Aug 07 2006
How to Overcome and Abandon Jealousy!
Few qualities are more unattractive in a person and are unhealthy to a romantic relationship or even casual dating than jealousy. Jealousy leads to insecurity, anger, unfounded and unnecessary fights in relationships and painful break-ups. Thus, learning how to overcome and abandon jealousy can be crucial to a person’s dating life and romantic relationships.
I remember asking one of my female classmates to go out dancing a few months ago. We have been talking and studying together once in a while. She had a boyfriend and she knew I had a girlfriend. My behavior around her was not flirtatious or suggestive in any way, so she had no reason to suspect that I was romantically interested in her. Despite that, her response to my invitation to go dancing was very surprising to me. She told me that she couldn’t go because her boyfriend wouldn’t allow her to go to a club without him. I was shocked. There was so much I wanted to tell her about this, but I didn’t know where to start.
Jealousy is one of the worst poisons of any relationship. The devastating effects of jealousy are twofold: first, jealousy ruins good communication between people, causing a multitude of unfounded arguments and fights; secondly, jealousy conveys some of the most unattractive qualities in a jealous person such as lack of confidence and insecurity which are some of the biggest turn offs for both men and women.
Jealousy and auspiciousness indicate insecurity in a person’s self-worth and lack of confidence in his ability to attract and keep a partner interested. A lover who suspects his partner of unfaithfulness without having real evidence of that will literally “terrorize” him by questioning and constantly treating him as a suspect of the crime of cheating.
Ironically, we are more likely to develop jealousy and let it adversely affect our behavior if our relationship is great and we are very happy with our partner. Our jealousy and our possessiveness is a side effect of our desire not to lose something that is very special and very precious to us. And the more precious our partner is to us, the more carefully we guard him / her by being jealous. That concern and fear of loss of someone very rare and special leads us to overprotecting it. Being suspicious, lack of trust, and questioning your partner about his whereabouts in an investigating manner cause unnecessary fighting, conflicts an eventually break-ups of relationships that otherwise had great potential to develop and prosper. Don’t let this happen to you. If you believe that you subject your partner to your jealousy, start working on eliminating it immediately. Eliminating jealousy is not a quick process. Jealousy is a trait of character, a frame of mind and an emotion, and as such – getting rid of it is a gradual process that requires work, self-reflection, patience, and persistence.
The great news is that the rewards of dealing with and overcoming jealousy will likely keep you free of jealousy for the rest of your life and will make your future relationships much more successful.
So, what are the steps that you can take to deal with and overcome jealousy and possessiveness? The first and the most important step in dealing with jealousy is, like with many other issues is recognizing that you have a problem. Most people who have jealousy issues are in denial and refuse to admit that their behavior and perception are irrational and their lack of trust is unsubstantiated by any real facts. Recognizing that you have a problem is essential to your motivation to work on it and to your success in overcoming jealousy. Once you have passed this crucial first step and have recognized that you are jealous, I suggest that you adopt the following, proven-to-be-effective beliefs which will gradually eliminate your jealousy and all of its manifestations:
Become aware and accept the fact that whether you trust the person you are with or not, whether you question his actions or not, and whether you “spy” on him has no positive effect on his behavior and faithfulness. If a man or a woman wants to cheat, he / she will find a way to cheat, and there is nothing you can do to prevent it. So, stop it! Stop assuming the worst about him. Stop wondering where he is and what he is doing at any given moment! Assume the best about your partner and his faithfulness to you until and unless you have real reasons to believe otherwise.
Keep in mind that the only reason, the only thing that keeps your partner around you is his desire to be with you. Nothing else keeps either of you near each other. And his desire to be with you comes NOT from your pressure, your being jealous or your attempts to convince him to be faithful to you but from your other qualities that make you attractive and desirable. Your efforts to keep your partner have no positive effect on your relationship. If anything, it might put excess pressure on that person – something that no one enjoys and tolerates for very long. Remember that the best “leash” is the loose one or even better – a total absence thereof. To remove your mind from jealous thoughts, become a little more selfish. Spend more of your time and your emotional and intellectual resources on building yourself as an individual rather than perceiving yourself as part of the relationship. Work on your career and your other goals. Take a class in a field that you have an interest in, learn a new language, engage in a form of creative art, take a dance class, and do anything else that you have or might have an interest in, so that there is more to your life than just that relationship, and so that your life does not revolve around any given person and his faithfulness to you. Pursuing other objectives of your life will prevent you from obsessing over your partner and will keep you in a much healthier emotional state, free of jealousy.
By getting rid of jealousy, you will exhibit some of the most attractive qualities in you: your common sense, your confidence in yourself and in your ability to attract the other person and maintain his exclusive romantic interest in you, your value as a wise person, and your confidence in your partner’s feelings. Don’t miss out on such an easy way to demonstrate those great qualities by rising far above jealousy.
Remember, there is no insurance policy or collection agency for any relationship and jealousy certainly won’t help make it more stable. Whether you are casually dating someone or are married, whether you have been together for one month or twenty years, it’s possible that your relationship will end at any time for a hundred possible reasons. I do not want to sound negative, but I do want you to be aware of the reality of all relationships. What does this mean to you? This means that you should enjoy and appreciate your relationships as long as they last but at the same time accept and embrace the possibility that any such relationship might be over one day. And if it is, it will be tough, but you will get over it. It will not be the end of the world for you. Your duty is being the best you can be in a relationship that you want to have. The rest is NOT up to you. The rest depends on your partner and you have no control over it, and whatever you have no control over, should not concern you or be a cause of your anxieties.
As you are successfully fighting jealousy, you will start experiencing tremendous freedom – the freedom to enjoy your love life without the taxing pain of jealousy and insecurity and the pleasure of giving your partner a better, wiser, stronger, and happier you!
Once you free yourself of jealousy, you will come across as a more confident person. Your partner might be used to seeing more jealousy in the opposite sex, and might mistake your non-jealous nature for not caring. If that’s the case, you should remind your partner that the reason you are not jealous is because you do care but you also have trust, and you realize that jealousy will not prevent any problems if they are bound to happened.
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40 responses so far
Thank you so much for this post. I will do my best to not ber jealous
My pleasure. I am glad you found this posting on jealousy to be useful in your own life.
your post was great… but im still unsure on how not to be jealous?! Can you help
i liked your post on jealousy…im married and have 3 kids….and cant seem to raise my self worth enough to stop being jealous. my husband gets mad at me for it….but i dont do it intentionally…its just there. i hate it too but i dont know how to get rid of it….i just feel stuck.
Thanks, Milly. Overcoming jealousy is a process. The article above, as you read, gives some basic but practical steps toward abandoning jealousy. The main thing to keep in mind at all times is that jealousy will not do any good to any relationship so above all – it’s pointless.
Thanks for the article, it is very practical and valuable. I need to overcome my over possessiveness about my wife. These steps would help me.
Thanks. It is pointless, but it is also irrational which I find really hard to beat even though I am a very logical person. This article says exactly how I feel and I know I have to stop being jealous and insecure else I will lose the woman that I love! Thanks
I really enjoyed your article. I started Google searching “overcome jealousy” right after I logged onto my laptop and realized that my boyfriend was still logged into his Facebook page. After taking a gander at his inbox I read an email between one of his best friends basically saying that a mutual friend hadn’t deleted him from her list and he wrote back and told his friend that he didn’t delete her either and that it was probably due to a jealous girlfriend.
Which is true. I had deleted her a while ago when he had stayed logged in on my laptop. She was an ex that he dated for a while until she dumped him then shortly after that break-up he started dating me. Then when we’re experiencing a rough patch in our relationship financially-which is affecting us emotionally-she randomly showed up in his life again.
So, the reason for me writing was because I had a couple of questions. Basically, I think that I know that I’ve got a problem…since I started researching it on the internet. You had mentioned jealousy and its relationship with insecurities and distrust and lack of self-worth.
I guess I was interested in knowing if you think jealousy causes these issues or if it’s possible that dealing with these issues causes jealousy. I didn’t think that I was a jealous person. But a year and a half ago he cheated on me. I don’t think that I really sought out the help I needed to mentally and emotionally get over it even though I knew that I wanted us to work it out. So that caused a lot of self-consciousness, not knowing why he would pick to do that with someone and what tells me that it’s not going to happen again and not knowing why he thought that it was something that he wouldn’t have desire to do again. I also have a baby with whom I gained 65 pounds and haven’t lost it-so that is another insecurity all on top of the fact that for as long as we’ve been together he doesn’t say I love you. Which I know is something stupid to let bother you but when you take all of them and roll them into one big anxiety it starts to overwhelm you.
Is jealousy something that I acquired due to my own stressors and outside ones as well?
Are there other websites or books that I can read to figure out how to deal with it and how to make things that make me feel insecure (like not saying I love you) not such a big deal?
Hi, Ginny. I am glad you found the article to be useful.
Your situation sounds in some ways common and in others quite unique. Let’s talk about the unique parts which are the fact that you were cheated on and the fact that you gained weight.
I believe there are two additional keys to resolving your jealousy issues beyond the ones that are mentioned in the article that apply to you as well.
1. You should be open about your jealousy issues with your partner. This doesn’t mean you have to fight or argue over every incident or spy on him. Instead, seek out his help. Be open about the fact that the cheating bothers you and it will take you some time to get over it. Explain and try to have him understand that it’s only expected that you will be suspicious of him after what happened. Lost trust cannot be regained overnight and it takes time.
2. With regard to weight issue – taking the hard route might be the best option, which means trying to lose weight whatever it takes. You are not going to feel about yourself as good as you used to as long as you carry that excess weight no matter how many people will tell you that you look great, and that it only matters what’s inside. You know the truth and you know that this is not the case. Hard work and losing weight will necessarily pay off in both how you perceive yourself and how others perceive you.
Thanks.
when i am in a calm mood, i can see how stupid i am being when i accuse my girlfriend of cheating or wrong doing. before anyone says its my fault i get over the top or whatever, i suffer from severe depression also, which triggers anger aswell at any moment of time. im not after sympothy or anything like that, however if someone posts something to my girlfriends facebook, which anyone else wont think twice about, i go in to a massive state about it, and accuse her. only when i have calmed down after a couple of days away from her, i realise what i said was wrong. does anybody know if there is some anti-depressents or something like that to not cure but help me so i dont loose the one i love for good. sometimes, i should count myself lucky she has come back to me, (i have done this for a long long time now) but when im angry, i cant help it. this article will hopefully make me stop and think about what i am doing and hopefully help me. thanks for posting this, it has helped me already i can sense it.
Thanks heaps for the advice! jealousy certainly doesnt help, i have just been left by my boyfriend because he felt like he couldnt go out and be him self because i would get hurt. I have the jealousy trait and i want to get rid of it asap
hello everybody ,,,
i have this problem in my relationship with my older woman, i love her so much ,, but she’s too jealous, and she can not accept and deal with my past and with any girl even if she know her,, she let me feel that she’s kind of upset.
every time, that kind of subjects turn into fight and i can say a big fight who will stay for couple days. i was so honest with her and i answered honestly all the questions she asked me,, but because her behavior, i don’t think that i will answer honestly that kind of questions just to overpass a fight.
i know how she feel, i know that she don’t wanna loose me, specially to another woman or girl, i know its hard for her to think that way, but i always told her , when she feel that way she can answer herself by remembering me, the real me that she knew and she felt in love with.
how can deal with this problem once for all? i know that jealousy’s good sometimes,it shows you that your other half cares for you, but…
i will be able to accept any comment from anyone and i wish that someone will answer me and to give me his opinion
thank you all.
I realize now that my jealousy is the result of my own insecurities. I really need to work on this because I’m scared that my jealousy with ruin my relationship with my girlfriend. She’s an amazing person and is one of the nicest people I have ever met in my life by far. Deep down I know that she would never cheat on me but there’s this stupid nagging doubt inside of me that says that she’s going to find someone better down the road and either cheat, or cast me aside. I have pretty low self esteem but I’m good at hiding it. On the outside I appear laid-back but on the inside I’m apprehensive and jealous. Because my girlfriend is so nice, she has alot of friends, many of which are guys which I can’t stand her hanging around. A typical conversation will involve her saying something innocent like, “I think I’ll go running with my friend John today” to which I nicely smile and say “Really? Sounds like a good plan!” but on the inside I get a flare of annoyance and imagine her joking with John and slowly falling in love with him while totally forgetting about me. Everyday I have little daydream scenarios in my mind where she tells me that she cheated on me and I imagine how I would respond. I don’t know how to talk about this with her without it sounding like I’m accusing her of cheating but at the same time it’s eating me up. I know it’s totally immature and ridiculous but I just can’t help it and I fear that eventually I’m going to blow up on her out of nowhere and ruin our relationship anyway….
I am jealous but I wasn’t until my boyfriend did somethings that made me feel insecure and not worthy. He didn’t even do anything bad (like cheating) however, it still made me insecure and jealous. I am trying to rebuild my security.
This is an amazing post. I just hope i’m able to overcome my jealousy. My fiance is a gem of a person and my jealous habits have only made matters worse for both of us. He has never cheated on me but i fear it would be devastating if he ever did. How do i get rid of this fear? Ive tried to indulge myself in other activities but whenever he’s out, i can’t stop thinking what he’s up to. I always see the worst in him. I don’t want to get hurt, thats my excuse for being jealous.
Great article. My situation is much the same, but with a twist. I would love any insight. First of all, I recognize that I have always been a jealous person. I don’t know why, it just seems to be a part of me. I do try to make a conscious effort to not be jealous, especially when I know that I have no grounds for it. I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year. He has a 4 year old daughter who he has about half the time, and who is a pleasure to be around. She and I have a great relationship and I consider her to be a “pro” on my list of pros and cons about our relationship. The baggage, of course, is her mom. I am very insecure about my bf’s relationship with his ex girlfriend, especially since they were still sleeping together long after they broke up (when the baby was about 6 months old). I know that they used to argue often and that she is very hard to get along with, so he goes out of his way to be nice to her to avoid conflict. I respect that. However, today I don’t know what prompted me, but I looked at his cell phone (which I have never done before). I saw texts between the two of them, some just about their schedule with their daughter, etc., but also some that to me were flirtatious. For instance he said “ur the best” in response to something about clothes for their daughter. Unfortunately the inbox was mostly empty, but I could see all of the ones from him to her. I felt sick to my stomach about it. I was getting ready for work and he was still sleeping so I left him a note admitting that I looked at his phone and that the texts between he and his ex seemed pretty friendly to me. Of course I was mad so I said “are you two still screwing, too?” which was probably out of line. I’m sure he was mad when he saw it because I got a text later that just said “nope”, then he went on to say that he doesn’t need to defend himself, he doesn’t have anything to hide. I do believe him, but their relationship makes me extremely nervous, especially since women can be so manipulative. Also, I know that his ex is jealous of me (we’ve never met) because she’s made comments before about me to him when their daughter has come home and talked about me.
I guess I don’t know how to get over this, because I know that she has to be in his life for the rest of it and there is nothing I can do about that. It is also intimidating that they have a child together, which is a bond that only those two can have, no matter how much he feels for me, she is still the mother of his child. Can I overcome this jealousy?
Hi, Allison.
I am going to refer to the article above and emphasize the part about being ready for losing your partner. This doesn’t mean you have to be pessimistic about your relationship or expect it to end, but knowing that even if things don’t work out, it’s not going to be the end of the word and you will be able to overcome it and being ready for it will help you abandon that fear of loss that makes your nervous now and which makes you act jealous. Thanks.
This article was helpful I feel alot of the same ways.. I don’t know why I feel the way I do at times, like I know I have nothing to worry about yet I constantly do, I assume alot and it pisses him off to the point he shuts me out, we are in a long distant dating but been intimate before, known him for over 5 years, but also I feel like since I can’t see him I dunno what’s really going on now… Like, I ask alot if he would go back to his ex girlfriend he had years ago, he says no, but I’m jealous of it because I feel like they had something better, like I don’t feel good enough. What should I do?
Hi, Sally. The most important thing you can and should do is to realize and truly accept that there is no way for you to know what’s going on if you are away, so why even bother and stress about it. Assuming that best unless and until you have reasons to believe otherwise is the only way to go under these circumstances.
Yes man! Is a big eye opener for me. Im a very jealous type of girl. I dun even let him go out with his friends. Cause he have lied to me 5 – 6 times about girls….
Sorry, so is my fault to be jealous & control over him if he has lied to me for more than 5 times? And every wanted to leave me because of my jealousy.
That’s a tough one. If someone lies to you that many times, you have to ask yourself whether you are willing and ready to forgive and whether you are able to move on. Trusting someone after repeated violations of trust might be impossible.
Thanks for the article, really enjoyed it and a eye opener for me. I had a relationship that I wanted. But, things did not go well into the relationship due to a lot of different circumstances, time, work, etc. and most of all when we had heated discussions, we never went back to it to “finish” what we started, which caused a lot of stress between us.
My question is, I know that I have to recognize that I am a jealous person, but what do I do to “mend” this jealousy with her? How do I explain with confidence, without being an insecure person, which I think I have already demonstrated to her, that I do not want to be like that person or want to improve? Which direction do I take this and how will she perceive me?
Hi, John. That’s a very good question. If you have decided to come forward and talk abut it, it’s certainly worth trying. Of course, it’s not guaranteed that she will be willing to listen and that she will believe that you truly want to or can change, but it’s certainly a possibility.
The way to not come across as insecure is to make sure you bring it up the right way. Don’t be dramatic, don’t beg for forgiveness but exhibit maturity and strength through your approach. Coming up to her and telling her that you have been doing quite a bit of thinking about your jealousy, you recognize that you have a problem and you really want and plan to work on it, while knowing that it will not be an overnight change is a good idea.
And, as they say, the good thing about being at the bottom is that you can’t fall any lower. From here forward – there is only one direction to go – up. Perhaps, openly admitting your problem of jealousy will be a sign of great strength as far as that woman is concerned….
Wow, thanks so much for this. I have recently developed jealous tendencies and am not very happy with myself.
My boyfriend and I have been smooth sailing now for over a year and a half and everything is perfect. I’ve never had to deal with any type of jealousy before but now its swarming me and I’m feeling quite lost and displeased.
This article helped, I know that jealousy is a waste of my energy but it’s so hard to dilute.
Reading your article encourages me to stray away from this horrible emotion, But, boy is it tough to deal with.
Thank you again.
Jealousy has a bad reputation. Yet in fact jealousy in marriage has its roots in the exclusive commitment that marriage is founded on. Jealousy is a reaction to a perceived threat — real or imagined — to a valued relationship or to its quality.
People often assume jealousy is a negative characteristic and a personality flaw that stems from insecurity. This is not necessarily the case, in fact in healthy doses, jealousy can rekindle the passion in a dormant relationship. It is important to note that there are many different types of jealousy and jealousy does not necessarily relate simply to sexual behavior, but to such things as a loss of closeness. Like other difficult emotional experiences, jealousy can be a trigger for growth, increased self-awareness, and greater understanding of both your partner and your relationship. After all, relationships need some spark in order to last. “Jealousy is a necessary and formidable weapon in our armory of love that ought to be utilized to keep people together. What’s more – you have a right to feel jealous when warranted by your partner’s actions”. When we fear our husband or wife’s attention is somewhere other than on our own relationship, alarm bells ring for us. We may be feeling ignored, hurt and threatened, fearful that our precious relationship is going to fall apart. The jealous person may feel a sense of heightened awareness. They may be seeing warning signs that all is not well and action needs to be taken.
When my boyfriend of five years and I go out with our two children we always fight about my jealousy problem.I get really upset when he will look at another female to the point she smiles back and they keep staring at each other.He has never went over and talked to another woman but I still feel humilated.Women are always checking him out and trying to get his attention and he gives it to them even in front of me.I never know if hes crossing a line or its me ….. help!
Well, he must be an attractive man. He has no control over how other women respond to him so you shouldn’t hold it against him and mere courtesy of looking back shouldn’t be perceived as something bad. Remember, showing your concern without any real reason, will only make you come across as insecure and less attractive, thereby pushing him away.
Is it possible sometimes that people do step over a line that makes their partners uncomfortable? I guess I’m extremely loyal because i find some behaviors unacceptable and just flat out disrespectful.
Thank you so much for this article! I am in my 30s and dating an amazing guy who I love with all my heart. This is the most healthy relationship I have ever been in. I feel secure in the fact that he loves me just as much. We have both been cheated on in previous relationships and have talked about this to great lengths and with him I am learning to trust again. Yet I have abandonment issues from childhood that come up often and make me feel clingy (although I try not to let him see this to the extent it really is). I tend to be an open book. He always knows what I am doing. I would never give him any reason to worry. He is pretty good about doing the same, but ever so often he will mention something he did “the other night” and that feeling triggers inside me. Or when he gets a phone call or text, he never offers who it is. He might text for an hour or so w/o ever mentioning who it is. Yet, I either offer up who I am talking to, or he makes a casual comment like “that must be your mom,” or something of that nature and I end up telling him who it is. I know he has issues with feeling “controlled” so I try not to ask. Then there’s Facebook. This has turned into a relationship nightmare! I know he is very private, but it irritates me that he doesnt have a status listed. In my opinion, he looks single on there. He has probably 100-200 pics posted but the only pics he has of me are either buried way deep in an album (2 of them) or ones that I have tagged of us. I know he is a total flirt but so am I. I have guy friends and it doesnt seem to bother him. I still talk to a couple of my exes on occasion even. I want to be secure enough to not worry about what he does. How does one get that feeling? If it’s not something that comes natural, how do you achieve that level of security? I guess the thing that bothers me the most is that I feel like he is sort of sneaky about it. Like he deletes nearly everything that is posted on his FB page. I have started to feel like a FB stalker! I hate it. I know that I am sabatoging a really great relationship. In my heart I know that it doesnt matter what his FB status is or whether he talks to another girl, I am the one he loves and is CHOOSING to be with. I know that these are my issues, my insecurities. I need to work on myself and building my self-esteem. I am exercising on a regular basis and doing things to make me feel good. I understand the reality of the situation. I know that my jealousy and possessiveness are going to push him away from me. I just want these feelings to go away. Sorry for the long post. Guess I needed a place to vent so I can try not to take it out on him and ruin such a great thing I have going.
I have jealousy issues that i know i need to overcome. My boyfriend is still friends with his ex and they still txt. I found this hard to deal with but am slowly understanding they are just friends until today i saw a text from her just with an “xo” at the end which was enough to upset me. Also, I read a text lastnight from him to a “friend” saying he wanted sex. I confronted him, quite angrily, and he recognised it hurt me though stated he didnt mean sex with her which is still confusing to me..anyway he appologised and we have stopped the fighting now however it is still killing me on the inside. I dont want to bring it up again as he just gets angry and i get angry and upset but im not sure how to overcome it. He says he feels like he cant do anything anymore (talk / be friends with other girls) and I dont want him to feel like this but at the same time im not sure how to deal with it. any suggestions?
good post!
but would you say that some jealousy is good jealousy?
well…i admit im a jealous person…but a really jealous person…im trying to stop being so jealous but it is on my mind…well this is the story between my man and me…it started when he and i started talking to know each other…and he once talked about his boss..that she had a nice body..and once his boss was with her daughter he once said “sometimes moms are better than daughters”…well that time it did not affected me because i did not like him…well time past…and now i love that man…i love him so much…he has everthing i have been looking for in a man….but my jealousy is making me bad and him away…i cant stand him being next to her..(she is married by the way supposibly happily married)…everytime she gets near him i get so jealous…but my boyfriend always says its all about work…but i cant stand it…in my mind are my bf words and also what his boss told him once…(she once comment him how strong he was)…once i see them i imagine them together…i just cant stand it…but i love my boyfriend a lot and i wish i find help to stop being jealous…this article is a start off…thanks
P.S. by the way my boyfriend and friends as me why im so jealous of him…they say that because he is older than me for 20 years..and they always tell me not to worry because im young and i can find someone fast…i do not know what to do..
I need help, my jealousy issues are taking a serious toll on my marriage. My husband and I are both active duty military and for the last year and a half we have been stationed apart. We both have children from previous relationships, and my daughter lives with us (when we live together) He has been a big part of her life from the time she was an infant (she is now 4). This is what frightens me the most of our marriage falling apart, not only that i feel like i cant live without him, but that she loves him as well.
But onto my jealousy issues. My husband just returned from a deployment in Nov 2009, and in January 2010 I happend to go online and look at our phone bill and there were probably 1,000 text messages and phone calls to another woman dating back to when he returned from deployment. Come to find out she was also active duty military and they were deployed together, after i “FLIPPED OUT” on him and also called the woman they both assured me that there was nothing to worry about, I made my husband change his phone number and told him if I saw her number on our bill even once i would file for divorce. Since then I have not seen her number, but I fequently check the phone bill. I have convenced my self that he did not sleep with her because that is what he told me, but in my gut I have a hard time believing that. So now he has a friend who is a female who he rarely talks to, maybe once a week and I saw on the bill that they had 20 or so messages back and fourth the other day and he deleted them from his phone. Last night we argued about it and he said he deleted them because he didnt want me to over react. And I am over reacting because if he deleted them he must be hiding something. (I just got stationed with him finally) How can I loose the feelings of jealousy and just feel more care free because when I talk to him about it he acts like I am crazy. Which I am a little bit but I just cant get myself to trust him even though it may be nothing but a friendship!
HELP!
Some one help! I am at a point in my relationship that i think i have ruined it with my jealousy and insecurities! I am at the place where I realize the problem is within myself. My partner has often suggested that I have a problem and I have just never really looked at myself until now. I know she is the perfect person for me and I want to do what i can to salvage our relationship. Here’s the situation…we got involved with each other and she ended a 10 yr relationship that had been struggling for years due to the other’s infidelity and my partner has lots of unresolved insecurities over it. The other person did not want to end it but it did and moved 12 hours away. My partner has carried feelings of guilt and feels like she abandoned the situation. Since their breakup they have continued frequent contact via text and emails including many i love yous and miss yous. She has also gone 5 times to visit this person and has not allowed me to go either time stating that she just didn’t think it would be a good situation for any involved. When she goes it just puts me into a tailspin. She has left me 3 times stating that she need her space and some time to get herself together. Currently she is about to leave again in a few days, this time her reason is because i am insanely jealous and don’t understand that her ex and her are just friends. i have asked repeatedly for an appropriate time and space between the two of them so that our relationship can grow. This other person has always overshadowed our relationship from day 1. She repeatedly tells me that she is here because of me and if she wanted to go, she would have made the move with her ex bc the opportunity has been there. Am i just over the top on this? I really want to let all of this go and not continue to ruin what i know has the potential to be a wonderful thing. Please help!
Great question. A small degree of jealousy shows care and concern. It’s flattering to us when are partner is protective of our relationship. As long as this is done in moderation and doesn’t turn into arguments and fights, it can actually make you feel more special and important to the one who shows those more subtle signs of jealousy. For example, if the woman asks you where you were and acts slightly suspicious, it’s normal and it should tell you that you are just not another guy to her, but of course if she hires investigators or follows you at odd hours of the days or hacks into your e-mail – that’s goes far beyond the acceptable. This is just one example to illustrate.
I have a bit of a unique twist to this jealousy issue. My boyfriend and I are both in our first relationship and both come from families with issues. Before I met him, I didn’t even think love really existed, just weird obsessions that ended badly.
Anyway, I am not jealous of him when it comes to other girls. He is completely devoted and I trust him to every degree. We have been together 2 years and he still adores the ground I walk on.
Often times though, I feel like he is too good for me. My jealousy stems from the fact that he is so good at everything that I feel inadequate. It is also important for me that we treat each other as equals. By that I mean that I am the sort of female who does not want to be stuck doing household chores. He understands that and we do manual labor (which I enjoy) together. However, I still always feel like I’m just helping him, i.e. holding the flashlight while he fixes the car. This makes me angry. It’s just because he’s strong and experienced but I still don’t like it. We’ve talked about it. But my insecurities won’t go away.
I become most jealous when we rock climb because his skills make me feel insecure and horrible. For 2 years we used to never argue. This May we did almost every day. I am conscious of the fact that I started the little tiffs with my jealousy. Each one always ends in me crying and him comforting me. We tell each other everything so he knows that I am jealous and trying to change.
I just can’t get a handle of it though. Now that I have graduated from college and he still has one more year, I am becoming jealous of him having fun without me. We were a very tame couple, usually opting to stay home and cook or watch a movie rather than party. Now though, I worry about him going out and doing fun things wihtout me. I’m not worried about girls, just him existing without me.
I know it’s irrational and that I’ve developed an unhealthy attachment to him. How do I fix this without letting my feelings drive us apart? I love him very much.
A very interesting problem and the one that’s important to resolve. I believe one of the keys to handling this is that you have to stop comparing yourself to him. Well, at least when it comes to rock climbing. Who said that you should be as strong and as fast as a guy who is built differently and who is naturally physically more capable than you? Perhaps you should consider being proud of your differences.
Without knowing much about you or him, I am pretty sure that there are things that you are much better at than he is, some of which you might not be aware of. You have to keep in mind that relationship is about partnership and not competition.
Most importantly – he is devoted to you, so he must have reasons to want to be with you, and that’s what counts most. There are qualities that he sees in you that make it worth it for him to be with you.
I am not sure if I am being possessive or I am right in being so jealous. My boyfriend and I had been in a long-distance relationship for 2 years. During that period, we were absolutely fine. I never cared what he did or where he went when I wasn’t around.
Then we got back together. I started noticing how he had made numerous female friends in the past 2 years. Also, he had become addicted to social networking sites, checking out random females profile/photos etc. Though I was bothered, I didn’t react.
But after a few months, I realized he had been flirting over phone to a female for quite some time. I was shocked. It was devastating to imagine him doing something that would hurt me.
He apologized to me and convinced me to believe him. But since then, I have lost my trust in him. I doubt every action of his. I have become extremely possessive.
And I am not sure if my behavior is justified.
Hi
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 10 years and we are both jealous people. however, over 2 years ago he cheated on me and i have not managed to fully get over it. this makes me very untrusting to the point that i will sneak around and look for signs of him cheating again. by this i mean, snooping in his phone when he is sleeping or in the shower. he doesnt let me see his phone otherwise.
more recently, i snooped and come across a number of emails between him and his best friend (who is a girl) where he mentions that he sees another girl from time to time….. and she drives him crazy with her body….his friend (who also hates me) tries to tease out more info and make it sound like he is sleeping with this other person but he dismisses her theory and changes the subject to another HOT CHICK that he saw checking him out. there is no actual evidence where he specifies that he has actually done anything with this person or any other in the emails. however, i am freaking out and can not confront him. does that warrant me being jealous and untrusitng and insecure. i am trying to convince my self that it is all in my head and that i am being paranoid….. or am i….. help… i am losing my mind!!!