If You Only Talk to Make Plans, How Is a Relationship Supposed to Grow?
You meet someone you like. You go out, have a good time, and agree to see each other again. Then you barely hear from each other until the following week. “Are you free Friday?” “Sure. Seven?” Another date gets scheduled, but very little happens between dates. No phone calls. No real conversations. Maybe a text or two to confirm where you’re meeting. This can keep this type of dating arrangement going, but if you want to develop a real connection – how are you actually getting closer?
Spending a couple of enjoyable hours together once a week gives you something to build on. But when that’s your entire connection, where is this going exactly? You might know someone’s favorite restaurant before you know what they sound like when they’re excited, frustrated, tired, or genuinely happy to hear from you. You might have great chemistry over dinner but almost no involvement in each other’s everyday lives. Every date becomes another catch-up session. You summarize your week, enjoy the evening, and disappear from each other’s lives again. At some point, a relationship needs more continuity than that, unless it’s “situationship” is all that both of your really want and you are fine keeping things where they are.
Speaking on the phone in between dates can go a long way. Ideally, if that’s someone you are interested in, you will actually enjoy speaking with them. You hear their tone. You laugh together. One topic leads to another. You find out things about each other that probably wouldn’t come up in a message about Friday’s reservation.
You don’t need endless good-morning texts, immediate replies, or a two-hour conversation every night. You do need enough contact to feel that you’re getting to know each other beyond a weekly appointment. Like most other things in life, relationships either flourish or perish, especially at the earliest stages of interacting with each other. These small exchanges matter because they show attention. You remembered. You were curious. You wanted to connect even when there wasn’t a date to arrange.
Some people avoid calling because they’re afraid of seeming too interested. They’ve heard that they should save everything for the date, stay mysterious, or never appear too available. But if both people are busy pretending they don’t need much contact, they can end up creating exactly that kind of relationship: one with very little contact and very little depth.
Calling someone you’re dating isn’t automatically needy. Wanting to talk between dates isn’t an unreasonable expectation. You can show interest without chasing someone, and you can have your own life while still making space for the other person, who you actually starting to like.
One of the most common complaints among women these days is that the men they meet don’t communicate enough with them. Often, the reason for this is a misalignment in expectations. The guy is afraid that the woman he just met will get sick of him if he texts her, let alone talks to her too much, while she feels neglected at the same time. If you are a woman in that situation, a little directness from you to clear this can go a long way. There is nothing wrong with bringing this up gently but directly by your third-fourth date: “I enjoy seeing you, but I’d also like us to talk more between dates” and seeing how he responds. A lack of phone calls alone doesn’t prove a lack of interest. A consistent lack of curiosity, effort, and willingness to connect is more telling.
