Many guys face this emotional challenge early on in their dating lives before they had any sexual experience with women and when they are still virgins. They start going out with a girl, they start liking her and develop feelings for her and then – they find out that the girl is not as “innocent” as they are – she is not a virgin.
In that situation, a typical guy, who doesn’t have any sexual experience and who is still a virgin, finds it difficult to get used to the idea that the girl is not as “pure,” “clean” and innocent as he is. It bothers him, and he often can’t help but be upset by it. He realizes that he can’t blame the girl for anything and that she really didn’t do anything wrong by simply having had greater dating and sexual experience and possibly relationships in the past, but it still bothers him. He starts “interrogating” the girl, asking her all kinds of invasive questions about her past sex life out of his overwhelming curiosity, but this only makes things worse and makes him even angrier and more frustrated – primarily with himself and his inability to conquer his feelings toward the girl’s sexual past and the fact that she is not a virgin like he is, especially if the girl answers his questions.
So, what are the reasons for this frustration? First, a guy who is a virgin might feel that it’s somewhat unfair that he is “clean” but the girl is not. He might believe that he is giving more than he is receiving when he is a virgin and the girl has already been “used.” Secondly and more importantly, the guy will feel jealous of the fact that the girl who he likes so much has had an intimate experience with another guy, shared some very special moments with someone before she met him, and that for her it wouldn’t be as special being with him now as it is for him.
This emotional challenge is important to overcome for any guy in that situation, so that he can enjoy his interaction with the girl who he likes so much, and so that he can have a healthier emotional state while avoiding unnecessary conflicts with the girl.
If you are a guy who faces the above challenges, I would like to suggest to you two very effective things that you can do to overcome this problem:
1. Put a positive spin on the fact that the girl has all that sexual experience. Why? Because it is indeed mostly positive. Her sexual experience will help both of you during the first time that you have sex with her. She might teach you a few things that you wouldn’t have learned from a girl who has never been with the guy before. And be assured that it doesn’t help doing it for the first time with a girl who, like you, doesn’t know what she is doing. It will only make you even more nervous than you will already be and will make it all the more difficult and more awkward to have sex and enjoy it.
2. More importantly, it’s very important that you stop idolizing your relationship with this girl. You must stop seeking perfection from every aspect of your dating situation. Guess what, sooner or later you will realize that just like any other relationship, this dating situation is not perfect. You will have arguments, fights and other problems. You will likely break up and there will be many other women in your life after that girl, who was your first sexual partner. So stop worrying or expecting her to be as pure and untouched as you are. It doesn’t really matter. She is not your belonging. You don’t own her, you cannot and you should not control her. Leave the past in the past and move on. Focus on the present, perceive your interaction and your initial sexual experience with her as a valuable lesson and an introduction to your dating life, and this mindset will serve you well.
And also remember – the only reason you are still a virgin and she is not is because you haven’t met anyone with whom you wanted and could have had sex with. It’s purely matter of timing – she just happened to meet someone she liked and was attracted to earlier than you did, so who can blame her for that?
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Hello, Arkady. I really would like to ask you a question.
I am 26, but I have never had sex in my life. I know the reasons:
1) I felt in love with two girls in my life without doing anything to obtain them; they both had a boyfriend and I have never had the courage of trying hard to get them; 4 years spent for one and 4 years for the other… without considering other girls.
2) Introverted character.
3) A lot of time spent in my house.
Now I am different: I am sociable, I am confident, a lot of girls think that I am attractive (the fact that I am handsome helps me). But these changes are recent, so I am 26 and still virgin. I have had two girlfriends, but these relationships have been short, so without sex.
Now I feel attractive, but I can’t tolerate the fact that, because of my past, I am still virgin.
My question is:
Can I avoid to inform my first future sexual partner about my virginity? Is there a chance that she won’t notice that for me it will be the first time?
The fact is that my story is only mine: people don’t understand, so I don’t really want my story to be known.
What is your opinion?
Great question. First, you need to stop making it sound like being a virgin at 26 makes you somehow defective or it is some kind of permanent mark that makes you inferior. Being a virgin will change in a few minutes, so don’t worry about it.
I don’t think hiding from a girl that you are virgin is a good idea. First, it will put more pressure on you. More importantly, most girls will know you are a virgin based on your behavior. There is no point in hiding it. A girl who likes you will find it endearing, charming and even special that they deal with a guy who has never been with a woman. How often do you think this happens to any girl? Not that often.
Thank you.
The fact is that I think people don’t understand. I think that a girl could ask herself: “If he is a confident, handsome guy, what’s the reason why he is still virgin? Maybe he has some kind of psychological problems.”
In reality, I know there is nothing wrong in me: I have just lived out of my house less than other people, daydreaming about love without doing anything, and being hostile to the entire world.
Now that I am 26, confident, girls find me attractive, friends follow me and hold me in high esteem, I would like to be a mature man like the others. A man that can have a normal one night stand without making the girl understand that he is virgin.
Probably a girl who loves me could be happy to discover that I am virgin. But I am in a phase of my life in which I am not in search for my special someone.
I would like to be a man like the others, without telling my story.
However, if you think it is necessary to tell the truth, I’ll do it.
Do you think that having a non-virgin behaviour is impossible during the first sexual experience?
My little brother seems confident, but he has had a lapse during his first time: his erection hasn’t been enough.
Is it so difficult being normal during the first sexual experience?
Thanks for everything!
Great questions again.
First, of course some girls will assume that, just like they assume that if a guy is alone somewhere where normally people are in groups, something must be weird about him. But that’s ok. You can’t change that and it’s not your problem. I want to remind you that being a virgin is a VERY temporary problem. You should cherish the moments leading up to your first experience as those are memorable and will not be relived.
You probably shouldn’t talk about it as soon as you meet someone, but simply make a joke out of it at a point where it’s obvious that things are heating up and you are supposed to have sex. You might just be surprised that a girl won’t find it to be either big or bad news, especially if she is smart and has some experience. Saying something like “I am probably not the most experienced guy when it comes to this that you ever met” might be a hint good enough to a girl with perception and intuition.
It’s very important that you STOP comparing yourself to other guys. We all have different lives and circumstances. It’s unfair and useless to measure yourself against other guys.
Lastly, acting like you know what you are doing is possible, but it’s not worth it. You should stop being ashamed of this temporary “condition.”
Arkady, really really really thank you for your words.
The way you reply is really satisfying for the reader.
You are right: comparisons are sterile.
I am just a bit discouraged from statistics: very few people have lost their virginity at the age of 26. Incredible.
Do you think I should tell the truth even if it will be just a two days adventure?
Thank you again!
My pleasure. Again, you should stop worrying about statistics and about other guys. We all have a different path and move at our own pace. Some people lose virginity at 12 and others lose at 30 or later. Who knows what’s better or if there is any such thing as “better.”
And about statistics – do I really need to bring you examples of how meaningless statistics can be? Just read some of them on just about any issue and see for yourself if they reflect your own reality.
Arkady, you are right!
A lot of statistics don’t reflect my own reality.
Your words really make me happy, believe me. Now I feel like a normal man with just a passing state to live.
My last question is this: would you tell a girl that you are virgin even in case of a one night stand?
I have understood a lot of things from your posts, really important things:
1) Nothing wrong with being virgin;
2) For a lot of girls don’t matter if a guy is virgin.
However, I haven’t really understood why telling I am virgin is so necessary.
I mean: I could hide the truth not because i think being virgin is wrong, but for a question of privacy. What do you think.
P.S.: I would like you to know that your previous posts really help me feel better! Thanks very much!
Thanks, that’s the mindset I was looking for. I am glad to hear it.
@Guanetidino:
You can actually be proud of your virginity.
It is rare for a guy to be able to offer a woman that gift. I am 25 and I have actually turned down sex on many occasions and with several very serious relationships (even while I was engaged) because I wanted to save that gift for my wife. My engagement fell through and I was again single and proudly still had my gift to give to whoever becomes my wife.
I believe that it is also the highest respect I can show a woman. That I value her enough to wait until I am married to her to have sex, and if we don’t get married that neither she nor I will have to carry those memories. That way we are able to focus on the other very important parts of a relationship. Since my broken engagement I have had a few girlfriends come and go. And I have had some deep relationships with them. I try to avoid becoming physically intimate early in the relationship. And always refuse sex. This way I can show my respect for them, and show my affection for them. My ex-fiancee’ said that it meant so much to her that I loved her enough to refuse what I so strongly desired.
In my case it showed self control and commitment. And these are greatly important things in life. And as I moved from one relationship to another, each woman was openly appreciative of my commitment and self control. It made them feel safe and gave them security and control. Things that are important for woman. They want to trust you with their lives and yet not be owned by you.
The best relationships I’ve had are the ones where we were truly best friends first and foremost, GF&BF second and lovers lastly. (Most guys, sadly, want it the other way around. And women don’t.)
I have had a number of relationships and by focusing on friendship and compatibility first, and then being lovers, I was able to find women who not only wanted to be with me, but wanted to be my life partner. But be careful when they move that way too fast, they might be wearing rose-colored glasses and will overlook important things. Thats why I avoid the physical relationship as much as possible, so that I myself can remain objective.
Its just my 2-cents but I hope it helps.
-The Bear
I have to add that I am currently in a relationship that is so promising that I am thankful the others have failed! She is the most wonderful woman I have ever met. AND, she is everything I was looking for.
(be careful that as you age you dont get too picky, and remember what you loved about each girl you were with)
I was patient, consistent, knew what I wanted and knew when to draw the line and end it.
(and don’t be too hurt if you get dumped, its usually a good thing)
After six months of being together we’ve had allot of deep discussions(we started this relationship with the intent of seeing if we were compatible for marriage, because we are both ready for that step in life) and yet never had an all-out fight. Disagreements? yes, naturally. But we have not had a ‘fight’. And I don’t beat around the bush about stuff. I am very direct and open and honest. As well as very perceptive(some say its annoying but they love how much I care about their issues and problems in life) And some women hate it. But most value it. And she too respects and values me and my commitment to retain my virginity. She has even thanked me for it a few times.
Thanks for sharing your personal experience. Hopefully, this will be helpful to all those guys and women who think that virginity is something they have to get rid of urgently and that it is some kind of blemish in them. The reality is that it is a wonderful thing if perceived the right away and if one knows how to disregard the social pressure.
Thank you for letting me share. I know it isn’t really on subject the whole time but I wanted to share like you said; that virginity is not something that has to be tossed away.
And in my personal opinion, it should be cherished; it is of great value.
Resisting social pressure and standing on what you see as right, makes one a stronger person, someone to be admired.
I am 25, I do have the same problem but vise versa. In my case, i am not a virgin but she is virgin.
As i had a very guilty feeling,i told her that i am not a virgin.
She is very angry on me and is there any change that she might take me back ?
Hello, Sham. I am not sure why you should feel guilty. I understand that a girl who is a virgin would be very sensitive, but expecting you to be a virgin is not really reasonable or fair. If you have some kind of relationship/s before meeting this girl, why should you feel guilty about it.
I just have this to say. Why did you just suggest something like “If you don’t want to have sex with a girl that is not a virgin, don’t have sex with her.” Honestly I am a virgin and 100% devoted to loosing my virginity to a virgin. Even though the first might not be the last, why did you make it sound like any man (or woman’s) virginity is so unspecial? I want to be able to share this experience with a woman that is equally able to share in this experience with me. Having sex with a woman that is not a virgin, what does she really have to give? Where is her excitement? What does she understand? She’s already been though it. I couldn’t stand that! I like to think my virginity atleast meant something, at least when I was a virgin.
Hello, Scott.
The purpose of the article is quite different – to help virgin men overcome the obstacle of perceiving women who are not virgins in a negative light. Of course, it is your choice to have your first time with a girl who is also a virgin, and I have nothing but respect for this choice, but if you were to fall in love with someone who is not a virgin, this article suggests some tips on how to help that fact not stand in your way.
I find what everyone has said to be very interesting. I agree 100% with this article. I to have lost my virginity to a non-virgin girl and have had many arguements and rough times due to feeling that she had used me in some sort of way since the first couple of times I never ejaculated. Turns out she was just shy and unconfident when it should of been the other way around. I believe virginity does not hold any sort of special meaning. Just because you haven’t engaged in sex does not mean that somebody who has, has one up’ed you or has received something you never will. People act like sex holds such a special meaning that it is ridiculus. It is simply an act that can be committed through a ton of different reasons such as love, lust, jealousy, uncontrollable arousal, rape, or even curiousity. To have sex out of pure love is a very nice thing but when you honestly break it all down, sex is simply an act based on your sex drive. To say it holds a special meaning pertaining to one thing (love) is ignorance.
So enjoy your virginity as you will more than likely loose it one day. Enjoy sex as more of an act instead of something that is strictly based on one particular thing.
After reading the main post I can say that my current situation is almost exactly that. Im 18 and about a year ago got into a relationship with a girl (also 18) knowing she’d had a fair bit of previous experience while I had none. We “did the deed” so to speak and everything seemed alright for a while.
After a month or so I began to get frustrated and annoyed at the lack of experience i’d had and the fact that she’d managed to find the right people to have those experiences with while i’d completly wasted a good few years. This led to me overthinking it alot and even snapping at my girlfriend after i’d been drinking too much. She knows how I feel and the subject is brought up on a fairly regular basis which usually involves an argument. We’re still together and most of the time I pretend as if it doesnt bother me when it really is a big burden to carry. While we’re still young and anything can happen im not knocking the potential for a far future relationship aside and worry that my anger and will remain regardless of how long we are together.
Thanks, Cat Hat.
hey arkady ive had a long distance relationship with a girl for about 4months we talked alot in the begining part of the relationship but now she tells me shes busy alot but she says she loves me more than i know and we both planned on future things such as where and what we’ll be doing she calls me her husband to be we never talked by phone or met in person only by txt and pictures my question is,is this a sure thing? should i continue to uh try and keep this relationship going? thanks in advance
i dont agree to “And also remember – the only reason you are still a virgin and she is not is because you haven’t met anyone with whom you wanted and could have had sex with. ”
I am 23, a virgin who left a non virgin girl coz she lied.. I am a virgin by choice coz I had the opportunity to sleep with two girls in my life.. but i knew my limits and I knew I wont give myself until i am very sure.. the heartbreaks later are just not worth it..
If you CARE FOR YOU FUTURE PARTNER, YOULL UNDERSTAND.. IF YOU JUST CARE FOR YOUR SELFISHNESS, YOU WONT GET A THING..
DO TO OTHERS AS YOU WANT FOR YOURSELF..
Thats lifes first religion..
Haha thank you Google!
I know this post was for men but I had to see the male point of view on the subject. . . Although it is frustrating how some believe that virginity is a sacred thing, a lot of women just view sex as sex and assume men are the same. In my mind, it is utterly natural and there really is no special meaning behind sex. Sex really IS just sex. But, if you actually care About the woman you’re with, her purity status shouldn’t mean a thing to you.
Thanks for the perspective!
-Mia Dear
one of the fundamentals of social interaction is that people will behave according to the way you do. so if you act as if it’s not a big deal to YOURSELF that you are a virgin (if necessary make it a point that you are one due to personal principles, that you are waiting for someone special) then the girl will behave accordingly and respect you for it. the more convincing and care-free (or even proud) you act regarding the issue, the more respect you get from the girl. on the other hand, if you fumble and treat the issue as if it’s a fault on your part, then the girl will see through your insecurity and start losing respect.
this reminds me of an episode on Friends, where Monica found out that her boyfriend had only had sex with 2 women during his entire life (keep in mind that he’s her father’s friend and age), one of whom is Monica herself and the other his ex wife. an insecure guy would be embarrassed and try to hide this fact. but this guy is so confident that he volunteered the information himself, didnt make a big deal out of it and was even proud of it due to its being congruent with his personal principle (that he only has sex with women he loves). needless to say how Monica reacted to this.
and needless to say what you should learn from this
Maybe if i found out that the girl is not virgin…. hmm i’ll just have sex wit her and leave her ASAP X-D well like this topic says…. no one own me as well… no need to be pure and committed if many of the women today is not pure and uncommitted as well.
I am proud of 22 years of virginity, saving it for my love.
I am not psychologically ill, i am just a good and Innocent boy.
And how can i come over my feelings, when i see the one i loved for years has lost her virginity over a very low class idiot?
The way to overcome this is by taking this is a painful yet valuable lesson, that sometimes or even more often than that you don’t get what you want or expect, but you have to roll with the punches and move forward, because your life goes on.
I would rather live without sex then, i want my first time experience to be something special we share not something where in a complete idiot who has to get advice from the other.
I am also a 22 year old virgin. The reason i havent lost my virginity bcuz i dont have the social comfort and self confidence and self esteem. Even though i am tryin 2 improve on those things. Ive come to realise that being a virgin is the right way to go because of the amount of STIs and STDs out there, and also being a virgin makes me feel pure, clean and untouched by contaminated souls.
I believe the person that took my virginity should be the one that I spend the rest of my life with. No divorces or break ups, till death do us part.
i want to lose my virginity with a virgin bcuz It will equally fair to both of us. I dont want to be walking down the road holding hands with a girl who have had sex with more than 10 guys it will make me feel very uncomfortable when she happens to meet one of her ex-boyfriend introduces me them and the guy turn out to be a really tall black guy, the first thing that it going to pop in my head is two of them having sex and it will also come to my conclusion that her goods are wrecked LOL!! , I dont want any second hand girl. And also if I am not performing as well as her ex boyfriends, she will seek the performance she desires behind my back which will in return STI and STD for me. Non virgins set a standard of pleasure when they experience it and I might not measure up to it. literally!! LOL
i dont the believe that BS about two virgins will have no experience, there a endless amount of information on books, movies and of course in internet about sex. We can read and experiment or watch movies, “monkey see monkey do”
My question is?
how will i know if she is a virgin? Can I ask her the same time i bust a move on her? because I dont want to waste time on her, the time wasted could have been spent on a girl who is a virgin.
I think it’s better to bring up the issue of virginity earlier and not when you are trying to “bust a move” as it might ruin the move or make things less romantic.
I think you can transition into it in a casual conversation, and ask the girl about her experience with men.
Also, your idea of losing virginity and staying with the same person for the rest of your life sounds wonderful, and it’s great to aspire to that, but you also much be ready for things not to work out exactly as you wish. Sometimes things change and people change. And while you may be able to vow for yourself, there simply isn’t a way to know how your partner will be a month, a year, or 10 years from now. Hoping for the best, but being ready for the worst is an important mindset to have.
Im 17 and in high school. So my girlfriend told me she’s not a virgin and I am. I felt everything that you described in the article. I like her a lot but it kills me to know that she’s already had sex and I’m this douche who hasn’t. Our relationship is healthy and we don’t fight often, but I really want to have sex and just get this shi* over with. We’ve talked about it together, but the fact of her not being a virgin and me being a “pussy” just really pisses me off. It feels shameful. Please can you tell me more positives out of this situation that you haven’t already listed? Cause I feel like I’m going crazy.
Hi
Thanks a lot for this article, and your website in general. I found myself in exactly this situation. It was however worsened by the fact that it happened in a religious set up. I was a devout Christian, and follower of what you’d call a fundamentalist sect. In my perception, everyone in our group was devout and ‘pure’. So you can imagine the disappointment when at 27 and still a virgin, I found someone I really liked, who had been in the system all her life. Man, I was over the moon! She was everything I wanted; beautiful, younger, and more importantly still a virgin, well until she broke the news. As it turned out she had lost her flower some years back, and had had sexual interactions with several men afterwards. As it turned out she had been in a sexual relationship at the time I ‘found’ her! This was both shocking and life changing. I went through the same emotions you’ve described above, but in a more intense way. At that point I started re-evaluating my life and values. I decided religion would no longer play a role in my life, and decided to be more ‘open’. We’re married now, and after going through one storm after another, I’m beginning to cherish her love, loyalty, patience, and maturity. I know that if she had wanted, she would have run off and easily found other men of better status. Be that as it may, I find myself in an awkward situation; I feel I have to make up for ‘the lost years’. I’ve started dating other women, not so much for sex than for improving my confidence, and ego. I’m sure you know what I mean.