in the house and want to throw out.
    Same as you, my partner and his exes traveled together, he even planed to move to a different town for her when they were together(the doctor one). and because i have not been anywhere, we dont even many any photos together, while there are loads photos of his exes. it make me so jealous and frustrated. In our 4 year relationship we have not traveled anywhere, because his new career position, he's on-call all the time and leaving the country is just too much of a mission for him.

    I am shocked that your hubby's ex is still being a parasite in your relationship, if that happened to me, i would have gone bonkers.

    Please feel better that you are not alone. <3
    All my best wishes goes out to you dear.

    Lili

  • Lili

    @Jealous Wife,

    I dont think i can face up to my partner about the emails, i am ashamed of my actions of even looking through his inbox, even though i didnt actually read of them, i still flicked through. The 'subjects' were telling enough.
    Im so glad to hear someone who share my pain. My partner still have the old emails. I know he completely trust me, as he always leave his account active. Therefore i try not to betray that trust but violating his privacy. Especially its the past. However like you dear, i am deeply hurt and insecurities start feed on it. I know one of the ex is a doctor and another one is a account manager of a big company. What am i compared to these career successful women? I always beat up myself over my financial abilities…because im so young, not exactly academically successful. (Im an art student and still in university) I have tried to talk to a close friend, while she assure me that i have nothing to fear, because im younger, physically more attractive etc.etc. Physical appearances will not last forever, and it also wont make me a good person. I dont care that im prettier, thinner, younger, i just want to be successful and a good companion. All i can think about is how much more useless i am compared to them, how much more respectable career they have compared to me. I guess im jealous of their financial abilities as well.. 🙁 I know, im such a looser.
    As for my partner, im sure he have forgotten about his ex(s) and love me truly. I guess im over thinking stuff. I mean he is with me right? but still it eats at me. 🙁

    I hope we can all free ourselves from these pointless, emotionally draining insecurities together.

    Keep in touch dear.

    lili

  • Jealous Wife

    Lili,

    Sorry I overlooked your comment before I posted mine. We’re in the same boat and I myself have cried so much for the same reasons. I confronted my husband about those old photos. I had the same questions that you have, why is he still keeping them, does he still remember those moments? etc… My husband assured me that they’re nothing and then we deleted them together. He admitted it was wrong to keep them and asked for forgiveness but still it hurt me so bad.

    About the emails, I am doing a very conscious effort in avoiding to read his emails as he usually leaves his account active. He told me he already deleted all her emails and I trust him but sometimes there are things that we overlook and i don’t want to go after it like an inspector.

    Talk to him about how you feel regarding those pictures and even the old emails. Talk to him as casually about it as possible, without the crying. I hope you can do it!

    I myself am struggling about jealousy and it’s really not easy and too stressful. I hope we will all feel better.

    Take care.

    Mrs. Jealous

  • Jealous Wife

    Hi everyone!

    I am so glad to have read this article. I have browsed through the comments and found some a bit similar situations. Somehow it makes me feel better reading these stories, a reminder that I’m not alone. You see, I’m married to my husband for just a year but we’ve been in a relationship for two years before getting married. Before me, he had a girl friend with whom he lived with for two years and six months, they broke up about five years ago now but I have seen a lot of their pictures. Since the beginning of our relationship her pictures had always been an issue. I thought he deleted them already since I already told him about how I feel seeing them, that was before we got married. Then we got married and I moved in with him and was surprised to see the same pictures I thought were already disposed of (and then some), and some videos too. It wasn’t easy but I managed to talk to him about it and he deleted them, we deleted them together (except for a few that we overlooked).

    My husband is a very loving, faithful and honest man but after I saw those hell of a lot of pictures I have become paranoid and asked him if there’s anything in the house that belonged to her and he honestly pointed on a few things which he then also disposed except for a mixer because he likes baking and it’s very important in the kitchen.

    I hate feeling insecure and being in the position of comparing myself to someone who exists in the past. They lived in our flat and it drives me insane thinking that they’ve slept in the same bed where we’re sleeping. I know it’s not healthy but I’ve been really doing my best to control this ill-feeling that’s why i’ve been trying to do some research to help myself.

    Also, they have travelled overseas together and it makes me feel so jealous as well that everytime he mentions those countries they went to I couldn’t stop pouting! I am so afraid this will take its toll on our relationship. I don’t want to hate his ex but she tried to ask him to call off our wedding because she is still in love with him and that we were marrying too soon. Of course he told her that she’s just in his past and I’m his future but still I am angry because she dared! She didn’t respect our relationship, she didn’t respect me!

    Oh please anyone help me through this! I don’t want anything in the past to affect what we have now and our future and I don’t want to go crazy by not letting this out. How can I make this feeling go away?

    Thanks

  • kara

    Right, Im 20 and my boyfriend is almost 27 he was with his ex for 8 years, has three kids with her but one of them died at birth. We met only about 4 months after they split but got along straight away. He left her and says he has no feelings for her what so ever but when we first got together she still had feeling for him. They have been through alot together and understand that. She was very annoyed about us being together and even tried to stop him from seeing his kids!!! we have been together just over a year and they barely speak unless its about the kids. . .

    But we recently broke up for about a month, one of the reasons being her. Since being back together they have started talking more. She says she doesnt have feelings for him anymore. He has been very honest with me (always has) and even shown me texts as what what gets said. BUT they have also started going out on ‘family days out’ once a month, if that, they take the kids out together because they have realised how them not talking and arguing will effect the kids.

    i dont know if its because of all the problems she has caused between us in the past or if its because im not used to it and it wasnt like this from the start or if it just me!?! but i dont know how to take it? i keep bringing her up and asking question like ‘what did you talk about’, ‘what got said’, ‘what happened’ he keeps getting annoyed telling me how exhausting it is to tell me everything and repeat himself because he doesnt love her he loves me thats why he is with me and nothing would ever happen its for the kids benefit. i just dont know? i think im pushing him away but im hurting? i dont know what to do or how to be?

    any advice welcome thanks

  • PETE

    I'm in the same boat. My girlfriend and her ex were married for 20 years and she found out he was cheating on her with someone he worked with. Now the guy always calls or comes by the house. he has alot of money and is the father of their 2 children so she feels guilt and spends his money. We have only been dating for 4 months. its gotten to a point where I need to say something to either her or him.

  • practicalhappiness.com

    @Lili
    First, I amdire your ability to reflect on your own behavior and recognize that on some levels you should and on others you shouldn’t feel like that. While I can’t speak for your partner, I tend to keep some things and I know some other people that keep things from their past because they consider it to be part of the past life and part of their history (good or bad). If you had a relationship someone if you loved someone, etc… it’s ok to have something that will remind you of that part of your life. It doesn’t mean that you miss them or that you secretly want them back, although encouraging your partner to be honest and open about that would actually be a good idea.

  • Lili

    I have been crying all yesterday over my own stupidity. I am in my first ever relationship, he and i have been together for 4 years now. We have moved in together and are in a happy loving relationship that have a promising future. I know i probably have no right to be jealous or angry because what’s in the past is the past. I am young, and he is older by 12 years. So i have absolutely no right to be annoyed of his past relationships. I cant expect him not to be involved with anyone while i was growing up, after all :). But being a girl, i cant escape my weaknesses. Because this is my first relationship i am very insecure, constantly i think about the women before me. There have been occasions where i was cleaning the house and unexpectedly found bits and pieces of his old photos of him and his previous girlfriends. Ofcause i know they are harmless, and most likely he forgot he had them left lying at the bottom of some old boxes. Still they ate away at me from the inside. Non of them i feel threatened by, but apart of me wonder, did he forgot about these photos, or he simplily dont want to get rid of them…I have talked to him about them, and he told me he had absolutely no idea he still had them, which he then torn and thrown them out immediately. So why the doubts now?, Silly me!
    Yesterday, he went out and left his computer on and his email open. I walked in wanting to use his computer to check my mails. I know better to invade the privacy of others, so i tried my best not to click on any of his messeges. However i cant help but to notice a contact that shows up repeatably in his inbox. All marked as replied, appeared to go back before we met. No doubt they were from an ex. The titles of the emails appeared very itimate. Again these were old emails, before i was an adult, before he met me. I noticed the last email to this woman was dated when we have been dating for 2 years. This instantly flared up my jealousy and insecurities. I know im in the wrong, I dont have the courage to open any of these messages. Not only because its morally wrong, illegal and…well i dont think i can emotionally take what the emails were about. Still i wonder why, why he would keep these emails? Why not delete them? Why after all these years and while we are already together for 2 years, he would email her again?

    Im so sorry this is long but i really need to get it out of my system. Even if no one reads it.

    Many thanks
    L

  • practicalhappiness.com

    @Shari
    It does sound like the relationship was somewhat irrelevant. If he has been seeing her before seeing you, then simply not telling you about it is not a lie. He wasn’t as open with you, but… how it would serve either of you to talk about her. He chose not to mention her to avoid making you feel jealous or threatened. If he is not doing anything with her you should not let this past interfere with your present, and you certainly shouldn’t give that other woman the pleasure of hurting your current relationship by her storie from the past.

  • Shari

    Could you please comment on my situation. I definitely tend toward jealousy and need to work on that. My boyfriend of almost a year love each other deeply and are considering marriage, which may mean me moving in with him. He had a 6-year relationship with his next door neighbor before me, which he chose not to tell me about. After finding out about me, she phoned me and told me about their relationship. She told me about their relationship plus many hurtful and vengeful things, obviously in an attempt to destroy his relationship with me. I was furious that he hadn't told me, especially as I was coming to stay with him for an extended period of time. According to him, the relationship had been over for a year so he thought it was irrelevant. Now there is anger and hatred between the two of them, which makes the awkwardness and tension worse. Living next to this woman would be difficult for me. Can you offer any advice? Thank you!

    Shari

  • practicalhappiness.com

    @ Lisa
    This is a difficult situation. Only you know if you can handle it or if it will make it more and more difficult for you to see how your boyfriend has to be in touch with his child and the mother of his child. You can’t ask him not to pay attention to them regardless of the past. You need to decide whther it’s worth enduring the pain due to the complexities in this relationship, or whether it’s for your own best to take the tougher approach, commit to moving on and start fresh with a new guy in the future.

  • lisa

    i need some help i recently got bk with my boyfriend after a slpit for 2 years, i knew his ex was pregnant but i wanted him to step up to being a dadi thought i coudl live with it because its the right thing to do but i hate the fact that hes always messaging with her during the birth he statyed at her house leaving me and out daughter at home waiting for him not knowing how to feel let alone whats happening i had a termination (my exs baby) to get my family back it happened but i just feel like im jeajolous and hate the idea he has a baby with someone else someone her cheated on me with in the first place, i know i did the right thing i just cant see how were going to work if hes not listening to me and paying me the attention i need in a relation ship i dnt wnt him to leave or me have to leave i love him so much but i cant take this anymore talking to hims doing nothing someone please help me.

  • Kato

    How do I make my fiances ex jealous?… My partner an I have been together for over a year we were friends during his previous relationship, he left his ex gf of 3 years to be with me, they met young. His parents were disappointed he left her, but he was very unhappy with her. It seems like she did everything for him, but ultimately he was embarrassed of her and told me it only lasted that long because she was his “weekday gf”.

    I went overseas for a few months for work and on returning he asked that I move in with him into his parents house until we find somewhere to live together. To my horror his mum was still in contact with his ex who I thought was way out of the picture, and to top it off they’d met up while I was living at his parents house. My partner didn’t want to say anything for fear of his mum asking us to leave. I found out and sent his ex a message to ask her to back off from his family as it made me uncomfortable her hanging on. I couldn’t talk to his mum because I felt betrayed by her and didn’t want to jeopardize what little relationship I did have with her. His ex didn’t reply and the rendezvous’s continued. I felt so disrespected about the entire situation and my partner didn’t know what to do. Now I really want his ex to burn for being so rude and persistent in a place she does not belong and making me uncomfortable. SUGGESTIONS PLEASE ? : )

  • AML

    I don’t think you should let your BF supports her remember she left him. All u have to do is ask your BF if he still feels something for her ex. I will suggest to stop putting her first than you. I’m sorry but, he is with you rite?

  • Courtney

    @Elaine,
    Elaine, I know this is from a few months ago, but I'd honestly love to talk to you personally. What we are going through is very similar. I also just got married to my now second husband, who honestly, I couldn't ask for anyone better. I love him with all of my heart and if it wasn't for two reasons, we would have the closest thing possible thing to a perfect marriage. I think the fact that I love him SO much, and that I have been married and gone through years with a man, and had a son with him, and I never ever felt even remotely close about him that I feel about my now husband, is what gets me. He put a lot of insecurities in me in the very beginning of our relationship, just like yours did. He says now he was just having conversation, yet he took me to the same places he took his "friend", who he never had a relationship with, but wanted to. There are a few differences in our situations, but they are slight. For instance, he never had an intimate relationship with her, he says. Now, here's thing thing. I trust him with all my heart, I really do. I let my past pathological liar of a husband cause me serious trust issues now. It's something I am working on, but he is literally a pathological, compulsive liar. I dealt with that for 8 years. It's hard to just 'trust'. But, my husband now is an honest, loving, spoil me rotten kind of man. I am a lucky girl, and I never say different. Like I said, I think that's why I have such issues, I get jealous that he ever wanted any one else. It actually bothers me. Not to mention, a guy I was interested in and became very very good friends with after I separated from my first husband showed interest in me, yet always talked about his 'first girlfriend' from 7th grade!!! He said she was the one who got away. 7TH GRADE!!! Guess what? She left her husband a few months after we became good friends and he chased her down and now they are engaged. So…. I have this issue with people missing their past. Do I? NO! Absolutely not. With MY own personal life, when I close a book it's closed and in the fire place burning away. I don't miss anything, I don't even remember good times or good things. I live in the here and now and future with my own personal feelings… but with my husbands, I can't close HIS book. Partly his fault, partly mine for allowing it to bother me. But, with this chick, they went to concerts together, he took her out (she used him, and I do not like her). She stayed at his house because she would get drunk. One night she came to his bedroom, he says, and tried to get in bed with him and he told her no, that he wasn't going to have a one night stand, she got mad and left. This does sound like him, he is a good man with strong morals, but at the same time, he's a MAN! She basically threw herself at him and he said no? It's hard to believe, I won't lie. But, when we first started dating, he was going through cd's for me to listen to, and he gave me one that had a list of the songs on it, and it said "Love, "his name"" at the end. He said he burned it for his sister for Christmas and never gave it to her. Well I listened to it, good music but I noticed a pattern in the songs. They were all "I love you but you don't love me back" theme. Every single one of them. I confronted him, and asked if he burned that cd for a girl. He finally was honest and said yes, he burned it for her for Christmas and never gave it to her. Then I found her initials on it, how I never seen them I have no idea. I was so upset. Now I can't listen to ANY of those songs. Then he made a huge mistake and told him he loves and cares about her and always will and if I don't like it I can leave, during a fight. This broke my heart. I couldn't believe it. He has since said he said it out of anger and frustration and he was stupid because that's not how he feels at all. He talks bad about her now, like he resents her. She has since had a baby (by an unknown man), and was in town (she's from out of town) and asked her dad to tell him to come see her baby! KNOWING he's married and is now a stepfather. He said no. There's a lot more I haven't said, but I feel like we relate so much I'd love to chat with you sometimes. I just feel like there is no one that understands how I feel. I can't talk to anyone. I've actually considered seeing a therapist about this because it causes me a lot of grief. I feel like the day I stop caring is the day I have given up on our love due to bitterness. I do not want that to happen.

  • CC88

    Sometimes I let my jealousy consume me to such a degree that I can’t help but want to punch a wall or my steering wheel. I hate myself so much for letting doubts creep into what has been an otherwise fantastic relationship thus far.

    I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for just over four months now, and she isn’t perfect by any means, but she has done a great job at making me happy, and I have done the same for her. My problem stems from her Facebook profile. I was looking through past photos of her when I touched upon a few of her and her ex from a few years back. Then I found more elsewhere. I asked her about them and asked why she kept him when he did her so badly in the end (cheated on her, got the other girl preggo, abortion). She said that she keeps them as a reminder of the pain she felt from it and subsequently a life lesson. I said sure, but wouldn’t taking them down and erasing them from her life be just as effective? She declined, and obviously becoming emotional over my dredging up the past, asked me not to talk about it again.

    That was a few months ago. Since then we’ve gotten over that awkward conversation, but every now and then I’ll go back and wonder. We’re taking a camping trip this summer, and she told me about one she went on last year with an ex and his friends. Drinking, smoking weed, just a gay ol’ time. Now and then lately I close my eyes and see them in a tent and it makes me sick to my stomach.

    This past Saturday I went too far. While she was in the bathroom I picked up her phone and began to page through her texts, eventually landing on a set between her and a guy that happened three weeks before we met. Flirting, nothing too explicit, then she agreed to meet him at his place one night. The guy lives three blocks away from me, apparently. Now when I go to work and back I drive by that street, and I grip the steering wheel so hard my hand hurts.

    I suppose I’m the one who is messing this up. I went from mild jealousy to invading her privacy. I hate the way I feel, and I have voiced my disdain for jealousy on numerous occasions. She shrugs it off more often than not and says that I’m only human. What matters now is that we found each other. We haven’t said the L-word yet because we feel we’ve thrown it around too easily in the past and want to use it when we both know for certain. But through all this jealousy and internal strife I do feel a strong sense of belonging with her. She wasn’t the mushy hopeless romantic type before I met her, but she does enjoy the gestures I make every now and then.

    I just wish I wasn’t like this anymore. I wish I were brave enough to ask about the ex pictures again, how much it bothers me. I don’t want to lose her, but at the same time I don’t want to subject her to my neuroses any further.

    I don’t know what to do.

  • AShley

    I am really struggling in my relationship these days with jealousy, and insecurity. My current gf is still in contact with her ex, her ex so happens to be dependent on her pain med's and has an addiction. My gf now had let her stay at her place several times, and had contact with her and gave her money while we were together. She tells me they are just friends. My gf now feels guilty that her ex moved here to be with her and feels like she has to take care of her which she doesnt she claims shes so grossed out with her from all the people she sleeps with. Her ex mother moved as well so shes not alone here anymore. It really bothers me alot i know she would be with her if it wasn't for her drug addiction and her confusion with not being gay. It leaves me just feeling like im not good enough and im constantly comparing myself to her. I hate it and its ruining our relationship. I just moved to a new state to be with her and i have no family here either, i just don't understand it. I'm i the problem or is my gf making me feel bad to make it okay for her.

  • T

    I'm in a gay relationship, this is my first bf, he has had a few previously. However his more recent ex he still lives with! Me and my bf go out to a club, and I know he texts his ex and invites him out, and so here I am in the club and suddenly his ex shows up without me knowing he was invited! One night me and my bf somehow followed his ex to his hook up for the night 🙁 and my bf was totally focussed on his ex. I asked him about it and told him he needs to be up front about his feelings if there's any towards his ex, he was insistant there is not feelings. Still to this day I don't like the fact he lives with his ex, I'm worried this will get the better of me, and will ruin things, but at the same time I think he needs to understand where I'm coming from, and make changes on how he is around his ex. I'm freaking out. How do I really get him to understand? He of all people should know as his past relationships he was treated bad. I don't like feeling this awkwardness when I'm over at his place with his ex there….it's like your just friends, not cool!

  • mary

    hi everyone i am having a problem dealing with my partners ex wife i am with my partner now for 12 years he had an affair with me and after 2 to 3 years she served him with divorce papers which all went through the courts they have 4 kids together who are now grown up she got inside their heads and turned them away from their dad there are now grand kids who are being fed the same bad vibes about their grandfather my partners brothers and sisters get on with both me and the ex wife we are invited to alot of his family functions but seeing her there is eating away at me everyone fuses around her and i find myself on my own alot i get very depressed and fed up after these functions when i discuss it with my partners siblings they tell me that i have to accept the way the family is none of them understands as they havent been through any thing like this it has come to the stage where i feel i cant attend any of my partners family functions again but thats not right on him my partner we end up arguing at the functions and afterwards for days sometimes i think he is looking at her i have seen her looking in our direction on several occasions at functions how can with this

  • Elaine

    Help, I too have found some common problems in all the previous posts, but like most mine is somewhat different. I need some true and heartfelt advice from people (men and women please) on how to handle this situation.

    I met my now husband one year ago. We fell in love immediately and made plans to be married in one year. We did just that. I love him dearly and I have no doubts that he loves me dearly.

    Here is the problem; Sometime during the first month that we were dating he brought up one of his best friends (who happens to be a woman). I had no problem that one of his best friends was a female. Then….a few weeks later (after he had brought her up in several of our conversations) I asked if he had ever had a relationship with her……and he had briefly. Being the female that I am, the jealousy kicked in. I kept my mouth shut. Later as we started to experience different events with each other, it seemed more often than not he would bring her up at some point in/during the event, being it a boat ride, concert, movie, etc. At that point I very subtly let him know that it made me feel a bit uncomfortable that he was always bringing her up. He stopped for a while. Then after a couple of months he decided that we needed to meet (me and his “best friend”). I was uncomfortable about it so I stalled him as long as I could. We were invited to her house for a party (mind you she has a boyfriend that has been living with her for a couple of years) so he was there also. I felt as though I had put him off as long as I could and agreed to go. It was a fun evening and she made me feel comfortable, so it wasn’t as bad as I had thought it would be. In my mind, it was like “whew, glad that’s over”. But that wasn’t to be. Once we had met, he kept talking to me about doing things with her and her friends on a weekly basis. Again, I stalled. Then one day we went on a romantic boat trip for the day and I noticed that everytime he took a picture of something beautiful he was texting it to someone. Naturally I thought he was posting it on facebook. Unh uh, later in the evening I found out that he had been sending the pics to her. At that point not only was I jealous, but furious. Once again I kept my temper in check, and kindly let him know that I felt that was inappropriate and somewhat disrespectful to me. He apologized and said he would never do it again. I believed he truly understood finally and let it go. A few weeks later, we had reservations to go to a comedy club and were deciding who to ask to go with us……….and as I had feared, she was the first person he mentioned. AGAIN. I very kindly asked if we could maybe invite someone else…………..he was a little irritated but agreed.

    He continues to talk to her weekly and sometimes daily, whether it be via text or phone………..so I sat down one day and asked him if he would listen to me explain how it made me feel that she seemed always “there”, whether it be physically or emotionally for me. We had a very long calm conversation, he said he understood and agreed he wouldn’t put me in that position again. I believed him and put my fears to rest.

    We were married last week, one of the most wonderful days of my life. Things have been going great. A few days ago he asked me to go to a concert on July 24th which is on a Tuesday and I felt bad, but had to tell him I couldn’t go because even though he is off on Wednesdays I was not and we would be getting home around 2:00am and I wouldn’t be able to get enough rest. He said he understood and he would get some other friend to go with him. The tickets were cheaper if they got more friends to go, so he and another (male) friend were trying to get as many people to go as possible. Everything seemed fine. The next day we were in the kitchen, I was cooking dinner and he was very kindly sitting at the table talking to me while I prepared the meal. Out of the blue he asked me: “Since you can’t go to the concert in July would you be upset if I asked “her” to go with us”? Ok, this time I wasn’t ok with it. I didn’t scream and shout, I simply got very quiet. After a few moments I turned to him and asked if my silence was loud enough for his answer or if he needed to hear my answer out loud? He responded by saying “no I heard you loud and clear”. That night after dinner I told him I needed to talk to him and asked if he wanted to discuss it then or wait until I had calmed down……..he responded that he would just rather get it over with. So, as hard as it was for me I spent the next thirty minutes explaining that even though I tried to understand that they were just “friends”, that it didn’t feel that way to me and I was having a very difficult time with it. He apologized, said he finally got it after “having been beat over the head with it” (which I didn’t feel I had done at all, even though I had wanted to at times).

    Help me. After so many apologizes from him, it’s like I’m on constant alert just waiting for it to happen again. I’m not the kind of person to give ultimatums, so I don’t want to tell him it’s our marriage or her. But honestly sometimes I think she may be the link between the most awesome marriage I could ever ask for and an “ok” marriage.

    I don’t know what to do or what else to say to him……………..I know I’m being a jealous female, but I also feel that he has feelings for her that go beyond “friendship”. One of my issues with this whole ordeal is that I can’t get him to see what I see.

    I told him this morning that I felt like if she hadn’t stopped their intimate relationship and that had she had loved him as much as I do that they would be married today. His response, was the he chose me. Ok, he did choose me, but was it only because she wouldn’t have chosen him? And during our conversation he proceeded to tell me about all the things about her that he didn’t like, which seemed a little bit overboard and only made me that much more sure that I had a real reason to feel the way I do……….

    What else can I do, I love him dearly and want it to be the most awesome marriage every…………but “SHE” cannot be a part of it.

  • katie

    @ jessica (again)

    the idealization / taking for granted thing goes a step further. not only does he just get to fill in the blanks with whatever sweet, happy, longing (or whatever) things in association with the absence of her while getting everything he wants in real life from the real you no questions asked, but the fact that you are real and she is idealized works against you a second way.

    his idealized fantasy-filling-in-the-gaps version of her doesn’t have any mundane, droll, annoying facets at all. it’s pure cherry-picked memories and longing, for her to even TALK to him which she apparently doesn’t want to do. compared to you, who is real, in real life, in real time, with real relationship doldrums and irritations and meltdowns and issues. not only are you being taken for granted just for being real, you are also being compared to something that doesn’t exist.

    it sucks but i’ve been down this road and it’s horrible. you hurt far worse when he ultimately leaves you for her, than to walk away, or at least distance yourself, first. hope it helps.

  • katie

    @ jessica —

    start seeing other people. you are trying too hard to win the heart of a man who is still letting another woman hold it. he gets upset that she doesn’t talk to him? he tries to message her all the time? you remind him of her? then let him have her. you are doing yourself no favors waiting for him to just magically see one day that you are better, or better for him; he won’t.

    there’s a reason he’s taking you for granted and idealizing her. he doesn’t have what he wants from her so he basically is just filling in the blanks with whatever he wants to believe or miss about her. that is a textbook explanation of idealizing someone. he has everything he wants from you no questions asked and all needs immediately fulfilled, and expects it from you without even having to think about it. that is a textbook explanation of taking someone for granted.

    unfortunately, he’s not going to snap out of it until something drastic happens: either she breaks him somehow and he finally gets over it, or you stop being available to be taken for granted all the time. which one would you rather do — sit around waiting for her to control when your relationship can move on, or being in control of your own happiness and moving on yourself?

  • practicalhappiness.com

    Your feelings are understandable and your situaiton is not uncommon. You have to keep in mind a few things. First, your guy and his ex has significant history together, not to mention having a son. You can’t expect them not to be in touch. In fact, it would be more alarming to me if the guy was completely neglecting his previous family and his child. What would that say about him? Would you feel better if he was not as nice to her? I doubt it.
    I do believe that you should not rush into marriage and you should make sure that you deal with your jealousy first and you also make sure somehow that he doesn’t have second thoughts about getting back together with his ex. Invite and encourage him to be honest with you and with yourself about what he really wants. There is no reason for you to rush to the altar. It’s much better to handle these issues first, before you enter into a formal commitment.

  • Upset Lady

    Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 yrs now.we plan to get married after both are anulments have been granted.he and his ex wife is still very much in contact as they have a 10 yr old son.my bf has always been reassuring me that he has no plans getting back with her anymore as he loves me and wants to be with me.However,I dont know if im just being irrational to feel jealousy towards her.they still keep on giving advices to each other.my bf tells me that she is good in things which i know im not good at.i know they are friends and they will forever be linked with each.but is it reasonable to ask my bf to stop treating her ex that nice?i feel like that he is being too nice to her.and since his wife is in the US,she can even advice him to follow her there to look for a job or something like that…to my boyfriend their conversations are really just friendly and he always tell me that i should worry at all. But im affected…Please help me..:(

  • zackpierce

    I am jealous of my ex’s ex, if that makes sense.
    she was my first love and she used me to get over her ex.
    She broke up with me cause she didnt want a relationship and now i always get insanely jealous of her ex because she wanted to be with him and they were together for a while.

  • Puppy-Love_93

    i can take bits and peices of everybodies stories and relate them to myself but my whole story is that…I have been dating my guy for almost two years..just over a year and 7 months actually. and i guess to be blunt he left his ex girlfriend for me back then and it was the second time that they were dating trying to figure things out. well we began dating and her friends tell me i am dumb for dating him but she doesnt say a word to me. my boyfriend and his ex continue to talk throughout our relationship and it wasnt really a big deal to me until a few months ago he did her a favor and asked her for a kiss. she said no. and he asked for one on the cheek. again she said no. he claims it was just a joke and that he didnt mean anything by it but since then i have had a big problem with them talking and i have brought it up that it does bother me. to me he lost the privilage to talk to her..but i do not want to be contolling and tell him not to..i just want him to want to end that friendship..just recently i confronted him about speaking to her when im not around and he denied it at first but then told me yes he does talk to her even though he told me repeatedly that he didnt. i told him i just wanted the truth. so that i know of he has been honest..since then about everything. but i dont know wat to think about it…last week his ex had this big talk with him saying that she wishes that her current bf was more like him..and she went into detail about a few times..i dont want to end the relationship..but i would like some advice..maybe from men as well. how do i get him to see my point of view? Or do i have a decent reason to be jealous..or how do i make it go away?? i am not in school anymore and he has 24 school days left and at school is when they talk. they usually do not text at all and they have 5 or 6 classes together out of 8. Help?

  • wondergirl

    I also need some serious advice here…..My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost four years now. We are now moving in together sharing our lives with our son, his 3 kids and my other son. At the beginning, he cheated on his wife, his wife found out and she slipped. He got me to stand in for a replacement and I was there all those times. I was trying to be the most understandable person however the jeolosy feeling overwhelms it. during the separation, he still kept intouch with her and when I found out, he said, they are doing it for the kids….so I had to quietly accept it eventhough it is painful. Their contacts get to a point where they got back together without even letting me know or discussing it with me. I was so lost, shocked, betrayed and felt that ive been used,,,but again I tried to live my life as normally as I can, but it was really painful. Suddenly, he wanted to come back to me, accusing his wife of playing some voodoos on him. He even showed photos of some voodoo stuff he found in his room and that he admitted that he cant work it out with her anymore. He finally told me that their reunion was made possible by his elder son who begged him to take back their mother. He also mentioned that his elder son was asking him to do it for him and his sibblings and so he felt sorry for his kids. When trying to settle back, he said he realized that it cant work out anymore and ended up going out drinking, and arguments and fighting are always there at his home.

    I did not accept him back at first, and I traveled abroad for long when surprisingly he came after me twice. I went home and he finally got the courage to ask my parents to take me to his home. At his home, I could feel the presence of his ex wife in the house with some of her stuff and photos around and it does makes me feel uncomfortable and I guess jeolous???.I shared how i felt with him and he just said, he is not the man of cleaning and he asked me politely to get rid of them for him. Which was even harder for me to do……

    He tried to prove to me that he loves me now, by getting the divouce papers done, and by saying to me that he will make it up to me this time, but i dont know if i could trust him anymore or not.

    Him and the wife have run a business for their kids, and as part of their divource agreement, everything will go to the wife since the kids will be staying with her almost all the time. I totally agreed with the decision which I think is fair enough for the kids, however, the fact that they can still contact each other for their kids, business and other major decisions makes me feel excluded and again leads to my feelings of insecurity. All the time I asked, he either skip the topic or explain it to me as if I have no other choice but to accept it the way it is…..because it is for the kids…..this affects me badly that I became less sexually active, stress and always tired. I am travelling again for long and hes always there on skype, all day and night long, trying to prove to me that im his only one now, however, I am still confused and feeling insecured.

  • P W

    I need some help here. My ex and i tried to get back together. She asked me when we were dating to give up my friendship with my best girlfriend who i never dated. My friend and i have been friends since the second grade but again never once dated. We do spend a lot of time together. My ex also hated my ex girlfriend too. I never talk to my ex but i ran into her when we were dating. I felt i shouldnt have to give up my friend ship with my friend who was engaged to be married. She just hated that i spend a lot of time together and when my ex and i fought , usually over something that she wanted to control and i wouldnt allow it, i would go and hang with my friend. She hated that. To this day, she still brings up both my friend and previous ex. My previous ex and i are friends and she is also friends with her exs as well. She told me she was friends with him so i allowed the friendship. I keep telling her she has nothing to worry about and that i love her. She constantly keeps throwing these people at me. She talks to her ex all the time and is friends with a guy on facebook that she hooked up with when she broke up with me. I have zero feelings for my previous ex other than a friendsship. But the more i try the more she constantly reminds me of what i have done. I am trying to have a functional relationship with a dysfunctional girl. I never cheated and she has but then denyed it. I write her letters saying how great she is and how lucky i am and she still brings up things from 2 years ago. I keep trying to prove myself and it doesnt work. Nothing i do works and she is stuck on the past. What can i do?

  • Crystal

    @AlexaD I don't think you're being selfish at all. It seems like your boyfriend is the one being inconsiderate in this situation. You're telling him how you genuinely feel and he's ignoring the fact that you're hurting. He's dating you now, not her, so his priority should be making YOU happy, not her. If he can't see that, then why is he even in a relationship with you? Especially if he is still in love with the "what she used to be". It seems like what you need and what he's willing to provide to you are totally different. If you're hurting so much and he knowingly continues talking to her at such a frequency without caring about how you feel, maybe you should re-evaluate whether he is worth your time and effort.

  • AlexaD

    Hey everyone. I need some serious advice here.

    My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years now and his ex has come up time and time again. We were friends after their break up (they were only together for 8 months or so) and he talked to me a lot about how he missed her, still loved her, wanted her back, etc because she ended the relationship. She kinda screwed him over when it came to their break up, like sleeping with his best friend not even a month after their break up and turning all his friends against him so he had no social life.

    We got together about 4 or 5 months after their break up. At that point, I was already in love with him.

    At first whenever he saw her in public (since she use to go to school right by my house and went to the same places we did, unfortunately), he freaked out every time. At first I didn't feel like she mattered and that she shouldn't have mattered. But since I watched him freak out every time, I started to get this weird feeling that she still did. This was the fuel to my insecurities. I started messing with my thoughts, like "She's prettier then me… maybe he's still attracted to her" or "She's skinny, talented, smart and pretty… I'm fat, dumb and ugly". I have really bad abandonment issues (when almost everyone except your grandma has abandoned you through you life, it's bound to happen) and I had tried my hardest to not let them in. But over time, they just kept getting worse and worse. He once didn't talk to me for almost a whole day (and I was trying to get into contact with him) because he ended up going to talk to her… and didn't tell me until afterwords. They tried being friends a few months into our relationship, but it ended up back firing. He was texting her all the time but never getting a response except for a few times and even then the response was very short. After a while of him chasing her, she finally admitted that she was not ready to be friends with him yet. We had tons of fights over her and whether she mattered or not. He'd sometimes want to talk about her and I just couldn't handle it. When we were in Hawaii, about 9 months into our relationship, I finally asked him the question I had been wanting to ask "Babe, are you still in love with her?". His response was "I'm still in love with who she was to me". I freaked out because that's exactly what I was afraid of. I know that it's hard to get over someone you love, but it still really hurt. We had even more highs over it until one day, he got a friend request from her. I didn't like it. I remembered what happened the first time, he was heartbroken by the fact that she didn't want to be friends at that point. But instead of hearing what I had to say, he went to a good friend of his who also was good friends with his ex and asked whether the ex had talked to him about the friend request and whether it was genuine or not. This same mutual friend had been trying to push my boyfriend into talking with his ex again. My boyfriend took our friend's word over my feelings. I ended up telling him I trust him and I tried so hard to be okay with it. Apparently, this same friend (after my boyfriend accepted the friend request) kept pushing my boyfriend into poking this ex on facebook and trying to get them to talk. I understand there were things that needed to get worked out, but I was hurting and it was being completely overlooked. They started talking to each other and after some stuff got worked out, my boyfriend started talking to her all the time. Like, whenever I looked over to see what he was doing on the computer, he was talking to her. I was still really upset at this point and kept trying to tell him how I felt, but it always ended up in a huge fight and him getting his way (since I feel guilty way too easily). They have also planned to hang out tons of times, but she always cancels or doesn't show up and gives a "valid" excuse (my boyfriend even double checks it) to why she couldn't or can't make it. This has been happening for months. MONTHS. I keep telling him that maybe it isn't the right time and also how I am feeling about the situation. He keeps fighting for her to be back in his life and now he is in a weird sticky situation. The other day, she started talking about her sexuality to him. Apparently, a lot of things from their past was brought up and even my boyfriend felt uncomfortable, but of course he went along with it because he wanted to see where it was going, that's just how my boyfriend is. But it STILL isn't a deal breaker for him. He's still going to keep fighting and trying to be friends with her, even though it hurts me. We actually got into the worst fight we have in a long time yesterday. I don't know what to do… At this point, I feel powerless, like I have no say in the situation, even though it does hurt me. Badly.

    Am I really being selfish by not wanting her in my life? He flat out called me selfish yesterday when I was just trying to talk to him about how I felt about the whole situation. Am I being selfish? Should I feel this guilt? What should I do?! Because nothing so far has worked out when it comes to this ex… but he doesn't seem to get it.

  • Crystal

    My boyfriend and I have been together for well over a year and I know that without a doubt, he loves me very much. However, he has an ex-girlfriend from about 2-3 years ago who he also loved a lot. He had a history of being with many girls but she is the only one that he actually had feelings for in the past. That bothers me. Especially since they did not break up because either of them fell out of love. They broke up because of extreme disapproval from her parents.

    He used to have contact with her because he wanted to see if they could be friends but after realizing that it made me upset, he stopped completely. He tells me that he has absolutely no feelings for her left and I trust him a lot but for some reason, I just can't stop thinking about her. I suppose it bothers me that he loved another as well (maybe just as much as he loves me?) but even as I realize this, I still can't stop thinking about her.

  • Kara

    Wow, this article is great. Ever since I met my boyfriend, I have had an issue with him having an ex wife. Me and him have been together for two years. I have never met her, never even seen her,but when we first got together he use to talk about her all the time, and I learned alot about her. "Supposedly" their marriage was kind of a business deal, however you want to take that, and he said she was really fat, and gotten to the size of a hippo which made me feel like he expects his women to stay slim and beautiful forever. But it was more than that…she was cheated on him, she was a no good dirty women. Not to say my guy is innocent. Anyhow, my curiosity would get the best of me and I would ask him tons of questions about her. I felt like she was better than me, smarter, made more money…well after all its true, she was all of these things.

    The one thing I cant stand is that she was his wife…his wife….I'm not his wife…I'm just some random girl for the time being. Maybe he loved her so much more and thinks about her. I keep thinking of all the things they did together….going on vacation, doing their taxes together, paying credit cards together, sharing their lives together. I dont have that with him so that makes her better than me.

    Thats how I feel.

  • practicalhappiness.c

    @Jessica,

    Hello. Your feelings are understandable, but please consider the following. Every person has positive qualities. If your boyfriend's ex had one positive quality that you have as well, then it is likely to remind him of her. He would be smart not to bring it up and keep it to himself. And it's perfectly ok for you to ask him not to compare you to him. You should also invite him to be completely open and honest with you as to whether he is truly over her, regardless of how she feels about him. You should also find out why he is so eager to reach out to her and be in touch with her.

    You should commit to stopping to pay attention to their Facebook activity. It's not healthy for your life and your self-esteem.

    Also, as I point out in my audio program about relationships, you should stop comparing yourself to his ex. It does nothing good for you. She is superior to you in some ways and you are superior to her in other ways. That's life. The moment you start comparing and competing with an ex, you automatically lose. Be proud of what you have and what you bring to the table, and the rest is likely to take care of itself.

  • Jessica

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half and I cannot get over his ex. She is gorgeous, smart, talented and pretty much has everything I want. I am recently learning guitar and when I got done playing my boyfriend a song he said it reminded him of her, she wrote a song for him when they broke up. That hurt me really bad and I feel like everything I do, reminds him of her and that makes me so angry. I don't know what to do because she has a facebook and he always wants to talk to her and keeps asking her why she won't talk to him. I am really jealous of her. I don't know what to do because I can't seem to stop seeing what she is doing on facebook and being jealous of everything she does. What do I do?

  • practicalhappiness.com

    @Alex Perhaps it’s not something bad that was between them but there was nothing really good or worthwhile for him to stay with his ex partner.

  • Alex

    I am in a gay relationship and I've been having problems with how my fiances been with 4 other people then me. He is my first relationship so I have no ex's to speak of but when ever I hear anything about his ex's I get extremely jealous that hes had relations before me. He can't give me very good reason for why he broke it off with his ex's aside from "it was a fling". I know this isn't the same type of situation some of these other stories bring up but its really hurting.

  • Jem

    well ladies def know how you are ALL feeling.. See my problem is this, he has a child to his ex and he tells me F her and it isnt my problem if she doesnt have things of their kid for example old baby photos he wont care but i’ll say to him ok then if that how you feel then OK but then weeks later shes texting him saying thank you for the photos and what not after him swearing and carrying on about it like it is the end of the world and she’s the devil.. What do i do this isnt the first time and it bothers the living daylights out of me cause he knows i hate her i just hate the fact that he’d tell me something for months and months and then does the TOTAL OPPOSITE. Majority of the time it makes me hate him literally hate him and it gets to a point where i dont even know what i am doing with him had i known it was gonna be like this i would not have bothered. PLEASE HELP ME over come my hatred ladies..

  • Diane

    My husband and I have been married for 15 years and I absolutely hate the way I feel when he has to get together with his ex. She treated me horribly and even came into my house one day while we were on vacation to paint a room for her son. She broke my husbands heart and I was with him to help hime through this horrible time. Now, its like she is wonderful in every way. She is so attentive to my husband when they see each other. She always greets him with a hug and a kiss. They recently helped their son move into a new house…it took 3 days and every night my husband would come home with stories about her, and putting down her husband. My husband is a good man and I know I am hurting him when I spout off about this situation. I want to stop this craziness and enjoy our life together. Any suggestions?

  • LMH

    HI,

    My husband and I have been together for 4 years. I have an issue that I am trying to get over and seen this site and has made me really think. I wanted to share my story and maybe get some advice… He has an ex that use to live right next door to him they were off and on for about 2 years she was the type that had her whole life planed out.. Cared about what everyone thought of him (he had a very hard childhood life) he met me and at the time I was seeing someone and I was honest with him he tried 3 times and finally I gave him a try… We got along great from the start. When he first started bringing me around his house she would get very mad I didn’t understand if that was his ex… I guess they stayed friend after they broke up she dragged him along for about 6 months because she didn’t know how to break up with him. She wanted him to wait for her tell she was 27 to start starting her life with him… well since she had a problem with seeing me at his house he stop bringing me around.He asked her out of respect for her and her parents that still thought they were 2gether.I didn’t not agree with that so I talk to him and told him to think about my feelings.So he started bring me around his house again. Things were good the only issue I still had where them talking still because I knew they loved each other. He explained to me time and time again that they were friend’s be4 me and didn’t think it was fair to just stop talking to her… So I finally got over it so I thought…well we moved in 2gether and things where pretty good…I found out I had cancer and my mom lived in a different state she wanted me to move so I can get the proper help I needed.. I told him that I would be moving and didn’t want to hold him back from moving on with his life because that was his hometown no one has ever got him to leave his hometown not even his sisters. Or he could come out with me he looked at me and told me that would not leave my side and wanted to move with me…So we packed up and left I got the treatment and proudly to say I beat the cancer.Once we moved out here he aske my parents for my hand and got married. We have been doing really good out here and I have asked him if he wants to move back he tells me no he loves it here just different not having his family around that’s all he had where we lived. When we got married me he promised me that he would no longer talk to his ex that it’s left in the past. Tell this day he tells me that he has not talk to her I have asked him if he misses her friendship or even talking to her. I said no that she is in the past. Yes I’m sure he wonders how she’s doing. Well recently he got a FB he has only added his family he has given me his pw and the email accounts we have we know the passwords, phone records show nothing of him talking to her. But his girl cousin has recently added his ex and ever since then I keep thinking that his cousin will somehow be involved on them speaking to each other. I know he has at least looked her up maybe just to see if her profile if public and see how’s she doing but then again I really don’t know. I can’t control the jealousy and I feel it will ruin everything we have. I recently found out I was pregnant but had to abort it because it was in the wrong tube not because I wanted to that was also a hard thing to get through and all happen at the same time that I am thinking that is also a reason I am being the way I am don’t want to be like this…can someone plz help me?? ?

  • LMK

    It is nice to read this article and your replies…but I need some impartial advice.

    My boyfriend of a year and a half is not divorced. They haven't been together for 8 yrs and have 2 children that they share custody with. When they first split things were "ugly" but then they started getting along and worked out arrangements and time just went by. He admittedly didn't end things (she had an affair) and considers the marriage a failure and has regrets.

    His ex's boyfriend just moved in with her (he has children and I'm not sure if he's divorced or not).

    my issue is that I have will not move in (we have talked about it) with him if he's not divorced. they have set up times to meet and start the process but one of them cancels. I'm not sure what her deal is–why she wouldn't want to get the divorce going herself since she has obviously moved on.

    I don't think either one is holding out to get back together–they know that they split for good reasons….but I am stuck by the fact that they haven't even STARTED the whole process. I don't get it.

    Thoughts? Help?

  • Lolita

    I have the same problem, my boyfriend keeps in touch with his ex-es and I can´t stand it. It look like a childish thing but I can´t avoid it.

  • Elle

    Annie, I usually never reply to these kinds of things, but after reading your post I just had to. I can relate to what you said so much, I was away and my guy (well not anymore) went away with his ex. He gave me some bs story about how they're just friends yet he was telling her he only wanted her. He told me that he wanted her to see what she was missing out on also. I tried to forgive him but a relationship just isn't working. I can't trust him anymore.

  • Annie

    hi,

    My boyfriend of 1 year has got a house with his ex, which is fine by me but then i had discovered when i was out of the country he had gone and visited her and even took her car to get fixed! Now i dont think that is very appropriate especially to do it behind my back! Anyway he explained that he knows it seems wrong but he has to keep her sweet over the house and that she really hurt him in the past and he wants to make her see whats she missing out on.. little did he know (until i told him) that by doing this, its making it seem that he's interested in her.. and she is loving that he is paying her all this attention. She was emailing him quite a bit. I told him to put a stop to it, and that she can only contact him if its an emergency to do with the house.

    I probably sound like a bit of a bunny boiler but i feel that its so disrespectful to me and it hurts to think that he was sneaking around… what more could he be capable of??

    Thanks for listening 🙂

  • FleurC

    To MK – having cancer is no excuse to mess with someone's feelings. People get cancer all the time and die every day. If she wanted to end it to spare his suffering then she should have ended it once and for all. Keeping in contact is hurtful and destructive to everyone concerned. It sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it. I would implore your boyfriend to sever all contact. It's just not fair for any of you.

  • M.K

    ok so my story comes out this way. My boyfriend's ex left him because she has cancer and she doesnt want to see him become tortured as he sees her suffering. It kinda makes me feel threatened mainly because they didnt leave each other because it was someone's fault or out of hatred and whatever. She still contacts him sometimes. And the other day my boyfriend was open to me and told me that he went to church to pray for her and prayed that God takes him instead of her because she deseves to live. I know he is with me now,but i think he still has feelings for her and i'm afraid that he loved her like no one else and wont be able to give the same amount of love to any girl after her. That's why i get jealous and feel insecure over everything that has to do with this girl. We do have enjoyable times together and he says that he loves me and he even plans for our future together, he doesnt call or text alot which makes me wonder if he is not thinking of me throughout the day but thinking of her or getting depressed over her which is yet another problem. I feel sorry for her and i think that my bf should be there to support her .Afterall they were once together, but still i always get afraid that while she is contacting him he starts remembering the old days that eventually she takes him away from me. am i right to feel jealous of her? or should i just accept the fact that he is with me and thats it???

  • Claire

    I have immense paranoia that something is going to break up the most amazing relationship I have ever had. He is the love of my life, but my insecurities come from past relationships where i did not feel good enough, so now in the present i am amazed that he loves me the way I am.

    I have seen photos of his exes and they seem so much better than me. And for a while i kept what i was feeling inside. Eventually I told him, and he told me there was nothing to worry about, and he said something that will always stick in my mind when I am getting paranoid or jealous, he said- "I chose you, I was lead to you. I have never been more happy with someone than I have with you, and the thing you have to remember is its all in the past, and the past is over. It all ended for a reason. Just like all our your past relationships ended for a reason. We have eachother NOW and we are happy. all we need to focus on is the now and the future, because the past is over and gone, and it is not coming back"

    Everyone goes through jealousy, insecurities and paranoia. EVERYONE. some more than others, and some feel it stronger. but the main thing to remember is just like you would want them to trust that your past is your past, you should do the same for them. Dont let a silly emotion, and the thoughts of something you cannot change(past) effect the beauty of what you have now. The sooner you learn this, the better. Trust me.

  • Megamike36

    LeAnn, as a recently divorced military man, and just being a man in general, I have a few points for your consideration. First if he is with you, that’s a pretty good start. It means he chose you. It seems odd to me that a fair percentage of his FB “friends” are from prior relationships, and maybe you should see it as a bit of a slap in the face. Is he using FB as his personal “trophy case”? In any case, it sounds like both of you are very young, and maybe he doesn’t know exactly how bad this makes you feel. It would be wrong if you were feeling spikes of hate/rage/jealousy every time the name of an ex came up, or you saw a picture of him and an old prom date. However, if he is on contact with an ex on a regular basis, it sounds to me like a guy who is keeping his “options” open, in case things don’t work out between the two of you. Yes, his taking any of a limited time together to keep in touch with an ex should rub you the wrong way (especially if he is only home for a couple of weeks during a year long tour), unless she falls into one of the exceptions below.

    For most guys exes who turn into “friends” are the exception, not the rule. All of my exes, are exes for a reason (her fault, my fault, noone’s fault, whatever) and the only ones I ever considered keeping in contact with were the ones I was still partially interested in and the one who bore my child. The only real exceptions to this are girls who were friends long before dating took place. Maybe someone he has known since grammar school or who is/was a family friend.

  • LeAnn

    My husband and I are newly married. He is in the military and gone frequently. Each of us have facebooks to keep in touch with friends and family. My friends, are just that, friends. Some of his are girls he had slept with previous to our relationship or ex girlfriends he has had. Most of them he doesn't talk to, they are just there; however, he does stay in touch with a couple of them. And it bothers me. One of them will send me messages asking when he'll be home, and things of the sort. It's hurtful to me that he would maintain a relationship with a woman he has had relations with other than friendship. I've nicely told him it upsets me and it would make me feel better if he no longer kept contact with them. I don't want them on his facebook knowing what we're doing on a day to day basis and vice versa. I know he would never cheat on me or talk to them about our marriage or use them for emotional comfort. But this still is bothering me that when he is home, he would take several minutes out of our short time together to chat with them online or via text messaging. Am I wrong of feeling this way? If he chooses to still keep in touch and if it is that important to him, I will allow it, I won't like it, but I won't tell him he cannot do something. If he chooses this, how can I get over it? I don't want to be a controlling/demanding wife… 🙁

  • Bronwyn

    It is a very hard process to overcome jealousy of your partners x, I know because I had the very same insecurtiy.. What helped me is the Standing fact that whatever attracted him to her obviously was not strong enough to keep them together and thus he has moved on and is now in a relationship with someone else. And that someone is me..

    Dont let jealousy cloud your chances of being truly happy and content with your partner enjoy the time you have together and just make the best of it. Let the past be in the past and focus on what you have now and what you want in the future. No amount of jealous thoughts or emotions is going to change the past it's there and over and done with…

  • Annette

    I don't know who left who in your relationship but, Maybe try thinking of it this way.

    Just what if she is jealous of you but does not show it. I am on the opposite side of things. My husband divorced me. Even though I knew it would never work between us, I can't get my mind off what we may have missed and what she has the opportunity to have with him.