When You Are a Virgin, but the Girl is Not

guy virginMany guys face this emotional challenge early on in their dating lives before they have had any sexual experience with women and when they are still virgins. They start going out with a girl, they start liking her and develop feelings for her. For one reason or another they assume that the girl is also a virgin.  Then – they find out that she is not as “pure” and “innocent” as they are, and as they thought she would be. She is not a virgin.  In that situation, a typical guy, who doesn’t have any sexual experience and who is still a virgin, finds it really difficult to get used to the idea that the girl is not as “clean” and innocent as he is. It bothers him that they are not “equal” that way, and he often can’t help but be upset by the fact that another guy has touched her before him or that she simply has more sexual experience than he does. The guy tries to be rational. He realizes that he can’t blame the girl for anything (unless she is known to be a total slut who slept around with dozens of guys), and that she really didn’t do anything wrong by simply having had a few dating and sexual experience in the past.  But it still bothers him. He starts “interrogating” the girl, asking her all kinds of invasive questions about her past sex life out of his overwhelming curiosity and jealousy, but this only makes things worse and makes him even angrier and more frustrated – primarily with himself and his inability to conquer his feelings toward the girl’s sexual past and the fact that she is not a virgin like he is, especially if the girl answers his questions.

So, what are the reasons for this frustration?

First, a guy who is a virgin might feel that it’s somewhat unfair that he is “pure” but the girl is not. He might believe that he is giving more than he is receiving when he is a virgin and the girl has already been “used.” Secondly and more importantly, the guy will feel jealous of the fact that the girl who he likes so much has had an intimate experience with another guy, shared some very special moments with someone before she met him, and that for her it would not be as special for her being with him now, as it will be for him to be with her.

This internal battle that the virgin guy might have in this situation is important for him to overcome so he doesn’t ruin an otherwise good situation with the girl that he likes so much and that he can enjoy developing his relationship and sexual intimacy with her. If you are a guy who faces the above challenges, I would like to suggest to you two very effective things that you can do to overcome this problem:

1. Put a positive spin on the fact that the girl is no longer a virgin and has all that sexual experience.

Why? Because it is indeed mostly positive. Her sexual experience will help both of you during the first time that you have sex with her. She might teach you a few things that you wouldn’t have learned from a girl who has never been with a man before. And be assured that it doesn’t help doing it for the first time with a girl who, like you, doesn’t have any experience and doesn’t know what she is doing. It will only make things more difficult for both of you the first time you have sex.

2. Stop idealizing your relationship with her.

You must stop seeking and expecting perfection from every aspect of your dating situation and of the girl you are with. As much as you might like her and be crazy about her, and as much as you might think that she is one of a kind – she is not perfect. Guess what – sooner or later you will realize that just like any other relationship, this dating situation is not perfect either. You will have arguments, fights and other problems. This would sound very cynical, but statistically you will more likely that not break up, and there will many other women in your life after that girl, who was your first sexual partner. This is not a good thing or a bad thing. It is just part of life and part of coming of age for the majority of young men. So, stop worrying or expecting her to be pure and attached.

3. Leave her past where it belongs – in the past.

Leave the girl’s dating and sexual past where it belongs – in the past – and move on. Focus on your present and on the fact that she wants to be with you and you want to be with her.  Perceive your interaction and your initial sexual experience with her as a valuable lesson and an introduction to your sex life, and this mindset will serve you well. Benefit from being with your first sexual partner by learning and gaining an experience of your own.