Texting v Calling – Will The Spark Turn Into a Fire or Will It Perish

Daniel met Jenny on Match.com. They exchanged a few witty messages and really hit it off. They set up a coffee date by text for Sunday evening. They met at a local, family owned coffee house, had a great conversation over cappuccino and a few laughs and went on a walk on a residential street. The walk was interrupted by a fairly heavy make-out session. Jenny was very attracted to Daniel from the get-go, but didn’t want things to happen too quickly, so after a few passionate moments on the street, she lightly pushed him away, hinting that some things need to be saved for later. Daniel totally understood and didn’t push it. They ended a date on a very good note. Jenny texted him about an hour later, thanking him for the date and telling him that she had a great time.

The following day – Monday – Daniel texted Jenny in the afternoon “I hope you are having a great day and are not too tired.” Jenny was at work and didn’t check her phone until later that day. They exchanged a few messages trying to set up the time to meet again. The only day Daniel was available that week was Thursday, but Jenny was leaving to visit her parents out of town on Thursday until the following Monday. So, they agreed to meet the following Tuesday, in a week time, at a restaurant that they both liked and haven’t been in a while. Daniel also told her that he would confirm with her a day or two earlier that they were still on. No other communication took place between that Monday and the following Tuesday when they met again.

Their second date went great, but it also felt a little weird to Jenny. She couldn’t quite tell what it was, but it was almost like she felt that she didn’t exist in Daniel’s world this whole week, until they saw each other again. She didn’t think she had the right to feel that way. After all – they only met once, so what could she possibly expect? Yet because Jenny liked him so much, she couldn’t help but wonder why Daniel didn’t reach out to her this whole time between the dates. Even though she was a bit disappointed, she decided to swallow it and not bring it up at all, as she thought it would appear way too needy.

Their dinner date was actually shorter that the first date, because Daniel was leaving on a business trip the following day and he had to finish a few things in the office before flying out. They only spent about two hours together, and talked about meeting up when he was going to be back the following week.

A week goes by and no word from Daniel again, except one “how is your day?” text. As he returns, he texts Jenny “what are you doing this Wed?” In the meantime, half a dozen of other guys reached out to Jenny on Match and she actually went out on two dates, one of which went really well. Brian took Jenny out to ice-cream, and she found him to be both as interesting and as entertaining as Daniel. Even though Brian wasn’t as attractive physically, he was a great kisser. Because Jenny was unsure of Daniel’s intentions because of his sporadic communication while they are not seeing each other, she decided to give it a shot with Brian and go out with him again. The initial excitement that Jenny had about Daniel subsided, and although she still liked him, she wasn’t as eager to see him as she was right after their first date.

There is one thing that Jenny doesn’t know about Daniel. He is actually very interested in her, but he is also really afraid to turn her off by being too available or too aggressive. He has been burned before by scaring a few women off with calling them every day and sending flowers to their office as a surprise, so now he leans toward the other extreme. He has read quite a few articles recently about the importance of playing it cool and acting borderline aloof with women, because that’s what women supposedly like – a guy who is a challenge and who doesn’t act all that interested. What Daniel doesn’t know, however, is that Jenny is not that type of a woman. She is far more traditional and feminine when it comes to the dating dynamics. She wants to be pursued, and she wants the guy to make it clear to her that he likes her, he wants her, and he is not afraid to show it. She is tired of going out with guys who are passive and who are unable or unwilling to take charge.

Brian is really interested in Jenny as well. He also knows that a woman like her would love to know that she is wanted. Brian is also well aware of the fact that you can’t sustain any kind of romantic spark by small talk over text or protracted silences between dates, and he actually genuinely enjoys talking to Jenny. He calls her the day after they go out on their first date. They have a short but very nice conversation with some subtle but clear sexual innuendos. Brian is happy to discovery that Jenny is not easily offended and she plays along with his over flirting. They decide to meet again in three days. He calls the day before while driving back from work and they have another highly entertaining, sarcastic conversation where Brian makes Jenny laugh harder than she had in a while. Now, she is really looking forward to seeing him again, and having sex with him on that second date or going “almost all the way” is not out of the question, even though Jenny is too embarrassed by having those thoughts already.  They go to a movie where Brian’s hands wonder in all kinds of places around Jenny’s body. By the time the movie is over, Jenny is ready for anything. Actually, I believe the movie sucked and they left the theater to go to his place half way through.

Jenny didn’t check her phone until the morning. When she woke up, she saw a “how was your weekend?” message from Daniel. She didn’t bother to reply…

Daniel should learn two important lesson from letting Jenny get away about texting v calling when it comes to meeting women:

1. Acting indifferent doesn’t work with every woman, and the more feminine and less “independent” a woman is, the more she wants to know that she is wanted. She wants the right guy to grab her and take her without hesitating or acting like he is not interested.

2. Not hearing each other’s voice for weeks and limiting communicating to a few meaningless text messages between dates after you just met is a sure way to kill any spark that was initially created. If Daniel is interested in turning a spark into a fire in the future, he will have to keep this in mind and actually pick up the phone and talk to the girl.