Below is an excerpt from our dating advice e-book for women “What You Wish You Knew About Men”
“…5. Do Not Become a Victim of Your Past!
As a woman who has probably been dating for some time, you know very well that in the dating world, disappointments are part of the game and they are inevitable. Arguments, fighting, cheating, break-ups, falling in love, falling out of love, jealousy – these are only some of the many problems of dating. Despite that, you should not allow yourself to become a victim of your past disappointments in men.
Many women develop harsh attitudes and thick skin toward dating as a result of their repeated disappointments in men. These women believe that because many of their previous men were unreliable, not loyal, boring or otherwise unworthy, the men they will meet in the future will also have the same flaws. This belief, however, has no rational foundation. Your previous five or even ten negative experiences with men say very little or nothing about the next man you are going to meet, because that next man might just be different from all the other men you have ever encountered.
Many women jump from one extreme to another extreme in their dating strategies because of having one or a few bad dating experiences. For example, a woman, who slept with a guy on a first date and never heard from him again, often takes out her anger at that man by going to the other extreme and making her next potential partner wait way too long to have sex with her. This kind of behavior is likely to push the guy away and make that woman miss out as well.
Of course, you should not dismiss your past. You have to treat your past dating experiences as valuable lessons from which you learn how to handle difficult situations and how to avoid the mistakes that you made before. But those past experiences do not reflect in any way on the guy you are going to meet today or any time in the future.
The same principle of not becoming a victim of your experiences applies in a short-term realm as well. Thus, even if five drunk men have approached you at a bar in a really annoying manner, this does not mean that the sixth guy will also be drunk and annoying. As difficult as it is to hope for a better man to approach you and talk to you after several bad experiences in one night, it is your duty to yourself to avoid generalizing and putting all men on the same level. Without a doubt, the good men are a small minority out there, but that is what makes the rewards of finding those few men so satisfying. Let’s admit it – most good things in life that are worth having are not common and are not easy to find. Finding them requires hard work and patience. Great men who are compatible with you or any other woman are rare, but they do exist. As pragmatic as it may sound – finding such men is a numbers game.
So, don’t allow your past disappointments prevent you from taking advantage of your present and future encounters with men. They might just be very different and much better than the ones you had before. Besides, deciding not to meet those few great men because the majority of guys are mediocre is too high of a price to pay and doesn’t justify your missing out on the magic of love and romance. Good things are scarce, and men are not an exception. This, however, should not be your excuse not to enjoy looking for and finding those good men.
6. Do Not Dismiss Men Prematurely
I am fascinated by the fact that so many women, who are eager to meet men, dismiss many of the men they see or meet before they even have a chance to get to know them on the most basic level. Two kinds of reasons for the early “write-off” by women are particularly common: (1) bad pick-up lines used by men; and (2) lack of instant physical attraction to a man. However, both of these reasons are often not significant enough to justify dismissing a guy. These very petty reasons make women miss out on guys who they could potentially be interested in dating if they gave those men and themselves a chance to get past those little issues.
When a man approaches a woman with a bad/cheesy pick-up line, a woman tends to conclude a lot of things about that man and his personality based on that single sentence that he is using in order to meet her. But think about it – a man who approaches you is usually trying really hard to think of something to say – something that would grab your attention. Not knowing what to say in order to meet a woman is one of the major reasons why guys don’t come up and talk to women nearly as often as they would like to. Imagine a man who wants to meet you and doesn’t really have a “legitimate” reason to talk to you. Often he has no other choice but say something that is inevitably silly and sounding artificial. But, what does that single pick-up line really say about him as a person? NOTHING! His bad pick-up line doesn’t mean that he is stupid, or boring, or rude. At most, it says that he is not “smooth” or that he is not good at choosing the right word at the right time when he starts his conversation with a woman. All it says is that his way to start a conversation was not the most original one but it really doesn’t say anything else about him.
Thus, I encourage you to ignore the first one or two things that a man says when he is trying to meet you and look beyond that. You might just discover a personality behind that pick-up line which is much more colorful than what those few first words of his could have possibly conveyed to you. Sure, “Can I get you a drink?” or “I like your shoes!” can sound really cheesy and cliché. But do these first few words really matter? If you decide to give men a break and not expect from them a particularly incredible, fairy-tale kind of conversation immediately after they meet you, you might be pleasantly surprised that a man who used a bad line to meet you, has quite a few interesting things to share with you shortly after, and he might just strike you as an engaging, fun company.
Similarly, dismissing men immediately based on their looks is not a great idea either.
Most women can think of the time when they fell in love with a man who wouldn’t have struck them as particularly good looking right away if they had met him today for the first time, and yet those women did fall for him back then.
This proves beyond any doubt that a woman’s perception of a man’s attractiveness is shaped not only by his appearance but also by who he is. And the latter is never known immediately, and it requires time to be discovered. I have seen many women reject guys because those men were bald or had a beer belly, even though those women’s ex-boyfriends or ex-husbands were also bald and overweight. These women didn’t give themselves and those men a chance. If they did, they might have discovered some very interesting men behind those flaws and would have likely overlooked those physical flaws for the sake of other, much more valuable qualities that those men might have had to offer.
Just imagine for a moment, two twin brothers who you meet for the first time. Do you realize that one of them might be more attractive to you than the other because one of them has a more attractive character and personality than his brother? If you can imagine this situation, and if you agree that you will indeed find one of the twins with the better personality more sexually attractive, you have just proven to yourself that looks, although they are a substantial factor, are not determinative of your selection of romantic partners.
Thus, unless a man is completely physically repulsive to you, you should give yourself and him a chance to get to know each other. You should postpone making a judgment about that man’s looks and his value to you as a romantic partner until later time, so that you do not miss out on one incredible man who you didn’t connect with because he simply didn’t sweep you off your feet when you first saw him.
7. Your First Impressions Don’t Mean as Much as You Might Think
Many women believe that they can determine whether they are attracted to a guy and whether they can consider him as a potential romantic partner within a few moments after seeing or meeting that guy. If you carry such a belief, I suggest that you abandon it because it simply doesn’t withstand the test of what actually happens in the real world. The reality is that the only things you can determine about a man after a knowing him for a few moments is whether or not he is physically attractive, his style, and perhaps his level of social comfort in that particular situation in which you meet him. Surely those cues are important and they help trigger an interest in you, but real love – an emotion on which long-term romantic relationships are built, requires many other qualities in a partner. Finding out whether a man possesses these desirable qualities requires time. Sometimes it takes days, weeks or longer to find out whether a man is trustworthy, reliable, hardworking, ambitious, etc. I know quite a few couples who enjoy wonderful relationships. Many of those relationships didn’t start with an instant chemistry and “sparks.” They have developed over time and have gradually grown into what these couples enjoy today. Therefore, avoiding premature assumptions based on early impressions of a guy is a good idea.
8. If You Are Interested, Don’t Be Ashamed to Act Like You Are Interested!
I can’t help but be astounded every time I see a woman who likes a guy and yet she is reluctant to show any signs of interest in him.
As I discussed above, being embarrassed to show interest in a guy is one of the biggest obstacles that separate women from meeting more great guys. It’s is also one of the biggest reasons why things often don’t go beyond a first or a second date. It often happens that men do not call a woman after the first date even when both people liked each other during their first meeting and wanted to see each other again. And that happens because a woman was too shy or too uncomfortable to show her date that she liked him and enjoyed his company. It’s a shame and you need to make sure that you are free of that false belief that there is something wrong with being interested in a guy and flirting with him. There is nothing wrong with it! In fact, it’s fun to do and it’s a compliment to a guy when he sees the signs of your interest and attraction to him.
I, myself, have been on numerous dates during which women would show absolutely no interest in me. Their body language was closed. They would hardly look me in the eye. I really didn’t know what to think. Is she shy? Is she afraid of me? Should we end it right here and right now because she couldn’t wait for this to be over?
I was amazed to find out later from many of those women that they actually liked me and that they were attracted to me. Had those women not contacted me first after our first date, I would have never known that they actually liked me, because during many of those dates I got the impression that the woman I was out with did not like me and she couldn’t wait for our date to be over. I consider myself a man of average intuition and I am confident in my fair ability to recognize female interest, or lack thereof, but if I failed to see a woman’s interest where it was present, it means that many other guys do not recognize a woman’s interest under similar circumstances as well.
Do not allow this to happen. You are given eyes and body that can speak and clearly communicate in subtle but meaningful ways about how you feel about the man that you are out with. Use these tools to convey to the guy what you feel instead of concealing it! A female body language that indicates attraction is very flattering and arousing to a man. Don’t suppress your interest, but be proud of it when you actually like the guy. You don’t have to throw yourself into his hands, but you should show him with your posture, your gestures, your face, and your eyes that you are enjoying his company and are interested in getting to know him better.
9. The First Phone Conversation is Your Actual First Date!
A lot of people, and especially men, treat their first call to a person that they just met as a pure technicality – a brief, plain conversation during which all they need to do is to set up the time and place to meet. By doing this, these people are missing out on a very important step in the interaction. The first phone conversation is very valuable because it can be a great indicator of where things will go later between you and a guy. If you have a great time talking on the phone, laughing, teasing each other, exchanging ideas that you both care about and finding each other’s company interesting on the phone, the great benefit of such a conversation will be two-fold: first, you will already be interested and even attracted to him since you have already enjoyed interacting with him; and second, you have already “broken the ice,” so that your first date will likely be free of that typical awkwardness of the situation where two strangers are meeting each other. This will make things easier and more fun for both of you. You will already be more comfortable with each other when you meet in person because… you are not really strangers anymore. On the other hand, if the first phone conversation doesn’t go very well and if you have nothing to talk about, you will likely not enjoy each other’s company in person either. Therefore, you are probably better off not wasting each other’s time and you should not meet at all. Finding out whether you are interesting to each other requires more than a five-minute conversation. Therefore, I suggest that you have a fairly long first conversation – around 20 minutes or so to get a feel for each other! Of course, that conversation shouldn’t be too long. If you talk on the phone for 2 hours, you will get sick of each other before you even met, and that is something you should certainly avoid. But getting an idea about each other’s personality through a slightly longer conversation before meeting is generally a good idea.
10. Don’t Set Your First Date during Lunch
Daytime first dates are a bad idea for several reasons. First, daytime in itself is not very conducive to romantic interactions and attraction. Even more importantly, the time pressure of lunch time will likely destroy much of the potential for romance between you and the guy. The idea that both of you will probably have to be at work after you meet will be in the back of your mind during the entire time of your date. Instead of being relaxed and enjoying yourself as you normally would be in the evening, you will be thinking about all the things you have done this morning and all the tasks that you are yet to accomplish during that day. This is very distracting to both of you, and it will undermine the potential attraction that could have been developing. Furthermore, a typical one-hour lunch break is simply not long enough for two people to figure out whether or not they like each other. And usually, when people don’t quite figure out if they like each other on their first date, they don’t have the desire to see each other again.
It takes a great first date for two people to want to have a second date with each other. A brief, neutral experience will likely not “cut it” for either you or him. …”
For more information, please learn more about What You Wish You Knew About Men E-book