Yopes is a Farsi word for “vanilla”, “bland” and “boring.” Although literally it means something entirely different, its common slang meaning refers to people who are boring and whose personality does not make them sexually attractive to the opposite sex. Yopes is an extremely important term when it comes to dating because it points out one of the bigger issues that single women have with men (and men have with women, although to a lesser degree). Most women, even the ones that aren’t all that perceptive, will realize in about ten-fifteen minutes that the guy they are talking to is yopes, and that will be a total and immediate turn off to them. These girls might not even realize right away why they don’t really want to be around that seemingly nice guy, but they will feel it, or rather – they won’t be “feeling it.” At that point, there is nothing else about that guy that will matter. If she is bored with him and by him, there is no hope for any kind of romance or sexual tension between them, unless, of course, she has some kind of ulterior motive to be with that guy and act like she is interested and attracted to him (i.e. money, citizenship, etc…).
The question is why so many guys are yopes. Besides these reasons, there are several more factors that come into play specifically in our society today:
1. Guys are Yopes Because Their Education is Lopsided
Going to Harvard, Stanford, or MIT doesn’t guarantee that you will be an interesting person who is exciting to be around. In fact, the opposite is quite likely to happened. A guy who dedicates his college and graduate studies to a particular trade or science on the highest level, might turn out to be an expert in his field, but he is also likely to become a total nerd – someone who is lacking in sense of humor, sarcasm and other essential communication qualities that would make him attractive and “cool” to the opposite sex.
2. Guys are Yopes Because They Lack Education about Dating
Isn’t it ironic that we study so many things for so many years in school that we end up never using? Yet one area of life, never gets any attention at all in a classroom, even though it’s more important to every single person among us with no exceptions than everything else combined – dating and relationships. No one ever talks to us in school about anything related to dating and love beyond the importance of using protection and having safe sex, and even that is done in the most sterile, scientific fashion.
I can only imagine the huge benefits that men would enjoy if they learned early on about manners, first date behavior, confidence, not being overly nice and accommodating and not being beta, jealousy and control issues, etc… And how greatly girls would benefit, if they learned in their younger years in school about male sexuality, flirting, eye-contact, how their appearance affect their sex appeal, handling conflicts, break-ups, etc. How many hours of therapy and years of feeling lost and confused would that kind of academic guidance save all of us?
Many guys would not have been yopes if they were simply made aware of it early on and learned in so many ways how to become more interesting to girls.
3. Guys are Yopes Because They Think That’s The Right Way to Be
Logic and simple reason would suggest to a guy that pleasing a woman in every way possible and being as accommodating and as agreeable as possible is what women want and that’s what they are attracted to. However, nothing is further from truth. Many guys don’t realize that there is a huge, fundamental difference between being nice and being attractive, and between being sweet and being sexy/desirable to women. These men don’t understand that what makes a woman attracted to a guy is not the fact that he gives her everything she wants; what makes her want him first and foremost is who he is as a person.
4. Guys Are Yopes Because They Are Never Called On It
How many guys do you think get to hear from a girl that they are boring or they have no personality? Who would dare to be that honest and blunt? This is unlikely to happen anywhere, let alone in our society, notorious of it’s excessive political correctness. If the guy doesn’t even realize that he is boring, how and why would he even try to fix it? If he is one of the few lucky ones, he might discover that when a girls he goes out with tell him one after the other “You are sweet but I just don’t see us as more than friends” or “We don’t have that much in common” or “I don’t think we have chemistry”, it actually means that they find him boring. Otherwise, he will go through life having mediocre dating experiences, unless and until he meets a woman who can compliment his yopes personality in some way, and where they can make each other happy. Ironically, the more interesting a woman is, the less tolerant she would be of a boring guy. Interesting women are the one who have a lot of opinions and observation about the world around them. They crave being stimulated. They are turned on by tasteful humor and sharp wit. They want a guy who can dish it out and take it at the same time. That would be an antithesis of yopes.
Like in any other aspect of life, recognizing that you have a problem is the first essential step to solving it. Thus, until a guy somehow realizes that he is lacking in the personality department, he is not even going to try to change. He is not going to do what he should – take the time to learn how to become less yopsi and more interesting.
5. Guys Remain Yopes Because They Are Constantly Told to Be Themselves
I get really annoyed when I hear the “Just be yourself” advice. Besides being a total cliche, it doesn’t really say or mean anything. What am I supposed to do with it if being myself hasn’t worked for me all that well so far. This is an advice of a lazy person who doesn’t really want to look underneath the surface and give real, practical and specific advice. A yopsi guy who is being told to just be himself is not going to change simply because he is not going to know that there is something wrong with him.
If you are a female reading this who has been having the “fortune” of running into and going out on dates with yopsi guys, all you can do is become aware of this trait in men and how it makes you feel, so that you don’t waste too much time with guys who will never be able to turn you on mentally or sexually.
If you are a guy reading this, and reading this made you realize that you find yourself at a loss of words way too often, date after date, it’s time for some serious self reflection, and it’s time you asked yourself whether you are yopes, and whether it’s time to do something about it.
They say everyone loves vanilla. This may be true with regard to ice-cream, but it certainly isn’t when it comes to your personality and character.
Good point. This reminds me of one mistake I think we make way too often. We trust our first impression way too much. We are being constantly told that first impressions are everything. While someone can turn you off or ignite interest in you in an instant, it's a good idea not to trust your initial impression too much and give yourself and the other person a chance to show to you who they really are before you form an opinion of them. Many of us can relate to the experience of meeting someone who looked extremely quite to only later turn anything but.
I am dating a non yopes guy and here are some of the traits that make him non yopsi:
-he doesn't talk always talk about himself.
-he doesn't talk about the weather or pop culture which is boring to interesting people but talks about books he's read or observations.
-he's not rigid. he loves to laugh and make jokes.
-he doesn't complain about his life. most women find this trait to be unmasculine. he knows how to handle his shit without whining
-he is always willing try new things. for example, this week we played raquetball for the first time and he fulfilled one of my sexual fantasies.
-he's spontaneous. instead of our normal sunday routine, he took us for a ride to a quaint cute town nearby.
-he has hobbies outside of work and me.
-he is not boring in bed
I would be curious to know from men on this site what makes a woman more interesting to them!
… and so, she ends up going with the big, "confident", "alpha" guy, not giving the one who ironically has much more value a chance.
Most people are yopes when you first meet them and it's completely unrealistic to expect a guy to sweep you off your feet on the first date.
Hi, Oleg. I very much appreciate your kind perspective and sharing your experience.
I think most of us guys have experienced what you are talking about it, and for many of us these obstacles are part of life for many years.
However, it's important to distinguish a few terms. Not being yopes doesn't mean you have to be super loud or super outgoing or otherwise be the life of the party. In other words being interesting is not the same as being over-the-top extrovert.
I am convinced that dealing with your challenge is a matter of conscious practice and training. It will take time, effort, learning and patience, but that's what it takes to develop the skill of being more interesting and more relaxed in your interactions with women.
Everyone freezes at times, and the most interesting, non-yopsi people every now and then find themsleves at a loss of words. I don't think it's realistic to expect to be "on" all the time. And I absolutely agree with you – being boring or not boring is also a matter of chemistry and compatibility. You might appear boring to one girl and very interesting to another.
It's critical that you put aside the "I have to attract her" mindset. This kind of pressure is counterproductive. As trivial as it may sound, the moment you have a normal conversation (80% interesting and 20% funny/teasing) and treat a woman as a human being first, without worrying about attracting her, at least at first, and the results might just surprise you.
they* see right past you
On a related note of "speaking the same language". Many people in the acads are there because they like to think about stuff deeply. That in and of itself does not make them Yopes, but quite the opposite. There's nothing wrong with having interests in philosophy, poetry and physics at the same time. But somehow this often seems to be correlated with introversion and shyness. Perhaps the ones who were socially comfortable in younger years were too distracted to pursue this path. This paradox has been another constant source of frustration. So when it comes to meeting "regular" women, it feels like you are talking to people who speak different language. They don't get you. You see right past you. How does one make it clear that you actually have an inner world far richer and more interesting then your "cool" non-Yopes guys she will meet? Most of these "regular" but attractive women are just not attuned to be able to see this. Frustration results. In other words, its hard to connect with MOST people. Only rarely does a person like that come upon a gem who is able to appreciate them. Rest assure that they do not see such a person as Yopes … but unfortunately, most people do.
Sorry for going on a tangent – this topic of "not being recognized" is a very tender topic and a source of a lot of pain.
Hi, Oleg. You bring up very important points. Being introverted is definitely not the same as being boring. I can also see how the most interesting, deep thinker would come across as boring to a girl who can't or who doesn't have the capacity to appreciate it. After all, as "The Matrix" suggests, we can only appreciate, grasp and like what are mental faculties allow us to. I probably should update the article above and explain what "yopes" isn't.
There are many, many more reasons for being "Yopes", in particular for being an "apparent Yopes".
I happen to be one of those people who have been in the academia all my life, but doubt that those people who know me well would think I'm vanilla. The problem is selling it in tough situations – getting it across to people who don't really "speak your language" or aren't prepared to see your fine points. Being an introvert AND a person who has had to deal with anxiety (medically-speaking) for a long time, it is naturally very difficult for me to attend loud and crowded events with the mentality of "I have to meet some girls". On the other hand, when I am relaxed, and don't set a goal of "having to meet women", I can be pretty smooth with witty comments and all that. This "instant freeze", where in loud an/or crowded envionments, or in general under the pressure of "I have to attract her" I become a seeming Yopes – this has been a bewildering source of frustration. I resent having to fall back on "so what do you do" or "what do you study" – really resent it, but somehow in those high-pressure situations this is the only vanilla material that comes to mind.