If you were to ask a typical man what he finds most attractive in women and what is looking for the most in a woman as a potential dating and relationship partner, he would probably tell you that he wants someone sweet, easy going, attractive, honest, caring, etc. If all that and more could be summarized in one word, it would be femininity. The vast majority of men are naturally attracted and driven sexually and otherwise to women who are feminine. If only defining what femininity is was that easy. The formal definition of femininity is a good start, but it doesn’t really get you far in understanding what makes one woman appear more feminine than the other. I believe that the femininity consists of three components: 1. Physical; 2. Behavioral; 3. Mental.
1. Physical Aspects of Femininity
The physical aspects of femininity include a woman’s body and body type, hair and hair style, and her dress style. A woman who has a more attractive body physically (wider hips, narrower waist, softer and smoother skin, thicker lips and eye brows, moderate height etc..) will likely come across as more feminine. Feminine style of clothing, such as wearing skirts and dresses will also contribute to a woman’s physical femininity more than a unisex attire. Being a tom boy on the inside and not minding breaking is great, but if you dress like a tomboy, you will take away a lot from your feminine energy. The other physical aspects of femininity which is almost as important as a woman’s body is her voice. A softer, more sensual voice will make a woman more feminine, while a lower, harsher voice will make her less feminine. If you just walk around and listen to different women’s voices, you will notice that there is a vast difference in the softness of voice between different women. A few men (including myself) would tell you that a voice alone, that’s really unattractive, can be a deal-breaker.
2. Behavioral Aspects of Femininity
The behavioral aspects of femininity involve a woman’s mannerisms, such as body language, demeanor, eye contact, and how she uses the language. The more aggressive a woman is with her body language and voice, the less feminine she will generally appear. Being a classy woman will automatically make her more feminine. Using “manly” words, such as “dude”, “whats up”, and excessive cussing also take away from a woman’s femininity. And of course, any nurturing behavior will make a woman appear more feminine.
It goes without saying that any traditionally male bad habits, such as smoking, excessive drinking, spitting, etc., make a woman more masculine and therefore – less feminine.
3. Mental Aspects of Femininity
The mental aspects of femininity include a woman’s goals and values. A woman whose goals resemble those of a single guy who never plans to settle, such as focusing completely on her career and her next promotion while sacrificing other parts of her life is not going to come across as feminine. A woman who partially or fully dismisses traditional female values, such as being a mother, a wife, and engaging in such activities as cooking, cleaning, etc… will appear as far less feminine than a woman who is striving for a balanced life, who knows that she will be much happier if she becomes a mother and wife, and who naturally enjoys pleasing her lover. A woman who is less argumentative and competitive and more accommodating will come across as more feminine. Some readers might assume that I encourage woman to be some kind of subservient slaves, but nothing is further from truth. I merely want to point out that certain qualities make women come across as more feminine.
4. Feminism and Femininity
It would appear that at least an extreme feminism and its goals and values are incompatible with femininity. In fact, if you were to ask some of the more feminine women you know what they think of feminism, chances are that they will smirk and say that they are not the biggest feminists out there and they do not really support or care for the movement.
5. What Femininity Isn’t
Sometimes, when I use the term “femininity” I get this defensive reaction from women, accusing me of being a chauvinist, of wanting women to be subservient housewives, who stay at home cooking and cleaning all day. I never said that and I never meant that. Being feminine doesn’t mean being subservient and staying at home all day cooking and cleaning. It also doesn’t mean not having a job/education or your own goals or opinions. Feminine energy is perfectly compatible with pursuing your own personal, academic and professional goals. Femininity is about the energy you radiate with your behavior and demeanor; it’s not about being a pushover all the time and letting others take advantage of you.
6. Can You Become More Feminine?
I doubt that a fundamentally masculine woman with “butch” like appearance and demeanor can turn into some kind of gentle flower of a woman full of feminine energy. However, many women who are not extremely masculine could take simple but very effective steps toward becoming more feminine. And it’s surely worth the effort to try to become or at least behave in a more feminine way, if meeting and dating more and better men is what you want. One good example of becoming more feminine is Jennifer Lopez. Growing up in the rougher parts of New York naturally gave her a certain edge of roughness, and it was obvious based on the way she spoke. However, she worked hard to increase her feminine energy, as part of her pr campaign in the entertainment world. Her body language and accent didn’t exactly make her sound like the Duchess of York before, but she took steps to act and talk more like a lady. And Lopez she is just one example that can serve as an inspiration to any other women who feels like she could use a boost in the femininity department.
7. Your First Step Toward Becoming More Feminine
The first to becoming more feminine is as simple and obvious as it is absolutely essential. You must truly believe that being more feminine is a good thing and that it makes you attractive. As long as you think, like so many other women out there, that being and acting like one of the girls in “Jersey Shore” makes you cool, you are not going to have the belief and the motivation necessary to become more feminine.
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It’s always hilarious to have a man mansplaining femininity to women. Thanks dude. Goes over just as well as a woman telling a man how to be a man.
It comes across as ridiculous to pretend that women and men can’t benefit from each other’s perspectives. Successful adults are always seeking constructive input from various types of people.
More than slightly I think, but thank you for saying so. In fact, it is sad, even tragic. It’s like everybody just want to be right. Well, you can maybe be 100% intellectually correct, but also 100% emotionally wrong at the same time. I have been fighting this tendency in my own life almost forever. I’d rather be wrong and connected than right and living alone on a rock.
I think you are confusing gender (female) with certain qualities. And it is men who decide what is feminine and attractive to them, not women.
Sure, go ahead and decide what is attractive to you as a man. Of course, do that. I decide what is attractive to me in a man. But it is tricky territory when men believe they can define femininity. You do that anyway in proxy, as men write the movie scripts, own most companies, hire ad agencies, own magazines, and of course run the 100 billion dollar porn industry. All these things are men trying to define to women what it is to be a woman. This, you cannot do by nature of not ever having the lived experience of being a woman in this world. That is why I say that I would not even attempt to tell a man how to be a man; what it is to live this life as a man; what is in the heart of a man. It’s disrespectful. And ludicrous. Women are accustomed, all over the world and all throughout history, to being objects for the male gaze. This is actually quite harmful when internalized. The spirit of womankind is profound and deep. In us is the wellspring of life, and it is sacred. Some men cannot tolerate this. They seek to own our wombs, define our sexuality, hide us behind walls and veils. This is where my comment comes from. Thanks.
I think you are making this too mystical and political; both signs of our times. Men know what they like in women and women know what they like in men, period. Much of this has been worked out through evolutionary biology and that simply is not subject to trends and whims. I think regarding the “gazing” that this is basically good. It empowers women being attractive to men. The more feminine a woman is the more prized and protected she is from dangers in the world and predations by other men. It’s just part of surviving. Feminine (femme fatale) women have so much more over men; it’s like and endless mine filled with gold, silver and jewels. But so many today simply don’t see it. Even fashion models who should be the sexiest women alive look like skinny boys and march about without and grace or style with cold, empty eyes; moving mannequins. Any man would die to protect a woman he cherished but when femininity is sacrificed on some strange new alter there is no longer a fair maiden to rescue and protect. There is no romance anymore, just cold, hard, negotiations between the sexes. It breaks my heart.
Very compelling words. I think we have some good news as more and more people in the fashion / beauty industry recognize that bone skinny is not attractive and having a an actual female body shape is what’s beautiful and sexually appealing to the majority of guys. Not sure who thought that having sunken cheeks and sticks for arms and legs was attractive in the first place.
Thank you. I am really trying hard to connect, not win a debate. I must say that men could help women out more by growing up and acting like real men, princes, I mean.
Thanks, Richard. I am with you. I have actually been fascinated with why women get sooo defensive and get ignited so easily at a first hint of disagreement. I know it’s a regional issue, especially where I live (SF). It’s almost as bad as youtube where people just insult each other right away instead of having a constructive dialogue / debate. I know women have been mistreated in this society for many generations before and maybe now we are paying for it, but – like you said – it doesn’t help anyone.
Mmm no. Women haven’t been mistreated. That shit is a myth. All through human history, aside from times of war, women have had everything handed to them and lived very safe and secure lives, compared to men. Things are how they are now because of crazy man-hating lesbians somehow getting the seal of approval of the state. “Rape culture”! Please!
Ok. What about the “Mad Men” times? It seems like women have been really put down up until just over 50 years ago at least in the US. You can’t deny history memorialized even in the known commercials of those times.
Thank you for your respectful reply. I’m accustomed, sadly, to MGTOW trolls spewing bile instead of decent men making thoughtful replies. Another sign of our times, especially as a woman. I will say evobio is a trendy way to excuse certain behaviors. It is not a discipline that has a great deal of respect in the scientific community, though. The role of women in primitive societies is particularly ignored in favor of the hunter-as-provider myth [85% of the food came from the extraordinary skills of the women, for example, but all one reads about is what men did, and that “man must spread his seed” nonsense]. As far as femininity, what breaks MY heart is that if a man would dig deeper than the sight of a woman’s boobs and hip to waist ratio and submissive traits, he would find the True Feminine, which is richer by far than the girlishness of what many men think as ideal. In fact, I believe men search all their lives for this. Yeah, it’s mystical. Men hunt the Goddess. How ya like that one? And yes he would die for her, and yes it’s beautiful, and no it doesn’t mean she’s better than he. It just means the destiny of man is to worship women. Sadly, modern life has hidden the Goddess within. Hook up culture, porn that demeans women, all of this has left women feeling cheap and interchangeable. Sad for both sexes. And before I am accused of being sexist, I will readily and happily admit that it is the destiny of woman to seek men, to need men for happiness, security, family. You are the center of our lives. We need the love of a good man. Lest you think I do not value the Sacred Male, I will say loud and clear that I am a big, big fan. Thanks.
Gee, are we allowed to come closer in this current age? Feels nice moving closer together instead of lobbing bombs in each other’s directions. And I agree on modern life. I think it’s main purpose is to enrich and empower certain groups of elite people. A new royalty if you will.
Yes, a man must possess and treasure his woman. And she must orbit him.
You are correct about feminine energy. The True Feminine always wins the masculine heart in the real world, away from screens and pornography. Feminine energy is a cheat code; so many of our sisters are lost in the dark, not realizing just how powerfully attractive their inner feminine energy can become.
But regarding another of your posts about women as objects, to be controlled– men are set up to protect and be responsible for women, and so this naturally comes with a measure of control. Each man to his particular woman. Women NEED to be possessed.
But… the West has done remarkably well at removing the legal and cultural impediments to female autonomy as soon as it was possible to do so. You see… before the advent of modern medicine in about 1900, death rates were so high that if women hadn’t spent basically all of their time bearing and raising children, none of us would be here right now. Shortly after death rates fell, women got the franchise in the US. But the nature of life – women as child bearers, hidden ovulation, and so on – meant that women still HAD to be protected within the home caring for children.
It is only the invention of the birth control pill ~60 years ago that enables any of the rest of women’s lib. All the feminist philosophizing and protesting is so much noise — the ongoing cultural earthquake is purely the product of technology. If not for that advance, virtually all women would still be mothers and wives.
Would that be a better world? I’m not sure, but very possibly so.
Great read!
Except that all men cheat so it does not matter if you try to please them, they will still cheat. So be who you are.
Sorry you feel this way, and it’s simply not true. You haven’t met all men, so how do you know they all cheat?
Could it be that you have no idea how to date a person of character? My grandmother always shared with me that how a man treats his mother and sisters is how he’ll treat you.
@ student and teacher
Indeed, ideally, one would want a woman who is feminine without being afraid to sit on the ground or get dirty otherwise when it would be appropriate an fun.
Most women do generally support a moderate amount of feminism, but aren’t extreme hardcore feminists. This is why they like men who are most masculine (but it’s good for a guy to have SOME feminine qualities like a little sensitivity to be well-rounded).
Same with women. Women should be mostly feminine, but still should have SOME masculine qualities (as long as she’s overall feminine).
We are all different, but if we act traditional to our gender in an overall sense (and we are careful not to overdo it), the healthy majority will like it.
I do want a woman to look feminine, behave in a feminine way, but I want to see a few masculine qualities as well. I like if a girl is an assertive go-getter, who likes sports, doesn’t mind getting bruised bikeriding/treeclimbing. I want a woman who is moving up in her career.
I do want a woman who is a lady, but not prissy or self-righteous. I do see it as kind of a turn on, when a girl can be really assertive and do masculine things. And it’s a total turn on if a girl can be a leatherjacket tough-as-nails gasoline kind of person, a total fighter.
But it’s all about balance. These masculine qualities a woman should be an exception – not a rule.
I think we as people need to think in terms of NEEDS rather than WANTS. If you are a woman, don’t worry about if your hobbies aren’t traditionally feminine.
Deep down, what matters is emotionally, you are able to provide a man with the feelings he desires, which are often the feminine qualities that are mentioned in the article.