During this past year, as I was helping guys with their online dating efforts, I noticed how many of them are turned off by the same words that they see in women’s dating profiles over and over, especially here in the San Francisco area. All of these red flags in women’s dating profiles seem to have one thing in common – they suggest in so many ways that the women who are behind them will be really hard to actually get a hold of and meet, let alone develop any kind of meaningful relationship because they are so focused on their work and careers. Here are these seemingly innocuous words that prove to be major red flags:
- career oriented
- independent
- workaholic
- extremely ambitious
- my career is very important to me
- my job is very demanding, but I love every minute of it
Why do these types of comments are problem to the men who see them?
It’s because men are already frustrated with the chronic flaking that they have been experiencing when meeting women who are not even all that busy. Women routinely disappear on them before they even get to meet in person, or cancel dates on a short notice for no good reason, or are otherwise not being responsive by phone and e-mail by taking days to reply to a simple text or return a phone call. When guys read “career oriented” or “workaholic”, they immediately think of those times when they had to deal with the women who take takes to respond to text messages, and setting up a date with whom is a task worth hiring help for.
Generally, the guys today do not really want to put that much effort into someone they don’t even know yet, regardless of what their intentions are. If the guy just wants to find a one-nighter or to make a friend with benefits, there is no incentive for him to work so hard to meet a woman – the pool of women is large enough not to get stuck on any one of them for too long.
And if the guy is looking for a serious relationship or even a lifetime partner to settle with, he surely wants the woman he is talking to, to be available and responsive before anything else, so the result will be the same – he will lose interest in a woman who is too busy and too unavailable very quickly.
So, if you are truly obsessed with your career and trapped in the type of job that leaves very little or no time and mental space for dating and love, then you probably shouldn’t be wasting your time or other people’s time making it look like you are available when you are not, and you should wait with this till your schedule changes and allows you to communicate with and meet men. However, if you do have time for dating today, then you should remove those red flags from your dating profile, so that you don’t discourage men from contacting you. There are plenty of other ways to show that you are intelligent, strong and independent woman, without suggesting that being squeezed into your schedule for a date is a privilege that is almost impossible to earn.
A woman doesn’t need to post these online. She is just confident enough that she has a life of her own. That kind of online profile feels too masculine. 🙂
I wouldn’t date a woman with a super-busy career. I’m willing to invest time and effort into someone who will do the same. If she can’t play ball, she shouldn’t be pitching.
Well said. Lately I have been thinking that ironically being too busy to some degree means not being successful. After all, how can you consider yourself to be truly “successful” if you can’t make the time for the things that are at least as important or even more important than job & career.
Ever dated or known a female lawyer, or accountant, or financial advisor? Sad truth is that women have to work really hard, long hours to stake a claim in their career, just like men. Its a sad double standard. Lowest one on the rung gets the piles of work. I was one of those women and became very successful but for sure it took a toll on my dating life and I was alone. I was smart, and lucky enough to be able to change careers and get a life. Not many women are that lucky.
Here’s the single biggest problem: At best, most women consider men to be nothing more than unemployed frat boys who never grew up, and are still living with Mom & Dad in their basement. At worst, most women tend to believe than men are not worth a damn and are just plain worthless anyway. Thus, it begs the question: if women are so open in their hostility against men, what self-respecting guy would want to sign up for that kind of aggravation?
Sad, self defeating outlook… too bad.
1) Well, if I were the only guy who felt that way, I obviously could not have much of a case.
2) Other guys have commented on this very site about the very same thing. Are they wrong, too?
3) The best for last: you claim that what I have observed over the years is a sad, self-defeating outlook. If that is the case, are you really saying that trying to get into a relationship with a member of the enemy camp is really the lesser of two evils? If that is so, that then is truly sad.
Mickey, I only have my best wishes for you and I know that my advice would not be heard, but I encourage you to ask yourself whether you wish to live with this outlook for the rest of your life, or whether looking around and seeing the many happy couples around you and the great women out there and working toward / hoping for a great relationships is a better, albeit more difficult road to go. Bitching about how awful women are is comforting but it’s hardly productive. In your case, losing weight and changing outlook on life and women is something worth considering. You live in the city full of the most attractive women in the world. Some are harsh, some are feminists, some are too jaded, busy, but there are others who are great. I know they are there.
One of us, then, is a lone voice in the wilderness.
By the way, 30 years of experience doesn’t lie. I don’t know what else to tell you.
Be well.
Thanks, you too. And let us not forget – length of experience without a significant attempt to change it doesn’t count for all that much.
You sound angry. I know in these feminist times here in America it is very easy to hate all women, you’re almost begged to do so by society. However I think the best thing a man can do to fight the tide is to be optimistic and responsive to feminine women and other women when they make the effort to be more feminine. When a girl acts feminine you should be as friendly as possible (even if neither of you has an interest in the other one), only show anger when it is earned.
Final Fireman: At this stage of the game I alternate between only 2 emotions: disillusionment and apathy.