Looks or Personality? – Why This Question Misses Something Important
“Do you care more about looks or personality?” We have all heard this question over and over. But it assumes that looks and personality are two separate things: one determines how physically attractive you find someone, and the other determines how much you enjoy their company. In reality, the two can actually be difficult to separate. Someone’s personality can and often does become part of their physical and sexual appeal.
When you look at someone you know, you don’t just see their face and body. You also see the person you have come to know. Their humor, warmth, intelligence, confidence, and the way they treat you can affect how attractive that face and body seem to you. The same is true when you touch them. Holding someone’s hand, kissing them, or lying next to them doesn’t feel the same regardless of who they are. What you know about them, and how you feel about what you know, can very much change that experience.
You have probably met someone who looked fine but didn’t immediately strike you as especially attractive. Then you spent time together. You loved their sense of humor. Their observations interested you. Something about their manner made you feel comfortable, curious, or excited. Eventually, you found yourself looking at them differently. Their smile became more appealing. You noticed their eyes, their voice, or the way they moved. You started wanting to sit closer to them. Their features hadn’t changed. Your experience of those features had.
You can also meet someone who seems physically perfect and instantly or gradually lose interest as you get to know them. Maybe they are consistently rude, self-absorbed, or exhausting to talk to. Maybe their charm disappears whenever they don’t get what they want. Maybe you just can’t stand their voice or body odor. After enough unpleasant interactions, you are going to lose much attraction for them. You might still recognize that they are good-looking. You can understand why a stranger would find them attractive. But recognizing someone’s good looks and feeling sexually drawn to them are different things. Their photo might still impress you. An evening together might remind you why you don’t want another one.
Some of this only makes sense when you actually experience it youself. Until this happens to you, the idea can sound like something people say to avoid admitting how much looks matter. You might assume that anyone who emphasizes personality is settling or being polite. Then you meet someone whose presence does something to you that their picture never could. Or you lose all desire for someone you once thought was super hot.
Once you have experienced either, “looks or personality?” becomes a harder question to answer. Because when you want to kiss someone, you aren’t kissing a collection of features. You are kissing a person, and who that person is can be a large part of why you want to.
