Many people would suggest to you that one of the best things you can do in your interactions with others (whether social, professional, or romantic) is being yourself. While those frequently used words sound compelling, and in many ways this is true, I believe that this advice is often misapplied and hurts those who use it more than it helps.
Surely, remaining true to your principles and not compromising your honesty, integrity and pride for improper reasons are important and admirable qualities to have, but “being yourself” comes with a lot of questions. First, what does being yourself really mean? All of us can admit that we act very differently at work from the way we are with our friends, relatives, and lovers/relationship partners. Clearly, we behave very differently around the people we really like as opposed to those who we don’t care for very much. So, when are we being “ourselves?” Is it never? Or… is it always? Perhaps we are always ourselves but we naturally adjust who we are to the circumstances, so that “being yourself” is a dynamic concept where you are yourself at all times even though you act differently?
Secondly, I believe that one of the greatest assets that we, humans, have is our ability to change and improve ourselves consciously. This is one of the major reasons we were given brains and free will – to exercise the ability to improve all aspects of who we are. Learning to be stronger and better doesn’t mean not being yourself and doesn’t mean betraying who you really are – it means becoming better and stronger. Too many people use the excuse of “don’t change me… let me be myself” as a justification for their weaknesses, laziness and lack of proactive attitude toward improving themselves and their lives. Believing that they should “remain true to who they are” gives them permission to not learn, work or put any other efforts into improving who they are socially, professionally, physically and otherwise.
So, if you get an advice on how to respond to a certain behavior by a woman or any other dating or relationship advice, which goes against your instinct, this doesn’t mean that following that advice makes you fake or not being yourself. This simply means that you learn how to do better in a given situation by thinking, analyzing and observating a certain dynamic.
Thus, if the girl you are about to go out with playfully asks you before the date “How are you going to impress me?” and your first gut instinct urges you to tell her all about your plan to woo her and make that date unforgettable, it’s perfectly ok to stop, think about it, consult with someone who knows and understands dating and attraction better and realize that a better response could be equally playful and sarcastic, by saying: “Well, first we will have a glass of champagne, and then we will head to Tiffany’s for some shopping.” or in the alternative, saying: “Don’t worry about it; wear something comfortable and I will take care of the rest.”
Many people advise their friends to be themselves because that’s the easiest advice to give. It doesn’t require thinking or analyzing the person’s unique, individual situation. Anyone can tell his/her friend “be yourself” but this very generic advice has little, if any, value. It’s much harder to give actual, candid, specific, practical advice, especially when it comes to dating and relationships.
Again, it’s easy to adopt the “just be yourself” advice and refuse to learn and grow. Don’t be one of those people. Don’t be afraid to not be yourself, to experiment, adopt things that others used successfully and see how and where you can improve.
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haha you are hilarious. seriously.
but i am curious… regarding the posted video, how does this advice to avoid communicating these perceived signs of insecurity compare with your opinion that the most desperate and insecure people are those who try to not seem needy? because while one may in fact feel secure with himself, doesn’t changing his behaviour in order to be perceived in a more attractive light qualify as “not trying to appear needy?”
Great question. I would think it depends on how you go about making sure you that you are not trying to appear needy. Posturing, play way too hard to get to try to be perceived popular, not returning calls and e-mails for weeks, etc… are bad ways to trying to be a “challenge.” But genuinely fixing up your life, making your days more interesting through school, work, hobbies, working out, going out, etc… and ensuring that you have other romantic and non-romantic options will make you naturally less needy by default.
actually, i was referring to the posted video titled “which small mistakes scare women off” something-something… it’s posted just above here. you advise men to avoid doing things that will scare off women, and it got me thinking back to your article stating your opinion that the people who try not to appear needy are the most needy of the bunch. i think it’s called “who is truly desperate.” my question is, where do you make the distinction between ‘trying not to scare her away with actions signifying your neediness’ and ‘doing things to not appear too interested or needy’?
That’s a great question. I guess steering clear from the extremes is a good idea. The healthy way not to appear needy is not to call someone all the time, not beg for their attention literally, not to tell him/her that you love her too early, when you can’t possible love her, etc…
The extreme would be not approaching someone, not making eye contact, not making any moves even when it’s clear that the other person is interested and the time is right, purposely being unavailable all the time, not returning calls for days, etc…