Being needy is rather a common epidemic. One of my in tears called me in tears some time ago. Yet another guy she recently met, started going out with and liked stopped talking to her, and she had no idea why. “He just stopped returning my calls” she said. “How many times did you call him?” I asked. “About four or five times, I think. And he didn’t bother calling me back once!” …and she was still wondering why he hasn’t called he back.
Many of us know someone like my friend. The sad problem is she doesn’t even know that she is showing extreme neediness, which is a sure way to turn off men. Just like women who go “eww” when a guy keeps calling them over and over, men have a series of per-conceived notions about a woman who calls them too often, especially if they are not that interested in her (yet). They start thinking that she is needy, desperate or might even be a psycho. She is likely to push for commitment way too soon and she might expect him to propose to her a month after they meet. Of course guys want to avoid any such trouble.
My friend (and many other women like her) has a big fear of being dumped by a guy, because it has happened to her time and time again. And each time another guy stopped calling, she only became needier and more fearful of never meeting a guy who will want to be with her. She is trapped in a vicious cycle, and she doesn’t know how to get out of it.
Being needy isn’t about wanting to talk to someone numerous times a day. There is nothing wrong with that. The unattractive part of being needy is about having to have constant reassurance that your partner loves you or that you are attractive to him. Many people are actually conscious of their being needy, but they don’t know how to handle it and how to not be needy or at least how to be less needy.
Being Too Much of a Challenge is Not a Solution for the Needy
You could try and take things to the other extreme. You can start playing hard to get, not returning phone calls and acting otherwise more unavailable than you really are, just like infamous “The Rules” prescribes. This will hardly lead to any positive results. Making yourself deliberately more unavailable than you really are, being too much of a challenge and playing hard to get is a turn-off to most guys with a healthy self-esteem and self respect. These kinds of men are not interested in spending too much time or energy on chasing a woman who keeps playing games, especially if they barely know her.
To Come Across as Less Needy Give the Guy You Started Seeing Time and Space to Figure Out What He Wants
If you have just met a guy, give him some space. Otherwise, you will see the first signs of wanting out very soon. You don’t need to call one another every day until and unless you develop a meaningful connection. Don’t rush with commitment talk. Instead , observe his actions and decide whether or not his behavior towards you suggest that having a meaningful relationship between the two of you is feasible and desirable down the road.
As you keeping seeing a guy and develop a relationship with him, you should start getting the idea of how he feels about you. At the same time, you need to respect his time and life outside of being with you. Don’t ask for reassurance all the time. Such questions as, “Do you love me?” and “Do you find me attractive?” or “How do I know that you want to be with me long-term” are not necessary and they actually make you come across as very needy and much less attractive than you might really be. If the guy didn’t like you or didn’t want to continue seeing you, why would he keep coming back to yo? After all, the only thing that must keep him around you is his desire to be with you.
Look Back At Your Prior Relationships to Make Sure You Are Not Acting As Needy In Your Current One
A good way to stop being needy in a relationship is to constantly look back at your prior relationships and remind yourself of the mistakes you have done in the past, their consequences and of the importance of avoiding the same mistake in your current relationship. Don’t forget how your being needy scared your previous partner away. Do you want that to occur again? Of course not!
Do Not Neglect Your Own Hobbies and Interests Just Because You Are In Love
Betraying your interests and all the things you are passionate about in life is a bad idea and a sure road to being and acting needy. So, if you studied dancing, or have playing a piano, or playing tennis, or if you used to do anything else regularly and it has been part of your life making your happy for many years, there is no reason for you to give up on those activities just because you started seeing someone or because you are now in a relationship. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be making compromises. Of course, being in a relationship is in many ways about giving time and attention to the other person, so of course your schedule will have to adjust as you get to know each other better and spend more time together. However, neither of you should ever expect to completely give up on something which is important to you and which has been making you happy prior to meeting each other.
Encourage the Guy Not to Neglect His Interests and You Will Appear as the Most Non-Needy Girl He Has Ever Met
In fact, if the guy you are with completely stopped doing something he likes in order to spend more time with you, you should encourage him not to, and you should make sure that he finds time for both – you and his hobbies and interests. In the end, he will be thankful to you for pointing him in the right direction and for caring about him not neglecting the things he likes to do. And if you ask him to spend a little less time with you, he will think of you as extremely non-needy.