I am all about giving just about anyone the benefit of the doubt and not judging them by just one fact or one thing they say or believe in. However, there are things that some women say about themselves that should not only be a red flag, but they should be a full stop-sign to any guy, who is remotely interested in meeting someone who could be a relationship material. “I don’t do coffee dates. If you want me to go out with you, you can take me out to dinner.” is one of those stop-sign statements. This is just not something a decent woman would ever say or even think of saying, in part but not only because it just screams “I am a transactional, materialistic woman who is looking at dating some type of business with its own ROI”.
Unfortunately, there are so many videos and articles out there that tell women not to go out with guys on coffee dates, because these women need to know and communicate to men that they are “worth more than coffee”. Just google “coffee dates” or something similar and you will see posting after posting discouraging women from accepting invitations to coffee dates. This type of attitude to a first date itself, i.e. putting a higher price tag on going out, besides being overall lame, doesn’t appreciate the fact that a more elaborate date is appropriate with someone you already like and are interested in based on having gotten to know them somewhat prior to that.
There should not be a high price tag on a woman’s mere presence the very first time they meet. In other words, “if he really likes me and if he really wants to go out with me, he will take me out to dinner” isn’t the right way of thinking about your first date. Maybe this would apply to future dates, if that first date is good enough for both of you to want to see each other again. But, it is unrealistic to expect any guy to “like a woman enough” before he even gets to know her on the most basic level. He can be attracted to her right away but that’s the same as liking her.
So, don’t turn down dates because they are “coffee dates”. There is nothing wrong with grabbing coffee or a drink. It’s not an insult to you, and it’s not low effort on the part of the guy who is asking you out for coffee. What makes your date special is not the activity or the type of beverage you are consuming but on whether or not there will be a connection between the two of you. And what makes any date low effort or high effort is the amount of effort the guy puts into listening to you, speaking with you, and overall paying attention to you, and not how much he is paying at the counter.
And, to men – as harsh as it sounds, if any woman you are talking to says that she doesn’t do coffee dates, then she probably isn’t the right one to take on any date, regardless of how much money you have and how easily or not so easily you can afford a dinner date.
I’m definitely not dating anymore, but you just explained why a girl would say no. Your entire approach is transactional — you’re the one thinking about money and paying for relationships. And you’re assuming that she’s transactional, too. You’re suspicious because your own thinking about relationships is not good, and you’re remarkably unimaginative. And reading this, my guess is that many men who insist on coffee first dates are really just there to behave like they’ve wandered into the Woman Store and will decide at a glance whether they like the merch on display, and if not bounce. Which is a terrible way to treat another person, and also wastes their day.
There’s a whole world of date ideas that don’t involve spending money. Museums, Hikes. Skating. Wide world of sports, movie, theatre, readings, the list goes on & on. But you somehow can’t think of any of them. All you can think about is defending against some fictional golddigger while seeing your way clear to getting your pickle wet and maybe even having a girlfriend.
Babe, they’re not turning you down because they want a free meal. They have jobs, they can buy food. They’re turning you down for some obvious reasons here.