Question: I am 31 years old, and I have been dating this girl for about a month now. We met online and hit it off right away. Things are going between us, I think, but I have one concern. She acts very differently from the girls I met so far. On one hand, she treats me well when we are together. She makes herself available to go out, hasn’t canceled or been late even once. (We haven’t had sex yet. We are taking it slow, since she recently broke up with a guy who really hurt her). On the other hand, she doesn’t do any of the things that other girls do who have been interested in me. She never initiates contact. She never sends a “thank you” text after our date, and she never texts me first at all, but she is good at getting back to me if I am the one to contact her. She never calls first but always returns my calls. Recently, I was on the phone with her as I was driving and my phone died. When I recharged it, and turned in on there is no indication that she even tried to get a hold of me or was worried. Last week, I did a little experiment. I didn’t call or text her for 3 days, and she never bothered to get in touch with me, until I finally texted her. This behavior is puzzling to me. What do you think it is? And how should I handle this? – Alex, Florida.
PH Answers: There could be a number of reasons for this seemingly ambivalent behavior:
(1) She is extremely, extremely traditional. She believes that it’s a man’s job to initiate contact not only in the beginning but throughout the relationship or at least until a committed relationship is established. This could be coming from her family values, or religion or both. Some guys like this kind of extreme expression of femininity and submissiveness, while others (including myself) would be put off by it.
(2) She has been brainwashed by such dating advice as “The rules” that instructed her to be a challenge, to play hard to get and to make men prove themselves thoroughly before she finally submits to them physically and emotionally. She would especially want you to prove yourself to her if she has recently been hurt by a guy, like you mentioned. In an attempt to never come across as needy and desperate she went to the other extreme.
(3) She likes you enough to go out with you, but she doesn’t like you enough to bother to contact you first and put her ego on the line.
I could see how this behavior would bother you. Even the most confident, dominant man wants to know that he is being wanted, and I hope that as many women as possible get to read this.
I think the best way to handle this issue is similar to handling many other touchy issues with someone you started dated. Bring it up and talk about it. You don’t have to accuse her of anything or make a fight out of it. Just ask her why she never contacts you first and encourage her to be honest with you. This is much better than trying to read her mind.
You might think that bringing this up will make you come across as needy, but it won’t, if you do it the right way. You are not begging her to call or text you first. You are just being curious about the reasons for her behavior.
Agreeing to go out with you everytime shouldn’t be the sole indicator that she’s interested. Reciprocating interests regardless if she’s always busy would be nice. I have a life outside of her, but I make a little time to always initiate contact.
Why can’t she just be busy? Have other priorities other then chasing a guy, like school, work, family? Just because a girl doesn’t initiate something doesn’t mean that there is some deep rooted reason.
Being busy is one thing. That might manifest itself into initiating contact much less than the other person. However, NEVER initiating contact is simply abnormal. It is a sign of narcissism.
I am a feminine and submissive woman. I smiled when i read this post.
Much appreciate your endorsement.
How about, “She’s tired because she’s been busy, working, going to school and/or raising her family?”
That’s a pervasive issue. A fair reason to not initiate contact and a major downside of modern life “especially in big cities” where love, passion, and romance are sacrificed for questionable career goals, etc.
yes, but that only accounts for some of the time. If it is EVERY time, you need to talk to the person like you suggested. However, I would suggest that regardless of their answer, a person who dates someone for more than a few dates, and never initiates contact in any way, more than likely has an issue that makes them less desirable. I would move on. It is a sign of things to come.
Well, when the only vibes most women shoot off are “unapproachable” and “unfriendly”…why would they initiate contact otherwise???
I read the article and couldn’t resist posting, this is exactly my ex. This used to drive me mad. I suggest find another girl
I personally hate that type of behavior. As a man, I also like to feel as though I am wanted, but it the woman seemingly never initiates contact, it makes her seem as though she isn’t that into me
Agreed. For many of us, those who are interested in us become more interesting to us. Male desire to be wanted is not to be underestimated.
Honestly, most women are going to sit here and say “well she’s probably busy” or “she probably has other priorities than you to focus on”… Sure, that’s all well and good, and so do I, but I still think about her in the little moments I might have, and want to talk or communicate with her. It’s not being needy, it’s being responsible in a relationship. If I don’t text her for weeks, she’s going to assume I’ve moved on or am cheating/not interested/distracted by someone else. So why can’t we feel and think the same way? In most cases, our gut feelings are right. If she’s busy, fine, so be it, but she can at least say “Hey, I’m busy, but I miss you”… or “Hey, I might be missing in action for a bit because of how crazy my week is, sorry”. If you communicate that you’re at least busy, then we won’t have to let our minds wonder.
As far as I’m concerned, if she’s suddenly shocked that you’re seeing someone else and wants to know why, she has no one to blame but herself. Everything is a two-way street in a relationship, and I’m sick of this garbage that men should be the first to open communication. No, if you’re interested as a woman, you should feel comfortable doing so, unless you’re a child with zero experience, or have a child-like mind.