Jul 17 2008
When you are a virgin but the girl is not
Many guys face this emotional challenge early on in their dating lives before they had any sexual experience with women and when they are still virgins. They start going out with a girl, they start liking her and develop feelings for her and then – they find out that the girl is not as “innocent” as they are – she is not a virgin.
In that situation, a typical guy, who doesn’t have any sexual experience and who is still a virgin, finds it difficult to get used to the idea that the girl is not as “pure,” “clean” and innocent as he is. It bothers him, and he often can’t help but be upset by it. He realizes that he can’t blame the girl for anything and that she really didn’t do anything wrong by simply having had greater dating and sexual experience and possibly relationships in the past, but it still bothers him. He starts “interrogating” the girl, asking her all kinds of invasive questions about her past sex life out of his overwhelming curiosity, but this only makes things worse and makes him even angrier and more frustrated – primarily with himself and his inability to conquer his feelings toward the girl’s sexual past and the fact that she is not a virgin like he is, especially if the girl answers his questions.
So, what are the reasons for this frustration? First, a guy who is a virgin might feel that it’s somewhat unfair that he is “clean” but the girl is not. He might believe that he is giving more than he is receiving when he is a virgin and the girl has already been “used.” Secondly and more importantly, the guy will feel jealous of the fact that the girl who he likes so much has had an intimate experience with another guy, shared some very special moments with someone before she met him, and that for her it wouldn’t be as special being with him now as it is for him.
This emotional challenge is important to overcome for any guy in that situation, so that he can enjoy his interaction with the girl who he likes so much, and so that he can have a healthier emotional state while avoiding unnecessary conflicts with the girl.
If you are a guy who faces the above challenges, I would like to suggest to you two very effective things that you can do to overcome this problem:
1. Put a positive spin on the fact that the girl has all that sexual experience. Why? Because it is indeed mostly positive. Her sexual experience will help both of you during the first time that you have sex with her. She might teach you a few things that you wouldn’t have learned from a girl who has never been with the guy before. And be assured that it doesn’t help doing it for the first time with a girl who, like you, doesn’t know what she is doing. It will only make you even more nervous than you will already be and will make it all the more difficult and more awkward to have sex and enjoy it.
2. More importantly, it’s very important that you stop idolizing your relationship with this girl. You must stop seeking perfection from every aspect of your dating situation. Guess what, sooner or later you will realize that just like any other relationship, this dating situation is not perfect. You will have arguments, fights and other problems. You will likely break up and there will be many other women in your life after that girl, who was your first sexual partner. So stop worrying or expecting her to be as pure and untouched as you are. It doesn’t really matter. She is not your belonging. You don’t own her, you cannot and you should not control her. Leave the past in the past and move on. Focus on the present, perceive your interaction and your initial sexual experience with her as a valuable lesson and an introduction to your dating life, and this mindset will serve you well.
And also remember – the only reason you are still a virgin and she is not is because you haven’t met anyone with whom you wanted and could have had sex with. It’s purely matter of timing – she just happened to meet someone she liked and was attracted to earlier than you did, so who can blame her for that?
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12 responses so far
Hello, Arkady. I really would like to ask you a question.
I am 26, but I have never had sex in my life. I know the reasons:
1) I felt in love with two girls in my life without doing anything to obtain them; they both had a boyfriend and I have never had the courage of trying hard to get them; 4 years spent for one and 4 years for the other… without considering other girls.
2) Introverted character.
3) A lot of time spent in my house.
Now I am different: I am sociable, I am confident, a lot of girls think that I am attractive (the fact that I am handsome helps me). But these changes are recent, so I am 26 and still virgin. I have had two girlfriends, but these relationships have been short, so without sex.
Now I feel attractive, but I can’t tolerate the fact that, because of my past, I am still virgin.
My question is:
Can I avoid to inform my first future sexual partner about my virginity? Is there a chance that she won’t notice that for me it will be the first time?
The fact is that my story is only mine: people don’t understand, so I don’t really want my story to be known.
What is your opinion?
Great question. First, you need to stop making it sound like being a virgin at 26 makes you somehow defective or it is some kind of permanent mark that makes you inferior. Being a virgin will change in a few minutes, so don’t worry about it.
I don’t think hiding from a girl that you are virgin is a good idea. First, it will put more pressure on you. More importantly, most girls will know you are a virgin based on your behavior. There is no point in hiding it. A girl who likes you will find it endearing, charming and even special that they deal with a guy who has never been with a woman. How often do you think this happens to any girl? Not that often.
Thank you.
The fact is that I think people don’t understand. I think that a girl could ask herself: “If he is a confident, handsome guy, what’s the reason why he is still virgin? Maybe he has some kind of psychological problems.”
In reality, I know there is nothing wrong in me: I have just lived out of my house less than other people, daydreaming about love without doing anything, and being hostile to the entire world.
Now that I am 26, confident, girls find me attractive, friends follow me and hold me in high esteem, I would like to be a mature man like the others. A man that can have a normal one night stand without making the girl understand that he is virgin.
Probably a girl who loves me could be happy to discover that I am virgin. But I am in a phase of my life in which I am not in search for my special someone.
I would like to be a man like the others, without telling my story.
However, if you think it is necessary to tell the truth, I’ll do it.
Do you think that having a non-virgin behaviour is impossible during the first sexual experience?
My little brother seems confident, but he has had a lapse during his first time: his erection hasn’t been enough.
Is it so difficult being normal during the first sexual experience?
Thanks for everything!
Great questions again.
First, of course some girls will assume that, just like they assume that if a guy is alone somewhere where normally people are in groups, something must be weird about him. But that’s ok. You can’t change that and it’s not your problem. I want to remind you that being a virgin is a VERY temporary problem. You should cherish the moments leading up to your first experience as those are memorable and will not be relived.
You probably shouldn’t talk about it as soon as you meet someone, but simply make a joke out of it at a point where it’s obvious that things are heating up and you are supposed to have sex. You might just be surprised that a girl won’t find it to be either big or bad news, especially if she is smart and has some experience. Saying something like “I am probably not the most experienced guy when it comes to this that you ever met” might be a hint good enough to a girl with perception and intuition.
It’s very important that you STOP comparing yourself to other guys. We all have different lives and circumstances. It’s unfair and useless to measure yourself against other guys.
Lastly, acting like you know what you are doing is possible, but it’s not worth it. You should stop being ashamed of this temporary “condition.”
Arkady, really really really thank you for your words.
The way you reply is really satisfying for the reader.
You are right: comparisons are sterile.
I am just a bit discouraged from statistics: very few people have lost their virginity at the age of 26. Incredible.
Do you think I should tell the truth even if it will be just a two days adventure?
Thank you again!
My pleasure. Again, you should stop worrying about statistics and about other guys. We all have a different path and move at our own pace. Some people lose virginity at 12 and others lose at 30 or later. Who knows what’s better or if there is any such thing as “better.”
And about statistics – do I really need to bring you examples of how meaningless statistics can be? Just read some of them on just about any issue and see for yourself if they reflect your own reality.
Arkady, you are right!
A lot of statistics don’t reflect my own reality.
Your words really make me happy, believe me. Now I feel like a normal man with just a passing state to live.
My last question is this: would you tell a girl that you are virgin even in case of a one night stand?
I have understood a lot of things from your posts, really important things:
1) Nothing wrong with being virgin;
2) For a lot of girls don’t matter if a guy is virgin.
However, I haven’t really understood why telling I am virgin is so necessary.
I mean: I could hide the truth not because i think being virgin is wrong, but for a question of privacy. What do you think.
P.S.: I would like you to know that your previous posts really help me feel better! Thanks very much!
Thanks, that’s the mindset I was looking for. I am glad to hear it.
@Guanetidino:
You can actually be proud of your virginity.
It is rare for a guy to be able to offer a woman that gift. I am 25 and I have actually turned down sex on many occasions and with several very serious relationships (even while I was engaged) because I wanted to save that gift for my wife. My engagement fell through and I was again single and proudly still had my gift to give to whoever becomes my wife.
I believe that it is also the highest respect I can show a woman. That I value her enough to wait until I am married to her to have sex, and if we don’t get married that neither she nor I will have to carry those memories. That way we are able to focus on the other very important parts of a relationship. Since my broken engagement I have had a few girlfriends come and go. And I have had some deep relationships with them. I try to avoid becoming physically intimate early in the relationship. And always refuse sex. This way I can show my respect for them, and show my affection for them. My ex-fiancee’ said that it meant so much to her that I loved her enough to refuse what I so strongly desired.
In my case it showed self control and commitment. And these are greatly important things in life. And as I moved from one relationship to another, each woman was openly appreciative of my commitment and self control. It made them feel safe and gave them security and control. Things that are important for woman. They want to trust you with their lives and yet not be owned by you.
The best relationships I’ve had are the ones where we were truly best friends first and foremost, GF&BF second and lovers lastly. (Most guys, sadly, want it the other way around. And women don’t.)
I have had a number of relationships and by focusing on friendship and compatibility first, and then being lovers, I was able to find women who not only wanted to be with me, but wanted to be my life partner. But be careful when they move that way too fast, they might be wearing rose-colored glasses and will overlook important things. Thats why I avoid the physical relationship as much as possible, so that I myself can remain objective.
Its just my 2-cents but I hope it helps.
-The Bear
I have to add that I am currently in a relationship that is so promising that I am thankful the others have failed! She is the most wonderful woman I have ever met. AND, she is everything I was looking for.
(be careful that as you age you dont get too picky, and remember what you loved about each girl you were with)
I was patient, consistent, knew what I wanted and knew when to draw the line and end it.
(and don’t be too hurt if you get dumped, its usually a good thing)
After six months of being together we’ve had allot of deep discussions(we started this relationship with the intent of seeing if we were compatible for marriage, because we are both ready for that step in life) and yet never had an all-out fight. Disagreements? yes, naturally. But we have not had a ‘fight’. And I don’t beat around the bush about stuff. I am very direct and open and honest. As well as very perceptive(some say its annoying but they love how much I care about their issues and problems in life) And some women hate it. But most value it. And she too respects and values me and my commitment to retain my virginity. She has even thanked me for it a few times.
Thanks for sharing your personal experience. Hopefully, this will be helpful to all those guys and women who think that virginity is something they have to get rid of urgently and that it is some kind of blemish in them. The reality is that it is a wonderful thing if perceived the right away and if one knows how to disregard the social pressure.
Thank you for letting me share. I know it isn’t really on subject the whole time but I wanted to share like you said; that virginity is not something that has to be tossed away.
And in my personal opinion, it should be cherished; it is of great value.
Resisting social pressure and standing on what you see as right, makes one a stronger person, someone to be admired.