Almost every dating book on the market talks about the importance of first impressions when it comes to meeting, flirting and attracting someone who you are interested in. Many dating advice guides go as far as to say that a woman can determine within 30 seconds of meeting a guy for the first time whether she is going to want to sleep with him. The question is whether we trust our first impressions way too much and whether doing so can make us both, miss out on potentially great romantic opportunities by assuming negative things too early, or – do the opposite – become all too hopeful about someone prematurely to only set ourselves for disappointment.
Many, if not most, guys believe in first impressions as well. They think that if there is no instant chemistry/attraction when they meet a woman, then they simlply do not belong together. This is just not true. In fact, I have seen and also experienced a number of incredibly fulfilling relationships that didn’t start as love at first sigh” or even from a good first impression. Some of them started quite slowly – even with a not-so-great first impressions or first date, where I would think that a woman I went out with didn’t even like m,e or I wasn’t into her all that much. I met at least two women in my lifetime with whom I had pretty bad first dates, and both of whom struck me as very interesting, attractive and desirable later. In fact, I think that most of the women I ended up developing feelings for, dating or being in a long-term relationships, weren’t as intriguing to me right away. My feelings for them took time to develop. I am not sure why that was the case. Maybe I wasn’t myself when I initially met them. Or perhaps they had their guards up, appear shy, or they otherwise didn’t act like they normally would at first, as they were concerned about sending the wrong message, such as being too easy or desperate. I am not sure. What I am sure of, however, is that if it happened to me several times and if it happened to a few of my male friends that they developed feelings for their girlfriends or wives slowly and gradually, it means that it happens to other people as well, and it means that we should take our first impressions with a grain of salt when it comes to meeting new people and dating.
Having a tendency to analogize things, I can’t help but conclude that it’s hardly surprising that strong feelings don’t always flourish in an instant. They take time to evolve into a real emotion. After all, many other great things will not necessarily strike you as great right away. Some of the best movies start rather slow, and it takes time to get into them. The first few pages or even chapters of some of the most influential pieces of literature out there are not all the exciting to read at first, and it sometimes takes reading quite a few pages or even reading the same book twice before you can really appreciate its value and message. Why should real love and real, strong, meaningful connection be any different, and why shouldn’t it develop gradually as the two people to know each other better and better?
Ironically, the same even applies to sex with a new partner. You, my reader, have probably noticed from your own experience that more often than not, having sex with someone the second, third or fourth time is much better than the very first sexual encounter with that person. And if you are a guy who cannot get fully hard when having sex with a new partner for the first time, I assure you that your experience is not uncommon.
So, what does this mean to you? – This might just suggest that you shouldn’t place as much importance on your first impressions when you meet someone new, as you might have been in the past. Perhaps you shouldn’t judge whether you might love someone and have a great romantic connection with him/her by the very first few moments after you met. Just because we are not “feeling it” right away, and just because you haven’t been smitten by that other person you just met, doesn’t mean that you won’t be crazy about each other in a week or a month later. Don’t let your first impression dismiss the people you meet prematurely, or, conversely, be smitten too quickly. Let time and actions speak for themselves instead of relying too much on first impressions. There is simply no way around it.
I think positive first impressions don't always mean much either, which may seem counter-intuitive, but let me explain.
I went on a semi-blind date with a girl (saw photos of her on facebook and was setup through a mutual friend). We had an amazing first date…I was truly reeling from it the next day and though I had found "the" girl.
The next date was so-so but after the second date, I never heard back from this girl…apparently, because I didn't try to make a move on her and kiss her, she concluded that I was not interested in her (this was told to me by our mutual friend). But I didn't think it was appropriate to try and kiss a girl I was only getting to know (two dates isn't enough for me) after two dates. Although she may have felt I was too slow in showing my interest, I was perfectly content in the pace.
So, sometimes a first date that is awesome isn't any real indication of the overall compatibility of two people…just like a lukewarm first date isn't either…in either case, time reveals true compatibility after good conversations reveal the genuine characters of each person.
Seriously if a person wants to meet women they should take up ballroom dancing and to not flirt with women on the first time. Women have a great time dancing and the adrenaline lowers their inhibitions
Thanks for the quick response. Unfortunately, as I near age 50, the new national pastime of male bashing has picked up speed since my time in college nearly thirty years ago. Thus, the only options seem to be to either endure the situation as it is and get repeatedly shot down, or cut your losses and get out of Dodge.
I saw a recent post on this site that perfectly summed up the overall hopelessness (as I see it) of approaching & trying to date: “I am hot. You want me and you know it, but you can’t have me.” If that is not the definitive statement of being unapproachable, I'd love to hear a better one.
Even on the off chance that there may be a special someone off in the distance, I'm not convinced anymore that looking for the proverbial needle in the ten thousand foot haystack is worth the aggravation and acrimony. Sorry, but I just can't see it.
What an absolute crock!!! There are also the following stubmling blocks that make approaching women and dating an exercise in futility and certain failure for a lot of us:
1) The pervasive “all men are dogs” mentality.
2) The so-called “bitch shield”.
3) The gang of “cock-blocking” friends who’s mission in life is to stonewall every attempted approach.
4) Many women seem to get a charge out of cutting down guys at the knees at every turn.
5) Many women like to portray themselves as “unapproachable”, and wear a chip on their shoulder like a badge of honor.
That tells me the game is over. All the confidence in the world can never erase the fact that the dating game, as I see it, is rigged to hose most guys at every turn.
Can someone please tell how can one not be cynical in the face of all this?
It's hard to argue with what you say, as we all witness vivid examples of that around us in our daily lives. But, what choice do men have? Men can't simply give up because some women fall into the above categories. Also, we might be in part at fault for causing the above issues, especially the part about the bitch shield. Being approached by and stared at by guys who a woman doesn't like or finds repelling/annoying will surely create a certain attitude to keep them away. The sad reality is that it keeps the good ones away as well – the ones she would like and would enjoy knowing. Some of the most single women, so to speak – some of the women who are most eager to meet men act unapproachable because they are just as equally eager to avoid the kind of men they know they will not like.
The thing about first impressions is that they are useful but not irreplaceable. If you want to be on the fast track to impressing someone, they are probably required, but it also probably takes longer than it seems for most people to actually close the first impression door and start evaluating you based on those assumptions.
I feel the same way. If you don't have an initial WOW connection off-the-bat, it doesn't mean it's over by any means. I have plenty of female friends who said they only started liking a guy after hanging out for a while and learning his personality.
On the flip side, if there are those sparks right away, most of the time things will continue unless you actively mess it up. If a girls really into you initially, you have to try hard to push her away.
In all, I still think you should try to make the best possible first impression to improve your odds. But if it doesn't happen right away, keep your head up — there's always a possibility.