Two Reasons Why Meeting Women in Bars is So Hard

(Last Updated On: 06/21/2015)

why guys have a hard time meeting women in bars and clubsMany guys are both fascinated and scared of of going out and trying to talk to the dressed up, hot girls they see in clubs and bar. Despite the fact that the majority of men don’t meet anyone during a typical night at a bar, the hope and the desire to approach and pick someone up on a dance floor or while having a drink is very appealing. Bars, however, are also some of the most challenging places to meet women for two major reasons that are rarely mentioned:

1. It really is hard to think of a legitimate thing to say to a woman in order to open up a conversation. You don’t want to offer to buy her drink as that’s too cliche. And you don’t want to compliment her as that will be too obvious or too creepy. Also, the fact that you know that she knows exactly why you are coming up to her and talking to her is not very encouraging either. It’s easier to start a conversation with a woman just about anywhere else – from grocery stores, buses, and cafes to bookstores, and theater plays, because you will almost always have something relevant to point out or ask.

2. This is a more subconscious but still a very significant reason. Your confidence level at a bar might be lower than elsewhere because of the mere fact that you are hanging out there and are not doing anything useful or impressive. When you talk to a girl at a bookstore, you are presumably there because you are looking at books. If you are flirting with someone while on duty (whether you are in the service industry or anywhere else you have the opportunity to do so) – again you have a legitimate reason for being there. Even when you are trying to talk to a girl on a bus you are going somewhere, and if you try to start a conversation at a coffee shop, you are there to also either read or work on your computer. However, at a bar you are totally idle and that isn’t exactly flattering to you. Knowing that will make you feel like you are not been seen in the best light. After all, a guy who is dressed up, standing and drinking isn’t nearly as attractive to a woman as a man who is busy doing something useful, such as even a bartender at that very bar. Under such circumstances, a woman has no reason to admire anything about a guy unless, of course, he is strikingly good-looking and has a unique, very attractive style.

Don’t get me wrong – I would never suggest that you should not even try to meet women in bars and clubs. I am a strong believer that when it comes to approaching and meeting women, life rewards initiating and taking action, and some action is much better than no action, wherever you are. Asking a woman what she is drinking and whether it’s any good is so much better than staring at her and not saying anything at all, and this line is totally harmless. I do believe that, ironically, recognizing that bars are difficult places to meet women, instead of beating yourself up about not being as good in bars as you believe you should, would take a lot of pressure off of you and would free you to make small, simple steps toward striking up conversations with women, especially if this important element of meeting women in bars is also present.

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About practicalh

Practical, effective dating tips and relationship advice.
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  • Thanks for reaching out I sent you an email. Keep me posted!

  • Jesse Brooks

    Risking sounding sexist, todays women are fucking toxic. *Most* anyway. I watch some of the foulest womanizer chum buckets walk right up to a women and spew some nasty jokes, grope on her, all the while she looks pissed about ready to scream. I get up ready to go stomp this guy out, but someone always stops me. Disgruntled I sit back down and continue drinking. Later that night gues what? Chum bucket and the women leave together. Seriously??? FML, FML so much

  • Jesse Brooks

    Approaching women any where for me is like walking to my crucifixion. Im a 28 year old guy, still a virgin to boot. Im physically attractive, or so say what few friends I have. They say i look like a geeky thor. Im 6’2 210lbs and athletic build. But for the last 10 years, I’ve only been given straight up cruel, borderline toxic rejections. In a bar? Fuck that, ill die alone

  • Thanks for your kind words. I would be happy to write a guest posting. Feel free to e-mail me directly with guidelines – i.e. what you would like the post to be about, desired length, etc…. e-mail is

  • Wow thanks for sharing! This was pretty insightful and I trust that you have some very good experiences so ill keep that in mind.

    Would you be interested in doing a guest post for my site? I want to provide more insight and value for my audience by helping you get traffic. Please let me know! Thanks.

  • With regard to no. 1, as painful as it might sound a compliment but on something unique might be one good way to proceed, especially if she is standing next to a bar. As you approach the bar to order a drink, you glance at her and her ears and you say “these are really cool earrings… I bet they are not from Macy’s. Did you get them some place far away while traveling?” or something like that. Again, this has to be something other than “you are beautiful” or “I like your address”. Pointing out earrings or something equally specific is more effective and unique and it can be a safe conversation opener.
    With regard to number 2 – you can’t completely eliminate this image issue, but a few things you can do are: being dressed elegantly, i.e. – not being overdressed but also not look sloppy or dirty; and also do not be drunk. Been seen as having a normal conversation with a friend is much better than constantly laughing due to be intoxicated. Lastly, do not wait for too long to come up to a bar. The moment you check out the girl 2-3 times and do not approach her, you are placed in the same category as every other guy – i.e. staring without doing anything. And don’t be afraid to approach together with a friend. He doesn’t have to talk on your behalf, but being by your side can be quite helpful to your confidence with the right friend. Imagine you come up to the same bar to order a drink. The girl you want to talk to is on your right. There is nothing wrong with your friend just being there on your left while you are trying to talk to her. Hope this helps.

  • Those are 2 very legit reasons why meeting girls at the bar are difficult unless its a mutual friend. Any ideas on how to tackle that??

  • The Real Truth

    Anywhere you go to meet women nowadays is very scary.

  • Mickey

    I'll do that when I retire.

  • The Real John

    I think the time has come for us men to go overseas.

  • Jay

    it is extremely hard to meet a real good woman there, and there are many of them that play games and have so many major problems too. being in the right place at the right time would certainly help.

  • Dave

    Definitely an important topic. I like meeting women in bars but, man, clubs, can be hard. I think, in such loud environments, less is more. Being the party is key…that lowers social anxiety and builds social proof….

  • straight man here

    the women in general need to be much more educated today, especially where i live. there are so many women that are very nasty, and certainly have an attitude problem that i have noticed. it seems that women do not want to meet men anymore, judging by the way they are acting now. i see it right before my eyes, how women act with men. and then they wonder why it is hard for them to meet a good man. you women first of all need to read a book on how to talk to men, that would make many of you much more educated. second of all, stop playing hard to get. just maybe, the good women and men may connect with each other.

  • absolutely right

    i would rather be introduced by a woman, through my friends. to go out on my own is very hard, since many of them are very nasty and play hard to get. even their attitude, stinks now as well. why are you women so mean and nasty today? years ago, it was a lot easier meeting good women back then. times have changed, and so have the women.

  • practicalhappiness.c

    Well put. In other words, being genuinely happy and having valid reasons to be happy is even better than being confident and is surely much better than pretending to be confident without have anything to be proud of.
    They say that boredom is a source of all evil. I don't know if it is a source of all evil, but it must be a source of not feeling so happy, so confident and so good about yourself.

  • BLaw

    i heard a great line once, "once i stopped focusing on meeting the perfect woman, and just focused on being the perfect guy, she showed up!"

    i think that is very true. you have to have a lot of respect for yourself, and enjoy your life and feel confident about how you are spending your time when you are NOT out there looking for girls. confidence is sexy, but JOY is even sexier. it sounds corny as hell but it's true. When you are out having a good time, wherever, and you smile easily and naturally, people pick up on that, and it's contagious. i've had long conversations with married women who were flattered that i approached, and i had a great time- knowing full well that i'm not getting a date here. and it doesn't matter, there are literally millions of women out there.

    another factor is lifestyle. if you do not consider your body a priority, and eat whatever the hell you want, don't expect to meet a women who's priorities are the opposite of that. working out is different for everyone- you have to do what works for you- but the endorphins you get from regular exercise are a huge confidence builder. also removing the toxins of fast food and junk food in general will have a dramatic effect on every aspect of your life, from how clearly you think to energy and confidence in bed.

    i think we ALL know this stuff deep down, but it's one of those life lessons you have to learn over and over again. i'm 37 and i've never been married, and i don't regret it for one second. i would love to find the love of my life; and i simply was not in a hurry to marry someone i might divorce later. life is beautiful, and you will make all kinds of amazing connections with women (yes, even the smoking hot ones) when you aren't TRYING to find them. you have to focus on what you enjoy, and just KNOW that someone will appear in your life who appreciates that. keep going out, and don't be afraid to say hi, but don't put any expectations on her and approach every situation with confidence and patience, and you will be surprised.

  • so very true

    i do have to agree very much on this, there are a lot more women that i have noticed that are lesbians today. at the clubs, they are even making out on the dance floor. forget about meeting women at bars, especially that many of them are like this now. i will go out, not to stay at home but i really hate it. it is like a game that cannot be won, looking to meet the right woman today. i would have thought going to the book store would be a lot better than the bar, but it is not. the women there are a good thirty years younger, and it obviously makes it worse. trying to start a conversation with the one that i would like to meet, is very hard because they will walk away from me and tell me to leave me alone. it is true, being alone and single now sure sucks. especially that so many men at my age are very lucky to have met the right woman for them, and have a family as well. i feel as if god is punishing me. all i want is to meet the right woman for me, it will be like i have won the lottery.

  • franko

    i have tried this already and it did not work. in fact, they were very nasty to me and told me to leave them alone. there are just too many no good women today. then again, there are a lot of women now that are lesbians which does add to the problem. if i was a woman instead, then she would have fallen in love with me. that is the whole problem today, more and more women are going for other women today instead of men. very disgusting. i am a straight average good looking man, and i would have never thought that i was going to have this problem meeting a good woman for me now. it is garbage like them, that will make it that much harder for us men to meet a good woman today. i am a very sincere man that really hopes to meet the right woman for me again. it bothers me a lot because, i am in my late fifties now and i wish that i was thirty years younger again. for me, time is short. i go out every single night not to be home by myself, just hoping to be at the right place at the right time to meet a good woman for me again. i have a friend that i know that was married and has two children, and last year his wife left him for another woman. i am trying to talk to him and told him that you will meet another good woman someday that will love you for yourself.

  • sasha

    Not at bars and clubs! I do believe there is a douchebaggy type that do well in bars and clubs, but they are losers. They are ONLY good at bars and clubs and their whole life centers around it. For all other guys, bars and clubs suck!

    Here's some advice: Next time you see a hot chick at a coffee shop, bookstore, grocery store, mall, or anywhere else you hang out, do the following: Go up to here and say with a smile and a cheerful tone while looking her right in the eyes: "Hi, I saw you, and I just wanted to meet you. I'm (name)…"

    Get used to doing this, but don't expect anything. Just practice doing this for a month. A couple notes: Do not hesitate, analyze, think of what to say, or overthink things. You see, you like, you immediately approach and say line in above paragraph. Don't worry about what to say after the conversation starts. Some conversations will be very short, some will go well and you will talk for 5 minutes, 15 minutes, half an hour, or even 2 hours. Focus on listening to what she says and what she means and ask follow up questions. Find out about her. Don't talk a lot about yourself.

    Good luck!

  • franko

    as a straight man, meeting women in bars and clubs is very hard today for me. i was married twice at one time and was a very good husband. i was very caring and loving and never mistreated them at all. however, they both cheated on me and i never cheated on them. i was a very happily married man at the time. now being alone sucks. i feel as if the world is crashing down on me. i do go out a lot but i meet all the nasty low life women, and never the good ones. where are all the good straight women today?