I believe that many of the traditional roles of men and women are valid and essential to creating and preserving the right dynamics in a relationship, and some of us are too quick to dismiss those customs that have been established over many centuries or even thousands of years, and which made the relationships between men and women work much better before than they do today. Therefore, when it come to initiating a contact and making a move on someone you are attracted to and would like to meet and potentially date, it’s ultimately a man’s job to be the initiator and to make that first move. This is one of the qualities that makes a guy come across as both strong and attractive to a woman who he is approaching – her seeing that he is capable of doing that and also her realizing that he doesn’t wait for things to happen; he takes his life into his own hands, and he creates his own opportunities, despite the risks of failure involved in making that move.
However, many women face the frustrating situation with guys who don’t show initiative even thought these men appear to be interested. This could be someone as close as your school mate or a colleague who you see and talk to every day, amd who flirts with you and asks you personal questions about your dating life and your views on dating in general, but who doesn’t seem to able to take it to the next level and ask you out. Or, it could be an employee of a store you frequent at, who is always extra friendly with you and tries to have a conversation with you when you come in without actually asking you out. You almost expect him to finally invite you for coffee or a movie, and yet he never gets there. And sometimes, it’s a neighbor who clearly stares at you when he sees you as long as your are in his view, but he never approaches you to introduce himself or have a normal conversation with you to get to know you a little better. He might even make you feel uncomfortable by staring at you, but all he is really doing is admiring what he sees. All these guys have one thing in common – they don’t make a move because they are either shy or don’t know what to say, or they are afraid you might not be available. It’s also possible that they have been brainwashed with all the advice about the importance of being a challenge with women and are therefore playing hard to get – not because they want to but because they have been told that that’s the right way to be.
So, if you are interested in getting to know that guy, you have a choice: either waiting for him to actually make a move and ask you out one day or be proactive yourself. Which way are you going to go?
I strongly believe that being proactive brings many rewards to any person in any area of life, and these kinds of situations with men are not an exception. If the guy who looks interested is not asking you out for whatever reason, then this is unlikely to change in the near future. If you saw him 5-6 times and he still hasn’t asked you out, he probably won’t do it on his own. The truth is that the longer we, guys, wait and the longer we hesitate to make a move on a girl, the harder it becomes to do it. As unattractive as that passive behavior might be, this doesn’t mean that the guy is otherwise insecure or that he couldn’t be a great guy for you to date or even have a relationship with down the road. If you are interested in getting to know him better, you have to understand that one of you has to make a move. While you cannot make him be more outgoing or confident – at least not at that stage, you have a lot of control over what you do, and thus you should consider making a move yourself.
Many women avoid making a move and breaking the ice with a guy, because they are concerned about being perceived too needy or desperate. Ironically, it seems that not doing the things you want because of that concern of being perceived as needy and desperate is the sign of greatest desperation of all. When you really want to do something or meet someone but you are not making that important step in that direction only because you are afraid to come across as desperate, you are actually hurting yourself, your life, and your self esteem, as such a behavior leads to inevitable and bitter regrets for missed opportunities and other “what if’s.” Abandon that mindset! It hasn’t served you well in the past, and it won’t in the future. Instead, learn how to make a subtle, but clear move to let the guy know that you are a confident woman who has an edge to her and who can make things happen and who is in charge of her love life. This could be as simple as walking by the guy who seems interested and suggesting to check out a new cafe in your town together. Or, if you are completely sue that the guy really likes you, you could playfully say: “Hey, just so you know – asking me out doesn’t cost anything, and… probably won’t get you arrested.” Regardless, whatever you do will likely be better than doing nothing. And remember the obvious – by making a move you have absolutely nothing to lose. If nothing else, it will be an interesting experience, and it surely be a major compliment to the guys. After all, even the most attractive among us, guys, are approached by girls very, very rarely if ever at all.
Well, I believe that the guy should do the move..i do not feel comfortable asking a man out. Maybe because we were raised as conservatives. I recently divorced and I noticed that a work’s supervisor stares at me a lot, and actually I have a crush on him.. I think about him all the time, it has been like that for 3 months but he is not doing any step, I tried to talk to him via facebook about work stuff so he knows I am interested, and I called him once also for work purpose, but he is not doing any move at all, and I am tired of waiting. They are right in the article, it kills your self esteem (which was already destroyed during my marriage)…I do not know what to do, I have couple of men trying to ask me out, but I cannot keep him out of my mind, and I am really tired of waiting for him to make a move…
Perhaps you can give him a few hints – maybe be a little friendlier, ask him personal questions about what he likes to do in his spare time and see if he warms up. You should understand that as a supervisor he has his own real concerns about being too forward with you for obvious reasons, so he can’t really be blamed for being careful.
I did not see him since 3 months, but I have him as a friend on facebook. And lately, I was waiting to see him for this semester, I teach in a different campus than him, but unfortunately I will not be able to see him. I think about him everyday, and I am kind of shy to call him, I mean what should I say? We have no work in common. I once messaged him on facebook to ask him a favor for a friend, he had a kind response but no further. I’m psychologically tired, I want to talk to him, but I do not want to be needy or show him I am desperate. I’m really old school, and I believe that if he really wants me, he could call, its simple. I do not know what to do.
You should not be torturing yourself this way. Life rewards initiative. This applies to pretty much anything, as I am sure you know. If you are thinking about him every day, you should just invite him for a cup of coffee to catch up. The biggest mistake people make, especially women, is not doing something they really want out of fear of coming across as needy. Who cares how you come across? What do you have to lose? Contrary to what many women think, it’s really hard for guys to make a move unless we get some kind of green light. We also don’t want to offend or appear as creepy. Call him, text him, e-mail him – either he is interested and if he is not, you will get clarify about the situation and you can just move on.
Hello again, I went and saw him last week, it took me really some courage to do it. And we chatted for about 2 h, we shared common experiences in life. However, at the end, he asked me what do I want, so I asked him if he likes me because he was staring a lot at me: he denied it totally, and that he was not giving signs and I understood it all wrong. I was really really embarrassed, and I will not tell you how ashamed of myself I was. Now I thank God I am not at his same workplace, it would be really really awkward. But I guess as you said what do you have to lose, but I really felt bad and humiliated. Thank you in all cases. Have a nice day.
I want to congratulate you truly for making this courageous move. And you have nothing whatsoever to be embarrassed of!!! What’s the catastrophe that happened – he told you he was not interested? So, what? At least now you can put this to rest and move on. You should act like nothing happened, because nothing really did happen. You are not a teenager. You gave a guy a great compliment and it would feel good to anyone. A few moments of awkwardness are definitely worth finding out the truth. Please also be sure to read this relevant article: https://www.practicalhappiness.com/female-pride-and-dating/
It’s one thing if it’s a random girl at a bar or a stranger on the bus but if it’s a coworker or a classmate that rejects you… you to have to face that every time you see them again, which could be a long while. It sucks. The guys who don’t ask in those situations are being very logical. If a girl doesn’t show any signs of interest then definitely don’t ask.
In today's world, I see it as perfectly fine to be direct about your feelings to a man and/or ask him out. Yes, there are men out there who can't handle it. At least you will find out how future events will transpire in your connection with each other. Either moving forward, or not.
I'm the type who needs to be friends with a guy first, before I can move into an intimate relationship with a man. This married guy at work, younger than me, has flirted with me for months. He is a cute, shy techie. He has become so comfortable with me that, at times, he has made sexual comments to me. I confronted him the other day through Skype about a strong comment he made to me in that regard. He flat out denied that he made the comment and said I misunderstood. I was dumbfounded! I let him know I was through our Skype exchange. There are a couple other guys, younger than I am at work, who find me very attractive and have told me. I'm not interested. His denial is surreal to me. Especially, sine he started flirting with me months ago. I plan on turning my back on him, but will remain professional. I just would like a logical explanation. This is strange and I have never experienced this with any man, ever.
Hi, Sophie. I am pretty sure that the reason he reacted that way was because it's at work and he is afraid to be accused of sexual harassment, etc, which is quite understandable, how consider how hypersensitive our typical workplace is, and how often people get in trouble for no reason. It might be worth trying to clear that misunderstanding by speaking with him in person.
"R" – Women do NOT call it "crap", they call it dating —- it is the way THEY want it!
Either do it THEIR way or get out! If you express your view ( and dare to disagree),
you are then called woman-hating,socially awkward and unacceptable. Good Luck!
This is what should happen to every women in the world but it NEVER happens! Man will make a move if a women make it obvious she is interested but it never happens at least here!
Kudo to you! You are really a women with serious balls! Unlike creepy 99% of other women expecting a guy to ask them out!
Yes Ana!!! You are SOOO Right!!! Womens learn this!!! "when you ask a guy out, you ask out a NICE NORMAL REGULAR GUY who is the marrying kind!!!" Full Stop!
Well you are wrong! Man are afraid of rejection as much as women! It doesn't always mean he is not confidant. And what about women?! Men should also ran like hell away to find a confident women if that is a big issue for you and we will see if you like it or not! It could mean a lot of other reason for eg he want to sort his money first before making a move on the women but he doesn't want to let her know he likes her because I know how unnecessary awkward women can be like a kid when he told her. Women need to grow up and stop being uncomfortable to prevent destroy man confidence. What about quiet man? Quiet man are extremely into you for example but are afraid you will leave him after few months because he is quiet and boring! I know alot of women would do this because they care mostly about attention. I'm surprised it was never mention here in the article about quiet man. You have to accept that love always come first! If a man is into you but is very quiet and find a hard time to make a move but will always love you, you should give him a chance and it will surely boost his confidence also married him as well! It seems women always want confident man first because he will make everything easier for women and that is pretty sad because what about nerds guys as well? They don't always have confidence and yet women fly past them like nothing but they have passion for love if women could just stop over thinking and see deeply in his heart! A great example of what I mean is watch a movie called "Shes out of my league 2010" I was rooting for that nerd guy Kirk and you could see he has a very good heart and love. We need more women in the rest of the world like Molly in that movie and Im talking about beautiful women!. What so beautiful was Molly does not care what he has only for what he is in is heart. Heck that guy has almost no confidence and look what he got at the end! Confidence surely improved! Women need to admire nice good quiet nerd loving guys physically.
I am so sorry that the guy broke up with you. I wish I could slab in his face for doing that! If he reaaaly didnt like you in the first place he should said it. Good Luck
Then KUDO to you! We need more women like you who have balls! I was quite surprised when you might think it he would think you are needy when you would say he should kiss you more often? It is a very turn on for guys when women said that! Guys love women when women want more! Stop over thinking and just do it and this apply for the rest of the women in the world! Lesson should be learned!
This post is very old so am going to comment on how the last 5 years have destroyed all concepts of meaningful dating. Because it has. NOTICE TO WOMEN: men are sick of your crap and are now refusing to play your game. Most will not ask you out or ask any female out. Its either meet for sex or forget it because your attitudes have made it impossible to deal with. Yes, you have ruined it and men are starting to boycott. My advice is if you want any sort of relationship with a decent guy you BETTER INITIATE IT YOURSELF because if you are waiting for him to do it, it won't happen.
I need advice on this subject. Please, give me your opinions.
So I've had a crush on this guy at work since the day I started. He is super shy, and a little awkward, and barely said a word to me (while I became friends with everyone else). I almost felt like maybe he was into me and that's why he would avoid conversation, but I knew that was a stretch. I was just crazy nervous around him, so I never made a move. Then as time went on, he started to do little flirty things to me, and one night we got drunk together (with a group of other people) and he was focusing on me a lot, and being really flirtatious. Nothing happened that night for my own reasons, but I feel like it could have.
So this is where I need the advice…The other night, I was having a party and invited him over. He texted and said he couldn't make it because he had a rough day, and I was pretty hammered. I started hinting that I should go to his apartment. He was down, and said things like "I'd love for you to come over" but he also said he didn't want me to do anything I would regret in the morning, and that if I still wanted to hang out the next day, we would make it happen. He also said "i hope you don't change your mind in the morning."
So, the next day came, and I waited for him to text me….I thought the ball was in his court (I hate to play games, but this situation is sensitive!). So he never texted me, which i thought was weird. Was it my call to text him? I texted him saying that i was laughing at myself for what I said to him, and thanked him for being really sweet about it. Did I make it sound like I had changed my mind? I was honestly just a little embarrassed, and didn't want to come off seeming slutty.
I want him to know that I don't just call up guys in the middle of the night when I'm drunk and have sex with them. But I feel like I have been coming on a little strong, and I don't want to seem desperate. Do I? Does it sound like he is into it? WHAT DO I DO.
Thank you in advance for your opinions. I've talked to my friends about this, but after reading all the responses here I feel like i could get some good feedback from an objective source.
I've done it before but it was because I knew the guy really liked me and he wasn't picking up on my attempts at flirting with him. It turned out positive!
It's a case-by-case thing but the woman should make sure that this guy actually likes her and can handle her asking him out.
By the way, to women who want to ask out a guy you should be: direct, to the point and natural!
I agree with most of the comments above – men SHOULD make the first move. I think that if a woman initiates a relationship by asking the man out, the man may say yes because he’s bored, or there’s no better options lying around… my advice is to give the man space. Hang out with him, show him what a fun person you are and have an amazing time… then give him space. Give him a chance to miss you. Give him a chance to want to see you again, and be the one to initiate things. That way, you’ll know that his feelings are genuine, and he’s not seeing you just because it’s convenient.
The man may be clueless rather than cowardly. A girl who gets around flirts with me for the longest time, while I am in a regime of home->school->home with nothing in between. I am not afraid to make a move, but cannot imagine a single place to “ask her out”. I wish her to just ask me out, especially since her attention is glaringly obvious. I understand this situation is atypical, but very possible; for example, maybe the man is new in the country and the woman happens to speak his language.
I agree With you Elizabeth you women should be able to ask a man out if you want or throw away all the rights and freedoms women have gained throughout the last century.
I’m a shy guy but girls were I come from don’t really have a problem asking me out 🙂
what's wrong with you people, it's def. ok I mean most guys even think it's hot, I asked out a shy guy and it worked out fine.
“Hey, just so you know – asking me out doesn’t cost anything, and… probably won’t get you arrested.”
Here in Sweden you could actually get arrested or at least be reported to the police if approaching a girl on wrong place and asking her out (every place which doesn't include alcohol or your friends contacts). The chances aren't that big but the probability exists.
I am a guy and it is not necessarily up to her to make the first move, but a green light is nice. Think of it in the form of a metaphor. A man and a woman on opposite sides of a locked door. We speak to eachother, and seem to like eachother, but neither knows where it will go. Simply the sound of her unlocking the door should be all he needs to open that door and walk through. Subtle is fine. And a man should make a move, but in this day and age it is nice to have a little hint.
Honestly, all my married friends are relationships where the woman asked the man out. Just be sure that when you ask a guy out, you ask out a NICE NORMAL REGULAR GUY who is the marrying kind, and not one of those really hot jerk types that get tons of chicks.
i honestly think. if a man comes off as being extremely into you. and, doesnt initiate a kiss or a further promising relationship. then hes a coward and doesnt feel that he can measure up to the woman. therefore thats why he wants the woman to make the move. hes afraid of rejection. so, ladies dont give him the benefit of the doubt!! run like hell. find a confidant man!!!!!! yo yo
Surely it depends on the situation? If you like someone a lot and you kow they're not going to initiate anything then you just 'initiate' it yourself no matter whats considered 'right'.
absolutely the guy needs to make the first move….for all the reasons above. It doesn't mean he has to make every move thereafter, but a woman will never know if a guy is really interested in her if she makes the first move, because me will tend to say yes if a woman is initiating. I have known this lesson for 20 years and I stupidly made the first move (sexually) on a guy recently and after a month last night he broke things off and said something like "YOU got things going. I wasn't sure how I felt about you yet at that point, but you always seemed more into me than I was into you" which wasn't true, I just wanted to sleep with him and thought I would get things going, but it was very ouchy to hear what I already knew guys think if you're the one who makes the first move. If a guy wants a woman he will muster the courage. And as said above a woman can do a lot to indicate he's interested but if he doesn't step up you are going to find yourself pushing things along because he will have taken a passive role from the get-go, which most men and women (not all) prefer not to be the case and will cuse trouble later on. If he is too passive (or not interested or cocky or lazy) to not make a move, this is probably not the right guy for the woman.
Thanks for your feedback. It's quite interesting that while some women want men to take charge, others like when guys are actually passive and very subtle. I am not sure how much one can assume about a woman, her character, personality, and sexuality based on that fact alone, but I would think that it makes some statement about who she is, her sexuality and her idea of what romance is.
ANY guy will go out with a girl that asks (unless he's already with a girl he likes), for at least the most basic reason of sex. Men are programmed to do that, and although we can control it psychologically with self-control, that's something many people lack today.
But if a guy asks a girl out, he thinks she's special. I have no idea how women think, since I'm a guy, so it's often hard to tell if a girl's interested or not cause rejection sucks. But it seems like women are more insecure than they appear and situations of asking a girl out often progress into relationships that reveal the truth of this idea.
I think giving a special guy that you like the greenlight to go, but not allowing yourself to be feeling "needy/desperate" is a big thing. I've been seeing this guy for about a month. And we have shared a few kisses before….. but, he kissed me at the end of one particular evening and it was like "about damn time!" and I told him very pointedly but not needy, "ya know, you should kiss me more often". Just like that! It felt good to say that! And I feel that that was letting him know, "yeah I like you"…but you have to make more moves becuase I told you I liked that!
That's my 2 cents
"Little things" are indicative of "big things." If a man can't ask a woman out so she gives in and makes that initiation, she may wind up in a relationship with him – BUT she can expect to have to make those gestures and assume a disproportionate share of emotional risk for the entirety of the relationship. If she doesn't mind doing that, go ahead and initiate! But if she thinks it would wear her down and make her feel unloved, she's better off passing this boy by.
Of course, expecting a woman to initiate things is not good to a relationship for many reasons, but giving the guy a green light to approach doesn't mean she has to be in charge in everything else….
Well stated. I do think a woman can encourage a man, but he should be the initiator. It looks sexier. It shows strength and comes across as more masculine than a man who is scared and shy.
Men that do not approach women are either shy, insecure, or cocky from my observation. Also it could be sheer laziness. A cheetah chases a gazelle, a gazelle does not chase a cheetah.
It is natural for males to be the aggressor, basic primative behavior can be seen through animals themselves.
Im a firm believer of the guy should make a move..I think that when a man wants something he will definately go for it…no matter what.Also your chances of having a healthy rship is very high when he spots you and makes a move.Its like a leopard spoting a gazelle and runs after it till it finds it…..If he cant make a move then too bad.Every man wants a chase and when he manages to hunt his prey he will definately treasure it….