What Every Guy Should Know About Becoming More Confident

(Last Updated On: 08/11/2015)

more-confident-guy-with-womenMost people want to change something about themselves. For some, it’s just an adjustment of an existing quality/skill that they are seeking, while others wish to completely transform themselves in one way or the other. So, why is it that so few people actually succeed in changing and improving themselves?

I believe that one of the main reasons for this common failure is that people actually believe that it’s easy to change. They think that all they have to do to improving something about themselves is make a promise to themselves, and the rest will take care of itself without significant problems or setbacks. This is exactly why new years resolutions fail in the vast majority of cases. People think that saying that starting on January 1, that we won’t eat certain foods, or will exercise more and lose weight, or will take complete control of their temper / jealousy, or will start reading once book per month is all it takes in order to achieve their set goal. However, the real road to improvement us usually filled with set backs, challenges, disappointments and failures before one reaches the goal. Making a resolution of eating right after months or years of poor nutrition might sound easy, but just a few days later of trying to stick to the promise to eat better will bring strong cravings and temptation to break the new self imposed rules. Committing to an exercise routine will make an out of shape person sore and discouraged after a day or two of working out. This is why our gyms are so much busier, as we all know, in the beginning of the year, and yet their go back to their regular attendance just a few weeks later.

Let us not forget that Roger Federer did not become the best tennis player in the history of the game by making a resolution alone. He worked tirelessly day after day, losing more matches than winning for many years, working on his psychological issues with specialists due to admitted instability, and doing many other things that we are not aware of before he became who he is known to be today. Even though she received more than her fair share of negative publicity, Britney Spears had to rehearse for many, many hours, days and years, and be rejected audition after audition before she became a famous pop star. The same, to a probably more extreme degree, applies to Eminem, as his movie reflects it. It might look like Barak Obama popped out of nowhere and became a president, but his road to the top wasn’t easy. Many achievements and a lot of hard work preceded his presidential race and victory. The above examples are very different from each other, but they all clearly demonstrate the same pattern: success, victory and achievement are achieved gradually and are hardly free of obstacles.

Guys makes the same mistake when it comes to wishing to work on becoming more confident with women, conversational skills, flirting, developing attraction, and alike. They either looks for shortcuts and instant solution to an issue which is deeper than they usually assume and which requires work and gradual improvement, or they make unrealistic resolutions/promises to approach 10 women a day, which only work in marketing tricks that various dating “gurus” produce out there.

Confidence with women and dating however is just like any other skill – it requires work, patience and one should expect gradual improvement rather than instant transformation from being shy to being completely comfortable with women. If you are a shy guy who has difficulty initiating conversations with women and feeling comfortable around the opposite sex, understanding this and being ready to work and develop this skill slowly through both learning about confidence, working on eliminating the internal obstacles that stifle confidence, and experimenting in the real world, without expecting to become confident and shyness-free overnight. After all, if it was that easy, every guy would have been able to do it, but that’s not the case. Only the select few, who understand and don’t underestimate the task reach their desired goals.

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About practicalh

Practical, effective dating tips and relationship advice.
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  • Alessandro

    Thank you, Pratical Happiness.

    I am the guy who wrote the message that comes just before this one. I really appreciate your points of view: they are brilliant and "out of the box" (and such thing is a great thing, especially if we consider the incredible amount of rigid dating advices on the internet). You wrote: "It’s possible that the reason that the woman wants your friendship is for nothing other than to stroke her ego" and this idea is very correct. That girl is very focused on herself, on her beauty, and she seems not very comfortable when someone teases her instead of admiring her aspect and saying "you are very sexy" to her.

    You also wrote: "If one woman happened to think that you are still shy and quiet but you have proven over the past years to yourself and others, that you are not, I would not hold this woman’s opinion as conclusive." Perfect. The other day I had a phone conversation with another girl who is older than me (35): she is in love with me and thinks that being a little shy and classy is very sexy for a man. Also, she doesn't consider me a little boy. With that phone call I realized that, even though learning to be a confident alpha male is good, it is important not to be trapped into some theoretic stereotypes when it comes to studying seduction.

    Every woman is different, and there are various kinds of confident, attractive men. Thank you again for your wise out of the box advice.

  • practicalhappiness.c

    @ Allesandro.
    First, the fact that her opinion matters to her that much suggest that you really like her, for better or for worse. Maybe it's even more than just liking her. But… back to your point. If one woman happened to think that you are still shy and quiet but you have proven over the past years to yourself and others, that you are not, I would not hold this woman's opinion as conclusive. Everyone sees others different. It's possible that the way you act with this woman is different than you do with others and that changes how she views you which is quite natural. Also, if she perceives you as a boy due to age different, that's also expected and that's not a bad thing. After all, you are younger, and if she is not used to dealing with younger guys, this is how she feels and she has the right to feel that way obviously. If she doesn't want any kind of romantic involvement with you, you must decide for yourself whether being around her as a friend is a good enough for you or whether you will always harbor hope that there will be something more and whether not having it will hurt you. It's possible that the reason that the woman wants your friendship is for nothing other than to stroke her ego by having a younger guy who really likes her around her, but I don't want to speculate so much about someone I don't know anything about. Just a thought to consider. Thanks.

  • Alessandro

    Dear Pratical happiness, I have something to ask you about confidence.

    I am 28, I am usually considered an attractive guy with interesting things going on in his life (I am a doctor, I play guitar, I write stories, etc). They also say that I am very handsome.

    When I was in high school, however, I was very shy and considered not as attractive as other very sociable guys.

    But time passed, I became confident with women and started to date beautiful girls, who were used to say I was very sexy, interesting, and so on.
    I admit that I’ve always had a gentleman style: it doesn’t mean I am boring, but that I’ve always had an attractive “prince” vibe rather than a “corsair/rude” style.

    I was happy: my last girlfriend was older than me (34) and considered me as a sort of hero: confident, super sexy, great in bed, sweet, elegant, interesting…

    The problem is that I met another older woman (37) three weeks ago. She likes mature guys (35-45), in particular muscular ones (and I am not muscular). She likes my friendship, but doesn’t want to have a short sex relationship with me because she doesn’t like short sex relationsips; on the other side, she doesn’t want to have a committed relationship with me because of our age difference. So, we are spending some time together in a platonic way – she enjoys my company -.
    The problem is this: one day we were talking about leadership; as soon as I told her I was the leader of my group of friends, she told me she didn’t believe it, because, in her opinion, I am shy, not super confident and not impulsive. She also said I am a little boy in her eyes (while this is not what other older women think about me – consider my ex gf -).

    Those words really hurt me! I said to myself: “Oh my God, I am still the shy guy I was at high school! What’s happened?!”

    In your opinion, how is it possible that a person (me, in this case) seems confident/perfect/sexy to particular girls and unconfident/shy/immature to others?
    Probably the last girl I have talked about is the kind of girl who considers only rude bodybuilders to be confident?

  • Cupido

    Thank you very much for your reply.

    Consider as an example the HIV infection: a person can be infected if fluids from the HIV positive partner (blood, vaginal secretions or semen) come in contact with one of these surfaces:
    1. Surface of the mouth
    2. Surface of the glans (the internal part of the penis)
    3. Surface of the vaginal duct
    4. Internal surface of the rectum
    5. Surface of injured skin.

    I have used simple words for persons who don’t have a medical background.

    When a man makes a cunnilingus on an infected woman, her vaginal fluids (infected) come in contact with the surface of his mouth. It is a low risk activity, but I don’t want to risk 🙂
    You are right: probably it would be better to investigate in a moment different than sex. However, this investigation should be done with the right words.

    Dental dam is a latex barrier (similar to a coloured handkerchief) that is put on her vulva in order to separate the mouth from the vaginal fluids.

    Thanks, Arkady 🙂

  • practicalhappiness.com

    Hello, and thank you for your kind words. That’s a very interesting question. I am not an expert in STD’s and have no medical background, and I am not sure what diseases, if any, can be transferred through gums. I do agree however that wearing something like that may turn off your female partner and make you come across as paranoic and the whole thing will move away from romance, unless there is a way to use it without her knowing. For instance, if you can discretely put it on right before oral sex and take it off right after… I honestly don’t even know what dental dam is.

    One option I have for you is this: having sex once or twice without going down there. And then after that talking about this but not during sex, but rather in a regular conversation so it doesn’t interfere with your special time with her.

  • Cupido

    Dear PracticalHappines, I am Italian, I really esteem you for the wisdom advices, for your English (very good for improving my language skills) and the fact that you are not only a dating coach but also an attorney.

    When a man improves his dating skills, obviously the risk of STDs increases. And if you can use a condom to turn this risk near zero during penetration, when you perform oral sex on a woman with a sexual disease you are not safe until you use a dental dam.

    Now, I would like to have a psychological opinion from you.

    In Italy I don't think that using dental dams is common practice. So, I am worried that a woman would think I am a stupid hypochondriac if I told her I would like to use a dental dam on her. Ok, probably I am exaggerating, probably she would understand…. What do you think about this?

    Ok, second point. Let's say I have decided to impose the use of dental dam when in an intercourse with an occasional girl. What about the following situation?

    I have known a woman for about four days, I am romantic with her, everything is going perfectly, there's a lovely sweet atmosphere around us, but I am not sure she has not any STD. If I made love with this girl, how would I ask her to use a dental dam? Wouldn't it be completely anti-romantic? Wouldn't she feel considered dirty? Wuldn't she get offended?

    Thank you very much!

    P.S.: I really like your videos: they are enjoyable and clear to listen!

  • Matt

    Thank you.

  • Nate

    Thank you much, brother.

    The information on this site has helped me get through a very rough time.

    You are a good man.

  • Andreas

    You forgot to mention one of the most important example in history. Tomas Edison who had only some months if school education and managed to discover electricity. He failed 10000 times literaly until he reached his goal. I also did a lot of fail tries in my road to become confident with women. It took me 9 months till i did my first random approach to women 🙂