When You Are a Virgin, but the Girl is Not

guy virginMany guys face this emotional challenge early on in their dating lives before they have had any sexual experience with women and when they are still virgins. They start going out with a girl, they start liking her and develop feelings for her. For one reason or another they assume that the girl is also a virgin.  Then – they find out that she is not as “pure” and “innocent” as they are, and as they thought she would be. She is not a virgin.  In that situation, a typical guy, who doesn’t have any sexual experience and who is still a virgin, finds it really difficult to get used to the idea that the girl is not as “clean” and innocent as he is. It bothers him that they are not “equal” that way, and he often can’t help but be upset by the fact that another guy has touched her before him or that she simply has more sexual experience than he does. The guy tries to be rational. He realizes that he can’t blame the girl for anything (unless she is known to be a total slut who slept around with dozens of guys), and that she really didn’t do anything wrong by simply having had a few dating and sexual experience in the past.  But it still bothers him. He starts “interrogating” the girl, asking her all kinds of invasive questions about her past sex life out of his overwhelming curiosity and jealousy, but this only makes things worse and makes him even angrier and more frustrated – primarily with himself and his inability to conquer his feelings toward the girl’s sexual past and the fact that she is not a virgin like he is, especially if the girl answers his questions.

So, what are the reasons for this frustration?

First, a guy who is a virgin might feel that it’s somewhat unfair that he is “pure” but the girl is not. He might believe that he is giving more than he is receiving when he is a virgin and the girl has already been “used.” Secondly and more importantly, the guy will feel jealous of the fact that the girl who he likes so much has had an intimate experience with another guy, shared some very special moments with someone before she met him, and that for her it would not be as special for her being with him now, as it will be for him to be with her.

This internal battle that the virgin guy might have in this situation is important for him to overcome so he doesn’t ruin an otherwise good situation with the girl that he likes so much and that he can enjoy developing his relationship and sexual intimacy with her. If you are a guy who faces the above challenges, I would like to suggest to you two very effective things that you can do to overcome this problem:

1. Put a positive spin on the fact that the girl is no longer a virgin and has all that sexual experience.

Why? Because it is indeed mostly positive. Her sexual experience will help both of you during the first time that you have sex with her. She might teach you a few things that you wouldn’t have learned from a girl who has never been with a man before. And be assured that it doesn’t help doing it for the first time with a girl who, like you, doesn’t have any experience and doesn’t know what she is doing. It will only make things more difficult for both of you the first time you have sex.

2. Stop idealizing your relationship with her.

You must stop seeking and expecting perfection from every aspect of your dating situation and of the girl you are with. As much as you might like her and be crazy about her, and as much as you might think that she is one of a kind – she is not perfect. Guess what – sooner or later you will realize that just like any other relationship, this dating situation is not perfect either. You will have arguments, fights and other problems. This would sound very cynical, but statistically you will more likely that not break up, and there will many other women in your life after that girl, who was your first sexual partner. This is not a good thing or a bad thing. It is just part of life and part of coming of age for the majority of young men. So, stop worrying or expecting her to be pure and attached.

3. Leave her past where it belongs – in the past.

Leave the girl’s dating and sexual past where it belongs – in the past – and move on. Focus on your present and on the fact that she wants to be with you and you want to be with her.  Perceive your interaction and your initial sexual experience with her as a valuable lesson and an introduction to your sex life, and this mindset will serve you well. Benefit from being with your first sexual partner by learning and gaining an experience of your own.

  • Bex-kun Gida

    I was a virgin before I had sex with my current girlfriend. While we are still dating she told me that she’s not a virgin and because I love her I just accepted it right away because I thought we do not base our love whether we are a virgin or not but after a few months when I open my gf’s messenger and read her old messages with her ex, I was hurt. When she had a relationship with him they were talking about sexual things they even exchange nude pics but my girlfriend didn’t sent a whole body naked just barely half. And their intimate conversations were stabbing me, it really hurts so much.

    What concerns me is even we already talked about that issue is I’m still affected and could not get over it. I’m still thinking about it everytime I’m feeling down. What the heck is happening to me? Haha

  • Gaurang Sheth

    Well i am going through similar feeling but story is different i don seem to get an answer.. Well i am Indian guy 32 years and virgin even though i had affair … i do love sex but since India where marriage is big i never thought of doing it to someone. I was engaged to girl with arrange marriage and slowly started feelings for her, I kind of felt indifferent as she came close to me very fast, she got intimate (without sex) in about 2 weeks. In India its not so common as these have been reasons for decline marriages by girls if boys are fast in this case was girl. I thought since age of her is 29 might be the issue and never bothered. I never expected her to be virgin but she kept saying she is virgin. My problem was when she was with me in my private moment i kind of felt she has been comparing or remanding of things which pissed me off later to be revealed she had 7 years relationship and 6 years extreme sexual past with one Muslim guy(To be noted 5 years after their brackup and they would only meet behind doors for an hour and would go apart yes they contact using phone but not so frequent only for this i thing from what i heard from her myself confused as answers have been changing based on what i said). she says guy dumped him and married someone but her story is just not convening, I cant seem to understand what just happened why did i asked her, but that’s what she made me feel. Even though i would prefer, I dont mind non virgin if they understand it was just mistake but here case is beyond my thoughts. they were never gonna get married. they both were looking out for partners and having an affair. guy revealed that he got married and they stopped. Please guide i dont know how do i feel, i react, what should i do ?

  • Turd

    The double standard is actually there for a reason. From evolutionary perspective, what women are seeking in a man is strength; somebody who is some combination of physically strong, self-assured, able to shape their environment rather than having the environment shape them, socially dominant, and someone who not only has the ability to acquire valuable assets but also the desire to share those assets with his woman. This stems from the fact that historically sex has always been more expensive for women (i.e., they can get pregnant, have to go through nine months of pregnancy, experience potentially life-threatening childbirth, and then have to raise the child once it is born) while a man can simply move on after a romp in the hay; especially back on the African savannah. A pregnant woman or a women with an infant child on the African savannah had a far lower chance of survival if they didn’t have a man to provide for her and her child and protect them from harm. At the end of the day, it’s all about what works to pass on genes.

    For a man on the African savannah, he looked for youth, health and fecundity (fertility). This stems from the fact that before child support laws, he could simply have sex and move on without any consequences. And since passing on your genes is the most important thing, he is attracted to women most able to get pregnant. So a young fertile woman was his best bet. So what do men typically like? Big breasts which are an indication of youth (because old ones sag), long hair which is a sign of health (because malnourished people have brittle hair that breaks off), hourglass figure, high cheek bones, and pouty lips (all signs of high estrogen or fertility). There are numerous other examples too.

    But since sex is expensive for women, she gets to choose. This is why a woman can get almost any guy to have sex with her but men have to work at getting a woman to agree to have sex him. And the high quality woman (in terms of youth, health, and fecundity) also historically wanted a man who was generous and would provide her and her offspring with resources and security. So when a man does commit, he wanted to ensure that the woman he was investing his time and resources in was bearing his own children so that his genes were the one’s being passed on and not other other man’s child.

    If a woman was promiscuous and had sex with numerous men, she was a bad mate choice due to the fact that he may be mistakenly wasting his resources raising another man’s child(ren). Times may have changed in some perspectives but evolution is a long process and these inbred instincts are deeply rooted which is why most men will have sex with a “slutty girl,” but will never marry or commit to her. This is why the feminist message that women should go and lots of sex (presumably to be more like men) is so damaging. It tells men to be skinny jean wearing pussies (the opposite of what women really want) and women to be whores and sluts (who no man will ever commit to).

    And as a quick aside, we both know that if a man and a women who are equally attractive enter a bar and make a bet as to who can get laid first, the woman will always win. She can probably just walk up to a man and say “Wanna fuck me?” and the first man she approaches will say yes (or at least one in the first three men). So when women say that having sex with lots of men is somehow “acting like men,” they are wrong. Men have to work to get sex, women don’t. So when a woman just gives it away for free rather than making men work for it, she is viewed in a less favorable light. Also consider that all people who engage in a lot of casual sex have higher rates of depression and low self-esteem and lower rates of life satisfaction. Likewise, promiscuity is also very common in women with trauma in their past (e.g., rape, molestation, physical and emotional abuse, etc.). So having lots of casual sex it a good indicator that a woman has emotional problems. Not always, but often. Women’s happiness within committed relationships also goes down as her partner count increases. As does her likelihood of getting divorced. So, I think it is a bad idea to encourage women to be promiscuous (or to say her past shouldn’t matter) and to encourage men to date these women. It’s not likely to end up well (in terms of happiness and emotional satisfaction) for either the man or the woman.

  • J well

    I agree with pragmatic featured answer part 2. Just use her for sex and move on. You already think she is used and not good enough for you.
    So just use her for sex and move on. She has already been used for sex by the last guy. So just use her like the last guy did. No big deal if you hurt her feelings.
    I used a non virgin girl, treated her bad afterwards, and that was the best decision I ever made. I wish I could do it to her again.

  • rob lebo

    The question I think is less about the partner’s sexual experience than her attitude toward it. (I’ll just use the female partner as the more sexually experienced in this example.) If she feels that sex is not so important that she doesn’t care if she has it, this might be a problem in the future. If her sexual boundaries are not strong or if her sexual values differ from her partner, then they might be incompatitble. I think it’s not numbers, but attitude, that should be evaluated.

  • Ember Spirit

    Your facts should be checked. Most FIRST time marriages does not end in divorces there is close to 20%-30% chance of it happening, but the people who did divorce in thier first marriage tend to have MULTIPLE divorces which skews up the statistics.

  • Otome

    reply is kinda late but what the heck. I’ve read quite a few of your comments and i 100% agree with you on everything you imply. Waiting for the “one,” the person that you can call your equal and NOT have emotional break downs whenever you talk, look or even think of her is the one that you should marry. Sadly, I’ve kinda fked up. This girl and I started dating about 8 months ago, we were hitting it off so well, to be honest we still are, and after 4 months of dating her we started to become more intimate, talking about more sexual things. Around the 5th month of dating her she told me that she wasn’t a virgin and obviously I’m not one, and it hurts a lot, otherwise i wouldn’t be here. I don’t know how it didn’t come up until the 5th month of dating her, i guess i didn’t ask, i was foolish to think that she was a virgin in the first pace, and i totally blame myself for that. Doesn’t change the fact that i love her very much, she is very dear to me and i cant see that changing. 3 months have passed and it still hurts, it hurts so much that sometimes I’d have to lay down and hold my chest until the pain goes away, but it doesn’t bother me because i think she is “impure” or “un-clean”. But rather, it bothers me that someone has touched her already, they’ve seen her naked and got to do the lewdest things to her, that makes so pissed, I’d want to kill her first (very childish i know) or i regret not meeting her sooner. She is as truthful and loyal as a woman could be and her personality is flawless, not to mention she’s a knockout (of course this is in my opinion) i will not ever dump her, not for anything, and the only reason she broke up with her first was because he cheated on her. the guy doesn’t know how much he fked up to do that to a girl like her, but this was when they both were 18 so i could see why he was dumb af to cheat. I’m going to search until I find a way to stop my childish feelings from destroying the relationship with the girl that I’m madly in love with, and I stumbled upon this site trying to find a way to resolve my childish emotions lol, the site didn’t help at all though… but reading the comments made me really happy to see so much guys going through the same thing I’m going through, makes me feel less “alone” in this situation. But anyways, sorry if i typed my life out mate lol, and thanks (if you ever see this) for the agreeable comments. You know those guys who would say “grow up it’s just sex” or “just get over it”? yeah, those are guys who wouldn’t understand even if their girl cheated on them with 100 men, but you know what’s up, i appreciate people like you.

  • Your frustration is understandable and something I can personally relate to. However, I also know that hating the world and the women is not going to help you in the end and it’s not going your own “bottom line” better. You must not lose hope. Yes, the majority of people, movies, books, restaurants, parties, are crap. Good things, good people and good women are hard to find, but they are out there. Being super dark and cynical will prevent you from giving them and yourself a chance. I urge you to think about it. You are 20 – this is an important crossroad.

  • Kamal Jones

    Imagine meeting that motherfucker

  • Kamal Jones

    Poor guy. I’m fucking crying right now for you. I’m in college, and I have to deal with my roommate and his girlfriend having sex. I’m like a fucking 3rd wheel everyday. Then the girls I like are getting screwed by these jackass footballers and basketballers. I hate this world. Just stay true to yourself. Maybe God will bless you in the afterworld. Maybe… I’m not God.

  • Kamal Jones

    I’m so done with feminists. I’m also done with hoes and loose women. I can’t forgive them. I have tried to, but the thought of them having sex is overwhelming. Why can’t I have a pure first like they did?

  • Kamal Jones

    I wish that I fell in love young and acted on it then. It is a mess in the world now. It’s so bad that the last two girls that I liked actually found someone else while I was still talking to them and got pregnant. Neither of the fathers are going to stick around to even raise the babies and protect the mother of their child. The woman I almost had sex with had a boyfriend at the time. It was that I liked her before she had the guy and she was attracted to me too, but never had any time for a relationship. The guy she’s with is perfect for her though. He’s had sex like her and he can’t sing like I can and she is a singer. I can almost write a book about this shit. This all happened this year, like Goddamn 2016.

  • Kamal Jones

    This world is bullshit Peter. I’m 20 and I almost had sex just once. I also agree with Robert, damn the feminazi’s. They fucked up everything. Like, who the fuck wants to image their girlfriend fucking someone else. It destroys me. absolutely fucking destroys me. They are the literal source for all my pain. If anyone has anything to challenge me with, then fuck you too. This is beyond your degree of intellect. There is no possible way to deal with this unless you stoop down to their dirty little ways. To forgive them? Cause you’ll never forget that she wasn’t a virgin you met. If you can’t honestly get what you want out of life then it is just one big fucking joke and scam. I knew it though. Women can’t control their sex drive. See. Maybe their is a woman alive that is fit for a king like me, but I have been looking in the wrong place. Maybe she isn’t in the US of A. Maybe though. Who the fuck knows?

  • Kamal Jones

    This world is bullshit Peter. I’m 20 and I almost had sex just once. I also agree with Robert, damn the feminazi’s. They fucked up everything. Like, who the fuck wants to image their girlfriend fucking someone else. It destroys me. absolutely fucking destroys me. They are the literal source for all my pain. If anyone has anything to challenge me with, fuck you too. This is beyond your

  • Nothing to be terrified about. It should be super exciting to you and to her. Don’t be afraid to screw up. A girl who likes the guy is not going to leave him because he was too scared and couldn’t perform the first time or the first few times they tried to have sex unless she is clueless, and this happens often. Look at the big pictures. She likes you and you like her. Don’t be afraid to screw up. It’s not going to be a big deal and you will only get better with practice, like with anything else.

  • This is a very common concern. Contrary to popular belief, if the girl also cares about you, your lack of experience is not going to be a big deal to her. In fact, it can be extremely flattering to her to know that she is your first. It doesn’t happen to too many girls. There is no reason to hide the fact that you are inexperienced, bring it up and it will take all the pressure off the situation, and will make the whole thing easier and more fun.

  • Jed Grant

    God, I cam here for the wrong reasons.
    I’m a 22 year old virgin. For the first time, I’m getting close to a girl. I’m terrified of embarrassing myself when we finally become intimate. Because I know people over idealize their first kiss and first.. er, sex. (Wow that sentence failed.) I know that most people have a pretty awkward first time. Which is why I had always hoped my first time would be with someone who DIDN’T matter. But this girl matters and she doesn’t know how inexperienced I really am.

  • Jed Grant

    Honestly bro, my biggest fear isn’t that she’ll be better than me at sex. It’s if I’m just really bad at it.

  • Jed Grant

    Dude, I feel ya. I’m 22, almost 23.
    And I started to think that the problem was that I just never really wanted it that bad.
    But now… it’s different. I’ve met a girl recently. She’s a little younger than me. I don’t know her sexual experience but I’m guessing she has some considering I know for a fact that she’s dated before.
    And now.. it seems she’s interested in me… she’s flat out told me, actually.
    I want her to be my girlfriend. But I’m terrified. I’ve never had sex. Hell, I’ve never kissed a girl. And I’m really excited now but… what if she finds out?

  • Robert Graff

    I waited but eventually gave in and married a person who didn’t, I had to divorce her cheating ass. Then guess what, she wanted me back, why? well she didn’t cheat because of me not being enough. She was just damaged. There is a reason why marriage was created and the reason is because females cannot control their pussy.
    They need to find a man while they are pure and bond to him and him alone. IT IS JUST THE HUMAN NATURE OF FEMALES, THAT IS WHY FEMINISM HAS FAILED AND IS MAKING FEMALES EVEN MORE UNHAPPY. It is your biological duty to attach to one man, not doing so will damage you more than the man. You will have a much harder time finding happiness if you do not. You can take that with a grain of salt ladies but you will regret it sooner or later if you do not take it seriously. I have been with enough women after my divorce to know how much pain their life has caused them my advice comes from what we spoke about and how much they confided in me. Most of the relationships ended because they literally couldn’t trust anyone because their bonding ability was damaged. DONT BELIEVE ME- LOOK IT UP.

  • J well

    Just use the girl for sex and move on to the next one. You don’t want be with her anyways because she is sexually flawed. And honestly not your first choice.And you will never meet a virgin past 14 years old.
    Just use her for sex and don’t care about her feelings. You find her flawed so just treat her like an object and use that body. She is ready and willing, just use that body.
    I mentally abused the non virgin girls after I had sex with them for x amount of months. It’s because I think non virgin girls are garbage and they are disposable. I just move onto the next girl and don’t look back.

  • Jesse Brooks

    Im a 28 year old virgin male, and its beginning to warp my mind. People always say, ‘Dont worry, sex is overrated’ Easy for people that get laid consistently to say. Its like a huge part of my masculine pride is missing. To me its the one thing I need, without sounding weird. A man has needs right? Apparently not for me, im like the dog with a treat dangled in front of his nose. Im above average looking, 6’2 210lbs athletic build, shy but not overly. I try to meet women as often as I can, but i just seem to lack something. Being unwanted for this long is crushing.

  • Joe

    Excellent point. People will just have to learn it the hard way. And you know what? I don’t feel sorry for them. You act like this and get what you get in the end.

  • Joe

    Sexual past history is still a determination where she is marriage material or not. “It’s all in the past so leave it behind” is such cop out reason and with this kind of think, divorce eating will increase and more relationship break ups will occure.

    You people really need read up on the statistics here.

  • Joe

    43% of college girls are virgins so the odds of you still finding is high but you need to lay down your believes once you socialize. This’ll weed out the ones that aren’t virgins since you know you won’t settle for less. Also she/he doesn’t have to be the same age as you nor from the garbage western culture. Point is: there are more people waiting and you should never settle for less than what you deserve.

    Your chances of marriage stability does go up the older you get however this still does not excuse the high percentage of divorce from each sexual partner. You can’t spin this around.

    Regarding your other response, most marriages end un a divorce because people dont wait! Shocker i know. They arent relationship/marriage material. Im not saying everyone should wait until marriage to have sex. But it SHOULD be with your future spouse. Getting engaged is when this talk should be taken place.

  • Pragmatic

    In the first place probably 40% of the girls out there would never marry a guy unless they have sex with him before. For testing purposes. Even if everyone waits until marriage, it wouldn’t work because most marriages end up in a divorce. You seem to have a fantasy about marriages being some sort of insurance for being with the right person.

  • PradeepA

    Don’t feel too bad, you’re still young even if it doesn’t feel that way.

    I know guys over 30 who have never kissed a woman, but then I don’t think they are trying much. Women come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and dispositions but the one thing I’ve noticed that they all have in common is that they demand some level of effort. If your want to just opt out they make that part easy for you.

    I think your desires are normal, and common among men. If you don’t like the experiences gaps, I guess you could “fake it till you make it” is your imagination good enough to actually believe you’re more experienced than you are?

  • Fayde

    unless you cheat on her or something… boom.

  • Jillier Dela Cruz

    I recommend going for Eastern European women or Asian women

  • It’s not right or wrong. It’s a personal choice, and if it’s that important to you that the woman you are with is a virgin, then you should follow that. It’s just unfortunate if it stands between two people that would otherwise be a great match for each other. Unless you expect a woman to be a virgin for certain religious reasons, I don’t see why her not being a virgin is a deal breaker.

  • CAl Gond

    Why is it wrong for a virgin man to demand a virgin bride?

  • CAl Gond

    EXACTLY. Women AINT PURE AND CLEAN. In this day and age, the men are the pure virgins.

  • CAl Gond

    ^But they guilt trip us for our wants 🙁 y is it wrong for a virgin to demand a virgin?

  • CAl Gond

    But were u and ur gf both virgins when u waited out for eachother?
    Cuz if not u dont understand the pain and *frustration*.

  • CAl Gond

    Im a virgin and idk y im still hoping. Its hard and frustrating knowing all these shameless ppl treat sex is casually.

  • CAl Gond

    EXACTLY. Women AINT PURE AND CLEAN. In this day and age, the men are the pure virgins.

  • CAl Gond

    U shudnt have chosen a non-virgin. Y wud u do that?

  • CAl Gond

    If Im a virgin why is it wrong that I demand a virgin girlfriend? I thought society believes in equality now.

  • CAl Gond

    See? This is some fucking BS. I am waiting out for the right one and there are less and less virgin girls each year so chances of finding the right one get lower but I SHOULDNT have to settle for a dirty non-virgin.

    Why cant everybody wait till they’re married dammit.

  • Pragmatic

    Since this article is about virgin guys with non-virgin girls I guess your proposal is the guy to drop the girl and find a virgin. Well, yes, I agree that would solve this problem. But how easy is that going to be? If you were young you could have some hope. But if you are over 21 years old that will be a burden.
    From a statistical point of view your chances of success rise all the way up if you lost your virginity and then you look for “that” girl you will marry. That way you stay at the same level of most girls out there. Neither (you or her) is virgin.

  • AriD2385

    There’s a reason for the phrase, “Pride comes before a fall.” Good job on your principledness, but life has a cruel way of humbling those who think they are above the possibility of falling. You sound very much like the tax collector who stood praying and thanking God that he wasn’t like that sinner over there. And God wasn’t impressed.

    Luke 18:10-14 New International Version (NIV)

    10 “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11 The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. 12 I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’

    13 “But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’

    14 “I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”

  • First, I think you should stop comparing yourself to where you think you should be and not worry about what others will think. Focus on how you feel and what you need. Being a virgin is not some kind of permanent mark on you. It will be gone as soon as you have sex. I agree that it will probably be more fun when your first time is special. If you meet someone you really like and the feeling is mutual and you do it when the time and place are right, this will make your first experience special, regardless of how long that relationship will last.

  • Jo

    I’m 23, male, and a virgin with zero experience when it comes to real sex or intimacy with a partner. I don’t like the idea of my first serious relationship, where someone would actually want to fuck me, being with someone with more experience than me. I feel like I should have lost it earlier in my teens, with someone else who was just as clueless as me.

    Part of me knows this is irrational, or some messed up ego thing. Like I’d be intimated, or insulted if a woman looked down on me for being less experienced. That its cute or funny that I’m a virgin – I don’t like that. I know people like me can be a turn off, and many girls want guys with experience, some guys lie about it just to get over that first bump. Maybe it’s just from my lack of dating experience or relationships.

    But for some reason I feel my first time should be special. It’s not just about P in V, but even the kissing, foreplay. I don’t want the first woman to see me naked and be intimate being a cheap prostitute, or a hook up. I want someone in a trusted/loving relationship over a fair amount of time to develop a connection. I don’t want there to be a huge gap in sexual experience, and I don’t want to have to hide my virginity, or feel patronized and intimidated. Maybe I just need to date around.

  • Eric

    Nope. I only slept with my wife. I dont want to “understand” the lives of thee other losers you speak of. They should have only slept with someone they were going to marry. If they couldnt do that there is something wrong with them as much as these people try to themselves there isnt anything wrong with them

  • Eric

    how convenient for her and excusing the fact that she is less than you and that she should be thankful you are even giving her a chance

  • Eric

    no ben john. it is not “equal”. It means I am better if I have remained clean and she hasnt. at least it isnt hypocritcal. She should feel honored she is with someone clean and principled like me. But my wife’s first time was with me too so i consider us better than other couples. This generation has too many divorces and skanks meeting each other and pretending that they can be tied to each other when their history proves otherwise.

  • Eric

    I know that as a married man, I would know that the girl is lesser than me if she slept around while i didnt because I know I stayed a virgin because I feel only one woman who is good enough should ever touch my body. I have dated woman that slept with other men and to me that shows they are lesser than me. Knowing my history as someone with staunch pride in keeping my sexual history to 1, woman have tried and realized they cant even come close to breaking me, Its easy to get laid. Pride and principles on the other hand is really what life is about

  • Well, said. I couldn’t agree more. Unless the woman has done something extreme that grosses you out and is incompatible with your fundamental morals, it’s best to leave it in the past and focus on the present. And calling someone dirty or a slut just because she is not a virgin is ridiculous.

  • ben john

    you just said you suck inbed. that your gf pussy should belong to you, even since before you. that youre a retarded a-hole. take that as wakeup call and turn around and make your life and your girls life about being positive and fun and equal. dont waste your life about being neagtive and controlling. youre doing this to yourself too. its self-explanatory. its more fun to have fun and being happy with your girl.

  • ben john

    the nature of the article and the comments express about being ”pure and clean” and the disgust at the thoughs of a girl already had sex with other men would’ve been retarded 40 years ago. its hard being respectful toward such disgusting views about women being sluts if they’re not virgins. inquiring to such specifics of your gf past is weird. shes with you now so should ask questions about her sex life right now. is she happy? what can you do to better yourself and make her more happy and vice-versa of course. i dont know how you can feel a man ignoring her right now but being obsseded with what other guys did with her. whatever they did, she left that for you.

  • lola61

    hi there i’d say i’m a female “unicorn”.
    let me give you a lil perspective. i hope it’ll help long term and that it isn’t taken the wrong way. it’s just coming from what I understand of your situation, and my own view on life.
    – you have some high expectations because of your high sensitivity/insecurity. I get that, it’s all very fundamental where you’re coming from. we don’t want pain and a miserable life.
    i believe a change in your perspective and expectations could be beneficial. some changes :
    1. don’t generalize women so much. don’t place them as entirely the blame. deconstruct your idea of it’s all women, that there’s no one for you out there, and that lots of sex is unclean/wrong. sex is biological. barely any species are monogamous. but that doesn’t mean humans can’t be. even if she’s had sex, that doesn’t mean sex with you isn’t less or being compared to her others, and it doesn’t mean she can’t be exclusive with you from there on. there are 7 billion people on this planet. all with complex lives and levels of values to things. so, all sorts of compatible people exist. they’re soulmates. and sometimes, they are compatible with you in surprising ways. surprising as in, they don’t fit into your expectation of innocence and what you think it would be like.
    2. don’t be so ruled by your fear, you think you’ll feel so miserable but you haven’t given it a try, from my understanding. you’re setting yourself up.
    3. maybe deconstruct your concept of genders and age. age of adults over 18 though!! it’s okay that you’re 36, it’s okay you’re a virgin. it’s not too late. maybe view people more so as souls, beings in a physical body. maybe even deconstruct your need for sex and your stigma around it. maybe seek out more strictly romantic/asexual relationships. maybe even embrace your virginity. and become a monk or a priest?
    4. be patient with partners and yourself. there is the right one out there you might have a lot of baggage from this. it’ll take lots of communication and patience when transitioning from your insecurities.
    5. work on yourself, your confidence, your trust issues. maybe seek professional advice? maybe talk more with other virgins, with experienced people, with people who sleep around, with people who are in open relationships, with 50 years+ married couples. all to gain more perspective and reality.
    6. maybe promote to people the values of a more meaningful sex life, (abstinence, save until marriage, positive views on sex). more meaningful positive sex in society will start with the way its educated to the next generation.
    – ultimately I think you really want sex though, so some of these might be really hard to imagine, or not the best approach. i’d say give it a try. but in reality, a complete 180 might be necessary of you. and such a change, doesnt have to be a negative thing. 🙂

  • jess

    I’m a girl and I feel this way about my guy.. We waited a year and I didn’t think i’d feel this way because he made all his exes sound like terrible sluts who hurt him and i thought i was helping him get over it but now that he took my v-card i feel like even though it meant a lot to him it meant more for me and i just feel like all his feeling and everything have been used up on his past girls. I don’t think anyone wants something important to them to feel wasted… I’ve tried telling him how i feel but he says there’s nothing he can do about it and i followed all the advice above and nothing helps(

  • Steve

    I read this article and had these emotional issues even though I was not a virgin. It was that she was more experienced for a longer period for me. I can honestly say that after 10 years of being married to her I am absolutely NOT over it. However, I have, through personal reflection, discovered where my emotional connections to the issue stem from and why it’s easy for us men to get hung up on this. Especially if you are a virgin. Men are more sensitive these days and that is not bad. In fact that is what women have been wanting from us. The problem is that we put the women in question up on a pedestal as an object of worship. We create a false image of her as PERFECT and PURE. After all this is what we want them to be. This happens before we fully realize what their past actions truly mean to us. This part is our fault because we are creating a false image of them. An image that is just impossible as everyone is flawed. We want them to be perfection and what we imagine them to be but they are different and not like us. We call those unicorns they don’t exist and if you find one capture it so we can study it please. Like I said I am NOT over it though but I have managed 10 years of marriage and I can say that I do love my wife. I still want her to be perfect but she can’t be. Destroy the image of her! When you look at her instead of seeing the idol you so much worship make yourself see her as a slut or a imperfect damaged good. Before women yell at me hear me out. Once you destroy that image of her start to build a new relationship with that new image of her. It is not that we can’t learn to love a woman who is already damaged its that we cannot accept that our perfect being is imperfect. I once dated a girl who was a stripper and I knew she was imperfect. I didn’t put her up on a pedestal because I knew she couldn’t go up there. Why didn’t that bother me like this relationship does? Destroy that image of her! Hate her and be angry at her for a while for lying to you! Then start learning who she is and see her as a new person. If you don’t like who she is after that then it’s time to move on but don’t continue to keep this false image you created. I agree it isn’t fair don’t get me wrong. I too wish I could have a unicorn of my own but they just don’t exist.

  • Robert Graff

    women judge men based on their past just as much, men get judged in every aspect. So I take it that you are female. Whats good for the goose is good for the gander.

  • Robert Graff

    I would ask you to refrain from insulting or inciting fellow readers or people in general.

    The internet is an uncensored environment for a very good reason.

    You or someone who has read what I typed to him apparently disagrees with using female tactics to teach them important lessons.

    Mental and emotional tactics work better to teach females lessons they use them all of the time, its called manipulation. Why should she get away with the psychological and physical abuse she is inflicting, because she doesn’t have a penis?

    Who in this discussion have I insulted as an individual?
    She lied to him and stole something he believed to be of value.
    What she stole by way of untruthfulness he cannot regain.
    I have no control over what actions he performs.

    I apologize only for letting what she did to my fellow man get to me and responding in mostly caps to gain notice, and for using language some people find to be ignorant also to gain attention to the topic.

  • Robert Graff

    lol, common share your unicorn….lol. I am kidding. Glad you two are happy now reward her for being a good girl. Also, if she becomes a bad girl, spank her.

  • Steve

    I kind of agree…there is not a lot of room between slept with a few guys and a slut. She’s either a slut or she isn’t, Feminism wants to castrate a man for looking for a virgin, and try to trick him into being with, wanting, or marrying a slut. The thing is, ferminism is about promoting women’s rights and not men’s rights. So these weak guys, who need someone on their side, get taken advantage of by feminists. Never settle, be a bigger man, and if she isn’t a virgin, just walk away and find what you want, and if you aren’t finding what you want then go look for her, because there are good girls out there. I’m living proof, I waited and waited ….yeh, I waited some more…..then one day BAM! I found her and now we are getting married. And no Robert, you cannot have her contact info 😛

  • Leosp

    Really true…

  • Robert Graff

    drop her period fuck her tell her to fuck off.

  • Robert Graff

    Don’t trust that. Make her tell you in front of him. let him know but dont give him a chance to talk to her before. their faces will tell you.

  • Robert Graff

    if that is your only worry study practice get better and make her orgasm until she cannot think enough to speak till she is fucking brain dead with serotonin and dopamine. Get her more dick high just remember you cannot let her know it a competition to you.

  • Robert Graff

    You don’t have to be first to be best, but they out number us so all men deserve to be first.

  • Robert Graff

    society made it fucking matter and programmed men to think that way and women also. That’s why sluts lie to virgins.

  • Robert Graff

    move on don’t be needy.

  • Robert Graff

    Adults don’t need to be an infected puss ball to be mature.

  • Robert Graff

    Apparently remaining abstinent is something that women cant do or do better, OH MY GOD. WHO KNEW. oh yeah society YEARS ago.

  • Robert Graff

    And the crowd goes wild!!!

  • Robert Graff

    You out number us, we have the advantage and now feminism is making you our box of candy, its nasty candy but that’s what society gave us men.

  • Robert Graff

    HEY listen to this guy he is more PC than me.

  • Robert Graff

    You know nothing. They have little value to begin with. They know that and use it while they have it. Its a fucking game to them. UNTIL THEY LOSE. I agree I would love to see life and women like that again, BUT YOU BELIEVE IN LIES.

  • Dear Robert, we encourage productive, respectful discussion on here. While I appreciate the passion with which you express your opinion. I would ask you to refrain from insulting or inciting fellow readers or people in general. Thank you in advance.

  • Robert Graff

    yes they are greedy. Its all about them and their VAGINA and their CLIT and their emotions and their hormones . DON’T PLAY THEIR GAME PLAY YOUR FUCKING GAME AND MAKE IT INTERESTING.

    IGNORE THEM IN A SPECIAL WAY WHILE YOU BUILD YOURSELF UP. THEY WILL WANT YOU MORE.

  • Robert Graff

    She is a liar, she lied to you about an important to you question. Liars cheat PERIOD. FUCKING DROP HER NASTY ASS IN PUBLIC. SHAME THE FUCK OUT OF HER. BETTER YET IF YOU KNOW SOME GIRLS THAT DON’T LIKE HER GET THEM TO SHAME HER YOU JUST DROP HER ASS. UNLESS SHE WILL BEG FOR YOUR FORGIVENESS, IF SHE TRIES TO USE SEX TO BEG DROP HER AFTERWARD AND TELL HER THAT’S WHY YOU DID IT. WOMEN DO THE KIND OF SHIT I JUST SAID SO DON’T FEEL BAD FOR THEM.

    THEIR EMOTIONS ARE NOT BASED ON HONOR LIKE OURS. THEY LIVE BY USING.

  • Robert Graff

    Men are not fucking ‘experiences’ WTF is wrong with you women today. We are not your fucking dildos to be picked from a line up and crammed fast and hard up your nasty snatches. OOOOhh baskin robins I cant decide i want them all in me. WTF. Stop making excuses for women letting their fucking hormonally controlled lack of real emotions make the decisions for them.

  • Robert Graff

    Good men are not to accept whores. Drop her nasty ass. and fuck more girls if she loves you she will chase the fuck out of you. Do not cheat tell her you deserve a chance to improve your experience outside of her influence. And if she every wants another chance shell wait completely on you. Dont worry the odds of a whore not taking a dick are very low. JUST MOVE ON.

  • Robert Graff

    Your lie was in fear of rejection for something no one should be rejected for. Hers was to cover her slutty ass and get what she wanted a virgin. My ex wife was a virgin reaper. Kick her ass to the curb and find a fresher fish.

  • Robert Graff

    If you are a virgin you do not want to fix her you are more than likely not ready.

  • Robert Graff

    Women owe you absolute truth if they want you. AT 36 you have earned nothing less than a virgin.

  • Robert Graff

    Its written By a woman telling men what to expect from women its wrong period. They don’t get to fucking tell us what we want . They sure as hell tell men what they want. SO we have equal if not more right to what we expect from them.

  • Robert Graff

    You need to search in the correct places. ALL GIRLS OUTSIDE OF PARTICULAR CULTURAL ZONES ARE FUCKING MANIPULATIVE LIARS WHO ARE HORNY AS HELL AND WANT ALL OF YOUR TIME AND MONEY THEY WILL SUCK OUT YOUR FUCKING SOUL. AND MOVE TO THE NEXT WALLET WITH A DICK ATTACHED.

  • Robert Graff

    I truly hope you find her. If you do please send me a photo of you two together and I swear I will have a plaque made in your honor.

  • Robert Graff

    There is not a LOT of space. If they have fucked one guy that they were not head over hills in love with. There is no room.

  • Robert Graff

    give me her contact info i will test her for you.

    this is a trick don’t do it.

  • Robert Graff

    Toughen up women don’t want sensitive that’s a lie. Start working out if you don’t and when you can smack your dick with a hammer your ready for the arena.

    I WAS YOU. BUT I GAVE UP WHEN I MET SOMEONE WHO I THOUGHT WANTED ME FOR LIFE ‘ FUCK THAT SHIT ‘ I HAD A NERVOUS BREAK DOWN DUE TO THE LIES. Real men know when to smack that ass. And when to say shut the fuck up woman. Be a man and know your role. before your nuts rot off. FYI: do everything you can to desensitize before your first time. Then tear that ass up she will love you for it just start out slow.

  • Robert Graff

    OK, look in the mirror and tell your self you are the alpha male she wants you. She is not with him for good reason. Practice desensitizing your penis especially the rim of the glans. look up penis exercise yeah its a real thing. wrap the shaft in a cloth with water which is the hottest you can without actually burning your self do this a few times. And if your healthy enough look into supplements. The first time remain calm and in control do not rush. learn as much about her body as possible.

  • Robert Graff

    More info about the bad experience is needed to make that decision. If she was ‘ A TRUE RAPE VICTIM’ which a lot are fakers for attention, you cannot rightly hold that against her but if she was not tested after and hid her rape she needs to be tested and she needs to show you the paper work.

  • Robert Graff

    simple, their hormones rule them, that’s why we used to have to control them, but it got to where they preferred being a whore, to having strong men who will love them, so now they have it their way. Don’t you just love what they have done with the society we built for them. If you don’t find one this year. Just start fucking I hope you have been studying. If not there is more than enough info online I assure you. Just make sure to stay away from feminazi bullshit sites.

  • Robert Graff

    Truth Number One: Unless the man is some kind of fucking weirdo. Just the thought of you coming into physical sexual contact with another man will fucking disgust him. YOU will be UNCLEAN to him. Condoms don’t matter. Women having sex for fun is disgusting to the male mind if it happened before him. Also do not lie to him. If he ask before y’all get serious you better fucking tell him for your own good. A mans love can quickly turn into passionate hatred for a dishonest slut. See sex is a biological war when you have had more than one partner.

  • Leosp

    I think the same way as you. But……. in today world it’s really difficult to find that woman. I can’t tell you that 90% of all women have done it. I’m in your same position, but “peter name” is right in a lot of ways. Women today wants to think like the average men does, so they want to sleep around with a lot of guys. For them this is “living”, eventhough I always though living was something entirely different. Anyway, I recommend you to be carefull with women. By my own experience, women can be really judgemental about your position. A lot of women and I mean the majority of them consider than a man that hasn’t a lot of sexual experience or at least hasn’t slept with one girl, is not masculine. I recommend try it slowly. If a women doesn’t understand it, then she doesn’t deserve it. Think it in this way. You are giving to her more than one thing. So she need to deserve it, and what I mean is that she has to understand how lucky she is. Today is really complicated to find a girl that understand that.

  • K2014

    You know sometimes people hate on religion but the reason religion has certain values and rules is to benefit everyone which is great like holding on for sex after a marriage which I am practicing now.See what has happened to society now I’m not a religious freak or anything but women dating for fun not with the intention of marriage ,acting like men and sleeping around now there are stds AIDS,orphaned kids it just shows like women or even men arnt meant to be sleeping around sex is meant to be sacred and only after marriage otherwise leaves things like this men don’t feel right being second best I mean iv fallen for lots of girls and it hurts right in the tummy when u find out they have had someone else before guys as much as you Believe there is no other girl out there is just hold on and wait for her.It wil happen guys there are lots of girls out there.Even bro who is 36 trust me they are

  • peter name

    problem is typical dating past for me at 36 is about 20 men, I cant deal with that ! I just cant ! could you ?? all those men yuk how could I even attempt to love someone like that ??

  • peter name

    yeah imagin if your like me and 36 if I ever want a girlfriend theres roughly 20 men that have nailed her every way possible, that’s 20 men who shes layed there with professing her love to all them ! while I was getting rejected miserable and alone YUK no way ! its a very sad day and age for sensitive men ! very very sad !!!

  • peter name

    there isn’t women never miss out they have it easy women with l;ow self esteem have no problem getting loads of men ! I thought the same as you, there must be women who are caring and don’t sleep around !! THERE ARE NOT ! sex is rediculusly easy for women, so is love, they get it in bucket loads, they get so much and its so easy they even get annoyed at how easy it is and actually start to get annoyed when men come onto them , that’s how much attention women get, there is no way in hell there is women missing out ! no way in hell ! you’ve already left it too late for a virgin, you have to sleep with some women otherwise 2 things will happen ,1 a woman wownt want you because your not experienced enough and she will feel cheap !! 2 you wownt want a women whos been sleeping around for that long it will tear you to pieces, it will ruin your life and the worst thing is you either let someone you love go because you cant deal with the pain and are miserable or you live with her in misery ! its a tough life for men right now and it wownt get any easier waiting for a nice innocent girl, they don’t exist they’ve all been taken by alpha males ! if you don’t try your damdest to be alpha male your gonna be very very miserable ! you might even be like me and have to die alone having never experienced any love sex or any niceness from women at all ! trust me this is a reality for lots of men !

  • peter name

    I don’t think I can ever have a girlfriend now, I’m a 36 year old virgin, the thought of a woman my age sleeping with over 20 men just turns me sick to the stomach ! its really sad, because I was nice and sensitive when I was young my choice is between misery, loanliness, frustration and dying alone, or jealousy resentment, contempt, self hate, frustration and misery !! all because I was sensitive, dam this world !! why is it so easy for women and so hard for men

  • chillyblizzard

    Cool, although I was merely referring to the committed relationships that didn’t work out in the end. True, I think it’s dumb of girls to fall for the obvious heart-breakers and that they’re naive to think that the guy is gonna suddenly change when they’re with him.

  • J. Brody

    @AaronBellow You sound like a guy that’s used to settling for second best. In a man’s world there is only one rule, never be #2.

  • Steve

    dump her and move on.

  • Steve

    Meh. If a girl is stupid enough to have sex with “the guy that slept around with every girl in your town” then would you want to be with that girl? Sounds like she’s trailer trash and you are wasting your time chasing a slut like that, much better off looking for a girl with some class and sophistication. I mean, if she’s gonna open her legs that easily what is she gonna do when you leave the room? She couldn’t be trusted and you are better off having higher standards. FYI…I found a good girl. Keep looking chillyblizzard. They aren’t all rejects 🙂

  • chillyblizzard

    My self-esteem was too low in school. Guess I missed out. Just kidding. I know there’s a woman out there in my exact situation, and it’s gonna be great when I meet her.

  • chillyblizzard

    I totally relate to this.

  • chillyblizzard

    Bnonamous you have no idea what you’re talking about. lol The way you reply to all these comments with the same reply every time causes me to think that you just say that so as to not be bitter about your own experiences.

  • chillyblizzard

    I strong agree on all the points except the first. If you have a girlfriend you really love, it can be hard to avoid sex. We don’t know our future. A lot of girls apparently get “taken advantage of” right out of the gate, too, or so they claim.

    As a fellow virgin though I totally get how fucking frustrating it is that there’s always some guy before us, who probably slept around with every girl in his town. Sigh.

  • I think if you really like her, you should create one good experience for her after the other to make her forget all about that bad stuff in the past. A combination of time and your efforts should make it happen gradually.

  • Crescent Sun

    These are all valid points, and I have been using them util now. However, what should I do when the girl’s first experience wasn’t a good one, and she won’t stop talking about it and/or the guy she’s done it with? I feel like every time I hear her talk about that stuff, my heart breaks a little more…

  • Maybe it could bean opportunity for you to learn from her and benefit from her experience.

  • a-a-ron

    i think that more then anything im slightly intimidated by the fact that she has had sex and im sort of insecure about my abilities knowing that she has already been with someone before and I would be completely new to it.

  • wwwdotzdotz

    hi pracitcath i am 20 this year and i would like to tell u something about myself a little firstly i dont get to interact much with women because i am in the mechanical course as well as an introvert likes anime and stuff basically a nerd now(nvr dated before)

    recently few months ago i have suddenly developed this interest about virginity now i am a old school guy and i might not be the best guy out there in terms of looks and attitude but…when i want to have sex with a girl that would mean i want to be with her i see her as a future wife alr no doubt about that i even told my friends about this as well if something were to happen and messed this up it would be her.

    now as to why it would be her it would be i wont cheat firstly when in relationship secondly my friends who were in a relationship told me this girls move on very quickly when they see other guys as more reliable or whatever they will just leave it a true story my friend gave me he was in a relationship and because of work to spend with his girlfriends he didnt hang out with her much soon she found someone that gives her that attention and left him they even dated for quite a bit!

    now look this is just totally unfair for my friend there hes a kind and good guy because hes working to get the money so they would spent time and money for his girl she left him in the midst of that its unfair isnt it?

    back to topic like u said before not to dwell in her past but let me ask u this in the first place why would u have sex with that guy?whats your excuse??media,friends,pestering of sex from X boyfriend,using sex to keep them in a relationship or experience now whatever they do i cant interfere its their life its what they do before i meet them but cant u think of it this way for guys we have nothing to lose in sex but for ladies their v card is like their pride why would they throw it away like this?i know from what happen around my friend their gf have sex with them few months later broke up and move on its like their way of thinking is so simple and then expect us to understand?when we get mad or disappointed to find out otherwise?we are not supposed to be mad over this?its fair for us?

    now my way of thinking is wrong all my friends told me that but i dont think its 100%wrong its like u suffer for your own consequences u want to have sex with your previous partner only to find out he doesnt want u or u lose interest with him
    and then move on to lets say future boyfriend only to be disappointed in what u told them i have even talked to my girl friends about this online and they told me well next time when u find someone u truly love u wont care about this i think in my case its a probably only i will still think about it and talked to her about it and most probably flare up and scold her for being dumb

    she wants to have sex because of what ever reason she must be prepared to face the consequences of how others would look at her be it family,future relationship or friends why cant she just decline the sex?like i know people are open minded nowadays but dont u think this is too open minded?having your first time with someone and then realised things didnt go as plan?

    i would seriously be really disappointed and lash out at her for doing that if i found out about that not only because i am disappointed but also because i love her i would have very mixed feelings at that point of time i would want to leave her straight away and felt very disgusted for dating a piece of shit for not valuing herself properly but also at the same time would want her to talk it out and help me get over it

    my friends have told me to think differently telling me nowadays are not like last time one of my friend told me however she wants to be punished is decided by god not u u dont have the right to humiliate her and make her feel bad any more then she might alr have she might have regretted her actions long ago but i still feel a really really strong urge to make her feel horrible and terrible about it but then again if i were to say something wrong and make her get really mad and think of breaking up…it would be sad

    on top of that girls get over relationship so fast give them couple weeks BAM they are with their new bf while u are suffering with the lost of her girls get to have guys so easily with their body,looks while guys have to use like brain,heart put in so much just to be with a girl only to know she alr slept with some other guys

    like i said before i know my way of thinking is not right but neither is it completely wrong is there any ways u can help me get over it?please please help

  • I respect your approach. As long as ypu know that bit defining special woman as the one who has never had sex ypu significantly reduce the pool of potential partners significantly.

  • Steve

    I think I’d rather be on my own than be second best, or third, tenth, or however many “relationships,” as you so quaintly put it, that a girl might have had before me. I like to think that there is one special girl out there for me, maybe that is naive and unrealistic, but I’d rather be naive and unrealistic than settle. At least my girl will know she is special….if I ever find her.

  • There is a LOT of space between being a virgin and being a slut. Having slept with a few guys or having a few relationships before meeting you does not make a girl a slut, unless of course you have certain religious convictions that make any non-virgin woman who is not married a slut.

  • Steve

    1. I don’t think you can put a positive spin on a girl who isn’t a virgin, it just means she’s a slut.
    2. Agreed, no relationship is perfect, but that’s like small things, this seems like a big thing.
    3. If a girl isn’t a virgin, you should put her in your past, go find the right girl – the one that waited for you

  • Absolutely. For better or for worse, overcoming emotional issues, pain, jealousy, and other internal conflicts takes time, and even if the guy succeeds at getting over this, it will necessarily take time.

  • Pragmatic

    Totally agree. But I think someone who’s in this situation trying to make a decision should put in perspective this possibility. And then, having that in mind, choose whether he stays trying to overcome those thoughts, or just leaves. Staying could mean years of suffering and effort. If the things doesn’t end well it would bring a lot of regret. That’s why I think this should be evaluated at least.

  • that’s a good question, but then again – every type of love involves the risk of break up. It’s just part of love and part of life. It can happen at any time – from few dates to decades. I sometimes run into people who divorce after being together for 30 or more years… hard to understand, especially when they only thing they say is “we grew apart”. Is it the same as being sick of each other?

  • Pragmatic

    Then the more in love you are the less the chance you will be able to manage this. If the guy in this situation takes into consideration how likely it is this relationship ends up in a breakup, he will realize it’s not worth the suffering. What if after suffering a year she leaves him? It’s a real possibility.

  • The last point is very important. Ironically, the more you are in love and the more you care about a girl, the harder it is to accept her past, and at the same time – the harder it is to leave despite that very part that you find so hard to accept.

  • Pragmatic

    Regarding the number, I personally agree it isn’t the same one, ten or a hundred. The number could be a sign of something more, or not. It´s really hard to make a statement there. A girl can have a few sexual encounters and yet thous could have been really crazy and out of control. Or a girl can have many but yet being way more mindful and controlled. The number could give a wrong impression I guess. And in the other hand if it’s all about drawing the line. Some guys could just chose to draw the line between 0 and 1, thus justifying they want a virgin girl.

    About the other point I asume the guy is in love. I asume it isn’t easy to stay and it isn’t easy to leave. And in that scenario I think the best way out is the one I proposed before. Not easy though.

  • Thanks for your questions.
    1. I personally do think that numbers matter (like in many other things moderation is not the same as extreme. Having a few sex partners or a few relationships is not he same as having many prior sexual partners. A guy has more reasons to worry or be upset about a girl’s sexual past, if it was not a “typical” dating past but the past of someone who was either easy or reckless with her body, emotions… The line will be different for every guy of course so it’s up to each one to find that line.

    2. That’s an interesting advice, and I think it can be quite useful, except if the guy insists on having his first time with that very girl because he is so in love with her. I will get this comment featured, as this is an important point.

  • Pragmatic

    I don’t disagree a hundred percent with this article. Yet, I have some objections:

    1. At first glance your position is “not to blame the girl” but then, all of a suden, you wrote “unless she is known to be a total slut who slept around with dozens of guys”. What’s the difference? Many guys in this situation would blame the girl because of her sexual past (at some degree at least). You are drawing the line further away, but it’s the same line anyway. Do the number count? How much is too much?

    2. I think there is one tip missing, even when someone else commented something along the lines: why not simply sleeping with this girl and then move on? If I had to give an advice that would be: have your first time, enjoy it, and then move on. Next time you won’t be able to say I’m a virgin and she’s not. Maybe you can’t break up after having sex, and you stay together, and you have a nice relationship (which would be great also). But please don’t stay in a situation where you linger in suffering about this, torturing yourself. It’s a waste of time.

  • Amante

    @practicalh I need someone to talk…
    I have a girl and I really love her soo much than you can imagine… I knew she has a over 2years relationship with someone,, I’ve known her since high school …I know how she act and knows how she manage relationship,,, that when she loves someone she’ll give everything… But I didn’t expect her til now that she told me ,,, she confessed since I’ve been courting her over 2years..I even got rejected one’s but didn’t surrender nor give up my love for her.. I knew she’s been broken hearted over the years and I just wanna love her, marry her and make her feel safe with me.. We’ve been in a state for a year now ,,that we are in good mutual understanding.. Loving each other’s exchanging sweet words… The reason I got rejected is that she didn’t know before that I have a crush on her back in high school.. We’ve Never had a word together cause I’m a shy type guy and she’s somewhat one of the top class sections…now that she confessed to me,,for what we’ve dated and talk a lot everyday… I decided that even though she said she’s had an experienced already… I tried to compare my self cause I did had one to.. But just One..but then over my philosophy I don’t know why I am so perfectionist ,,that I want a girl that is Virgin.. And I think isn’t that fare enough cause we’ve both had experienced??? But there is a side of me that yes this time I’ll accept the fact that I need to change my perception about Love and virginity… Cause I do love her but there is also a side of me of being disappointed… Caused I assumed that she still is… I hate my self but when I talk her today.. It doesn’t change the way I feel for her.. I love her… I want to get over with,, in this dissapointed feeling.. ?

  • TAtAy

    My girlfriend (21yrs) was ‘open’ at the start of our relationship and told me she only had longterm relationships before.I (24yrs)lied and said I was not a virgin. I wanted to be with an experienced woman. After 4 months of the relationship and after sex I told her the truth. She was really happy. A year into the relationship she accidentally revealed to me that she had one night stands at a holiday where she told me before that she didn’t. She said “you only live once( YOLO)” as her reason. The revelation of the lie hurt me, but the fact I’m a hypocrite calmed me after some weeks. However now I feel jealous and regretful. I regret choosing not have sex with the girls I got in bed with in uni.I feel like a loser compared to her.she’s been with 10 men and I only 1 woman. Weird enough it actually hurts that I’ve found the woman of my dreams on first try and lost my chance to have the one night stands experience . her saying YOLO keeps floating in my head making me angry. She keeps telling me its not a big deal. But its annoying she can say it because she has experienced it. I feel like I will have to call her to talk to our future kids about sex.

  • Thanks. It took me a while to realize it, but I appreciate your pointing it out.

  • Hi, Elliot. What you feel is very normal. One thing that can help you, besides letting time do its thing is realizing that her experience with you is ***different*** from her other experience. It’s not her first experience of many things, but it is her first unique experience with you. Do the things you can to make it special in away that would make it one of a kind for both of you. So what if she had sex before or went on a certain trip before. Do something with her in bed or outside of bed that she hasn’t quite experienced before and that will help you put an end to the thoughts you are having. Whatever you do doesn’t have to be very challenging or very expensive. It just has to be special. Let’s say, you decide one day to read her a page from your favorite book or an interesting article in bed before sleep. Chances are no one has done that to her before. This is just one of the any simple things you can think of doing…

  • Elliot

    I’m 18 and I recently lost my virginity to my girlfriend and we’re really serious about each other but she’s had more than a few previous sexual partners. She’s told me that the majority of them we’re drunken mistakes and that only a few we’re in relationships. I’m not really bothered about the drunken mistakes but I do care about the ones that mattered to her (I think that most of them turned out to be jerks) and I think because I know that I’m not her first I’m trying to get as many ‘firsts’ as I can, but every time we do or suggest something new I can’t stop myself asking if she’s done it before and every time she says that she has it kills me.

    The main problem is that I can tell that it is affecting our relationship (me more than her). I keep telling her that it doesn’t bother me and that there is nothing to blame anywhere but I can tell she doesn’t believe me and she’s right to. It does bother me but I don’t want it to (although it is true that I do not blame her for any of it). I don’t see her as unclean and I don’t worry about her feeling that her first (or any of the others) were more special (her first wasn’t nice to her in the end and guilted her into having sex with him [he’s about 6 years older than her {she was 15 when they met and barely 16 when she lost it} and he got another woman pregnant and tried to carry on with both] and I really just hate him) but I want her to experience everything for the first time with me like I am with her and that there may be residual feelings for some of her exs (we met at university so we live like 3-5 hours away from each other and I think the exs that mattered live near her [the main one is one that lasted 9 months {ours is only 3 months in}, I mean there can’t just be nothing there any more can there?] and I do trust her completely but things can happen even if you are very trustworthy).

    I know that its selfish but I really love this girl and I am going to propose to her because I can (and will) fight through it but I don’t want this to bother me (and by extension her) for the rest of my life. If anyone has any constructive advice on how I can get over this feeling (or whether it’ll just go away with time) it will be greatly appreciated. (also is the getting as many ‘firsts’ thing normal?)

    Thanks

  • Her lying is probably just as upsetting as the fact that she is not a virgin itself. There is no way around it – in addition to the information in the article above, only time and your own life experience should help you accept this – i.e. recognizing that life is not perfect and so are your partners. Most women you will meet have past partners and past experiences, which is ok. I think once you have a few partners and you are in the same place in life, you will also be able to relate because you will be in the same place.

  • unknown

    I just met a girl 2 months ago,and she wants to have sex with me.But before we have sex,i asked her if she is a virgin or not and she said yes.I was so happy to hear that she was a virgin and that happiness ended after i saw her vagina,and she said she’s not a virgin.The feeling when i heard that is killing me badly,and now i don’t know either want to leave her or not.Help me to get through with this!!!yes,im a virgin

  • Worthlessperson

    the only thing that I can’t agree with totally is with the advise n°1. Why? because woman DO NOT appreciate the ideia to teach guys how to give them pleasure, that’s why most women turn down virgin men immediately once they find the guy is a virgin, their first thought about the sex with a virgin man is that the sex will be bad and most of the time it will, differently when the guy has some previous experience. And the late the guy have his first time, the worst, cuz he the changes to be rejected will just increase tremendously and he will be on the frustrating circle of rejection, just like when you try to get your first job but has no previous experience: for the guy have 1 chance to have sex, he needs previous experience, but once women find they don’t have, they’re turned down, but to have previous experience sex the guys needs 1 chance, but to have the chance, he needs previous experience, but when the woman finds he has no experience, he’s rejected, but to have experience, he needs one chance, but to have the chance he needs previous experience and on and on and on….

  • Aaron Bellow

    You shouldn’t bother. His initial response spoke volumes on how out of tune he is with the adult world.

  • Leosp

    I couldn’t say it better. I have the same concerns. I have no problem with the experience a girl could have, but that doesn’t change the fact that she may think her ex was more special. I thing is more about men instincts as humans, than really a psychological concern.

  • Brian

    Billy, if a girl really loves you she will do anything for you, her past won’t matter so much if she loves you, but maybe the two of you want to go for STD testing before actually having sex. If she objects, then offer to go together, maybe the act will help the two of you bond. If she won’t go, then, uhm….yeh, that’s a red flag.

  • Brian

    Worst advice ever, GHJK you should dump her ass. From what you have said it is obvious she doesn’t love you and is still in love with this other guy. If you tag along holding her handbag cause you think you love her then she is gonna walk all over you and you will turn into a doormat. Throw that girl out like she was a carton of expired milk you just found in the fridge.

  • First, thank you. I am very happily settled so no concern there. Secondly, I wish many women didn’t have as much sexual experience as they do, and I am talking about the ones who have sex with dozens or even more guys on Tinder, Hinge, Match, in college, etc. But having 3-5 boyfriends this day and age is probably below average and very reasonable. This depends on the age of course. This might be too much for a 16 year old, but if you are in your 30’s or above, and you expect the woman you date to have no sexual experience, this will eliminate well over 90% of the women.

  • Brian

    Maybe I think it is sad that average dating and sexual experience means a girl has had sex with 4 or 5 guys. BTW I’m not super religious and yes, i do believe expecting more of a girl is “constructive.” I’m sorry that you have lower standards than I do, but don’t worry, I’m sure you will settle for something suitable one day.

  • Wow… I guess… good luck with that kind of attitude. Assuming you are not ultra religious who must only be with a virgin, assuming automatically that just because a woman had a a few boyfriends/relationships before meeting you that she is no good, is a very “constructive” way to look at things.
    This article doesn’t talk about the girls gone wild type but about women with average dating and sexual experience.

  • brian

    This article was a piece of feminist trash and took no consideration (like all feminism) for the feelings of the man. Oh yeh, men have feelings too ya know? Fuck off, if she isn’t a virgin then you should move on and forget her and find a girl that is more deserving. It doesn’t mean she is “more experienced” or whatever polite euphemism you want to use, it means she made a bad decisions and slept with a guy she shouldn’t have, and you don’t want to be around people that make bad decisions because they will drag you down too.

  • Andrew Martin-Sharples

    When reading your intro I felt one thing: disgusted. The fact that other guys feel like that is a massive disappointment; a woman never “depreciates in value” because a woman is a human being – not a car.

    All I have to say is “man up”, this is a non-issue; if you think it is, then you aren’t emotionally mature for sex!

  • andrew

    hi billy i know how you feel its hard for a man who is still a virgin and a women who has had loads of experience just wonder why they tell us about the past which is something i struggle with

  • Aj, it sounds like that either that girl has serious because of what she has been going through, and she would need to resolve them before she can have a normal interaction with the guys she meets; or… it was just an excuse to not see you any longer for some other reason. As far as being a virgin, I wouldn’t worry about how to label it, as in the end – it doesn’t really matter.

  • Aj

    A few years ago I dated a girl who isn’t a virgin. She had been with two guys before she met me, the first she loved deeply and they had a child. But the guy was an abusive asshole and one incident happened that gave her the strength to leave the guy and file custody for the child (whom is now 4 years old) the second guy, she was with for 4 months and she slept with him to because she gave into his constant begging. I’ll get to the point, I knew she wasn’t a virgin from the start, but I still couldn’t help but feel in what the article said but I slowly got over it. When the day came that we had sex, she stopped it right after a few minutes because she felt guilt due to the fact I was her “third” and a few days later she broke up with me because she was afraid of getting serious with me. We are still friends and all. My question is. Why did she do all that out of guilt and fear from her past? Also, would I still be considered a non-virgin even though it ended shortly after is began cuz she wanted to stop and I can hardly call that gaining any experience. I don’t want to end up dating a non-virgin girl if that’s going to happen again

  • Hello, Ani. You are correct that it’s unlikely that nothing happened, but not impossible. But then again – I wonder how she even qualifies to be an ex girlfriend if they never had sex though

  • I don’t believe it’s true. That experience might stay with her for a while, but that in no way means that it will be better and more special than the following experiences. It certainly doesn’t mean that she will have closeness to that guy forever or even for a long time unless they fall in love and actually become close. For many people (and women specifically) the first sexual experience isn’t that great anyway and losing virginity is just the first stage in their dating and sex life.

  • asdf

    That, along with the fact that she’s going to be thinking that she’s had better than me? And by serious about the girl, I mean that we’re both in the stages of thinking that we could end up marrying eachother.

  • asdf

    My concern is more of how she won’t feel as connected to me as she will to the guy that she lost her virginity to. If I’m serious enough about someone to have sex with them (I’m a virgin)… is it true that psycologically, their first experience is always going to be better and more special than any of ours will be, and that she’ll always remember that first experience over anything else? And that she’ll always have a closeness to that guy?

  • Ani k

    I am a 24 years old female virgin. I have had only one serious relationship in my life which last for 4 years and we eventually broke up. Recently I met this amazing guy who fascinated me at the beginning I was flying high in the sky thinking about him. He seemed to be that special someone I was waiting for my entire life and I couldn’t think of anything wrong in our relationship. But I just realized that he has traveled with his ex girlfriend and stayed at the same place with her. That broke my heart so bad because I was hopeful he is saving himself for me. I asked him and to my surprise he said “he is a virgin” !! Deep down I can’t believe that can happen, how can you spend the night with your girlfriend in a room and not give up to temptation. I am so puzzled about staying or walking out of this relationship. I really need help on this

  • What you should do depends on how you feel about her. If you are in love and are extremely serious about her, then you should give her space figure out what and who she wants. If this is casual to you, then you won’t mind sticking around for sex and companionship until and unless something better comes alone for you. My guess is that the reason you are asking this question is because it really bothers you so first option is a far more likely one for you.

  • Ghjk

    My Girlfriend told me the other day she is not a virgin and I got frustrated and upset.
    She told me she still had feelings for him mostly bc of the fact that she lost her virginity to him and he took hers.
    She tells me she loves me but there could be a chance if they were to ever talk again, they could get back together.
    What Do I do?

  • Its important that you recognize that there won’t be many women in their thirties who are virgins and it’s unreasonable to expect that. Perhaps changing your way of thinking about women’s prior experiences can be a good start for you. Like anything else, having sexual experience in moderation is quite useful to those women and to the guys they are dating, including yourself.

  • Billy

    Question………What if you’re still a virgin at age 35? I went on a date with a woman and she was a party girl in her early years (20’s) (she’s 31 now). I really like her, but I’m afraid of a sexual encounter with her. As a matter fact, I go through this dilemma every time I find someone. I believe this is the main reason why my past relationships have never worked. I don’t wanna get “soiled” by someone who has had sexual encounters in the past. Whenever a woman comes onto me in a sexual way, I hold back and end the potential relationship (no more phone calls, no more dates, etc.)

  • What you experience is quite normal after losing first love and first meaningful connection. The important things to remember are (1) this is just the beginning of your journey and it’s quite ok to make mistakes. It’s just part of dating; and (2) there is no one single tip that can address your overall issue right now. Instead you should educate yourself by reading articles and watching videos on this and other sites that offer advice that you find useful and applicable to your challenges.

  • F

    I’m 21, male and haven’t had sex and it’s started playing on my mind again recently. Last year I had a relationship with a close friend who also hadn’t been with anyone before. She’d been dropping hints for a couple of years but I’ve been very good at pushing people away (which is why I’ve stayed single). We both wanted to have sex, but it was long-distance and because we were both new to it and she’s quite small, it hurt whenever we tried. We were happy seeing each other and I didn’t want to hurt her so we took our time and it was gradually getting easier. Anyway, things went wrong and we broke up a couple of months ago, with a lot more experience than when we started, but still without either of us having had sex. I missed the relationship more than sleeping with her initially, but now I just feel like the opportunity I was waiting for came along and I missed it, even though I enjoyed being with her. We were totally uninhibited because we knew each other so well and could just have fun an explore. All the confidence and happiness that came from having a relationship with someone I was so close to has gone and I just feel tired of not having sex again. I don’t just want to share it with anyone, I’ve turned girls down before, but I’m tired of missing opportunities and feel clueless again. As one of my friends put it- it’s ironic how the easiest time to approach girls is when you’re in a relationship- and it’s totally because of confidence. I’m kind of dating someone at the moment, but it’s early days and I’m terrible at making a move and developing the relationship- all the chances I’ve had in the past have just kind of happened naturally, but I want to be able to make this happen. Any advice would be appreciated.

  • Vay

    I couldn’t even hope to find such a perfect description of my own situation. I am relieved not to be the only one who has to deal with this kind of problem/pain. But of course, this doesn’t make anything easier. Unlike other men of my age (20) I am more interested in a relationship, than in sex. I think of sex more as a posibility to please my (unexistent) girlfriend, than to enjoy it by myself. But the curiosity to lose my virginity still exists somewhere inside…
    Please excuse me for possible mistakes – english is obviousely not my native language.

  • anonymous

    Hey thanks for responding!
    Unfortunately, (1) I feel the need to compare myself to her friends since they are the people most likely to be in a relationship with her, (2) the only reason why I endure life is because of what the future might hold in store for me. I have a depressing personality, and I think that I lost any chances of being with her because of it. I did try to change it, but it’s so difficult to. When I made my first post I was afraid this would happen. I lost touch with most of my feelings and desires and I am pretty sure that’s where it all went wrong. I guess I am glad to know that she knew what to do, still disappointed though. It’s disappointing when one of the most open minded people you meet loses interest in you. She probably knew that I would get too attached and saved me the trouble of heartbreak. Even without being very close to her I still felt attached to her because she brought back some of my feelings. In the attempt to avoid heartbreak I have experienced heartbreak. It’s like I’m back where I started. At least I came back with some knowledge from this experience. Oh well, back to dehumanization!

  • Thanks for sharing your experience.
    First, the girl probably knows that you are not a philosophy buff and just because that was her major doesn’t mean that this is what she is looking for in her partner, even though it would help you in many ways with many different smart people, if you knew a thing or two about the most important philosophers. Otherwise, she would be looking to date someone from her department or from masters program.
    The fact that she is sexual is a blessing. Sex is a huge part of relationship and you don’t need to deny that. While orgasm might only be a momentary pleasure, everything that surrounds it is indispensable to having a good relationship, at least at your age.
    You should not (1) compare yourself to her peers and you should also not (2) try to predict the future, but instead be the best guy you can be and let time and actions speak for themselves.

  • anonymous

    I’m a virgin, male, 21. The insecurity displayed by others is something I have experienced. It’s kind of funny actually. I figured out that it was the sense of pride or ego that made me insecure. This girl is interested in me, and at first it was obvious that it was sexual interest. However I have spent some time with her and she told me that she is somewhat wanting a relationship (didn’t say with or without me). I don’t really care too much for sex since it seems like a momentary pleasure, but a relationship is something that I have wanted for a long time. I think I would be happy with just having somebody informative to love, she is 6 years older than me and probably is much smarter than me (has a BA in philosophy). From what she has told me she is highly sexual, and to be honest I love that she is free to allow herself this pleasure. Right now I am just confused about whom she wishes to be in a relationship with since she knows many other open minded people. I don’t think I am nearly as interesting as any of her philosophy friends, but I don’t know how to fairly judge myself. She does meet others, might have even hooked up with one of my teachers haha. I get that there’s a good chance that I may just be a sex toy to her, but I would rather be a loving friend to her. If I date her I don’t think I will have a problem with her having other sexual partners, it would be better for both of us probably. I just don’t know what are my chances of dating her are compared to being a sex tool. Any thoughts? Feel free to respond however you like.

  • Stormin Norman

    Then she’s trash herself bro. If she’s willing to bed someone that low class, then that shows a lot about her true character.

  • Stormin Norman

    So you basically forwent your love for God just to settle down with a woman who lied to you and acted like a party girl. Was it really worth it?

  • Your strong emotions are very typical of losing first love or losing a significant relationship during young years. First, it will take time to get over it. There is no way around it. Dealing with losing someone who you had high hopes and plans for and knowing that she is dating someone else is part of growing up and maturing as a man. You will have to treat this sooner or later as a lesson – a lesson that teaches you that no matter how well you do everything, there are things that are not in your control. There are no guarantees in this world that the person you love will reciprocate your feelings and will not go the other way. That’s just life. Hoping for the best but also knowing that the worst can happen is the best frame of mind to develop. Also, please this article, which is relevant to your situation: http://www.practicalhappiness.com/handling-break-ups/losing-first-love/

  • Nelly

    Hi, I find myself hopelessly suffering endlessly because I was in a 3-year relationship with a girl in high school, and we shared a lot of intimacy’s with each other, and did a lot of our first things together. We went through a lot of emotional hardships together, and I sacrificed a lot of my time and energy for her. I loved her extremely deeply. We argued a lot and broke up a couple times only to come back together. We talked about marriage all the time, and when we would eventually have sex and lose our virginities together. Then we got separated to different colleges, and she broke up with me for no real reasons, and a couple months later, she got in another relationship with another person. I kept chatting with her online during this process, thinking that this was another stupid episode where she would come back to me after a few weeks… But their relationship got serious, and before I knew it, she gave away her virginity to this upperclassman she had been dating for a couple months. She has sort of a psychopathic personality that has little remorse for other people… and I think i had a fetish for that aspect of her… but now she’s using it against me. She just bluntly tells me that she’s sorry, she knows she totally screwed me over, and she wants me to forget about her, and go on with my life… Several weeks after that incident, I’ve been over the fact that she’s not my girl anymore, and i’ve given up on trying to get her to come back… Her personality has changed somewhat and I don’t think I like who she is anymore… But as a person who USED to see her as a pure angel who I’ve done everything for, so I could be her husband, and be the one to take her virginity, I often get extremely frustrated and angry at night when I think about that upper classman (who I view as very unnattractive) enjoying the innocence and purity of the person I loved, without even giving much thought about it. And to prove that this guy is worthless, they broke up after a 3 month relationship. WHAT SHOULD I DO? I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT AND GETTING HORRIBLY FRUSTRATED. CAN’T EVEN SLEEP. I tell myself everything that this article says, trying to make myself see things differently, but I can’t stop feeling angry when i see images of my naked gf to whom i devoted my life to, opening up her legs, for a big asshole she has only known for a couple months. WHY.

  • Francis De La Pena

    I agree. Do not let her get near her ex’s. They would just be bad influence on the relationship.

  • I very much agree with this advice. I do have to add that hanging out with an ex makes it more likely for them to hook up again, whether consciously or when drinking or when one thing leads to another in other situations. Remember – it’s much easier for people who have had a relationship or who used to date and have sex to have sex again than for those who haven’t. The fact that they are no longer officially together doesn’t change the fact that they have developed a level of physical comfort due to their prior history.

  • It’s possible that she is a little confused about what and who she wants or she is really afraid of being alone or lonely so she is trying to maintain contact with more than one guy. Only an open discussion and conversation with her can reveal what she wants, assuming that she can figure it out herself at this point. You probably could also use some time to reflect on what and who you want given your homosexual experiences.

  • George

    Hello,

    I would be careful with ex’s. I wouldn’t let my girlfriend hang out with her ex. However you need to understand she likes you now and not him. If she liked him she would be with him. And it depend aid they hang out in the same group of friends Ita okay but alone at watch other houses then you get to wonder.. Also it depends the trust level and how much confidence you have for her… If she’s touchy with him and fleury and everything then it’s not a good dog but if she’s completly neutral and she doesn’t think about him anymore and he’s nothing to her and you really like it it doesn’t hurt to try. Follow your heart my friend. Good luck. I won’t see this again so I hope you take this advice well. Don’t be to jealous but don’t not jealous. It’s normal to be jealous but trust is a magor thing. However there’s limits that need to be respected. Also it depends how much you like the girl. Follow your heart but don’t ignore your mind. Let God guide you in your path. Take care 🙂

  • Daky A. shortt

    Hi… Sorry I’m actually point for point in the beginning… But this article doesn’t cover one thing..

    I’m 17, I’ve had a gay sexual background (something I’ve kept to myself around my friends) and I’ve told her. But I was never with the same guy twice. Secondly, she had sex with her ex several times (she lost count even) and she still hangs out with him… I feel like the fact that she still hangs out with him is a massive red light and I should turn and walk the other way… ANY HELP would be GREATLY appreciated.
    We haven’t officially started dating, and I can still get out before it’s too late.

  • Thanks for your good advice. Indeed, focusing on the present and the future rather than worrying what her past, especially if there is nothing outrageous about it is the way to go.

  • Annonymous

    Hi! I am a 24 year old guy who is a virgin. I started dating this girl i really like. We’ve been going out for more than a month now. I’ve always known that she wasn’t a virgin anymore. We have talked about it during our first date, She has only done the deed once with another guy. Similar to other people commenting here, i also tend to overthink and be insecure. We’ve already talked about it, and it really helped. But sometimes, when my mind goes idle, i can’t help, but think about it again. But the funny thing is, every time i’m with her, all my insecurities fade away. We haven’t done it yet, but are probably closing to do so. I know this might sound cheesy and all but for everyone who is having a hard time with this, just think about her, and stop thinking of yourself. You saved your virginity by choice, she lost it by choice. Just like i choosing to stay with her. Be with someone, unconditionally. Accept them for who they are, and for who they’re not. Yeah, you weren’t her first, probably not even her 2nd, 3rd, or 4th. But sex isnt everything in a relationship. Just focus on the other “first” moments you can share together, and you’ll probably get by this. That or im just a hopeless romantic. Peace out!

  • Aaron

    Just read this post and honestly this is 100% how I feel now. I am 26 and due to where I live being able to mingle with people my age is hard for many reasons.
    I am the kind of person who cannot and will not go to clubs and the like because its not me, also the fact that when I was 14 I was assaulted by a guy in high school who left me with memory loss and several problems revolving around men and women with some connection to men e.g ex bf.

    I have had counselling over this for years with no real change in sight, I just cannot feel love for someone who has been with someone else while I have not. I have liked a few women in my years but whenever an ex if revealed I just loose all feeling of love for them 🙁

    Just like in the post I feel it is unfair on me but I cant blame them if they had there first time with someone they loved. However just because they was lucky in love early on I cant see why it means I have to miss out on that first time with someone who is just as “pure” as me.

  • Good point. We do so many things not because we really want but because everyone else around us is doing, and it’s a sign of mental and moral weakness. You should drink, have sex, etc… when you truly want to and not out of any kind of external or even imaginary pressure. Independence of mind is one of the greatest things about being human. We should take advantage of this trait more often.

  • "Everything …. but…" girls – I never understood them. I always thought that the purpose of retaining virginity is not only biological but also mental – to save your love and related emotions for that special guy. Being "everything but" seems to be super hypocritical to me. A girl who gave many bj's, had been eaten by different guys, etc… can hardly be considered a virgin, even if her hymen is fully intact.

  • dan

    agree

    She gave-up her innocence too easily to a man who swayed her with his sweet words.

    She traded her Christian "innocence" for a moment's pleasure, not thinking of the man she may later marry.

    To be honest, she likely wasn't thinking about her faith, God, being a "good girl," etc., as he penetrated her and gave her all these new feelings.

    Many Christian girls feel at least some sense of guilt.

    Some don't go on BC because that's an "admission" or "acknowledgement" that they're "sinning," so they ask their guy(s) to withdraw "just in time" & cum outside of her vagina. It's supposedly "easier on the conscience."

    Though many will nominally "agree" to that request, many won't.

    (There's no way a woman can stop a guy from climaxing inside her once he gets in. Most wouldn't want to stop).

    Also, there are many who are "everything…but" girls who let their boyfriends do all those other sexual things including heavy amounts of oral… but block them when they try to complete their lovemaking.

    Sometimes, the guys move it in & filled with passion as they are, the women won't stop them, so lose their innocence in that way.

    The fact she slept with him for SEVEN MONTHS shows she enjoyed letting him mount her and "introduce" the naive "innocent" girl to the thrills of sex.

    For MORE THAN HALF A YEAR she let him mount her in all sorts of positions and hardly blushed tells you something.

  • Zingjin

    I do love a girl so much but she has a bad past with a guy before we met each other. That guy persuaded her to get her body first before a legal marriage. We are all the college students. She broke up her relationship with that guy because she found that guy's guilty. That guy still loves her and try to be her shadow. I hadn't known everything about her and i'd just tried to contact her, dated her and she refused to me. She and I have fallen in love with each other. Until her birthday, this year, I've just realized that she lost her virginity. I'm hurt, I cried and although I tried to stop but it's still hurt because I know that I still love her very much. That guy is who that told me everything he'd done with her. She said sorry to me.

    Now I don't know what to do. I'm trying to escape from her while she is still saying that she loves me and although that guy tries to blame or insult her. That guy also threatened me to stop loving her and distance from her.

    So can you tell me what should I do???

  • Gisele

    Just read all of this and it's very interested to read all the different views.

    I am a woman who has had a few partners, and now I am seeing a guy who lost his virginity to me. He is very self conscious in and out of bed.

    What do I do to not freak him . out in bed and make him feel confident without being patronising etc?.:)

  • gest

    You have to talk each other honestly and profoundly. You must support your talks with a professional advice obtained from e.g psychologist specializing in such issues

  • gust

    As she was not a christian it's very hard to have such demands for her past. Be tolerant.
    You are very young so you can find a virgin among many non-virgins.
    If you want to marry her, you know as a christian that you have to forget about her past not later than at the moment of swearing the outh. Pray, decide, think. you're right when you say it's unfair, but there are many unfair things in the world. That is your life. Be strong and proud of your virtues.

  • gust

    100% True.
    "I decided religion would no longer play a role in my life"-sounds sadly, because it could play a role in your life still. Of course it depends…. If your religion was not bad, you should carefully consider your quitting/not quitting
    You say "I've started dating other women, not so much for sex than for improving my confidence, and ego. -may be good for your ego and confidence, or for sure is good for both, but it's for sure somehow risky for your relationship with your wife

  • guest

    the deepest truth The Bear; and your next posts also

  • guest77

    "And also remember – the only reason you are still a virgin and she is not is because you haven’t met anyone with whom you wanted and could have had sex with. "- That is bull shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Zap

    I say dump her.

    If you are a virgin male and she couldn't keep her damn legs closed – YOU ( as a guy ) deserve more !

    Equality, isn't that what women wanted?

    She's not a virgin? BAM! Dumped the second after.

    Bad decisions have consequences – ALWAYS.

    Deal with it "liberated women".

  • Anonymous

    hii. i m going to get married to this guy. its an indian arranged marriage where we met couple of times and agreed to get married. aftr the wedding is fixed my fiance asked me if i was a virgin..I am not. but he is. and to him saving it for marriage is very important. hes disturbed that i have had it in the past. does not blame me for doing it, but he cant get over it either and it shows in his attitude towards me..hes become more distant from me.i dont know how to deal with it. i really like him and want him to be normal with me again. please advice.

  • Dom

    She lost her virginity to another man so you should lose it to another woman.

  • Dom

    I agree with Anonymous. You deserve a virgin christian woman. A real one.

  • Dom

    So what is the point of marriage? What is the point of anything. I should of had sex with all the women i had a chance to sleep with. A woman who falls in love with a man does not really care about the number of women he has slept with. Let's all become whores. It doesn't really matter at the end. Even being with a woman is nothing special. The worst pricks on earth attract women that i can only get in my dreams.

  • Susy

    I am married and abused by my husband. My husband was a virgin when i met him, but i was not a virgin. He keeps accusing me of not loving him and calling me names such as prostitutes. I have children with him. I am thinking of quitting the relationship, but the children love him so much. Each time he insults me, i think of my former boyfriend who wanted to marry me, but i was already married to my husband. I need your advise, should i quit or stay. He is a loving husband and he apologies each time he says things to me and i forgive him. He keep doing it all the time. I am afraid he is cheating on me

  • Christian

    There are two kinds of people according to living and their happiness depends on that belief of theirs, they were the practical ones and the ideal ones,,,,, the ideal ones are the one who set the ideal life they want to live, life that like perfect for them, thats why they want their mate to be perfect , virgin and clean since it was the life that they wanted to be. But the practical ones wont care about it as long as they are loyal to each other and leave the past to the past….. Its up to you guys, leave your mate if u cant accept what they are and what is in their past…

  • Anonymous

    @criscar, She doesn’t deserve u she said that stuff to try to make u feel better but the fact she fucked a guy in his 40’s and for 7 months at that. And it doesn’t matter that she is now waiting til marriage to have sex again it’s too late for that no matter converting to Christianity doesn’t make her a virgin

  • AJ

    @Mia Dear, U think sex is just sex means u had quit a few sex partners and a guy who is a virgin who values his virginity doesn’t want a girl like u

  • Anonymous

    geez, yor article made me feel even worse

  • Anonymous

    this is so incorrect, Timing has nothing to do with it, i have had a girl ive dated for 2 years we came close and she said “if you want it then do it” i said no…that’s happened more than once, and i still haven’t…To say that she found someone and did it because she liked them is complete BS….

  • criscar

    i feel the same way as you do, Lee Lee Boi, i am a faithful christian since i was 14 i am now 21 and still a virgin, i been dating a girl for 10 montths now and she is 18, she lost her viginity to one guy at the age of 17 and the guy was on his 40's, i knew this before we started dating but i never expected to love her so much, i have plans of marrying her now, but now and then i have very frustating thoughts because she lost her virginity to this guy and i feel it is very unfair, i even got very mad at her because she told me that she was happy that i am still a virgin, ofcourse i didnt show her how i felt about that comment but it made me feel like i am small and not experienced and i dont it just made me feel really and and sad, but still i try not to think about it because despite her past, she has now converted to christianity and she says she wants to wait until she gets married to have sex again, i believe she is a new person and we are very compatible, but still i cant seem to shake this feeling of me, because i feel she is more experinced than me and that she wont feel that it would be a "special" moment like it would be for me in my first time. she told me that even though she was sexually active with him for 7 months that she didnt even get an orgasms with him ever, and that she didnt feel like she got any experience out of it since the guy was diabetic he would get tired really easily and she would get bored after a while and not even let him finish some times, she also told me that they didnt experimente many positions either, but still i felt really bad after she told me all that, any advice?

  • LeeLeeBoi

    Similar problem guys. I'm a devoted Christian and had been offered sex on a plate by many many nice girls. For some reason I kept my faith and decided, the person I will give this to will be my wife. It will be an eternal present. Rekindled conversation with this 25 year old offshore girl. Loved every bit of it and we've been together two years. I loved her to bits but never asked about her past. Just got freaky one day and we started talking over the fone, asking questions about how she likes sex and her posiitions Etc. She told me everythhing and I asked the question, when did You loose your flower? She's always spoken about no sex before marriage so I never asked if she was still a virgin. She owned up to 6 years ago when she was 19 lost it to a 24 year old guy. Already had two sexual partners in total before she said ok to no more sex before marriage.

    I was crushed even though I was expecting it. I covered my face and told her I will loose mine to her in marriage. It was a crazy moment. It deflated me! Same as people above, I thought, there's no was I can be as confident that I can perform like her ex partners have. I have begun to have doubts of inability to satisfy her. We got marriage plans on the way, I can't even think. Thoughts of me seeing a new girl on the side is rising so I can be more confident when I finally have sex with her. it's filled my head all day at work and even right now. I'm a reader and have read a lot on sex. I'm the very confident one and dont even know what to do to bring my confidence back.

    Honestly, Im trying to chin up and brush it aside but it's not working. This forum has helped but I'm still doubting I will be that top boy she's possibly always had because they never cared about her but she sought after them anyway.

    What can I do to control my emotions, restore my confidence, and get the thoughts out of my head? Should I keep my virginity till then or just have sex now booty call or something so I can gain confidence and not be ashamed with fidgets of not being able to satisfy my wife when we eventually get married? I'm going bunkers at the moment. help

  • Ron

    I was a virgin (23) and met this really cute and beautiful girl (26). I am tall with average looks but also somewhat smart, dress-well, confident and dominant. She loved me. We had sex and it was awesome. She didn’t know that. I guess she thought I was a Casanova or a playboy, but I think it will be astounding when I tell her she was my very first.
    I think it is the best for everybody to tell afterwards. After we had sex, she told me it was her first time with someone younger, and she loved it.

  • Awakened

    Hi

    Thanks a lot for this article, and your website in general. I found myself in exactly this situation. It was however worsened by the fact that it happened in a religious set up. I was a devout Christian, and follower of what you'd call a fundamentalist sect. In my perception, everyone in our group was devout and 'pure'. So you can imagine the disappointment when at 27 and still a virgin, I found someone I really liked, who had been in the system all her life. Man, I was over the moon! She was everything I wanted; beautiful, younger, and more importantly still a virgin, well until she broke the news. As it turned out she had lost her flower some years back, and had had sexual interactions with several men afterwards. As it turned out she had been in a sexual relationship at the time I 'found' her! This was both shocking and life changing. I went through the same emotions you've described above, but in a more intense way. At that point I started re-evaluating my life and values. I decided religion would no longer play a role in my life, and decided to be more 'open'. We're married now, and after going through one storm after another, I'm beginning to cherish her love, loyalty, patience, and maturity. I know that if she had wanted, she would have run off and easily found other men of better status. Be that as it may, I find myself in an awkward situation; I feel I have to make up for 'the lost years'. I've started dating other women, not so much for sex than for improving my confidence, and ego. I'm sure you know what I mean.

  • Horny DUDE

    Im 17 and in high school. So my girlfriend told me she's not a virgin and I am. I felt everything that you described in the article. I like her a lot but it kills me to know that she's already had sex and I'm this douche who hasn't. Our relationship is healthy and we don't fight often, but I really want to have sex and just get this shi* over with. We've talked about it together, but the fact of her not being a virgin and me being a "pussy" just really pisses me off. It feels shameful. Please can you tell me more positives out of this situation that you haven't already listed? Cause I feel like I'm going crazy.

  • practicalhappiness.c

    I think it's better to bring up the issue of virginity earlier and not when you are trying to "bust a move" as it might ruin the move or make things less romantic.

    I think you can transition into it in a casual conversation, and ask the girl about her experience with men.

    Also, your idea of losing virginity and staying with the same person for the rest of your life sounds wonderful, and it's great to aspire to that, but you also much be ready for things not to work out exactly as you wish. Sometimes things change and people change. And while you may be able to vow for yourself, there simply isn't a way to know how your partner will be a month, a year, or 10 years from now. Hoping for the best, but being ready for the worst is an important mindset to have.

  • Adam B4 Eve

    I am also a 22 year old virgin. The reason i havent lost my virginity bcuz i dont have the social comfort and self confidence and self esteem. Even though i am tryin 2 improve on those things. Ive come to realise that being a virgin is the right way to go because of the amount of STIs and STDs out there, and also being a virgin makes me feel pure, clean and untouched by contaminated souls.

    I believe the person that took my virginity should be the one that I spend the rest of my life with. No divorces or break ups, till death do us part.

    i want to lose my virginity with a virgin bcuz It will equally fair to both of us. I dont want to be walking down the road holding hands with a girl who have had sex with more than 10 guys it will make me feel very uncomfortable when she happens to meet one of her ex-boyfriend introduces me them and the guy turn out to be a really tall black guy, the first thing that it going to pop in my head is two of them having sex and it will also come to my conclusion that her goods are wrecked LOL!! , I dont want any second hand girl. And also if I am not performing as well as her ex boyfriends, she will seek the performance she desires behind my back which will in return STI and STD for me. Non virgins set a standard of pleasure when they experience it and I might not measure up to it. literally!! LOL

    i dont the believe that BS about two virgins will have no experience, there a endless amount of information on books, movies and of course in internet about sex. We can read and experiment or watch movies, "monkey see monkey do"

    My question is?

    how will i know if she is a virgin? Can I ask her the same time i bust a move on her? because I dont want to waste time on her, the time wasted could have been spent on a girl who is a virgin.

  • I can do what ever i want

    I would rather live without sex then, i want my first time experience to be something special we share not something where in a complete idiot who has to get advice from the other.

  • practicalhappiness.c

    The way to overcome this is by taking this is a painful yet valuable lesson, that sometimes or even more often than that you don't get what you want or expect, but you have to roll with the punches and move forward, because your life goes on.

  • Innocent little boy!

    I am proud of 22 years of virginity, saving it for my love.
    I am not psychologically ill, i am just a good and Innocent boy.

    And how can i come over my feelings, when i see the one i loved for years has lost her virginity over a very low class idiot?

  • I’m the Devil

    Maybe if i found out that the girl is not virgin…. hmm i’ll just have sex wit her and leave her ASAP X-D well like this topic says…. no one own me as well… no need to be pure and committed if many of the women today is not pure and uncommitted as well.

  • tn

    one of the fundamentals of social interaction is that people will behave according to the way you do. so if you act as if it's not a big deal to YOURSELF that you are a virgin (if necessary make it a point that you are one due to personal principles, that you are waiting for someone special) then the girl will behave accordingly and respect you for it. the more convincing and care-free (or even proud) you act regarding the issue, the more respect you get from the girl. on the other hand, if you fumble and treat the issue as if it's a fault on your part, then the girl will see through your insecurity and start losing respect.

    this reminds me of an episode on Friends, where Monica found out that her boyfriend had only had sex with 2 women during his entire life (keep in mind that he's her father's friend and age), one of whom is Monica herself and the other his ex wife. an insecure guy would be embarrassed and try to hide this fact. but this guy is so confident that he volunteered the information himself, didnt make a big deal out of it and was even proud of it due to its being congruent with his personal principle (that he only has sex with women he loves). needless to say how Monica reacted to this.

    and needless to say what you should learn from this

  • Mia Dear

    Haha thank you Google!

    I know this post was for men but I had to see the male point of view on the subject. . . Although it is frustrating how some believe that virginity is a sacred thing, a lot of women just view sex as sex and assume men are the same. In my mind, it is utterly natural and there really is no special meaning behind sex. Sex really IS just sex. But, if you actually care About the woman you're with, her purity status shouldn't mean a thing to you.

    Thanks for the perspective!

    -Mia Dear

  • harry

    i dont agree to "And also remember – the only reason you are still a virgin and she is not is because you haven’t met anyone with whom you wanted and could have had sex with. "

    I am 23, a virgin who left a non virgin girl coz she lied.. I am a virgin by choice coz I had the opportunity to sleep with two girls in my life.. but i knew my limits and I knew I wont give myself until i am very sure.. the heartbreaks later are just not worth it..

    If you CARE FOR YOU FUTURE PARTNER, YOULL UNDERSTAND.. IF YOU JUST CARE FOR YOUR SELFISHNESS, YOU WONT GET A THING..

    DO TO OTHERS AS YOU WANT FOR YOURSELF..

    Thats lifes first religion..

  • hey arkady ive had a long distance relationship with a girl for about 4months we talked alot in the begining part of the relationship but now she tells me shes busy alot but she says she loves me more than i know and we both planned on future things such as where and what we'll be doing she calls me her husband to be we never talked by phone or met in person only by txt and pictures my question is,is this a sure thing? should i continue to uh try and keep this relationship going? thanks in advance

  • cat hat

    After reading the main post I can say that my current situation is almost exactly that. Im 18 and about a year ago got into a relationship with a girl (also 18) knowing she'd had a fair bit of previous experience while I had none. We "did the deed" so to speak and everything seemed alright for a while.

    After a month or so I began to get frustrated and annoyed at the lack of experience i'd had and the fact that she'd managed to find the right people to have those experiences with while i'd completly wasted a good few years. This led to me overthinking it alot and even snapping at my girlfriend after i'd been drinking too much. She knows how I feel and the subject is brought up on a fairly regular basis which usually involves an argument. We're still together and most of the time I pretend as if it doesnt bother me when it really is a big burden to carry. While we're still young and anything can happen im not knocking the potential for a far future relationship aside and worry that my anger and will remain regardless of how long we are together.

    Thanks, Cat Hat.

  • AnnonymousMan

    I find what everyone has said to be very interesting. I agree 100% with this article. I to have lost my virginity to a non-virgin girl and have had many arguements and rough times due to feeling that she had used me in some sort of way since the first couple of times I never ejaculated. Turns out she was just shy and unconfident when it should of been the other way around. I believe virginity does not hold any sort of special meaning. Just because you haven't engaged in sex does not mean that somebody who has, has one up'ed you or has received something you never will. People act like sex holds such a special meaning that it is ridiculus. It is simply an act that can be committed through a ton of different reasons such as love, lust, jealousy, uncontrollable arousal, rape, or even curiousity. To have sex out of pure love is a very nice thing but when you honestly break it all down, sex is simply an act based on your sex drive. To say it holds a special meaning pertaining to one thing (love) is ignorance.

    So enjoy your virginity as you will more than likely loose it one day. Enjoy sex as more of an act instead of something that is strictly based on one particular thing.

  • practicalhappiness.c

    Hello, Scott.
    The purpose of the article is quite different – to help virgin men overcome the obstacle of perceiving women who are not virgins in a negative light. Of course, it is your choice to have your first time with a girl who is also a virgin, and I have nothing but respect for this choice, but if you were to fall in love with someone who is not a virgin, this article suggests some tips on how to help that fact not stand in your way.

  • Scott

    I just have this to say. Why did you just suggest something like "If you don't want to have sex with a girl that is not a virgin, don't have sex with her." Honestly I am a virgin and 100% devoted to loosing my virginity to a virgin. Even though the first might not be the last, why did you make it sound like any man (or woman's) virginity is so unspecial? I want to be able to share this experience with a woman that is equally able to share in this experience with me. Having sex with a woman that is not a virgin, what does she really have to give? Where is her excitement? What does she understand? She's already been though it. I couldn't stand that! I like to think my virginity atleast meant something, at least when I was a virgin.

  • practicalhappiness.c

    Hello, Sham. I am not sure why you should feel guilty. I understand that a girl who is a virgin would be very sensitive, but expecting you to be a virgin is not really reasonable or fair. If you have some kind of relationship/s before meeting this girl, why should you feel guilty about it.

  • Sham

    I am 25, I do have the same problem but vise versa. In my case, i am not a virgin but she is virgin.

    As i had a very guilty feeling,i told her that i am not a virgin.

    She is very angry on me and is there any change that she might take me back ?

  • The Bear

    Thank you for letting me share. I know it isn't really on subject the whole time but I wanted to share like you said; that virginity is not something that has to be tossed away.

    And in my personal opinion, it should be cherished; it is of great value.

    Resisting social pressure and standing on what you see as right, makes one a stronger person, someone to be admired.

  • practicalhappiness.com

    Thanks for sharing your personal experience. Hopefully, this will be helpful to all those guys and women who think that virginity is something they have to get rid of urgently and that it is some kind of blemish in them. The reality is that it is a wonderful thing if perceived the right away and if one knows how to disregard the social pressure.

  • The Bear

    @Guanetidino:

    You can actually be proud of your virginity.

    It is rare for a guy to be able to offer a woman that gift. I am 25 and I have actually turned down sex on many occasions and with several very serious relationships (even while I was engaged) because I wanted to save that gift for my wife. My engagement fell through and I was again single and proudly still had my gift to give to whoever becomes my wife.

    I believe that it is also the highest respect I can show a woman. That I value her enough to wait until I am married to her to have sex, and if we don't get married that neither she nor I will have to carry those memories. That way we are able to focus on the other very important parts of a relationship. Since my broken engagement I have had a few girlfriends come and go. And I have had some deep relationships with them. I try to avoid becoming physically intimate early in the relationship. And always refuse sex. This way I can show my respect for them, and show my affection for them. My ex-fiancee' said that it meant so much to her that I loved her enough to refuse what I so strongly desired.

    In my case it showed self control and commitment. And these are greatly important things in life. And as I moved from one relationship to another, each woman was openly appreciative of my commitment and self control. It made them feel safe and gave them security and control. Things that are important for woman. They want to trust you with their lives and yet not be owned by you.

    The best relationships I've had are the ones where we were truly best friends first and foremost, GF&BF second and lovers lastly. (Most guys, sadly, want it the other way around. And women don't.)

    I have had a number of relationships and by focusing on friendship and compatibility first, and then being lovers, I was able to find women who not only wanted to be with me, but wanted to be my life partner. But be careful when they move that way too fast, they might be wearing rose-colored glasses and will overlook important things. Thats why I avoid the physical relationship as much as possible, so that I myself can remain objective.

    Its just my 2-cents but I hope it helps.

    -The Bear

  • The Bear

    I have to add that I am currently in a relationship that is so promising that I am thankful the others have failed! She is the most wonderful woman I have ever met. AND, she is everything I was looking for.

    (be careful that as you age you dont get too picky, and remember what you loved about each girl you were with)

    I was patient, consistent, knew what I wanted and knew when to draw the line and end it.

    (and don't be too hurt if you get dumped, its usually a good thing)

    After six months of being together we've had allot of deep discussions(we started this relationship with the intent of seeing if we were compatible for marriage, because we are both ready for that step in life) and yet never had an all-out fight. Disagreements? yes, naturally. But we have not had a 'fight'. And I don't beat around the bush about stuff. I am very direct and open and honest. As well as very perceptive(some say its annoying but they love how much I care about their issues and problems in life) And some women hate it. But most value it. And she too respects and values me and my commitment to retain my virginity. She has even thanked me for it a few times.

  • practicalhappiness.c

    Thanks, that's the mindset I was looking for. I am glad to hear it.

  • admin

    My pleasure. Again, you should stop worrying about statistics and about other guys. We all have a different path and move at our own pace. Some people lose virginity at 12 and others lose at 30 or later. Who knows what’s better or if there is any such thing as “better.”

    And about statistics – do I really need to bring you examples of how meaningless statistics can be? Just read some of them on just about any issue and see for yourself if they reflect your own reality.

  • Guanetidino

    Arkady, you are right!

    A lot of statistics don't reflect my own reality.

    Your words really make me happy, believe me. Now I feel like a normal man with just a passing state to live.

    My last question is this: would you tell a girl that you are virgin even in case of a one night stand?

    I have understood a lot of things from your posts, really important things:

    1) Nothing wrong with being virgin;

    2) For a lot of girls don't matter if a guy is virgin.

    However, I haven't really understood why telling I am virgin is so necessary.

    I mean: I could hide the truth not because i think being virgin is wrong, but for a question of privacy. What do you think.

    P.S.: I would like you to know that your previous posts really help me feel better! Thanks very much!

  • Guanetidino

    Arkady, really really really thank you for your words.

    The way you reply is really satisfying for the reader.

    You are right: comparisons are sterile.

    I am just a bit discouraged from statistics: very few people have lost their virginity at the age of 26. Incredible.

    Do you think I should tell the truth even if it will be just a two days adventure?

    Thank you again!

  • admin

    Great questions again.

    First, of course some girls will assume that, just like they assume that if a guy is alone somewhere where normally people are in groups, something must be weird about him. But that's ok. You can't change that and it's not your problem. I want to remind you that being a virgin is a VERY temporary problem. You should cherish the moments leading up to your first experience as those are memorable and will not be relived.

    You probably shouldn't talk about it as soon as you meet someone, but simply make a joke out of it at a point where it's obvious that things are heating up and you are supposed to have sex. You might just be surprised that a girl won't find it to be either big or bad news, especially if she is smart and has some experience. Saying something like "I am probably not the most experienced guy when it comes to this that you ever met" might be a hint good enough to a girl with perception and intuition.

    It's very important that you STOP comparing yourself to other guys. We all have different lives and circumstances. It's unfair and useless to measure yourself against other guys.

    Lastly, acting like you know what you are doing is possible, but it's not worth it. You should stop being ashamed of this temporary "condition."

  • Guanetidino

    Thank you.

    The fact is that I think people don't understand. I think that a girl could ask herself: "If he is a confident, handsome guy, what's the reason why he is still virgin? Maybe he has some kind of psychological problems."

    In reality, I know there is nothing wrong in me: I have just lived out of my house less than other people, daydreaming about love without doing anything, and being hostile to the entire world.

    Now that I am 26, confident, girls find me attractive, friends follow me and hold me in high esteem, I would like to be a mature man like the others. A man that can have a normal one night stand without making the girl understand that he is virgin.

    Probably a girl who loves me could be happy to discover that I am virgin. But I am in a phase of my life in which I am not in search for my special someone.

    I would like to be a man like the others, without telling my story.

    However, if you think it is necessary to tell the truth, I'll do it.

    Do you think that having a non-virgin behaviour is impossible during the first sexual experience?

    My little brother seems confident, but he has had a lapse during his first time: his erection hasn't been enough.

    Is it so difficult being normal during the first sexual experience?

    Thanks for everything!

  • admin

    Great question. First, you need to stop making it sound like being a virgin at 26 makes you somehow defective or it is some kind of permanent mark that makes you inferior. Being a virgin will change in a few minutes, so don't worry about it.

    I don't think hiding from a girl that you are virgin is a good idea. First, it will put more pressure on you. More importantly, most girls will know you are a virgin based on your behavior. There is no point in hiding it. A girl who likes you will find it endearing, charming and even special that they deal with a guy who has never been with a woman. How often do you think this happens to any girl? Not that often.

  • Guanetidino

    Hello, Arkady. I really would like to ask you a question.

    I am 26, but I have never had sex in my life. I know the reasons:

    1) I felt in love with two girls in my life without doing anything to obtain them; they both had a boyfriend and I have never had the courage of trying hard to get them; 4 years spent for one and 4 years for the other… without considering other girls.

    2) Introverted character.

    3) A lot of time spent in my house.

    Now I am different: I am sociable, I am confident, a lot of girls think that I am attractive (the fact that I am handsome helps me). But these changes are recent, so I am 26 and still virgin. I have had two girlfriends, but these relationships have been short, so without sex.

    Now I feel attractive, but I can't tolerate the fact that, because of my past, I am still virgin.

    My question is:

    Can I avoid to inform my first future sexual partner about my virginity? Is there a chance that she won't notice that for me it will be the first time?

    The fact is that my story is only mine: people don't understand, so I don't really want my story to be known.

    What is your opinion?