Insecurities and lack of confidence are one of the biggest challenges and barriers in a man’s road toward becoming more successful with women and dating. In order to overcome and eliminate those insecurities with women, it is essential to understand what their sources is and what causes that lack of confidence with women. While surely there is more than one factor that affect’s a man’s confidence and self esteem with women, my observations clearly suggest that the single greatest cause of insecurities that guys have with women is guilt!
Let me explain. Most guys, especially in the western parts of the world, have the experience of meeting, going out and even trying to date those women who have been confused and traumatized by their negative dating experience with guys. A typical woman in the modern world has been lied to, cheated on and otherwise disappointment in men many times. As a result, many of those women become extremely jaded and even develop general resentment toward the male kind as a whole. When you meet such a woman, you will notice that her shields/guards against being approached by a guy and meeting a guy are unsually high. It’s clear that she assumes about guys the worst from the very beginning until and unless proven otherwise. Such a woman would act as if she was doing you a favor by talking to you. Soon after you meet her, she will start complaining to you about guys and she will make it clear to you that she considers it generally inappropriate for a guy to “hit” on girls and pick them up. This kind of woman would generally come across as uptight, and possibly even frigid – having her sexual nature repressed and making an impression that she doesn’t desire a physical closeness with a man.
When a guy meets such women over and over, he starts believing that what he wants – approaching, meeting, talking, attracting, and sleeping with women – is indeed wrong and that he should really feel guilty about it. I wish to urge you against developing such a line of thinking. You must not allow those women who are clearly victims of their past dating experience turn you into an insecure guy who feels that he is doing something wrong when he feels sexually attracted to a woman and wants to meet her and possibly date her. You must remember a simple truth – if it wasn’t for pick-up and dating – if it wasn’t for our fathers making a move on our mothers, none of us would be here now.
It’s a shame, in my opinion, that such terms as “hitting on a girl,” “pick up,” and “meat market” have such a negative connotation in our soceity. After all, what is wrong with the above things? “Hitting on a girl” means trying to meet her. “Pick up” means essentially the same. And “meat market” means nothing other than a certain social environment that facilitates people’s ability to meet each other for dating, sex, etc. I see nothing wrong with any of the above things. And I am convinced that you don’t either.
So what does this mean to you? Well, in simple terms it means that in order to overcome or not even let insecurities affect your behavior and actions with women, you must stay away from the above-mentioned women. Spending any time with a woman who doesn’t make you feel welcome, who doesn’t seem to be genuinely interested in your company, and who perceives you as a “dog” who only wants to have sex with her without having any real reasons to assume that, is very damaging to your confidence and self-esteem. Therefore, you must stay away from those women and seek the company of those women whose open feminine demeanor, desire to be courted and romanced, and strong female sexuality make you feel like a man and help you overcome and eliminate your insecurities with women.
it seems like I have been approaching that kind of women all the time, and yes i started believe that what i want (approaching, meeting, talking, attracting, and sleeping with women)– is something wrong.
By now I am 31 years old guy who have never been involved in any relationship whatsoever, and I don’t think it will change any soon, even though i have already read all of your articles and watched all of your videos, I am still rejected by the women over and over…Maybe is time ti give it up
It’s at the point now where you see nothing but male bashing all the time, now. This has nothing with approach anxiety or insecurity. At this stage of the game, women truly hate men and will step on one every chance they get. Sorry, I just don’t believe in finding that so-called “special someone”.
Hi, Mickey. Well, lets hope that not all women hate men. I am sure we both can think of a few women that we know that don’t hate men. In fact, there are women out there who really don’t like women who hate men and are aware of the problems just as much as men do.
I usually really like your writings but this time I totally disagree. Staying away from any woman can never be the solution for any issue. A problem could rather arise as a consequence of having wrong expectations in a woman and drawing wrong inferences on yourself after being not successful. But it is exactly these kind of women who are the ‘worst’ that can help you to overcome your insecurities and boost your confidence. Provided that you are willing to learn how to handle them.
In my opinion, the most difficult women are the ones you learn the most. It might be sometimes exhausting and frustrating, but if you have the courage to face resistance and rejection and take challenges without fear, you will finally become a stronger man. That does not mean that you should necessarily look for these kind of women but you should not avoid them either. It is more about learning to detach your self-esteem and confidence from any woman’s behaviour. We don’t need women to make us feel welcomed, we need to welcome us regardless of how a woman is behaving towards us in any situation.
i tottaly agree with Visionary,remember guys: every feet in the butt means a step away(xcuse my english)
Pooler, try an alternative approach. Consider this for a moment… The problem is not how you approach or interact with women, it is the constant feeling of fear, anxiety, and loneliness that you feel. This makes your attempts doomed from the start because you initiate each encounder with this undercurrent of fear. The source of the problem is the fear you feel. So what do you do… Keep an open mind here…. When you feel that fear or loneliness dont let your mind label it, dont get caught up in it, instead just observe it… Impartially, dont judge the fear and grief, just “feel it”… Go through it… and let it transform into peace. This may not happen immediately but you will certainly feel a shift the first time you do it. For more on this method of psychology and transforming pain into peace read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I’m not a spokesman, just someone who has experience a lot of pain in my life and has now managed to move through and past it. Trust me my friend, the true problem is rarely what most people think it is. Good luck
(To Pooler), try an alternative approach. Consider this for a moment… The problem is not how you approach or interact with women, it is the constant feeling of fear, anxiety, and loneliness that you feel. This makes your attempts doomed from the start because you initiate each encounder with this undercurrent of fear. The source of the problem is the fear you feel. So what do you do… Keep an open mind here…. When you feel that fear or loneliness dont let your mind label it, dont get caught up in it, instead just observe it… Impartially, dont judge the fear and grief, just “feel it”… Go through it… and let it transform into peace. This may not happen immediately but you will certainly feel a shift the first time you do it. For more on this method of psychology and transforming pain into peace read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I’m not a spokesman, just someone who has experience a lot of pain in my life and has now managed to move through and past it. Trust me my friend, the true problem is rarely what most people think it is. Good luck
I don’t think insecurity is the issue here. I believe it is the realization that women today are typically hard-wired to dislike/distrust and be generally adversarial to guys. Usually, a woman regularly shows off her aura of unapproachability & antipathy. As a result, common sense suggests that a guy doesn’t go for it because he’s reasonably sure that his attempt to approach will go to waste. Thus, if one already knows that trying to meet mostly hostile women will only be met with harsh rejection, one is pretty sure that making an approach isn’t worth it. It doesn’t make sense to try to pursue a mythical reward that you know is non-existent. Thus, I believe that walking away from what one perceives to be a guaranteed failure is NOT the same as being scared.