Jealousy is generally regarded as a negative quality that leads to nothing other than arguments, fights, ugly break-ups, and even violentĀ crimes.Ā However, like many other things which are good in moderation, being moderately jealous can be good for your relationship, and some degree of jealousy in a relationship is a sign that whoever is jealous also cares about the other person and love him.her.
Negative or positive – jealousy is a natural human emotion. It’s part of who we are. It might be one of the strongest human emotions there is, if not the strongest one, along with desire for revenge or retribution. Many books and plays have been written about the things people do out of jealousy for many hundreds or even thousands of years. Being jealous in an attempt to safeguard your relationship or prevent others from attracting your lover is one fundamental human instinct to protect that which is yours, which is dear to you, and which makes your life so much better and more worth living. If something or someone is special to you, you naturallyĀ want to keep it allĀ to yourself. And the longer you were searching for love and the more special the person you found is to you, the more you want to hold on to it. Some would call this being possessive. I call it being in love and wanting to keep your lover for yourself so that you can enjoy your love as long as possible. As long as that kind of jealousy does not get out of control and doesn’t become an obsession that hurts you or suffocates your relationship, it’s not really a problem. On the other hand, the opposite – indifference – is a major red flag a relationship, suggesting that it’s only a matter of time that either person or both will be looking for excitement and “action” elsewhere.
If your partner shows mild signs of jealousy, it should be flattering to you. This means that he cares about you, he is concerned about losing you, you are special to him, and he also wants to be the only person who is special to you. Surely, different people have different ideas of what it means to be “mildly” jealous, and at what pointĀ jealousy gets out of control and causes more harm than good. This is where openness and candid communication with each other should come in. If you know that you are being jealous, don’t deny it. Instead, share with your partner how you feel and don’t try to hide your jealousy. Ā There is no shame in that. Being a littleĀ jealous is not the same as falsely suspecting or accusing your partner of lying and cheating. Being a little jealous is not the same as being insecure or having self-esteem issues. Some would say that if you really love someone, you will necessary get jealous from time to time, especially when hear so many stories in movies, news and even from your friends about about infidelity, affairs, etc.
If your partner appears to be the moderately jealous type, tell him that his jealousy is a compliment to you, and at the same time assure him that he has nothing to worry about, if that’s really the case. But if your or your partner’s jealousy gets out of control, read how to overcome and abandon jealousy as it will beĀ critical to maintaining a healthy relationship, and avoiding unnecessary arguments, fights and break-ups.
In a certain sense, I involuntarily did what you consider the amplified version: as she said, I was mild-mannered and never did any sexual remarks before having sex with her.
But the interesting part is that her pre-sex idea of me was still the idea of an intriguing man who was liked by many women and who probably had experience. But maybe she thought I was the kind of person who would have required more time to take things further.
If I had been that kind of man, I am sure she would have been in love with me anyway, but, of course, discovering a "pirate" side showed her the possibility of living also another important component of sexuality, which is the "dirty" one.
So prince/pirate is the best love ingredient.
Do you remember our discussion about cheating and falling in love with someone else?
You risk these two things when one of the qualities (pirate nature – prince nature) are lacking.
If you are always super gentle and never unpredictable or dirty in bed, her fire can stop burning.
On the other side, if you are only a pirate, she can feel a lack of connection ("you are never interested in what I do!", "you never understand me!", "you are always distant!", etc.) and can fall in love with someone else – and here we are returning to the starting point: leaving a dissatisfied girlfriend alone with another person she can establish a connection with is very dangerous).
The problem, Arkady, is that I still love this girl. I've tried to get her back by re-establishing a dialogue and by showing a confident, happy me.
But nothing… There's nothing you can do online…
She lives in the USA and I in Europe.
I've tried to go on, to date other girls, but my mind is still there…
š
I absolutely agree with you about the need to keep the fire burning. Just as important is the need to be patient and let the time do it's work when it's clear that you have to move on, however special you think that girl was. It's normal. You date a bunch of different girls, and then one strikes you as superior on so many levels. It's hard to forget her and to let go, because you honestly think she is one of a kind. But hey – it takes two to tango, and if she doesn't want to dance, and she made it clear, there is nothing you can or should be doing about this, except believe that there are other great women out there for you. It will take work and patience finding them and they will not be just like this one – but they are out there. Harboring hope that you can get back together with this one will only hurt you and will unnecessarily set you back.
I agree.
There are situations where someone has succeeded in getting their ex back, but of course also other ones where the result was bad.
Sometimes me and her have conversations via FB. She is sweet in a controlled manner.
Just one time she had a reaction which surprised me. It was after the only conversation via phone that we had (she was already in a relationship with the boyfriend she has now).
What happened?
She wrote me an e-mail that was full of anger: basically she said that, during our previous phone conversation, I was egocentric and never focused on what she was telling to me, while in reality I had difficulties because 1) I had to handle a foreign language – not easy, especially if the other person has a low-volume voice -; 2) There were embarassing pauses in the dialogue that I tried to fill up someway.
The thing that made me feel bad was that she gave a new interpretation on past events: if, at the beginning, she had considered herself to be in the wrong, admitting her mistakes in long, sweet e-mails, in the new interpretation I was at fault (my egocentricity)!
On the other hand, the thing that made me happy was the anger itself: I considered it as a passion signal: if you are happy with someone else, you usually don't care about the past, right? And of course she was overly angry for something that everyone else would have understood (my language difficulties).
But after this episode, everything was normal again between us and we never had another phone conversation, but just 2-3 e-mails every two months or so.
Yes, it takes two to tango. This is the only thing which makes me feel good: it's not my fault… I have given her all my love as long as she has given me the permission to do that.
Well, as long as you don't put your life on hold because of this remote chance that you guys will get back together, you should be ok and you should let time do its work. There is no overnight solution for not missing her and wanting her back. It's a good thing. You experience love and you still do. You have heart and emotions and pain / missing the girl you like so much is just part of the deal.
Yes, yes…
Totally in agreement.
One day my ex gf told me she was very surprised, in a positive way, to discover my "animal side".
In her opinion, the fact I found a way to take things further (sex) on just our second date, was surprising and wonderful, since I was a gentleman and it was an early phase of our relationship in the flesh (we had been chatting via internet for months before being together in reality – two different countries -).
I remember I was a bit sad for her words, because I started to think that she didn't really appreciate my gentleman part, which I adore about me. So I said to her: "My dear, if you see my "animal part" as the wonderful part, what about my gentleman part? Do you consider it as the weak, boring one?". Her reply was similar to this: "If you hadn't been a gentleman, I wouldn't have fallen in love with you. And, however, I have standards…"
Arkady, the important point I want to underline is this: ok, I made the right moves and had sex with her on our second date, but I could do that because she was already very happy about me (we had already shared deep emotions and feelings – especially online -). And she was in love with me and exited way before discovering my "animal" part.
What does it mean?
1) I conquered her mainly with my global personality: my sensitiveness, my capability to be intriguing and, why not, my fine manners, my gentleman part and my sweetness;
2) Sexual desire, for women, is deeply linked to emotive connection. This is a thing that many guys forget!
š
Alessandro, you are talking about real emotions and real love now. Of course, no girl who doesn't know anything about you wants to see an animal in front of her when she meets him. That would be nothing less than scary. An animal in a guy is attractive when the girl has already developed some kind of connection with you and attraction for you. That's exactly what happened to you. It's fun catching girls off guard. She meets you and gets an impression that you are this mellow, easy going gentle guy, to only find out later that you are anything but in bed. To further amplify this, it's a good idea to avoid any sexual conversations or even jokes until after you have sex with her. This will suggest to her that maybe you are too reserved, too shy or too inexperienced, but then again – you have an opportunity to surprise her.
Thank you very much for your reply.
Probably I was not very clear.
I think that women usually find me interesting as a potential lover… so, I am not the kind of guy who is overly sweet and unstimmulating: I have an interesting world to share, I use sarcasm and I can have a very sexy vibe.
The phenomenon I wanted to underline is that, sometimes, I was called "nice guy" from girls that, after saying this, have shown a clear sexual interest for me.
What does it demonstrate?
That we should contextualize the expression "you are a nice guy", because, in many circumstances, it can mean something different from "you are unattractive".
So people who follows dating advice should be very careful and not always scared by the sentence: "You are a good guy".
If the words "nice" or "good" from a woman were always bad signals, every man should 1) always avoit to express tender love and 2) think his relationship is ruined when his girl tells him he is sweet. Don't you think?
š
I see. Thanks for clarifying. I think "context" is the key here. I wouldn't worry too much and I wouldn't try to read or interpret what the word "sweet" and "nice" means, as it really depends on who says it, when, and under what circumstances, and it certainly not always a bad thing. Imagine doing a nice gesture, or bringing a gift to her on anniversary or birthday or pulling her chair at a restaurant. If she says it's sweet, there is nothing wrong with it. "Sweet" and "nice" is bad when it sounds like she express some kind of pity/sympathy for you. If that's not the case then there is nothing to worry about.
I perfectly agree with you š
And I like the examples you just did!
My ex girlfriend said I was the male version of the saying: "A cook in the kitchen, a princess in the parlour, and a whore in the bedroom."
Of course I like my "animal" part, but I surely love my tender part. You mentioned an anniversary gift, right? Exactly: I am the kind of guy who is very happy to give a gift which is made with fantasy, creativity and sweetness. You know, it's just that I like to love like this.
At the end of your last reply, you underline the existence of circumstances where it would be stupid to be worried about the words "sweet" and "nice".
I agree!
But you and your website are unique: because of bad dating advice from other people, many guys just demonize every "nice" and "sweet" they hear. Basically they stop to think logically and to contextualize what they encounter in the dating world.
Thanks for giving people good advice š
Thank you for your kind words, Alessandro. That's the exact purpose of this website. If I may follow up on one thing you shared about being a cook/prince/animal – having three different personalities makes you particularly attractive and intriguing because it makes your behavior unpredictable and surprising in all the right ways,
Hello Arkady. Alessandro again.
I'd like an opinion that could be interesting for other persons too…
Probably I know what you mean by "bad dating advice". I read a lot of this kind of advice in the past, and I appreciate your website because it shows a fresh idea about things.
The so called dating gurus have ruined my confidence. They basically say that good guys are losers. Their picture of the perfect male is, we can say, a cold person, who is always in control and seems not really interested in the woman he dates.
I think that the main problem linked to the fact of being the "good guy" is the attitude of having a nice behaviour in order to obtain something. If you are sweet not because you think sweetness is a good strategy, but because you like to be sweet, and, at the same time, you preserve a little bit of mystery, sensuality, etc. I don't think you can make mistakes.
The best love story I had was before reading about seduction. She was 7 years older than me and I was sweet, gentle and male at the same time. I didn't know any dating advice and I innocently showed her my romantic attitude even before we were together as a couple. Our relationship was full of passion and she said she had never met a preson like me, who could combine elegance and finesse with what she defined "super sexy animal behaviour in bed". She was very in love and her heart always had strong and fast beats towards me.
So, I didn't worry when a girl told me I was a "good, gentle guy". I started to worry about it after reading dating advices! Absurd!
In 2012 I dated a girl from another city (let's call her Roberta). She liked me and kissed me with passion at the end of our first date. She used to call me "prince" and one day she took a train to visit me. Our relationship never really started, however: she was not happy about the distance between our cities and had problems with her job, while I was still in love with my ex. Now we are nice to each other but it's clear we don't want to take things furter.
I was sweet with her when it was her birthday: I sent her a virtual cake with her name and a pair of pictures. I like to be like that. I like to use my fantasy to communicate that I care about a person. I don't desire to be her boyfriend, but what we have shared has a value to me. That's all. Is such sweetness unattractive? I am asking this because…
Three days ago, Roberta asked me about my new life and said she had always seen, on Facebook, pictures of me with lots of beautiful women. I replied that one of those girls was just a friend, and that I don't want to seduce her because she has entered the friend zone to me.
Roberta's reply was something like: "But you are a very good guy, because you don't have sex just for having sex. You are selective, while other guys are animals. For example I met someone who wanted to have sex with me on our fourth date! Too soon! Still a stranger to me!"
That term, "good", which would have never scared me before reading the bad dating advice, now scares me. A part of me thinks Roberta still finds me attractive, and that the adjective "good" doesn't mean "unattractive loser" in this case. But the part who is trapped into bad dating advice is insecure and too focused on terms (the ones read on bad dating books).
What do you think? If I am a good/loser guy because of my virtual cake, I want to be a loser š I adore the sensitive, sweet part of me! I am not sweet and gentle because I want to have sex. I am sweet and gentle with every human who deserves it.
P.S.: I won't bother you anymore after this post. You are helping for free, and I won't abuse your competence for a long period of time.
Thanks.
š
Hi, Alessandro. Thanks for sharing your experiences and don't worry about bothering me. As long as questions are interesting, it's my pleasure, truly.
Cultural differences play a role in how "sweet" and "good" guys are perceived. I do have to agree that being overly nice and sweet is simply not sexy. I understand where you are coming from. It makes logical sense to you that if you like someone and you want her to like you back, then you should do whatever it takes to please her and to be as kind, sweet and accommodating as possible. But that's just not how humans operate. As I point out in most of my programs, to be attracted to you, you must come across as, first and foremost interesting. This is why sharp wit and sarcasm are such powerful aphrodisiacs, especially to the higher quality women who can appreciate it and dish some of their own.
Coming across as an angel is just not something that gets women attracted. This doesn't mean that you have to be an abusive asshole. There is plenty of space in between. You can be sarcastic and playful while doing a lot of other things that will make her feel special. I realize that sense of humor don't come naturally to everyone, and there are just as many women who don't like sarcasm as there are who do. You have to figure out your style and what works for you given the society you live in, your looks, the kind of women you go after, etc. I do have to agree that if a girl says "oh, you are so sweet" – it can be a bad sign.
A virtual cake is not a big deal, but for future reference – I am sure you can think of something better. And of course and actual gift, however small and modest it might be, is so much better than an e-mail.
One of the worst things a guy can do is being overly accommodating (as opposed to being a leader). The classic example I like to repeat is where the guy is asking a girl out, she then asks him "where are we going?" and he says: "Where would you like to go?" This should never happen. Unless you deal with a hardcore ultra-feminist, any girl you will meat wants the guy to be leading when it comes to these little things such as date logistics, etc… and it's quite important to establishing attraction.
š I am jealous you know Latin. You must be one of the very few out there who does.
š
The reason is this one: I am Italian, and when we are in high school (liceo classico, in particular), we have Latin and ancient Greek as two main subjects. I've translated a lot of what Cesare, Catullo, Seneca, Cicerone, etc. wrote.
Seneca was one of my favourite, because his style of writing is very fluid. Another interesting topic he wrote about was ANGER. In his "De ira", which means "About anger", Seneca talks about the ways to control this bad feeling.
Latin and ancient Greek are particular languages, because they use desinences. It means that you understand the role that every word has inside the sentence based on the way the word ends. Example in Latin: "cÄnis" is "dog" as subject of the sentence, "canis" means "of the dog", "cani" means "to the dog", "canem" is "dog" as direct object of the sentence. This focus on the grammar roles of every word makes it easier to write correctly and to understand other languages, I think.
If you like Jurisprudence, you would probably appreciate, for example, Lisia's oration called "For the killing of Eratosthenes". In this very ancient Greek manuscript, Lisia defends Eufileto, who killed Eratosthenes because he had an intercourse with his wife (honour killing). Interesting.
š
P.S.: In Italian, "dog" is simply "cane".
That's very interesting. I will have to look up those titles. I tried to read Cicero's famous "Apology" but couldn't really get into it. "On Anger" is Seneca's great work. If I may draw a connection to dating, we have to remember that knowing how to not let anger and frustration get to you until and unless is absolutely necessary is one attractive quality that suggests emotional stability and confidence.
Oh, "Apology"… so you like what we call "Classici" and not only Seneca š I agree about anger: I destroyed one of my relationships because of anger!
Anger can be quite hard to control, but as long as you recognize your past mistakes and learned from it, it was a valuable lesson.
Thanks.
I adore Seneca…
I translated a lot of what he wrote from Latin to Italian… great!
š
Thanks, Alessandro. Happy New Year to you as well. With regard to fear, I would like to quote one of my favorite writers Seneca, and remind you that inherently, many things, especially the behavior of other people, are not in our control, and while we should hope for the best, we should remember that anything can happen. While you fully accept this reality, your fear should subside or disappear completely.
It's incredible how much I agree with you!
I don't want to steal other precious time from you, but only to say "thank you", and "happy new year" if we won't have another message exchange.
You suggested the right article: I read it a pair of months ago! Overcoming jealousy is very difficult, partially because, as it is known in Psychiatry, changing mind schemes is very hard!
Understanding the way your mind works, however, is very important. I had a single encounter with a psychiatrist because of a bad dream, and the things he said about me were surprising! I basically discovered to be an egocentric. Not arrogant, but focused on myself. Jealousy and a bit of possessiveness are part of this nature. My brother has never worried about the possibility of his girlfriend falling in love with me, simply because he doesn't live in the future and he sort of accepts more than me the chance of "losing against his brother".
I envy my brother's best friend: he and his girlfriend are very in love with each other and he is happy about my brother laughing and being friend with his woman. Now my brother is just a nice person in this girl's eyes, and the atmosphere is relaxed, normal.
Just one thing makes me become relaxed, when I am jealous or I have a particular fear: thinking that, for some reasons which I cannot understand because of my anxiety, what I suspect to happen won't happen or is very improbable.
I am an happy person, with a big heart and a lot of interests to share. I don't usually fall in the supernice guy/friend zone trap, but, at the same time, I behave like a prince and respect other persons' feelings. My only problem is fears (jealousy is a part of them).
I've had thousand of fears in my life: typically they are 5-6-day-long obsessions and anxieties on a particular topic which disappear in a few days. Each one of these fears has proven to be stupid, and knowing that makes me a little more calm when I feel jealousy or other bad feelings.
Fears are terrible: they make you see exactly the things you fear to see.
Thank you, Arkady!
I'd be happy if you could tell me your opinion.
Suppose that a guy called mr. A is a very attractive man and that, one day, a girl falls in love with him.
He begins to love the girl back and the two start a relationship.
One night, during a party, the girl, who is happy with mr. A, happens to meet mr. B, a man who hits on her and is a little more attractive than mr. A.
What is you idea about a woman's feelings towards mr. B?
Is a woman usually not receptive to interesting guys when she is in an happy relationship, or the fact that mr. B is a little more attractive than mr. A is a serious risk to mr. A's relationship?
I am an attractive guy who is scared by other attractive guys!
Thanks.
Hi, Alessandro. Interesting question. I really think it depends on a lot of factors and every situation is different. I would that most girls, who are truly in love with a guy, will not even look at other guys, no matter how aggressive they are and how attractive they are. Others, are more "adventurous" and they are looking to date around and have no problem talking to or dating other guys, especially if they are better looking, more interesting or more financially stable. But then, the question is if they are really in love. Other circumstances can also matter – did she have a big fight with the guy A? Did he cheat on her and she fees like she needs to do the same to feel "equal" and vindicated? Does he travel a lot for work and not around much or does she? etc…
Thank you very much!
Your words are in agreement with what I've always thought.
I think that things like cheating or being intrigued by other guys happen when there's something missing in the main relationship: usually mr. A doesn't give his girl the emotional and sexual satisfactions she deserves (because he travels a lot, is not capable, is not truly the one for her, the relationship is a 10-year relationship with a loss of the excitement, etc.).
I am considered a very attractive guy, from both a characterial and a physical point of view, and my brother is more or less like me. We are both almost doctors, writers, singers and musicians.
I am insecure, though: even when I have two or three girls interested in me, I tend to focus on my brother's success.
Me and he don't usually share the same friends, even though we are very fond of each other, but it frequently happens that, when he meets some of my friends, there's at least a girl in the group who finds him attractive. Usually he is just friendly, but I sort of fear his "power"!
I don't know: maybe I have the same power with the girls of his group (I still remember one of his female friends telling me I am similar to Keanu Reaves), but my insecurities are still here with me!
I've never introduced a girlfriend to him, just because it's rare that I am in a relationship, but the only idea to do that scares me!
If he has a strongest magnetic power than me, it's ok: the important thing is that my loved, special one can resist this power.
My father says that everything is in my mind, and that this fear will disappear after sharing more life situations with my brother (in order to truly understand he is not "dangerous"). I don't know…
Maybe I am just the older brother who is jealous of his toys. Who knows…
How do you usually handle such situations?
Thanks. You're the best.
Hi, Alessandro. Thanks for your kind words. I believe I mentioned in one of my audio programs how important it is not to compare yourself to others. This is for two reasons. First, you can always find someone who is taller, better looking, smarter, wealthier, etc… Secondly, the very fact that you suggest that you have to compete with another guy over a girl who you are already with suggests tremendous insecurity on your part.
If your brother is a good guy, who is not known to take something or someone away from you and who isn't evil enough to try to seduce a girlfriend of his own brother, I don't think you have anything to worry about. Having said that, there is no reason to put them in a position where something might happen an where one thing can lead to another. For instance, if you do introduce them to each other, there is no reason for them to hang out without you being present, and of course there is no reason for them to be drinking at anyone's house without you being present. This is not because you can't trust your brother or your girlfriend, but because often, as you know, one thing can lead to another. Further, the girl might feel unusually close to a guy who is your brother. This is not to put things in your head to worry about, but simply make sure that you avoid putting them in a situation where there is any kind of temptation.
As far as your younger brother getting the bigger piece of pie in a family, that's just natural. Baby brothers and daughters always treated better than their elder siblings.
I agree with you.
So we can say, putting all we have said previously, that:
1) If a girl is totally in love with you, excited and happy, she usually won't pay that kind of attention to other guys (my brother in this case);
2) Since a relationship can be made of weak moments, it is still wise to avoid situations where she and my brother can establish a particular kind of connection and intimacy. Emotive connection is dangerous!
With this said, I ask:
How can you avoid the "dangerous" situations without showing your girl or your brother your insecurities?
If a big part of solving the problem lies in the usual society habits and common sense, there are things that can be difficult to avoid. For instance, suppose that my brother and my girlfriend decide to go out together for buying a birthday surprise for me: how to protect my relationship? It was just an example… I am sure that my brother would avoid by himself a situation like that.
Third thing. I admit that your sentence: "The girl might feel unusually close to a guy who is your brother", scared me a little. Did you mean that his physical-genetic and characterial similarities can be a turn on for the girl? This is something I've always thought, but my hope has always been: my brother will be considered the faded imitation of me, when she is in the "honeymoon stage"; another annoying Alessandro, when things between me and her are not so good š
Lastly, it's very frustrating for me to see my brother as a time bomb: it's terrible to think that the girl who considers me special has the potential to consider him as special too! Very frustrating…
Luckily I see a lot of situations where, no matter how attractive is the guy, he has entered the unsexy friend zone with the girl of his brother.
Interesting point, Arkady… friend zone… how to create it between them? Probably by prolonging for years the state of safe interaction between them?
Thank you. What you say is always interesting!
I totally agree with #1 and #2 you make above.
Even more important – there is nothing you can do to insure 100% that the girl you are with will cheat on you or will leave you for any of the other 1000 conceivable reasons. You might do the same to her. This is not to scare you, but to make you face the natural reality of things. You shouldn't be standing by her every moment and guarding her vagina against any other <del datetime="2013-12-30T19:21:59+00:00">penetrator</del> perpetrator. It's going to make you look an feel awful. You do the best you can to have the best relationship with her and if she decides one day to leave or have an affair – oh well, that's her choice. She is a free person after all.
What I meant to say about your brother is that if the three of you hang out together a lot, then she will feel close enough and comfortable enough with him as a friend, and then the chances of them hooking up might be higher. Again – "might be" is the key. Perhaps if you talk to him and explain to him your fears and concerns, he will assure you that you have nothing to worry about, and he will not do anything like that to his brother. And you don't need to do any extra work to create a friends zone between them.
Please also read this very important article for you carefully: https://www.practicalhappiness.com/overcoming-jeal…