How to Overcome and Abandon Jealousy

overcome jealousyFew qualities are more unattractive in a person and are unhealthy to a romantic relationship or even casual dating than jealousy. Jealousy leads to insecurity, anger, unfounded and unnecessary fights in relationships and painful break-ups for no good reason. Thus, learning how to overcome and abandon jealousy can be critical to having a good dating life and romantic relationships that last.

I remember asking one of my female classmates to go out dancing. We have been talking and studying together once in a while. She had a boyfriend and she knew I had a girlfriend. My behavior around her was not flirtatious or suggestive in any way and I was definitely not interested in her sexually. Also, we were going with a group of classmates so it wouldn’t just be me and her. In other words, there was no reason to suspect that I was romantically interested in her or that she will be in any kind of “bad” situation. Despite that, her response to my invitation to go dancing was very surprising to me. She told me that she couldn’t go because her boyfriend wouldn’t allow her to go to a club with anyone, unless he was coming as well, and he didn’t want to go. It wasn’t that I was the problem for her boyfriend. She couldn’t go out without him at all, even with her girlfriends. I was kind of shocked to hear that the guy was expecting that from his girlfriend and that she was actually ok with that.   There was so much I wanted to tell her about this, but I didn’t know where to start.

Jealousy is one of the worst poisons to any relationship. The devastating effects of jealousy are twofold: first, jealousy ruins good communication between people, causing a multitude of unfounded arguments and fights; secondly, jealousy conveys some of the most unattractive qualities in a jealous person such as lack of confidence and insecurity which are some of the biggest turn offs for both men and women.

Jealousy and irrational suspicion of your dating partner loyalty indicate insecurity in a person’s self-worth and lack of confidence in his ability to attract and keep a partner interested. A lover who suspects his partner of unfaithfulness without having real evidence of that will literally “terrorize” him by questioning and constantly treating him as a suspect of the crime of cheating. This is one of the reasons that overcoming jealousy is critical to both maintaining a good relationship and saving the one that’s one the brink of break up because of jealousy.

Ironically, we are more likely be jealous and let it adversely affect our behavior, if the relationship is otherwise great, and if we are particularly happy with our partner and know that the relationship we are in is great and isn’t easy to find or replace. Our jealousy and possessiveness is thus a side effect of our desire not to lose something that is special and very precious to us. And the more precious our partner is to us, the more carefully we guard him / her by being jealous. That concern and fear of loss of someone great and special leads us to over-protecting it. Being suspicious, showing lack of trust, and questioning your partner way too much about his whereabouts in an investigating manner cause unnecessary arguments and fights are all consequences of jealousy.  Don’t let this happen to you – don’t let your jealousy sabotage a good relationship.

If you believe that you subject your partner to jealousy for no rational reason, start working on overcoming it immediately. Eliminating jealousy is not a quick process. Jealousy is a trait of character, a frame of mind and an emotion. As such – getting rid of it is a gradual process that requires work, self-reflection, patience, and persistence. The good news is that the rewards of dealing with and overcoming jealousy will likely keep you free of jealousy for the rest of your life and will make your future relationships much more successful and much less likely to fall apart because of your possessiveness and tendency to be too controlling.

So, what are the steps that you can take to deal with and overcome jealousy and possessiveness?

The first and the most important step in dealing with jealousy is, like with many other issues is recognizing that you have a problem and admitting it to yourself and to your partner. Most people who have jealousy issues are in denial and refuse to admit that their behavior and perception are irrational and their lack of trust is unsubstantiated by any real facts. Recognizing that you have a problem is essential to your motivation to work on it and to your success in overcoming jealousy. Once you have passed this crucial first step and have recognized that you are jealous, I suggest that you adopt the following, proven-to-be-effective beliefs. These beliefs will gradually eliminate your jealousy and all of its manifestations:

Become aware and accept the fact that whether you trust the person you are with or not, whether you question his actions or not, and whether you “spy” on him has no positive effect on his behavior and faithfulness. If a man or a woman wants to cheat, he / she will find a way to cheat, and there is nothing you can do to prevent it. So, stop it! Stop assuming the worst about him. Stop wondering where he is and what he is doing at any given moment! Learn how to stop being needy and clingy with your partner. It will not do any good to either you or him. Assume the best about your partner and his faithfulness to you until and unless you have real reasons to believe otherwise, because there are simply no better options.

Keep in mind that the only reason, the only thing that keeps your partner around you is his desire to be with you. Nothing else keeps either of you near each other, and certainly not your jealousy. And his desire to be with you comes not from your pressure to be together, not from your being jealous or your attempts to convince him to be faithful to you, but from your other qualities that make you attractive and desirable to your partner. Your efforts to keep your partner have no positive effect on your relationship. If anything, it might put excess pressure on that person – something that no one enjoys and tolerates for very long. Remember that the best “leash” is the loose one or even better – a total absence thereof.

To remove your mind from jealous thoughts, become a little more selfish. Spend more of your time and your emotional and intellectual resources on building yourself as an individual rather than perceiving yourself as part of the relationship. Work on your career and your other goals. Take a class in a field that you have an interest in, learn a new language, engage in a form of creative art, take a dance class, and do anything else that you have or might have an interest in, so that there is more to your life than just that relationship, and so that your life does not revolve around any given person and his faithfulness to you. Pursuing other objectives of your life will prevent you from obsessing over your partner and will keep you in a much healthier emotional state, free of jealousy.

By getting rid of jealousy, you will exhibit some of the most attractive qualities in you. You will show your confidence in yourself and in your ability to attract the other person and maintain his exclusive romantic interest in you without doing it with force. You will affirm your value as a wise person. Don’t miss out on such an easy way to demonstrate those great qualities by rising above jealousy.

Remember, there is no insurance policy for maintaining any relationship. Any relationship can fall apart at any time, however stable and long lasting it has been so far. Just look around – 20-year and longer marriages fall apart every day for all kinds of reasons. I don’t mean to say this to be negative or cynical about life or to make you even more skeptical about love and loyalty. And, this doesn’t mean that you have to expect the worst, but it does mean that you have to recognize that to a large extent, any relationship is inherently unpredictable. Whether you are casually dating someone or are married, whether you have been together for one month or twenty years, it’s possible that your relationship will end at any time for a hundred possible reasons.And jealousy certainly won’t help make any relationship more stable.

What does this mean to you?

This means that you should enjoy and appreciate your relationships as long as they last. At the same time you should accept and embrace the possibility that any such relationship might be over one day. And if it is, it will be tough to deal with, especially if you really, really like someone, but you will always get over it with time. It will not be the end of the world for you. Your duty is being the best you can be in a relationship that you want to have. The rest is not up to you. The rest depends on your partner and you have no control over it. And, whatever you have no control over, should not concern you or be a cause of your anxieties.

As you are successfully fighting and overcoming jealousy, you will start experiencing tremendous freedom. This is the kind of freedom where you enjoy your love life without the taxing pain of constant jealousy and insecurity and the pleasure of giving your partner a better, wiser, stronger, and happier you! Once your partner feels more free and less restricted by your jealousy, he will likely find you more attractive. No one really enjoys being on a tight leash.

Despite all the negative things that can be said about jealousy, it seems that this emotion is part of human nature. For hundreds or even thousands of years jealousy and desire for revenge lead to murders, wars, and other smaller-scale conflicts. Perhaps accepting that we are all prone to jealousy to some extent is an important step toward knowing how to handle it and how to not let it negatively affect your personal, professional and romantic life. After all, being jealous of a co-worker who was promoted over you is just as bad as being jealous of your dating partner or that other person who managed to attract the one you wanted to be with.

Once you free yourself of jealousy, you will come across as a far more confident person who is much more fun to be around.  It’s possible that your partner might be used to seeing more jealousy in general or from you specifically, and he might mistake your non-jealous ways for not caring. If that’s the case, you should remind your partner that the reason you are not jealous is because you do care but you also have trust in him, and you realize that jealousy doesn’t do any good. After all, it cannot prevent any problems if they are otherwise bound to happened.

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  • Superb Chloe

    Hi I’ve been emotional for a while because of the situation that my girlfriend (im a girl too.) Saod to me that im so irritating and annoying bc of my so much clingy and sweet actions to her while we’re in the school. But i couldnt get off of it because i love her so much and even my body couldnt move without going to her like i stare at her always saying to my girl that shes beautiful, kissing her and hugging her always saying to her that i love her. My day couldnt just be complete without giving those sweet actions to her but she said that shes being irritated and annoyed bc one time we got caught and was issued at the school principal PDA so i was thinking now shes just very afraid for thst to happen again bc she might be transferred to other schools already but i get hurt when she acts like shoo-ing me away just when i touch her simply she shoo’s my hands away. then i just cry (so gay) bc of the hurt im feeling and i also feel jealous when i think when shes with her friends i see more smiles of her but when with me she just say “you’re so annoying” but i just try to understand her, how can i cope about this situation? How can i underdstand her more and for me to remove my too much clinginess for her to be not irritated to me https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/cec8b5599d3e449f9fffc6c7935c6b727557c3dab9b20c62dd0ad65f67df60c7.jpg

  • Well, it sounds like you tried it all but it didn’t work. It looks like your now ex-partner needs help and not you. Of course, he needs to realize this first before any positive changes can start occurring for him, whether he is with you or with anyone else.

  • Nayana Sundari

    Hi all, I am heartbroken at the moment…..I have ended my nearly 3 year relationship due to persistent and focused jealousy. My now-ex partner has had this obsession with my ex from a few years ago. My ex isn’t exactly trustworrthy and he is proved it time and time again. I really don’t care about him anymore, I just want to be recognised for me, and that I am honest and trustworrthy. My partner keeps mentioning my ex, even in trying to plan a holiday (I had said that I may not be able to go for as long as him, cos of work)ff then I can get “what if …….turns up at your house while I’m gone”..This trip is planned for April/May. It’s been the same for the most of the relationship….I try to establish boundaries, explain my reasons for dislike, considering that my ex is used to be jealous too, but it just doesn’t sink in at all.

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  • js27195

    I would hate that. I don’t think I could take it either.

  • js27195

    I’m the same way. Very hard to control and I know it is toxic.

  • js27195

    I think this is a really hard issue. I think you have to really pay attention to your partner and whether they want to spend time with you. If they want to go out with their friends without you all the time I think you NEED to notice that because they should WANT to spend time with you more than other people. That’s not to say they should never do anything on their own, but I’m not sure I would want to feel like my wife could care less if I was around or not. Part of dealing with jealousy is helping the jealous person feel more secure… if you go to clubs or singles bars all the time without him, you are sending him a clear message, “I like to be around available people without you there” and “I prefer to spend my free time with people other than you”. If that is the normal behavior from you and person would eventually get resentful.

  • I actually agree with you and my perspective on this specific point has changed since when this article was written. I will have to revise it to accurately reflect that.

  • Chad

    If you let girl go to the club with some other guy, your setting yourself up for failure. That’s not jealousy, it’s common sense. Remember everything you read is biased. The guy trying to steal your girl wrote and article trying to make you feel jealous. I could be right or wrong, but there’s two sides to every coin.

  • JustSayin

    I’d say him not wanting you to meet his so called “girl friends” is the first red flag….If they were “just friends”, he would WANT you to meet and feel comfortable while you two are apart! Wake up sweetie!

  • Hannele

    I am not sure if my issue has directly do with my jealousy, but none the less, my situation with my SO is getting unbearable for me to handle. I am so sorry this will be so long, but I am confused and I have a hard time identifying my feelings right now. We have both been married once, I have no kids, he has two. I met him five years ago in a work function and at the time, he was in the process of getting divorced and they were already living separately in their own respective homes. We stayed friends, I wasn’t left with a significant impression of him at the time, but he said he was left with an impression of me he never forgot. We have lots of mutual friends. He had already entered a relationship right after separating, so he said he didn’t want to ask me out, while tempted, out of respect to the new lady. At the time I would have never went out with him as he wasn’t even done with his divorce, not to mention getting over a long marriage. For the next three years we stayed friends only over FB, met a few times during that time in work related functions, but never more than exchanged hello’s, no deep discussions. I was never left with the impression that he was in any way interested in me at the time and I was surprised after three years of knowing him, to receive a message over FB where he asked if he could call me. I gave him my number thinking maybe it’s work related and was surprised to find out that he asked me out on a date. He picked me up, gave flowers, we have a great date that lasted for five hours and we literally closed the restaurant. I was very surprised of him being so nice and a true gentleman, and that I had such a different perception of him earlier. We started dating and the first three months were great. Then the red flags (for me) came up. He had half of his garage full of boxes and he could only fit one car in there. He said that the all the boxes belonged to the first gf that he started dating after moving out of his marital home. At that time the stuff had been there for two and a half years and I told him that I have a problem with that, as they had not dated in a year. I do have boundaries and this was crossing it for me. I asked how it came about that they were still there and turns out she was a single mother, lived with her parents (39 years old), she didn’t have a job that could support her and her daughter. He though he’d “help” out so she can save money. I told him that I would not be able to continue seeing him if her live belongings weren’t moved out, and that it was time. He called her immediately and she asked for more time and he then realized that she had and was just taking advantage of his good will. The more I heard about her, it sounded more and more like she was financially using him (we are well educated and have very good jobs), they only met once a month, so more like a hookup to me, opposed to a relationship. I have a feeling he didn’t want to admit to it, but deep down knew it. They had lots of issues, she was very religious, he isn’t, and finally he ended it when she gave him an ultimatum to marry her in order for her to continue to have sex with him.
    Yes, I can’t deny, but I was shocked of his choice, as he already had a bad marriage and break-up and a wife who cheated on him. I thought he would have learned a lesson and chosen “smarter”. Only a week later after the break-up with the gf, he meets a family friend at the gym, who he had known for years. Turns out she was separated, fast forward, they go on a date and have sex the same night. Another shocker for me. This only lasted a few months, she bombarded his email with half nude pictures (like the religious one as well) showing off her giant silicons, we are talking almost 200 pics in 3 months. He ended it when a friend had told him they had seen her picking up men in a restaurant breast exposed in low cut blouses, and men who happened to be very wealthy. I am thinking hopefully he learned a lesson, it’s been a bad road for him, but no. He meets another single mother at the gym and had immediately sex with her, but only lasted about ten dates and he ended it saying that he was thinking “what the hell am I doing with my life”. He went from a devoted dad and husband to a divorced reckless man, as he thought being “good” didn’t work out, so he just let it all lose. Then I enter the picture and I am a total opposite of these women. Well educated, I would like to believe I have good morals and standards, I am very loyal, and don’t sleep around, lot of fun, smart, and live a very good life, even as a single.
    These bits and pieces of his past started raveling on a weekly basis and I was getting worried about him ending up having lived such a different life style, than he actually represented. We match well together and really have a great relationship and going on almost two years now, but his past is really taking a toll on me. I would prefer to leave his past were it belongs, but it’s been on my face all the time after the 4 month mark.
    His ex-wife started giving him problems, turns out she had found out from the kids that he was dating and they had told her that dad must be in love, he has totally changed. She called him furious complaining about me (we’ve never met) and said she doesn’t want the kids around me. She didn’t allow me to accompany my boyfriend to their daughter’s graduation, I wasn’t welcomed. I told him it was ok and there was no reason to stir problems at that point, but I did realize she may be a problem in our relationship. I started going at the same gym as him, not knowing he had picked all the other ex’s from there and sure enough ran into one of the ex’s there, not knowing who she was. She recognized me from his FB pictures of us (they were FB friends) and introduced herself as his ex (of ten dates) and insinuated the type of relationship to me, letting me know in so many words that it was a sexual relationship. Personally I thought it wasn’t only tacky, considering we’ve never met, but in poor taste. I told my boyfriend about this encounter and said I felt disrespected by her and wanted to know how he felt about this and what would happen if we run into her again. He deleted all ex’s from his FB and said it was totally inappropriate and he will pull her aside and tell her that, if we should meet her. Sure enough a week later we did and what does he do? He quickly introduced me to her and continued talking like old friends, leaving me there behind. I felt like he threw me under the buss and got disrespected by him, too. I was upset and calmly explained I wasn’t happy how he handled it. We continued running into her, but he just nodded at her and never went to initiate any conversations after that, and I am sure she had noticed that he had unfriended her and realized I had told him about our encounter. We didn’t see her there after that.
    Next shocker came last October when he asked me to print concert tickets from his computer and that they were already pulled up. I did so and I after I closed the window, a picture of a woman with big silicons with a low cut shirt, exposing them, pops up. My heart sank and I asked him what it was. I could see the blood disappearing from his face and he said she had emailed him a lot of pictures, all showing her boobs. I said that was fine, but why are they still on your computer and if he has need for these pictures anymore? He said no and that he was very sorry and that he was in the process of deleting them from iPhoto. I am not sure I believe him, but he did so right then and there and saw more than I should have. It’s true, what has been seen, cannot be unseen. They all look kind of trashy and I have a really hard time grasping his choices of mates, to be honest.
    He has tried to show every day by actions how much he loves me and how he appreciates me, but it’s been hard after that and have a hard time trusting him.
    In November, I ran into his ex-wife in the grocery store (didn’t know who she was a the time) and was wondering why a woman was following me and measuring me head to toe. I told him about this weird encounter and he said maybe she liked women. Well, I ended up a week later finding out it was his ex-wife. We went to a party in a winery and she had heard from their son that we were going there. She shows up all drunk and all the sudden starts pushing me around and yelling “I’m the ex, just so you know” and causing a terrible scene amongst lots of people for about 10 minutes. I was so shocked, I wanted to go home. He was shocked as well, as it finally sunk in, she had purposely done a lot of these things along the year to make his life difficult. When we got home, I asked how he felt about what had happened. He was still in shock and since he couldn’t get a word out of his mouth, I thought I would share mine. I told him that I was appalled and shocked. I felt he wanted to give an excuse for her behavior and I stopped it right on its tracks, there was none. I have previous experience with dealing with an ex-wife, as I was a step mom when I was married and we had a great “parenting” relationship with her. I can’t say that from the current one. He said he agreed and that he’d bring this up with her and ask why she did this and that it wasn’t the way to “introduce” herself. She didn’t answer the phone and didn’t hear from her for three weeks, until she needed more money to pay kids stuff. He then brought it up, she said she wanted to introduce herself and didn’t see anything wrong with the way she handled it. The kids (16 and 18) were furious at her when she told them about the encounter and demanded that she apologize to me. We do get a long very well with the kids. She constantly contacts the kids when she knows they are spending time with us and we do something fun, never fails. My boyfriend finally told them that they do not need to answer the phone when they are under his supervision and they should take the calls privately. She also found out that I don’t live too far away and I caught her driving by sneaking to my driveway one weekend. I asked my bf if she drives such and such kind of car and he said yes, why? I told him and he was just quiet. This is worrisome behavior to me.
    We have been together for almost two years and I am starting to doubt my sanity and why I stay here, as his past pops up uninvited all the time. He did a lot of house cleaning a few months ago (which he should have done before entering a relationship) and suggested we change gyms and other places where we usually go, to avoid running into his ex’s all the time and causing trouble and to give us the needed privacy. It’s been better after that, but I feel like the damage is done and I feel very resentful towards these woman for acting the way they have and at him for not stepping up when he needed to. I am seriously contemplating this and it makes me feel terrible because he tries so hard to make things right and said that he wants a fresh new start for us and that he wants to eventually get married. I am afraid of the idea, because of his past and I am afraid I can’t handle more revelations. I definitely don’t agree with the dating choices he’s made, but those are his dings, I just don’t want to deal with them. Am I just unreasonable or too sensitive, or jealous? I don’t feel jealous though, and been very nice towards all these women when we have met, despite their own behavior. I just don’t want to sink to that level. I don’t have anyone to talk to and he said I need to move forward from all these unfortunate events, that his poor behavior has led us to. I feel like my self esteem has taken a hit, as he’s always given excuses for all of their behaviors and that doesn’t seem all right with me. I have started to question why we are together and if I want to be exposed to this forever. His ex-wife continues being a problem and recently told him that she doesn’t ever want to see me in any kids functions going forward, so just so we know. She seems to have totally emasculated him, he’s almost afraid of her and standing his ground with her. I just want some peace in our relationship and privacy, so we can finally start living our lives. These women were given that privacy when he dated them, but now they are taking my chance away and I feel he’s allowing them. Jealous? Maybe. Confused? Majorly.

  • Hello, Amanda.

    As the article says, the process of abandoning jealousy is a gradual one. I appreciate your desire to approach the issue gently. I believe one way to do it is by treating is as “our” rather than “your” problem when you refer to his jealousy. Once you make it clear that you work together on this and not putting blame on him, this will make it less likely that he gets angry, defensive, etc. And of course repeatedly assuring him for now in so many ways that he has nothing to worry about as far as losing you should be part of the solution as well.

  • AmandaV420

    Hi, I just read this and I need advice. My boyfriend is jealous, we’ve been together 4+ years. I love him so much. I want to solve our problem, not just give up. I’m worried that if I give him this article he may get upset because of how many times it mentions how most relationships aren’t going to last. Because I don’t plan on leaving him because I know we can work through this. but he does have very bad jealousy problems that’s why I want to approach the “admitting you have a problem” part, cautiously. He is very worried he’ll lose me..

  • luke

    Jealous confusion
    I love my girlfriend very much, and I am going to read this article every time I get jealous because while reading this, it brings tears to my eyes to know that I’m suffering such a toxic, sickening problem that sucks the life out of my relationship, every time I get jealous!
    Every time my girlfriend looks at another guy, talks or even smiles at, makes me instantly get a lump in
    My throat and I get an uncontrollable surge of anger and I feel like I am going to lose her when she actually loves me.
    I love her so much and she is so special to me that it makes me feel like I don’t deserve her and that anyone can take her away from me and because I never want to lose someone so special, I guard her with my life and it makes me become controlling, possessive and really crazy!

    I can’t even go shopping, to friends, out to dinner, or even driving in my car without tryin to hide her gorgeous self from the world! I could bang on all day about her but I just want someone to reply and help me understand how to rid this painful, torturous nature I have inside me

  • Confused

    I admit I’m very jelous . Am In a long distance relationship. My boyfriend has many girlfriends I don’t approve of . He spends lots of time with them . Are communication is mostly text he hardly has time to talk over the phone . And when we do talk are conversation becomes about his girlfriends what they do with him or for him . It drives me crazy . I love him so much . But don’t agree with his life style of living while we are apart. One of his friends she actually shows up at his job sites I know all this and it bothers me I do tell him how it makes me feel . He has also told to trust him he will not cheat that this girls can be naked and it dosent affect him . He tells me I’m trying to be controlling . And that I’m acting like an immature high school girl that I’m to old for that. Mind u he is also 15 years older then me. I have asked to allow me to meets this girls he hangs out with he said no way in hell because of me been so jelous. Am I teally acting controlling

  • Lydia laures

    I am out here to spread this good news to the entire world on how I got my ex love back. I was going crazy when my love left me for another girl last month, But when I meet a friend that introduce me to DR Olawole the great messenger to the whole world who God has given him the grace to help people in their relationships, I narrated my problem to DR Olawole about how my ex love left me and also how I needed to get a job in a very big company. He only said to me that i have come to the right place were I will be getting my heart desire without any side effect. He told me what i need to do, After it was been done, In the next 2 days, My love called me on the phone and was saying sorry for living me before now and also in the next one week after my love called me to be pleading for forgiveness, I was called for an interview in my desired company were i needed to work as the managing director.. I am so happy and overwhelmed that I have to tell this to the entire world to contact DR Olawole at the following email address and get all your problem solve.. No problem is too big for him to solve. Contact him direct on: ugbeninspellsolutiontemple@gmail.com And get your problems solve like me….. ONCE AGAIN HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS: ugbeninspellsolutiontemple@gmail.com I will not stop sharing his name because he done a very great job for me now my mind is full of happiness

  • rebeccageorge2

    I and my boyfriend have been dating for four year now and just last three months he told me, he no longer have feeling for me. He did not just say it like that he made it seem like it was his fault. He was like he has been thinking about his life and he feels like he doesn’t know himself anymore and that he doesn’t want to hurt me in the processes. I mean we all know those line i have used them and we all have the next words are always “I think we should take a break” which mean i want out of this relationship. I wish he told me all those things before he asked me to marry him i would totally move on with my life but now, it turn out that we were already engaged and for six months at that. I felt bonded to him my whole heart beats and skips just for him for the record his name is Sean. I tried all i could to get by knowing or having the thought in my heart that we could still fix us only to realize he broke up with me to actually date a girl i he meant. It was like he got tired of me or something. I basically never turned any of his request down what ever it was. Sean was literally the first guy i had sex with the every first day i meant them. Usually i make them wait for 40 day but with Sean everything felt right. Anytime i was with him i felt this pain in my heart it was like its bleeding but it was bleeding love. It was so magically that i can’t just explain it. So living without him knowing he left me for another girl was torture. I tried to talking to him in every way i could to make him see i love him but it was impossible. He made me feel like trash like am good for nothing and he called me fat and ugly. That really broke me down i could not believe it that of every person i have ever dated the one i love the most called me fat and ugly. My friends asked me to stop fooling myself trying to make him love me again but i was too in love i mean the heart wants what it wants right? and the more i tried the more he hated me. I was tagged by his new girlfriend and himself a sociopath. I was losing it and i fell into depression. Heaven know i was gonna kill myself because i really had nothing to leave for and he didn’t even care if i lived or died. I know this sound crazy but it was just what happened. Though we dating again with the help of a great and reliable witchdoctor Metodo Acamu, it still hurts a lot that i had to pass through all those pain. All my friend thought i was crazy because even when they tried to help me i pushed them all away so basically i was all alone in my world of pain i had already given up on life i mean i thought to myself if can’t have Sean, i was not going to live to watch him be happy with someone else. As foolish and crazy as this my sound , it was what i almost did. I was going to kill him and kill myself after wards. I don’t know, some how, maybe the universe wasn’t totally again me i came across the name witch doctor Metodo Acamu and his email address on the Internet there were a lot of comments on how real, nice and how much he has helped a lot of people fix there relationship , money issues, jobs and lottery ticket i thought contacting him was the last thing i should try before pushing on with my plan to take the life of the man i love. Believe me i was so lucky to have contacted him. He told me if i had killed Sean i would have tried in so many ways to kill myself to join him but it won’t have worked. I don’t know how true that is but i know that i was asked to get some materials for the witch doctor to make a spell that will reunite me and my fiancé. I sent him the money for the materials only because i could not get them anyway. He helped me a lot he sent a package for me with ups of which i paid for to get to me from an international. He told me to say what i want when burning the content of package with something that has the smell of incense and that in seven days Sean will be mine again and believe me please that was just what happened. It was so spiritual and out of earth that i could not understand how but i knew it worked for me and it is totally safe like Metodo Acamu told me. I know this all sound crazy but its so true and real life so. You can only know when those who need Metodo Acamu help get it. Contact him her metodoacamufortressx @yah oo. com

  • Frank Rachel

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  • Dalzombie

    I’ve already thougt of doing so, but I wasn’t sure at all, however I’ll try. Hope I get choosen too if she is as well, and thanks for the advise

  • I think it’s quite normal not to want your gf be kissing other guys, so no one can blame you for being unhappy about that. I don’t think you are a being bad boyfriend. It’s hard to think of a creative solution except perhaps for you to join the acting group…

  • Dalzombie

    I admit I’m a very jealous boyfriend, but things for me and my gf don’t go that way. I don’t check her phone, or ask her where she’s been, or with who she’s been, and nothing like that. I do trust her, and I know we love each other. But, I just don’t like somehitng that gets me constantly worried: she wants to do acting, and there’s a program where she’s been invited to cast. It’s a program about couples, and she doesn’t mind kissing another boy (just kissing, but that feels like a stab for me anyway), that being her limit. i just can’t stand the idea of her walking around and kissing another guy like a couple, even it’s all teather and acting. I’m just very fearsome about losing her. Am I being too jealous? Do I have a problem? What do I do?

  • Thanks. You have already made one important realization that should help you deal with jealousy.

  • Gettingjealousyincheck

    Great article and a very helpful perspective. I struggle daily with jealousy of my partner. The only time time jealously is good in romantic situations is when you have good reason to suspect cheating. The tricky part is being able to discern. I like the advice of this article – better to give someone the benefit of the doubt and not worry. It is pointless to experience the pangs of jealousy twice. If your partner cheats and you find out out, deal with it then instead of feeling jealous over imagined fear of it happening.

  • Hello Kelly. Of course this depends on what he does exactly and how much he spends woth his friends, but these are surely early red flags that you cant disregard especially considering how you say you feel about all this. I cant imagine that moving in together in this situation is a good idea.

  • Kelly Q.

    After reading this article, I have realized I may have a problem… ive been dating this man for 10months, however, his two close friends and I are like water and oil. They claim not to dislike me, but when I met them, they ignored me and said racial words towards me with the excuse that, “they thought they knew me like that”. The mere mention of them upsets me and my boyfriends constant need to try and get us to get along just boils me inside. I dont like that he forces them upon me. He then follows it by saying, if you cant get along with them then youll be all alone at home because you want to be. My boyfriends is telling me that when we move in together he will be gone with them to catch all these movies, for dinner, and for entire weekends for camping trips. I tell him what’s the point of moving in together if he has all this time designated to them. (Is this me being jealous, me wanting him more to myself?) We fight so much about them because he constantly wants us and them to live in harmony. He is a racist asshole with a sense of superiority ( many see him this way as well- My boyfriends family included) and his girlfriend (my bf’s other close friend) I feel is fake and an attention whore. She takes so many selfies with my boyfriend that I not only have to constantly explain their friends (I know they are just that) but my boyfriends family even thinks that commenting “cute couple” and I told them to cool it out of respect that I wasnt liking what it was causing. And she didnt care, she told him not to let me run him like that. I told him it was getting to the point where it was me or friends. And he flat out chose his friends. He is ring shopping, but its his friends. Its a mixture of hate and jealousy. That they are constantly defended and placed over me. He has called me hateful because I refuse to assosiate with them after they offended me. I know I wouldn’t want him to tell me who to no longer assosiate with, but this need to plan dates with them, get a ways with them, its like infuriating. Am I being a bitch to ask this of him? Is it a case of being jelly?

  • @ Barbara – like the article says, getting over jealousy is not an easy process. It takes time and effort, but it sure is worth it as it will make your dating/love life and pretty much all other aspects of your life better.

  • @ Kelly
    What I meant to say is that it’s ok for a girl to go to a club with a group of friends. Of course, having her go dancing with any guy one on one is asking for trouble.

  • maria

    I just want to share my experience with the world on how i got my love back and saved my marriage. I really love Louis so much that i can not even do without. I was married for 7years with 2kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had fights and arguments almost every time… it got worse at a point that he filed for divorce… I tried my best to make him change his mind & stay with me cause i loved him with all my heart and didn’t want to loose him but everything just didn’t work out… He moved out of the house and still went ahead to file for divorce… I pleaded and tried everything but still nothing worked. The breakthrough came when someone introduced me to this wonderful man who eventually helped me out with spell… I have never been a fan of things like this but just decided to try reluctantly cause I was desperate and left with no choice… He did special prayers and used herbs… Within 2 days he called me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma he had cost me, moved back to the house and we continue to live happily, the kids are happy too and we are expecting our third child. I have introduced him to a lot of couples with problems across the world and they have had good news… Just thought I should share my experience cause I strongly believe someone out there need’s it… NOTE THAT he will ask you to pay a small token amount of money to get the materials to work for you. You can email DR SANJAY via (sanjaylandofsolution60@gmail . com) Don’t give up just yet, the different between “Ordinary” & “Extra-Ordinary” is the “Extra” so make extra effort to save your marriage/relationship if it’s truly worth it.

  • @SB Thanks. We are trying to fight and erase the spam all the time and will review the comments to this article to remove spam as well.

  • SB

    BTW author of the article… the spell caster messages should be erased, they are ruining your page!

  • SB

    That is really abusive what he is doing to you. And he has no right to do that. You guys need counseling ASAP if you want to save your marriage. I feel like maybe he is projecting his own thoughts onto you that he was maybe wanting to cheat and now that you have nipped that in the bud he is now policing you to make sure you aren't going to either. My ex husband was mentally and emotionally abusive also and it wore me down, I felt like a shell of my former self. Don't let him do that to you.

  • SB

    I have an interesting situation… I used to be married to a man I was NEVER jealous of and the reason is that he didn't really pay any attention to ANY other women and was actually jealous of me and my friendships with anyone, even my family!… it was a bit intolerable and pushed me away so I know that side of it.

    Now I am with a man who is separated and not divorced yet and I know he won't go back to his wife but he lived a long time with her not having a real husband-wife relationship and just did whatever he wanted, go on vacations with big groups of friends from college without her, plays tennis all the time, and is in a band… etc. Anything to keep his life happy since he wasn't happy in his marriage. Well now he is separated and seeing me and I am jealous of his outgoing nature, he will talk to almost anyone anywhere, which is kinda cute but gets on my nerves when I would like his attention. He knows this and does his best to pay his attention to me when we are together. And he and I are really happy when we are together but we are also apart a lot, he is retired and has a vacation home he spends 2 mos at in the summer several states away. He doesnt like to be lonely so he invites all kinds of friends and family to visit and loves it. I don't want him to ever give up what he loves, I just feel this UGH feeling everytime he has plans with other people or has to go fix something at his old house (soon to be EX lives there)… I don't like that he has younger female friends, truly a lot younger as in inappropriate creepy if he was attracted to them friends, but one is in his band and he talks to her a lot about the band stuff and thats to be expected but UGH, and she puts a picture of her and him on Facebook – totally innocent but she puts a little heart next to his name and doesnt have a pic like that of any of the other guys in the band like that. I know he is a great guy, easy to talk to, is pretty cool, and young at heart, so i understand that people love him and love being around him, because that is how I feel about him, but its hard to go from being in a marriage where I never had to worry about any of this stuff EVER and actually feeling so secure in that department to having not a bad guy who is a cheater type but a guy who doesnt need me all the time because he has other people and things that he loves also besides me. And people loving him and making him feel good, feels like he doesn't even need me to do that for him. He lived like that for a long time and we talk about this all the time, he is used to taking care of his own needs and not relying on anyone else to provide the love and care. But I am here now in his life and I want to do that for him and I don't want to have to compete with all the other things in his life or FEEL that I am competing with them. I feel I offer something a lot more special and wonderful and he says he feels that too but I don't feel from him that its MORE special than some of the other things in his life. I actually miss having a guy a little bit jealous of me and I having to not even think about it because I wasn't jealous. Not sure if this relationship even though we have said we are soulmates is going to work out in the long run, I just think I need a little more. My big question is…and this is all just in my head and not answerable probably… why did my husband have to be such a bad husband and he was the one that I wasnt jealous of and then I meet a guy I really feel a connection to after my bad marriage and he is completely different and makes me jealous. I miss the old days of not being jealous!! But that was a relationship that was really bad for me, even without jealousy, it was bad. Now I have a good relationship and feel jealous. IT SUCKS!

  • Nathan

    So grateful to read this. Promise to work on me….

  • Kathy

    I was researching articles because I am in a relationship where my husband is the one who is jealous. Being on the other end of the problem has it's own problems. I love the man my husband is with all my heart and when we are together life is wonderful. But, he has a personality that is very jealous. Right before I leave for work, he starts in. I know he is afraid of losing me and my love but I feel as if I have to defend myself for being alive when I am not in his sight. Imagine being arrested for a crime you did not commit, being held in a cell with no contact with the out side world ever and being beaten because you dared to breath without that person being there. Every day. My husband does not physically abuse me but the mental and emotional abuse is every bit as damaging. Nothing I do is ever right; if I wear perfume, I'm cheating, if I don't wear perfume, I'm cheating. He smells me (yes he does) when I come home to see if he can smell another man on me and he always pulls down the waist band of my pants to see if I still have on the same panties I put on in the morning. This started not quite a year after we were married. I found out that he had been having several relationships on line with other women and was going to divorce him because of it. He agreed to get counseling and to stop contacting other women. I decided to trust him and forgive him; that is when all this jealousy on his part started. I hate the person that it's turned me in to. I get apprehensive whenever he calls knowing that no matter what I say, he thinks I'm hiding something/lying to him. I really feel victimized and helpless. The article is spot on though, I am finding him less and less attractive and am beginning to pull away. Being hurt every day in this way is dehumanizing and just plain humiliating.

  • bs

    Jealousy is a spirit which enters a person sent by God, our Maker. No article however academically written, Nothing can remove or eradicate this spirit of jealous, except by Prayer to God. Read what Saul did to the young David after he killed Goliath.

  • Thanks for your kind words, and we are glad you found this article helpful to your own jealousy issues.

  • Phoebe Starr

    Thank you so much. Of all the article's Ive searched over the internet, this is the only one that convinced me and automatically gave me freedom from jealousy. THANK YOU A LOT! 🙂

  • Thanks for sharing your jealousy issues. I believe that the article contains all the advice that applies to your situation. The key thing to remember is that like with any other problem, getting over your jealous is not an something that can be achieved overnight. You should start taking small steps to deal with it, including talking about it with your partner – not by arguing or fighting but sharing how you feel and helping him reassure you that you don't have anything to worry about. You also should remember that some things, such as being replaced, are simply out of your hands, and worrying about it is pointless and a waste of energy.

  • Anonymous

    Hi,

    Thank you for the article, I found it very helpful in parts.

    I still need some advice though as my situation isn't to do with a romantic relationship.

    My best friend is a gay male, I'm a straight female. We met at work when we both started over a year ago, we work in a very large team of people but have been best friends for about a year now. We are known as a bit of a double act (which I really like) and we spend pretty much all our time, work and outside work together. We are pretty much inseparable.

    I get so jealous when he is acting close or really friendly around other people – mostly other females! If hes laughing and joking with a few particular people I get horrible pangs of jealousy and I get so angry! I hate seeing him text them or comment on their Facebook posts or photos. I dread big nights out or social occasions as I feel like he pays more attention to these people when we are out rather than me!

    I feel constantly like I'm going to be replaced by a few of these people. He's obsessed with his phone and is always texting people – we spend pretty much all of our time together but he'll still text these people.

    I do so much for him it's unbelievable. And sometimes I don't feel like I get the same respect or treatment on return from him. A close mutual friend has pointed out to me that he sometimes treats me like a bit of a mug – yet I still care so much and would do pretty much anything for him! Because we do have such a good time together, but in the back of my mind – I'm always worrying about losing him to someone else!

    The thing is I'm totally aware in my right mind that I'm being jealous. And when I sit and calmly think about things I'm okay – until the next time when I get SO unbelievably jealous.

    I've mentioned the fear of being replaced and stuff to him, but he just said it was ridiculous and it would never happen – but I still sometimes feel like I'm actually watching it happen! Sometimes I find myself making sarcastic comments which get me nowhere!

    The thing is, my best friend has a lot of issues. I'm always there and supportive for him – these other people don't really know the half of it, yet I feel like they get the carefree fun side of my friend and I get that occasionally but mostly have to be there for his crap stuff, which obviously I don't mind because I care about him – but I can't help but feel unappreciated. He doesn't feel like he has to try with me anymore, just assumes ill always be there – which annoyingly I probably will be!

    I'm so worried that I'm not going to be able to get over these horrible feelings and its going to end up pushing him away. Which I don't want to deal with!

    Please help me: I'm a complete state!

    X

  • Mae

    I am also in an online relationship Agn, it's been 10 months and we're both extremely happy but he is extremely jealous and possessive, he doesn't want me going out with my friends and I've changed a lot in my life as to not upset him….I do debate with myself if I'm in the wrong because everyone says he should not expect me to change so much in my life for him especially becoming so unsocial, but then I think I may not being doing such a bad thing because I just want to make him happy and keep him from being upset.

    I'm so confused, I'm not sure if I'm in the right or wrong or need a balance. But we are talking about it often and we are trying to overcome it and compromise, I wish you the best of luck with your relationship, talking about it is always the best I think, otherwise things will just get pent up, that's why I'm so worried, I don't want to leave this unresolved and then feel suffocated and want to be away from him, I don't want that to happen at all.

  • Anonymous

    Why did you make so many children with such a man…? Shoo him, let him go. Enough of him hurting you. From what you wrote, it seems like you don't love him much anymore or maybe you abandoned that feeling cause you are protecting yourself from being extremely hurt. Hopefully you have your family behind your back and your children supporting you. Such a man will never get back to "normal' and this will keep re-occurring on and on. I don't know how your culture is but I can imagine, I hope it's not that type where they don't let the divorced women do anything. These kind of men are born with a dirty mind, they NEVER change. (Unless their wee-wee stops functioning maybe)

    and don't be upset, it's not the end of the world. You are surely better off without him!

  • Agn

    I am involved in an online relationship,and my guy is being extremely jealous I want to know if this is natural because I am so far away, I have spoken to him about it and he told me that it's because he's far and doesn't know how it is here and that he won't be like this in real life but I don't think so, I need advice on what to do, I don't want to be involved in a jealousy manipulative relationship and I am afraid I might be wrong :/

    Any suggestions?

  • Anonymous

    I just read this post and I know it is old but I can relate to it. I've been trying to overcome jealousy for about 5years now. This all happened when I found out that my husband was attracted to my little sister. I didn't know it until I found a video of our family outtings and half the film was of him taping her. I asked him what it was about and did he like my sister. He told me "no". Come to find out later that he did have a fondness for her. I found that out because I kept pressing him about it and I just knew in my inner being from previous activities that he did with my sister. The funny thing is that back then those things didn't bother me. I didn't even care what he did with my any of my sisters. But it's been 5 years and I am still battling this stupid and negative feeling. Currently my sister and I are not speaking, something she decided to do not me. But she said that I treated her badly. My jealousy right? I am in a culture where my husband can have more than one wife and before I married him I told him that I am not a polygamist(is that how you spell it) and he said he wasn't either. But when he found that it was okay in our culture, he's been trying to be with different women. But then I threaten to leave him and he doesn't go through with the relationships. recently he told me he had some girl on his mind and I told him to do it so I can finally leave him. I'm pregnant with our 6th child. I need to sanity and peace again. Looking for your advice. Thank you

  • dan

    Wow you just diagnosed me. That's my behavior exactly. Have you been able to overcome this behavior? If so I'd like some advice.

  • Anonymous

    Big help! Thank you.

  • desperate for happin

    Just like everyone else, I too have a jealous boyfriend. Just last night I looked at him as if I Don't Know This Guy. My boyfriend and I live together and we were born and raised in the south so I'm very southern if I must say. I cater to him but sometimes he takes me for granted. I want to be catered to sometimes. He is so lazy. And he wasn't like that in the beginning. He has gained 30lbs and we've bee together for a year now and his insecurity is driving me insane. I would like counseling but he doesn't like us to share our relationship with anyone. I'm just afraid that we may end before he realize how he is affecting me emotionally. He always says I'm exaggerating.

  • Orion

    I can't tell you how much I love this article , every situation you mentioned was true in me, over react and drove my husband crazy, he even kicked me out of the house once, he can't control his emotion whenever I got jealous , he think I don't trust him and suspect him with all the ex. I knew it was my problem because I am too obsessive and over jealous. I tried to control my mind but every time I failed. I tried to find ways to help me and I am very happy I found this article , I am going to print out and keep reading it until I remember every single useful word that you've mentioned. Thank you very much. I almost 100 % sure it will help me now and eventually I will be a happy, healthy wife.

  • Lisa

    @practicalh This coffee thing was only 2 weeks ago, and he brought it up, so although it was said a while back, he " apologized" and said it wasn't true just the other day at coffee— I know it shouldn't be my concern, but what a strange lie! And I don't understand jealousy so much, so is like to know his motives, from a guy's view, preferably the web owner, but gals you had input too;)

  • @ Lisa. Thanks for your kind words. I honestly don't think you should spend too much time analyzing why he said that his gf was jealous so long ago as it has very little, if any importance to your current life. One possibility is that he didn't want to talk to you at that time, and need a legitimate excuse, so that's one thing that came into his mind that made sense.

  • Lisa

    I googled " lying about jealousy" and I just found your fantastic site! I read many many comments here, to see if one of them matched my situation, and they didn't, so I will write it here… This is very baffling to me, and it's too long of a story, but I will just give the facts…

    I'm not a very jealous person, but have at times been jealous w an ex… So, he and I tried to remain friends fairly recently, after years of not being together.. ( after our break up). Then I realized the loving feelings were coming back, so even the trial at friendship was not a good idea and I ended it. We were both mature and disappointed, bc we got along well, I'd say. So, he met another girl a few months after the " end of our friendship". I knew this from our rare texts to keep in touch a bit… He then tells me" my new girlfriend is jealous and doesn't like us texting/ talking" so I immaturely said" ok, since you're dating a nazi girlfriend, I'll respect her wishes", yes, sarcasm I know. Then after a Year of them being together and me respecting the no contact thing for at least 6 months, we meet for coffee, only bc I moved away 9 months ago and it was only a quick hello while I'm in town.. So, when we sat having coffee he tells me, " oh, I was only kidding being a jerk when I said my girlfriend was jealous- she even told me to tell you that she's not jealous and that I made up that story"…. SOoo, my question is"Why would a guy say (she) someone is jealous when they're not? Just to annoy me? Or mock me? Or see if he could get me jealous? This was so bizarre, but I calmly said " that's weird, why?" And he just said " I don't know, I'm a jerk" … Maybe it was to keep me away from texting, even?? I'd love to hear any thoughts you have on this strange type of reverse psychology or game he played, thanks!!

  • ilovehim

    Hi.. I really love my boyfriend. He is an wonderful and loyal man. He have few advantage that i don't have. Sometimes even i felt as he deserve better girl then me. He is little shy person. From his stand, he would say i am an wonderful women, very out going and friendly to everyone. One thing is, he getting jealous when i talk and laugh with my male friends. He knows that he being jealous and he knows its something not right. He do trust me, but still he suffering of jealousy. why so? how do you think i can help him?

  • Anonymous

    I had never heard of the term provoked jealousy but it makes sense since I always told him that I would not be acting this way nor would I have done what I did had he not showed me that I was secondary to other women who fulfill his fantasies.

  • curiousmind

    my preference is a nonchauvinistic old world man treating me with respect….allowing me to be myself …accepting me and not provoking me to jealousy or any other unattractive trait. i do not believe in the philosophy that individuals are allknowing to the point which they always know how to react or respond to a person or scenario. polarized individualism can produce lack of connective ability with another and a selfrighteous allknowing attitude. so avoiding the act of possession to embrace individualism i think is not the answer to new world relationship issues. i think it is simple…….basic human respect and communication. a man disrespectfully provokes jealousy……..the woman responds disrespectfully with jealousy. we are human and not robots. showing honest genuine emotion should be allowed.communication and committment and responsibility should resolve the issue.

  • curiousmind

    my opinion of the artical is that it is addressing relationship issues that can surface in the new world which focuses moreso on individualism rather than old world connective relationships. with polarized acts of selfcenteredness and disrespect manifesting in old world chauvinism and new world irresponsibility i think the only realistic easy solution is to do away with vows and committment until people are human and civilized enough to think of a better way to conduct as a committed couple and family in the new world culture. just saying…….

  • curiousmind

    no. you have provoked jealousy.

  • Diane

    My story started when I was 19 (I’m 36 now). In the beginning of my relationship (he is 3 years older) i told him i did not like him going to strip clubs. He promised me he would not but did. I ended up getting pregnant with our daughter at 20 and he was very selfish the entire time. Continued to go to strip clubs tipping and touching, going out hanging out all night, not calling me until 4 or 5 in the morning to tell me he wasn’t coming home. He told me the reason he went to one strip club was that he wanted to see what the girls looked like, if they were pretty, if they had good bodies, he even came home wanting to have sex with me after being there but would tell me they do nothing for him. He lied to me about it over and over and could never come clean, even 17 years later I am only finally getting what he was thinking and why he went. I am an attractive woman, smart, ambitious, with a great body and great job. He tells me it was nothing personal and that I am upset because I am vain. Also, we are an interracial couple, he’s ‘Black’ and I’m ‘White’ and the places he went were in the ghetto with a majority Black and Hispanic, they didn’t look like me. He made me feel ugly, worthless, that he didn’t care about me and he chose other women and his friends over me. The first lie was just 2 months after I had our daughter so you can imagine how messed up I felt, I hadn’t lost my baby fat and we weren’t having sex. So I always knew I’d get my revenge and I did everything he did but better and meaner. I took it to the extreme that I cheated on him and I was happy I did. I was happy he felt like crap (and sometimes I still am). He promised to always tell me that he would tell me if someone invited him to a strip club but again lies because he didn’t his cousin told me that one day when they were working together her boyfriend invited him for a drink and took him to a strip club but ‘it was closed, he didn’t go in, so it wasn’t important to tell me’. Nothing is ever important to tell me, he sugar oats everything, if does something it’s innocent but if I do the same I’m doing something. He’s been unemployed for 5 years, I have a very very good job and he does nothing I ask but if a friend calls for help he jumps. I stopped going out 10 years ago, this past summer I found a females number in his wallet but he ‘doesn’t know who it is, maybe a co-worker but (a) he doesn’t have a job and (b) never had a co-worker with that name. Then. Had some chick call my phone that he met at the mall but again forgot to tell me but its business and now a few weeks ago I find porn on his phone and he lies, we are not having sex becaus I have no sex drive due to a neck injury and pain meds. I have no problem with him using online porn right now but when I ask and find stuff on your phone don’t lie. Maybe we could have watched together and maybe he could have tried something new with me to help me but it’s always his needs. Then, right after the porn lies I find a picture of a female escort who is in the next town over and he lies and lies and lies because he doesn’t want to deal with me being hurt and getting angry. He thinks that I get angry because they are ther women or porn and he finally tells me the ‘truth’ he can never realize it’s the lies. I told him this time that he lied about something so simple as online porn he def wont tell me about him possibly going to or contemplating going to an escort. He said he accidentally clicked on an ad but how he was telling me it happened didn’t make sense. Today we once again went online so he could show me what happened and I got to the bottom of it. It was an ad…things got so volatile over his lies. We were doing so good. I question him ALL the time about if he went to a strip club, thought about going or wonders what they look like and he gets so angry. He can’t understand that his behavior led me to cheat. Am I jealous? He claims he was just ‘being a man’ which is a poor excuse but I will not have my husband give some woman that is naked or half naked and providing a fantasy for him and he’s giving her our money and then taking it further, you don’t have t touch just because you tip, that’s cheating to me but he says no. Am I really that messed up in the head that I’m being insecure and overly jealous? HELP ME please…this is 17 years of me always wondering!!

  • Anonymous

    My girlfriend spends alot of time with my best friend. They were friends before we were dating, but he thinks that he is in love with her. She has no feelings for him though. Is it bad for me to control how much they spend time together?

  • That’s interesting. Why do you think you are jealous? Is it because you suspect that too many guys are staring at her and looking at her? Or does she wear something to the gym that you think is too revealing or provocative? Clearly, it wouldn’t be fair on any level for you to ask her not to go the gym.
    Perhaps going there with her once or twice will help figure this out…

  • Anonymous

    My wife goes to the gym at work with men she works with everyday it is tearing our marriage apart. I want to find how not to be jealous I’m resenting her more and more each day. How can I fix it and deal with it

  • lou

    i have been trying to overcome this awfull state of being jealous to the one i love and care about hopefully these practices can be usefull in my life hopefully its not to late to fix what i have broken

    thank you

  • Yvonne

    Thanks for your reply, I have asked him before if she is hitting on him and then he gets very upset with me telling me I F**cked up and jealous over nothing.
    I really want to trust him, but my mind keeps running in all directions….Maybe I should just go with the flow and get a hobby and realise he is not my world but the world is mine too enjoy ,instead of sitting here wondering every min of the day who he is chatting too etc.

  • Yvonne

    Well coming out of a previous BAD Marriage where my ex-husband slept with anything that walked deep in my heart I still have issues and insecurities. I am now re-married and my husband I have now is very straight forward and told me my jealousy is making angry. My husband has a best friend and him and his wife loves my husband to bits and they get along very well. The thing is I feel like she has a hidden agenda, she will whatts app him and ignore me for days, or she will pour her heart out to my husband and I don’t like that. I keep checking his call history and messages from her but he deleted it before I can read it, is it because he knows ill have a fit and just don’t want argument or should I give him the benefit of the doubt. I know deep in my heart he has morals and don’t think he will screw up his friendship, and I know he is straight enough to tell me it’s over. After reading your article I do realise that nothing in life is guaranteed and that if he wants to cheat he will and how will I stop him, so maybe instead of thinking about all this crazy stuff in my head I should just chill and enjoy what I have, instead of getting eaten up by the jealousy bug. And like you said “Your duty is being the best you can be in a relationship that you want to have. The rest is not up to you. The rest depends on your partner and you have no control over it. And, whatever you have no control over, should not concern you or be a cause of your anxieties”

  • @ Yvonne. Thanks for sharing your story, and your realization is critical to overcoming your jealousy issues. If, however, you notice clear signs that your husband best friend's wife is hitting on your husband, then it would be appropriate for you to address this – with her first probably, and then with him. You don't have to start a huge fight, but if and when appropriate, you can ask that other woman what is going on between her and your husband and what it is that she wants.

  • help me b4 its 2 late

    i recently embarrassed my wife at a restaurant by pulling her away from a guy that started to dance with her while she was dancing with her friends, i guess i expected her to move away but i didn’t even give her the opportunity to. my jealousy dates back to when I was a teen and now i’m 40. At times I don’t show it but when I do, I do it wrong and I hate myself for it because I know that it pushes her away. She used to be just the same but she overcame it through consoling, so she says ,but there are times that she shows no trust in me either. now she has told me that she wants a separation due to my actions.I don’t know if this is a heat of the moment feeling or if she is really at her breaking point? I want to be with her for the rest of my life and i know that i have to relax, but at times my jealousy gets the best of me. and when we argued over this last incident, everything that I do or don’t do right comes out. so i’m dealing with more than one reason. but my main question here is, how can I control myself at that monment?

  • marie

    Love is patient love is kind & so on & so forth. I have always struggled. I recently came to grips with two thoughts #1 love does not envy…if i love my spouse i should not be jealous right? #2 all i am doing is making his life sad. he makes so many sacrifices for me so i dont have to feel uncomfortable or so i dont start a fight. hes losing out on life because of me. Im pretty sure he never enjoys himself. his love for me is sickening like to the ends of the earth & back a billion times. I have made a promise to myself. I will never suggest he change the channel, leave the store or stare at the wall for hours because of barbie babe sitting center stage lol. we recently went on a trip & flew. the plane had tv on it & it was million dollar listing or something…he sat with his eyes closed the entire time because the wife of this millionare was a barbie model. he already knew the drill. what 1/2 hour? i couldnt believe it. i felt so sad for him. i couldn’t really discuss it with him because we weren’t alone but thats when i realized. somethings gotta change. i love him so much!!! Im sorry babe for making your life miserable…he says i dont but i know i do. who else would put up w/ my @#$%#

  • Anonymous

    @Allison, props to you, you read my mind, this is what I tell my bf all the times, hope hell believe it by hearin it from someone else, I always believe not getting all jealous means I am confident and know how much I worth! 🙂

  • practicalhappiness.c

    @ MissyD
    There is only so much you can do about how the other person feels about you, and you have far more control over the kind of person you are. Given the fact that he lost so much weight, being in shape must be quite important to him, so it might be worth it for you to put more effort into losing weight. It won't happen overnight, but losing weight will improve your life in more ways than one anyway, regardless of how this particular relationship turns out, so you have all the reason to try to do that.

  • MissyD

    I am dating this guy and weve been on and off for almost three years currently we are on what he calls "break" because we dont get to see eachother between football and seperate schools i usually get jealous pretty easily lately because he lost 72 pounds recently and im still a chubster, ive been trying to lose weight but i feel he might be losing interest and that he might think that he deserves better altho i am a great girlfriend i am insecure tho because of my weight. we have a date today after the homecomming football game and we were gonna ditch the dance but now he says he wants to check the dance out because its his senior year but he doesnt want me to go with him he says that its because he knows i dont have the money to afford a ticket and he gets in for free but he said he MIGHT not stay the whole time but he wants me to wait for him outside the dance and then we are going to get dinner together i get jealous cause i heard about girls liking him because of his weight loss but i dont like being jealous i dont like crying and i dont wanna lose him. what do I do?

  • Sam

    I’ve always had a jelousy problem…. But when I look at it this way it makes so much more sense. I cant control it and I really should just enjoy the good that we have.

  • thomas

    Inspirational as always, thank you so much, i hope its not too late to change.

  • Tink

    Wow…I didn't even get past the first paragraph of your blog. Are you absolutely kidding me? You think it's normal to have a girlfriend, and to go out dancing with another girl, and for the other girl to assume you aren't interested in her? LOL!!!! This is absurdly ridiculous to levels I can't even express. TAKING A GIRL YOU AREN'T RELATED TO TO GO DANCING WITH YOU AT A CLUB IS CALLED A DATE, AND PEOPLE IN COMMITTED RELATIONSHIPS DON'T DATE OTHER PEOPLE. NO ONE, unless they are homosexual, cheating, or related, goes to a club with someone of the opposite sex who is not their significant other when they HAVE a significant other. LOL!!!!!! It's not a "jealousy/trust" issue, it's a COMMON SENSE and respect to the relationship issue. You're completely insane. As are all the people who agreed with you. The fact that her response blew YOU away, blows ME away, and all 20 people in my office who I just asked to make sure I wasn't crazy. We all want to know what planet you were raised on. Wow. I feel sorry for your girlfriend…you have absolutely no comprehension for what's normal committed-relationship behavior.

  • Sharan

    Really nice. But i couldn’t trust myself. I’m so possessive on someone. That have hurt me always. My bf is chatting with my friend. That i couldn’t accept and feeling so bad about it. In fact i have told him about my possessiveness. But he didn’t care about it. I am in luv with him. But he has not. Because he is my professor. I don’t know whether my love is good or not. But my love is true. I truly love him. He is also human being only. Right! He is not understanding me. I’m totally getting addicted to him. say any idea

  • Anonymous

    Hi I am in love with a guy who lives in another country. We met in the country I live and we had the most wonderful time. Something I think was extraordinary. He came back just to see me for 3 days and the time was once again more then just wonderful. This time I am going to see him in his country, and he is very eager to see me. I know that. But my problem is he lives with 3 flat mates out of which one is an Italian girl. He goes out with her late nights and to the beach during the day. For some reason I feel very very scared to lose him or something happening between them. The other problem is nothing is defined between us, in our relationship. Although I have never spoken to him about how I feel, I just dont want to feel this insecurity. I know I will ruin something beautiful by doing so, but same time I accept how I feel but can't deal with it. Please advice. Thanks.

  • Anonymous

    I thank you for posting this article.I then realize things a lot.It helps me to be more mature and to move forward about our closeness with my loving boyfriend.Thank you.

  • practicalhappiness.com

    Certainly, the media doesn’t help and can cause serious phobias, but recognizing the fact that you are jealous along with keeping in mind the obvioius fact that not everything you see on TV is true or happens to everyone are the first steps toward dealing with the jealousy issue.

  • Ale

    I am a jealous man and I have a problem… I just can’t get it out of my head. It’s hard. You always see shows and movies about cheating and it just consumes the mind.

  • Heart-broken

    Thank you for this article. I'm writing this as I've been on the receiving end of jealous boyfriends. All, barring one, had been very jealous of male AND female friends. I fell in love with a beautiful man 9 months ago. His qualities are everything I've ever wanted in a man but never knew until I met him. The biggest snag is his jealous paranoia. Every time I speak of another man, whether they be friends or even just someone on TV, we end up arguing about it.

    It has left me on tender hooks with him to the point where I guess I've acted suspicious when deleting texts from friends and managing my call list (because he regularly looks in my phone).

    It all started when (even before i met my current partner) my next door neighbour, who is also a friend (yes,male), had a friend over from the US and was travelling the world. We were introduced and went out to a club. My neighbour's friend told me that he found me very attractive and was going to come back to London to come and see me again on his way back home from his travels. Nothing happened between us as I wasn't looking for a one-night stand. Or even a long-distance relationship. But all I thought was, there was no harm in acquiring another friend as he was a genuinely nice person.

    So, a couple of months after I was seeing my current partner, this guy from the US turns up at 12.30am, looking for my neighbour because he lost his phone! I realise it must've looked bad but, I was not responsible for what someone else does. All my partner saw from that incident was 'booty call'.

    I have a 3 year old son, and am not irresponsible enough to let just anyone in my life. I really thought he understood all this, but obviously not.

    My partner asked me to change my phone number. I changed it. I was just about to finish my course on aromatherapy and therapeutic massage – he didn't want me to do that, so I didn't do the exam (after spending £3,000 on the course). What a waste – I know!

    Facebook was also a problem, even though I've NEVER done anything untoward on it, mainly because that's just not the kind of person that I am, but also because I have my family all over the world.

    I moved here from the far east when I was young and my mother passed away 11 years ago. So I have no family to rely on. I only have my friends here. I pick my friends carefully because to me, they're my FAMILY here. But even then, I get crucified for keeping in contact with my real family. He actually calls it 'F*ckBook' when referring to it in an argument!

    My partner and I spoke of getting married. He's Muslim and I'm not but I was willing to convert to Islam. He wants me to wear a hijab because he doesn't want anyone else to look at me. That's fair enough. I agreed to a compromise and to wear one around his parents (who are very strict Muslims), to show respect for them. I was willing to take him on, and his three children, and his parents – because he's an only son, it's his duty to care for his parents. That was all fine with me. But the jealousy and paranoia. The constant accusations and my constant defencse and justifications have worn me thin. I love him deeply and unconditionally, yet all the time, all I am to him is a lying, cheating, whore! This morning he walked away because my neighbour asked me if any letters came for him. The postman delivers his post in my door. I deleted the text because I didn't want another argument. He saw the text before I deleted it and walked out the door saying goodbye.

    What do I do with this man? I love him and his children. They're all very lovely people. That is the only downfall. He walked out, not just on me but my son too, who's grown very attached to him. What do I do?! I'm heart-broken but feel like I should just let him go.

  • practicalhappiness.c

    @Stephanie
    This is a rather common situation. If men, and your guy specifically, knew how unattractive this kind of insecurity and jealousy makes them in the eyes of any woman, they surely would stop. Sometimes it helps watching a movie where the main character acts that way, and where it leads to a destructive result. I can't think of any movie like that off hand, but perhaps you do, and you could have your child's father watch it, without telling him what it is for or about, so that he can make his own observations and conclusions. Often, seeing your own bad behavior in others makes you realize how bad it is in yourself.

  • Stephanie

    I sent this to my babies father we have been on and off for 6 years. Almost every single time I have left him it was because of his jealousy. He questions me constantly and assumes I am always breaking up with him for another man. After many times of me catching him lying to me about where he was or what he was doing or that he was out at a bar I began to be suspisous of him as well. I have also dealt with a controlling jealous boyfriend before and the whole time he was suspecting me of cheating because he was sleeping with my bestfriend the whole time. So when he is jealous it makes me think of the ex who was cheating on me the whole time. I love him so much but his suspisous attitude gets old quick. The long things I have ever done to make him feel jealous was dance with another guy and make out with another one when we were broken up all which happened after being together after 4 years and catching him in numerous lies and after finding 3 new girls numbers in his phone from the out of town city he was working in. And I told him the night it happened. But he still to this day 2 years later thinks it was with someone he knows and that I did more with him than I am telling him. I have never once slept with another man since we became a couple almost 6 years ago this October.

  • Andrew

    For me it is kind of different… My jealousy stems back from an ex of mine that I couldn't get over until reading this article. I was Dating this girl recently and I really liked her…. But I couldn't get over the fact that she would talk to this guy from Belgium. When we first started dating he came to the states and visited for a month in her house. She really couldn't see me because of him.. which i got over. Anyway… I was fine when he was here.. but ever since he left I been super Jealous. It's to the point where it might of destroyed our relationship. I really want to get over being Jealous… For My self and for what is left of our relationship.. Can anyone tell me why I am feeling Jealousy over a man 3000 miles away?

  • Indira

    Thank you for your help. It’s nice to have this issue personally addressed, and so I appreciate that.

    I find myself wondering at true love. At the love painted for girls, that perfect love, all encompassing. How cruel it is for society to dangle it above womens heads when in reality, it’s not a possibility. Is this what you’re saying to me? That no man knows full commitment of the mind, body and spirit? That all men are destined to always be looking else where? for more? That no man, no matter the quality of the woman he loves, will seek out the quality in others?

    Does this mean that if I wish to seek out love, true, pure love, that I should look within another woman?

    Forgive me all my questions, it’s just that Love confuses me so, fills me with questions that linger unanswered and fear that doubles itself in doubts. What happened to fairy tale eyes? What happened to the naivety that carried me when I was younger? I remember the feeling well. There is no room for fear when one’s so full of hope.

    Now I’m jaded, and cynical, asking too many what ifs instead of basking in what is. Alas, I suppose 22 is a good age to put fairy tales behind me.

    I see now, my focus shouldn’t be on trying to keep one individuals attention, but instead working on myself. The more I feed my personal passion, the more I grow as an individual, the more attractive and well rounded I will appear to others. If men are always looking, then I suppose I’ll give them something to look at. And in the meantime, I won’t hold my love to so called impossible standards. Screw monogamy. If it doesn’t exist in the mind, as far as I’m concerned, it doesn’t exist at all. I will propose an open relationship, so I don’t have to worry or try to control.

    Thanks again.
    Indira

  • practicalhappiness.com

    @Indira
    Sure he has an ego and he loves for it to be stroked. Who doesn’t? Let’s face it – we all like attention. The only difference is the kind of attention we prefer.
    Giving up on your male friendships was unnecessary and is part of the reason you resent this situation.
    I address this issue in the video here:

    Sure, some male friends are nothing but admirers who wish to get closer to you sexually and being “friends” with them is nothing more than dealing with the pressure of their advances. These are not real friends. But if you had real male friends, there was no reason to give up on them. If you chose to do so, you can’t blame your guy for that or expect him to match your sacrifices just because you made the first move in that direction.

  • practicalhappiness.com

    @Indira

    Thanks for sharing your experience. I am not sure how you can develop fully trust and/or completely abandon jealousy. Perhaps it’s normal to be a little suspicious or jealous. Many if not most men are prone to wanting attention from other women, to having sex with other women, etc. Some control it better than others, while others don’t care much about being faithful to their dating / relationship and follow their urges, wherever and to whomever they lead them. There is no way to ensure 100% that the time you are investing in a guy will be worth it, whether you found any reasons to distrust him or not (some guys are better at hiding their secrets). Trusting him completely and abandoning all your suspicions will take time, and there is no guarantee that it will happen either. Is it possible that you would have a little suspicion and distrust no matter who you are with?

    Perhaps one important step you can and should make is to accept that part about men’s (flawed) nature. This doesn’t mean that you have to accept infidelity or tolerate cheating or lying. You simply have to accept the men’s drive toward variety and novelty – that’s just what they want. Whether a man will admit it or not, on a purely sexual level, every guy would ideally want to have a James Bond lifestyle – to have affairs with multiple smart, sexy, attractive women. A woman who says in any context: “Well, what do you expect – men are dogs” is far more advanced in understanding men than someone who tries to either deny it or change it.

    As to porn – there might just be a substantial memory on any guy’s computer allocated to that. There is no reason to be jealous of those women. The guys who look at them never met them and will never do. I am not sure if they want to. It’s purely a sexual stimulation. Don’t try to get into guys’ mind and understand why they like something that might be disgusting to you. You are not a guy so you won’t and you shouldn’t be able to relate. This shouldn’t be a reason to be jealous, and this should not prevent you from getting naked in front of him. After all, your guy, like any other healthy, young male is also a “dog” in a way.

  • Indira

    I felt this was too important of an insight to be left out. My man has an ego, and he loves for it to be stroked. The casual "meaningless conversation" with the younger girl he admitted, he liked the attention. How is that supposed to comfort me, knowing that even if he's not on the prowl for attention, if a beautiful gives it to him, I have no doubts, he's going to take it.

    I think one of the things that contributes to the toxin of these situations, is that I gave up my male friendships and my personal porn habits for his comfort WITHOUT his asking. For love.

    And to feel like what I'm putting in, isn't being matched is causing inner turmoil for me.

    Please if you don't mind help. I think we've read enough to reason that in this state, one cannot think clearly.

  • Indira

    Thank you for your insight, in the article and to your viewers. Jealousy seems to be an inexhaustible topic in this day and age. You mentioned that it may be impossible to trust after repeated violations of trust, and I'd like to go further in depth with that if you don't mind. I'm sure I'm not the only one wondering, how many "white lies" are too many?

    My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. In the beginning, he was the most jealous person I had ever been. I found myself wondering, if he can't trust me, does this mean he doesn't trust himself? I've been cheated on before and have by experience, found cheaters to be suspicious. He told me things like guys can't be friends with girls (because the majority of my friends are male) and so on and so forth. So, with these thoughts, I started getting suspicious as he has friends that are girls. I thought there was more then friendship because his stance on the subject. When confronted, he said he only said those things out of jealousy, and girls and guys can be friends. Anyways long story short, he seems to bend rules to suit himself. I found a conversation between him and a younger girl. When I confronted him about flirting (and inviting her to our house, leaving out the fact I existed and the house was ours) He said " I don't know why I like flirting with her so much" and then over time back tracked his words and said it was a meaningless conversation. I love him so I dropped it. Next came porn. I found some on our computer, and I couldn't even be naked in front of him anymore for the insecurity it invoked. When being intimate, I couldn't enjoy myself because all I was thinking is that, I don't measure up to the perfection that is porn. I told him how I felt and he got upset and looked me in the eye and said he would never do it again. The next week he did. Basically, I need to know, because I can't seem to determine for myself. When to deem the person unworthy of the amount of time it takes to develop trust. It's a fear of mine, and many others I'm sure, to spend that time and emotional effort for someone who is only going to break it all down.

  • Anonymous

    Thanks so much for the article and so many thought provoking posts. The better part of an hour I just spent reading this has opened my eyes to how much jealousy is controlling me, and how much negative effect it has on my relationship and my own self-confidence. I have been in a really solid relationship for over a year, and we can be soooo happy together – but when my jealousy takes hold and I begin to suspect things without any concrete evidence, I find just how self-destructive I am becoming.

    I have never openly admitted that many of the reasons for our arguments have directly stemmed from my jealousy, but I can honestly say it now. I need to move past this if I want to enjoy all the great things this relationship has to offer. I am in a big rut, and want so badly to find my way out without any further self destruction.

    Thanks once more

  • gigi

    I think my jealousy has gone too far. I am the jealous one in my relationship with my bf. I get jealous if I see him talking to another girl. I even get jealous if we are watching a movie and there is a naked woman or half-naked woman. I know it is wrong and I try to work on it and sometimes do good, but it is really hard. He gets real mad at me too and will yell at me and tell me he isn’t going to argue with me and then won’t talk to me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t have the money or time for counseling as I work and have three kids. I will just continue to work on my jealousy on my own, but it would help if anyone has any suggestions. I mean, I have a good bf. He is great with my kids, cooks meals (he loves to cook). He buys me presents on special occasions, always tells me he loves me. I don’t know why I act the way I do. I just hope I don’t drive him away.

  • Yes I am Happy

    I agree with most that why in your right mind would you ask a girl to go out dancing with you "as friends?" That is just the lamest excuse in the book. You might as well admit that you are attracted to her and you're just blinding yourself by saying that her boyfriend is the jealous type.

    Anyway, I am aware I have the tendency to get jealous. It's not because you think my man would cheat on me — it's because as a girl, I KNOW there are girls out there who just wants to fish in my own pond! Guys in a relationship – whether with a girlfriend or married – ALWAYS look attractive to girls. I can never explain why but they are. Maybe because they have the quality of being capable to commit in a relationship which many many girls are looking for. And girls can just be all over your man for that. What is worrying is – will my man be strong enough to resist those temptations while he's out alone? I know I want him and me to have our own self time away from each other but it always helps to know at least where he is going and what his activities are — and vice versa. This is called transparency. I always tell my boyfriend to be transparent with each other — he tells me, I tell him, then we go about doing our own activities. I think being transparent reduces the feeling of jealousy. I think it helps a great deal — it gives us the freedom to do our own stuff but at the same time, he knows where i am and i know where he is.

    unless transparency is bad — tell me.

  • Mario

    After going to dance with that girl, what will you do next? Ask her out for a 2 day vacation on the weekend and criticize his boyfrend because he is jealous? Why don't you go dancing with your girlfriend? Your work mate shouldn't have justify herself why she is not going out with you. It was simply because she had integrity and didn't want to hurt you with a plain NO, her boyfriend has nothing to do with this neither does his jealousy. And if she actually would have liked to go out with you and skipped the opportunity just becasuse she was afraid of her boyfriend's jealousy, than the guy maybe should start to look for someone else that is trustworty.

  • unknown

    Thought this was a good article. The part that hit me the most was the suggestion to do activities to occupy our time and minds. In other words keep your individuality. I believe that we sometimes give up part of ourselves as an individual once in a serious relationship. We stop doing the things we love, that makes us happy thinking it will please our partner. By doing this we see them as our world. So when you feel something is threatening your world, you get jealous. That only hurts you and your relationship.

  • Stephy

    This article somehow helped me and I agree with the readers that u can not control what yo partner does even you marry him/her if they want to cheat they can find a way to. I am also very jealous such that when I suspect my partner of infidelity I probe, nag and become so edgy. I love my man but I played detective on him I was not happy with what I found out. He still denied having a relationship with any of the two women that were involved. The other one is apparently his ex-wife and she has the picture of the two of them together on her facebook profile. I was enraged but still after we made up with the guy he still maintained his innocence. I video call him any time of the day or night and would like to believe if he had a serious girlfriend or wife besides me we wouldn’t be, but the jealous still is in me. I think jealous can kill one if its not done away with

  • Debbie

    Hey

    I can relate to all of this. I am a terriby jealous person. I got more jealous when I found my boyfriend cheating twice. He didn't tell me. I did the detective work. He said I led him to it. I quarelled because of my jealously and it made him stray. He didn't intend to, he says. I can't help but wanting to read his emails still even though he said that he will never stray and loves me to death. I get paranoid when girls are overfriendly in the way they address him or write to him on facebook. I question him and grill him and get sick over it. I want to leave him but know I am part of the problem. Being in a relationship with someone who you don't trust is not advisable. If you have to look over emails then there is no trust and that relationship will never work. I can get over the infidelity but deep down I feel that i am compromising myself and can do much better. I am a professional, have a perfectly good job and am exceptionally attractive. What makes me jealous and possessive ? Insecurity from childhood possibly. However, these articles are on point. We cant control what someone else does. They also have to bear the consequences for their actions. We cannot blame ourselves for men who stray. What we need to do is really focus on building our own interests and not obsessing over a guy… I think ideally I would not only like to get over my jealously but I would like to never let a man know I am remotely jealous,,,even when I am livid with jealous and rage…. that would be true power…

  • Kristina

    I’m the jealous one in our relationship. I hate it when I see my boyfriend of 6yrs checking girls out in front of me. It gets me upset & fusterated & jealous I don’t like being jealous and want to make it go away I know it’s human nature for a guy to look but all the time come on. I think when I get jealous is when he looks @ the really pretty girls I’m afraid he’s going to leave me for someone more better & prettier than I what should I do I don’t want our relationship to end. I also agree with you Katie.

  • shaneia

    I’m in relationship a jealous man. I can’t describe how much stress and strain this is putting on our relationship. He acts like a raging maniac. I think he needs to see a head doctor. I’m fed up, I’m tierd of tring. If he don’t stop or make some real effort to, I’m gone. I’m 31yrs old and he is draining me, sucking the life out of me. I’m no longer attracted to him cause I think he is crazy!!!!! The things he accuses me of….he really believes the nonsence, even though he makes this stuff up!!

  • Avangi

    Prople the reason he dosen't allow her to go to clubs by herself, because he knows that there are men like you out there, unless you was asking her because the class as whole was going to this club. I believe as most men, and many women, a man dosen't seek out "just friends" with a female unless he's physically attracted to her. So BF is a big $ss dude and he will kick yours, because you both are acting on your basic primitive human DNA of human procreation, and survival of the fittest, and you are thinking caveman, and he is fighting caveman. Its just a reality of mating! All males and females of the age of mating need to study this as much as modern mans psycology books of control of basic instincts.

    Yes there is a difference in the basic human instinct of having ones partner in a tempting situation, such as going dancing with another, thats reality of love. But the big green eyed, raging monster of jelousy, only 2 cause of that, the person is doing it themselves, or they feel so insecure of deserving anothers love, maybe by the actions of ones partner, like in your case, but you may have gotten it yet, if your GF is ok with you and another female going out dancing, she is just not that into you!

    Been with my guy for 20 years, and niether of us would be ok with that!! What the GF buddie.

  • Beth

    Wow,

    This article was extremely insightful! Iv been seeing a man for about eight months now and I couldnt be more sure that I love him. But lately, I’ve become so jealous and insecure that I find myself obsessing over him to the point that I become physically sick….all because of a lack of trust in him. I have been emotionally drained from all the horible thoughts going through my head and I know its even more stressful to him to be interrogated all the time. He’s a wonderful man and I do believe he cares for me deeply but my jealousy is turning me into someone that neither of us likes.

    So, I do want to work on being less jealous but at the same time I want peace.of mind. A friend told me about this software that allows u to intercept messages and calls from someones phone. I think its a drastic measure, to say the least, but I find myself thinking about it.

    Any thoughts??
    Is it too insane? Should I trust him and just work on myself and overcoming my jealousy?

  • unknown

    actually, i agree with katie, why would you want to ask her to "dance" in the first place? yes, there may be no intentions at all, but to "others" eyes, it doesn't have many positive vibes to it. there are more things to do with friends, then go out clubbing. especially, these days, when people dance dirty, you're asking for trouble…not so wise after all…

  • Katie

    but this is not true at all. your man is going to cheat on you if that’s what he wants, yes, but also things can happen. like he can be out without you, and get really drunk. and there just happens to be a really pretty girl present that is all over him. thats why chicks are constantly texting and seeing what he is up to, because we don’t know who he may run into. and it’s scary. what bothers me the most is when i’m not with him. i know he won’t cheat on me, but that still doesn’t make it ok when he glances at other women. the problem isn’t worrying that he’s gonna cheat on you, it’s worrying that he is looking all the time, and flirting all the time. because when a man isn’t with you, he will most definitely do that, there’s no denying it. that’s what my problem is. even if he is with me, and continues to be with me, i know a man isn’t going to tell me everything that is going on when i’m not with him, because he doesn’t see it as a big deal. i never want him to come across a beautiful, interesting girl, and feel sort of disappointed that he is committed to me, even if he continues to be committed to me. i never want him to feel attracted to another woman.. but it’s impossible. that is the problem. no matter how much trust you have in that man. he will look. and he will hurt you.

  • Katie

    what i wanna know, why did you ask that girl to dance anyways? i bet your gf would get mad if you told her, why not take her dancing? i just don’t get it.

  • Elena

    I think one needs to step away from the situation and look at it from a different perspective.. Knowing you have a jealousy issue is the first step. From there you have to take small steps and keep working at overcoming that jealousy… Keeping communication and having a partner who is supportive makes a big difference. Reassure that person that its your issue not them and that youre working on it…Its a slow gradual process but you will get there.

  • Barbara

    I'm finding it very difficult to get over my jealousy.

  • FleurC

    My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 2 years. I had absolutely no jealous feelings at all when we first started seeing each other. Also I have never had any jealous feelings in any other relationship. But a few months into the relationship, it started to creep into me. Co-incidentally this was around the same time that he decided to open his mouth and tell me EVERYTHING about his past relationships and how much in love he was with a certain ex girlfriend (she dumped him). This has led to feelings of immense insecurity as I think I would have been much better not knowing. Also, he decided to show me a picture of her and she’s not exactly the prettiest chocolate in the box which makes me wonder *what* the hell he ever saw in her. What is it that I’m lacking that makes him not treat me as kindly and with the respect that he treated HER? I’ve since found photos and pictures on CD, and some of her belongings, that he’s kept in the home we now share together, despite the relationship finishing 5 years ago. He has explained it as “memories”. But to me, that’s not memories, thats BAGGAGE.

    To be honest I don’t think I will ever truly believe that he loves me as much as he loved HER, despite him saying he wants to marry me one day, I think it’s all just a case of settling for me. He has also told me he doesn’t want to have children with me but he certainly wanted to have children with his ex. I don’t want to be jealous all the time because it’s crippling me inside but it just seems that I’m being fed a slow release drip of poison all the time.

  • sympathetic

    Fleurc – your jealousy stems from your relationship and the way you've been treated by your man, and insecurities which arise from this girl's constant presence. I am in a similar position with my girl.

    I have been in a relationship for over two years and although not regularly sometimes suffer from jealousy over people my partner was involved with.

    Before me she was in a long term relationship. At the start of our relationship she carried on speaking and discussing feelings she still had for the ex with them, as well as using many others and flirting with them for confidence… this went on for the first year of the relationship and came to a head when she walked away with her ex while i was there and told them she was still in love with them, but later insisted it was spur of the moment and meant nothing.

    During this time the relationship was ended many times by her, she said I was ugly, not worth her time, many crushing things. This put me into a horrible unconfident state of mind which I am not over. I cheated at the beginning when the horrible behavour first started to give myself a confidence boost when intoxicated because she was hurting me so badly.

    The point of this post really is that sometimes you can cheat and it means nothing so if jealousy is due to trust issues and cheating then you should think about the situation they cheated in. It can mean NOTHING and jealousy that comes with it can wreck a relationship that isn't worth wrecking over something that is long gone.

  • blank

    Reading everyones posts have been somewhat helpful. Ive been married for a couple years and have known my wife since highschool. Ive never been a very jealous person until recently. She kind of felt distant and ive recently discovered that shes been contacting some male friends. I think she has spoken with them for quite sometime and do believe that theyre just friends. She would never cheat nor really have the time to do so with our schedules and family. But I cant stop my mind from tearing myself apart. I have discussed how I felt and she was very understanding the first couple of times but as I continued for days expressing these feelings it began to take its toll on her and she would become upset and rightfully so. I no longer want to discuss this with her for fear I may push her away. Ive found myself looking at call details and see they occaisonally talk as friends do. She has other male friends which doesnt bother me but maybe because I dont know of her contacting and calling these other male friends I guess thats my problem. When we talk about her friends the male shes talks to I never hear of and im pretty sure they dont even hang out together. I am working to try to stop my thoughts of what theyre talking about and why so frequent. Ive been trying to tell myself theyre just talking as all friends do. I dont have the right to tell her who she can and cant talk to. I guess Like this article says understanding you have jealousy issues is first step. Im just hoping maybe sharing and voicing my thoughts may help put this jealousy issue to rest.

  • me

    I have been through this for the past fourteen years. I lost my husband after 10 years because he couldn’t take it anymore. He loved me so much but I drove him away and he finally did find someone else. I have since remarried and still have the same jealousy feelings, even about girls on tv. I don’t know how to overcome this, please some body helpme. My husband does not want to be with me and I am constantly thinking that its because he is watching other girls on tv or internet etc.

  • Up

    Hi. I'm a jealous person and this is something that has put a burden on my marriage.

    I have been married for 9 years… I love my wife to death but 2 years ago I have started to be extremely jealous and always questioning her where about. It's gotten to the point where we decided we need some space in order for me to fix my problem.

    But after reading everyones comment and post I really see I must change like the article says one step at a time and it won't be easy…. But I have to in order to save my marriage I even considered going to counseling in which I think is needed… Simply because I think my jealousy came from my past in which I was cheated on and taken for granted so it made me become jealous and possessive …. So if anyone can give me some advise greatly appreciated.

  • Getting better

    I discovered that my spouse of 34 yrs was having intimate relations with other women a year and a half ago. I was outraged and demanded he not speak to other women or watch anything more than a PG movie on TV! We moved away from the area where we were living. I demanded he not have any contact with anyone from the past, man or woman.

    I was a raging maniac and demanded 24/7 accountability. Just the fact that he agreed to all my conditions I now realize is a demonstration of how much he wanted to save our marriage.

    He is giving me time to heal and took responsibility for the breaking of the marriage vow.

    I let him know how much he had hurt me and damaged our relationship. I am much better today about letting him have more freedom and not as crazed as in the beginning. I believe that at present he is being faithful. However I still dont know if I have full disclosure about his actions in the past. At times I think that it doesnt matter but there are other times that I feel in order to move forward I need to know for how long he was cheating and sometimes the nature of the relationships. (one nighters or affairs)

    Building trust again is very difficult, with ups and downs but it is getting better.

  • TIRED

    I have the super jealous boyfriend…and Im tired. It feels like a full time job to keep him from thinking Im doing something Im not. I may as well be cheating I get no credit for being faithful.

    Makes me feel like whats the point???

    Why be faithful to you ur just gonna accuse me anyway???

  • AM

    It is nice to know that I am not alone. I have read every comment on here, and will continue to do so until I can overcome my jealousy.

    Thank you for all of the advice and help Mr Practicalhappiness.

  • Lana

    I feel the same about past relationships. My boyfriend had a really good looking ex lover and although he has told me she did not mean much to him and it was only ever going to be for the short term I am still very jealous. I am partly angry that he treated a relationship with such little regard (and suppose I worry he is treating me in a similar fashion). What we have is so good but I would say at least four times a day I think of his ex and it makes me insecure and mad. It does not help that he still had photos of her on his computer and I compare myself to them! I experience that quickening heart rate, and feel so mad – mostly I keep it to myself but sometimes I explode and unleash a torrent of angry words – I am venomous!. I feel he does not deserve my anger and I know it stems from my own insecurities. I read recently that some jealously, anger and resentment stems from having your relathinship rules broken and for me I think the route of my jealously is from seeing the intimate photographs of his ex. I would never let anyone take photographs of me, that is my rule, and I think it is a good rule; he took photos of an ex and has therfore broken my relationship rule and I feel resentful. I then take it out on her. It is very hard to know why people get so jealous, I do want to change and will try. Everytime I think a thought about his ex and how I can never be as good as her, I slap myself, and try to picture his face when he looks lovingly at me….I am trying and that's all we can do.

  • Davina

    It makes me feel less lonely that there other people out there as crazy as I am, lol.

    My brand of jealousy is slightly different, however… I get terribly jealous about past relationships even though I asked point blank at the beginning, "Are you over all of your previous relationships?" and he assured me that he was.

    I don't believe that he was lying either. I think I have some sick form of possessiveness that's afraid he might have loved someone more than me in the past. It's like the very fear that he could have ended up marrying or living with someone else, or even might have wanted to, sometimes rears it's ugly head and tortures me. I'm like this in all of my relationships, so I try not to ask very much about their pasts, but you usually get the jist from friends and relatives. Of course, I can get jealous of present female contacts too. It's not that I'm afraid he will leave me… I guess I'm more afraid that one day he will stop being as mad for me as I am for him when I am not having neurotic and morbid fantasies that my jealousy constructs. I never really pick fights with him about it. He probably has absolutely no idea that I think such things. It is just something that drives me crazy and can make me depressed or suspicious. I'm just hurting myself… I try not to think about it, but sometimes, especially when I'm stressed, my mind can just go wild with it. I don't really think suppressing it the way I do is the answer, but I don't know what is…

  • NeptunePlum

    Well, I understand how exhausting it could be for one partner to be accused of certain things, but there is always a reason for such accusations. It may have been something in the past that was never resolved, or something that one partner may not find so serious as the other.

    As with me, I recently found out that my husband has been texting this person I mentioned in a previous post more than he had ever admitted to. Every time he had a chance to be away from me, even in a separate room in the house, he was texting her. He doesn’t see the severity in his actions, but my argument is if it was all so innocent, why did he lie about it and hide it from me?

    Just when I was giving him the benifit of the doubt, I had to find out for myself by looking at our cell phone provider web site.

    We have discussed this in depth and he has agreed not to text her unless I am aware of it.

    I just do not understand the reasons why he has to stay in touch with this person. I do not text/call anyone with who I’ve had relations in the past. I have no need to do so.

    Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thank you.

  • practicalhappiness.com

    Great point. And he also has to remember that expressing concern in whatever form about her leaving him for another man is not going to change the chances of this happen one way or the other, so there is no point in worrying about that.

  • Cyrano

    im a man in a relationship with someone i have a genuine connection with. my irrational jealous behaviour has started to make things seem a little less perfect, this post has definitely opened my eyes and i shall start my journey of redemption jealousy is such a poor character trait especially when it is unfounded and the person you are directing this jealousy to is wholeheartedly devoted to you and deserves you to treat them better. its my opinion that when a man gets a girl he truly feels is special he becomes fearful that everyman is out to tempt her away and maybe most are….but he has to realise that she has chosen him and is well aware of her value and ignores these advances and to just enjoy his relationship.

  • Erika

    (correction) I AM JEALOUS BECAUSE I WANT TO BE.

  • Erika

    I cant believe how far Ive come because of jealousy, its like an addiction. I have allowed it to be in control of me, all my complaining and excuses of why Im jealous is just stupid, I want to be jealous because I want to be! I probably like it so much that I dont stop because it feels good, as crazy as that sounds. Just look at me googleing how not to be jealous. And all of this is because all this time I’ve known its wrong, I know how to stop I just want to cry about it like a baby. I want to be a cry baby there, I said it. No one needs professional help! no we don’t! NO YOU DONT YOUR OK. YES YOU CAN STOP. You will stop. its all in our heads, Its just in my head and if my husband does cheat on me and I never know Im not going to suffer about it before Time, thats just not fair to me or healthy, I feel I age two years everytime I allow it. And maybe I had to come this far to realize that Ive been standing with you guys in the jealous line because its easier. But now I dont want to stand here no more. 🙂

  • Emmalouise

    Hi. Thank you for writing and uploading this article onto here, am sure it will help my problem of jealousy and paranoia majorly. I really can’t put in words how grateful I am. Thank you.

  • Dave

    I agree with Marina, the first poster. It seems there are 2 type of people on this planet. Cheaters, and non-cheaters. To me it seems completely wrong to be asking your friend out to dance when you are romantically interested in her, while you are in a relationship as is she. Do you not see that this is wrong? To me it seems you are a sleazy person with no morals.

  • Ana

    while I was reading all the comments I kept saying to myself: “oh that is me”, “oh

    that is me”. Which tells me that a lot of women feel the same pain I do that

    seems to be so freaking impossible to control. My boyfriend and I have been

    dating for 8 months and I have been getting more jealous. I get so desperate at

    times and I just don’t know why I do what I do. I don’t let my boyfriends watch

    certain channels and I can’t watch tv with him. When we go out to a restaurant I

    don’t enjoy my time with him because I am always looking at what girls are

    around that will get his attention, sometimes I get very upset and I yell at him and

    afterwards I feel terrible. I feel that he is such a great man and all I am doing is

    creating problems and bringing up fights. It is very hard for me to trust him and

    that drives me crazy because I don’t want him to ever leave me 🙁

  • Anonymous

    Thought you might like to hear the other side. I am NOT the jealous one. I am married and we have been together for 20 years.

    Early in the relationship, we were both a little jealous. I think that is probably normal in a new relationship because you are still getting to know the other person. However, after 20 years together ….

    It's so crushing when I find out that he has been snooping through my email, checking my cell records and otherwise keeping track of me and then accusing me of things I would NEVER do.

    I don't stay faithful for HIM – I do it for me! I'm not interested in a fling, I have more respect for myself than that. I'm a firm believer that you don't jump from one relationship to find something you think is better. If this one doesn't work, end it and move on. If it's broken and worth the effort, try to fix it.

    I love this man, in spite of the hateful, hurtful things he says. But being with him is exhausting. Even in the good times, I'm always on edge wondering what will be next.

    Imagine always being accused of something you didn't do. I'm fearful to do or say the wrong thing. – No one should live like that. It wears on you. You are always guarded. I'm always worried about what will set him off. – And then, like a teenager with strict parents, I rebel – I let my guard down and just go ahead and do or say whatever I want (don't get me wrong, this is still innocent behavior). I know he'll probably find something to get upset about anyway, so why bother?! – It's not that I WANT to upset him, but there are times when I just don't care anymore.

    I wish you all could understand the emotional damage AND the damage to your relationship because of your jealousy.

    I'm an innocent victim, although it's my choice to stay.

    I understand that you don't intend to hurt your partner. Your intentions are good, but your actions and words and painful.

    Thankfully you have all read this article and TRYING to change. I'm sure it's not easy, and it won't happen overnight, but you'll be much happier when you aren't stressing about things you ultimately have no control of. Cheaters will still cheat, but don't paint (and punish) the innocent ones with the same brush.

  • Kerri

    Wow I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one that feels this way. I have a very difficult time with jealousy and I think it all stems from me not being happy with myself and having low self esteem. My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months and in the beginning of our relationship I trusted him. The longer we are together the more jealous I get. He has a lot of friends that are girls and even some of them are ex girlfriends. It bothers the hell out of me! If I am not with him I am worrying what he is doing and where he is at. I always feel like he is going to try and hide something from me. I get pissed because I don't want him to think he can get something past me. I can't stand that I am this way. I also get jealous when a hot girl is on tv or a movie. How stupid!! I just wish I could get past all this jealousy crap. I just started seeing a psychologist last week and my jealousy is something I'm definately going to bring up to her!

  • In Love

    Less than 5 months ago I finally met the man of my dreams. I have always been in long term relationships and became a single women 3 1/2 years ago. I am 51, look better than I have ever looked in my life. I have always been a very independent woman, a business owner and confident. My gorgeous new boyfriend (age 61) feels he too has met his dream girl and asked me to be in an exclusive relationship with him. He is also talking about marriage. He is so in love with me, adores me, tells me I am his priority, and says I am the most beautilful women on the inside and out he has ever met. We have the most intense spiritual connection that we both feel we have never experienced with anyone else before. We are planning to live together in the next couple of months. He has shared stories with me of sexual moments with past girls….. the most erotic stories I’ve ever hear. He is a very attractive man and he is always telling me how girls are always flirting with him. Until this past week I never felt any jealousy emotion at all. We are so happy together. I had my first emotional feeling of jealousy New Years eve. I invited my single neighbor (pretty polish girl) over to have a drink with us New Years Eve as I felt sorry for her being all alone. I made it clear to her to come down for about one hour. I told my boyfriend I only wanted her with us for no more than one hour. I told her to come dressed casual and comfortable. When I greeted her at the door she had a extreme sexy corset top on that laced up in the front. The top edge of the corset barely covered the edge of her areola. Therefore, her large breast and cleveage was greated exposed in our faces. After 30 mins. she was going to leave and he said oh no stay longer you don’t need to rush. She attempted to leave again after 30 more minutes and he started a new conversation with her for 30 more minutes. He was so engaged in conversation with her, I felt totally ignored, left out of the conversation as though I was not present. I began to feel this unpleasant feeling inside that I believe they call Jealousy? The next day I asked him why is insisted that she stay when he knew I didnt want her with us for no longer than one hour. He said he was just trying to be nice. I didn’t want him to know I was experiencing jealous emotions. I know that he is so in love with me as he expresses his feelings about me every second. I’m not sure what has happened or why I am feeling as though I’m jealous all of a sudden, but I realize I need to eliminate it NOW before it continues to grow and become a serious issue. I am quickly trying to educate myself on how to oversome this feeling before it ruins a beautiful realationship. The weird thing is …… I really do trust him. I am determined to educate myself more on how to beat this rediculous thing called “Jealously”. So, the challenge is “Let’s Do It”! I will not let “Jealously” destroy the most incredible and beautiful realtionship I have ever had. Thank you for your practical advise.

  • Ally

    7 years ago, my husband and I was lying naked on bed and have just recovered from a steamy moment when suddenly a sexy actress appeared on the TV screen and with out him maybe thinking twice he insensitively uttered "that actress' skin is equally flawless as *name of a girl*". And that name belonged to the married woman who was once rumored on him having an affair while he was still single and me is yet out of his life.Whatever the truth behind that gossip between them is really out of my business as it happened before me. But the thing that he thought of that woman while his with me lying naked and tactlessly expressed something about her physical asset made me so much insulted and betrayed. Tho he constantly denied on me that he actually had an affair with that woman yet I could'nt stop myself from thinking why would he remember her right during an intimate moment with me if they surely never been together.For me he cheated me not by having physical sex with another woman but by his thoughts.

    I spent my whole 7 years of marriage with paranoia and intense insecurity and irrational jealousy.I discovered this site from my desperately searching for an answer or reassurance that I would win my battle.Battle to regain my injured ego and betrayed feelings.

    To live a life with excruciating pain within and immense insecurity is a real hell.

  • NeptunePlum

    Jealous-one,

    I know how you feel. It is so difficult. My husband is extremely understanding and open with me about any conversations he may have with his friend and it relieves my worry for a short while, but it always resurfaces shortly thereafter. I know that I cannot change anyone, but I can change how I react to people and situations. It is an ongoing task that I hope to have a grasp on soon.

  • Jealous-one

    NeptunePlum,

    I may be the only man here but I'm in the same boat. I'm jealous! I'm jealous of my partner having a relationship with a friend. The sheer mention of that friends name sends me into agony. I've tried to confront my partner and tried to spell things out but there seems to be no end in sight. I cannot force her to end that relationship, I cannot force myself to ignore it. Seems like a loose-loose situation. I've tried to ask about the person in question but got bunch of vague excuses. The worst part is that he should not even feel as a threat to me, the distance is simply to great. But, alas I can't get control of myself and I feel that pretty soon, if I dont get better, i'll ruin the best relationship i've ever had. Which sends me looking for answers. Best of luck to everyone here.

  • NeptunePlum

    I have read your article and find some of the tips very useful, while other parts tend to make me think twice about my feelings.

    My issues with jealousy stem from previous relationships. I have been cheated on and I have also been the cheater in the past.

    In my relationship with my husband, however, I have never cheated on him, nor entertained such a thought. We have been together over five years; he is my best friend and my soul mate.

    He has recently reconnected with a friend with whom he had relations before we met. He sends/receives text messages frequently and although it shouldn't bother me, it does very much so. I believe that we all are capable to love many people and I do not want to be the type of person to prevent my husband from caring for others. My husband's friend is single with children and has gone through some rough times as of lately. I have gathered clothes that no longer fit my children to give to her. He has taken the clothes to her and met with her for coffee. I have more clothes for him to give to her as I, too, care very much about people, especially in need for I have been there myself in past years.

    I know I must trust him, but it is his friend I question. I would never text and carry on with a married friend if I were single. What does this say about my husband? What kinds of signals may he be sending her? Perhaps she feels there is something lacking in his marriage and he turns to her? This in turn makes me feel as though I am not enough for my husband. It is not even the physical attraction that he may have towards her, but the intellectual stimulation that he may be seeking that I may not provide. All of these insecurities build up and cause me to have extreme anxiety inside. I have explained my feelings with my husband, and he understands. When he is open with me about his conversations with his friend, I feel more secure and a "part of" the situation. I do not want to forbid him to communicate with this person, for that is not my place to do so. I would very much like to meet her and possibly become friends with her. Perhaps that would make things easier for me.

    If there is any advice to be shared, I would appreciate it immensely.

    Thank you and Happy Holidays 🙂

  • practicalhappiness.c

    Thanks for sharing your experience. The ironic part is that if your partner is not doing anything outside of the marriage, relationship, being jealous and overly suspicious is more likely to push him in that direction. Some guys in that situation think: "If I am already prosecuted for something I don't do, I might as well do it…."

  • Maureen

    This is a message to KAREN particularly from 18 September at 3.01.

    I am in the same position as you. Married to a soldier, spent many many years out side of UK with no family or friends around me. That is when my jealousy really took hold. With no support network around, no-one to talk to you get up in the morning, deal with the kids all day, not glamerous. Although they are soldiers they still work with women dont they!

    I have been married for 11 years now and it has just come to a head so have been seeking help. I was totally paranoid about him, all those stag do's, always out without me and needing to know where he was 24/7. Goodness, I was even convinced that my hubby was cheating whilst on tour cause we all know that there are women over there!

    Face book and Friends Reunited, no, I certainly wouldnt allow him on those! Why on earth would he want to go back and speak to old friends or even scarier, make new ones, and of the opposite sex – agggghhhhh.

    We have just hit a stone wall and maybe getting divorced and I know that most of this is my fault.

    Before its too late, get a life! Go to the AEC, take a course, join the wives club, try a craft, go to the NAAFI and seek clubs to make friends, there are support networks out there, try volunteering, YOU ARE DEFINATELY not alone but you need to speak with others in the same boat. Only an army wife can understand what you are going through.

    For me, the last 12 years have revolved around my husband as we have spent 8 years outside uk, most of which we have no control over. Making friends seems pointless as we will be moving again in 24 months! I have tried checking his phone which he now locks. He cant buy me pressies cause I would want to know where he is! I collect him from the station each day so I know he doesnt go anywhere else. If he wants to go to town, I come with him. I sort of feel he should be with me all the time.

    I MUST CHANGE – I WILL CHANGE – I MUST SAVE MY MARRIAGE

    I have a wonderful husband who is fed up of my behaviour. So again my advice to you and all – GET A LIFE AND BELIEVE YOU ARE WORTHY – good luck xxx

  • bugsy

    hi

    it really helped me to know the flaws of jealousy……

    thank you for letting us know those things

    i admit i'm a jealous girlfriend but after i had read this,it made me open my mind and think i'm not really bad at all being jealous

    but indeed made me think i had far much better things to do to appreciate love for myself and for my boyfriend….

    may you help more of those jealous guys out there…..

  • JealousMe

    At least I am not alone in this madness … Reading your replies makes me feel somehow better, yet we all have to overcome this devastating feeling since it destroys us and our relationships. I have always been jealous of ex girlfriends of every boyfriend I had. I have always been insecure about the way my boyfriends felt for me and speculating that they loved their ex more, not to mention the obsession that every ex girlfriend whether I have seen her or not would indubitably would have been prettier than me. However, reading this article and your replies while being in a state in which I loathe this feeling and really want to overcome it, made me realize how silly women we all are. The real problem is that we do not trust ourselves, probably our parents mistake or past experiences, however it is so sad. So the question is, do we deserve a boyfriend that we have to conrtol twenty for seven so as not to cheat on us? Probably it is more healthy and meaningful to have someone who can be allured but chooses not too. So what if he is a cheater? Can't we handle our lifes alone? Can't we be happy without a man? Yes, we all deserve happiness in a relationship however when the other person becomes your only perequisite for happiness you become a slave… The only solution is to become independent and secure about ourselves. Good luck to everyone, I have promised myself to make the effort 🙂

  • Kelly

    Sorry I didn't manage to say anything helpful in my previous post. I know how hard it is to stop yourself from saying anything or placing your anger on your bf in these situations. The only thing I've found to help is having some sort of mantra. You can only protect and help yourself in these situations. No matter how often he reassures you, you either won't believe him, or it plain just doesn't alleviate the pain; and you don't want to be always looking to him for reassurance. I like to tell myself, he chose me, he's lucky to have landed this, I'm confident (hey, fake it til you make it!) I try to act like the person I want to be. (Dress for the job you want). I put a lot of time and energy into looking attractive on the outside. I don't want to negate all this work by being an insecure crybaby. That's unattractive, no matter how pretty you are. I think just talking yourself through these feelings when they set is the only thing that can really make a difference. (either that or xanax…) I doesn't always help, but I'm practicing.

  • Kelly

    Wow, Anita, I feel like I wrote your post. I'm the same way, I can't watch movies with my boyfriend without freaking out or crying (silently!) and comparing myself to the hot (oftentimes naked) women in them. I feel physically sick and my heart races and I without fail say something mean and accusing to my boyfriend (who can't control what's on the screen). I am a complete mess around him when other women are in the picture. I tear out ads from magazines with attractive, scantily clad women. I watch his eyes when we're out and accuse him of checking out every attractive woman. Like you, I feel like it's not right for our boyfriends to be able to lust over other naked women. Porn isn't fair. Topless actresses in movies aren't fair. I feel like this world is a hostile, torturous place for a woman in a relationship. The media absolutely does cater to men, and there's nothing we can do about it. We can't monitor and control everything our men look at (um, I've tried). Men can't understand how hard it is to be a woman when we are bombarded with beautiful, unattainable images of fake, airbrushed women, with their hair and makeup (and plastic surgery) done perfectly. And men don't have to put up with their wives and girlfriends ogling other men and hot, naked men in movies, and porn for that matter, which is catered to men 99% of the time. Something that irks me: you know when you're watching a nude scene or something with your boyfriend or even just guy friends, if you're single, and you know it would make you sound like a "crazy woman" if you point it out or complain about it or show any insecurity? So you silently fume or freak out. But what if every movie you watched had sexy, naked mean with their (large) junk out, for all the world to see? Tell me what guy wouldn't complain about seeing another guy's junk on screen, or wonder if theres should be that big. And yet we are expected to accept a woman's perfectly large, tanned breasts in our face in every other movie we watched. God I really wish I could just be a lesbian sometimes, men don't know how easy they have it (in this regard) in this culture that caters to their monkey desires.

    And um, author, are you serious? My boyfriend isn't jealous but I don't think it would go over too well if I told him I was going out dancing with another guy tonight. Does your girlfriend go on dates with other men? Curious.

  • Anita

    Perhaps I won’t get a reply, but actually expressing it where other have similar issues might help. I’m in my 20’s, very attractive, intelligent and goog hearted. Met him twelve years ago and ever since the break up a few years back, things have been much better as I’ve changed so much in a positive way. I wasn’t jealous with any other relationships, but with him I am and I can’t control it (yet). A few months ago he saw a movie with close up breasts and that trigerred the outrage. I am very visual and there’s not a day I don’t visualize him in that teather looking at those breasts. The body is our temple, it’s special, a woman even with all her self image issues gives herself to the man he loves, why is it ok for him to see other women naked? I can’t comprehend it. I feel it’s a betrayal. Even if the woman is unattractive, overweight or beautiful and on tv, I know he’s not leaving me for that visual image behind the screen and he certainly can’t cheat on me with a magazine…but it still eats me inside. Sports, Alcohol, Cars, ads, movies, it’s mostly catered to men. Those beautiful women are supposed to be their desire to be with, and our desire to be. Even magazines for women only portray beautiful skinny women, and give you tips on loosing weight and acceoting your imprefections. I am attractive, I wouldn’t change my larger than normal nose for anything and I do not think he will leave me for someone else. I just can’t accept that he could lust over someone else, see someone else’s naked body, or see attractive women half naked on magazines. I don’t even like watching movies with him or on my own because if it has indecent images, I imagine that’s something he might of seen already. I thought about cheating on him to get even for watching those movies…but I can’t demean myself like that. So I talk to him, after so many years I’d much rather make it work or separate in good terms than do a silly thing like that. I Know I have a problem. I don’t want to control him. I am making his days a nightmare, and worst of all, I am making mine a living hell every single minute of every single day. Giving up would be easier, but Next to my family there’s no one I love more than him. If somehow I knew It’s not going to work and we’d be happier without eachother, I’m willing to leave him…but I can’t leave without trying my best first. I don’t know what my problem is but I desperately want to know to work on it because I’m ready to burst. Today he suggested couples counseling and I am happy for that, though I dont know where to start looking.
    Nothing is obligating him to be with me or stand by my side through my irrational behaviour. He is with me because he loves me and has proven faithful and loyal so far, I have no reason to suspect anything. It’s all my imaginative mind, I’m loosing control over myself and ruining our relationship. If anyone surpassed this, please share what helped you the most.

  • Anonymous

    I'm sorry you all have to suffer from jealousy. I myself do too…. luckily my bf is very kind and patient with me but its gotten to the point where he doesn't want to be around the jealousy anymore. I literally can't watch TV with him without starting a fight because some random girl in a commercial is in a bikini …. i literally cant even go to the beach because i would feel so jealous. I know its irrational but I can't help it… I become filled with rage, pain and jealousy….

  • Lovesyoungerman

    Hmmm. Sounds like many of these guys have created this jealously by cheating, inappropriate pics, phone calls, etc.

    Girls! Listen up! Even if you've got a kid, make your plan and dump his a$$ !!!

    Get an education, a job, a life… And find a man who appreciates you!

    When a guys cheating, it's not a jealously issue… It's a fidelity problem! Especially with babies in the picture… Get rid of the dude, listen to that voice in your head… It's the angel on your shoulder!

  • Kaizen

    This one is Titled LET HER PROBLEMS BE HER PROBLEMS— For the men out there When you run into the Linda Blairs of the world an her head starts to spin around in front of you ( if you have no idea what I'm talking about watch The Exorcist ) or Drama comes up. Instead of trying to fix it or save her or feeling like its your problem bcoz its her problem. STOP!!! and say, "That's her problem in her life she created that I'm gonna let her handle that. That's part of her maturing process." I've had relationships in my past that I've done alot of damage 2 and the person in their life by trying to fix their problems for them and carrying my righteous flag of… " If I can just fix and solve all your problems then your life well be great and well have a great relationship and everything will be perfect" ( Doesn't Work ) What I was really doing was robbing the woman that I care about very much of the opportunity to mature and become a more developed independent person.

  • Zeet

    I can only comment on what it is like to be in a relationship with someone you love who is excessively jealous. I am 34 and my boyfriend is 27. We have been living together for a year and we are crazy about each other. The only problem is that he is so jealous and insecure. If I dress too nicely for his liking, or I wear my hear nice, or even if he feels I wear too much purfume, I must be doing it to impress someone else. I am in sales and work in a predominantly male driven industry, which does not make things any easier for him. I have to attend client functions and sponsership events which he cannot attend with m. I have never given him a reason to doubt me or suspect me of any wrong doing, although he cheated on me in the beginning of our relationship. And I can honestly say that when he is not jealous, our relationship is amazing.

    It is getting to the point where I am on the defensive all the time. I am limiting my attendence at work fuctions, which is not good for my career, as I dont want to have to deal with the argument that will ensue. We argue alot and have already had crazy fights where one of us has walked out. He keeps coming back with promises to change. I love him dearly and can really see a future for us. But his jealous ways are starting to drive a wedge between us.

  • Davina

    I have just read all your replies & relate to all you say….even down to worry if beautiful women special with very little clothing come on tv….I have been very jealous when in a relationship all my adult life & continually acuse my partner of one thing or another….& my longest relationship lasted amazingly 15 years…poor guy…lol he put up with my extreme thoughts & up & down moods & temper for the best part of our relationship…although the last year or two I didnt feel jealous at all…I thought I had miraculously been cured….haha….think it was just the I had lost interest in the relationship so wasnt bothered anymore what he thought or did….hence why we split up amoung numerous other things….

    Recently though the passed 6 months i have been with someone new & surprise surprise the jealousy feelings have reared their ugly head again & big time….big prob his job sometimes means he is in close proximity with young women dressed in hardly anything going to nightclubs….so when he is out doing his job at night specially weekend nights my mind just works overtime thinking who he is talking to…it is drivin a big wedge between us…I asked him if he would work earlier hours not late night up till 3am in the morn specially weekend nights…. because it upsets me so much…but he isnt one for getting up early & he cant get in to a routine….but my mind sometimes thinks if he really cares about me & how it affects me he would try to work say from 10 am to 10pm…he now is sayin I shouldnt try to come between him & his work….I would love to know everyones thoughts on have I got the right to ask him to change his hours of work which he can easily do so if he could get his butt out of bed at a sensible time knowing how it affects me & our relationship….or should I just be expected to sit at home & trust him…I know he wouldnt cheat as do anything with another girl cos of his strict religious up bringing but I still dont like the thought of him being around tarty scantily dressed females….as men are men.. & it doesnt take much for them to get turned on or be attracted to some hot female…my confidence is rock bottom at the moment & I sometimes think for my own sanity I should just stay single cos I dont seem to be happy in a relationship…

  • abzaco

    In spite of being cheated on by my partener of 7 years after giving birth to our son, i took him back because I loved him to the point i had to swallow my pride and learn to trust again. Now 2 years later as we begin to make plans for our wedding, he decides to start up an emotional affair with some new chick from work, in the midst of going through couples therapy and all. I think the article is right, when it says if a man is going to cheat, there is nothing we can do to stop them because they will find a way. I like the advice about finding other interests and hobbies, except I"m only interested in having a family and laying down a solid foundation. I guess that will have to wait:) I hate being jealous, but I've come to realize that he is incapabale of changing, and I have to protect myself and get out to perserve my own sanity. Like the article says, this happens to many people and everything works out for the better. I know that I can't waste my precious love and time on the wrong person anymore. Ladies get out!

  • abzaco

    In light of being cheated on by my partener of 7 years after giving birth to our son, i took him back because I loved him to the point i had to swallow my pride and learn to trust again. Now 2 years later as we begin to make plans for our wedding, he decides to start up an emotional affair with some new chick from work, in the midst of going through couples therapy and all. I think the article is right, when it says if a man is going to cheat, there is nothing we can do to stop them because they will find a way. I like the advice about finding other interests and hobbies, except I"m only interested in having a family and laying down a solid foundation. I guess that will have to wait:) I hate being jealous, but I've come to realize that he is incapabale of changing, and I have to protect myself and get out to perserve my own sanity. Like the article says, this happens to many people and everything works out for the better. I know that I can't waste my precious love and time on the wrong person anymore. Ladies get out!

  • anna

    Hi ladys…well it seems were all stuck in a bit of a vicious circle…im afraid im the same and the more i push it the more further he runs…the thing is is how do we get out of it?!! ive actually made my boyfriend act like I act…i make accusations n then over time he started right back at me…its like hes mirroring my behaviour and now its got to the point were we both act like it, but its always me that starts over…I saw a girl he added whilst he was on holiday on fb the other day and i saw red!! my heart pace went through the roof and i was immediately shaking with stress and without even thinking I automatically went straight for my phone to call him and shout "what the hell r you doing adding some chick"…well 3 actually whilst on holiday! its like possesion of somesort of demon lol…he explained and got angry ect ect…I even know hed never do anything.. but the thought of him having had contact with other women when im not there kills me!! anyway weve been rowing about this for a week now and hes on holiday for another week we made up night b4 last n then yesterday one of the girls he added posted a video on his wall and wrote…im sure youll love this!…I saw red again!! and then went on another wobbler after promising I wouldnt do it again..this time I even demanded to speak to his friend who was with him…his mate said he thinks i should calm down as I have nothing to worry about n that my man loves me alot n wouldnt do anything to hurt me! so now well see what happens today…will we talk?…will he even want to speak to me?..I dont know, but I also need help hence looking on here today…reading all of these helps a bit in the sense it makes you realise how bloody rediculous were all being thinking we can control someone..or even that we have the right to do that in the first place…its easy to think okay from today im gonna sort it out…its next time it presents its self that we have to stop and think…but thats just soo hard when your unprepared for it!….how do we overcome possesivness and jelousy and fear?? I dont know the answer…who do you go to for help??

  • Lei

    Ive been in my current relationship for 9 years, married for 4. And its only been since we became married and had a our first child that I've been so jealous and its becoming worse by the day it seems. I would never have even fathomed looking through his emails or texts before we were married. Its ironic how he's legally married to me and its now that I fear him walking away from me more. I was never one with much self confidence but rarely got jealous. Now I have come to the point where I have ugly thoughts, and am always suspicious of him. What scares me most is that most of the friends he has are female and I honestly have no friends male or female. He is now in the military and is gone a lot. Which really adds more stress on me about him being faithful. He is exposed to so many new things and relationships that I'm afraid he'll forget what he has at home. I am jealous because i feel threatened everyday he is gone by the likelihood that someone more amazing will walk his way. I tell him this and he does try to let me know how much I mean to him, which is fine, but its very hard to believe when he seems to only want to be in the company of others…most of all women. On one of my suspicious days I went on one account he has and I saw four photos of a girl I had worries about. And she was sexually posing half naked on a bed. When I confronted him he said the girls brother in law sent them to him to embarass the girl. When I asked him why he did not delete them, he had no answer. A month later he get home on a short leave when I see messages popping up on his phone from the same girl. I asked him to stop talking to her and he does not. Also I think I've had post partum depression since we had out baby, so things like that throw me into horrible moods of anger and want nothing more than to lay in pure darkenss for sometimes days at a time. I don't know what to do. I try to do things to occupy my time and try to regain a feeling of value and purpose I once held long ago, I try to rekindle the love I had for my art and photography in vain. The thought of losing him scares me to my core.

  • angel86

    OMG,i couldn't read this article and comments without crying!im so jealous like crazy!i realize that its wrong and it hurts me and my boyfriend a lot.we've been together for almost a year.when we first got together i felt like i was the happiest person in the world.everything he was doing for me was so special and perfect.every morning when he woke up he was giving me a kiss,holding my hand all the time when we were in public.and then i became this jealous person i'm right now.i'm jealous of every women he looks at on the street,if we watch TV and he says that he thinks this girls is hot.and especially his girl friends that he had before he met me.which makes me hate all his girl friends and be completely anti-social in their presence.i feel like im scared to lose him and thats why im trying to control his every move but i realize that it doesn't make sense at all and it doesn't work that way in relationships.but the moment i have this feeling i can't let it go.i start having these crazy pictures in my head what he might be doing or what he is thinking about other girls and i start a fight,blaming him for not giving me enough attention and giving that attention to other females.this attitude ruins everything.and now he is becoming distant,what makes me feel even more jealous.its just crazy,feels like fire burning in your chest!i know there is no reason to be jealous, i just create those crazy scenarios in my head.i guess i need professional help.

  • marilyn

    If one is jealous in a present relationship will he be jealous in every relationship? Could it have anything to do with how the partner acts or reacts to the jealousy.

    In the first few months of my present relationship I was sooooo happy that I had no jealous feelings. But that ended when he was very attentive to other females and telling me of incidents of other girls flirting with him. He tries to make eye contact with and greet all people he walks by but becomes very excitable and happy when he receives the attention of other females and if I say that I am upset about it he becomes very cavalier in his attitude with me and says he is only saying hi which only enrages me even more. I know I shouldn't be jealous over how he likes to talk to everyone but I wonder if its possible to be less jealous with a person who would possess a different character. I havent had many relationships so I would'nt know but I do know this insecurity will kill this relationship or me if I can't overcome it. Please help!

  • Sharon

    Thought I was really bad at dealing with jealousy in a relationship but after reading all these i realize i might not as bad as I thought in this matter. My boyfriend is very handsome, young, smart and god damned rich. I am older, above average looking, and just simply sweet woman. I never understood why he chose to be with me while there's a hot hot hot girl has been chasing after him and she still does. It doesn't appear to me that he doesn't like that girl, but he again and again reassures me that he has no interests in her.

    but i get jealous every time when i see this girl showing off her nice body, and pretty face, looking at him as if he was her boyfriend. Then a few days ago I finally had enough and expressed my anger on him–i wanted him to distant her, it drove me nuts.

    After that i feel so bad. He always trusts me, but I almost assume the worst about him. I am ashamed. Reading this article helped me a lot, and I took notes to remind myself. I'll try to do whatever I can to be a better person in a relationship. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and thanks for people who commented and helped me better understood myself.

  • Karen

    Karen, that posted september 1st, i feel exactly the same. I can’t even watch movies with my husband anymore cos they are always full of sexy women. the thought of my man fancying anyone else or being aroused by anyone is too painful to bear. I feel so inadequate compared to them, and know he will never meet a star but the thought is always in my mind IF the opportunity arose he’d surely leave me for someone more beautiful and sexy than I. This article really hits the nail on the head, but still I find it difficult to overcome. I just want to be normal, and enjoy my relationship. I really would like to hear if anyone out there has overcome this morbid jealousy and how they did it. He mentions in this article about finding things to keep occupied, but i can’t as i’m living in Germany my husband is in the army, so ive no family friends all i have is him and i don’t speak the language. My husband was so loving and made me feel like a princess when we 1st got together, thats when my jealousy started, as soon as he became important to me and this last year he’s become distant from me, quicker to anger with me and loss of some respect. I’m losing him when all i tried for was to not. Please help anyone, if any advice for me befrore its too late. Ive been with my husband for 3 years and hope and desperately want it to be many more and for us to have a family.

  • daisy

    I'm also a very jealous lover. Iv been dating my boyfriend for over two years now. I am always suspicious of his moments, calls etc. Found out he was cheating on me. He said he's no longer with her now. Bt I do nt trust him because the girl keeps calling and they have known eachother way longer than I have known him. The whole thing makes me insecure and yet, he doesn't help matters because he keeps lying about nt talking to the girl and yet wen I go through his phone, I see they had spoken. I'm totally confused. All in all, he keeps assuring me of his love for me bt the thought of the other girl makes me doubt his sincerity. Any help?

  • lila

    thanks for your article.

    it showed me once again that im still jealous and still insecure

    i know why i have a big fear of losing him. i havent had the best childhood.

    but i dont think its fair to treat my husband like that. he treats me like a queen and understands why i am acting the way i am and is willing to help me in any way but when i do have the 2 minutes of crazy jealousy it hurts him.I HURT HIM.

    i used to go through his phone and all that crazy stuff to check if he was hiding anything. but if he was doing all that crazy stuff i do ,i would be so sad and disappointed that he doesnt trust me.

    i dont go through his phone anymore just to show myself that i can do it and that i need to trust him because he loves me and would not do such a thing and that we are married because we love and respect each other.

    after i gave birth to our son i was not confident at all. i didnt want him to go anywhere without me. we went to the gym , to the store, etc everything together. and if he took more than 15 minutes to come back my mind drove me crazy. thoughts of him doing something else insead of going to the store ….. 🙁

    i m doing a little better but i know i still have a long way to go to get over my jealousy / low self conficence

    but this crazy way of mine is killing me and i dont want to be like that because i want to live a NORMAL life

    i called a psychologist for help. i am willing to do anything.

    i love to read psychology books also. any suggestions ?

    thank you

  • Karen

    I feel your pain Karen. I am consumed by jealousy, to the point that I get jealous over pretty women on television. WHY ON EARTH should I feel threated by a TV star? They are not after my man. I tried to examine my motivations…and the only thing I can come up with is that I have some insecure notion that if my man looks lustfully at another woman, it means he doesn't care for me. He has turned the tables on me and asked….what would you do if I got upset when a nice looking man came on TV? I tell him…they mean nothing to me. I only have eyes for you. I see them, yeah they are handsome, but so what. If he knocked on my door, I would not even be tempted by him because I love you….He then says, babe I feel the same way. There is no other woman for me but you. STILL, I am overcome by jealousy to the point that he is considering breaking things off. I dont want to lose him. I am so controlled by this silly insecurity that its eating me alive.

  • Karen

    I have my own jealousy issues to deal with. i have been married for about four years now, and been with my together a total of eleven years. My partner has been patient with me, but like the past articles, it's hard to overcome. My husband and I almost split up because of my jealousy. I always have a suspicious feeling that "somebody" is going to try and take my husband from me. I have to get more self confidence and overcome this before it tears my marriage apart. I wish that I was "normal" and wasn't so suspicious of everything my husband does. My husband is my best friend, lover and all that. He is a very loving man and I know that I need to change my ways to keep my marriage strong and full of trust – from both sides. Any suggestions to help me along this journey would be greatly appreciated……:)

    Signed,

    "Not so sunny in CA"

  • Ana

    Hi,
    Thanks for your article. I find myself agreeing with you in all opints, I have given this same speech to several of my friends. However, it is funny how life tricks you, I have become sooo jealous. I have been with my husband for 7 years now, and we were entering a phase of more opening and freedom. So my husband took me toa strip club because this was something he wanted to do for a long time now, and I felt extremely unconfortable. I have been very suspicious of him ever since and the “opening phase” has closed down for me. I even go through his phone and I find myself pathetic. We have discussed this matter frequently and he is very supportive and understanding. I am going to try harder to block my suspicioness, but folks, this is hard!!!

  • Marina

    Hello Mr PracticalHappiness,

    first of all, thank you for the article, it's helped me a lot to reflect on my behavior and i will definitely follow your advice. Secondly, i cant help to mention the feeling i had when reading the beginning of your story about you and your classmate. It was the thought of you being inappropriate in asking her to go out dancing, I'm sorry to have passed judgement but I have always believed that things must not only be right but they must also look right and to me it wouldnt look right for someone with a partner to ask someone else's partner to go out. i know it doesnt matter what i or anyone else would think only the fact that your partner's feelings matter and if they dont seem to mind then no harm is done. But regardless, it just seems weird to me that you were "shocked" it might just be that your relationship may be one of a kind, and that's great, i wish I would be blessed with something like that, but for all those of us out there who have consideration, male or female, would have turn down the offer, i'm sorry if these comments are absurd to you but it seems a more appropriate thing would have been to have asked you classmate to go out dancing along with their partner and with yours as well. I'm saying this because this girls boyfriend obviously doesnt know you and how would you expect him to react to his girlfriend going out with a male classmate??? i mean unless you guys were best intimate friends and he would have knowledge of you from her talking about you, then it seems that no boundaries would be crossed and then she wouldnt hesitate to have accepted your invitation. I do hope to change my behaviors and will try my hardest, regardless of what i think now, i honestly wish i could see things more like you.

    thanks,

    Mari

  • Kay

    Ahh, Yes! This artical will indeed push me even more to get over my jealousy issue I've recently been trying to throw away.. See, my boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. Before, we were best friends that couldn't be separated and now we are a couple and still can't be separated! I am oh, so happy and in love with him, but we have been through A LOT to say the least.. About 6 months ago I was cheated on by him. He hadn't confessed to me until recently, though I did sense that something had happened.. It was one, not too harsh incident, but they shared a kiss. Some how, in a miraculous way the confession brought us so much closer and deeper in love. I wasn't about to throw him away after a whimpy mistake like that. He's too much a special gift to me.

    Although I forgive him and still love him, I admit I still feel alittle scarred. We are in the process of building back up trust and I have come a long way.. But I still sometimes find myself feeling alittle anxious when he's with other girls without me or he's texting another girl and I've caught myself feeling like a spy a couple of times. I realize I have a problem and I get upset with myself for it, because I know he's innocent, yet, I let my head go back to the past and i start to feel hurt and pity myself.

    I am SO ready to stop feeling like that all together.

    You're right. You can't control your partner. You can only control yourself. I can't stop things from happening. What I can do is eliminate the ugly jealousy and let my confidence and happiness shine. Because I am! That's why it's so hard for me when I realize I do get jealous, because I shouldn't feel like that.

    I want to enjoy my beautiful boy and love him because he picked me and I know that now :]

    Thankyou so much!!

  • Anonymous

    Hello, thank you for this article, I found it very helpful. I know that there's a lot of stories about personal experiences that you've gone over already, but I can't help but to want to share with you my personal experience.

    I wasn't quite sure that I had issues with jealousy until I read this, then I realized that your description sounds exactly like me. I've had issues with relationships throughout my past, I've been separated from my family throughout my life and I've moved constantly thus leaving me without many friends. I've met this man who I've felt very comfortable with from the beginning and fell in love with him quickly (which isn't something that's easy for me). We've been living together for eight months now and have combined our income comfortably. Where I'm living at, unfortunately, I don't know very many people. He, on the other hand, has many friends and enjoys having an active social life. I know that he isn't a cheater, but when he goes out and I stay home it gets pretty lonely. It caused me to act in certain ways that I don't normally which only made him feel like he was constantly questioned and not trusted. He did break up with me because he was tired of the constant fighting over nothing. But he is still very good to me, we still live together and combine our income, he told me that the only reason why he did it was to show me that he's not my whole world. He tells me that he still loves me and he makes more money than I do so I know I'm not being used. I have a hard time with adapting though, I can't help but to feel as if I've depended on myself long enough and now I know for certain that all I want out of life is him. I know that it sounds corny and it's not fare to him for me to put him up on such high of a pedestal. Do you have any advice for me to help me salvage the damage I made to our relationship?

  • practicalhappiness.com

    Hi, Debbie.

    Great question and I really hope that you are not going to destroy your own wonderful relationship. I believe that besides taking the article above seriously and trying to follow the steps, you must refuse to become a victim of your past. You have to keep reminding yourself that just because one or more guys were a certain way in your past, doesn’t mean that the present or future partner will be the same. It’s going to sound obvious, but people are very different so you simply can’t assume anything negative about that guy just because the previous guys cheated.

    Since, he is getting fed up with this, it’s essential that you open up and tell him that you need his help in dealing with this. Acknowledge that you have a problem, and voice your commitment to working on it. It will take more than one day or one conversation, but with his support and with him knowing where you are coming from, this is one issue you should be able to overcome if you are as in love as you say you are. And remember the old saying – the best leash is the loose one. I say – the best leash is not having one at all.

  • AJ

    Thank you for your reply. It helps to know that I'm not the only one who suffers with this – and that you haven't just written me off as being a total nut case! I'm going to remember that people spend time with me because they choose to, so I can't be too bad. And that every time I have a good response, when I could have been jealous, I'll probably have a bad response another time, but this is just part of my progress 🙂

  • practicalhappiness.c

    Of course. It's a process. You can't expect to read one article, to have a conversation with a friend and change overnight. One of the important steps in adopting the new, non-jealous you, is remember that it's a gradual process. Also, accepting that no matter how much reassurance you get – theoretically anything can happen between the two people (that's just the nature of things) and realizing that it's just the nature of things will be very helpful.

  • AJ

    Really good post everyone – I can relate to most of this. However I think I go one step further. This is totally irrational but I get jealous if my partner even goes out with friends, as I see it as him preferring to be with them. Part of this stems from the fact that he's not very talkative with me – I'd really love to chat to him about work, hobbies etc. but he says he doesn't like to talk about work and what he likes about being with me is that he doesn't have to make the effort to talk as he feels relaxed!! I think what bothers me so much is that he won't make an effort to chat with me, yet he actually chooses to go out with other people when he has to chat!

    He told me that he struggles to feel comfortable with women yet he used to have a female friend he'd go for coffee with.

    Part of my problem is my partner's less than talkative nature and it makes me feel lonely at times – especially as I moved 200 miles to be with him and my family are miles away. But I know I've had this jealousy problem in other relationships and it is destructive!

    I know I am insecure – yes I have abandonment issues from my childhood, but who doesn't. I just need to work out a way of dealing with this as it makes me feel sick to my stomach and I can't function in my daily life.

    Maybe I should try hypnotism or something :(. Anyone else been as bad as me?

  • Grace

    as much as i would like to say that i can easily follow these steps , i dont know if i have enough self control to make myself believe these things. even the smallest things in my relationship can throw me into a fit of jealousy & i act like a different person. deep down i dont want to act like this but i feel like i can never get over it. i keep bothering my boyfriend to keep reassuring me he would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship but that just causes fights and negative emotions. any advice? im suffering 🙁

  • I would like some input…I am a "young" 61 year old widow of 7 yrs who began dating last year and became involved with a retired, divorced man 4 years older.

    He has been divorced for 15 years and in several relationships since then..

    We are attracted to each other and have started living together….I believe I am more romantically, emotionally involved than him—he wants a relationship too, but taking it more slowly…as roommates, partners first. I am having a difficult time

    accepting his "woman friendships"—he has dated a lot over the years and has many women friends (who he says are just friends no emotional or physical attachements). It seems crazy I am jealous of his past and his current friendships…any advice?

    I dont want to drive him away and at the same time I dont want to be hurt. He seems to be honest about his "friends" but I dont know how they still feel about him. I would appreciate any comments that would help me get over the emotional ups and downs and my suspicions and try to become more confident.

  • Marie

    ok so i get the whole admit and accept step. but everyone says that about every problem. i’m so desperate to get rid of this jealousy! it’s a generational curse over my family and i’m sick of it! i know who i am, my qualities, weaknesses, strengths.. but i can’t stand that there are women who won’t respect my relationship. by partner is attractive and very charasmatic which pulls them to him. i know he won’t try anything but the thought of them trying anything kills my mind! help!

  • miki

    Hi
    I have been with my boyfriend for almost 10 years and we are both jealous people. however, over 2 years ago he cheated on me and i have not managed to fully get over it. this makes me very untrusting to the point that i will sneak around and look for signs of him cheating again. by this i mean, snooping in his phone when he is sleeping or in the shower. he doesnt let me see his phone otherwise.
    more recently, i snooped and come across a number of emails between him and his best friend (who is a girl) where he mentions that he sees another girl from time to time….. and she drives him crazy with her body….his friend (who also hates me) tries to tease out more info and make it sound like he is sleeping with this other person but he dismisses her theory and changes the subject to another HOT CHICK that he saw checking him out. there is no actual evidence where he specifies that he has actually done anything with this person or any other in the emails. however, i am freaking out and can not confront him. does that warrant me being jealous and untrusitng and insecure. i am trying to convince my self that it is all in my head and that i am being paranoid….. or am i….. help… i am losing my mind!!!

  • Pam

    I am not sure if I am being possessive or I am right in being so jealous. My boyfriend and I had been in a long-distance relationship for 2 years. During that period, we were absolutely fine. I never cared what he did or where he went when I wasn't around.

    Then we got back together. I started noticing how he had made numerous female friends in the past 2 years. Also, he had become addicted to social networking sites, checking out random females profile/photos etc. Though I was bothered, I didn't react.

    But after a few months, I realized he had been flirting over phone to a female for quite some time. I was shocked. It was devastating to imagine him doing something that would hurt me.

    He apologized to me and convinced me to believe him. But since then, I have lost my trust in him. I doubt every action of his. I have become extremely possessive.

    And I am not sure if my behavior is justified.

  • practicalhappiness.c

    A very interesting problem and the one that's important to resolve. I believe one of the keys to handling this is that you have to stop comparing yourself to him. Well, at least when it comes to rock climbing. Who said that you should be as strong and as fast as a guy who is built differently and who is naturally physically more capable than you? Perhaps you should consider being proud of your differences.
    Without knowing much about you or him, I am pretty sure that there are things that you are much better at than he is, some of which you might not be aware of. You have to keep in mind that relationship is about partnership and not competition.
    Most importantly – he is devoted to you, so he must have reasons to want to be with you, and that's what counts most. There are qualities that he sees in you that make it worth it for him to be with you.

  • A.J

    I have a bit of a unique twist to this jealousy issue. My boyfriend and I are both in our first relationship and both come from families with issues. Before I met him, I didn't even think love really existed, just weird obsessions that ended badly.

    Anyway, I am not jealous of him when it comes to other girls. He is completely devoted and I trust him to every degree. We have been together 2 years and he still adores the ground I walk on.

    Often times though, I feel like he is too good for me. My jealousy stems from the fact that he is so good at everything that I feel inadequate. It is also important for me that we treat each other as equals. By that I mean that I am the sort of female who does not want to be stuck doing household chores. He understands that and we do manual labor (which I enjoy) together. However, I still always feel like I'm just helping him, i.e. holding the flashlight while he fixes the car. This makes me angry. It's just because he's strong and experienced but I still don't like it. We've talked about it. But my insecurities won't go away.

    I become most jealous when we rock climb because his skills make me feel insecure and horrible. For 2 years we used to never argue. This May we did almost every day. I am conscious of the fact that I started the little tiffs with my jealousy. Each one always ends in me crying and him comforting me. We tell each other everything so he knows that I am jealous and trying to change.

    I just can't get a handle of it though. Now that I have graduated from college and he still has one more year, I am becoming jealous of him having fun without me. We were a very tame couple, usually opting to stay home and cook or watch a movie rather than party. Now though, I worry about him going out and doing fun things wihtout me. I'm not worried about girls, just him existing without me.

    I know it's irrational and that I've developed an unhealthy attachment to him. How do I fix this without letting my feelings drive us apart? I love him very much.

  • practicalhappiness.c

    Great question. A small degree of jealousy shows care and concern. It's flattering to us when are partner is protective of our relationship. As long as this is done in moderation and doesn't turn into arguments and fights, it can actually make you feel more special and important to the one who shows those more subtle signs of jealousy. For example, if the woman asks you where you were and acts slightly suspicious, it's normal and it should tell you that you are just not another guy to her, but of course if she hires investigators or follows you at odd hours of the days or hacks into your e-mail – that's goes far beyond the acceptable. This is just one example to illustrate.

  • jv

    Some one help! I am at a point in my relationship that i think i have ruined it with my jealousy and insecurities! I am at the place where I realize the problem is within myself. My partner has often suggested that I have a problem and I have just never really looked at myself until now. I know she is the perfect person for me and I want to do what i can to salvage our relationship. Here's the situation…we got involved with each other and she ended a 10 yr relationship that had been struggling for years due to the other's infidelity and my partner has lots of unresolved insecurities over it. The other person did not want to end it but it did and moved 12 hours away. My partner has carried feelings of guilt and feels like she abandoned the situation. Since their breakup they have continued frequent contact via text and emails including many i love yous and miss yous. She has also gone 5 times to visit this person and has not allowed me to go either time stating that she just didn't think it would be a good situation for any involved. When she goes it just puts me into a tailspin. She has left me 3 times stating that she need her space and some time to get herself together. Currently she is about to leave again in a few days, this time her reason is because i am insanely jealous and don't understand that her ex and her are just friends. i have asked repeatedly for an appropriate time and space between the two of them so that our relationship can grow. This other person has always overshadowed our relationship from day 1. She repeatedly tells me that she is here because of me and if she wanted to go, she would have made the move with her ex bc the opportunity has been there. Am i just over the top on this? I really want to let all of this go and not continue to ruin what i know has the potential to be a wonderful thing. Please help!

  • Lex

    I need help, my jealousy issues are taking a serious toll on my marriage. My husband and I are both active duty military and for the last year and a half we have been stationed apart. We both have children from previous relationships, and my daughter lives with us (when we live together) He has been a big part of her life from the time she was an infant (she is now 4). This is what frightens me the most of our marriage falling apart, not only that i feel like i cant live without him, but that she loves him as well.

    But onto my jealousy issues. My husband just returned from a deployment in Nov 2009, and in January 2010 I happend to go online and look at our phone bill and there were probably 1,000 text messages and phone calls to another woman dating back to when he returned from deployment. Come to find out she was also active duty military and they were deployed together, after i "FLIPPED OUT" on him and also called the woman they both assured me that there was nothing to worry about, I made my husband change his phone number and told him if I saw her number on our bill even once i would file for divorce. Since then I have not seen her number, but I fequently check the phone bill. I have convenced my self that he did not sleep with her because that is what he told me, but in my gut I have a hard time believing that. So now he has a friend who is a female who he rarely talks to, maybe once a week and I saw on the bill that they had 20 or so messages back and fourth the other day and he deleted them from his phone. Last night we argued about it and he said he deleted them because he didnt want me to over react. And I am over reacting because if he deleted them he must be hiding something. (I just got stationed with him finally) How can I loose the feelings of jealousy and just feel more care free because when I talk to him about it he acts like I am crazy. Which I am a little bit but I just cant get myself to trust him even though it may be nothing but a friendship!

    HELP!

  • f.m.jealous woman

    well…i admit im a jealous person…but a really jealous person…im trying to stop being so jealous but it is on my mind…well this is the story between my man and me…it started when he and i started talking to know each other…and he once talked about his boss..that she had a nice body..and once his boss was with her daughter he once said "sometimes moms are better than daughters"…well that time it did not affected me because i did not like him…well time past…and now i love that man…i love him so much…he has everthing i have been looking for in a man….but my jealousy is making me bad and him away…i cant stand him being next to her..(she is married by the way supposibly happily married)…everytime she gets near him i get so jealous…but my boyfriend always says its all about work…but i cant stand it…in my mind are my bf words and also what his boss told him once…(she once comment him how strong he was)…once i see them i imagine them together…i just cant stand it…but i love my boyfriend a lot and i wish i find help to stop being jealous…this article is a start off…thanks

    P.S. by the way my boyfriend and friends as me why im so jealous of him…they say that because he is older than me for 20 years..and they always tell me not to worry because im young and i can find someone fast…i do not know what to do..

  • alex

    good post!

    but would you say that some jealousy is good jealousy?

  • Blondee

    Thank you so much for this article! I am in my 30s and dating an amazing guy who I love with all my heart. This is the most healthy relationship I have ever been in. I feel secure in the fact that he loves me just as much. We have both been cheated on in previous relationships and have talked about this to great lengths and with him I am learning to trust again. Yet I have abandonment issues from childhood that come up often and make me feel clingy (although I try not to let him see this to the extent it really is). I tend to be an open book. He always knows what I am doing. I would never give him any reason to worry. He is pretty good about doing the same, but ever so often he will mention something he did “the other night” and that feeling triggers inside me. Or when he gets a phone call or text, he never offers who it is. He might text for an hour or so w/o ever mentioning who it is. Yet, I either offer up who I am talking to, or he makes a casual comment like “that must be your mom,” or something of that nature and I end up telling him who it is. I know he has issues with feeling “controlled” so I try not to ask. Then there’s Facebook. This has turned into a relationship nightmare! I know he is very private, but it irritates me that he doesnt have a status listed. In my opinion, he looks single on there. He has probably 100-200 pics posted but the only pics he has of me are either buried way deep in an album (2 of them) or ones that I have tagged of us. I know he is a total flirt but so am I. I have guy friends and it doesnt seem to bother him. I still talk to a couple of my exes on occasion even. I want to be secure enough to not worry about what he does. How does one get that feeling? If it’s not something that comes natural, how do you achieve that level of security? I guess the thing that bothers me the most is that I feel like he is sort of sneaky about it. Like he deletes nearly everything that is posted on his FB page. I have started to feel like a FB stalker! I hate it. I know that I am sabatoging a really great relationship. In my heart I know that it doesnt matter what his FB status is or whether he talks to another girl, I am the one he loves and is CHOOSING to be with. I know that these are my issues, my insecurities. I need to work on myself and building my self-esteem. I am exercising on a regular basis and doing things to make me feel good. I understand the reality of the situation. I know that my jealousy and possessiveness are going to push him away from me. I just want these feelings to go away. Sorry for the long post. Guess I needed a place to vent so I can try not to take it out on him and ruin such a great thing I have going.

  • anon

    I have jealousy issues that i know i need to overcome. My boyfriend is still friends with his ex and they still txt. I found this hard to deal with but am slowly understanding they are just friends until today i saw a text from her just with an "xo" at the end which was enough to upset me. Also, I read a text lastnight from him to a "friend" saying he wanted sex. I confronted him, quite angrily, and he recognised it hurt me though stated he didnt mean sex with her which is still confusing to me..anyway he appologised and we have stopped the fighting now however it is still killing me on the inside. I dont want to bring it up again as he just gets angry and i get angry and upset but im not sure how to overcome it. He says he feels like he cant do anything anymore (talk / be friends with other girls) and I dont want him to feel like this but at the same time im not sure how to deal with it. any suggestions?

  • Kariann

    Is it possible sometimes that people do step over a line that makes their partners uncomfortable? I guess I’m extremely loyal because i find some behaviors unacceptable and just flat out disrespectful.

  • practicalhappiness.c

    Well, he must be an attractive man. He has no control over how other women respond to him so you shouldn't hold it against him and mere courtesy of looking back shouldn't be perceived as something bad. Remember, showing your concern without any real reason, will only make you come across as insecure and less attractive, thereby pushing him away.

  • Kariann

    When my boyfriend of five years and I go out with our two children we always fight about my jealousy problem.I get really upset when he will look at another female to the point she smiles back and they keep staring at each other.He has never went over and talked to another woman but I still feel humilated.Women are always checking him out and trying to get his attention and he gives it to them even in front of me.I never know if hes crossing a line or its me ….. help!

  • CAT

    Jealousy has a bad reputation. Yet in fact jealousy in marriage has its roots in the exclusive commitment that marriage is founded on. Jealousy is a reaction to a perceived threat — real or imagined — to a valued relationship or to its quality.

    People often assume jealousy is a negative characteristic and a personality flaw that stems from insecurity. This is not necessarily the case, in fact in healthy doses, jealousy can rekindle the passion in a dormant relationship. It is important to note that there are many different types of jealousy and jealousy does not necessarily relate simply to sexual behavior, but to such things as a loss of closeness. Like other difficult emotional experiences, jealousy can be a trigger for growth, increased self-awareness, and greater understanding of both your partner and your relationship. After all, relationships need some spark in order to last. "Jealousy is a necessary and formidable weapon in our armory of love that ought to be utilized to keep people together. What's more – you have a right to feel jealous when warranted by your partner's actions". When we fear our husband or wife's attention is somewhere other than on our own relationship, alarm bells ring for us. We may be feeling ignored, hurt and threatened, fearful that our precious relationship is going to fall apart. The jealous person may feel a sense of heightened awareness. They may be seeing warning signs that all is not well and action needs to be taken.

  • Amelia

    Wow, thanks so much for this. I have recently developed jealous tendencies and am not very happy with myself.

    My boyfriend and I have been smooth sailing now for over a year and a half and everything is perfect. I've never had to deal with any type of jealousy before but now its swarming me and I'm feeling quite lost and displeased.

    This article helped, I know that jealousy is a waste of my energy but it's so hard to dilute.

    Reading your article encourages me to stray away from this horrible emotion, But, boy is it tough to deal with.

    Thank you again.

  • john

    Thanks for the article, really enjoyed it and a eye opener for me. I had a relationship that I wanted. But, things did not go well into the relationship due to a lot of different circumstances, time, work, etc. and most of all when we had heated discussions, we never went back to it to “finish” what we started, which caused a lot of stress between us.

    My question is, I know that I have to recognize that I am a jealous person, but what do I do to “mend” this jealousy with her? How do I explain with confidence, without being an insecure person, which I think I have already demonstrated to her, that I do not want to be like that person or want to improve? Which direction do I take this and how will she perceive me?

  • practicalhappiness.c

    Hi, John. That's a very good question. If you have decided to come forward and talk abut it, it's certainly worth trying. Of course, it's not guaranteed that she will be willing to listen and that she will believe that you truly want to or can change, but it's certainly a possibility.

    The way to not come across as insecure is to make sure you bring it up the right way. Don't be dramatic, don't beg for forgiveness but exhibit maturity and strength through your approach. Coming up to her and telling her that you have been doing quite a bit of thinking about your jealousy, you recognize that you have a problem and you really want and plan to work on it, while knowing that it will not be an overnight change is a good idea.

    And, as they say, the good thing about being at the bottom is that you can't fall any lower. From here forward – there is only one direction to go – up. Perhaps, openly admitting your problem of jealousy will be a sign of great strength as far as that woman is concerned….

  • Jealous Girl

    Sorry, so is my fault to be jealous & control over him if he has lied to me for more than 5 times? And every wanted to leave me because of my jealousy.

  • practicalhappiness.c

    That's a tough one. If someone lies to you that many times, you have to ask yourself whether you are willing and ready to forgive and whether you are able to move on. Trusting someone after repeated violations of trust might be impossible.

  • Sally

    This article was helpful I feel alot of the same ways.. I don’t know why I feel the way I do at times, like I know I have nothing to worry about yet I constantly do, I assume alot and it pisses him off to the point he shuts me out, we are in a long distant dating but been intimate before, known him for over 5 years, but also I feel like since I can’t see him I dunno what’s really going on now… Like, I ask alot if he would go back to his ex girlfriend he had years ago, he says no, but I’m jealous of it because I feel like they had something better, like I don’t feel good enough. What should I do?

  • Jealous Girl

    Yes man! Is a big eye opener for me. Im a very jealous type of girl. I dun even let him go out with his friends. Cause he have lied to me 5 – 6 times about girls….

  • practicalhappiness.c

    Hi, Sally. The most important thing you can and should do is to realize and truly accept that there is no way for you to know what's going on if you are away, so why even bother and stress about it. Assuming that best unless and until you have reasons to believe otherwise is the only way to go under these circumstances.

  • practicalhappiness.c

    Hi, Allison.

    I am going to refer to the article above and emphasize the part about being ready for losing your partner. This doesn't mean you have to be pessimistic about your relationship or expect it to end, but knowing that even if things don't work out, it's not going to be the end of the word and you will be able to overcome it and being ready for it will help you abandon that fear of loss that makes your nervous now and which makes you act jealous. Thanks.

  • Allison

    Great article. My situation is much the same, but with a twist. I would love any insight. First of all, I recognize that I have always been a jealous person. I don't know why, it just seems to be a part of me. I do try to make a conscious effort to not be jealous, especially when I know that I have no grounds for it. I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year. He has a 4 year old daughter who he has about half the time, and who is a pleasure to be around. She and I have a great relationship and I consider her to be a "pro" on my list of pros and cons about our relationship. The baggage, of course, is her mom. I am very insecure about my bf's relationship with his ex girlfriend, especially since they were still sleeping together long after they broke up (when the baby was about 6 months old). I know that they used to argue often and that she is very hard to get along with, so he goes out of his way to be nice to her to avoid conflict. I respect that. However, today I don't know what prompted me, but I looked at his cell phone (which I have never done before). I saw texts between the two of them, some just about their schedule with their daughter, etc., but also some that to me were flirtatious. For instance he said "ur the best" in response to something about clothes for their daughter. Unfortunately the inbox was mostly empty, but I could see all of the ones from him to her. I felt sick to my stomach about it. I was getting ready for work and he was still sleeping so I left him a note admitting that I looked at his phone and that the texts between he and his ex seemed pretty friendly to me. Of course I was mad so I said "are you two still screwing, too?" which was probably out of line. I'm sure he was mad when he saw it because I got a text later that just said "nope", then he went on to say that he doesn't need to defend himself, he doesn't have anything to hide. I do believe him, but their relationship makes me extremely nervous, especially since women can be so manipulative. Also, I know that his ex is jealous of me (we've never met) because she's made comments before about me to him when their daughter has come home and talked about me.

    I guess I don't know how to get over this, because I know that she has to be in his life for the rest of it and there is nothing I can do about that. It is also intimidating that they have a child together, which is a bond that only those two can have, no matter how much he feels for me, she is still the mother of his child. Can I overcome this jealousy?

  • Deeha

    This is an amazing post. I just hope i’m able to overcome my jealousy. My fiance is a gem of a person and my jealous habits have only made matters worse for both of us. He has never cheated on me but i fear it would be devastating if he ever did. How do i get rid of this fear? Ive tried to indulge myself in other activities but whenever he’s out, i can’t stop thinking what he’s up to. I always see the worst in him. I don’t want to get hurt, thats my excuse for being jealous.

  • Patti

    I am jealous but I wasn't until my boyfriend did somethings that made me feel insecure and not worthy. He didn't even do anything bad (like cheating) however, it still made me insecure and jealous. I am trying to rebuild my security.

  • Dave

    I realize now that my jealousy is the result of my own insecurities. I really need to work on this because I'm scared that my jealousy with ruin my relationship with my girlfriend. She's an amazing person and is one of the nicest people I have ever met in my life by far. Deep down I know that she would never cheat on me but there's this stupid nagging doubt inside of me that says that she's going to find someone better down the road and either cheat, or cast me aside. I have pretty low self esteem but I'm good at hiding it. On the outside I appear laid-back but on the inside I'm apprehensive and jealous. Because my girlfriend is so nice, she has alot of friends, many of which are guys which I can't stand her hanging around. A typical conversation will involve her saying something innocent like, "I think I'll go running with my friend John today" to which I nicely smile and say "Really? Sounds like a good plan!" but on the inside I get a flare of annoyance and imagine her joking with John and slowly falling in love with him while totally forgetting about me. Everyday I have little daydream scenarios in my mind where she tells me that she cheated on me and I imagine how I would respond. I don't know how to talk about this with her without it sounding like I'm accusing her of cheating but at the same time it's eating me up. I know it's totally immature and ridiculous but I just can't help it and I fear that eventually I'm going to blow up on her out of nowhere and ruin our relationship anyway….

  • sarah

    Thanks heaps for the advice! jealousy certainly doesnt help, i have just been left by my boyfriend because he felt like he couldnt go out and be him self because i would get hurt. I have the jealousy trait and i want to get rid of it asap

  • Unkown

    hello everybody ,,,

    i have this problem in my relationship with my older woman, i love her so much ,, but she's too jealous, and she can not accept and deal with my past and with any girl even if she know her,, she let me feel that she's kind of upset.

    every time, that kind of subjects turn into fight and i can say a big fight who will stay for couple days. i was so honest with her and i answered honestly all the questions she asked me,, but because her behavior, i don't think that i will answer honestly that kind of questions just to overpass a fight.

    i know how she feel, i know that she don't wanna loose me, specially to another woman or girl, i know its hard for her to think that way, but i always told her , when she feel that way she can answer herself by remembering me, the real me that she knew and she felt in love with.

    how can deal with this problem once for all? i know that jealousy's good sometimes,it shows you that your other half cares for you, but…

    i will be able to accept any comment from anyone and i wish that someone will answer me and to give me his opinion

    thank you all.

  • jordan

    when i am in a calm mood, i can see how stupid i am being when i accuse my girlfriend of cheating or wrong doing. before anyone says its my fault i get over the top or whatever, i suffer from severe depression also, which triggers anger aswell at any moment of time. im not after sympothy or anything like that, however if someone posts something to my girlfriends facebook, which anyone else wont think twice about, i go in to a massive state about it, and accuse her. only when i have calmed down after a couple of days away from her, i realise what i said was wrong. does anybody know if there is some anti-depressents or something like that to not cure but help me so i dont loose the one i love for good. sometimes, i should count myself lucky she has come back to me, (i have done this for a long long time now) but when im angry, i cant help it. this article will hopefully make me stop and think about what i am doing and hopefully help me. thanks for posting this, it has helped me already i can sense it.

  • Ginny

    I really enjoyed your article. I started Google searching “overcome jealousy” right after I logged onto my laptop and realized that my boyfriend was still logged into his Facebook page. After taking a gander at his inbox I read an email between one of his best friends basically saying that a mutual friend hadn’t deleted him from her list and he wrote back and told his friend that he didn’t delete her either and that it was probably due to a jealous girlfriend.
    Which is true. I had deleted her a while ago when he had stayed logged in on my laptop. She was an ex that he dated for a while until she dumped him then shortly after that break-up he started dating me. Then when we’re experiencing a rough patch in our relationship financially-which is affecting us emotionally-she randomly showed up in his life again.
    So, the reason for me writing was because I had a couple of questions. Basically, I think that I know that I’ve got a problem…since I started researching it on the internet. You had mentioned jealousy and its relationship with insecurities and distrust and lack of self-worth.
    I guess I was interested in knowing if you think jealousy causes these issues or if it’s possible that dealing with these issues causes jealousy. I didn’t think that I was a jealous person. But a year and a half ago he cheated on me. I don’t think that I really sought out the help I needed to mentally and emotionally get over it even though I knew that I wanted us to work it out. So that caused a lot of self-consciousness, not knowing why he would pick to do that with someone and what tells me that it’s not going to happen again and not knowing why he thought that it was something that he wouldn’t have desire to do again. I also have a baby with whom I gained 65 pounds and haven’t lost it-so that is another insecurity all on top of the fact that for as long as we’ve been together he doesn’t say I love you. Which I know is something stupid to let bother you but when you take all of them and roll them into one big anxiety it starts to overwhelm you.
    Is jealousy something that I acquired due to my own stressors and outside ones as well?
    Are there other websites or books that I can read to figure out how to deal with it and how to make things that make me feel insecure (like not saying I love you) not such a big deal?

  • practicalhappiness.c

    Hi, Ginny. I am glad you found the article to be useful.

    Your situation sounds in some ways common and in others quite unique. Let's talk about the unique parts which are the fact that you were cheated on and the fact that you gained weight.

    I believe there are two additional keys to resolving your jealousy issues beyond the ones that are mentioned in the article that apply to you as well.

    1. You should be open about your jealousy issues with your partner. This doesn't mean you have to fight or argue over every incident or spy on him. Instead, seek out his help. Be open about the fact that the cheating bothers you and it will take you some time to get over it. Explain and try to have him understand that it's only expected that you will be suspicious of him after what happened. Lost trust cannot be regained overnight and it takes time.

    2. With regard to weight issue – taking the hard route might be the best option, which means trying to lose weight whatever it takes. You are not going to feel about yourself as good as you used to as long as you carry that excess weight no matter how many people will tell you that you look great, and that it only matters what's inside. You know the truth and you know that this is not the case. Hard work and losing weight will necessarily pay off in both how you perceive yourself and how others perceive you.

    Thanks.

  • A

    Thanks. It is pointless, but it is also irrational which I find really hard to beat even though I am a very logical person. This article says exactly how I feel and I know I have to stop being jealous and insecure else I will lose the woman that I love! Thanks 🙂

  • Sohan

    Thanks for the article, it is very practical and valuable. I need to overcome my over possessiveness about my wife. These steps would help me.

  • admin

    Thanks, Milly. Overcoming jealousy is a process. The article above, as you read, gives some basic but practical steps toward abandoning jealousy. The main thing to keep in mind at all times is that jealousy will not do any good to any relationship so above all – it's pointless.

  • millie

    i liked your post on jealousy…im married and have 3 kids….and cant seem to raise my self worth enough to stop being jealous. my husband gets mad at me for it….but i dont do it intentionally…its just there. i hate it too but i dont know how to get rid of it….i just feel stuck.

  • Anonymous

    Thank you so much for this post. I will do my best to not ber jealous