Oct 10 2009
Why you should NOT just be yourself
Many people would suggest to you that one of the best things you can do in your interactions with others (whether social, professional, or romantic) is being yourself. While those frequently used words sound compelling, and in many ways this is true, I believe that this advice is often misapplied and hurts those who use it more than it helps.
Surely, remaining true to your principles and not compromising your honesty, integrity and pride for improper reasons are important and admirable qualities to have, but “being yourself” comes with a lot of questions. First, what does being yourself really mean? All of us can admit that we act very differently at work from the way we are with our friends, relatives, and lovers/relationship partners. Clearly, we behave very differently around the people we really like as opposed to those who we don’t care for very much. So, when are we being “ourselves?” Is it never? Or… is it always? Perhaps we are always ourselves but we naturally adjust who we are to the circumstances, so that “being yourself” is a dynamic concept where you are yourself at all times even though you act differently?
Secondly, I believe that one of the greatest assets that we, humans, have is our ability to change and improve ourselves consciously. This is one of the major reasons we were given brains and free will – to exercise the ability to improve all aspects of who we are. Learning to be stronger and better doesn’t mean not being yourself and doesn’t mean betraying who you really are – it means becoming better and stronger. Too many people use the excuse of “don’t change me… let me be myself” as a justification for their weaknesses, laziness and lack of proactive attitude toward improving themselves and their lives. Believing that they should “remain true to who they are” gives them permission to not learn, work or put any other efforts into improving who they are socially, professionally, physically and otherwise.
So, if you get an advice on how to respond to a certain behavior by a woman or any other dating or relationship advice, which goes against your instinct, this doesn’t mean that following that advice makes you fake or not being yourself. This simply means that you learn how to do better in a given situation by thinking, analyzing and observating a certain dynamic.
Thus, if the girl you are about to go out with playfully asks you before the date “How are you going to impress me?” and your first gut instinct urges you to tell her all about your plan to woo her and make that date unforgettable, it’s perfectly ok to stop, think about it, consult with someone who knows and understands dating and attraction better and realize that a better response could be equally playful and sarcastic, by saying: “Well, first we will have a glass of champagne, and then we will head to Tiffany’s for some shopping.” or in the alternative, saying: “Don’t worry about it; wear something comfortable and I will take care of the rest.”
Many people advise their friends to be themselves because that’s the easiest advice to give. It doesn’t require thinking or analyzing the person’s unique, individual situation. Anyone can tell his/her friend “be yourself” but this very generic advice has little, if any, value. It’s much harder to give actual, candid, specific, practical advice, especially when it comes to dating and relationships.
Again, it’s easy to adopt the “just be yourself” advice and refuse to learn and grow. Don’t be one of those people. Don’t be afraid to not be yourself, to experiment, adopt things that others used successfully and see how and where you can improve.
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