As I point out in my audio program “20 Laws of Successful Relationships”, being jealous of your partners’ ex and comparing yourself to an ex is pointless and even harmful to your own self-esteem and your present relationship. Wondering if that person who was in your partner’s past was better than you, more attractive than you and had a better romantic time and emotional connection with your current partner than you do is unhealthy for many reasons. This kind of jealousy and comparison would make you come across as insecure and thus unattractive and also as plainly annoying to your partner. Further, it is likely to make you very unhappy. Instead of focusing on the present and enjoying your own dating situation and your relationship, being hung up on what your dating partner did before he/she even met you will literally drive you crazy and prevent you from making the most out of your own relationship. Luckily, there are several, simple and proven to be effective ways you can overcome this issue and liberate yourself from being jealous of our partner’s ex(-es):
1. Realize that there is always someone “better” out there, so being jealous of exes is pointless.
This is just the nature of life. There is always someone out there who is more educated, more professionally accomplished, more physically attractive and more otherwise attractive than you are, no matter who you are. There is nothing wrong with it, and this is just life. But this shouldn’t make any difference to your own life and your own sense of self-worth. After all, we all have our own path in life, our own unique set of circumstances, talents, abilities and opportunities. Your mission should be not being the best out there at any costs but making the most out of what you have, and being the best person that you can be considering all the circumstances of your life, and all your great qualities as well as limitations. Nobody can take the opportunity to do just that from you. If you are too short, or if you have some physical disability or if no matter how hard you try, you can’t get that GMAT score to get you to the best school, you might not be able to do much about those natural limitations. But there is a lot you can do to improve other aspects of who you are – your style, your manner of communication, your sense of humor, and your level of fitness among other things. And as long as you do what’s in your power to improve yourself, you should feel good about yourself.
2. Remember: your partner is with you and not with his/her ex for a reason.
There has to be a reason why your partner is with you and not with his ex or with someone else out there or alone. It’s because he/she wants to be with you and not with that other person that he/she used to be with before meeting you. There must be something about you that he likes and appreciates that makes you more desirable than others. You might not even see or know what it is that is so special about you that your partner finds attractive and interesting in you, but that doesn’t really matter. You might think that you have to compete with your partner’s ex, but unless you have a reason to believe that it’s not really over between them, you really shouldn’t worry about any such competition. Leave your partner’s past where it belongs – in the past.
3. Accept your partner’s dating past.
Your partner’s love life before he met you is part of his/her life and of who he/she. It is something that actually makes him/her a better and a more experienced partner and lover. You are well aware of the fact that your partner is not a virgin. He has his own history of ups and downs in dating and relationships. The past love life of your partner must have taught him a few valuable lessons about himself and the opposite sex. It’s very likely that his past romantic experience allows him to be a more competent partner now who is less likely to make the same mistakes he did in the past.
Jealousy is a powerful emotion. You should not expect your jealousy to disappear after talking to a friend or an expert once or twice, or reading one article or one self-help book. It takes time to truly overcome and liberate yourself from being jealous. But as you remind yourself of the above points periodically, among doing other things, it will surely help you deal with your jealousy and work toward focusing on your current partner – the person you love and on all of the good things you have together now – and not on his past life and his past dating experiences.
Hi, so my boyfriend is spending time with his ex again. This is the ex that he says “was the one that got away”. He obsessed over her for 7 years, and always wanted her. Now, 4 weeks ago she tried to break us up by spreading lies. But now, he is wanting to be around her more and take on long trips alone with her. While he won’t even help me with the dishes. I was sobbing yesterday and he hugged me only when his game was paused. While she told him a story about her struggles and no he cried.
I know I am comparing, and I have jealousy. It’s just… it hurts yet I don’t wanna keep him separate from people he cares about. And I tried to be her friend, but she’s mean to me. I just don’t know what to do.
@ Kale I am usually against jealousy, but in this type of situation I totally understand why you would feel upset and jealous. I am all for being in touch on a reasonable level, but way crosses those boundaries based on your description. It might be the right time to have that hard, honest talk – does he want to be with her? Then he should be. Is he only with you because he wasn’t able to be with her? If so, it’s not goo for you to settle for that type of situation. Being extremely honest with each and with yourself would critically important to ensuring that you are making the right choices in this situation.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for just over 2 years. Last year we split up for 2 months and after we got back together it came out that he had had a couple of one night stands with a girl before we met but while we had be apart he had a short relationship with that girls younger sister. These girls are people who he see’s regularly as they are part of his brothers in-laws. They all drink in the same pub on a regular basis and he been in contact with the younger one through text recently. I’ve been out with him when the older girl was in the pub a couple of times but recently when I was out with him the both of them were there too. I find it really uncomfortable to be in that situation but he thinks that because we weren’t together at the time that I should just get over it, he’s with me because he loves me and gets way more from our relationship than he ever got from either of them. But I still get anxious about the whole situation, I don’t like him having anything to do with them and I feel that if he had respect for me that he would avoid them. I guess I just want to know are my feelings justified or am I overreacting?
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Hi, when my boyfriend and I first started he was with his last girlfriend, however he had come to this country 1 year prior to meeting me and he admitted he had his flings here before meeting me while he was still in a relationship with her. At the start of our relationship, he told me everything about her from how she liked sex to just every little small detail, how when he first met her he always thought she was going to be the girl he married, he also was thinking of going back to propose to her. However, when he met me things changed and he just went back to end things with her. When he got back he said he couldnt find her so he couldnt end things with her. He told me he couldnt get on a relationship with me until he ended things with her. One day I go to his house from work and i see him crying, he said he had just ended things with her, that image broke my heart and has never left my mind it made me think he still loved her, he explained he wasnt crying for her but the memories they had. He always did tell me that i couldnt get mad if he kept in touch with both his exes, so i just accepted it as is. It has been 3 years and a half since then, we now have a 1 year old daughter and have noticed that as time passes he is more closed off and irritated with me, he says its because we fight a lot and also because i constantly ask him to be sweet and nice to me and also because of how much work and stress he has. I always knew he wasnt the sweet type since we met because he admitted it to me, but I feel that as time has passed he has forgotten about me and seems to tell me things less. Before I never saw that he would message any of his exes only the last girlfriend which he always seems to remember her birthday and always sends her a happy birthday. He basically dosent talk to the first one. Last year he went back to his country and he saw the last girlfriend he had and when he came back he didnt tell me, i found out from someone else and asked him and he said yes that he spoke to her about how i was pregnant and that she had a new boyfriend etc. So 3 days ago I see his email and I see he sent her a happy birthday saying this “Today is a special day. It is your birthday. Happy birthday, and wish you all but the best. take care kisses.” and that message got me so upset which he didnt see, because i realized that he is always mean and gross to me and to her he is being sweet. I told him she had messaged him back and he got defenseless stating that he messaged her for her birthday that that is normal, and that she was his friend. I didnt question him about anything, but his reaction made things worst. So today I went snooping into her facebook and found that he had like 2 pictures she posted 1 with her 1 year relationship boyfriend and one alone. This got me so upset. I dont know if I am over obsessing things but I dont understand why I get mad and snoop around her facebook and dont do that with his first ex. Please help.
I dead on agree with this article. Jealous will get you nowhere, it only damages you. But if your SO is friends or just keeps in touch with there exes I would just keep an eye out on the ex. Exes can be very sneaky esp when they say “I dont want anything ” or the most famous line “were just friends.” Ive seen it happen all too many times were an ex and your current SO are friends, next thing you know they like your SO again, or worse they never stopped. Im not saying be jealous of the ex, but what I am saying is keep an eye on them just in case the ex tries to make advances on your SO. Be aware. And I would keep my eye on the ex until I fully know them for myself, not by what my SO tells me. For example, your boyfriend may not see hisex girlfriends jealously of your guy’s relationship, so as a woman keeping an eye out I would catch on to her jealousy quicker than he would regardless of the fact they use to datenor not. Sometimes men don’t catch on to jealousy signs of women. It takes a woman to know a woman at times. So by getting to know the jealous ex for yourself you’ll see the true colors instead of just taking your boyfriends word on how shes a sweet person, when he just doesn’t see the signs of her. Im not saying dont trust your SO for being friends with there ex, I’m saying dont trust the ex until you get to know them for yourself! Im not saying automatically dont trust the ex, im just saying beware until you know for sure. Give the ex a chance. If the ex is still in your SO life they must be important so it’s important you get to know the important people in your SO life. Just like you get to know your SO family and friends you get to know there exes. Im not saying you have to be friends with the ex, just get to know them. Because don’t automatically judge them and say you dont like them because there an ex.But if you have a gut feeling the ex likes your SO let your SO know. But even worse if you feel like your SO and ex still haven’t let go of there feelings, get gone!
Hello, I have been married for 16 yrs. We dated 3 yrs before marriage. When we first started dating, I knew he had a daughter (then 2yrs old). He was never in her life, which bothered me a lot, considering I have 2 daughters of my own. I asked why he didn’t see her and he said it was because he didn’t have time, as he used to work weekends and they lived about 2 hours away. But when he no longer worked weekends, I would question why he didn’t see her, he claimed he would make a bad father and she was better off without him. When we were at the 2 yr mark in dating, my then boyfriend started talking to his ex, who was recently divorced and moved further away. His daughter was now 4yrs old. At this time we just bought a home together My husband claimed he now wanted to be in his daughters life since she no longer had a father figure. I had strong suspicions that he had feelings for his ex and due to many factors, but no proof. Fast forward a year, and not knowing full extent of what happened between he and his ex, I agreed to marry him, even though I pondered the idea that he had previously wanted his ex back and his daughter was his scapegoat. My suspicions confirmed that he was strongly considering getting back with his ex. He admitted that they used to talk daily and he was going to have them move back closer to him. I feel he didn’t go back to her because she wasn’t in love with him, only using him. I should also mention that she cheated on him, that is why their relationship ended. If he had known for sure she truly loved him, I feel he would have gone back to her. I’m always torn by this and I feel it’s damaging our marriage. What should I do, stay or leave? I truly don’t believe he has any kind of contact with her now.
Hello, Liz. This is a difficult question indeed. I think at this point, it sounds like you still love him, so you have to encourage him to be really honest with you and just as importantly with himself – what is it that he wants and who does he want? What you feel he wants and why is not enough, as you might or might not be right. I think talking to him about it in a non-argumentative or accusatory way but in a way that shows that you understand that his situation is not simple either, while providing him with space to be truly honest is the key to resolving this one way or the other.
Okay, thank you very much!
Let me begin by saying that HONESTY is a major factor for
me. I am a person that hates lying and does not lie as much as possible.
I have been daing this guy for a year and a half now. He is
the sweetest, the best and a very caring partner. He is also of the same
religion as I am which makes it even more perfect. Families get along, social
media even, and a lot of friends and family have been supporting us.
I came from a country where white people are thought
superior and all. By the way my partner is from Canada. I am from Viet.
I normally ask my partners about their past. For me, I am
curious and there is something that makes me interested about the exes. You
know how girls are.
On the first day of dating we have spoken about the ex that
cheated on him, who she was, and I saw how she looked like, her good and bad
sides, what they did. Pretty much all the details. He answered everything in a
normal manner. No sugarcoating, no lies. So even if she was the girl that was
“TO DIE FOR” we still did not argue I admit I felt a bit jealous but
that was it. Nothing really major. Everytime we argue about her it is always
minimal and short.
Then I asked him, who is your other exes, he told me
something about his first girlfriend. A group that he had a band with, the girl
was in it. It was his first girlfriend. Again, there was no issue and jealousy
bouts because I was just told in a normal mode. And then this ex, ugh. I asked
him about her. Sama questions. He said that she was pretty much perfect and
that made her sound like The One That Got Away. Uggh.
And then I got hurt, I cried, he said “Okay from now on
we are talking about the exes” At the time I felt defeated. Okay. And then
months passed. I heard stories about her like how bad, how she was not pretty, she
was described as sleeping around, had acne and being a weird one (like talks to
herself) and very emotionally manipulative and he just stayed because she
scared him with death threats that her brother and dad would hurt him if he
makes her upset or leaves her (the bro and dad we’re in the military) how she
slept with guys and cheated and did not get along with the family and how he
So that makes the miss sweetheart story were lies. Turns out
she wasnt so miss perfect apart from what I was told. It was LIES. He said he
only said it to impress me at the time and he couldn’t really say the truth
because he was embarrassed at how a girl manipulated him around.
Things were going lucky and happy. We were alright and
things were going okay for the relationship. We are the kind of relationship
people would call, GOALS. Until one time, I found little evidences here and
there that kind of shows that his first story about “Miss Perfect” was true.
And then it turns out that she was not horrible as he described him to be.
Needless to say, my trust was broken and I already am very confused as to what
he is saying is true. Because he have lied to me, I cannot discern anymore
which is the truth so the images in my head have mixed up and I have completely
gone crazy that I imagine maybe she was so perfect maybe he was so happy maybe
she was so gorgeous maybe she was great in bed maybe they did so much in that
span of their relationship which upsets me because he told me that he never did
this and that and I was the only one that he did things with.
I came from a country where people look at your Past, we are
kind of conservative where we think that people’s value depreciates along the
way. Like the more relationships or longevity of it, the less you become in the
“market” People would frown over a people that used to live or move in or was
previously married. I also came from a family where I was always compared to my
older sister in aspects that’s why maybe Im insecure. I am not judgmental I
have respect for people that were in long term relationships and ended, or
people that were previously married.
Props to them for being strong. All I am saying is that I cannot stand being
with someone that has so much in his baggage and so much in his past that I
feel like just settling for scraps, left overs and I feel like there is nothing
special about me anymore because I am not someone’s first. I know it is
immature I acknowledge it but what can I do. I just feel so insecure and also
because her girlfriend is Canadian (she is white) and in my country people like
that are seen as superior and we have stereotypes of them like being the best,
beautiful, fun to be with bec they are adventurous and really great in bed. I
wish I could get rid of the insecurity because this is so not fun anymore but
at the same time I don’t want to just drop it because he lied to me and now
even when he is making up for it by telling me the truth about their
relationship, how everything was not as good as I saw it on Facebook, I don’t
believe him anymore andh completely have an image of his goddess like ex
girlfriend. All Im saying is that I already had insecurities with the exes
before as in my past relationship but it was quickly resolved because my ex
partners would tell me about the past with no glorifying the ex, just telling
the good and bad. And that is what he did not do. He lied about this particular
ex, glorified her, and then said the UGLY TRUTH and then now I see bits and
pieces of eviedences that support the first story, and now I don’t trust
respect and believe him anymore. It is stupid because in an aspect, I should be
insecure of the girl right before me, the girl he almost committed suicide for.
But no, I am not insecure of this girl because when we spoke about her she was
not glorified, she was just, a past. A girl that he had some fun with but the
bad outweighed the good. And I have been told of the real story and the things
I see proves his story. I should be jealous of the first gf but no, I am not
because he also didn’t glorify her nor lied about her, she was just, the first
girlfriend. And I quickly got over her. In a nutshell, I feel so low and
nothing compared to the one ex gf. I feel like he just settled for me (Viet)
because he just could not work with the white girls even though they are all he
ever wanted. Had he cheqated on one of them or left them, maybe I would say
that he did not worship them . I feel like he is just settling for me, because
I am the only one that loved him and treated him right like yea okay, youre
less but I’ll settle for you since you treat me good. Least I have a caregiver at the same time. Okay
lets do it. But the white girls are still the bomb. It just that I couldn’t get
it right with them. This is what I always think even though he treats me well
and doesn’t talk to any of his exes. It is just a combination of inferiority,
insecurity and my trust has been REALLY REALLY BROKEN. Sometimes I think of
breaking up with him so I don’t hurt him as well with my bickering but I am
thinking is this really worth it. But the trust and respect in our relationship
is really gone . What should I do and please help me. we are falling apart now and I begin to despise talking to him though he didnt do me any wrong but because he has lied to me and i dont believe him anymore. It would be easier if he had come clean to me and admit things and have me hurt and get over it rather than him lie to me when I asked him and me find things out on my own and having my trust broken. It was just headshot photos, not kissing, just mirror selfies and posts with no “I love you’s” even its just the culture, insecurity and lies that triggers me to be upset like Im thinking what is so special about her or the relationship that it makes him lie. Its probably so spectacular because you wouldnt hide things for a reason. And she is Canadian they must have had it good and he must have been very proud of her. all those poisonous thoughts in my head. HELP.
Hello. I have been with my fiancée for 6 years. The first 3 years he was still married and was staying “for his daughter.” He said his ex wife and him stayed in separate rooms, never talked, etc. She knew about us and didn’t care. After we got together, I found some disturbing things on his computer. A lot of bisexual stuff, swingers stuff, Craigslist ads soliciting people, porn and a lot of cuckolding things… which I didn’t even know what that was until now. Also a lot of sites looking for random sex. He denies all of it and said it was her. That he didn’t know about any of it. I never saw any pictures of him, but a lot of pictures of her, mostly naked and in provocative poses. I don’t know if I can believe him. I’m more hurt about him not telling me the truth than if that stuff was really going on. It is hard when someone denies everything. I don’t know what to do. I love him and I know he loves me and I know he wouldn’t want me with anyone else. How do you forgive, overcome the past, overcome jealousy of the ex when you are unsure of what really happened? I know he would never cheat on me now and wouldn’t want to watch ME with other people. This has really contaminated our relationship
Hello, Cindy. If things are ok now, the guy deserves the benefit of the doubt, however unlikely it sounds that he didn’t know about this. It’s understandable, however, why he didn’t share this with you – it’s something very private and something that he might have been even embarrassed of sharing with anyone, and he thought there was no good reason to expose you to that stuff. If you really love him and you believe that he loves you too and you have no reason to doubt him today, you should let time do its work. In a few weeks or months, you will start caring about it less and less and move on. One more possible obstacle you might be facing toward getting over this is expecting your guy to be perfect and 100% honest all the time. One lie or one secret that doesn’t really affect you (it’s not like we know he cheated on your or anything like that), should not end an otherwise good relationship.
Thank you practicalh! I appreciate your words. I believe people lie for 2 reasons: to protect themselves or to protect someone else and I do think he wants to protect me. He is the kind of person that if he wasn’t involved, it isn’t his issue. But I do believe he knew what was going on. Thank you again!! I hope, as you said, time will heal this.
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My boyfriend used to talk to a girl very frequently on fb nd as I had his password I always used to fight over this and he would say that she is just a friend. Eventually he dumped me for her but I couldn’t get over him ! After 10 months he texted me one day asking for forgiveness and kept on telling me that he made a huge mistake by ditching me for her. As I was still in love with him we got back together . Since we got back he has been so caring and I know deeply that he loves me but what is troubling me is that it has been 2 years since we got back but I cannot forget that he was the one to leave me ! I feel so jealous and insecure that in every fight I keep on bringing the same shit again and again . He has told me about the time spent with her and even though it wasn’t much but I feel so disgusted and troubled by the thought that they did share something emotional together. He has been supportive by continuously telling me how much he loves me and that she was nothing but a mistake but I donot seem to get this In my head for long ! His x gf still calls and txts him , even though he doesn’t reply to her still I have doubts. I want him to clear cut break all connections with her and that too on a bad note but he says that he doesn’t wanna be the bad guy. I feel that nothing can calm my mind and soul untill they end up on super bad note . Help my depressed mind.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. Few months ago he told me that him and his ex were doing web porn for a little while for extra cash. At first I was shocked, but then I realized that I’m glad he told me that. It would be so awful to find that out different way. So after a few days being in shock, I came to a conclusion that I still love this man, regardless of his past. But since he told me that, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I even tried to find their videos online, but even thinking of it would make me sick to my stomach. At the other day he asked me to help him with some paper work on his computer, while he was gone I started snooping around his computer looking for something. I wasn’t even hoping to find the videos. But I did. They were hidden under his bookmarks in his web browser in the folder named “Personal”. I felt like my guts were squished by a giant’s foot. I’ve never felt anything like this before. I started watching one of the videos, but I couldn’t take it. I turned it off. I was all shaky. I don’t know why I did that. It would be so much easier not seeing all of that. One thing is knowing that your boyfriend did porn with his ex, and another thing is actually seeing that. I couldn’t sleep for a few days, all I could see in my head is them on that video. It’s so hard to control my anger and jealousy. He knows that something is going on, but I can’t tell him. I don’t understand why he still keeps links to those videos in his bookmarks? It could be from the time they did those videos, and he might not even know they’re there. But still, why does he have it? Why did he let me use his computer, knowing that I can find it? I know they are both moved on: he’s with me and she’s married and just had a kid. But I can’t take those images out of my head. The worst part of it is me having angry and violent thoughts about it. I wanted to send one of those videos to her husband or even put it up on her social media page. That’s not me at all. I’m scared of myself doing something stupid that will hurt her, her husband, my boyfriend, and me. What are your thoughts on that? What should I do in this situation? Thanks in advance!
Hi, Miranda. How you fee is very understandable. It will take time for you to get over it and get those images out of your head. It would have been better if you didn’t see them but I understand the curiosity. Talking to your boyfriend about what you saw and how it makes you feel would be a good idea to get some support and reassurance from him. However, I would not be asking him to delete these videos – this is something he has done in the past. At the time it was interesting and exciting. It’s part of his life, history, etc…He can hide it away – i.e. out of site out of mind and that should be good enough.
break up with him. dont be a fool and expect that he will change, why does he need to keep it if they know it will hurt your feelings. when you love someone you will not do anything to hurt them. of course he knows that it is bookmarked! it is his computer. and to think of it that the girl has a husband, they don’t respect their relationships so as you. i advice you… dont post it online and try to get revenge karma will do it. yes, he did not cheat on you and told you about it but to think that you thanked him? for being honest? nooo. you deserve better girl. please don’t let yourself take it all.
My girlfriend and I have been together for over 12 months and my ex and I have been separated for over 2 years. I have 2 children with my ex and we have a good relationship. My girlfriend loves the children like her own which is amazing. However my girlfriend is, as she puts it, jealous that me and the ex have the kids as it’s an experience she doesn’t have. In the beginning she was not happy that we discussed anything outside of the children. She constantly questions any contact that we have and feels it’s unnecessary for us to speak about anything other than the kids. She became very upset when I mentioned that I asked her if she had updated the software on her phone. She stressed she would feel better if I was more transparent about what we discuss. Just recently the ex was over, after a month long holiday with the kids, to pick up the kids and we discussed the holiday which included topics such as who the dog was left with. My girlfriend was present the whole time and once the ex left she got upset saying me discussing people she doesn’t know in front of her made her feel like the 3rd wheel and then mentioned that if I want to speak to her about anything other than the kids we can’t be together anymore. I’ve stressed to her that there is nothing between the ex and me but the kids. The ex is also seeing someone so it is more than over between us. However none of this seems to make a difference to my girlfriends behaviour. She never been friends with her exe’s whereas I always have been. I love this girl and I could see us being together till the end, except for this one issue. Is there anything else I can do to help her see that the ex means nothing to me and I’m just trying to keep things civil which means I should be able to have a conversation with her without feeling like I’ve done something wrong?
This is a tough and not uncommon situation. With time, she should get over it. I think they to making her current partner feel better is to make sure that she is on good terms with your children and is involved in their lives, and to be as open with her as possible about your interaction with your ex. At the same time, your current partner should respect and accept the fact that you are a father, and there is simply no way around you having to interact with your ex under the circumstances. I think with time, work and being open with each other this is an obstacle you should overcome, but it won’t happen overnight. You should also assure your current partner that she is special to you and you are not evaluating her by her ability to have children. You may not have that special experience with her, but you can have many other special experiences. Children are important, but they are not everything. You have your own life to live and your own relationship to have an enjoy.
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My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. However, 7 months into our relationship, I noticed a number pop up on his phone and it was a girl telling him she just moved back into town and asked him to meet up with her and her child (the child is not his). Well after putting 2 and 2 together since we discussed his ex and her son briefly in the past, I figured out it was her. I read all of their correspondence which was a sum of about 20 text messages in a 3 month span. However, the first text she wrote him was her thanking him for answering her phone call and she is in a really bad place and that she loved him. Other than that, there were no romantic or cheat-worthy messages besides her telling him her boyfriend would be so mad at her if she knew she was talking to him (my boyfriend) just moreso how are you doing, what’s the weather like, blah blah -besides when she asked him to meet her at a store when she moved back into town. Long story short, this has bothered me since that day…which was well over a year ago. I do not feel as pretty as her, I feel that he secretly still wants to be with her but he can’t because she has went back to the father of her child and has an unstable lifestyle. My boyfriend never has talked about her and when he briefly did when we first started dating, he was accepting and over their short lived relationship. I feel betrayed by him still though. I am definitely jealous of this situation and her. It is quite embarrassing because I still bring it up and I know that it has to drive him crazy. My insecurity is embarrassing and I want to overcome it but I can’t help but feel like she is his weakness because she is beautiful and she is “the one that got away”. I don’t feel like her talking to my boyfriend (her ex) behind her boyfriend’s back for emotional support is appropriate and somewhere in the mix I feel insecure about it. I compare myself to her constantly. I have found strange things since then, like an old picture of him and his ex’s son on his shoulders, and I asked him why that would be on his new phone ( i wasn’t looking through his phone he asked me to look at a picture of a bird on his phone and i stumbled upon it ) and he said “it was in one of his old e-mails and he downloaded the picture to see what it was and thought nothing of it”. It is confusing. My gut tells me something is strange- like there is a puzzle piece missing. Thoughts?
Hi, Nina. Thanks for sharing your feelings. First, it appears that your concerns are based on how you feel and no other factual evidence. This is too much to assume based on too little. More important, it’s critical that you stop comparing yourself to your boyfriend’s ex. Just because you think she is prettier than you are and better in some other respects doesn’t mean that this is what your boyfriend thinks. After all, if he has been with you for a while, there must be some good reasons for it. The other thing that would be very useful for you to do is to share how you feel exactly with your boyfriend. It doesn’t have to be a fight or an argument and you don’t need to accuse him of anything. Just being open about how you feel and allowing him to provide his own input could be very helpful to you finding that piece for the puzzle, especially if he genuinely assures you that you are the one he wants to be with today regardless of the past.
Please also read this relevant article for your issue:
Thank you for replying. Sometimes it is best to get advice from an outside source. My feelings are not based on facts and I must remember that. Thank you.
I don’t mind my boyfriend hanging out with his ex occasionally, but she seems to be somewhat manipulative about it. She knows it has caused some problems for us, yet she continues to want to cry on his shoulder. Seems to me a good friend would back off knowing that. I know he isn’t interested in her in that way, just friends, but I can’t seem to make him understand she is not only using him, but wanting to cause problems between us. Every time the subject comes up, he wants to accuse me of being jealous. I admit to a little jealousy but it’s mostly anger. Tonight he is out with her and some friends at a bar and texting me pictures of her and the friends. Mind you, in the year we’ve been dating I haven’t been able to get him to do that because he isn’t a “bar” person. I really think he likes the attention not just from her, but knowing it makes me angry. I need some advice. I don’t know if I’m the one being manipulated here (yes by both of them) or if I’m truly just making this a bigger deal than it is.
Hello, Angie. You have the right to feel the way you do and no one can tell you otherwise. Like in many other situations, I believe the best way to handle this is by having a candid, non-argumentative discussion with your boyfriend about how his spending time with his ex makes you feel, regardless of what he feels about it. How you feel should be respected. No doubt we all like attention, and he must not be exception, but going to these lengths is indeed suspicious.
Hi. I think this article hits the nail right on the head for me. I searched online for some kind of help knowing that my feelings of jealousy toward my boyfriends ex. I’m a gay male (33) with a boyfriend of 6 months. I had heard not-good things about the ex from my boyfriend which led to not liking the ex. But it turns out they are good friends now. And I feel my hands are tied behind my back to where I simply have to accept their close friendship because after all they are “great friends”. He has several ties with the ex and he’s often at his house, texting, and face timing. I’m really uncomfortable with their closeness and have tried my best to hide this because I know insecurities are very unattractive. What can I do to stop feeling this way?
Hey! I’m pretty much in the same boat. My Girlfriend has an ex, but they are best mates, there is 7 years of past and also they were still in an open relationship for 3 months while she was with me, which I found out 6 months later. (Yep it was rough)We are still together after nearly 20 months. But yet I can’t forget the lies or deciet and even though she says she loves me and she the (ex) means nothing, it really hurts.
I think if your partner has nothing to hide,,, for example their phone?? Is it there, unlocked ready for you to see? Or is it always on silent, face down and pass coded. Do they want to be alone together? Do you feel like the 3rd wheel, .. you need to ask yourself so many questions and if the answer is no, then you have nothing to worry about.. you need to remember he is with you because he is not in love with his past anymore and his present means so much more.
Do you worry about him being at his ex’s house? I don’t let my partner be alone with her ever, but that may be because of the lies.
Is this effecting your relationship??
Does he get angry or tell you to be quiet when you express your feelings towards his friendship with his ex?
I think you should share openly how you feel in a non confrontational manner so that you can have a frank discussion about it and come up with a solution that works for everyone. Perhaps they can be friends without being too touchy feely to respect how you feel? There is no point in hiding how you feel as this will only build up more and more in you. Talk to him and let us know how it goes. This kind of discussion, if brings solution, should only make you closer.
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Hi there. I am really struggling with feelings of inadequacy. I normally am cheerful, i’m accomplished, happy with myself. My partner of one year has a daughter with his ex wife, and there’s no issues with this at all, I’m very fond of his daughter and she’s a blessing in my life.
The problem is, I myself am infertile and childless, never been married. I just can’t see what I can possibly offer him or contribute to his life. His daughter is the light of his life, I can never provide him with something that makes him so happy. It’s not so much that I’m jealous of him having a past, as I am jealous someone else gave him what I never can.
Do you have any advice for dealing with these feelings? I am very worried they will harm my relatonship.
Hi, Jenny. Thanks for sharing your feelings. I would venture to guess that if your partner is with you, he sees other things in you that he appreciates, wants and needs, besides your ability to have children. Her already has a child. It’s only nature that his daughter is a priority, but this doesn’t mean that there is no more to his life than just and that there isn’t space for you. Perhaps one good thing you can do is encourage him to be open and honest with you and let you know whether your inability to have children is an issue for him, or whether he is fine having one daughter. Then, you can go from there.
I’m the other woman; both of us recently got divorced. Me and him has 2 children. My children is with me and his children is with his ex.
He is expecting from me to avoid unnecessary contact with my ex, because my ex does take advantage of any communication between me and him. My ex is not the person that phones every day to speak to the children. Therefore communication happens just before the weekend to organise the sleep over by Daddy.
My BF loves his girls to bits, he makes contact with them every day till he sees them on weekends. That is perfect with me.
The ex-wife is making unnecessary contact with him. Yes, he doesn’t always reply to her messages. That I can say, he is making an effort. BUT there is times that they are chatting and he realise to late, that is what she was trying to do. Get his attention.
This past weekend we were all at a 21st, she was also invited. He did try to make me feel relaxed but I was not. BECAUSE ex-wife came to him several times to have a chat/she leaned against him/she was just always around. Earlier the evening I told him that he doesn’t touch me as always…..later the evening he did try but he was not the man I’m used to. Yes, he was a little uncomfortable by times because her eyes was always on him.
I can’t get over the feeling that he can’t stand up against her. Because he didn’t move away if she is close to him. He was aware of her the whole time because she was always around (he confirmed that).
I’m trying my best in this relationship but for the past week I just can’t get the feeling off my chest that there is more than what he is telling me/answering me if we talk about her.
AND THIS DRIVES ME CRAZY. CRAZY JEALOUS.
I told him this weekend, it’s to quick to expect from me to be in the same room as her. BUT I just need to get over it.
My boyfriend of 6 months has 2 children with his ex-wife. Their divorce is finalized in a little over a week but they’ve been separated for well over a year. I have no children of my own and find myself getting ridiculously jealous of her because of the experiences she’s had with him in the past (marriage and children). I also get jealous when thinking about them together. Today he was talking about his children’s births and it made me so sad. He noticed and we talked about it and I told him that I don’t want to talk about her, but I like hearing about his kids. He immediately changed the subject because he’s a good listener and really does his best to make me happy. I know this is all my problem, but I don’t know how to get rid of this feeling. I know I have no real reason for this jealousy. To top it off, she’s not completely over him and is envious of me, ironically. I will be meeting her soon so I can meet the kids later. Is there any way to get rid of this consuming green-eyed monster? I don’t want it to negatively effect my relationship as it has already created turmoil within myself.
Rachel, this article can be quite helpful. Please read and following up with additional thoughts ad questions if you like. https://www.practicalhappiness.com/dating-guy-who-has-children/
My husband of 2 years we have been together 4 years. He was in a long term relationship for 9 years. They were in a committed relationship, living together, they grew together (since they were both quite young 16 and19), there were plans to buy properties together and get married. Somehow something happened and it ended, I believe there is something that he is hiding ad not telling me about the breakup. All I know is they grew apart. They weren’t in love anymore. I feel constantly jealous of her because they have shared so much together. They seem to have lots of similar interests. I have very few with him. She is clever, intelligent and an active activist who cares about the well being of the world and its people. I feel inadequate compared to her. Have spoken to my husband many times about this and I don’t feel reassured that I am better. I know that comparing is bad and not an option, but what I want is to be compared, I want to know what I have that she didn’t and why I am the special one and she wasn’t. is there a way I can overcome this?
Hi, Perhaps one thing you can do is ask your husband in so many ways to tell you what he thinks is special about you, and if not necessarily better – different from that other woman in a way that makes you want to be with you and not with his ex. Also, please remember that just because they have a lot of similar interests doesn’t mean that she is a better match with him. Common interests is just one element of a relationship.
I know what you’re feeling. It makes me ill to think that my dear husband was once in love with someone else. I wish there was a pill to make it go away.
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My bf and his ex have been divorced since 2001. They have 2 kids together. His ex is engaged, and my bf and I have been together for 2 years. His family says that he has never gotten over her. She cheated on him. They have never gotten back together but his family says that she always wanted him back, but he wouldn’t forgive her. And that hes always loved her and never moved on.
His ex and her family are completely still connected to my bf’s family. Both family’s still consider each other family. They celebrate special occasions together, they hang out together, their friends are all each others friends. Its like he’s still married to her if you saw the family connection.
I can’t help but feel very uncomfortable by this. His ex is beautiful and she is genuinely nice. She is someone I would like to be friends with if she wasn’t his ex wife. And when she is around, you can feel the tension that my bf feels. Its uncomfortable and awkward and hurtful. I always feel like the odd man out.
My ex’s son is graduation from high school this year and all of us are going on a cruise together. Us, his family, his ex wife, and her family. I already have anxieties over this. How do I get past this? Is this jealousy? Insecurities? What is this that makes me feel so uncomfortable and anxious? Thank you.
Thanks for sharing your story. I suggest you don’t worry so much about what your boyfriend’s family says and pay more attention to what he says – does he say that he cannot get over her and that he still loves her? If not, then it doesn’t matter what his family says. They are not him and they cannot possibly read his feelings.
Thank you!! And he says “that ship sailed a long time ago….” but it just doesn’t feel like thats what he really believes. His actions say otherwise.
I hope you’re right though because I am really considering getting a refund on our tickets. Im trying to think this through and not jump the gun here.
Morgan, what actions in particular do you think say otherwise?
Holy cow. Trapped on a cruise ship with his ex wife? Honestly, I would have put my foot down and refused to go. First of all, it’s insensitive of his family to put you in situations where the ex is in your face. Obviously they have to see her, as she is the mother of their grandchildren. Is there a chance you and the boyfriend might get married? That would put a whole new twist on the relationshiops.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 11 months. In the past.. say, 4 months now, i’ve grown a weird obsession with his ex. I cant stop stalking her facebook page to see if she has uploaded any new
photos of herself. I think its jealousy. I hate how skinny she is, how cool she acts and how she is so pretty. The thing is.. she ended up cheating on him. Idk. I just hate the fact that he had feelings for her and that they have been close. It bugs me so much. I just cant get over it for some reason. Its getting worse and wont stop weighing on my mind. Its so bad that i wish i never started dating my boyfriend. I wouldnt be in this stressful state right now otherwise. ):
Danielle, the first two things you should do immediately are (1) stop comparing yourself to her and (2) commit to never checking her Facebook page. Her life is completely irrelevant to you and your current relationship. It’s your boyfriend’s past, and unless there is an indication that he still cares about her or misses her or wants to be with her, there is no reason for you to care about her at this point at all.
For some reason i just cant let it go. Even if you say that, something leaves me clinging in my brain. I just dont get it. Maybe its ny low self esteem.. or maybe because i knew him in high school and i am still getting over that past as well. I dont know.
Hey I’m having similar problems I just found out that my girlfriend’s ex was able to “please her more” physically. She said in the best but he was able to give her well you know and I haven’t been able to. She said she cares about me more. She was with him for two years and has been with me a few months. It’s taking a shot on my confidence because this problem is new mad I don’t know how to deal with it! I don’t wanna think he is better than me and I can’t get mad at her.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months, him and his ex were together for 12 years and had two little ones together. The relationship ended on bad terms but now their starting to build a friendship together, he tells me I have nothing to worry about and he chose to be with me otherwise he’d be with her, but I can’t stop being so jealous of them becoming close again. Help!
I wish I could say you have nothing to worry about, but of course there is a risk that they will become closer together. On the other hand, if their relationship is transforming into something different, healthy yet non romantic, and that’s truly the case, it’s good for your relationship with him too. If he is on good terms with his ex, especially if they have children, this should make him happier , translating into being a better partner to you.
They’ve both agreed that it’s only a friendship and that’s all it’s gonna be, he said he left her for he did not have those feelings towards her anymore. This doing nothing but draining our relationship cause I’ve been constantly jealous and worried has coursed us to fight a lot. Atm we are in a limbo relationship and trying to take things slow. I’m unsure of what that means but now I’m worried that my horrible demons have coursed me to start losing him
Hi, I feel like I’m in a very similar situation to Gonzo, I know it’s completely irrational and all I want is to ‘get over it’ but I honestly can’t and would love some advice on how to change my frame of mind and deal with this crazy jealousy.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years, we are very happy and are planning a future together. This stupid jealousy is 100% my issue, he hasn’t done anything to fuel my fire and I know he would never cheat on me. But for some reason I feel totally envious of his past relationship and am constantly thinking about and comparing myself to his ex girlfriend. They were together for 7 years, he put his future on hold so she could focus on hers, they lived together, partied and took drugs together and share their entire friendship group. And all of this makes me very jealous and insecure. I wish it didn’t.
I would love some words of wisdom that would help me to get over these feelings, to stop worrying and feeling insecure all the time and to just leave the past where it is, in the past!
Hi, Betty. First, recognizing that you have a problem and that it’s your problem is a huge first step toward solving the issue. You should remind yourself that the past is the past. It’s part of your boyfriend’s history and life. Comparing yourself to that other woman is like comparing apples and oranges. If he is serious about you now that’s all that should count. Comparing yourself is a bad idea – you are not in the same categories. Not talking about her and not touching the past is a good idea. He should know not to bring that up. If it has been at least two years and he doesn’t miss her, there is no reason why she should come up in a conversation between the two of you. One more thing you can and should do is share how you feel with your boyfriend. Besides reassuring you that you are the one he wants now, he may be able to offer more support to you as to why you shouldn’t compare yourself and why you have o reason to be jealous.
Thank you, I really appreciate your response. I’m trying hard to work on these feelings of insecurity and if I keep reminding myself that the past is the past, I think I can get through this. Thank you once again 🙂
My pleasure. Tell us about your progress and remember – time does pretty much cure everything.
my boyfriend slept with a married women for two years before me. He said he gained feelings for her when they were together they even bought a boat together. What bothers me when she comes up in conversation is a few things: one if he had a chance to do his life over he’d still see her, two he compared her children to mine said hers were “good” kids, three he obviously was really turned on by her cause he would cum too fast during sex so he had to wear a cock ring and they used a sex toy for her pleasure. I have tried numerous times to get him to go buy sex toys with me still hasn’t in fact made me not do it once online. I feel so upset by all this what do I do?
Hi. Your boyfriend is the one who needs advice. He needs to know a few important things: (1) there is no need to share details of his sex life with his exes, especially the ones that can make his current parent jealous; and (2) no one likes to be compared, especially women. The last thing you need and should be doing is compare yourself and compete to try to match his exes. This is definitely the wrong way to go. To maintain your pride, sense of self worth and dignity you should address this firmly with him and tell him openly that this type of information hurts you and you are not sure at all if you should be together, if that’s how he feels about his ex. Either his steps up reassuring you that you are very special to him in many other ways, or not…. and then you will have to decide what to do.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and 4 months now. Im 18 and he’s 21. A year before we got together he was in a relationship with a girl for almost three years and
it had ended due to her breaking it off. I’ve been struggling with this increasing jealousy of her.. I don’t know exactly why I’m jealous of her but I create fights with my boyfriend saying you did this with her or you went here with her and of course it stops us from doing a lot of things. We’ve talked about it over and over and he tells me how the relationship had been over for a while but neither of them broke it off because they were used to each other. I hate thinking that she was his first everything and that she’s prettier and skinnier than me and how his family liked her more. I’m always looking at her Instagram and Facebook and basically I don’t know how to stop this. It would be different if he had broken up with her but he didn’t, she did and he was even heart broken and it doesn’t help that his mom and other people say how much he loved her and all these things that they shouldn’t be telling me. He tells me all the time that I am no doubt a way better girlfriend than she was and how he loves me more but I can’t let her go. I always look at pictures of them because
of course she hasn’t deleted them even though it’s been 2 years… Any help?
Your frustration is uncommon. The two important things to do are: (1) realize and recognize that no relationship is or will perfect. Some of the things you do with this guy you did before with other or he did before with others, and it’s ok. You can’t expect 100% of your relationship to be original and unique for both for you. As long as some aspects of how you feel about each other are unique and special that’s what counts. (2) comparing yourself to his ex is a bad idea – please read this article that should also be helpful to this issue https://www.practicalhappiness.com/how-comparing-yourself-can-hurt-your-dating-life/
Fair warning, this is a doozie and will probably be convoluted if anything I say isn’t clear let me know and I will clarify. So 10 months ago I started seeing a girl, we’ll call her Jane. We were both 18 at the time, I am now 19. I have been told I am a very sensitive and compassionate person when it comes to friendships and relationships so that’s definitely playing a role in the situation. We started out as friends for a couple of weeks and due to the mutual attraction and the all too common teenage need to have relationships and sex and all of that good stuff we quickly entered into a relationship. Now Jane had told me she may be moving soon to another state several hours away and didn’t want a long distance relationship and if that happened she’d break us off. I agreed to this and after two weeks she said she would probably be moving soon and said we were through. I was more emotionally invested and it didn’t seem like her moving would be a sure thing so I begged her to stay with me until she was 100% certain she was moving and eventually convinced her to. She ended up not moving away but we had a couple of breakups due to fights caused by both of us being somewhat immature and inexperienced with relationships and communication. We never went more than a couple of weeks before one of us would come back and say screw it let’s get back together.
Now for the gnarly stuff. Four months in she confessed to having lied to me about various habits like hanging out with guy friends and hanging out with a friend who I thought was a bad influence and smoking weed with said friend. She then dumped me and told me how everything was my fault, etc. I told her we could still be friends but I would need a couple of months to get over us and get to a place where I could move on but she could contact me if she needed me. One month later her grandmother (who raised her) died and she ended up calling me sobbing. I, still being extremely hurt by the relationship, did my best to comfort her but could not really think of anything heartfelt to say or to help. This led to her not speaking to me for another couple of months. After that I contacted her and apologized profusely for what I had done and relatively patched things up in a platonic sense. At this time, I had started dating someone else, though it turned out to be a very short-lived relationship (6 weeks). Then I found out she had found a friend with benefits. Every single ounce of pain from the relationship we had lanced through me and I had to take a break.
A few weeks ago she contacted me saying she wanted to talk again. We did, and after a fashion decided to give us another go. I told her she had to stop talking to her fuck buddy permanently as a condition for this. She has kept her promise, and is doing everything she can to try and make us work, just as I am. The problem is I’m still jealous over her former fwb. I’ve talked to her about it and she says
Sounds like she is the one you are truly in love with and thus are so jealous of. You did a lot of work to get together. Now it will take a bit of work and time to let the jealousy and pain from her having a fuckbuddy heal. One useful thing to keep in mind that should help the process is that clearly she had a fuckbuddy to fill the void (just like you started dating someone) and both of you really never caring about each other.
I’m not 100% sure how this is retroactive jealousy. RJ is being jealous about the past. She found this fuck buddy after dating you. During a break or break up, that’s true, but in the present time. I don’t think most people work like that. I mean, your mind doesn’t turn on and off like a switch. Your relationship was OFF or IN PAUSE from a rational point of view. But at emotional level I don’t think you will ever be able to isolate this. She was having sex with this guy at the same time you were having feelings for her. It’s not cheating, but it’s horrible anyway.
Yeah… She asked me to give it one more go and I did. And she cheated on me. Frequently. So I think I’m just gonna go ahead and stop feeling things at all instead of dealing with all this bullshit.
Hey I’ve been with my girlfriend (we’re both 18) for around 10 months now. Recently I made the mistake mid hookup kidding around, saying your probably did this for so and so, and she said “once”. I was shocked because she gave this kid a bj towards the end of ninth grade, basically because everyone else on the class trip (abroad, on another continent, alone in hotels) was.
She only got with him three times, and only went that far w him once. But this kid she says she realized he wasn’t a good person, and turns out he had a gf (although he liked my gf better-he was upset when my gf broke it off, she was better looking, and he had liked her since 8th grade, while he had just gotten a gf.)
I can’t help but feel extremely jealous of this kid, even though me and her lost our virginities to each other, and I got a bj from someone else when I was 16, but in 11th grade.
She’s not a bad person or a slut by any means, cause she never did that again till me after 12th grade, and realizes it was dumb and a mistake, but I can’t help but feel jealous. She barely got with him but went that far pretty quickly. I can’t help but feel inferior, even though she decided not to be with him even before she found out he had a gf. Maybe I’m jealous he had two girls in ninth grade, while I didn’t really have any until 11th? I didn’t meet her until 11th either, but she wasn’t my first experience.
I’ve been with a man for over a year now. We left our partners at the end of those relationships and slowly began a trusting, caring and productive union with each other. I have no ties to any exes nor children from them. He on the other hand has kept all of his high school chums, college friends, and is co-parenting a child from his last one. The women friends in his life have either had crushes on him or want his attention flirtatiously or for moral support. I’ve started out being wary but soon learned that they are harmless. All except for one hetero couple. The couple are both his high school friends. He was buddies with the guy who has a very controlling personality and the female friend he had a summer long FWB thing. Soon after they stopped, his buddy started dating his FWB ex and now has a kid with her. The female is very smarmy, touchy and constantly jokes in my face about their history. He is always talking about his buddy as if he is an idiot and self-involved. All the friends know the history. I am always feeling like the outsider. My guy says it’s nothing and to not take issue with her, but he makes play dates with her children and his and says that if the roles were switched he would think it was great. Why am I so mistrusting of his reasoning to stay friends with her and his buddy? She once had a gathering and specifically asked for only old pals to be there as well as their partners, but not me (I guess I didn’t have longevity yet). I don’t think it’s right for me to tell him to cut off the friendships nor is it feasible since the whole group is “incestuously” linked to one another. I am really starting feel disgust for this woman and her partner. What do I do?
Thanks for sharing your situation. I agree that it’s not fair to ask for him to break his friendship if they are real friendships. However, the reason you are mistrusting is because you probably know how easy it is to cross the line when the exes stay in such close touch. I think you should be open with BOTH of them about how this makes you feel, and that something needs to be done to make you feel more secure about this, whether your fears are unfounded or not. That touchy woman should be able to relate to how you feel as well and be of some help to the situation, unless she rally (secretly) wants him back.
Thank you so much for your considerate advice. I will try just that.
My pleasure, and thanks for your kind words. Let us know how it goes.
Well, it’s been three months and we are getting closer to a little more honesty from him, but I wasn’t able to address the situation to all because he did not want them to know I was bothered by their presence/behavior. Add to this, he gets extremely irate and can’t talk for hours sometimes days about things. He simmers down and then acts as if we’ve settled things just by virtue of time passing. Sigh. He knows he has anger issues, but I don’t know how this is related. That’s the update. Thanks.
After being with my girlfriend Kerry for 5 years – I feel I know her pretty well, for the first 18 months of our relationship she was in a bad place still getting divorced from her partner who had cheated and had a baby with the other woman – very bitter times and shouted at him down the phone all the time – couldn’t stand to be near him or his GF. So far most of the 5 years – a pretty normal relationship – but over the last few months – (since her Ex husband split with his partner that he left my GF for) – he has been coming round more and more frequently – (sometimes several times a week) – sits outside with my GF and they drink wine together – and me when I’m there – and – all of this I was prepared to accept – except recently the increased frequency of visits – the closeness and looks and my GF being nervous – twisting her hair and biting her nails – all the things I know after 5 years – are telling me something isn’t right. I tried to discuss with her – but always ended in foul rows about how I suspect them of having sex – she says that will never happen…
She used to tell me when he rang her – about his latest episodes or sexual encounters – but not anymore – she also started deleting texts and call logs from him. Finally it wasn’t happening in bed – no closeness – no feeling – like resentment After three very bitter rows – I have now left the relationship – hurting massively at the moment – as we had plans for the future. When I walked off after the first row – She says it was my decision to leave the relationship and I had no plans to stay – despite having just spent a fortune on the house and garden and her Kids in the last month. Despite the close relationships with her three Children after 5 years – like getting divorced again! Sorry post so long – Was this me being really selfish and over Jealous? or is it time to leave and stay left?
It’s hard to tell what she was doing, but I can’t say that your suspicions and the way you felt was not justified. Frequent visits and hiding his messages from you is a sure sign that something is not right. And rows might be nothing other than denying the truth – that maybe she still harbors hope of getting back together with him regardless of what she was telling you, especially if, in addition to everything, you also started having major problems with intimacy.
Ok bit random but me and my other half hand and argument on Friday at about half nine he went to his mates house and spend the night drinking the problem I have is he has an ex that he cheated on me with b4 he ain’t seen her or had contact with her for over a year my problem is I’ve just looked on her fb and she’s in a relationship as of Saturday don’t get me wrong my fella came bk to me Friday night bit I am now worried as I think something went on as he took too long to txt me bk Friday night any ideas
I need to know if I am over reacting. My friends mostly agree that I’m not, but I do know an aspect is my own insecurity. I met my boyfriend or ex boyfriend possibly at work a little over 2 years ago. I started talking to him and we were interested in each other. He was “seeing” a long time childhood friend who happens to be sisters to his best friend. She is also married. My boyfriend is separated but while married he and this friend had got close and basically for 3 yearsish they were seeing each and cheating on their spouses with each other. He got separated and waited for her to separate also. She did not but kept leading my boyfriend on saying she would. I met him while this was going on and for almost 1 year he was waiting for her but also seeing me and would not give up on her. Eventually he did and started dating me. She is still married. They continue to text each other (although I’m not sure how often really or what they talk about because I try not to pry, but he assures me its not often and not long conversations) and attend events together, party and what not. They were childhood friends remember and her bother is his best friend they often hang out all together. I’m not ok with this. I understand they will each other at events, but I feel that it is not necessary for them to have contact otherwise. Especially considering the history and also the fact that he could not decide to leave her for 1 year while he was seeing both of us. It makes me crazy and sick and I have panic attacks over it. He does not seem to care how it affects me. Am I wrong? I just feel like I can’t live this way. I refuse to allow them to have a friendship that is emotional and close. It make me insane not knowing what is happening between them even if its close friendship. It’s basically ruined our relationship right from the start.
I believe if they just run into each other casually at events, that’s fine and there is no reason to try to keep him away from seeing here, but if he has an active desire to seek her company and see her regularly, this is a legitimate concern given the history that they two had. One good idea would be to encourage him to be honest and tell you whether he still has feelings for her and if there is hope on one side or both sides that they will be together one day again.
hi. somebody help me please. i am jealous about my online partner. jealous about his sex past. i saw some pictures of them not toogether but in same spots, like on taking pictures of the other and i can not helping feeling jealous. i envy her and evey single moment they spent toogether. the wants to meet me but i can not bring myself to let happen. what should i do. helpppppppppp please.
My boyfriend has an ex who claims I stole him from her and that she’s going to ruin ours but when she gets to his house she seduces him and they end up having sex after,he tells me and I don’t get what to do wheather to back out or be with him
That’s something that sounds like it would be very hard to tolerate, to say the least.
My girlfriend was in a serious relationship for 3 years before I met her. She says her ex was bad in bed and also a bad person in general, however she still had sex with him multiple times a week. I have a few issues of confusion with this, Why did she still give it up to him so often? And we have sex the same amount, so its hard not to draw a comparison and makes me question whether she has an underlying issue with me? Do I talk to her about it or try to let it go because I’m reading to deeply into this?
Many women tolerate or settle in not so great relationships for various reasons. Some think it’s good enough; other hope it will eventually work out; and some girls are afraid of being alone or taking that step to break up. And that’s wouldn’t be considered “giving up” to him. If they were already in a relationship, she probably felt obligated as a girlfriend to have sex with him. Also, just because she thought sex was bad doesn’t mean that the guy didn’t enjoy it and didn’t want her as often as that.
I would not assume too much based on that fact alone that your frequency of having sex with her is the same as it was between her and her sex. It really doesn’t say anything about whether she has any issues with you. Instead of asking her directly whether she feels the same about you, I would ask her what specifically she didn’t like about that guy and about having sex with him. I would also very nicely tell her that you would appreciate it if she told you if there was something that she wasn’t happy about as far as your sex life goes.
My boyfriend is best friends with his ex wife. They have 2 kids together. He says they are best friends and they talk on the the phone every morning-every day he tells her every thing about us. It really upsets me because I feel he should be telling me everything not to her. I feel she’s more important to him. But he says they get along for the kids. Not sure what to do
Just because they have two kids together doesn’t mean he needs to talk to her every day. To me it sounds like he’s not over her. Big red flag.
That is an interesting and alarming situation indeed. I have nothing against maintaining some communicating with an ex and remaining friends, but if they really talk that often every day, you should ask him and encourage him to be honest about whether he really wants you in his life or you are just something temporary to help you cope with not being with the mother of his children.
Ok…so, I understand we all have our pasts. I have no self-esteem issues. I admit I’m not perfect, but I know I am a hard working, good natured woman. My husband died three years ago (I had been married once before this husband, so I know what divorce is…and having an “ex”) and I started dating again. I have dated a lot, and I think I have found the man I want to grow old with. His and my kids are adults. When I started this (and any relationship), I state very clearly, the only thing that I truly walk away from a relationship is “ex-drama.” I almost lost my career over a bitter ex of someone I was dating that stalked me at work and contacted colleagues and started trying to hurt my reputation, and I will not tolerate this. I’ve been in my career for 22 years. I totally accept that he has a past. But I get very upset when his ex calls and relays information that the kids (21-23 in age) could tell him themselves. Along with this, even though she’s remarried, she sends him a “gift” every year. I have no problem and understand everyone has a past and it is what makes him him. But I don’t understand why he does not see my anger in her gifts and calls. Even if it is just “relaying a message,” that the kids could have called about. He thinks I am being petty. In all other areas of our relationship, we are extremely happy. But my heart beat increases, I turn red, and I shake and I get so angry when I have to sit through a call or text from her. I am a logical person and I HATE feeling this way, but I cannot help but notice the physical changes in my health when I have to go through this. Although I have discussed this with him, he says that I am exaggerating the situation. Is it so wrong, since his kids are adults, to not want him to have contact with the ex? My kids (22 and 20) have been talked to by me about not bringing up “the past” with my ex around my boyfriend. I just think it is respectful and I would never want him to feel angry like I am. Along with this, I divorced the ex for many reasons, so I do not want him in my life. I don’t even have him in my phone. Am I crazy? Am I just being petty? Why does my physical body change so much when this happens?
Thanks for sharing your issue. I don’t think that an occasional call or a gift from an ex qualifies as an “ex drama” and it sounds quite harmless to me. Have you asked yourself why it gets you so angry. It appears that neither of them have a romantic interest in each other so there is no rational reason for you to be threatened by that. Based on what you are describing, I can’t see why you are turning red and shaking. What is it that you are really afraid of or are upset by?
It’s not unreasonable at all for you to want him to stop talking to his ex. It seems disrespectful to you.
All true and good – but what we need are some techniques to deal with it! I am irrational about a few of my partners ex’s…. if the subject comes up I terminate it abruptly by changing the subject, or remove myself from the conversation. I also “accidently” read some stuff (is it ever completely accidental?) and it is driving me nuts! In my irrational mind it completely devalues what we have now…I want (or need?) to believe that what we have is special and unique, but when you read or hear stuff from the past it makes me think that, actually no, it is not special, and certainly not unique. She has done it ALL (and more) before – a few times and when she was younger and more virile with a younger more virile partner, and I am just the latest and how can I hope to compare?
I wont even go to a place on holiday where I know she went with an ex, because I rationalise that she will be thinking about the good time she had with them when they were there. After all, there are enough places in world we can go where she hasn’t been with somebody else….. As I said before, it is driving me nuts, and can’t be too pleasant for her either. If I carry on like this, I WILL simply be the latest – inbetween the last one and the next one!
I have all the same feelings that you do. It’s madness and all-consuming. I can’t even stand to hear a particular state that I know they stayed in.
…and here was I thinking it was “guy” thing!
I’lol try to make this as short as possible. I already know that I shouldn’t be thinking this but I need help to get it to stop. I’ve even asked my husband if he is ok with me seeking help from a therapist so the therapist can perhaps coach me in how I let go of my jealousy but my husband said no because he does not want a stranger telling us what to do. I mostly keep my crazy thoughts to myself after a handful of arguments with him about his past. But anyway, I feel like I’m hurtin but I know I shouldn’t be. Also my strict childhood has caused me to have an unhealthy way of looking at sex as something dirty if it’s not with someone you love. I find myself getting angry at the fact that my husban had a past that I don’t want to say on here before I get angry, and I was a virgin when I met him I had only him as now we are married. I sometimes I wonder if I’m wild in bed enough for him or if I’m good enough. He used to tell me about an ex which he didn’t love and how wild she was. It hurts my feelings a lot and then sometimes I wish that I did not share my virginity with him and wishing I could turn back time and pursued a relationship with another man. It’s bad , I feel horrible about it no need to rub it in. What do I do? I feel like sex should be loving and caring and sacred but it doesn’t feel that way with my husband. Sometimes when we are havin sex I try to imagine having sex with someone else that loves me the way I want to be loved. Sex with my husband for some reason feels so dirty….. I’m trying to let go of his past so I can move on to the future but I don’t feel that he shares the same views as I do when it comes to love making, I’m yearning for it o be meaningful,sweet, and a sacred act of love.
This is going to be fairly lengthy I apologize. I’ve struggled with poor self esteem my whole life and I am always too dependent when it comes to relationships. I know that this is where most of these feelings are coming from, but i am having a serious issue getting past this. I have known my boyfriend of about 6 months since we were best friends in high school and everyone tells us we’re the perfect couple, i honestly couldnt be happier. the problem is that back when we first met (i had a crush on him right away) he was still in love with his ex who left him 2 years before, his first real relationship, whom he stayed friends with (not too much communication but plenty) . I should add that she had a surprise pregnancy with another guy about a year after the split and he was absolutely heartbroken. without realizing how i felt about him at the time he dished out all the details and told me all about how he’d never let go, but in the following months he said things like he needed to move on and he was really mixed up. after some time he found out a friend of his liked him and he was considering dating her, and i told him he should go for it so he wouldn’t know how i felt about him. so he did, very briefly date this girl who cheated on him and that was whatever. after that, though, we became much closer and became what we are today. Now this whole situation leaves me with a million questions that i can’t ask without seeming like a jealous psycho. Am i just a rebound? or did I start as one and then it turned into something real? does he love me for the right reasons or at all? if him and the original ex were to spend more time together would those feelings come back? these intrusive thoughts are killing me and just hearing her name gets me completely rattled, but she is still part of his life and i cant do anything about it. seeing her makes me absolutely nauseous. I am trying my best, i am reading articles, i am working on myself. but i wonder if its worth it… what do you think of this?
Hello, Eryn. Your concerns are understandable. However, the only and the best way to handle and approach is, is to assume the best until and unless proven otherwise. It sounds like it has been about a year since the news about pregnancy and that’s enough time to get over it fully or at least for the most part. If the guy doesn’t give you an indication now that you are just a rebound or an interim relationship while he is getting over his ex or while he is looking for something better, there is no reason to assume that. Further, even if he was on a rebound when you started dating initially, it doesn’t mean that it couldn’t grow into something bigger over time.
Yes – you are not his first love, and he might not feel the same about you, as he did about that other girl. This doesn’t mean that it’s less. It’s just different.
I think if you “couldn’t be happier” in your relationship then it’s definitely worth working on. If you give up for virtually no rational reason, you are basically admitting defeat – losing to yourself and your issues.
Solving real problems takes time. It’s more than reading one article or going to a few therapy sessions. Sometimes you mind should go through the process of being upset and then you will get over it. Why? Because no one is or can be upset at something forever.
It might also hep you share how you feel with your bf. Like I mentioned below to other readers, the way to do it is not by accusing him of anything or telling him how angry you are, but by sharing with your honestly how you feel and encouraging them to reassure you that you don’t have much to worry about it.
Also, you have no reason to dislike that other girl so much. It doesn’t sound like she did anything bad to you or to him.
My boyfriend had an on again off again “toxic” relationship for approx 4 years. He called her a few days before we met (9 months after they broke up) to wish her a happy birthday. He says it was a big mistake to “poke the crazy” and they haven’t spoken since. That was 16 months ago. Zero communication! Yet here I am, going totally psycho..throwing stuff and screaming every time I find something of hers in the house. I’ve been like this with all my boyfriends..and I’m 40!! I think of all the vacations they took and how his family says “he did everything to try to make her happy” and I literally feel my blood boiling. Like I actually get hot. I’m going to ruin my relationship if I don’t stop. This article didn’t help me at all..got anything else?
Hello, Samantha. I am sorry about your emotional state. I am not sure if any article would help. It sounds like you are aware that your behavior are irrational which is a huge step forward toward overcoming this and not letting this ruing what seems to be a good relationship. Perhaps you could help me understand better what goes through your had that makes you so angry. This way, I could either follow up or update my article to add the missing information that could be useful to you and other readers.
This was an interesting article and I tried to see how I could apply it to myself. Of course, everyone’s circumstances are a bit different. I find myself disturbingly jealous of my significant others ex husband. They were together a long time and have children together. They were apparently high school sweethearts who married young…and even though it was a toxic relationship for her…it was all she knew. He wound up cheating on her an then leaving her for another woman. He was the only man she had been with. (in my case, I have had numerous relationships, some which I ended, some which they ended) I guess point being…if he hadn’t left her…she would probably still be with him. Though she makes no indication now that she has any remaining feelings for this person. They were divorced for several years before we met. We have been together for 5 years…and our relationship started quite casual and became more serious over time. We moved in together last year. I managed to pretty much avoid the jealous feelings for a long time…but as my feelings for her have grown, I felt them starting to nag at me a bit. Silly things started to bother me, a mention of the past, an old photo, etc. Cut to the chase… One day I accidentally came across a journal of hers amongst some old stuff she apparent didn’t know she had brought when she moved in. (no..I was not deliberately going through her stuff….and I know I was wrong to have looked at it…and god I wish I never did!!!!) It was 10 years old from before they divorced. It contained accounts of intimate escapades and her attempts to save her marriage. When I confronter her with it…she insisted she didn’t know even know she still had it…and immediately tossed it in the trash. Yes…I know they were married and they had sex…but now I cant look at her or touch her without recalling what i read and thinking of them together. And the thought of having to come face to face with her x again at a functions for her children for the rest of our lives fills me with disgust. This was a great relationship that is now being ruined by me and these stupid thoughts. In reality she has done nothing wrong to me….but it feels as in the moment as when I caught a partner cheating. I keep expecting something from her to fix the situation….but I know that makes no sense. I have been thinking of walking away so as to not feel this anymore…but why should something from the past have to ruin our present. How do I let this go.?
Hello, Angelo. Thanks for sharing your experience of being jealous of your partner’s ex. First, I would encourage you to reframe the whole situation and see it as as good thing. The woman was deeply in love, enjoyed her relationship as long as it lasted and you met after she has only been with one guy. Would it be better if she had a bunch of meaningless relationships and one night stands? I doubt it. If it had been so long since they split, you really shouldn’t worry about anything at all. Even if she wanted to keep old photos or diaries as a history of her life (and not because she misses him) that should be respected, but since it appears that she doesn’t, you have all the less to worry about. Being in love with someone for so long doesn’t go away quickly and maybe there is still a place in her heart for that other guy due to having all the wonderful times they had together, and that’s ok. I bet you yourself have good memories from some women in the past, and it’s only natural. What did you expect from a woman who was with a guy she love for so long? Of course they had great times and strong feeling for each other.
At this point, it would be a good idea for you to stay away from anything that’s from her private past and simply not worry about it.
You should give your thoughts time to die down, and it would be an ultimate self-defeat if you would walk for no other reason except inability of conquering your own jealousy.
Thanks for responding. Staying away from her private things is easy. Letting these thoughts die down is tough. We spend quite a bit a time apart due to work…and its during the apart time that this stuff really begins to fester. Its was the explicit sexual stuff I read that hurt the most. She always came across to me as having a sweet innocence about her….but there was nothing innocent about the person who wrote in that book. I begin to doubt that I really know who she is and worst…cant compare to her past experience. I know most of it is in my head…but I just cant let it go. I know I am wrong…none of this should matter. I need to focus on the present…but the anxiety this bring on still makes me wonder if I need to move on….or how I am going to get past this. I know I can…but I just don’t know how.
Here is my suggestion. Do nothing for now and try to let time do it’s thing. Maybe a few months and then see if you feel better and/or if your perspective on this change. Sometimes, time does nothing, while at other times – it does wonders to clearing mind and telling you what the right thing to do is.
Should I not talk with her about it….or should I be open to bringing it up if it is what I am feeling? I don’t want to come across as persecuting her for something that happened in the past. She knows how upset I was by it. I cannot talk to anyone else about it (friends) because I would not share her private stuff like that. I just don’t know if airing what I am feeling will help heal the situation.
If you can bring it up in a way that won’t make her feel like you are accusing her or starting a fight, but you only share how you feel, that would be fine. If you think that it will surely turn into an ugly fight, then it’s best to stay off topic and let a little bit of time do its thing.
Hi, I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 2 months, and we don’t talk about our past much, because its the past. Though in his past relationship he was best friends with this girl for a long time and she finally decided to go out with him, and they were happy for a while but then she said she didn’t love him anymore, and it was really awkward, and he was really hurt. Then a few months ago I started liking him, but he said he wasn’t over her, then like a month later he asked me out. At that point he and his ex were good friends again, and I really like him, but I can’t help but feel jealous about the relationship (as friends) they share since they’ve known each other forever. I know he wont cheat on me, but I can’t help but feel like if she changed her mind he would break up with me. Maybe I’m just feeling insecure, but I don’t know. I would really appreciate some advice. -Thank You
It’s normal to feel insecure under those circumstances. If they have known each other for so long, have such a close connection and are still friends, it’s not impossible that one o them or both of them still harbor hope that they can get back together one day. This is not to scare or make you even more worried than you already, but that’s just the reality. It would be a good idea to encourage the guy to be completely honest and open with you about whether part of him still wants to be with her. Also, if they talk and see each other on occasion, it’s not a big deal, but if they talk and see each other all the time, such as a few times a week, then there has to be more between them than just being friends. Whether they have sex when they see each other or not, attraction doesn’t just go away by itself, just because you decided to date someone else.