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Thank you for your kind words 🙂
What you said about feeling good and self consciousness is incredibly accurate: when you don't complete one or more of your everyday objectives, a part of your self esteem goes away, even if you don't realize this. At the same time, when you fight for your goals, your idea about yourself becomes higher.
Interesting your opinions about Israel and South America!
Little off-topic: what does "big timer" mean? A friend of mine has just written "big timer" for commenting a picture where I am a little boy with a trophy in my hands – I won a short archery competition. Maybe it is a mix of a compliment and a joke (joke because the term implies a famous, rich person)?
🙂
My pleasure, Alessandro. I assume you mean that you hope you "won't" get jealous in the future. As dirty as jealousy might be, it's so natural to us, human beings. After all, we wouldn't have so many movies and plays about it otherwise.
Thank you, Arkady. You're right.
Can I ask you another opinion? Are muscles and physical appearance important sexual triggers for women?
I've read a book by an American professor who did a lot of study about this subject, collecting data, interviews, doing statistical researches, etc. (in my opinion, the first scientific approach to women's sexuality): he says that women's sexual desire is different than men's one, because less immediately related to male body; when a woman sees a beautiful man, she is not aroused, but happy to meet the person. We, males, instead, are a little more fetishistic: we often rapidly imagine a beautiful stranger's naked body. In this professor's idea, when women flirt with male strippers during bachelorette parties, they do this not because of strong sexual desire, but mainly for creating a playful atmosphere with the other women (sort of feminism).
I am good looking, and I've noticed that this characteristic helps me, but it is when me and the girl share important emotions that she starts to really desire me sexually.
There are many proofs that the things I've written are correct. So, how do you explain the following phenomenon: (?)
various enthusiastic female comments and reactions at the sight of handsome muscular mens, in pictures and in the flesh.
When I notice these enthusiastic reactions, I start to think that muscles are important in generating sexual desire.
It can be, however, that the enthusiastic comments are not full of real excitement and arousal as they can seem.
What's your opinion?
Thanks.
Very interesting question, Alessandro. I have a few thoughts on that and I am going to write a forum entry or a posting about this, mentioning specifically Italy and the US. 😉
Great! I hope I'll find the link to read your surely interesting opinions 🙂 Keep me updated.
Italy and USA? Great!
The only thing I can say about Italian women vs American women (just a general idea) is that American women are usually more friendly than Italian ones: the reason, in various persons' opinion, would be that in Italy a thousand men hit on every woman every time, often without having any kind of charm or "good" style. Because of what I've just written, a girl is worried that, if she shows a certain level of human empathy to a guy (from a Facebook "like" to a warm reply and a smile), he immediately starts to flirt with her. Another thing people say is that, in Italy, the religious background of the society, even in persons who are not religious themselves, puts guys and girls in little groups which are not open to the idea of making friends with other groups.
They told me that, in USA, it is possible that, when you enter a pub, you sit and eat near a stranger, while here, in Italy, every group has its own table.
🙂
Interesting topic!
If you visit Napoli, let me know what you think about the city.
I am intensely studying for my Oncology/Hematology exam, and the only thing that I am worried about is that, if I deepen dating dynamics right now, I awake my retrospective paranoia related to my ex relationship and compromise the exam (an exaggeration for saying that I'll check news from you less immediately than usually).
You know, Arkady, I am considered a balanced person, but people who are really close to me (my brother, my parents…) know that my mind can be a powerful fear/paranoia generator in certain periods… Ha ha ha…
🙂 I figured that the men in Italy have the same attitude as in Israel (or maybe Israel is a bit worse). If you want to see really unfriendly attitude, Israel is the place, because men are soooo aggressive there. It's funny, but there are places in the world (specifically, South America) where men are super aggressive, yet it doesn't make women any more hostile and they are more open to being approached, because… in a sense they expect it, they are ready for it, they are used to it, and they know how to handle it.
Good luck with exams and continue channel your strong brain away from fear and toward action.
Dear Arkady,
I am Alessandro from Italy. We had very interesting online conversations about relationships and also Seneca. Do you remember?
I am writing a new comment in this section because it seems the best place: I’d like to talk about Facebook jealousy.
My last important relationship was three years ago. She was special to me and the break-up was difficult to accept, but now, luckily, I feel good and I am going on with my life: I haven’t found another special girl, but I am having success with various objectives. Hard work, nice family and good friends are the key.
My ex is still a FB friend of mine, but I don’t check her profile often. However, there are few moments, probably two or three in an year, in which I re-immerge in her world via Facebook and I start to become paranoid.
The reason I am here is because there’s something that gives me pain: I’ve noticed a “like” from her on the profile picture of an handsome lifeguard we met three years ago on vacation.
Now she is married with a man and, when she hit the “like” button, it was some days before the marriage. The picture was public (it means that all her FB friends could notice her “like”, also her future husband). 4-5 days later, she wrote me an email for saying “hello” and knowing about me.
Me and her (I’ll call her Maria) met 4-5 years ago on Facebook. We had similar points of view about life, shared feelings and created a strong emotional link even before meeting in the flesh. Then, when we met in the flesh, it was wonderful. We started to live a typical movie-style love story. You know, the one where the two hearts beat strongly, passion is intense, her mind is 100% focused on you, your mind is 100% focused on her and the emotions go from intense excitement to sad nostalgia.
During the few days we were together, she and her two girlfriends also met an handsome lifeguard, who spent a lot of time with one of my girl’s girlfriends (we will call her Gina). Maria told me she was happy that Gina could have a romantic relationship with the lifeguard, in order to be as happy as me and her were.
I am stupid, Arkady. Even with the best love story in my hands, I still was jealous every time Maria talked with the lifeguard. I know a bit of female psychology, and I am sure that, when a woman is in the honeymoon stage of love, no other man exists. Also, as I read in the fantastic book “What women want” (read it, Arkady: it is the first serious book about sexual psychology. The author is a professor and made documented statistical studies), women are not aroused merely by men’s body itself. In her eyes, I was handsome, intellectually stimulating, charismatic and the sexiest man on the Earth. In fact, after our vacation, when we were forced to live apart, she was still interested in me: Maria, 34 years old, really hoped that me (28) and her could marry one day, and invested very much in our long distance relationship. Very very much, with love and commitment.
Our story ended 5 months later because of distance: her passion was destroyed by the ocean between us and our online arguments. But she still cares about me. I feel that I’ll always have a special place in her heart.
I am not jealous of her new husband: I think he is nice and perfect for her. But I felt very bad when I discovered the “like” on the lifeguard picture. I ask what it means. He lives in the city where I live and was just a little part of our vacation. The idea she can be aroused by that picture sort of dirty what we shared. But, since she is very generous with the “like” button (she also liked funny pictures of Roberto, one of that lifeguard’s friends), since women are not excited by a body of a man who is not “special” and since she met the lifeguard when she was strongly in love with me, my brother, my friends and my mother told me the “like” had just this non-sexual meaning: “You look good in the picture and I am using the “like” button also to be socially generous and say hello to a nice person I met during a special vacation”.
I don’t know why I am so jealous, Arkady, but I couldn’t tolerate any subtle interest in him!
In your opinion, what is the meaning of a female “like” on FB?
I perfectly understand how stupid it is to have a jealousy like this, but it is killing me! I won’t check her FB activity anymore, I promise. But I need to trust the past me and her shared: I want to be sure he has always been invisible to her, or I feel pain.
Thank you.
Hi, Alessandro. Of course I remember you and it's great to hear from you. Of course, the advice in the video on this post is very relevant to your question – not paying that much attention to Facebook and not being so analytical about it is the first important step.
What does "like" mean? My first instinctive response is – who cares? But all jokes aside – it could mean all kind of things. It's possible that she really found him physically attractive that much. It's also possible that she felt that your relationship with him was not going to work anyway so she was looking for a way out or a distraction. It's also possible that her like didn't really carry any meaning and she is in a habit of liking her FB friends' pictures. It's possible that it's a combination of all the above factors.
Finally, one of the things that makes getting over jealousy so difficult is that so often we can't quite explain why we are jealous. We know we shouldn't be, but understanding it doesn't help make it go away. What helps is time. Give it another month or so and it will likely start going away.
One more thing – I am not a big fan of long distance relationships. Movies make it look really romantic, but in real life – unless there is a real potential of moving closer to each other, these kinds of relationships are doomed. Thanks.
Thanks for your time and reply, Arkady.
We are missing an important point, however: jealousy makes people be paranoid.
In the past, when I was jealous, I had the possibility, when talking with the girl I was with, to immediately estinguish my fears and anxiety. 100% of the times, I was clearly picturing the reality as a nightmare, giving it a false image.
I agree: long distance relationships usually end, but I am sure that, when me and her were trying to make things work, our feelings were genuine. And you know better than me that a girl who really cares about you hasn't space in her mind to be intrigued by another guy. Yes, her like was given when me and her were no longer together, but she was marrying another man and retrospective interest in the distant lifeguard doesn't have any sense.
It's clear I am exaggerating, just like hypochondriac people. Jealousy is like being hypochondriac: you are in an anxious state and whatever thoracic pain you feel, it's angina pectoris for you; every element is interpreted with the wrong filter; you try to find appeasement on the internet, but the result is more pain.
Some of your hypothesis are pessimistic, Arkady, and seem to encourage my paranoid status 🙂 but probably I should look at the big picture: afterall you have only said that's impossible to exactly predict the meaning of a like.
The only thing that makes me feel better is this: life is difficult and sometimes painful, but it usually doesn't hit you where you thought it would. In the example, a person who has always been scared by infarction maybe dies because of cancer!
Probably her like means "you are attractive" in a completely unexcited and cold manner, but what makes me sad is that these post-breakup paranoid thoughts are ruining her image. And it's unjust.
I hope one day I'll be able to enjoy the memory of our love and trust the original idea I had about her.
Hi, Alessandro. You words are wise of course. I might be repeating myself and me quoting Seneca, but I really think that the most important things to keep in mind in your situation are:
* You can only control what's in your hands. The behavior and actions of others are simply not up to you. You can do 100% everything right, but this is in no way a guarantee that the other person will not turn away a week after you meet or 30 years later. This is not meant to make you feel pessimistic but this is an obvious reality.
* Women are not machines. They don't always respond the same way to your actions and behavior. They are often unpredictable and act seemingly irrationally. We, men, are also unpredictable to women but in different ways.
* No matter how special you think your love is, you will get over it, but you need time. You will never forget her, but there will be other women who are very special in their own way in your future.
* Treat this pain that you experience now as a stage in your becoming stronger and more mature.
* I strongly believe that jealousy and paranoia will make problems more likely to happen in a relationship, because these qualities make you look unattractive and they ironically invite or encourage infidelity. It's almost like if you are so afraid of losing that other person, they start wondering what is it about you that makes you so unsure that you are worth being with.
Thanks.
Thanks, Arkady.
I hope I'll be less jealous in future relationships, maybe helped by the fact that my girlfriend won't be geographically distant. Jealousy just dirty beautiful feelings.
I think I'll hide my jealousy moments, in order to always appear self confident. But it's a pity, because, very often, a girl can estinguish your fear in 2 seconds! It has happened many times.
An important Italian actress once said: "Fear is an expert novelist. In a few instants, it builds impeccable stories, crime novels in which a glimmer of light is never seen, where there are only killers".
🙂