Men’s tendency to cheat is one of the most common and the most painful and common issues that women have with men. While some women can recount numerous relationships during which they found out that their partner was cheating on them, others are afraid that their current lover will betray their trust and have an affair at one point or another.
It is unrealistic to believe that there is a way to fully protect and “insure” yourself from being cheated on, but I strongly believe that understanding the reasons behind this common sexual behavior of a typical, modern man in a western society is important for at least two reasons: (1) it will decrease the probability that you will be cheated on by the guy that you are dating; and (2) it will help you, as a woman, handle yourself and the situation much better if your current or future partner does end up having an affair.
Here are the top three reasons why men cheat:
1. The first and by far the most common reason why men cheat has nothing to do with the woman that they are cheating on, but it has to do with who these men are and what they desire at that point in their life. Most men are driven by a powerful natural force to seek novelty and variety when it comes to sexual partners. There is more to that drive than just seeking pleasure; desire to be liked and attract women is one of the most significant ways through which men are able to validate their masculinity and sense of self worth. This has always been, is, and will always be at the core of male nature among humans and many other living beings. For some men this stage of life is short, and by late 20’s or early 30’s they “snap” out of it, while other men continue to “play” for much longer or even for the rest of their active lives. Some men “settle down” or marry while continue to have this urge to have new and multiple sexual partners and many of them act on it. Thus, no matter how wonderful their girlfriend or wife is going to be, they will not stop pursuing new interactions with women and new sexual experiences. Nothing will replace the excitement of, and the satisfaction from, having new experiences with new female partners, and it would be pointless to try to change such a guy. After all, it is not in a woman’s power to change a man’s nature.
2. The second reason is painfully simple but surprisingly common – many women are simply not good enough in bed to keep their partner sexually happy, excited and satisfied. They don’t know what they are doing with their bodies, hands and mouth. Few men will stick around and appreciate a woman who is a mediocre sex partner. I have seen many guys dump very beautiful women for that exact reason. Those women’s beauty was “neutralized” by their incompetence or their behavior during intimacy that chilled romance. A woman who ruins a special moment by saying something inappropriate or irrelevant or simply giggling during or right before sex will rarely get a second chance. Very few men will be blunt and open enough to criticize a woman’s performance in bed. Thus, it’s your duty to explore your sexuality, to be curious about men and gain that knowledge and skills which will make you a great lover.
3. Finally, some women unfortunately have nothing else to give but their beauty and sex. Men will lie about how much they like that woman in order to get sex from her, while others will be sincerely blinded by attraction and will truly believe that they want to get to know that woman even though all they are attracted to is her body. However, shortly after getting sex from that woman, these men will realize that there is nothing else that they want from her and they will be eager to get away from her as soon as possible.
Have you ever been cheated on before? If so, look back at the three big reasons above as to why men cheat and try to figure out what reasons drove that guy toward being with another woman. While it’s possible that you are just not meant to be together and whatever happened between the two of you is the neither your fault nor his, it’s possible that one of the above three reasons for cheating applies to your dating situation.
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“Have you ever been cheated on before? If so, look back at the three big reasons above as to why men cheat and try to figure out what reasons drove that guy toward being with another woman.”
Are you kidding me? So now it’s the woman’s fault that a man cheated. “reasons that drove that guys?” Talk about adding insult to injury.
The reasons a man cheats according to a WOMAN:
1. He doesn’t have morals
2. Has no respect for women
3. Is a womanizer
and FINALLY
4. Our grandmothers and mother have told us, MEN ARE DOGS!
and they will try to justify their immoralities by degrading and pointing the finger at a woman. The author acts as if women are to blame and there are not men out there who:
a. have small penises
b. suck in bed
c. or have a penis bigger than their brain or a brain bigger than their penis (either sucks)
d. half of them don’t know what they are doing with their mouth either
and western men are HIGHLY promiscuous. Everyone knows that. they don’t make good husbands or fathers in general.
Hi, Rita. You disagreement and anger are quite understand. I would never dare to blame women for the fact that men are not faithful very often.
Surely, there aren’t many great men (or women for that manner) who are great in every way. What I wanted to emphasize is that blaming and criticizing men for something so common as cheating is pointless. It doesn’t benefit men or women. But understanding the reasons behind promiscuity – and the main one of which for men is the desire for new sexual partners and for sexual variety – can be much more useful in dealing with it, avoiding it, or even forgiving it, if one so wishes.
Women cheat for other reasons – being on a rebound, having a horrible fight with their guy, low self esteem and lack of attention from the opposite sex, etc… but this seems to be not uncommon either.
Yeah. The article brings up points that resonate with my current situation. Over the past two years I’ve shared a mutual attraction with a married man with young children. He’s clearly unhappy in his marriage. He’s intimated that the intimacy (sex) is not what he wants it to be. I get the sense that he doesn’t get enough – which, to me, seems to be a legitimate gripe. It’s also possible his wife is not good in bed. Having visited many fidelity themed websites, it’s incredible how judgmental people are (read the previous post). It’s not so easy to get out of an unhappy marriage when young kids are involved. I’m in the process of divorcing a man who has very little interest in sex. Based on my experience, I know it’s not so easy to change a spouse’s attitude or behavior – that is, my husband is not going to be all of the sudden interested in sec no matter what I do. For all I know, my object of attraction is in a similar hopeless situation. Still, both of us consider ourselves ethical people. So we are at a stalemate. We both want to be together – there’s attraction, compatability and equally high sec drives. Don’t people deserve to happy? When a spouse doesn’t make an effort to meets the desires of their spouses, why should they be surprised when their spouse has an affair? This can’t all be explained by blanket statements: ALL MEN ARE DOGS! That does nothing to address that both men and women have ‘needs’ in marriages. SEX is a big one. The object of my attraction is a king, thoughtful, intelligent, ethical man. If we end up together, having an affair – I will have no regrets whatsoever. He’s a wonderful human being and we both deserve to be happy.
“When a spouse doesn’t make an effort to meets the desires of their spouses, why should they be surprised when their spouse has an affair?”
Because you’re spouses. If you weren’t serious about “till death do us part” then don’t get married. If you choose to marry then cheat, that’s up to you, but trying to spin it as “ethical” is ridiculous.
Dear all,
What about whenwe hae done our “home work” as needed as is mentioned above in the most good & perfekt way but he still NEEDS TO CHEAT. What to do in this case? Do I have to blame my selfe because I am not anymore so atractive while other men are still behind me.
If a MAN NEED TO CHEAT THIS IS HIS OWN DESIRE DOES NOT HAVE TO DO WITH US OR WIHT OUR AGE OR WHAT DO WE OFFER TO HIM.
THERE ARE OTHER MEN AROUND IS NOT ONLY HIM JUST LOOK FORWORD….
If a man is not sexually satisfied with his relationship, it is his responsibility to bring it to an end. Cheating is never justifiable, and it is ridiculous to try and blame a man’s weak sense of morality on the betrayed woman.
wat if i am doing everything i can to improve our sex life sometimes going for lessons, trying to implement new things, sacrificing to have sex with him even when i am so tired, it still comes back to me? Oh please, lets be realistic, i am also a human being, with feelings too.
Yeah… It’s complicated.
When men are younger or in power positions, they often just can’t say ” No.”
Like that song “Never make a pretty woman your wife”
Be careful when you chose a husband… Balance of power is important.
And, yeah… Young kids put a different spin on things.
Kind of sad he didn’t realize incompatibilities before becoming Daddy… Just saying, the stakes are way higher. Poor wife, drained by kids and now not able to be a sex goddess… hmmm. Convenient outlet for sex!
Rita yikes! Hell hath no fury.. I hope you didn’t have that attitude before your misfortune because then it would be easy to see why a man would want to find his balls again. I think there is a small percentage of men who lack all “morals” and fate is set the moment you get together with him. However, I think large percentage of men do it because they are fed up of never being enough and got the attention elsewhere. More than likely relationship had a garden variety of problems before his boat set sail. In fairness though I believe a man should of sent his wife packing before he decided to get his pleasure elsewhere. Bottom line men are more emotional then we think so even if it was a mistake you can bet he wished for that opportunity with every bone in his body.
I dont know what to do! I found out my husband was cheating on me last year and he told me it was over. I then had signs (I cant explain it) but i knew he was still doing it and confronted him again early part of this year. He confessed and said he didnt know why but he would stop and loved me and begged me to forgive him.
This has taken me months to get over and I was just starting to trust him again when I found a receipt that gave it away that he was still in touch with her. He denied it at first and then said he was feeling low about himself and doesnt know why he got back in touch. I am heart broken. I dont know what to do. We had this future mapped out a new move, a new start…..and he does this again.
I just dont know what to do…..please any advice. I know its hard to understand but i love him, he is my soul mate I have been married nearly 19 years and he is my world.
Please….help.
Lisa, I’ve been where you are at. The good news: You know and you don’t have to question whther he did it or not. You are worthy of better. You can choose to forigive him and go to a christian counselor or you can choose to leave. He may decide your willing to deal with his cheating. Ask him if he is willing to see a counselor. I truly believe that only God can change the situation if he wants to change.
OK I’ll admit it there may be ‘reasons that drive a man to cheat’ BUT… a REAL man discusses these “reasons” with his spouse BEFORE it gets to the point of him cheating (this applies to women just as much, I’m not letting cheating wives off the hook here!)
TALK to your spouse if you are unhappy within the marriage DON’T go looking for a cure outside of the marriage, that will never work. If you find yourself feeling that you ‘need’ to cheat …and btw I don’t agree it is a ‘need’ merely a ‘want’… and men, don’t be thinking that your wife has never thought of having another man (We have, but most of us take our wedding vows a little more seriously) having a better lover, you don’t really believe you’re ‘all that’ in the sack do you? LMAO … that “’til death do us part” and “for better and worse” MEANS something to most of us.
You really have just two options… IF you are a man or woman of honour and integrity… discuss whatever issues you may have within the marriage with your wife/husband and try to make it better… OR end the relationship. You don’t get to give yourself a third option of running around behind your spouses back and cheating just to get your rocks off! Of course you CAN give yourself that third option of cheating BUT if you do you can never consider yourself a man/woman of honour and integrity, what you you will be is a low life, cheating scumbag and you’ll get whatever you deserve.
Honestly, in my opinion I understand sometimes during a relationship a person may feel deprived of certain “needs”. If you are in a relationship though this can be discussed and addressed in a way that doesn’t involve cheating. I do not believe in cheating, nor do I believe in an excuse for doing so. I am a 23 year old woman and I am well educated and unlike the majority of women nowadays I do have morals, self esteem, and common courtesy. Under no circumstance should there EVER be blame put on the individual who did not commit the action of cheating. Cheating can simply be avoided by the action of ending the relationship. I am almost 100% positive that anyone would rather someone end the relationship rather then go through the mental and emotional aspect of being cheated on. I would like to quote the author of this post on a certain statement that was made which was:
“Most men are driven by a powerful natural force to seek novelty and variety when it comes to sexual partners. There is more to that drive than just seeking pleasure; desire to be liked and attract women is one of the most significant ways through which men are able to validate their masculinity and sense of self worth.”
It does not take a genius to figure out that this is completely insubstantial, and ignorant. Humans are highly evolved. Unlike animals or other species, humans attain the possibility to choose instead of just being guided by their instincts. Humans have the capability of understanding and feeling certain things such as guilt, empathy, sympathy, and compassion (which according to this article men apparently aren’t capable of these emotions). What is sad is that with our highly evolved brains (which have given the knowledge of technology to cure diseases and send man to the moon) you are telling me that man is incapable of simple reasoning? Something that even a dog can do? Men are not “driven by a powerful natural force to seek novelty and variety when it comes to sexual partners” they simply CHOOSE to do so. In that case it is their choice to cheat. It is not like the significant other is holding a gun to their head forcing them to do so.
In my opinion when a man cheats it has NOTHING to do with their partner, it is simply three simple human emotions that apparently men know oh so well which are:
1) Selfishness
2) Ignorance
3) Insecurity
To prove this theory that I have I will simply take certain excerpts from this topic and break them down:
1) Selfishness- “variety when it comes to sexual partners”. This can be proven to be selfishness in the fact that apparently men are not sympathizing or thinking about the possible effects that this action may have on their partner (whether it’s emotional, mental, or possibly even physical because there are STD’s) men are simply thinking of satisfying their needs and no further thought is put into the aftermath of that decision, because it will not just effect them it will effect that persons partner also. Oh, and lets not forget the statement “There is more to that drive than just seeking pleasure”. Really? There is a flaw in that because after that was written the following was written “desire to be liked and attract women” (which sounds like a type of seeking pleasure to me). Oh and being “able to validate their masculinity and sense of self worth.” Which also sounds like a way of seeking pleasure.
2) Ignorance- After reading this article (for any of those who individuals who actually have a brain)…..do I really need to explain why these explanations show ignorance?
3) Insecurity- “desire to be liked and attract women is one of the most significant ways through which men are able to validate their masculinity and sense of self worth.” If a man is confident and secure with himself then there isn’t the need to validate their masculinity, and a confident man that’s not insecure already has a sense of self worth because they are happy with themselves they don’t have to achieve that feeling from others.
If a man has to cheat to feel “masculine” or to have “self worth” then that has nothing to do with their partner. That is clearly an internal issue that they have with themselves, and maybe that person should seek some type of counseling or speak with a physician about possible explanations and maybe even medications. It sounds to me like this might be a type of self esteem issue, a void that wasn’t met in their life during early childhood, trust issues, depression, or maybe an attention deficit disorder. Men who cheat should be more self aware because it’s not their partner who is driving them into the arms of another person, it’s that “powerful natural force”. Which more than likely that “powerful natural force” isn’t natural in all mankind (it’s natural for men that cheat) because that “powerful natural force” is an internal issue with themselves! Which is validated by the fact that most individuals who have been cheated on have probably tried to do everything they could to please their partner (just like the post that was left by monica!). The reason it’s not good enough for them or pleasing them is because the problem isn’t their partner! Until they gain self esteem and confidence and learn to be happy with themselves, they are never going to be happy with anyone else!
men are untrustworthy never give your whole heart to any man
As a man I would have to point out that Women also cheat. and I have to agree with first response by Rita. Cheating is rearly caused by the partner cheated on. The cheeting partner wants to cheat because the have a flaw in their morals. A relationship requires two people to be comitted to each other wether they are just boyfriend/girlfriend or married. Never accept the lame excuse “it just happend” or “I did not plan to cheat on you”. The cheater is always the one who betrayed the trust. If one is not happy/satisfied or whatever they can always end the relationship.
Futhermore it has recently shown that women have overtaken men in the cheating department. So both sexes are as bad as each other in this matter.
A man also cheats when the woman has a past he cant accept, have seen this many times and also tried to fight this urges.. obviously its wrong to do tht and its always the cheaters fault when they cheat, coz lying is just being a coward..
you get what you sow…
Blame the one cheated on but not the cheater?? Yes, are you kidding me?
I’m with Rita. Her reasons are far more realistic and far more representative of this problem than the article’s twisted garbage. I also agree with Jodie and Believer, who both wrote with depth and substance. The cheater has a brain and a conscience, right? The cheater has a choice, right? And yet the cheater makes a choice to cheat!
It’s the same as blaming a rape victim for ‘asking for it’. Or excusing the rapist because he ‘couldn’t help himself’. WTH?!
Just as a rapist is a rapist, a cheater is a cheater.
Adultery is grounds for divorce, so it is legally wrong. If a husband is sued for divorce because of his adultery, let him try counter-suing his wife for being ‘lousy’ in bed and ‘causing’ him to cheat, and see what the courts will say! LOL! Blaming the wife/girlfriend can only come from an intellectually-challenged ignoramus!
To cheat is immoral, wrong and disrespectful to the partner. It’s just plain mean, wicked and sinful. The guy should have the balls to face up to the real problem – their relationship and/or communication – and sort things out there. If a guy does not have the maturity and the responsibility to solve problems together with his partner, then he is no better than a wild animal in heat. Why bother with dating or marrying people? Just stick to having his rocks off with animals so that he won’t cause pain and suffering to human beings.
Teaching these sordid ways of relating to others will prevent men and women from ever having happy, loving, fulfilling, healthy and emotionally satisfying relationships with each other. This sort of advice can even push people into turning to gay relationships, where they will also have the same unhealthy relationships if they do not address the real issues.
Cheating is a total cop-out and a sign of a weak, shallow, miserable SOB!
PracticalHappiness dude, I’ve just lost all respect for you! I expected better of you. You need to grow up! Or at least stop messing up readers’ minds with these little boys’ blame games!
This article is absolutely, totally, and grossly ignorant and ridiculous, as most of the commentators above have already stated. What a full load of crap. Whoever wrote this is obviously arrogant, misguided, or just an asshat. I can only finish this comment with saying, “seriously?!”
I understand that those needs are part of the human nature, but it seems to me that most people use it as an excuse for being sleazy (both men and women) and that is the one thing I find unacceptable.
Grow some balls and end the relationship you’re unhappy in, because otherwise, it’s just plain ridiculous.
I Totally agree with the Believer’s comments. Women feel bad enough that a man has cheated…..and we try to do everything better, including sex, after we forgive him, because we think we are not good enough in bed. I am soooo glad someone else admits that it is NOT because we are BAD in bed….because that is what I thought when mine cheated. It makes perfect sense to say they are insecure and just looking for confidence…and they are doing this by seeing how many women they can get….which somehow validates their self esteem.
My girlfriend cheated on me with her so-called “ex” boyfriend after about a year of living/being together. Twice. i had to piece it together by discovering a questionable text message. As it turns out, inappropriate communication had been going on almost the entire time I was with her.
Never have I felt so much pain in my life. I have insecurities with women that were amplified and then brought into my mind full force. It has been now about 6 months since the revelation.
But my first reaction was not to get angry or accuse or attack. I was simply hurt to the core of my being. Traumatized, in fact. When things began to settle down a bit, I began to look at myself and my contribution to the relationship falling short. I then shared my deep remorse with her for being less than loving, open, etc… Over some time, and with my heart now fully open to her, she began to feel deep remorse herself. And her remorse was essential to the success of my efforts to forgive.
I am glad to say that we are now deeply in love with each other. Communication is wide open, loving, compassionate, and fun. Mixed with true love, sex between us is unbelievable, like something I’ve always believed it could be. Our deep intimacy has made an impression on many of the people we know…..the higher vibrations of love can be felt by others….
But I am still feeling deep, deep pain at times. I feel like a trauma victim who has flashbacks. Little things can trigger me, and sometimes they don’t even seem to relate. What I would like to know is why does it seem to intensify for no reason, then go away, then come back maybe less intense, then disappear, and on and on and on. It’s a roller coaster ride that I want to get off of. I know it has only been six months, but when might I expect the painful thoughts and images to greatly subside? Has anyone had an experience with this?
I would greatly appreciate insight/comments/thoughts that any of you might offer.
Hello, and thank you for sharing your experience. It takes a lot of strength and maturity to handle things the way you did, and actually learn something form this negative experience about how you can be more attractive to your partner and what you can do better. Having “flashbacks” at times is totally normal. Most kinds of progress are associated with temporary set backs, so expect those incidents to continue, but with time they will fade away. You must let time do its work. If your mind and spirit found a way to forgive her initially, then surely this occasional pain at times is something that you will overcome. In your girl’s defense, cheating on you with an ex makes it more forgivable. Often, women need “closure” with their ex. Perhaps that’s what she needed, whether she admits it or not.
@Practicalhappiness:
Thank you for your response. I agree with all that you say with one exception: where you say “In your girl’s defense…”, I need to make a point. In order to take full responsibility, the cheater can hold no excuses, or defenses, in their mind. Cheating is an entirely inexcusable act and must be recognized as such. My girlfriend had a million different options for dealing with the difficulties in our relationship, and NONE of them involved secretly sleeping with an ex-boyfriend (who, by the way, treated her far worse in their brief relationship than I ever did).
What would have been wrong in being honest about the lack of closure in that relationship? What would have been wrong in telling me that this guy had been aggressively pursuing her in text messages? Or that she actually liked the attention she was getting?
Of course there would have been nothing wrong with it. In fact, that’s what she should have done because I could have at least had the information I needed to look at my own behavior, evaluate my investment in the relationship, and make the proper adjustments and choices concerning us. But I had no idea all of this was going on behind my back. Not a clue. And as such, I could do nothing about the devastation that was going to happen to me.
Would Be Cheaters: cheating hurts like you wouldn’t believe. If you’re feeling temptation, have the strength to admit it. Have the difficult conversations that might ensue. Your relationship will either grow stronger or be revealed for its weaknesses and you can then choose to move on.
For those who have been betrayed: it is possible to recover, and if your relationship had a true connection to begin with, sticking it out and working through the pain has a tremendous reward – your relationship deepens in closeness and intimacy beyond imagination. But realize this as you forgive – although it may appear that they caused your pain, the truth is, you are causing yourself pain. You have to recognize this or you will forever be a victim, unable to find your own inner happiness and peace. Whether you stay in the relationship or not, make this difficult realization, forgive, and regain the control over your own happiness that you thought was taken away from you.
Hi, Derek. You are right. Apology isn’t worth much if it’s coupled with defensiveness and excuses. What I meant to say is that there is ALWAYS a reason for cheating, however bad and inexcusable it is. From incredible attraction, to doing something taboo, craving variety, not feeling loved by your partner etc… This doesn’t justify but partially explain the actions.
Cheating is very, very common. Judging it without trying understand something so common won’t help us, but trying to figure out what motivates it at least in some cases will be very helpful.
Thanks for the clarification. And I agree that understanding the motivation is helpful and perhaps necessary.
For anyone who reads this and is struggling, the absolute best book about it is titled “Not Just Friends” by Dr. Shirley Glass. It was very, very helpful to me as I went through the pain.
Stay well, everyone
Most of the respondents misinterpreted the article as a justification of cheating, rather than an illucidation of the phenomenon. Furthermore, they fused the reasons for cheating, as if points 2 and 3 led to 1. The male may have only reason 1, that is, he may cheat on a great partner with inferior partners, which does not work with FoM (female-on-male) cheating. Also, a man can cheat with women who are more attractive in their personality, not their bodies, but this is a “top three” article, isn’t it? I think the author should post extended disclaimers, unless he enjoys the backlash.
The women here see cheating men as amoral, and it is true that utterly amoral prehistoric men who raided villages and raped hundreds of women were reproductively successful, so it’s no wonder that amorality is around. But cheating men can have normal morals in all ways other than cheating. Unless we fall into the trap of thinking that every drop of energy in a man’s life must be subjugated to an arbitrary woman, or that selfishness has no place in a healthy relationship, it’s possible to see how a cheating man can respect his mate.
A man can fertilize multiple women at the same time. He can have constant relationships with some, and he can treat others as hos. But a woman cannot be fertilized by multiple men at the same time. There are plenty of supersexy bastards that women know will not provide support, that women know will never be faithful, but women lay them anyway. Then they go back to more reliable guys to be GF or wife.
Some societies sanction polygamy with multiple wives because it works (when hordes of men die prematurely, it’s either that or having hordes of women die with their virginity intact). Women with multiple husbands exist, but they are rarer than serial killers or blond asians. A case of FoM cheating means that she rejects the baby of her partner and asks him to raise another man’s child. Cheated men often feel like they may as well drop dead, because they have just been told that their DNA is useless. As I heard on TV once, “when a guy cheats, it’s ‘cuz he’s looking for some hot action, but when a girl cheats, then it’s something much deeper than that.”
Meanwhile in MoF cheating, the worst that happens to a woman is that her partner might start spreading his resources to other women. Of course, it is advantageous for women to prevent this, preferably by blocking cheating completely. This is why women’s reactions to cheating are more “how dare you, ya son of a bitch!” than “oh the agony.” Physical access may take up some of the male’s available resources, but continuous support for other females requires emotional investment, which is why men tolerate emotional infidelity more easily than women.
Some of these comments are crazy. Cheating sucks, and anyone who cheats sucks. To cheat on someone you have to not really care about them or their feelings at all. It’s the most extreme way to break someone’s trust. For those who have been cheated on, you may forgive them, but you will never be able to trust them again. There are to many other wonderful people out there who will treat you amazingly and care for you. I’m a hot guy, been with my girl since 2004 and never cheated. I’ve had multiple opportunitys, especially in my college years, but didn’t. Any dude who gives you ladies an excuse for cheating is a pea-brained horndog. If a guy is really craving some attention and your not in the mood… Get him a fleshlight or he can watch porn. There is no excuse for cheating. You ladies can do better than these idiots who make all us guys look like scum. Have some respect for yourself, and find someone better, someone who will give you flowers, instead of an std from his mistress. Your history with these guys don’t matter, put the good memories in a special place in your heart, and make no new ones with them. You can do better than that. Just know you rock and that you deserve better. -reid