Why Women Flake and What You Can Do About It

(Last Updated On: 12/25/2014)

why girls flake Flaking is one of the more common and frustrating problems that guys deal with when meeting and dating women. A lot has been written about flaking already in all kinds of magazines and publications. It is easy to blame and criticize women for being flakes and for not following through with returning phone calls, text messages, for cancelling dates on a short notice, and other kinds of inconsistent and disappointing behavior. However, like with the reasons guys cheat on women, when the issue is as common as flaking, criticizing it is not useful or productive, as valid as that criticism might be. However, understanding the main reasons that so women flake so often and knowing what you can do about it to minimize your experience with flakiness can be very useful to your ability to meet and date women:

1. Flaking As a Personality Flaw

One major reason that girls flake has nothing to do with who you are. Some women are simply inconsistent in their behavior and have a hard time following through and managing their schedule, so they can’t commit to anything, and when they do, they think that not doing as they say  they will is not a big deal. This is why a girl might cancel a date with you because she is “tired” or has a “stomach flu”. Other girls have all kinds of fears and concerns about meeting and going out with guys. Their mind would be constantly coming up with all kinds of reasons why you are not the right guy to talk to or go out with. This is more typical when meeting girls online and also among younger women, who don’t really know what and who they want. I personally find it disturbing when a girl says that she is fully aware of being a flake and she sees nothing wrong with that.

There is nothing you can do about this kind of girls except moving on as soon as possible and hoping that they will become less flaky with age and experience for their own good. No matter how great a certain girl is and how special you find her to be, if she cannot be there when she says she will, she will not be worth your efforts, and  you continuing to pursue her despite her flakiness is going to cause you much more pain and disappointment than joy.

2. Some Women Flake Due to Having Too Many Options and too Much Attention from Guys

The second reason that so many women are flaky is the increasing amount of options they have today when it comes to meeting guys. This is especially true with the more attractive girls who are heavily involved in social media and online dating activity. These girls used to be hit on every now and then by lame guys, and the experience of being approached by an attractive guy in a confident but respectful way was more rare and more special to them, because it simply didn’t happen very often. Today, however, as you surely know, these girls get endless messages, pokes, friend requests, compliments and sexually suggestive comments on Facebook, OkCupid, Instagram, Match, and many other similar websites. The fact that the girls today are glued to their I-phone makes that attention constant and often overwhelming. It is both flattering and tiring for them to constantly get a beep or a ping or a buzz on their smartphone every time some guy says something to them on any of those websites. Above all, it makes these girls appreciate each gesture of attention from guys less than if those signs of attention were less frequent.

It’s naturally harder for a girl to return your call or commit to going out with you or be excited about your compliment when five other guys are asking her out, calling and texting her and telling her how wonderful she is. That girl is more likely to not call you back, and she is the same girl who is more likely to cancel a date with you on a short notice if something else came up that she would rather do instead of meeting you, or if she doesn’t think much of you because the finds the attention from those other five guys who talk to her online more meaningful.

There is not much you can do about this situation either, except if you are dealing with an attractive woman who seems to be having a very active social life, you should not be one of those many pushy guys that are chasing her. If a girl doesn’t return your phone call or text, there is absolutely no reason to follow up with another call or text. That alone – not being as annoying as other guys – might differentiate you from many other guys who keep calling and texting her and begging to talk to her and go out with her. To some girls, the fact that you are not pushy and that you make one move and are not pushing it afterwards is in itself a good sign – a sign that the guy is not as lame or desperate as those other guys she is talking to. However,  if that girl doesn’t have time or too overwhelmed with her life or the attention she gets from her friends other guys, again – she is not the right one for you to try to go out with and date, and you have to move on, because fighting over her time and attention will be neither fun nor productive to you.  girl flakes on a date by text

3. Women Flake Due to Being Too Jaded  

The third reason that women flake so often as because many of them are so jaded by the negative dating experience. If you are a single young woman who is attractive, you get a lot of attention. You get asked out and go out on a lot of dates and consequently – you have many negative experiences. The more guys you meet that you don’t like or that disappoint you in one way or another, the less hopeful you are that one great guy will come into your life, with whom you will have that magic connection. Girls who lose much of that hope are less excited about going out on dates in general and are therefore more likely to not follow through with calling/texting guys back or going out on dates with the guys they meet.

4. Girl Flake Due to the Guy Not Creating a Sufficiently Worthy Experience to Look Forward to

The forth and last reason for flaking, and the one you have the most control over, is the fact that most guys don’t offer anything to the girls that’s worth their time or attention. One of the more successful businessmen in Los Angeles, Sam Nazarian, who runs a number of high-end clubs, bars, restaurants and hotels, pointed out very wisely that it’s easy to make a customer come into your establishment once. It’s much harder and much more important, however, to make that customer come back over and over again. We all know this, and we have all been there. You go to a restaurant or a bar or a club or even on vacation. You have an ok experience. It might be even better than ok, and yet you know right then and there that you will not be back there because it simply wasn’t good enough for you to go back there, given all the other options out there.  The same applies to meeting women. If she meets with you and she has a neutral impression of you or B+ impression of you, she might think you are a nice guy and give you her phone number, but by the time you call she won’t feel like talking to you because she doesn’t really want to – she doesn’t feel the desire to talk you. She wasn’t looking forward enough to hearing from you because when you met, she didn’t get the impression that you were someone that she would love to see again. It’s the same as if you met a friend at a party or somewhere else, exchange information and told each other “Let’s hang out sometimes” or “Let’s have lunch” to only never hear from each other again. Even though you might have enjoyed each other’s company when you met, it wasn’t great enough for you to want to see each other again.

This is one area that you can work on and ask yourself how you can make yourself more attractive, more interesting, and more desirable for women to want to see you again after they meet you for the first time. Beyond natural chemistry that you might or might not have with any particular girl, the following aspects of your personality and your interactions with girls will significantly reduce this type of flaking and will make your more attractive:

(a) Having sense of humor, wit and good conversational skills when you meet her for the very first time. Being entertaining and funny without going overboard is one way to be attractive and make a woman want to see you again after you meet her for the first time. You want the girl you meet to think shortly after she meets you “Wow, he is different. He is easy to talk to, entertaining and smart. It has been a while since I met someone like that.”

(b) Being busy and ambitious. If a girl knows that you are in school or have a serious job or both and you are taking practical, specific steps on accomplishing something in life, it will make her take you more seriously and respect you more, and respect is paramount to her being attract to and interested in you.

(c) Not tiring the girl with your presence. This means not talking to a girl for hours after you meet her for the first time. Many guys like to linger around a girl they just met, hoping they will “score” the same night. If that’s your only goal, then hanging around as long as possible might be the right way to go. But if you are interested in going out, getting to know and potentially dating that girl, you should cut your conversation short and not stick around for longer than 20-30 minutes in any situation. This also means not talking too much when you are together and not overwhelming her with too many phone calls, text messages, or instant messaging, so that you don’t turn into one of her thousand online friends or one of the male admirers who fight over her attention.

(d) Being punctual yourself. If you call and show up when you say you will, it will implicitly communicate to the girls that you are not a flake and you expect the same from them.

(e) Recognizing the signs of lack of interest and and moving on when it’s time. If it’s clear to you that the girl is not that into you and she is just waiting for an opportunity to exit a conversation, there is no point in pushing it, and gracefully exciting and leaving is the right thing to do.

5. Flaking is Easier Today than Ever Before – So What Should You Do About It? 

It is easier to cancel your date or any other social plans than before because of texting. You no longer need to confront the other person on the phone and deal with their displeasure in a live conversation. Instead, you can just send a text message and move on. Also, the fact that flaking is so common these days makes it sadly generally more socially acceptable.

Flaking seems to be an annoying and growing part of modern life, and it becomes more common in both – social and romantic settings.  Even if you do everything right, you will not be able to completely eliminate flaking from your interactions with women. In fact, it’s very important that as a single guy who regularly meets and dates women and who learn about becoming more confident with women, you accept that flaking is a natural part of meeting women, just like playing competitive sports necessarily means losing every now and then, no matter how often you win. This doesn’t mean that you have to tolerate flaking or any other disrespectful behavior from women, but once you embrace flaking and don’t let an occasional “sorry I can’t make it” text get to you, you will be much better off.

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