To Settle Down or Not – Are You In Denial About What You Really Want?

sex and the city syndrome settle down After years of complaining about not being able to meet the right guy despite going out on dates and dating dozens of guys of all backgrounds and professions, a female friend finally came clean by one text about what she really wants, after she was caught up in a situation that she hasn’t experienced in a while – where a guy she was dating was staying at her place for a few days:

… I need a guy to seriously bring up my status in life if I am going to give up my independence and let someone else in my space.”

No, the reason I am quoting her is not because I condemn her materialistic status. I actually don’t. The reason I quote her is because this text messages is an admission on her part of how much she values her independence and how difficult it is for her to give it up. Perhaps this is the first step toward her admitting to herself that what she really wants, at least at this point in her life, is the single life where she can enjoy meeting different guys and dating around, while being able to go back to her little nest and not be bothered by anyone.

The reason she has been somewhat unhappy about her dating life is not because there is something wrong with how she goes about dating; there isn’t. The problem is her outlook and not her lifestyle. She has been told that she should be working toward something that she doesn’t really want right now, and she has been applying pressure on herself to find. She has been pressured by her parents and by the public opinion that at her age – at 30 – she should be settling down, having a husband, children, and that by this time she is supposed to find the “one” and put an end to dating around.

But that’s not what she wants right now. That’s why it should not be a surprise to her or any of her friends that despite dating all kinds of very eligible guys, she can’t commit to any of them. It’s not because she doesn’t want these guys; it’s because she doesn’t want a relationship right now. I call it the Sex and the City Syndrome. Remember how the girls in that show were complaining about men day in and day out, while dismissing one guy after another for the pettiest, silliest reasons? Did they really want to settle down as soon as possible or were they enjoying the journey of meeting different guys, going out on dates, and taking their time to figure out what they really want. Samantha’s character might have been the funniest and the most promiscuous. However, to her credit, she was the most honest among the four – both with herself and with others. She knew she really enjoyed sex with attractive men and she was not looking for any kind of commitment, until that commitment found her, and she was not ashamed of it.  Like Samantha, my friend needs to accept what she wants without shame and without feeling like she wants or she is doing anything wrong by going out on dates with many different guys.

If you are pushing yourself too hard to find that special guy because of all the outside pressures you experience, I encourage you to stop and ask yourself: What is it that you want? And will you want to hold whatever it is you are looking for, once you find it?  After all, Mr. Right will do little good to you if you are not ready to accept him into your life. Only you can answer these questions. Your mother, father, sister, the closest friends and the best therapists in the world will not be able to help because they don’t know how you feel and they can’t possible know what you want as much as you do.

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Practical, effective dating tips and relationship advice.
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8 years ago

Good advice. I have been guilty for #3 – talking for way too long and not coming up with the balls to ask for a girls' phone number. I guess if you can't do it online, how can you expect to have the confidence to do it in person. Shame on me, but I think I am getting better with practice.

8 years ago

Brilliant. This probably applies to big cities like New York more than others, but the observation is very well presented. More women should read this in order to be reminded that they shouldn't fight what they want instead – go after it, while enjoying doing it.