As I point out in my audio program “20 Laws of Successful Relationships”, comparing yourself to your partner’s ex-es is pointless and even harmful. Wondering if that person who was in your partner’s past was better than you, more attractive than you and had a better romantic time and emotional connection with your current partner than you do is unhealthy for many reasons. This kind of jealousy and comparison would make you come across as insecure and thus unattractive and also as plainly annoying to your partner. Further, it is likely to make you very unhappy. Instead of focusing on and enjoying your own interaction and relationship, being hung up on what your dating partner did before he/she met you will literally drive you crazy and prevent you from making the most out of your relationship. Luckily, there are several, simple and proven to be effective ways you can overcome this issue and liberate yourself from being jealous of our partner’s ex(-es):
1. Realize and remind yourself that there is always someone “better” out there. This is just the nature of life. There is always someone more educated, more attractive and more successful than you are, no matter who you are. There is nothing wrong with it. But this shouldn’t make any difference to your own life and your own sense of self-worth. After all, we all have our own path in life, our own unique set of circumstances, talents, abilities and opportunities. Your mission should be making the most out of what you have and being the best person you can be considering all the facts and circumstances of your life. Nobody can take the opportunity to do just that from you. The most important battles and victories you should be striving for are the ones against yourself.
2. Remember: your partner is with you for a reason – it’s because he/she wants to be with you and not that other person that he/she used to be with before meeting you. There must be something about you that he likes and appreciates more than in others. You might not even see or know what it is that is so special about you that your partner finds attractive and interesting about you, but that doesn’t really matter, even though you could ask and find out.
3. Accept your partner’s dating past as part of his/her life and of who he/she is and as something that actually makes him/her a better and a more experienced partner and lover. The love life of your partner must have taught him a few valuable lessons about himself and the opposite sex. It’s very likely that his past romantic experience allows him to be a more competent partner now who is less likely to make the same mistakes he did in the past.
Jealousy is a powerful emotion. You should expect it to disappear after talking to a friend or an expert, reading one article or even an entire book. It takes time to overcome jealousy. But as you remind yourself of the above points periodically, it will surely help you overcome, abandon, and liberate yourself from jealousy quicker and easier.
Related posts:
I don’t know who left who in your relationship but, Maybe try thinking of it this way.
Just what if she is jealous of you but does not show it. I am on the opposite side of things. My husband divorced me. Even though I knew it would never work between us, I can’t get my mind off what we may have missed and what she has the opportunity to have with him.
It is a very hard process to overcome jealousy of your partners x, I know because I had the very same insecurtiy.. What helped me is the Standing fact that whatever attracted him to her obviously was not strong enough to keep them together and thus he has moved on and is now in a relationship with someone else. And that someone is me..
Dont let jealousy cloud your chances of being truly happy and content with your partner enjoy the time you have together and just make the best of it. Let the past be in the past and focus on what you have now and what you want in the future. No amount of jealous thoughts or emotions is going to change the past it’s there and over and done with…
My husband and I are newly married. He is in the military and gone frequently. Each of us have facebooks to keep in touch with friends and family. My friends, are just that, friends. Some of his are girls he had slept with previous to our relationship or ex girlfriends he has had. Most of them he doesn’t talk to, they are just there; however, he does stay in touch with a couple of them. And it bothers me. One of them will send me messages asking when he’ll be home, and things of the sort. It’s hurtful to me that he would maintain a relationship with a woman he has had relations with other than friendship. I’ve nicely told him it upsets me and it would make me feel better if he no longer kept contact with them. I don’t want them on his facebook knowing what we’re doing on a day to day basis and vice versa. I know he would never cheat on me or talk to them about our marriage or use them for emotional comfort. But this still is bothering me that when he is home, he would take several minutes out of our short time together to chat with them online or via text messaging. Am I wrong of feeling this way? If he chooses to still keep in touch and if it is that important to him, I will allow it, I won’t like it, but I won’t tell him he cannot do something. If he chooses this, how can I get over it? I don’t want to be a controlling/demanding wife…
LeAnn, as a recently divorced military man, and just being a man in general, I have a few points for your consideration. First if he is with you, that’s a pretty good start. It means he chose you. It seems odd to me that a fair percentage of his FB “friends” are from prior relationships, and maybe you should see it as a bit of a slap in the face. Is he using FB as his personal “trophy case”? In any case, it sounds like both of you are very young, and maybe he doesn’t know exactly how bad this makes you feel. It would be wrong if you were feeling spikes of hate/rage/jealousy every time the name of an ex came up, or you saw a picture of him and an old prom date. However, if he is on contact with an ex on a regular basis, it sounds to me like a guy who is keeping his “options” open, in case things don’t work out between the two of you. Yes, his taking any of a limited time together to keep in touch with an ex should rub you the wrong way (especially if he is only home for a couple of weeks during a year long tour), unless she falls into one of the exceptions below.
For most guys exes who turn into “friends” are the exception, not the rule. All of my exes, are exes for a reason (her fault, my fault, noone’s fault, whatever) and the only ones I ever considered keeping in contact with were the ones I was still partially interested in and the one who bore my child. The only real exceptions to this are girls who were friends long before dating took place. Maybe someone he has known since grammar school or who is/was a family friend.
Guilt Through Love
Guilt is one of the most common forms of stress in our society. The
world is full of guilt-ridden people. Unless you are one of those rare
individuals who have overcome this destructive emotion, you probably
share a variety of unnecessary guilt feelings with the vast majority.
Most of us have been conditioned to feel guilty. Family, friends, society,
school, loved ones and religion have consciously or unconsciously
turned us into guilt machines. We have been reminded since childhood
of our so-called “bad behavior” and made to feel guilty about things we
did or didn’t do, or said or didn’t say. Since most of us are conditioned to
seek approval from others, we cannot handle guilt when it is imposed
upon us from an outside source.
Guilt is the master tool of the manipulator. All a person has to do is to
make us feel guilty and we feel compelled to get back into their good
graces as soon as possible. Most people can be manipulated into doing
just about anything if they can be made to feel guilty enough.
Why do we permit this to happen? Simply because guilt has been
associated with caring and, if you don’t care, you are a “bad person.”
The truth is that guilt has nothing whatsoever to do with caring. Rather,
it is a manifestation of neurotic behavior, behavior which, oddly enough,
is accepted as “normal” by most people. In other words, to show that
you really care, you are expected to feel guilty. If you don’t, then you
don’t really care. This twisted line of reasoning controls the lives of a
tragic number of individuals.
It is interesting to note that when I say one must never
feel guilty, someone invariably raises his hand and asks, “Do you mean
that I shouldn’t ever feel guilty about anything?” Of course, what he is
trying to say is that he has been so conditioned into feeling guilty that he
feels guilty about not feeling guilty!
“If you loved me…” are some of the most guilt-producing words used in
a love relationship to manipulate the other partner. When we say, “If you
loved me, you would do this,” we are really saying, “Feel guilty if you
don’t do it!” or “If you refuse, you really don’t care about me.”
Since we have been conditioned that we must show that we care, we
are easily manipulated by these guilt phrases And, if these phrases
don’t work, we can always resort to other tactics such as the silent
treatment, refusal of sex, hurt feelings, anger, tears or tantrums.
Another tactic is to use guilt to punish our partners for behaviors that we
feel are inconsistent with our values and beliefs. We bring up past
transgressions and remind them of how “wrong” they were and how they
disappointed us and let us down. As long as we can keep this guilt
game going, we can manipulate them into doing what we want. When
they do not live up to our beliefs, expectations and values, we use guilt
to “set them right.” These are but a few of the ways we use guilt in a
love relationship.
I have immense paranoia that something is going to break up the most amazing relationship I have ever had. He is the love of my life, but my insecurities come from past relationships where i did not feel good enough, so now in the present i am amazed that he loves me the way I am.
I have seen photos of his exes and they seem so much better than me. And for a while i kept what i was feeling inside. Eventually I told him, and he told me there was nothing to worry about, and he said something that will always stick in my mind when I am getting paranoid or jealous, he said- “I chose you, I was lead to you. I have never been more happy with someone than I have with you, and the thing you have to remember is its all in the past, and the past is over. It all ended for a reason. Just like all our your past relationships ended for a reason. We have eachother NOW and we are happy. all we need to focus on is the now and the future, because the past is over and gone, and it is not coming back”
Everyone goes through jealousy, insecurities and paranoia. EVERYONE. some more than others, and some feel it stronger. but the main thing to remember is just like you would want them to trust that your past is your past, you should do the same for them. Dont let a silly emotion, and the thoughts of something you cannot change(past) effect the beauty of what you have now. The sooner you learn this, the better. Trust me.
ok so my story comes out this way. My boyfriend’s ex left him because she has cancer and she doesnt want to see him become tortured as he sees her suffering. It kinda makes me feel threatened mainly because they didnt leave each other because it was someone’s fault or out of hatred and whatever. She still contacts him sometimes. And the other day my boyfriend was open to me and told me that he went to church to pray for her and prayed that God takes him instead of her because she deseves to live. I know he is with me now,but i think he still has feelings for her and i’m afraid that he loved her like no one else and wont be able to give the same amount of love to any girl after her. That’s why i get jealous and feel insecure over everything that has to do with this girl. We do have enjoyable times together and he says that he loves me and he even plans for our future together, he doesnt call or text alot which makes me wonder if he is not thinking of me throughout the day but thinking of her or getting depressed over her which is yet another problem. I feel sorry for her and i think that my bf should be there to support her .Afterall they were once together, but still i always get afraid that while she is contacting him he starts remembering the old days that eventually she takes him away from me. am i right to feel jealous of her? or should i just accept the fact that he is with me and thats it???
To MK – having cancer is no excuse to mess with someone’s feelings. People get cancer all the time and die every day. If she wanted to end it to spare his suffering then she should have ended it once and for all. Keeping in contact is hurtful and destructive to everyone concerned. It sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it. I would implore your boyfriend to sever all contact. It’s just not fair for any of you.
hi,
My boyfriend of 1 year has got a house with his ex, which is fine by me but then i had discovered when i was out of the country he had gone and visited her and even took her car to get fixed! Now i dont think that is very appropriate especially to do it behind my back! Anyway he explained that he knows it seems wrong but he has to keep her sweet over the house and that she really hurt him in the past and he wants to make her see whats she missing out on.. little did he know (until i told him) that by doing this, its making it seem that he’s interested in her.. and she is loving that he is paying her all this attention. She was emailing him quite a bit. I told him to put a stop to it, and that she can only contact him if its an emergency to do with the house.
I probably sound like a bit of a bunny boiler but i feel that its so disrespectful to me and it hurts to think that he was sneaking around… what more could he be capable of??
Thanks for listening
Annie, I usually never reply to these kinds of things, but after reading your post I just had to. I can relate to what you said so much, I was away and my guy (well not anymore) went away with his ex. He gave me some bs story about how they’re just friends yet he was telling her he only wanted her. He told me that he wanted her to see what she was missing out on also. I tried to forgive him but a relationship just isn’t working. I can’t trust him anymore.
I have the same problem, my boyfriend keeps in touch with his ex-es and I can´t stand it. It look like a childish thing but I can´t avoid it.
It is nice to read this article and your replies…but I need some impartial advice.
My boyfriend of a year and a half is not divorced. They haven’t been together for 8 yrs and have 2 children that they share custody with. When they first split things were “ugly” but then they started getting along and worked out arrangements and time just went by. He admittedly didn’t end things (she had an affair) and considers the marriage a failure and has regrets.
His ex’s boyfriend just moved in with her (he has children and I’m not sure if he’s divorced or not).
my issue is that I have will not move in (we have talked about it) with him if he’s not divorced. they have set up times to meet and start the process but one of them cancels. I’m not sure what her deal is–why she wouldn’t want to get the divorce going herself since she has obviously moved on.
I don’t think either one is holding out to get back together–they know that they split for good reasons….but I am stuck by the fact that they haven’t even STARTED the whole process. I don’t get it.
Thoughts? Help?
HI,
My husband and I have been together for 4 years. I have an issue that I am trying to get over and seen this site and has made me really think. I wanted to share my story and maybe get some advice… He has an ex that use to live right next door to him they were off and on for about 2 years she was the type that had her whole life planed out.. Cared about what everyone thought of him (he had a very hard childhood life) he met me and at the time I was seeing someone and I was honest with him he tried 3 times and finally I gave him a try… We got along great from the start. When he first started bringing me around his house she would get very mad I didn’t understand if that was his ex… I guess they stayed friend after they broke up she dragged him along for about 6 months because she didn’t know how to break up with him. She wanted him to wait for her tell she was 27 to start starting her life with him… well since she had a problem with seeing me at his house he stop bringing me around.He asked her out of respect for her and her parents that still thought they were 2gether.I didn’t not agree with that so I talk to him and told him to think about my feelings.So he started bring me around his house again. Things were good the only issue I still had where them talking still because I knew they loved each other. He explained to me time and time again that they were friend’s be4 me and didn’t think it was fair to just stop talking to her… So I finally got over it so I thought…well we moved in 2gether and things where pretty good…I found out I had cancer and my mom lived in a different state she wanted me to move so I can get the proper help I needed.. I told him that I would be moving and didn’t want to hold him back from moving on with his life because that was his hometown no one has ever got him to leave his hometown not even his sisters. Or he could come out with me he looked at me and told me that would not leave my side and wanted to move with me…So we packed up and left I got the treatment and proudly to say I beat the cancer.Once we moved out here he aske my parents for my hand and got married. We have been doing really good out here and I have asked him if he wants to move back he tells me no he loves it here just different not having his family around that’s all he had where we lived. When we got married me he promised me that he would no longer talk to his ex that it’s left in the past. Tell this day he tells me that he has not talk to her I have asked him if he misses her friendship or even talking to her. I said no that she is in the past. Yes I’m sure he wonders how she’s doing. Well recently he got a FB he has only added his family he has given me his pw and the email accounts we have we know the passwords, phone records show nothing of him talking to her. But his girl cousin has recently added his ex and ever since then I keep thinking that his cousin will somehow be involved on them speaking to each other. I know he has at least looked her up maybe just to see if her profile if public and see how’s she doing but then again I really don’t know. I can’t control the jealousy and I feel it will ruin everything we have. I recently found out I was pregnant but had to abort it because it was in the wrong tube not because I wanted to that was also a hard thing to get through and all happen at the same time that I am thinking that is also a reason I am being the way I am don’t want to be like this…can someone plz help me?? ?
My husband and I have been married for 15 years and I absolutely hate the way I feel when he has to get together with his ex. She treated me horribly and even came into my house one day while we were on vacation to paint a room for her son. She broke my husbands heart and I was with him to help hime through this horrible time. Now, its like she is wonderful in every way. She is so attentive to my husband when they see each other. She always greets him with a hug and a kiss. They recently helped their son move into a new house…it took 3 days and every night my husband would come home with stories about her, and putting down her husband. My husband is a good man and I know I am hurting him when I spout off about this situation. I want to stop this craziness and enjoy our life together. Any suggestions?
well ladies def know how you are ALL feeling.. See my problem is this, he has a child to his ex and he tells me F her and it isnt my problem if she doesnt have things of their kid for example old baby photos he wont care but i’ll say to him ok then if that how you feel then OK but then weeks later shes texting him saying thank you for the photos and what not after him swearing and carrying on about it like it is the end of the world and she’s the devil.. What do i do this isnt the first time and it bothers the living daylights out of me cause he knows i hate her i just hate the fact that he’d tell me something for months and months and then does the TOTAL OPPOSITE. Majority of the time it makes me hate him literally hate him and it gets to a point where i dont even know what i am doing with him had i known it was gonna be like this i would not have bothered. PLEASE HELP ME over come my hatred ladies..
I am in a gay relationship and I’ve been having problems with how my fiances been with 4 other people then me. He is my first relationship so I have no ex’s to speak of but when ever I hear anything about his ex’s I get extremely jealous that hes had relations before me. He can’t give me very good reason for why he broke it off with his ex’s aside from “it was a fling”. I know this isn’t the same type of situation some of these other stories bring up but its really hurting.
@Alex Perhaps it’s not something bad that was between them but there was nothing really good or worthwhile for him to stay with his ex partner.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half and I cannot get over his ex. She is gorgeous, smart, talented and pretty much has everything I want. I am recently learning guitar and when I got done playing my boyfriend a song he said it reminded him of her, she wrote a song for him when they broke up. That hurt me really bad and I feel like everything I do, reminds him of her and that makes me so angry. I don’t know what to do because she has a facebook and he always wants to talk to her and keeps asking her why she won’t talk to him. I am really jealous of her. I don’t know what to do because I can’t seem to stop seeing what she is doing on facebook and being jealous of everything she does. What do I do?
@Jessica,
Hello. Your feelings are understandable, but please consider the following. Every person has positive qualities. If your boyfriend’s ex had one positive quality that you have as well, then it is likely to remind him of her. He would be smart not to bring it up and keep it to himself. And it’s perfectly ok for you to ask him not to compare you to him. You should also invite him to be completely open and honest with you as to whether he is truly over her, regardless of how she feels about him. You should also find out why he is so eager to reach out to her and be in touch with her.
You should commit to stopping to pay attention to their Facebook activity. It’s not healthy for your life and your self-esteem.
Also, as I point out in my audio program about relationships, you should stop comparing yourself to his ex. It does nothing good for you. She is superior to you in some ways and you are superior to her in other ways. That’s life. The moment you start comparing and competing with an ex, you automatically lose. Be proud of what you have and what you bring to the table, and the rest is likely to take care of itself.